Preaching in buses

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Factors To Consider When Preaching The Gospel In Public Transport”.

I desperately need you guys to know that any grammatical errors you spot while I’m quoting the book are the fault of the author.

The book starts with this gem:

Professor X: “So what’s your mutant power?”

Bus Preacher Guy: “I can decipher the spiritual atmospheric condition in any bus.”

Professor X: “I…I don’t understand what that means or how it can help anyone in a fight.”

Bus Preacher: “If we could just find a bus to get on it, I could show…”

Professor X: “Get out of my office.”

It follows that with this:

See, this is the one rule a lot of them don’t follow because I’ve encountered many bus preachers who were super condescending and needlessly violent with their sermons. Also, the line “…your dogmas will lead to strife and may God help if you escape unhurt” reminds me of this fucking hilarious article I found:

Because people keep saying to not talk shit about “men of God”, this was me after reading this article:

I’m digressing. Let’s move on.

This is where the author really dives into the step-by-step manual on how to verbal harass commuters with your religion.

The book says for the preacher to take authority over the passengers and cast any spirit of distraction or hatred into hell. And then after, scream “PRAISE THE LORD!” to draw attention. The author is self-aware and acknowledges that only a few passengers will respond. He even says that some of the people on the bus will leave to board another bus.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why they always wait till the bus leaves the park before they start preaching. So no one can escape.

Translation: If the people on the bus give a lacklustre response, plead with them to listen.

And if pleading doesn’t work, THREATEN THEM.

The author assures the reader that after these thinly-veiled threats, the response you’ll get the next time you scream “PRAISE THE LORD” will raise the roof. As you’ve “rekindled their rotten mindset”, you can then proceed to lead them in a renowned worship song.

This girl looks like she’s completely over whatever the preacher is saying.

This chapter covers what to preach about…

…and a set of instructions on how to structure your message while preaching.

When you’ve lured them into a false sense of safety, that’s when you scream “If you fall into the following categories of sins you must repent and accept Jesus Christ!” and then proceed to list out a variety of sins. Like:

Preaching in buses

1) Women wearing trousers: “why can’t we present trouser as a gift to our grandmothers in the village. Why did our grandmothers abhor women trouser and hated young women that wore it? Where did women trouser originated? Why do men always lust after women in trousers?”

2) Make Up: “If your dark complexion daughter in nature gain admission to study in the university; after few years she returns as a white lady in light complexion. How would you feels as a mother?”

3) Drinking & Smoking: “How many Bible have you ever behold in bar or beer parlor? How many people have you behold smoking in streets with Bible on their hands? The spirit of God that dwells in us will never permit them to exhibit such ungodliness without fear of God because they knew it is sinful to miss alcohol with the Holy Bible.”

4) Polygamous Marriages: “How many people did God creates in the beginning? Perhaps God created Adam and consequently formed 4 wives from his ribs. Therefore, if not so, what are you doing with those 2-4 wives? Please marriage is between a man and a woman and in marriage there is not divorcement because marriage is honorable before God.”

5) Jewellery: “When you were born God graciously pierced two holes in your eyes for sight and nose for smell; did he pierce any hole in your ear for earrings? Don’t you know that putting on those jewelries on your body signifies idolatry because you cherished it so much as your gods? Please cast off those earrings, wedding rings and jewelries and be natural the way God has formed you.”

6) Hair Attachment: “When you were born God miraculously cover your head with natural sparkling hair but you deliberately put attachment on your head. That is reason why you always have sex in dream, ate in dream, swimming and giving birth in dream and also afflicted with moving object in your body, marital failure, stagnancy and barrenness.”

After horrifying the innocent commuters by explaining in graphic detail how hellfire is going to sear the flesh of their bones if they’re guilty of any of the sins you just listed out, gently ask them to repent and accept Jesus. Then kindly pray (as opposed to being a bitch about it) and encourage them to be prayerful.

The book ends with this:

Because encouraging them to visit any church is not enough. They absolutely have to come to yours or one of its branches.

I wish you guys could’ve seen how hard I was laughing while reading this. My entire life, I’ve thought these guys went about doing stuff at random. So to find out that they have a whole ass manual had me like:

Preaching in buses Preaching in buses

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “My Trip To Heaven And Hell” By Sister Gift Jonathan Ezeke.

If the name Jonathan Ekeze sounds familiar, it’s because he’s the author of the book I recapped last week in which he claimed he (along with his family) lived in a haunted house and fought demons with his bare hands. Gift is his daughter and she claims that she’s been to heaven…twice.

