Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants”

This picture looks like the poster of a cheap horror movie you just know will spawn 11 sequels.

The book starts with the author explaining what covenants are and how Satan has tricked countless people into (consciously or unconsciously) entering evil covenants with him so he can steal their souls.

These 2 paragraphs literally could’ve been 2 lines. But whatever I guess.

He says that there 5 things needed to make an evil covenant:

• People
• Words
• Reason
• Place
• Blessing (for keeping the covenant) and Punishment (for breaking it)

The rest of the book is the author listing and explaining the different ways people get into evil covenants with the devil. This is my favourite part of the whole thing. Why?

1) Sex Outside Marriage: He used this point to shade the hell of fornicators. He says that bumping genitals with everyone you come across –like you’re gunning for the Whore of Babylon’s spot – puts you at risk of having things transferred to you. E.g. body fluids, diseases, and DEMONS.

This is the way he explains it:

Like I once pointed out in an old article, this is an insane example because if If I come across a person harbouring 100 demons in their body, I’ll be able to tell. Because I’ve seen every season of Supernatural.

I took that last sentence to mean that if you eschewed having sex for the first time in a fancy hotel room with scented candles and mood lighting so you could lose your virginity in the cramped backseat of a Kia to a stranger you met 30 mins prior on a dating app, then you’re going to hell.

2) Pictures: Here’s the author’s super specific example:

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. Maybe the author was promised marriage and then jilted? That’s a story for another day.

This reminds me of a tweet that pointed out how less willing people would be to post pictures of themselves online if they could see how many random people save those pictures to use for whatever. I thought the worst that could happen was someone sticking my picture to the face of a sex doll and pretending it’s me. This book has let me know that things could be much worse.

3) Blood: This one was a lot:

Who are the people doing this? Isn’t this a red flag? If you get romantically involved with a person who insists on you two mixing and drinking each other’s blood like you’re in The Vampire Diaries universe, won’t you run?

Then I remembered that there are people who derive pleasure from having hot candle wax poured on their naughty parts, and I moved on.

4) Counterfeit Religion:

Is it just me or did that feel like a subtle jab at Catholicism? Whoever this author is must have gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ School Of Throwing Thinly-Veiled Shade At Other Churches.

5) Occultic Covenants:

If only Nnamdi Okeke (Living in Bondage: Breaking Free) had known this.

6) Food & Drinks:

Btw, it’s your fault if this happens to your kid(s). The agents of darkness caught you slipping and took advantage. You should have had your kid(s) watch the Nigerian horror classic, After School Hours, as soon as they could talk.

7) Demonic Fashion:

Click here to read a detailed breakdown of demonic fashion. Thank me later.

Here’s how to find out!

Giving birth?? Chile…

Then the book ends with the usual “give your life to Christ and join a good church.”

Till next week, you guys. ✌️

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be recapping Reverend Chris Okotie’s video, “The COVID-19 Mystery”.

So Lady Rona has been touring the known world for a little over 6 months now. And since then, there have been many conspiracy theories, spouted by prominent Nigerians who, prior to this, we all thought would know better. So far, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome has been leading the charge, but Reverend Chris Okotie joined the “movement” a few days ago. And to be honest, it did not surprise me at all.

He’s totally the type of person who would buy into shit like this.

Like a YouTuber telling his version of events in a feud, the former singer, current Reverend, and hair gel enthusiast dropped a 1 hour and 20-minute long video online addressing the COVID-19 pandemic. A co-worker sent the video to me so I figured I’d watch and recap it SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

Let’s get into it.

The video begins with a 30-second long opening sequence. I’m confused by this because an opening sequence means a lot of planning went into the video’s production. But not enough to make the video not have the quality of a snuff film on NTA?

Rev Chris appears onscreen and introduces himself as the shepherd superintendent of his church. This (and the fact that he’s talking really slow) lets me know that we’re in for an insufferable display of vocabulary. What he says next, proves me right.

“What does it betoken? What is the spiritual purport? What does it prognosticate? What are the ramifications of the things we’ve had to deal with in terms of the isolation? Something I’d like to call selective anti-socialism.”

