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  • 8 Alternatives to Wanking That’ll Give You Your Orgasm As a Man

    Here’s a working theory: DIY fuku-faka only works the first few years after you discover the concept of self-pleasure. It’s only a matter of time before your body starts to crave skin-to-skin genital slamming. But what if we told you there are more creative ways to get around spilling your seed in another human?

    Boys, grab a notepad. Class is in session.

    Tickling

    It’s like beating your meat, except you don’t have to touch it. For this to work, get some privacy and focus. Kumbaya/inner-peace seeking style focus. Next, gently trace your fingertips along your inner thigh, ball sack and nipple. Keep at it for about 10-15 minutes, and you’ll buss.

    Rubbing

    Also known as pillow-fucking, this is a completely hands-free method of getting your orgasm. How does it work? Will your Rod of Correction to attention and grind sensually against the bed. Grabbing your butt might help you get a sense of joint action and arrive at your desired destination.

    Sleep

    There’s only one way to make this work: Watch an obscene amount of pornography before you go to bed, and you’ll have given your spirit partner enough prompt to give you some action.

    Anal massage

    If you’re adventurous enough for some backdoor action, get some lubricant up your anus, slowly stick your index finger in, and try to reach your P-spot AKA prostate gland. Every man has one. You should definitely consider a P-spot toy if you’re serious about this.

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    Nipple play

    As a guy, you’re probably missing out on premium enjoyment if you ignore your nipples. The nipples are super sensitive, which means the right kind of touching and stroking can get you bussing in no time.

    Perineum play

    The perineum is the area between your odogwu and anus. It’s full of nerve endings and very sensitive. To make this work, give this area some good touching or stroking. Make sure you’re well relaxed, as this will help you find your rhythm and spill that akamu.

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    Sex toys

    Vibrators are mostly marketed to women, but if you’re open to exploring sex toys as a man, there’s good action to be enjoyed. Grab a male vibrator, wear it around your phallus and let it do its job. Word on the street is that those vibrations feel really good.

    Edging 

    Whether you’re beating your meat or using any of the methods on this list, edging will help you intensify the experience. Simply bring yourself close to climax and stop just before you spill your seed. Repeat the process for as long as you can. The idea is to prolong the experience and intensify the eventual orgasm.

    READ NEXT: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Discovering Masturbation

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • 6 Women on Getting Aired After Taking Sexual Boosters for Their Partners 
    6 Women on Getting Aired After Taking Sexual Boosters for Their Partners 

    I was mindlessly scrolling through X when I came across a tweet that stopped me dead in my tracks. Here’s the gist: Home girl was stood up after taking some aphrodisiac in preparation for some genital slamming. 

    That was a first for me and several other X users who’d mostly associated this experience with men. I knew what I had to do, so here are some stories from women who can relate.

    Patience*, 40

    My libido dipped after my first child, and I got worried because I like sex. I told my mother-in-law, so she gave me this disgusting mix of okra water. I took it for a week and started feeling like my old self again. Unfortunately, my husband started coming up with excuses to avoid sex. He’d sleep in a different room, say he was too tired or even return late. Meanwhile, I was still taking the mixture, hoping to get some action. It took me asking what was happening before he said he’d been scared to have sex with me since I had a vaginal tear during childbirth. 

    Hauwa*, 39

    I didn’t go all the way with my husband before we married. We cuddled, kissed, and that was it. After marriage, I realised I had trouble getting sexually aroused. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested aphrodisiacs from an Instagram kayan mata seller. I knew my husband enjoyed making out on Fridays as part of his “easing into the weekend” ritual, so I waited to take the aphrodisiac one Friday evening around the time he returned from work. He rushed into the bathroom and said he had to attend a friend’s surprise birthday party and he’d be back soon. I was already feeling funny and wanted to pull him into the bedroom. But I thought I could wait it out till he got back. He called two hours later and said I should lock the doors as he’d be home late. I’d never felt so stupid and betrayed. I cried to bed that night and kept to myself for the rest of the week. 

    Derin*, 33

    At some point when I was dating my ex, I hadn’t seen him for up to nine months because we stayed in different states. When we finally decided to meet, I had to travel to Lagos. Before I left Ekiti, I used all the usables for sex — yoghurt and pineapple, pussy sweetener, Parlodel — because I really needed some action. This guy didn’t come home for three days and stopped answering my calls. I was alone in his house until I just packed my bags and left. That was the day I resolved to get a toy.

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    Jumoke*, 28

    Curiosity made me try out one of these natural sex health tips people share on Twitter. I had to blend dates, yoghurt and pineapple into a smoothie and drink. I didn’t notice anything on my first and second try, but I kept seeing people give testimonies, so I tried it one last time when my boyfriend was spending the weekend at mine. This time, it worked. I was horny and dripping wet, and immediately my he got to my house, we had a quickie. It was so intense he kept asking if I took anything, and I denied it. After he went out the next day, I made a fresh blend and took it in anticipation. That’s how he called, saying he couldn’t come back because something had come up at his mum’s. I played it cool since he didn’t know what I had in mind.

    Kemi*, 27

    My boyfriend always complains that I never initiate sex or make the next move. Truth is, I’m not so big on sex and could go months without it. But it became an issue between us, so I tried to spice things up. I told a friend about it, and she gave me Spanish fly. I took a drop, but it made all the difference, and I was fired up at night. When I tried to touch Uncle at night, he started forming he’s tired and not in the mood. I ended up touching myself because my vagina kept pulsating. That was the last time I initiated anything. 

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    Ada*,25

    I had this crush in uni. We’d always flirt with each other while chatting. Soon, we started sexting, and I gave him the idea that I was a pro in bed. Truth is, I’m a one-minute girl, so when a guy takes too long, I lose interest. When we decided to meet, I wasn’t sure sex would happen, but I wanted to be prepared anyway, so I could live up to my sexting persona. I’d read somewhere that white wine does the trick. It worked because I was mad horny. I called this guy when it seemed he was running late, but he didn’t pick up. Texted, and he read with no response. This continued until it became clear he wouldn’t show up. I just finished the rest of my wine and went to sleep. 

    Read next: 7 Nigerian Men Share How Sex Was Different Than They Imagined

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • “Condoms Didn’t Protect Me From Getting Herpes” — 6 Nigerians on Their Experience With STDs

    While more Nigerians are willing to talk about sexual health in recent days, it’s still a topic shrouded in secrecy and judgment. We still live in a world where people are scared of buying condoms, so it’s not obvious they’re “doing it”.