Before I start, I just have to say that Gift (the author of today’s book) was 7 YEARS OLD when the events in this books supposedly took place. I need you to remember this as you read.

CHAPTER 1: HER FIRST JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

This chapter starts with Gift introducing herself in a monologue that sounds like the opening narration of every Hollywood movie. She states her name, age, and the year she visited heaven for the first time (2012). She says that she was asleep on that fateful night at their (haunted) house in Calabar when she suddenly found herself in paradise surrounded by “our fathers of old.”

These people didn’t have name tags nor did they speak to her. How did she know who they were? Not every old guy with a beard in heaven is a prophet from the old testament. It could just be a regular old guy with a beard.

While she’s gawking at old people, an angel brings her a chair made out of gold and asks her to sit. She refuses because she thinks she’s unworthy to sit in a chair fit for Jesus but the angel tells her as calmly as he can to sit the hell down. The same thing happens when he brings her food.

In a place where beings don’t need to eat and things can materialize out of thin air, why is there is a kitchen?

“I am not going anywhere?” Look, I know that Gift was 7 years old at the time, but these angels had to have looked like adult humans and there was no way she would’ve mouthed of like this to an adult human. So, wtf, Gift?

CHAPTER 2: HER SECOND JOURNEY TO HEAVEN

At midnight on the 9th of September 2013, Gift discovers two beings in her room. The first is an angel who has the words “ANGEL GABRIEL SENT FOR GIFT” tattooed across his chest for some reason that is never revealed. Next to the angel is a beast who has the head of a lion but the…everything else of a human.

Note how different her description of heaven is from the description she gave before. Also, why does she seemed surprised by heaven’s beauty (making reference to only hearing about it in church) if she’s been here before?

Jesus welcomes Gift and immediately hands her the book of life to go through. Gift sees her mother and younger brother’s names but stops when she sees the name of the general overseer of her church. The following conversation takes place between Gift and Jesus:

Gift: “Wait please. Is this not my General Overseer’s name?”

Jesus: “Yes, this is your pastor.”

Gift: “So our pastor is also in the book of life?”

Jesus: “Yes. Your pastor, Lazarus Mouka, is the last day messenger sent by my father to warn man for the world will come to an end very soon.”

This is officially the worst product placement I’ve seen since Krispy Kreme’s in 2018’s ‘Power Rangers.’

It occurs to Gift at this point that she hasn’t seen the names of her other family members in the book of life. She asks Jesus why this is and with a shrug, he says, “Idk” and sends her to hell to check the book of death.

CHAPTER 3: HER VISIT TO HELL

Gift is shocked as hell to find her two sisters’ names in the book of death. Her sister, Grace, is in for the sin of “lying and using abusive words” while her other sister, Emanuella, is in for having a wicked heart.

Gift also gets to see the portion of hell dedicated exclusively to children.

If you think this is sick, peep what happens next.

News reaching me right now from Hollywood says that Ruggero Deodato and Eli Roth have quit making horror movies forever because they know they’ll never live up to Gift.

Gift ends the book talking about she’s dedicated her life to warning children everywhere about kiddie hell and that because of this, she’s been experiencing attacks from Satan. Here’s her account of one these attacks:

My problem with this is that this car accident supposedly happened on the 6th of September 2013, three days before her second field trip to heaven and hell (9th of September 2013) and three days before she begins her crusade to save children everywhere from ending up in kiddie hell.

So it’s like, why is the timeline of events such a mess? Why entrust such important information to a 7-year-old? Why am I paying so much attention to the details of what was obviously a little girl’s fever dream?

Bye y’all.

Click here to read my recap of the adventures of Gift’s family in a haunted house in Calabar.

Share this article if it made you laugh or let out a breathy chuckle.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “My Encounter With Demon Attacks” written by Jonathan Ezeke.

CHAPTER 1: His Encounter With The Kingdom of Darkness

This insane story starts on the 5th of March 2011. Jonathan, a minister in The Lord’s Chosen, returns home to Calabar after a business trip to Lagos. He finds out about a 20-year-old Togolese girl named Veronica who’s just moved into their compound. For some reason, Veronica tells the entire compound that she and all her people back home belong to the marine kingdom. She goes on to tell them that her mother sent her to Nigeria like an African Fresh Prince so the marine kingdom wouldn’t dig their claws deeper in her.

For plot convenience, I believe.

Strange things begin to happen in the compound after Veronica’s arrival. Jonathan believes this is because of Veronica and his suspicions are confirmed when a neighbour catches her summoning demons outside her house at 2 AM. Veronica is taken to a church for prayers by Jonathan and after an hour of flopping about on the floor like a fish and vomiting three spiritual birds, she’s delivered.