After promising to pass information in an easily understandable way but continuing to whack viewers over the head with a thesaurus, he says some stuff about God hiding messages in the bible using numerology. He also explains that contrary to what some people believe (i.e. other conspiracy theorists), everything happening in the world right now isn’t connected to the mark of the beast (666) but a precursor to that.

What follows this is an absolutely bonkers attempt to explain, using biblical events, why the number 10 is special.

According to Rev Chris, the phrase, “God commanded” appears in the creation process 10 times because God wanted to establish his supremacy over Earth in the presence of Satan. He says that the number of toes Adam was created with (10) signifies the authorisation God gave Adam as the god of the earth (a position that was soon taken over by Satan). He also said that that authority was the reason Jesus’ feet were nailed together by one nail (as opposed to his hands which were separated), while suspended in the air. Because Jesus couldn’t receive the sins of the world with his 10 toes touching the earth or the entire planet would explode.

One of us is overthinking this and I’m not sure it’s me.

If you’ve been wondering why 2020 has been a colossal shit show, Rev Chris claims it’s because this is the year Satan has chosen to throw hands with God, a fight that will prepare the earth for the coming of the antichrist.

For this fight to happen, Satan needed a human pawn to create a pandemic.

And that pawn is Bill Gates. Rev Chris says the reason Bill was chosen is that he has a “pattern” and then makes a super long reach by claiming that the things below mean anything:

For this to make any sense, remember these: 10 (bad number), 4 (number of creation), 8 (number of new beginnings).

Let me break down the board so it’s easier to read:

I looked at these things for so long, hoping that Josh2Funny would pop up and reveal that this video was just an elaborate skit. But alas, that didn’t happen.

Rev Chris claims that church gatherings being banned and people being asked to stay home – a thing that was done to reduce the spread of the disease – is important to Satan. The reason is that not going to church denies “him who he is as God” and forces us to stay in our homes (where Satan reigns supreme).

He also drags the conduction of religious activities online by saying that it’s impossible to worship God as a church without gathering physically.

“Because for you to be in church, you have to be ecclesia, which is translated from the Greek word, ec, which is out, and the word caleo, called out. You cannot gather unto God until you are called out. That’s why Israel was called out of the world. So, this thing, this phenomenon that we are talking about, the Internet and cyber churches, is totally unscriptural.“

But whatever I guess.

At this point, he pauses and says, “If you’re still here, say ‘Uh huh, uh huh’” so I’m like:

And he carried on.

He goes on a rant about how Satan, using Bill Gates, is attempting to feed everyone demon communion.

This communion will get everyone into a blood pact with him, a pact that will turn everyone into beings that require blood to live (i.e. VAMPIRES). This, according to him, is why there are so many movies about vampires. Because Hollywood is full of satanic prophets.

I shit you not.

Like turning everyone on the planet into members of the Cullen family isn’t enough, Rev Chris claims that the vaccine Bill Gates is working on will contain drugs that will open the doors in our souls that were shut by God after Adam ate the forbidden fruit. This is so we’ll be easy to control.

There’s also a bit where he says that the reason modern-day women are obsessed with surgically enhancing their asses is so, like Lot’s wife, they’ll keep looking back at things that don’t matter.

In the same breath, he says that these women shaking their asses (twerking) will help bring about the second coming of Sodom and Gomorrah, which is what the antichrist wants the earth to be before he arrives. He says some stuff that doesn’t really mean anything and the video ends.

Me after watching this:

RECOMMENDED: I Spoke To A Money Ritual Juju Man So You Don’t Have To

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Breaking The Yoke And Curse Of Alcoholism In The Life Of Christian”.

The author starts with throwing the line, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”, at the reader, which I imagine would be super depressing for a recovering alcoholic looking through this book for help. He also says that the real reason people with drinking problems struggle with it their whole lives is because of EVIL SPIRITS.

i DiD nOt SeE tHaT cOmInG!

According to the author, your consumption of alcohol (and that of your ancestors) prepares a studio apartment in your soul for the many demons on their way to set up camp.

Translation: Because alcohol problems are a result of evil spirits, attempting sobriety without a full-on deliverance session as elaborate as the Broadway production of Phantom Of The Opera will end with the person falling further down the demonic rabbit hole of alcoholism.