    In a bid to throw more light on the importance of sexual health, six Nigerians talk about their experience with sexually transmitted diseases and how they managed it.

    Image designed by Freepik

    “Condoms didn’t protect me from getting herpes” — Jane*, 27

    I don’t think people talk enough about how STDs and STIs can be gotten even without penetrative sex. I religiously use condoms, but I noticed painful sores close to my vagina about a year ago. I did a couple of tests, and it turned out to be herpes. That’s when I learnt you can also get it by kissing an infected person or via oral sex. It’s incurable, but I manage it with medication to prevent an outbreak — which means a reappearance of symptoms like sores. 

    “I didn’t even know I had one” — Dave*, 31

    I use condoms with sexual partners but not in serious relationships. I also did an HIV test once in 2019, and it was negative, so I thought all was fine. It wasn’t until 2021, when I had to do medicals for travel, that I realised I had an STD. I didn’t even know I had one — there were no symptoms. Thankfully, it was treatable, so it’s long gone.

    “I thought it was just a vaginal infection” — Lola*, 22

    I’ve had at least three yeast infections since I was a teenager. So when I noticed some foul-smelling discharge two years ago, I thought it was just a simple infection. I tried to treat it with over-the-counter medication used to treat yeast, but it got worse and progressed to random bleeding. I didn’t want to visit a hospital near where I lived to prevent gossip, so I waited until I returned to school to do a test. It was an STD. I started treatment and informed my now-ex-boyfriend — we broke up because we kept accusing each other of infecting the other.

    “I think it’ll come back” — Mike*, 29

    I first tested positive for gonorrhoea in 2017 after I noticed severe pain in my genitals. The nurse said it was treatable, and I was prescribed a ton of medication. Even though the symptoms subsided, I still felt pain, so I took another test two months later out of curiousity. I still had gonorrhoea. I treated it again and finally stopped having symptoms, but a part of me still thinks it’ll come back. I haven’t tested for it again.

    “I think I got it through a sex toy” — Rachel*, 20

    I got an STD last year, and I think I got it through a sex toy. I have a roommate, and she has a couple of sex toys. One day, I was really horny, and I used one of hers without her knowledge. I cleaned it after, though.

    A couple of weeks later, I started having pelvic pain and discharge, and Google told me it might be an STD. I got a home test kit, which confirmed my suspicion. I think it was the toy because I wasn’t sexually active at the time, and sources online confirm that STDs can be transmitted via sex toys, too. I treated it but didn’t tell my roommate. How would I say I used her sex toy?

    “I’m not sure how I got it” — Jem*, 26

    I found out I had an STD in 2021 when my partner insisted we got tested before becoming exclusive. It’s not treatable, and I’m not sure how I got it because I practice safe sex most of the time. I’m glad I know now because I now pay more attention to my health. I’m still with my partner, and we practice safe sex all the time.

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    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    ALSO READ: 3 Things Sexually Active People Should Never Take For Granted

    Tife Oni

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  • QUIZ: Which 2023 Song Best Describes Your Sex Life?

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Why Do People Use These 8 Weird Things as Contraceptives?

    We see a lot of hilarious things every day, from stolen penises to dancing senators. But one that cracks us up every time are the tricks women have devised in attempts to prevent pregnancy. Even though know they’re mostly just vibes, we’ll still talk about them

    Antibiotics

    This one sounds strange but we’ve heard it a few times. Word in some circles is that it “flushes” semen. Wouldn’t life be so simple if that were true? So many of Nigeria’s problems today could be easily flushed out — no names called. But it doesn’t work like that, please. Pregnancy is not typhoid.

    weird things as contraceptives

    Agbo jedi jedi

    The confusion you felt when you saw that, we felt it too when we learnt about this format. We need someone to explain the connection between agbo jedi jedi and pregnancy to us because it looks like we all failed biology in school.

    weird things as contraceptives

    Walking up the stairs

    People who use this method are OGs. We respect their knowledge of physics. Letting gravity do the work for you is a thing of brilliance.

    Peeing immediately after sex

    When you really think about it, this thing is like “2 + 2 = Jollof rice” because we all know you’re dealing with the wrong hole here.

    weird things as contraceptives

    RELATED: The Spiritual Implications Of Using Contraceptives According To This Insane Book

    Lemon water after sex

    Very soon, you people will come and say you don’t believe in jazz. What’s this one, please?

    weird things as contraceptives

    Champagne

    You clearly enjoyed what you just finished doing and are now toasting to a job well done. Because why you’ll think Champagne qualifies as contraception is beyond all of us.  Boya, deep down, you want twins and you’re just lying to everybody?

    weird things as contraceptives

    7Up and Garri

    This is what you get when Sapa takes a human form and decides to pursue a career in pharmacy.

    Actual contraceptives

    These ones have seen the real price of Cerelac and are not taking any chances. Y’all be fighting to stay safe with your 7Up and garri, but these ones will stick to proven birth control methods. We salute the wisdom.

    NEXT READ: PSA: There Are a Ton Of Contraceptive Options Asides Condoms

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Sex Life: I’ve Never Had an Orgasm That Wasn’t Self Given

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old lesbian who finds it difficult to orgasm with partners. She talks about only ever having orgasms she gives herself and having sex for intimacy. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    One day, my 14-year-old self was taking a shower. And I touched something that felt good. When I went back to my room, I decided to find out what the feeling was. After lights out, I touched myself till I had an orgasm. It felt really good, and it became something I did frequently. Whenever I got the chance, I masturbated. 

    My first sexual experience with someone else wasn’t until a year later. There was this girl in the room beside mine. We’d become very close within our first few weeks of talking, and had progressed from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, to cuddling each other through the night. 

    One night, she woke me up because she wanted to talk. After a while of staring at me as I spoke, she kissed me. It was a kind kiss, like she was testing the waters. It felt nice. 

    Did it progress past that? 

    No, it didn’t. But after a while, the kisses were very heavy. I wanted to have sex with her, but there were people around and she was hesitant. I walked her back to her room, and she kissed me again. 

    The entirety of my relationship with her constituted of stolen kisses. Then when the school term was over, I transferred to another school and that put an end to it. 