This deliverance is what starts the battle between Jonathan and the marine kingdom.

CHAPTER 2: The Plan To Kill His Wife

Jonathan and his wife pull an Angelina Jolie by adopting Veronica and brings her to love with them. Not long after, the marine kingdom fires its first shot. His wife’s business crumbles and all her savings disappear from her room. Veronica – who probably hadn’t been kicked out of the marine kingdom’s Slack channel at this point – informs Jonathan that her former bosses are responsible for the sudden fuckery and that they won’t relent until they get her back. Why? Because she was their queen.

Home girl must’ve been pissed.

Out of nowhere, Veronica gets impregnated by some guy so they send her to live with the boy’s mother for the duration of the pregnancy. By the time she returns, she’s been repossessed by the marine kingdom and is now super dedicated to the cause of fucking Jonathan’s wife up.

So, did they just let her keep living with them while all this was happening?

What in the Poltergeist (1982) is going on here??

If you think this is bad, check out what happens in the next chapter.

CHAPTER 3: Household Enemies

Jonathan stages a deliverance prayer session and in the middle of it, discovers something that leaves him asking when the hell he’s going to catch a fucking break.

According to the second daughter, the marine kingdom placed a tiny old woman in her stomach…..You know what? I don’t even know how to report this. Read it yourself.

Girl, wtf?

CHAPTER 4: The Manifestation Of Demons

Immediately after the deliverance session, Jonathan claims that the Lord opened their spiritual eyes. This led them to see hundreds of demons lounging around their house. Think Dean Koontz’ “Odd Thomas” but with demons instead of ghosts. Jonathan and his family have demons as their housemates for a month until a severe prayer session renders his (ogboni) landlord crippled one day and dead the next. The demons leave. Jonathan thinks everything is over.

CHAPTER 5: The Battle Gets Tougher

In April 2013, the demons return with a vengeance in the form of an old woman. Jonathan’s second daughter is the first to see her and freaks the fuck out. The very next day, the demons strike again in the form of an old man.

I tried to put what happened next in my own words but it’s too batshit to explain so here’s a screenshot:

These descriptions. Girl I…

Anyway, holy ghost fire comes down and kills some of the cat demons. The others who aren’t killed escape. They proceed to give praise to God for the victory when this happens:

This isn’t even the most insane part. Keep reading…

Grace is giving Heimdall (the Norse god) a run for his money because all these things she’s seeing sha. LMAO

When Jonathan’s wife returns home from her shop, he and the kids tell her about the exciting day they had wrestling with demons but she doesn’t believe them and calls Jonathan’s family to tell them that he’s lost his damn mind.

A few days later, Jonathan goes to Lagos for a conference and during this time, his wife dreams a dream about demons whining about architecture.

She replies them with a variation of this, “Piss off! We’re not leaving this house until we decide to!”. She wakes up feeling pretty confident until she looks out of her window and sees a person casting a spell in her direction.

I’m not kidding. That’s how the book ends.

This book is basically a mash-up of every horror movie featuring a family living in a haunted house, which makes it annoying that it’s so fucking bad.

Me after reading this.

Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Get That Christian Brother To Propose To You”.

If you were wondering, I designed this. This is not the book’s cover. You know damn well that the people who write books like this never put much thought into their covers.

The book’s very first paragraph threw me off by claiming that every spinster’s ultimate desire is to settle down with the right man and have a peaceful and love-filled marriage. Now, that’s not a bad thing to want – no one gets married secretly hoping to spend the rest of their lives reenacting the plot of Marriage Story. But are we sure that finding a husband is EVERY spinster’s ultimate desire?

It’s 2020. Get with the times, sis.

After this, the author gets right to business by listing the 7 qualities women need to have to attract good, eligible Christian bachelors.

1) Be Decent: If you think the author used this point to slut-shame women for dressing how they want, you’re absolutely right. “Dress the way you want to be addressed”, is how he starts. “Some ladies think it’s by dressing half-naked and seducing men by wearing tight skirt, spaghetti, bomber skirt, women trouser, exposing laps, armpit, painting and makes-up. All this will do is make men want to sleep with you.”

WHO are the people going incognito just to google pictures of armpits?? I NEED ANSWERS???

2) Be Friendly To All: The author says you have to be approachable. Like a TV game show host on crack, you have to be constantly happy and excited so everyone finds it easy to get along with you. Always wear a smile so wide, the Cheshire Cat would be creeped out if he saw you.