Um…chile…anyway, let’s move on to the next chapter.

“If you see any person or people smoking cigarettes or marijuana or hemp or cocaine, any kind of thing smokable — usually, it’s not their fault, it is the witches who are the cause of such evil works.“

That’s the line that starts this chapter.

So this is how the witches do their thing. If a person they want to destroy is too spiritually strong for them, they attack by tempting the person with drugs to smoke à la weed, crack, crystal meth etc. When the person gives in, the witches will literally stuff the prosperity of the individual’s life in the joints, leading to the destruction of the person’s life. Also, smoking leads to this:

I was going to give the author props for being right about smoking causing illnesses but he went on to say that all those illnesses (lung cancer, heart disease, etc) are caused by witches so I just kept quiet .

Ladies and gentlemen, the 4 spirits listed above, according to this book, are the evil spirits who check into the soul of any human who consumes alcohol. I would describe how they work but this is a thing y’all have to read for yourselves.

To ensure that a person stops hearing word, the author says that witches stuff a person’s ears with “thick cotton wool soaked in palm oil”. This is why he insists a deliverance session is needed to attain sobriety.

This is followed by a list of bible verses that are supposed to be reasons why people shouldn’t drink alcohol but I mentally checked out of the book because Jesus turned water into wine that one time at a wedding.

So…

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Build A Successful Marriage With The Power Of The Tongue.”

Let me just say now that the title of this book is wildly deceiving. I saw it and got excited because I thought it was about how the practices of cunnilingus and analingus are out here saving marriages. So imagine my disappointment when I opened it and found out it was written by a misogynistic man spouting marriage advice that puts the task of maintaining marriages on women.

That being said, it’s still garbage, and I like garbage. So I read it (super short book) and I decided to recap it because there are 2 stories in it you absolutely have to hear.

A husband and wife, who have always been #couplegoals, start having problems. Their church elders sit them down and ask why their union has gone bad like neglected egusi soup, and the husband promptly blames the wife. He says that when there’s any misunderstanding between them, his wife talks back to him, a thing he claims has caused him to lose interest in her.

The author takes a break to quote Proverbs 14: 1.

I know you can already tell how this story ends, but please indulge me.

The husband goes on to claim that his wife’s behaviour has led him down the rabbit holes of alcoholism and adultery, even going as far as having sex with random women in their bed WITH HIS WIFE LYING RIGHT THERE.

After the “investigation”, the elders decide that the wife’s inability to hold her tongue is the reason her husband has become an alcoholic philanderer. They tell her to shut the fuck up forever and in time, the man stops being a drunken harlot.

You know, that story was super one-sided. We literally never hear from the wife except when she’s asked to confirm that her husband has indeed been bumping genitals with different women in their house. If you think this story teaches a terrible lesson, keep reading.

A woman rushes into a reverend father’s office and complains that her husband beats her. The reverend father asks her to sit.

When she returns home later that day, her husband starts beating her again. She puts some of the water in her mouth and doesn’t spill or swallow until the beating is over. Over time, the beatings reduce (not stop) so she returns to the reverend father to thank him for the holy water. The reverend father laughs and asks her if she knows why her husband used to beat her so much.

Translation: If you want a successful marriage as a woman, shut the fuck up and never speak again.

After reading those last 2 paragraphs, I was like:

Like I said at the beginning, this book is super short. The kind of thing that people make and share in public. Can you imagine how many impressionable young girls who’ve gotten their hands on this garbage life manual??

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I decided to shake things up by recapping a movie instead. For the first movie in the series, I picked the infamous Polish erotic romantic drama film, ‘365 Days’.

This movie was actually released back in February 2020 but didn’t pick up steam until it hit Netflix in June, 4 months later. Then no one allowed me to hear word on the internet because of it. Everywhere I turned, there were people fantasizing about being kidnapped while on vacation by an Italian hunk named Massimo. I was going to ignore it but then I heard that the movie is complete garbage, and my interest was piqued.

The movie starts with a conversation between the leader of an Italian Mafia family and a group of guys looking to sell teenage girls into sex slavery.