    In the new school, there was this girl I really liked. When I told the new friends I’d made in my all girls’ school, they tried to set us up. It worked, and the girl and I started dating. So even though I’d tried to suppress how I viewed women, because a friend of mine said it was wrong, it didn’t last. 

    Hooking up with her wasn’t anything special. She had long fingers, but it felt like she didn’t know what she was doing. It wasn’t really a comfortable experience. The kisses were nice though because I liked her, but her lips were always cold. We parted ways after she started being abusive toward me. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    I’m so sorry about that

    It’s okay. She kept trying to put me down and dictate who I spoke to. Then she’d come to beg me with money or ridiculous gifts. 

    The relationship ended just as my secondary school experience was ending. When I got into university, I met a guy, and we started dating. The first time we hooked up was in his mum’s shop. She was gone for some business, and he had to man the shop. I came over to keep him company, but we ended up going into the inner room to have sex.

    How was it? 

    Well, for one, it really helped reinforce the fact that I was a lesbian. I wasn’t interested in his orgasm, and I knew it would not be possible for me to have one anyways. 

    But we dated for about a year and some months. 

    Why did you stay if you were a lesbian?

    I was battling some religious guilt. I’d gotten more involved in religion at the time, and lesbianism seemed like a much worse sin than regular fornication.

    And now? 

    I’m a lesbian with my full chest. The only problem is I’m a lesbian who isn’t having any orgasms that aren’t self-given. 

    How come? 

    I don’t know. After I broke up with the guy, I got involved with two more women. I loved having sex with them, but it was never enough to get me to orgasm. Luckily for me, I wasn’t into sex for the orgasms. 

    What were you in it for? 

    The intimacy. I’ve been a lonely person for as long as I can remember. The only times I’ve felt a sliver of the kind of intimacy I read about in books, was when I was having sex. The eye contact, the way they speak to me and hold me makes me feel wanted. That’s all I needed from sex. If I want to have an orgasm, I can do it myself. 

    However, it made me feel really bad. Like there was something wrong with me that made it impossible for a partner to give me an orgasm, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I didn’t like knowing a woman I liked might also never fully enjoy sex if her enjoyment relied on making her partner have an orgasm. 

    Do you think there was something they weren’t doing right? 

    No, actually. I just feel like it’s my cross to bear. I enjoy sex, but sex with another person might never give me an orgasm. 

    I do know, however, that when I went on medication for my depression in 2020, having an orgasm by myself became even more difficult. It’s like the medication killed whatever I had left of a sex drive. I couldn’t even masturbate because I felt so dry. It was so bad, I thought I was asexual. But then the doctors switched up my medication and orgasms became attainable and enjoyable again. Still, I haven’t tried sex with another person for a whole year. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Chase Orgasms But Medication Makes It Hard

    Why? 

    Well, since intimacy is what I really look forward to when it comes to sex, I can’t hook up with someone I don’t have romantic feelings for. And after my last relationship ended, I haven’t been able to fall in love with anyone. 

    Sure, I’ve bought a vibrator to keep me company, but that takes away whatever form of intimacy I could have gotten from masturbating. I’m not even touching myself. There’s a machine doing the work. 

    How’d you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

    A -2. I feel like a burden to everyone I’ve had sex with. I just wish I was normal and could get both intimacy and orgasms from sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Really Like Butt Stuff

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who loves butts. She talks to me about how a woman eating her ass started her obsession with anal pleasure. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    A few months after I clocked 18, I decided to have sex for the first time. Almost all my friends were having sex, and although they never tried to pressure me, I was curious. I wanted to see what it was like and get the whole hymen-tearing process over with. I introduced the idea to my then-boyfriend, who was excited, so we set a date to make it happen. 

    The day I had sex, he was more nervous than I. I knew I might not enjoy it, but I wanted to just start so we could proceed to have enjoyable sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27

    How did it turn out? 

    My expectations were really low, but it wasn’t that bad. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought, and when he put it in and started to move his hips, I actually heard a pop sound. It made me laugh a bit because I finally “popped” my cherry. 

    My boyfriend wasn’t as inexperienced as me, so he guided me through many things, like how to move and at what speed. It was nice, and I won’t say it was a bad experience. It just could’ve been better. 

    What would’ve made it better?

    Well, he could’ve cared more about my pleasure than he did. Since he was the more experienced one, he told me things to do that made him feel good. Some of it wasn’t fun, but I did it anyway. He didn’t even try to eat me out. We had sex about four times, he came, and I didn’t. So, I may’ve had sex, but I didn’t have an orgasm. 

    Did you eventually have an orgasm? 

    Yes, but not with him. On my journey to understanding my body more, I decided to try masturbating. A friend of mine had mentioned how her sex life improved when she tried it, so I decided to give it a go. Before then, the closest I’d had to an orgasm was the slight relief I felt when I squeezed my thighs really hard. 

    So I read an erotic book to get horny. Nobody was home when I decided to try it out. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I remember my friend telling me I should just touch everywhere and I’d figure out a rhythm on my own. I did. 

    When the orgasm came, I felt like I had a heart attack, but the good kind. I stopped breathing for a bit, and I started to shake uncontrollably. When it subsided, I fell asleep. I woke up deciding to never settle for mediocre sex again. Orgasms felt great, and I wanted to have them as often as possible. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day

    How did you plan on achieving that? 

    By having as much sex as possible. I mean, touching myself was nice, but it was also limited. I tried to introduce certain concepts to my boyfriend, like getting him to eat me out, but he said it wasn’t and would never really be his thing. He did try to finger me, but I didn’t enjoy that as much. 

    After a couple of months of having not-so-great sex with my boyfriend, we broke up. Then at 19, I decided to use my newfound freedom to explore what I’d actually like, so I started sleeping with many people. Most of them were my friends who had shown interest in me before I got with my boyfriend. 

    They told me it felt like an animal had been let loose in me. I had four men I slept with consistently over a period of time. So although I was having a lot of good sex, it was with only these four men. That was the state of my life for about a year and some months, then I slept with a woman for the first time. 

    Your Sex Life subject could be LGBTQ… 

    LMAO. But yes. At that point, my roster of men had reduced to just two because two of them had found girlfriends, and I was not interested in being the side chick. While I was hanging out with one of the men, he told me about how his female friend thought I was very beautiful, and if I was open to having her join us. 