3) Be Hardworking: If you think this is about having a hustle or something, you’re wrong. And it’s because you’ve forgotten that this book was written to give women advice. The “be hardworking” here refers to “knowing how to put your house in order; learn how to cook, knowing how to take care of your home without instruction.“

Just hope you don’t end up like the girl in this story:

Tragiqué

4) Be Respectful: The truth is that no one wants to marry a person who’s rude so I can’t even make fun of this point. Here’s a funny GIF that’s appropriate to use here.

Spinsters: “WHY HAVE WE FOUND HUSBANDS YET?! WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?!!”

Author:

*snaps fingers*

5) Have The Fear of God:

According to the author, you have to commit your entire life to God by being spiritual and making yourself available for all weekly church services and night vigils. Why? Because you never know who is secretly observing your spiritual life.

6) Be Natural: If you think this is about being yourself in – terms of behaviour – so that your potential spouse can love you just the way you are, you’re wrong. (Because point no.2 already demands that you constantly be more excited than Jimmy Fallon on laughing gas to be desirable.) This is about steering clear of artificial beauty methods (makeup, weaves, etc) because “they’re evil and unnecessary and because men prefer natural women.”

If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves.

7) Be good at communication: You have to read this one for yourselves so here’s a screenshot:

All I got from this is that to attract good men, you quite literally have to be a clown. (Entertaining people??) Also, the rumours are true. I have been fixing the author’s grammar (COMMUNICABLE?!) this entire time so you guys don’t lose your minds the way I almost did while reading it.

I don’t know about this one, you guys. While Ursula is singing “Poor Unfortunate Souls” in The Little Mermaid, she says this:

Granted, she was trying to get Ariel to give up her voice at the time. But I would much rather take dating advice from an animated half-human, half-octopus, sea witch than from the lunatic who wrote this book.

Pssssssst! If this article made you laugh (or even let out a breathy chuckle), do the Lord’s work by sharing with your friends or whoever you think is in need of a laugh (or a breathy chuckle).

If you’re wondering what’s so evil about makeup and artificial hair, check out this recap I wrote of a book that talks about the spiritual origin of wigs & weaves. It’s one hell of a batshit story.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Contraceptive: A Sin In Family Planning And Birth Control?”.

The (nameless) author starts by talking about how many of his brethren keep asking him if popular contraceptives are sinful and if so, what other good, Christian options are available so they don’t end up having an unreasonable amount of children. He goes on to say that the answer he gives always leaves them unsatisfied. This is when I realized that the question mark at the end of this book’s title is a scam.

The author reminisces about the first time a beloved brother asked him about contraceptives and how distraught the brother was when he got an answer he didn’t expect. He talks about the question the brother fought back with, “So are you saying we should give birth to dozens of kids without any planning whatsoever??” and that the conversation followed. A conversation that I hope made the brother walk away because he finally realized that he was talking to a mad person.

Author: “Is God not worthy of closing the womb of your wife instead of using contraceptive?”

Brother: “What if God delays in such answers and my wife becomes pregnant after sexual intercourse?”

Author: “My beloved that means you are faithless because he that must come unto God must believe and have faith that God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

As proof that he’s not yarning okoto, he says that he’s going to back up his side of the argument with proof gotten from years of scriptural research but immediately starts another storytime about the time he attended some church’s youth conference program. My eyes glazed over at this point and I considered giving up on the book. I’m glad I didn’t, though, because this particular story contained something I didn’t see coming.

It contained the most ambitious crossover event since Avengers: Endgame.

As the second entry in the “So You Don’t Have To“ series, I recapped a book written by a 17-year-old boy named Chijioke Onughu. In this book, Chijioke claims to have worked in the kingdom of darkness for 150 years, which means that his servitude began 137 years before he was physically born. Chijioke’s original confession happened back in 2016 at a church’s youth conference program.

That same youth conference is where the author of today’s book got this piping hot supernatural tea.

Am I the only one that imagined a sweatshop in hell full of demon…minorities mass-producing condoms at an alarming rate?

Impotently demonize??

Satan & Co Enterprises

Before I could wrap my head around the odds of the author actually being present for Chijioke’s original confession, he came through with another crossover by quoting Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo, the woman who claims to have interned in hell for 990 years.

There’s a small bit about Onan, a minor biblical character who’s most known for being the pioneer of the pullout method. The author says his initial interpretation of Onan’s story was that God killed him for his refusing to procreate, not his use of the pullout method. However, it’s become clear to him now that God’s anger was caused by Onan’s disregard for God’s command for humans to be fruitful and multiply.

You know what? Here’s the full explanation because I don’t even understand how he arrived at his main takeaway from the story.

How did he take this to mean that God hates all forms of birth control?