Mafia leader’s son, Massimo, is spying on a woman on the beach. Mafia Leader tells his son to stop being a harlot and focus because the business will be his one day. Then they both get shot by someone (some people?) and Mafia leader dies.

5 years pass and we’re introduced to the female protagonist named Laura. Laura comes home after a hard day at work and attempts to bump genitals with her boyfriend, Martin, (who looks like a discount Michael Chiklis) but he rebuffs her advances, citing her weak heart as his reason. She goes to her bedroom and masturbates. At the same time, Massimo is receiving the most dramatic blow job I have ever seen from an air hostess on his private jet. Both scenes are shown to us at the same time.

The reason for this sequence is still unknown.

To celebrate her birthday, Laura goes on vacation to Italy with her asshole boyfriend, Martin, and her friend, Olga. At some point, she runs into Massimo, who asks her if she’s lost and then vanishes. Laura’s asshole boyfriend ignores her and hangs out with his buddies the whole time because he’s an asshole so she confronts him, storms off by herself, and is promptly kidnapped.

She wakes up in a fancy house and comes across a giant painting of her…

…after which Massimo appears in the room and repeats what he said to her the first time they met.

She recognizes him and faints. She wakes up later to find him shoving a block of ice in her mouth to suck on because her heart condition made her body react negatively to the sedative used during the kidnapping.

Whatever, I guess.

He proceeds to tell her how he decided to kidnap her after seeing her at the airport when she landed in Italy. He reveals she’s the woman he was checking out on the beach right before he and his father got shot 5 years prior, and he wants her to be his, giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. He tells her that he won’t touch her without her permission and THEN PROCEEDS TO GRAB HER BOOB in a moment of passion and chokes her whenever she talks back to him. Laura tries to escape while screaming about how she has a boyfriend and Massimo informs her that he’s sent her boyfriend a staged breakup note from her. When she’s like “WTF?!”, he shows her proof of her boyfriend’s infidelity (super clear photos of him sleeping with another woman) and threatens to murder her entire family if she tries to escape again.

All this made me ask:

After this, we’re treated to a montage of Massimo taking Laura shopping. This goes on for like 5 minutes and it’s set to a song obviously performed by Michele Morrone, the actor that plays Massimo.

A lot of nothing happens for a while. She gets the bright idea to start seducing him any chance she gets.

And with anything she gets.

She does this until he snaps and forces her to watch another woman give him head.

This turns her on so much that she seems ready to put out right there and then. But he just tells her to get dressed and get out. They go to a club where Massimo is meeting with a few colleagues to discuss Mafia business stuff but he gets pissed because Laura is wearing a super-revealing dress, which is insane because he’s the one that insisted she come. In an attempt to piss Massimo off even more (a thing she clearly enjoys doing at this point), she flirts and dirty dances with a random guy in the club who turns out to be a member of a rival Mafia family. The guy tries to force himself on Laura and this makes Massimo whip out two guns from his extremely spacious crotch and threaten to shoot up the place. Laura wakes up on a yacht and overhears Mario, Massimi’s adviser, telling him that something wicked this way comes because he shot a guy. She apologizes for what she did and asks if the guy Massimo shot was the guy who groped her the previous night. He says ‘yes’ and she’s horrified but he doesn’t notice because he’s too busy blaming her for shooting the guy’s hands off, RoboCop style.

They get into a huge fight during which Massimo accidentally (and hilariously) knocks her into the water. He jumps in and rescues her. While all this is happening, Massimo’s adviser, who he was having a conversation with before Laura interrupted, just stands there looking like:

Mario didn’t give a shit. LMAO

When she wakes up, she is shocked to hear that Massimo saved her. Massimo thanks God he was nearby to save her before she drowned, even though HE WAS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED HER OFF THE YACHT. Touched by his “act of kindness,” she offers to eat his penis…

…after which they proceed to have sex ALL OVER the yacht.

I chose this screenshot because I know y’all can’t see shit in it.

After bumping genitals, Massimo says he’s taking Laura to a ball and she freaks out because she has nothing to wear. Massimo solves this problem by summoning two fashion gays to dress her.

You know they’re gay because of the flowery/leopard print suits, limp wrists, and insane amounts of eyeliner.