    I’d never had sex with a woman, but the idea did appeal to me, and 21 was as good an age as any to start. But I told him that before she joins us, I had to have sex with her 1-on-1 to see if there’d be chemistry. She was so beautiful. When he sent me her pictures, at first, I couldn’t believe she thought I was attractive enough to sleep with. 

    The day we linked up, I found myself actually trying to put in an effort because I wanted to impress her. She was really sweet to me but also a little awkward, so I didn’t know what to expect. We talked a bit and drank some alcohol, and then, she asked to kiss me. It automatically became the best first kiss I’d ever had. 

    When we started taking our clothes off, she insisted on eating me out, and I realised why. It was because she was great at it. She momentarily shut down my ability to think and was actually the first person to ever ask to eat me out. She also talked a lot, and I realised I liked hearing the sound of another person’s voice during sex. I came at least twice before she asked me to flip over and she went back to eating me out as I lay arched on my stomach. 

    After a while, she mentioned she wanted to try something with my ass. I had never tried anything there other than a finger, but what she was doing was so good, I trusted her with my care. That’s when I felt her tongue in my bum. Everything felt so good at once that I thought God was going to come down and collect me. Luckily, He didn’t. 

    By the time my orgasm subsided, I couldn’t go on any more. I needed to catch my breath because of how strong it was. Plus, I hadn’t done anything to her so I felt bad. But when I moved to touch her, she told me I didn’t have to, and I should just rest. 

    The threesome with the man never happened because I was too involved in having sex with her. She introduced me to a lot of butt stuff. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to Be Touched During Sex

    Poor guy. But tell me about the butt stuff 

    While I was experimenting with different things for vaginal and oral orgasms, I never thought an anal one was possible. It just felt too dirty to attempt. Then I thought of how almost every sexual practice can seem dirty to whoever isn’t interested in it. I was on a purely hedonistic journey; my goal was to enjoy all of life’s pleasures wholly and fully. 

    She was also so patient and kind in explaining all of it to me. She was the first person I tried anal with, and I didn’t know there was a lot of prep that goes into it. I thought all you needed was lube and prayer, but we prepped me for anal over a period of 2-4 days using butt plugs, oils and lube. When I eventually tried it? It felt so amazing. 

    She really rocked my world, and I had a lot of firsts with her, but one thing I really liked was when she did anything with my bum. Spanking it, touching it, penetrating, eating? It was great. We exclusively slept together for some months before we called it off. She fell in love with me, and I wasn’t about that relationship life anymore. I just wanted to have sex. 

    She was out of the picture. What then? 

    Well, I met some other people, but they weren’t as interested in my ass as she was. I was having enjoyable sex, but I knew it could be better. 

    Then I met a man at a party, we went back to his place and did the usual. I stayed the night and he offered to bathe me. After we had our shower, we had sex again, and I decided to try eating ass for the first time. I brought it up to him and he seemed down for it. So, I did it. 

    I didn’t know if I was doing it well, but he looked like he was enjoying himself so much. After he came, I asked him if he liked it. He did. We talked about it, and he told me about his fascination with what he considered the male g-spot. He said women thought he was gay when he brought it up, so he didn’t bother. With him, I was introduced to more things I could do with butts. I was ecstatic. 

    Sounds buttiful. Tell me about them

    Well, he let me peg him one day. My first time wasn’t so great because I’d actually never used a strap-on with anyone, but he taught me how to thrust and keep up the rhythm. One day, I gave him his first orgasm with a strap-on, and I felt like I’d unlocked a dangerous power. 

    Level up

    LMAO. Exactly. The guy and I still see each other occasionally to have sex, and he lets me wear my strap-on sometimes. I enjoy a lot of things during sex, but there’s nothing I enjoy as much as having my butthole stimulated. It could be with fingers, mouth, dildos or penises.

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Own Six Sex Toys and I Want More

    Does it get hard finding people who like it as much as you do? 

    Yeah, I mean, Nigerians aren’t the most adventurous people. A lot of people draw the line at eating ass and having their ass ate. Not so fun for me since it’s my favourite thing to do. 

    That’s why when I find someone who’s interested, I try to hold them tight. I talk to them about it, talk them through it and try to make it as pleasurable for both of us as possible. 

    Do you think more people should give anal activities a try? 

    Absolutely! They shouldn’t cross it out completely. But my advice is don’t try it with just any Nigerian man. 

    I tried to bring it up with a guy once. When he pulled down his boxers, and I got close to his ass, I was repulsed. Chai. Some people are one-kind. I advise you only do it with people whose hygiene you’re sure of, people you trust. When I initiate butt stuff most times, I always make sure we’ve both had a good shower to scrub everywhere scrubbable before we get into it. Some people find it insulting when I insist they have a bath, but that’s their business. 

    How would you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

    9.5. I’m having a really great time with my five sexual partners. Even the ones who don’t want to have anything to do with asses. My orgasms are frequent, and my skin is glowing. What more can I ask for?

     RELATED: Sex Life: Sex With My Partners Got Better in My 30’s

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Own 6 Sex Toys, and I Want More

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who owns half a dozen sex toys and wants more. She talks about her sex toy curiosity, the trial and errors before she found the perfect ones and how she navigates sex with people. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I’d always known I was queer ever since I was a little child. When everyone did all the variations of “mummy and daddy” play, mine was always with a girl. That’s why it made sense my first time was with a girl. 

    I was 14, and she was someone I’d had a crush on in secondary school. A few weeks after we graduated, she invited me over to her house when no one was home. After a while, we kissed, and she went to lock the doors so nobody could come in. 

    I was new to sexual activities, so I wasn’t comfortable with anything being done to me. Since she was more knowledgeable, she took off her clothes and guided me on what to do. It was really nice just pleasuring her. And after that was done, we went to the bathroom and made out. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to be Touched During Sex

    First sexual experience down, what was next? 

    Well, university. Growing up, I stayed home a lot, so being in university was like letting loose. I was very open about my sexuality, so I didn’t lack women to sleep with, but they were usually in serious relationships with their boyfriends or even engaged. Did it bother me? No. It was still great. 

    They would talk about how great sex with me was, and it helped me try to do better. I really enjoyed making sure people had a good time with me. I was young and having sex with all sorts of people. Maybe that’s why I even tried to sleep with men. 

    LMAO. How did that go? 

