Based on how Game of Thrones ended, I honestly went into its new prequel show, House of the Dragon, with my expectations in the poteaux-poteaux. I heard it was showing on Showmax, so I gave it a go and let’s just say these dragon people have me in a chokehold. 

Even though I’m tempted to recap the eight seasons of Game of Thrones, I’ve chosen peace of mind today and focused on the first two episodes of the House of the Dragon. 

House of the Dragon starts by reminding us this is a prequel, so we need to dead any hopes of seeing Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister or Daenerys Targaryen. There’s also a brief history lesson on how powerful the Targaryens are as the rulers of Westeros because of their big-ass dragons and perfectly laid blonde wigs. 

The opening scene shows that Westeros is not that different from the real world when the Lords decide they’d rather choke than allow a woman rule them. Even though Princess Rhaenys Velaryon has a more valid claim to the throne (and a hot husband), they vote for Viserys I Targaryen to take over. 

Years later, we meet discount Daenerys, aka Rhaenyra.

Seeing her ride a dragon is giving me PTSD from the time Dany turned half of Kings Landing into suya in season eight of Game of Thrones. Anyway, Rhaenyra, who I’ll refer to as Riri Baby from now on, is King Viserys I’s only child. And while her pregnant mother reminds her she was born to pop out babies, Riri Baby is on her Arya Stark P and would rather do “manly” activities like go to war and decapitate men. 

YASS QUEEN!

Meanwhile, in the king’s August meeting chambers, we hear him talk about how confident he is that his next child will be a boy and the heir to his throne. 

The universe: 

MEANWHILE

As the council makes plans for fun festivities, Lord Corlys, aka Westerosi Idris Elba, reminds them that the city’s ships are being captured by someone known as the Crab Feeder.

But the council is like: 

We later meet the king’s younger brother, Daemon Targaryen, who looks like an older version of Orlando Bloom from The Lord of the Rings. 

Daemon gives serious Jim Iyke bad boy vibes with a heavy dose of big dick energy. Just one look at him, and I know he’s going to cause chaos. But in the meantime, him and Riri Baby speak in tongues for a bit before he gives her an ugly necklace that means something sha. 

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The king visits his pregnant wife, who tells him this is the last time she’s pushing out a baby from her coochie just because he’s desperate for a male heir. 

On the day the queen goes into labour, a violent tournament is held to celebrate the baby’s birth. People stab each other up and down, and the audience keeps cheering like it’s the UEFA Champions League.

Random man in pain: 

Audience: 

The king is summoned to the labour room and asked to choose between his wife and son. In a move that reminds us never to trust men, he picks the son he doesn’t even know and the midwives cut open his wife like a Christmas chicken. The queen dies, and because karma’s a bad bitch, the baby coughs once and signs out too. 

So much for having a new heir. 

With the baby gone, Daemon decides to do a little dorime in honour of the fact that he’s back to being the sole heir to the throne because no one would give it to Riri Baby, a girl. 

Daemon: 

The king hears of Daemon’s party and is visibly pissed by the dead baby slander. 

The first episode ends with the king making Riri Baby the heir to his throne just to spite him. 

EPISODE 2

Episode two kicks off with Daemon holding one of the castles hostage, and Riri Baby back to doing bartender work despite being named the heir to the throne. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is still on the council’s neck to go after the Crab Feeder. 

But the council refuses to be bothered or stressed.

When Riri Baby suggests that the king sends her and a couple of dragons to flex on the enemy, the Hand of the King, Lord Otto Hightower, is like: 

Lord Hightower has plans of his own, by the way. This man has been sending his teenage daughter, Riri’s BFF, to the king’s chamber to seduce him. Ewwwwww. But we’ll come back to that. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is also married to Princess Rhaenys, the king’s cousin who would’ve been on the throne if not for small sexism. They try to convince the king to marry their daughter, his second cousin. Once again, eww. 

Nothing prepared me for the daughter in question. 

Meanwhile, Lord Hightower goes to see Daemon with an army to retrieve the dragon egg he stole. 

But before Daemon can turn Hightower and his men into asun, Riri Baby steps in, speaks some weird ass language with him again, and he walks away, giving her the egg. 

Over at Kings Landing, the king finally announces who he wants to marry and shocks everyone by picking Lord Hightower’s daughter, Alicent, who’s literally his teenage daughter’s age and bestie. Ewwwww overload. 

Westerosi Idris Elba is pissed his infant daughter didn’t become a child bride, and Riri Baby is pissed her BFF is about to become her stepmother. 

Looking for revenge, Westerosi Idris Elba decides to join forces with Daemon, to defeat the Crab Feeder and take the throne. 

This episode ends with a glimpse of the Crab Feeder, and we know he’s a villain because he’s disfigured like the bad guys from Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Also, he literally feeds his victims to crabs.

The end. 

House of the Dragon is streaming on Showmax with new episodes every Monday, same time it drops in the US

Sign up for Showmax on www.Showmax.com to watch House of the Dragon and other HBO series. If you are an MTN subscriber, you can sign up for Showmax using your airtime by dialling *447*2*2# and following the prompts.

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