At the ball, they run into a woman named Anna. It’s revealed that Anna was one of Massimo’s booty calls during the years he spent searching for Laura. After trying and failing to get him to date her officially, she swore to kill the person responsible for his inability to reciprocate her feelings. Laura leaves and Massimo chases after to apologize. He promises to never let anyone hurt her and then they have sex in the PUBLIC BATHROOM.

Did somebody say DISGUSTING?!

As soon as they’re done, he tells her that she has to go visit her family in Poland. She starts to protest but remembers that she has no say whatsoever in this disgusting ass relationship and keeps quiet. He proclaims his love for her and promises to join her in Poland soon, leaving her sitting on the sink of a public bathroom.

In this shot, she’s probably wondering why her life is suddenly a discount ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

Laura returns to Poland and weeks pass. She reunites with her friend, Olga and explains everything. Olga tells her to stay away from Massimo but Laura says ‘no’ so Olga gives up and suggests they both go to a spa and a night club. Laura runs into her ex-boyfriend, Martin, at the club. Martin follows her home, begging her to take him back. She finds Massimo in her apartment and slaps him for abandoning her for so long. They proceed to have sex in front of a giant open window.

He proposes to her and she accepts on the condition that he doesn’t tell her parents what he does for a living. Laura reveals to Olga that she’s pregnant and Olga tells her not to inform Massimo. Mario (Massimo’s adviser) gets a tip that the rival family (whose member Massimo killed for groping Laura) plans to kill Laura. At that moment, the car Laura is in is shown entering a tunnel but doesn’t come out of the other side. Police cars show up. Massimo finds out what happened from Mario and screams to the sky, even though Laura can’t be dead because the source material for this garbage is a trilogy of books.

But whatever, I guess.

The End

After watching ‘365 Days’, I have to agree with the people who described it as ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on steroids. Everything about this movie (acting, writing, plot etc) is fucking terrible. It legit took me a week to get through it. That’s how bad it is. If you haven’t seen this movie already, SAVE YOURSELF!!!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Confessions Of A Former Church Of Satan Member.”

This guy.

This book tells the story of a Ghanaian man named Kofi Steven. On the 24th of June 2012, Steven made a confession in which he claimed to have been a member of the church of Satan. He swore to have met Satan in person, sold his soul to him, and drank a baby’s blood to seal the deal.

Seeing this synopsis got me excited because this is exactly the kind of nonsense I live for. Then the wave of excitement passed and I asked myself this question:

Why exactly do I like garbage?

Then I proceeded to read the book. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.

The book begins with Kofi talking about how he got entangled in the devil’s web. You see, in his final year at the University of Ghana, Kofi became broke as shit. After failing to get financial aid from his parents, he turned to a friend for help. Kofi was sure this friend would come through because he’d helped Kofi financially in the past. So imagine the disappointment Kofi felt when his friend said this:

If Kofi had seen literally any Nollywood movie about a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult, he would’ve known that at that moment, he was a naïve, broke guy being groomed to join a cult. But I guess he wasn’t a Nollywood fan because his friend initiated him into the church of Satan not long after.

Like the protagonist in Living in Bondage: Breaking Free (the movie the above image is from), Kofi expressed no shock whatsoever when he found out his friend was in a cult. If he did, he didn’t include it in his confession.

Kofi claims that even though he joined the church of Satan in Ghana, his proper initiation took place in the United States. He says that during a meeting with Satan (a meeting during which he drank baby blood), he asked for 3 things:

• To be rich
• To be famous
• To live long.

Then this happened:

After this, his mother saw a vision and figured what he was up to. She confronted him by saying, “My son, please don’t join a cult,” but he replied with something along the lines of, “Fuck you, mother” and proceeded to go deeper into the cult life by somehow joining MORE cults.

OCCULT LIFE FOREVER!

But like every story involving a naïve, broke guy getting into a cult, tragedy struck!

Damn.

In this chapter, Kofi reveals that he sacrificed his penis (i.e. his ability to have kids) when he joined the cult. He also reveals that after breaking Satan’s rules by eating his mother’s pie (lol), he was given only 49 days to live.

I was like:

But, you know. Whatever.