    It can’t happen. It’s like trying to make two like sides of a magnet attract each other. Sure, I find specific type of men really beautiful because, I mean, I’m queer not blind. But I just couldn’t do it.

    Even if it’s possible for any reason to find intimacy with men outside the platonic, I can’t morph it into sex or anything serious. So, I’m sticking to having sex with women. Then when I was 19, I decided to buy my very first sex toy. 

    Why did you decide to buy one? 

    Well, for as long as I can remember, I’d always wanted one. I would read reviews online from women talking about how sex toys changed their lives, and I wanted to feel what they were feeling. So I bought my very first bullet vibrator. 

    I won’t lie, it wasn’t so great. The vibrations were too strong and it stopped working after a few days, so I gave up on my sex toy journey. But then, two years later, my birthday was around the corner and my friend had asked me what I wanted. I told her a rabbit vibrator. I thought it looked pretty. 

    New vibrator, new you? 

    At all. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like penetration as much, so why did I go ahead and get a fat toy bigger than three fingers to move its head inside me!?!?! 

    Lucking out twice with sex toys made me think people were lying about these things on the internet. 

    While I was still figuring out what to do with the rabbit, I tried the clitoral part of it and that felt nice. So I started doing research on sex toys that offered clitoral stimulation. 

    Did you eventually find one that works? 

    Yes, with the help of one of my coworkers at the time. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she told me how she got her first wand and how pleasure almost killed her. So she bought one for me. 

    Best in coworker tbh. What was it like when you tried it? 

    I showered first, put on some candles, played some music, then started exploring different parts of my body and the wand’s different modes. I came so much, I started crying. I looked at the toy and kept going “God, abeg”. Honestly, I thought it was trying to take me to see my maker. Never in my life had I had orgasms so intense. I knew I’d found the perfect toy, and it turned me into a sex toy enthusiast. 

    I was preaching the gospel of sex toys to everyone and even bought for some people. The most important thing was it felt so good, I kept buying more. 

    How many do you have now? 

    I have two wands, one clit sucker that might one day kill me, a remote-controlled dolphin-shaped vibrator, a finger vibrator and a butt plug. So, I have six, but I want more. 

    Sex toys have really helped me connect with myself to find more places I could touch to evoke things. Every time I think my body is used to one thing, I get a new sex toy, and it’s like, “Surprise! Here’s something you didn’t know your body could do”. 

    The end goal is to have at least a dozen and keep them in a little room. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Sex Toy Are You?

    And what about sex with other people? 

    That’s still great. Sometimes, I introduce toys to my partners; other times, I don’t. The first time I tried it, I was 22 and was boasting about how the sex toy would make her see heaven. She not only saw heaven but brought the rains of heaven all over my body and sheets. It was amazing to watch. 

    A lot of people think once you start using sex toys a lot, you can’t have sex with other people, and that’s just not true. Yes, my toys are great, but sometimes, you crave physical connection. A clit sucker doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how great it is to have a real tongue. In fact, sometimes, I forget I have the toys. Then when I’m feeling it, I use them.

    Human connection and sex toys can coexist, and it won’t ruin your life. You’d have the best of both worlds. 

    Interesting. Anything else you’ve learnt from using all those sex toys? 

    Well, for one, just because a sex toy made your friend orgasm till they couldn’t walk doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. People’s bodies are different, which means they react to sex toys differently. 

    Also, even if wands are your go-to sex toy, it doesn’t mean every wand will work well. They’re made by different companies with different speeds, modes and other things. There might be some trial and error, but if you know the kind of pleasure you’re looking for, you’d figure it out. 

    What’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

    An 8.9. I’m having pretty great sex. Now when I consider trying a new sex toy, it could be for myself or one I want to try with someone else. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, I dump it and try another one. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Didn’t Know Women Could Orgasm tIll I Was 22

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old man who’s spent most of his sexual life making up for not knowing women could have orgasms. He talks to us about researching how to be a better partner and how he thinks he’s all sexed out.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was kind of a church boy, so I never did anything more than kiss here and there, but that changed one day. 

    When I was 17 years old and in 100 level, I had a girlfriend. One night, she came to my room and we started kissing; she wanted to have sex. I tried to play it cool, but since I thought girls had their sexual organs in the same place as guys, I was humping the vulva excitedly. When she guided my penis into her vagina, I lost it. I didn’t last for up to a minute and came shaking all the way. 

    I had mixed feelings because I felt I didn’t do too well but was also happy I‘d just bust my first nut. I realised I had to step up my sex game either way. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27

    LMAO. How did you plan on doing that? 

    Well, I did a little research. I read a book that taught me how to pleasure a woman’s body. I also watched a lot of porn to know how to have oral sex, what sexual positions to try and to help me masturbate so I could control my body more. 

    The first time I tried to masturbate, I was watching porn. While they were getting at it, my dick was hard and I started stroking it. It was a bit painful, so I went to get soap on my hands and it felt really good. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex

    And sex? 

    I went abstinent for a year till I’d figured it out, and it helped that my girlfriend and I had broken up during this period. I was able to fully stay away from sex.  

    A few months after I’d clocked 18, I had another girlfriend. This time, I was ready to put into practice all I’d learnt. Before our first time together, I’d masturbated to remove the anxiety so I won’t cum too quickly. 

    When she came over, I made sure there was a lot of foreplay. I kissed and touched her in all her erogenous zones and gave her head. She was ecstatic, and I was feeling like a man. I could see a bit of satisfaction in her eyes. I also lasted longer than the last time, but I still felt I hadn’t done enough. 

    Ah. Why? 

    Because at that time, I didn’t know women could have orgasms. All the research I did about having better sex was just so I could last longer and feel better about myself. It was very selfish. I thought after I came, the party was over. It wasn’t until I met another woman during my service year that my perspective changed. 

    How?

    We met at my PPA and went to a party together. She moved to me and we went back to my place. She was very communicative about what she wanted and how she wanted it. That’s when I realised it was something I’d lacked in my previous sexual encounters. I didn’t ask questions, and they didn’t talk to me. 

    Having sex with her that day, at the ripe old age of 22, was when I made a woman orgasm for the first time, and something shifted in me. I realised you have to make your woman feel good because when it comes to sex, she’s the priority. And communication is very important. 

    How did you know she actually had an orgasm? 