He follows this up with this picture:

Like this is a thing anyone would want.

He goes on to say that because everyone who is born is part of God’s plan, intentionally stopping conception or aborting a fetus is you messing with God’s Lego city, and that is a terrible sin. Why does the author say everyone is part of God’s plan? Because of Jeremiah 1:5, where God tells Jeremiah this:

I think he was talking about Jeremiah specifically but that’s just me, I guess.

To further terrify people using the supposed spiritual dangers of birth control, here’s a story the author pulled out of his ass.

Apart from the fact that pills just don’t end up in the bloodstream whole, I know this story is a lie because I reversed image-searched the photo and it led me to a 2016 article about a Ugandan woman named Nnaalongo who died in Guangzhou, China after battling a mystery illness for 3 weeks.

If you’ve made it this far and you’re wondering if the author is implying that sex should only be had when procreation is the desired endgame by both parties involved, you’re not alone. However, he makes it clear that this is not what he’s implying by explaining Natural Family Planning, the birth control method every Christian couple must use.

I would post screenshots of his explanation but his grammar skills make the entire thing sound like gibberish. So here are screenshots of an explanation offered by the good folks at familydoctor.org.

No disrespect to the people who actually do this but this is fucking insane. Life is stressful enough. No one wants to have to study a chart and check the shape of the moon before a genital bump session. I’m just a human trying to have sex with my spouse, who is also a human. Not a werewolf.

Click here to read the recap I wrote for Chijioke Onughu’s book. It chronicles all the things he experienced serving in hell for 150 years as Satan’s right-hand man. Believe me, this is an origin story you do not want to miss.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships”.

With a cover like this, I’m no longer sure if this a book about the sinfulness of oral sex or the deliciousness of foot fetishism.

The book starts off defining oral sex as improper use of the body, which is putting it mildly but you know, whatever. It says our bodies are temples of the Lord which means that we’re not supposed to violate ours (or anyone else’s) by using body parts for what God never intended.

What follows is this list:

• Eyes for a definite purpose for sight.
• Nose for perceiving odour and breath.
• Ears for the sense of hearing.
• Hands and legs for general operations.
• Mouth specifically for eating and communication
• Tongue for the sense of taste.

At this point, I was just like:

How else would I know what my ears were for?

The book goes on to state that God carved out (ouch) the genitals for definite purposes:

• The Penis (for urination and sex)
• The Vagina (for urination, sex, and childbirth)
• The anus (for defecation)

The fact that whoever wrote this book thinks that women pee out of their vaginas is killing me. Then there’s the fact that the anus is listed as a genital.

But I don’t have all day so let’s move on.

The book uses more paragraphs than it needs to explain that God designed sex to be enjoyed the way he intended, which means that any deviation from his design falls in the realm of sexual perversion. There’s also a line about how regular penetrative sex (penis to the vagina) is sexual intercourse and literally anything else counts as a sexual act.

Then there was this:

Girl 1: “Where you going, girl?”

Girl 2; “Just over to Daquan’s house to soak some dick.”

If you’re wondering why the writer is so gung-ho about masturbation being a terrible thing, click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.

The writer goes on a long rant about how oral sex is a sin of lust, not love, and is also a gateway act to exploring other perverted forms of sexual release like (and I’m quoting the book verbatim with these examples): sex toys, vibrators, internet sex, fantasy, sex videos, masturbation, pornography etc.

You know what? Forget it.

According to this book, opening Pandora’s Box of Perverted Sexual Delights™️ in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”

I can’t be the only one that expected the backdoor to be the anus.

At this point, the writer implies that the real reason people don’t go about talking about their sex lives to everyone that’ll listen is that the devil convinced them not to. Here’s the devil’s reason for doing this:

Girl I…

Now, the writer is sure to explain that foreplay isn’t forbidden in Christian marriages. In a chapter named “The Art Of Romancing In Marriage”, it is explained how Christian foreplay works:

What I love the most about this book is how the writer comes off like some kind of Artificial Intelligence created by the same people that write the scripts for Mount Zion’s Cinematic Universe. After the explanation above, he says that during coitus, couples are allowed to get each other “activated” for sexual intercourse by kissing mouth to mouth (NOT MOUTH TO GENITALS) and rubbing of the body’s sensitive parts (neck and chest/breast).

After this, the writer proceeds to drop what I consider to be the funniest line I’ve come across since I started recapping books like this. He makes a statement about how one should be able to praise God in all situations and he is convinced that praising God is impossible during oral sex.

HOW?!

The book ends with a question I’m convinced will haunt me for the rest of my life.

WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX???!

The entire time I was reading this, I kept waiting for the writer to address the effects of oral sex in regular relationships but he never did. Then I remembered that this brand of Christianity doesn’t acknowledge dating.

Damn.

Anyway, here’s a shorter summary of the book using one meme:

Spot on.

Click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Mystery And Origin Of Artificial Hair And Women Attachment”.

I feel like using a picture like this as the cover of your Christian book about the origin of artificial hair is a little on the nose. Then again, the authors of the books in this series aren’t the best at subtlety.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This is the second time I’ve recapped a book written by Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. The first recap was of the book she wrote about how the devil created football as a way to destroy humanity because he hates us so much. That same book also contains all the underworld tea she claims to have gathered while serving the devil for 990 years.

Fun Fact: Recapping that book gave birth to the entire So You Don’t Have To series. So I guess in a way, I have her to thank for all this.

She starts the book like every Alessia Cara song, by telling the reader that no matter how much makeup they wear or the quality of weaves they sew to their heads, they will never be beautiful. She also says that any woman who abuses their natural God-given beauty with artificial add-ons should be ready to “dance to God’s unquenchable fury and anger.”

What follows is this picture:

I don’t know why.

After this, Evangelist Fumilayo gets into the meat of the matter by revealing that there are demonic covenants people unknowingly get into with Satan and the Queen of the Coast whenever they use artificial hair.

She pauses proceedings at this point to tell us a story of a church she was once invited to as a guest minister. A church that, according to her, didn’t believe in modest dressing.

I will not rest until HBO adapts this story into a period movie starring Emma Thompson as the pastor’s wife, Meryl Streep as Evangelist Fumilayo, and Dolly Parton as the fashioner designer/hairstylist.

Damn.

A few months later, the pastor’s wife died, and not long after, the fashion designer had a dream. In this dream, she saw the pastor’s wife in hell, sitting in what she described as “the department of worldliness with great torture and pain.” This department contained seats with the names of the other women in the church who wore weaves.

And that’s not all. According to fashion designer lady, the pastor’s wife hair had turned to snakes that were biting her, adding to the pain of hellfire.

DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNN!

Fashion designer lady claimed the pastor’s wife spent the entire dream cussing her out for stopping Evangelist Fumilayo from preaching that day. It was in the midst of this cussing session that she woke up.

After reading this next part, try not to roll your eyes too hard lest they get lost in the back of your head.

What did the female church members use to cut off their weaves?

Evangelist Fumilayo says she was invited back to the church two years later. She says that on her way there, she spent time thinking of how she was going to shade the hell out of them using bible passages because of how they disgraced her the last time.

However, to her surprise (and disappointment, I’m sure), the women had changed their mode of dressing, leading her to ask what the hell happened. This was when they informed her that she wasn’t actually invited to preach but to witness what God had done in their lives through her.

Ok, sis.

THE ORIGIN OF (AND COVENANT BEHIND) ARTIFICIAL HAIR

Before the reader has time to poke holes in this story or complain about the grammatical errors, Evangelist Fumilayo starts reminiscing about the time she and the Queen of the Coast came together in hell’s laboratory to create hair relaxer. What led them to create this?

Because hell’s comms department received a report one year saying that 8 souls made it into heaven. 8 souls out of the millions that died that year. And to Satan, that was unacceptable.

I mean, have you ever seen both of them in the same room?

Because relaxers were exclusive to people that actually had enough hair to relax, Evangelist Fumilayo suggested to the Queen of the Coast that they needed to create something with the potential to trap every woman on the planet. This was when the Queen of the Coast realized that they needed help and proceeded to set up a meeting between Evangelist Fumilayo and Medusa.

Yes, hunny. THAT Medusa.

You know, the same Medusa who is part of Greek mythology.

At her temple (in GREECE??), Medusa agreed to help, but on one condition. That any human who used what she was going to provide and died with it, would end up looking like her (Medusa) in the afterlife, hindering them from entering heaven. As soon as Evangelist Fumilayo agreed, Medusa handed her a chemical that would become the main ingredient in making artificial hair.

Remember this when next Darling Yaki is being sewn into your hair.

I can’t believe this woman just casually dipped toes into Greek mythology. I feel like I’m in an episode of ‘Supernatural’.

Also, this:

Evangelist Fumilayo ends the books blaming women who seemingly can’t get husbands and women with failed marriages for their misfortune.

How to be free of Medusa’s curse:

Girl, bye.

Click here to read the recap I wrote for Evangelist Fumilayo’s first book. It chronicles her experiences as an intern in hell for 990 years and how football (created by the devil) will bring about humanity’s downfall.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Understanding The Mystery And Dangers Of Masturbation”.