As further punishment for eating his mother’s pie (lmao), all his businesses began to crumble. His house burned down and he got arrested by the police on suspicion of drug trafficking. Simply put, his life became straight-up diarrhoea.

Seems like there’s no dearth of humour in hell.

Then this happened:

But because he didn’t involve himself in the church’s activities and left before the service ended, the holy spirit returned to whoop his ass, instructing him to return to the church again. And he did, on the day this program was taking place:

After finding out the theme of the program (Time To Recover All), Kofi decided that this was his chance to recover his penis and all the other things Satan took from him.

He pauses the story at this point to drop a warning:

To throw shade:

And to let us know that he’s been watching those New World Order conspiracy theory videos on YouTube:

He also says this:

Then the book ends.

We’re never told if he did die after 49 days or if he ever got his penis back. The book just ends. Honestly, reading this left me as confused and upset as I was after watching the series finale of LOST.

Me, after reading this.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Spiritual Dangers Of Women Wearing Trousers”.

“And that’s on period!” – The author of this book

The author starts with throwing shade at modern preachers who (so as to not lose church members) tell women that they’re allowed to wear whatever they want. He says that by encouraging women to wear trousers (i.e. the official attire of harlots), they are luring good men into partaking in the sin of lust. According to him, women starting to wear trousers in the 1950s somehow led to nudity in the 1960s and millions of unwanted pregnancies and abortions in the 1970s.

To that I say:

He follows this up with a psychological fact: That what a person wears affects how they think and behave.

Excerpt from lifehack.org

But proceeds to grossly misinterpret that by implying that a woman wearing something as revealing as a spaghetti top will eventually lead to her becoming the Whore of Babylon. This made me stop reading and ask out loud:

Because LMAO!

Another thing the author keeps mentioning is the bible verse that says women shouldn’t wear garments meant for men and vice versa because it’s an abomination (Deuteronomy 22:5). And this reminded me of a Quartzy article from 2019 titled, A Brief History of Women in Pants. Here’s a quote about that verse in the article from Gayle Fischer, an associate professor of history at Salem State University.

Points were made.

The author starts this chapter blaming feminism for the prevalence of lesbianism in today’s society. He also makes a long-ass reach by attempting to make a connection between feminism, homosexuality, and abortions.

See, I hate when people are just wrong for no reason. There are queer fashion designers all over the world dictating our standards of clothing. Not just in France.

He mentions something about women not wearing sexy blue jeans (are black jeans ok?) and then rambles for an entire paragraph describing, in graphic detail, how women in trousers lure men into sin.

Just look at how the he describes men. Like animals with no self control.

According to the author, the reason why old-timey women were amazing and beautiful wives is that they wore long, baggy, double dresses that hid their “upholstered buttocks” and stopped their private parts from being exposed by sunlight.

What follows this is an unintentionally hilarious paragraph that heavily implies that any woman who subscribes to feminist ideologies will end up sad, divorced, alone, and grieving the side effects of an abortion gone wrong while wearing tight trousers and drinking beer.

Also, if you’re a woman who wears trousers, the author blames YOU for men who cheat and the destruction of their marriages. He also says that because you wear men’s clothing, you will eventually become a serial killer.

The book ends with a few praises any “pick me” woman would kill to hear from a man:

Until next week!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Dangers of Not Paying Tithe and Offering.”

*Monseigneur Claude Frollo just entered the chat.*

The chapter starts of saying that tithing is mandatory for any Christian who:

• Wants to experience a divine financial breakthrough in their life.
• Doesn’t want to experience an eternity of hot girl summer in hell when they die.

Before you’ve even settled in, the book hits you with an excerpt from the confession of some guy named Jonas (not one of the Jonas brothers), an ex-Satanist and current pastor. In the excerpt, Jonas talks about the roster Lucifer and his squad follow when it comes to causing havoc in churches.

I got excited when I read this paragraph because there’s nothing I love more than piping hot underworld tea.

Did they just blame Satan for Monday Blues?

According to the book, It is Akiel (the poverty demon who works from 12 AM to 1 PM on Sundays) that influences people to not give offerings and tithes, ensuring that they remain in poverty. Why? Because poverty drives people away from God and towards Lucifer. Also, it’s easy to become a sorcerer when you’re poor.