    She was clawing at my back and shouting “I’m cumming, babe”. I think that covers it. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day

    Fairs. How was sex like after this discovery? 

    We had sex every day. 

    Were you not tired? Hungry? Employed? 

    LMAO. I was, but we kept trying out so many new things. We’d role play, try new positions and just find new ways to have sex. It was wild and fun. She even tried to peg me, but it hurt and we didn’t try it again. 

    I wanted to marry her, so we had to get genotype testing. Unfortunately, that’s when we both discovered we were AS, and we had to end the beautiful relationship. 

    I’m so sorry

    Thank you. I mean, we cut our losses and moved on. 

    I was ready to put all the new information I’d gathered to use. And getting women wasn’t difficult for me because I knew how to talk to them, but I couldn’t have sex with women I wasn’t emotionally invested in. It means we’d both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about the things we’d like to do. 

    It was fun and interesting for a while, but I think I’ve gotten to the point where my sex life has dwindled. At this point, there are only three things I haven’t done. An orgy, a threesome and sex with a foreigner. So, there’s nothing about sex I find exciting anymore. 

    I’m just trying to find someone I like very much so I can settle down. My goal was to make up for all the women I had sex with and didn’t give orgasms, and I’ve done that. 

    Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

    7. I’ve had great sex up until this moment, and I want to just lock down my person. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old virgin. She talks about how she’s only been kissed twice, her inability to orgasm when she masturbates and waiting till marriage to have sex. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me something interesting about your sex life

    When I was 12 years old, we had a jumat session in school that centered around chastity and modesty for Muslims. After the session, I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. 

    So, you’ve never done anything sexual since then?   

    Not really. When I was 13 years old, I masturbated for the first time. I was the only one at home because it was during those long JS 3 holidays. I enjoyed reading erotica and historical romance books with very descriptive sex scenes in them. I was reading one of such books when I found myself rubbing and grinding against the pillow. Since it was one of the rare moments I had the entire house to myself, I went at it for a bit. I like to consider it as the day I discovered what my vagina could do. Before then, I’d only considered it for sex and reproduction; discovering orgasms was very nice. 

    Did masturbation become a regular thing? 

    Not at all. When I resumed school, I didn’t even try it again. In university, I neither had the privacy nor time to dwell on sexual attraction not to talk of masturbating. I was trying to focus in school plus I had to share accommodation. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction

    Damn 

    When I was 18, I kissed a guy for the first time. I’d met him during night class and, according to him, as I was talking animatedly with my friends, he got mesmerised. I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. The only reason I agreed to even date him was because it seemed like the next step for me. I was in my first year, and all my friends had boyfriends. 

    So, back to that kiss 

    The night I agreed to date him, he kissed me while we sat in his friend’s car. He kept biting at my lips, and I couldn’t reciprocate whatever it was he was doing because I wasn’t feeling him at all. My body was refusing to respond. I just kept waiting for the kiss to end. 

    Bad first kisses<<<< Did you try kissing again after that? 

    Yes, I did. When I was 20, I met another boy. I saw him and instantly liked him. It was easy for me to agree to date him. We were on holiday when the relationship started, so most of it was over the phone. As the conversation progressed, I wasn’t sure I fucked with him, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because we hadn’t seen each other properly. I also remembered how quickly I ended things with the last guy. 

    When we did eventually resume school as a couple, I realised as much as I liked him, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. We hung out a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me. Unlike the last guy I kissed, I tried to put in a lot of action, but I still didn’t enjoy the kiss. I endured the relationship for another few weeks before ending it. 

    Honestly, the most I’ve ever done with a guy is sext, and even that was hard because not only was it something I’d never done before, I was sharing a room with my cousin. I tried my best, and I hope all my years of reading romance novels didn’t waste. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    Does the whole waiting till marriage thing get hard? 

    Very. At first, it wasn’t so difficult, but then, I clocked 25 and my sexual urges doubled. I started thinking about sex so much. If you could peep into my brain, 90% of the thoughts are about sex. My body just wants to have sex. That’s when period, ovulation and just regular horniness started. So, I decided to try masturbating again. 

    How did that go? 

    Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to recreate the orgasm from the first time when I was 13. The most I get is a mild tingling sensation in my legs. Maybe that’s why I don’t do it more than two or three times a year. I’ve thought of trying toys, but I live with my mum and there’s no privacy in that house. No matter where I hide it, it’ll be found and I’d get into trouble. 

    Omo, till marriage then fr 

    I’m kinda resolved about that decision. I’m certain except something completely out of my control happens, I won’t have sex outside of marriage. I’ve already done 27 years, what’s a little more? This is me assuming I’ll be married in a few years. Maybe we should do an update if I’m still unmarried at 40. My choices might’ve changed. But, for now? I’m holding up by reading romance novels, watching rom-coms and navigating the pornsite that’s Twitter. 

    LMAO. I’ll hit you up in 13 years. But I also want to know why you are holding on to a decision you made when you were 12?  

    The first thing for me is my religion. I’m not perfect, but Allah doesn’t need my perfection; he needs my effort. I’m not even supposed to kiss, make out, etc. I’ve clearly failed in the foreplay part, and I can’t even hit my chest and say if I find someone now, I won’t kiss or touch them. But that’s also why dating go on for too long, so you don’t fall into temptation. 

    Asides from religion, I’m not a casual-sex type of person. It’s the reason why I haven’t been able to lockdown any relationship long term. I don’t see myself popping the cherry randomly, and at this stage of my life, I’m out to meet people who are also waiting till marriage. In fact, one of my greatest fantasies is marrying a virgin so we get to learn about sex and each other’s bodies from scratch — two novices trying to hack sex no matter how long it takes. 

    Interesting. Humour me and rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

    LMAO. A -10. I’m not having any sex, but I’m constantly horny. It makes me frustrated. 

    Click here if you want to interviewed for Sex Life

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • QUIZ: Do You Really Know Your Partner’s Sexuality?

    Are you dating someone who doesn’t really fancy your kind? Or are you confident that your partner definitely swings your way? Take this quiz and find out.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old man battling a masturbation addiction. He talks about his journey from hating masturbation to doing it multiple times a day, discovering he had premature ejaculation and breaking his addiction. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could’ve caught us. 

    Did you like it? 

    Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I’d like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin. 

    But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience. It didn’t last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn’t until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem. 