Why does he look like he’s in so much pain? Is he using Aboniki as a lubricant? What is happening?

With no introduction whatsoever, the author just kinda hits you in the face with the book’s main ideology. In the first damn line, he tells you that masturbation is the act of having sexual intercourse with demons and getting them pregnant/getting impregnated by them.

Also, the thought of all those half-human, half-demon spawn running around without parents makes me sad.

He goes on to say that victims of masturbation usually get into the act via the influence of a friend, erotic magazine, porn video, images, television programs, or demonic evil voice. All these terms immediately let me know that this book was written by a person who’s not in tune with modern-day slang. Like, can you imagine walking into an XXX shop and casually asking for an erotic magazine? Lol

Also, did anyone reading get the encouragement to masturbate for the first time from a disembodied demonic voice? I’m seriously asking. If you did, indicate in the comments because chile…wtf.

The author defines masturbation one more time as a way of defiling oneself, an act through which a wide variety of spiritual curses get injected into the masturbator. Oh, yes. According to this book, masturbation is the cause of a ton of human problems like stagnancy, backwardness, financial wreckage, and failure in the works of one’s hands. It also opens the destiny of the perpetrator to attacks from the spiritual realm.

Here’s an image I made that perfectly describes that last line:

He also says that the reason chronic masturbators find it difficult to stop the act is because of the Masturbation Demon, an ancient evil being who’s too legit in this sexual temptation business to quit (i.e just abandon a victim). If you’re wondering who assigned this demon this task, the author tells us. It’s none other than the QUEEN OF THE COAST!

Remember her? I once recapped a book for this series containing her terrible plans for Christians and humans in general. Click here to read that article.

The author posits that the dangers of masturbation have the following severe effects on the human body:

• Loss of memory

• Loss of focus

• Urinating sperm (wot??)

• Wet dreams

• Fatigue

• Blurry vision

• Barrenness (caused by the masturbator’s hell-assigned spiritual spouse).

HOW DOES ONE OVERCOME THE DANGERS OF MASTURBATION?

1) Convert to Christ: Locate a genuine bible-believing church and, in great detail, loudly confess your sexual immoral sins to everyone present. Get baptized and make sure it happens in a flowing river, not a swimming pool. Because a baptism in a swimming pool would just be you soaking in a lukewarm broth of your own sins.

2) Guard your eyes: Be careful what you look at. As a man, NEVER look at a woman twice. Get rid of every worldly piece of media around you. Cut off worldly friends and refrain from the pointless act of dating. Engage in church activities to occupy your mind.

3) Control your thoughts: Constantly fill your mind with God’s words, hymns, etc. And when the author says constantly, he means CONSTANTLY. Read this:

Did he just refer to wanting to get educated, married, and owning a house as pointless desires?

Girl, bye.

Click here to read all about the Queen of the Coast. Trust me when I say that this is stuff you want to know.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “A Letter From Hell To A Friend”.

I don’t know if these people are on to me and what I do here but the authors of these books have stopped putting their names. Anyway, this book starts with the following questions.

“What if you had a friend who died in SIN or without knowing Jesus as their personal saviour? What if he or she went to HELL? What if one day you received an e-mail or letter from your friends in the flames of eternal torment?”

After this, the author goes into the story.

The story begins with two high school students named Zack and Josh. The fact that the subjects are named like Nickelodeon characters let me know that this story isn’t about Nigerians. Zack and Josh are best friends. Zack is a Christian but Josh doesn’t care much for religion. The author points out that even though they’re super close, Zack keeps his relationship with Jesus private from Josh.

Then Josh dies in a drunken car crash. Not long after the funeral, Zack gets a letter…from Josh, who is now in hell.

The story says that Zach got this letter after the funeral. WHY does Josh start the letter saying he died that day? Except Josh was buried the same day he died, the timelines don’t add up and none of this makes sense.

A thing that cracks me up about stories from people who have allegedly experienced judgement in the afterlife is how they claim to not know what happens after your name isn’t found in the book of life…

…or what it means when a huge beast grabs you off the line and starts taking you somewhere else.

Hilarious.

It’s established early in the story that Zack kept his relationship with Jesus a secret from Josh and never spoke to him about it. So where is Josh coming from with this “We talked about it 3 times today”? Also, what day?? WHO THE HELL IS CYRIL?!

Why does this letter read like it was being written in real-time? Was there an audio-to-text thing going on? “Ooh NO, NO, I AM WITHOUT HOPE!” Could this be any more dramatic??