That last line isn’t even me trying to be funny. It’s right there in the book.

Chile, that is a topic for another day.

This chapter starts with the story of a guy named James. James’ life is straight-up diarrhoea, which means that absolutely nothing in his is going right. This causes James to seek deliverance prayers from a pastor. After the deliverance, James feels like a new man and is happy that all his troubles are finally over. A few hours later, he receives what he considers to be proof of the potency of his deliverance session: a salary alert of N120,000 with an additional N35,000 as an end of year bonus. But in a horrifying plot twist, he gets home and is informed that his daughter fell off a balcony and requires treatment that costs N200,000.

I’m serious. That’s the end of the story.

The moral lesson of this story is:

In order words:

There’s also this bit that’s absolutely bonkers:

Girl, I…

In this chapter, the author claims to have (and promises to reveal) concrete proof that none payment of tithe/offering sends people to hell. But before doing that, he proceeds to explain what tithing means using TWO PARAGRAPHS.

This feels like something that should’ve come earlier in the book – like at the beginning – but whatever. At least now we get the proof we were promised.

Wait. What?

• Sister Laura Wanma – Testimony of Heaven and Hell:

• Choo Thomas – Heaven is So Real:

• The 7 Colombian Youths – Divine Revelation Hell:

• Ricardo Cid – 8 Hours in Heaven Testimony:

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the author’s concrete proof. Stories from Christians who claim to have gone on tours of heaven and hell with Jesus Christ Superstar as their guide.

This is the “proof” that I endured three chapters for.

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Dealing With The Witchcraft In Your Father’s House”.

Pretty much the same thing self-proclaimed witch hunter and honourary Winchester-sister, Helen Ukpabio, promised to to do with this program.

The author starts the book saying that there is a strong umbilical cord attaching everyone in existence to their ancestors. He also says that the deeds of your father’s house (i.e wicked acts stemming from witchcraft) shape your destiny and that your lack of this knowledge is what causes you to suffer.

Translation: Japa’ing to another country won’t fix your problems because your problems are tethered to you.

Your problems confronting you after you’ve moved to Canada.

Ancestral Household Wickedness And Influence

This chapter tells the story of a guy named Kayode. The story starts with the line, “Even though Kayode knows the definition of peace, he has never in his life experienced it”. A line that, I can’t explain why, made me laugh like crazy. Kayode is brilliant and hopes to become a doctor someday but the chances of that happening are slim as hell because he’s written and failed both WAEC and NECO five times.

One year, Kayode refuses to register for either exam because he’s sick of failing. But in a fucking hilarious turn of events, he still receives F9 parallel results from both WAEC and NECO, even though he didn’t write the exams.

The next year, he registers for his WAEC at a “special centre” and finally passes. That doesn’t stop an F9 parallel result from coming alongside his actual result though.

If you think this made Kayode wonder if the people at WAEC and NECO were messing with him, it didn’t.

Kayode goes to university and has an even shittier time than he did in secondary school. (Missing exam scripts cause him to spend eight years in uni.). Failure to get a job after graduation leads to him returning to his village to work on his aunty’s farm. And just when you think his life can’t get any shittier, this happens:

Oh, it gets worse.

I haven’t seen a more unfortunate series of events since that Mexican telenovela, Maria La Del Barrio.

However, the man who almost turned Kayode into roadkill is a super Christian or something and has a Raven Baxter-style vision containing the reason why Kayode’s life has been straight up diarrhoea. It turns out that the day Kayode was born, his “glory” was stolen and “hung up on a tree in the world of darkness by the person who bathed him for the first time.”

The same aunty whose farm he worked on? Did she wreck his glory (hole) because she wanted free labour? Damn.

Girl, I…

Dealing With The Evil Powers And Witchcraft Of Your Father’s House

There’s something to be said about how the author talks about pepper sellers and gatemen but I’m not going to say it.

This is followed by a super depressing paragraph about how the richest places on the planet are cemeteries because of “the millions of unused glories” left behind the dead. There’s also something about not entrusting your child’s care to just anyone because they may be Satanists looking to steal and/or destroy glories.

The battle line has been drawn?