    RELATED: Sex LIfe: I Do Push-ups to Get Rid of Erections

    What happened? 

    Well, she wasn’t interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn’t even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me. 

    I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it’s about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation. 

    Why did you hate masturbation?

    I attended a boys’ only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating. 

    I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation. 

    From hating to addiction. How did that happen? 

    Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I’d masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn. 

    At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn’t do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did. 

    I’m so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation? 

    Unfortunately, it didn’t.  The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That’s how erectile dysfunction came in. 

    That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It’s embarrassing. I think there’s no lady I’ve had sex with that’ll want to try it again. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Use Sex Enhancers Even When I Don’t Need Them

    How do you know that? 

    They never say anything after it happens. It’s like they feel some shame. I’d have loved a conversation, but I don’t think many women think it’s something to talk about. 

    So you’ve never had good sex? 

    The closest thing I’ve had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual. 

    Why’d you thought so? 

    Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I’ve known her longer? I don’t know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don’t work. That’s what led me to see a doctor. 

    How did that go? 

    Well, it’s actually two doctors I’m seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we’d see how it goes from there. I’ve been abstinent for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without masturbating. 

    What do you hope to gain from this process? 

    To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction. 

    Any regrets? 

    It might seem strange, but I don’t have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it’s all part of life. I believe that I’ve learnt a lesson that’ll be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them. 

    How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10

    LMAO. A -2

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    What was your first sexual experience like?

    When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together. 

    One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time. 

    What was it like? 

    I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood. 

    I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it. 

    So after the first time, did it become a regular thing? 

    Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex. 

    I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems. 

    So what did you do about not liking sex? 

    Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? 

    It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards. 

    For how long did this go on? 

    At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    Why did the routine stop? 

    Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people. 

    But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too. 

    Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex. 

    And? 

    I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person. 

    LMAO. What happened? 

    Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.

    But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different? 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Well, why was sex different? 

    It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.

    Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened. 

    I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. 

    Does that mean you never had sex again? 

    No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice. 

    Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it. 

    We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • QUIZ: Does Your Partner Love Spanking? Find Out!

    It can be confusing to know what your partner likes when it comes to sex, especially when they’re not very communicative. Have you ever wondered whether your partner secretly likes spanking? Take this quiz and find out.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Sex Life: Not Having Sex With Men Makes Me Feel Less Bisexual

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.

    We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like. 

    Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing. 

    How did you feel after? 

    Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.

    I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex

    Busy doing what? 

    Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with. 

    So what happened after sex with your best friend? 

    Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure. 

    Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot. 

    After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week. 

    Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex. 

    From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel? 

    Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually. 

    That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian. 

    Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left. 

    Lmao, she was interested? 

    Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself. 

    A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Put Uterus-Killing Dicks Behind Me in 2020

    How did that feel? 

    Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title. 

    Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted. 

    I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically. 

    A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms. 

    Then what? 

    A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked. 

    But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers. 

    We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.

    This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian. 

    Did you enjoy the sex? 

    It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before. 

    After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis. 

    What did you do? 

    What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: No Matter the Time or Place, Just Hot Fok

    Was it? 

    It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked. 

    However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live. 

    I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do. 

    I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman. 

    When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much? 

    It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than. 

    I hope you finally stop feeling less than

    Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not. 

    So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Prefer Not to be Touched During Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks to us about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she’s missed, how kissing has never felt right and learning she has better sex when she’s not being touched. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was 14 years old when I kissed a boy for the first time. He attended my church, and during the children’s vigil, we snuck into the bathroom and kissed. I didn’t know what to expect, but the kiss felt wet. It wasn’t magical or special. It just felt like someone’s mouth touched my own. On the other hand, he was smiling from ear to ear. I went along with it, but everything about it felt so wrong. 

    I thought it was because I didn’t know how kissing worked, so I kept kissing different boys. Every single time, I was met with disappointment. I knew it couldn’t have been them. There’s no single way every boy I kissed from when I was 14 till when I was 19 was terrible. I knew it was a me thing. I just didn’t know how. 

    What happened at 19? 

    That’s when I switched it up and kissed a woman for the first time. That day, I had gone out with a guy and had another disappointing kiss, so I was complaining to my roommate. I told her how this is something that’s been happening since I was 14 and that maybe I just couldn’t kiss right. She told me that maybe I needed to learn how to kiss properly. Then, she offered to teach me. I agreed and she kissed me. 

    The thing with kissing her is it, sure, it was a mouth touching mine and it was still wet, but the kiss felt different. I always knew my roommate was attractive; kissing her made me very aware of just how attractive she was. 

    When she pulled away, she told me I was probably overthinking it because I’m an amazing kisser. I’d like to think that kiss was what began my descent into discovering I was a lesbian. It’s just that it was a slow process. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating if It Was With a Woman

    Why was it a slow process? 

    Well, lesbianism isn’t something a lot of people talk about. I hear more about being a gay man than being a lesbian. Whenever women act in anaffectionate way towards each other, it’s always written off as women being women. But if a man so much as smiles at another man, the word “gay” is thrown around a lot. It’s not like I didn’t know lesbianism existed. It’s just that when I was considering my options, it didn’t come to mind. Add the fact that I dress very feminine, nobody was moving to me or throwing the L word around me. Very distressing times. 

    That’s why I didn’t try to kiss a woman again until two years after I kissed the first one. And just like the first time, it was a friend who wanted to help me out. After I narrated my problem to a friend of mine, she told me maybe I was going about it all wrong and promised to introduce me to someone who might help. Turns out the someone was a woman she knew. I was confused at first, but my friend explained that maybe I was just kissing the wrong gender. I remembered the kiss my former roommate and I shared and decided to see this through. The woman and I talked a lot that night. When she asked me to come back to her place, I agreed without a second thought. I had sex that night for the first time, and I am so glad I didn’t do it with a man. 

    How was it? 

    Well, I didn’t know anything I was doing because I had never gone past kissing men and giving them handjobs. But she was so patient with me, kind too. She asked me questions throughout. When there was blood and I panicked a bit, she just removed the sheets and gave me a bath. It was the softest experience I had ever had. I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to leave her house. 

    Before, I thought I was a prude who wouldn’t enjoy sex, but something woke up in me that day. I was unstoppable. I wanted her to teach me everything she knew and she was more than happy to indulge me. I think she found my curiosity sexy. When I was leaving her house after living there for a couple of days, I made a promise to myself that I’d never go back to doing anything sexual with men. That was also the day I called myself a lesbian for the first time. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Wow. Were you able to keep your promise? 