So if he’s being tortured by literal monsters and his thoughts around the clock, when did he get the time to write this hella verbose letter? WHEN?!

Jesus Christ, Josh. I get you don’t have a choice now but “must suffer FOREVER”? Cut yourself some slack. Jeez.

Ok. You know what? Fuck Josh. Yeah, I said it. Zach couldn’t have been the only Christian in his life. Why is he putting all the blame on him? Also, “I wish you are here”???

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Ten Great Reasons Why You Should Say No To Sex Before Marriage.”

The book begins with a preface in which the author talks about how sex has permeated all forms of Nigerian media (music, movies, adverts, books etc). He then posits the theory that MAYBE sex is becoming one of Nigerians’ favourite topics.

He then talks about how difficult life in society is for people who genuinely want to wait until their married to have sex due to pressure from “friends, peer groups, teachers and other adults.” This statement made my head spin because of the “teachers and adults” of it all. Like, adults pressured you to have sex when you were kids? What society was this??

Using way more lines than needed, he goes on to explain the sacred nature of sex, describing it as a powerful intense force inside us that God designed for a loving committed marriage relationship. (Yep, marriage relationship.) He then compares casual sex to placing your best lace on the floor of a chicken house and letting the chickens shit and walk all over it, following it up with this image:

Lace? What generation was this written for?

Let’s just go into the actual book, abeg. He divided the ten reasons into ten chapters.

CHAPTER 1: Say no because God says NO to sex outside or before marriage.

My favourite thing about this chapter is how the author acknowledges that a lack of sex makes people miserable by starting with the line, “He does not say NO to make us miserable.”

He attempts to scare readers with the threat that sex outside marriage brings nothing but pain and heartache (because it’s designed to be between married people) but doesn’t provide any data to back this up.

CHAPTER 2: Say NO because you will save yourself from the guilt, shame, and sadness that sex outside marriage brings.

This was when I realized that this book was a product of the patriarchy and was targeted at girls only. The chapter talks about how a moment’s pleasure can lead to life-long embarrassment due to being regarded in society as a slut.

The author then slyly compares people who don’t wait until marriage for sex to animals with no self-respect, self-respect, and self-control.

CHAPTER 3: Say NO because you will spare yourself the pain and grief of finding out that you were being used rather than being loved and accepted.

The author rants about how sex and love aren’t the same things and how finding out you were being used for sex brings major heartbreak. I stopped here and asked, out loud, what happens when you (the reader) are the one using people for sex. Seeing as I was alone, I didn’t get a response.

I kept on reading.

CHAPTER 4: Say NO because every time you have sex, you run the risk of making a baby.

The author spends the bulk of this chapter shitting on pregnancies and contraceptives. He talks about getting pregnant like it’s the same as getting ebola and describes contraceptives as ineffective. He put a drawing of a heavily pregnant girl sitting in a chair and looking sad as shit. Beneath this image is the following text:

“Girls, if you become pregnant, you will have to tell those you love in your extended family that you are understage. They will be disappointed and hurt too.”

CHAPTER 5: Say NO because (girls), if you get pregnant, that makes you a mother responsible to care for the baby.

Even though the title talks about babies like their gremlins or some shit, the main chapter is about how if you (a girl) gets knocked up, the father will take off, leaving you with a pregnancy you can’t afford. This will lead you to consider abortion and eventually getting one, destroying your womb and your chances of getting into heaven in one fell swoop.

CHAPTER 6: Say NO because of the dangers of catching STDs.

You know, I knew STDs were bound to come up at some point. What I did not see coming was how it was going to be explained. After spouting some seriously outdated info about STDs (people who get HIV die within 2-10 years after infection), He then goes on to talk about Spiritually Transmitted Demons. His (fucking bonkers) logic is this:

“If you half sex with a person that possesses 2000 demons, half of that person’s demons are now yours.”

I’ve seen The Exorcist, for God’s sake.

Chapter 7: Say NO because you will destroy your plans.

Translation: Because babies are demon crackheads, they will make you drop out of school, destroying your chances of ever getting a well-paid job or succeeding in life.

Chapter 8: Say NO because you want to fully enjoy sex in a relationship of genuine.

According to the author, this feels better than casual sex.

Chapter 9: Say NO because you will be able to choose to marry the special person God has planned for you.

Because in the society the author lives, there is a rule against marrying any woman who has a kid, implying that they are destined to die alone.

Chapter 10: Say NO because the people who love you expect you to say no.

The people: Your parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pastor, people in your church, your future spouse, and Jesus (who died to give you the power to say NO).

With the exception of Bros J, all those other people are on their own.