The book finally delivers on its promise by revealing the secret to overcoming ancestral curses. The secret is…you guessed it…giving your life to Christ and submitting yourself to a super dramatic deliverance session.

There’s also a paragraph about sprinkling your children with the blood of Jesus if you don’t want their glories destroyed. And it’s like, I get what he’s saying but it also sounds hella creepy because he used the word “sprinkle”, making the instruction sound literal. The chapter ends with classic mother shaming.

Has The Ancestral Household Wickedness Manipulated Your Glory

This chapter lists out 20 ways the evil ones could be holding your glory (hole) hostage. Also, take this as the apology for the glory hole jokes I scattered around this article.

Why is no. 4 so specific?

People are out here stealing foreskins now??

The author lists no. 12 like he’s damn sure there’s a marine agent disguised as nurse/doctor at everyone’s birth.

Does no. 16 imply that people offer their glories as payment to sex workers?

The book ends with the prayer to be recited if you feel like your glory (hole) has been compromised.

Rod of fire. Lol

Until next week. ✌️

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “How To Overcome The Deadly Sin Of Lust”.

Meme aside, I want to know if this guy made it and what he did to piss the hippo off so much.

The book starts with insisting that the deadliest disease in the world is LUST. Not Ebola. Not AIDS. Not cancer. LUST. Seeing such a wild declaration so early in the book let me know the kind of wild ride I was in for.

THE DEADLY SIN OF LUST

The author starts this chapter proclaiming that a lot of people on earth are just living corpses because they’ve all allowed themselves to be engrossed by the things of the world. He specifically goes out of his way to chastise people for judging others based on looks. Maybe the object of the author’s desire once judged him based on looks and he never got over it. Who knows?

The author goes on to say that God sees everything and won’t let anyone with LUST in their hearts into heaven. He also says that the sin of LUST originated in the garden of Eden when Eve, thanks to the snake, LUSTED after knowledge by eating the fruit. He then goes on define LUST in approximately 2000 words.

YAS, KING! SERVE US VERBOSE REALNESS!

THE MULTIPLE BIRTHS OF LUST

The chapter starts with the author listing out the many evils that have been birthed by the spirit of LUST, and all this brought to mind was that one scene in Game of Thrones where Melissandre gives birth to the shadow demon who promptly proceeds to kill some guy. There are 61 evils and this asshole doesn’t even put them in list form. He just separates them with commas, turning it into the world’s longest, most annoying sentence.

My secondary school English teacher is rolling in his…tiny ass apartment.

What follows is a list of things humans LUST after (another long-ass list) and a description of the spirit of LUST that made it sound like The Nothing from “The Never Ending Story”.

I do love that he goes after prosperity preachers sha.

That super-rich American pastor with the mega-church who refused to open his doors to the survivors of Hurricane Harvey until the world blasted him is SHAKING RIGHT NOW!

HOW CAN WE OVERCOME THE DEADLY SIN OF LUST?

Even though the author has previously pointed out that the spirit of LUST and its modes of transportation (media) are the problems, he starts this chapter by saying this:

Hmmm. Smells like victim blaming to me.

1) REALIZE: This point says for you to realize that LUST is the deadliest disease to have ever existed and that harbouring the spirit of LUST in your heart will affect the futures of you and your descendants.

2) TOTALLY STOP: Stop watching television and shit.

3) DISCIPLINE: Be disciplined enough to stay away from porn on the internet.

4) TOTALLY DISCHARGE: I don’t know what the hell that title was about but this point says for you to destroy anything capable of sparking LUST in your heart. E.g. the object of your affection, all worldly music, magazines, and movies. That includes that VCD of the porn classic, Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge, you have stashed away in the back of your wardrobe. Instead, channel all that porn money into buying church pamphlets.

5) OBSERVE: “Monitor what your children watch on television. Restrict them to educational and soul-building programs only.” JESUS CHRIST

6) SEMINARS: “Be very careful of the kinds of seminars you attend or social gathering. Most of the seminars and motivational speeches offered around will breed lust.” What kind of seminars has this author been attending?

7) REJECT RECREATION OR LEISURE TIME: “Spend all your free time studying God’s word, reading or listening to soul-saving messages.” HIAN. NO free time? EVER?

Until next week. ✌️