    Yes! The only problem was there was a bit of involuntary celibacy on my part. It was difficult to find women to talk to without putting yourself in danger. The woman I had sex with for the first time left Nigeria soon after. Turns out she only visited occasionally, and I was back in square one. 

    So, I started befriending the extremely “masculine” women who people actually threw the L word at. I was determined to fix my involuntary celibacy. 

    Did you? 

    Tough times never last, only tough people do! And I am a tough babe. I knew I had a lot to learn and by befriending these women, I learnt it and found community at the same time. With every new woman I slept with, it felt like I discovered something new about myself. At 23, I learnt I loved performing oral sex. That same year, I let someone use a strap-on with me for the first time, and I used one with someone else too. 

    I think after discovering I was a lesbian, I tried to fit everything I had missed into a couple of years of sleeping with different women. Once a partner wanted to try something, I was down with it. But after two years of sleeping with everyone and their mums, I found something I liked and stuck to it. 

    Tell me about it

    I linked up with a woman all my friends told me not to because she was a “pillow princess”. Apparently, she did none of the work and just wanted to be fucked until she couldn’t walk. I was curious. I had never actually met one of those before. I wanted to see what it was like. 

    When we linked up, she refused to touch me. I felt like I had to earn her approval and it was very sexy. Every single time she had an orgasm, I got more turned on, and I didn’t stop until she couldn’t move. When she finally kissed me and touched my breasts, I had my only orgasm of the day. But it didn’t feel like it was just one because it was so strong I had to take a breather. 

    When she got into a relationship, I started looking for women who could reciprocate that exact feeling with me, Before we’d have sex, I’d tell them not to touch me until they felt I had earned it. I found myself gravitating towards “pillow princesses”. A lot of them think I’m bluffing because they’re not used to feminine women who enjoy pleasing, but it makes it even more fun for me.

    It’s not like I don’t like being touched. I’d just rather not be. Knowing my partner’s having a great time is really all I need. If they tell me I didn’t earn their touch, I would go home and masturbated. 

    Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

    9. I wish I had figured it all out earlier. But now, I’ve done all my exploring and my girlfriend and I are having really great sex. She understands my need to not be touched, and it works perfectly for her.

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until her wedding night. She talks about how her relationship with God was why she waited till marriage, and how she married, to have sex.  

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was 12, I had this neighbour who was a year older than me. We grew up together, so I used to go to his house daily. On one of such days, he played a CD that turned out to be porn. We watched for a bit, and then started making out. It happened three to four times over the span of a couple of months. 

    Did it ever progress past kissing? 

    It never did. 

    Why? 

    I’m a very religious Christian and waiting till marriage is my service to God. I wasn’t saving myself for a man; I was just doing what God wanted me to do. 

    In fact, in my university, people were taking a “covenant of purity”, but I didn’t because I thought it was unnecessary. Most of the people who were taking the covenant weren’t even serious about it. After they took the covenant, you could see them getting hot and heavy in corners. For me, waiting till marriage was about honouring God, and I knew I didn’t need a covenant to do that. I waited for the right time, but it wasn’t easy. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    Tell me about it 

    I tried to date only Christians, but I realised not every Christian was interested in saving themselves till marriage. When I dated those men and made out with them, I felt a little guilty, but the guilt was never overwhelming. 

    My relationship with God is a very loving one, so I spoke to Him a lot about the temptations I felt. I reminded myself of Christ’s work for me and how the life I live actually belongs to Him. I learnt about Jesus from the point of a Father, not just as a Lord and Master, even though He is. 

    So, did you stick to it? 

    Yes, I did! The first time I had sex was on my wedding night at 27. It almost didn’t even happen because we were both exhausted. Before then, many of my friends who had already gotten married shared stories about their wedding night with me. Some said they couldn’t have sex until months after, and I said it would not be me. I refuse! 

    But the wedding day came, and there was so much going on, we were so exhausted. It was so bad that we couldn’t even stay more than 30 minutes at the after-party our friends organised for us. When we got to the hotel, we just had our baths and dozed off. That’s when one strange breeze blew, and we were awake. Next thing, we were having sex. 

    Just like that? What was the sex like? 

    The sex was amazing. It was a bit painful because it was my first time, but he was gentle and soft. It made the experience incredibly intimate. He asked questions and I guided him on what worked and what didn’t. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Husband Taught Me Everything I Know About Sex

    Was waiting with him easy? 

    Of course not. There was even a time I had to stop going to his house for three months because the temptation was choking us. Looking at each other and spending a lot of time together was making it harder. 

    However, it wasn’t as bad because we wanted the same things. Unlike me, he wasn’t a virgin, but he was celibate in his last relationship and wanted to wait with me in this one. We checked each other and knew when not to go too far and when not to be alone. 

    I like to joke that we got married so we could have sex. We were everything without the need for marriage. He was my companion and soulmate. The only thing missing was sex. That’s why after a year and ten months, we dragged ourselves to the altar.

    Love it. How’s the sex now? 

    I’m having so many orgasms. There’s something so special about having sex with someone you love, someone who always wants you to be satisfied. It’s magic. 

    Do you ever wish you didn’t wait? 

    Not at all! I’m a very emotional person, and sex can be very vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to share that part of myself with just anyone. 

    So, on a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your Sex Life? 

    One million. I’m having the time of my life. I’ve been having sex with the same person for four years, but it feels like magic each time. I love it. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later. 

    Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated. 

    Why do you think it was so bad? 

    He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    How did that journey go? 

    I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again. 

    I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it. 

    If the sex was so bad, why keep having it? 

    Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know. 

    My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Explain, please

    I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth. 

    There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing. 

    The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat. 

    That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.

    Did the blowjobs stop?

    No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.

    Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours. 

    I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right? 

    Yeah, definitely. How did that go? 

    I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out. 

    He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex. 

    How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    I was 15 years old when I kissed someone for the first time. She was the second girlfriend I had ever had, and on my way to her house, I googled how to make out. I was very nervous and didn’t want to mess up. There were some very detailed explanations on the internet, but I eventually realised that nobody is really good at stuff like that from the beginning. You have to ease into it. 

    As time went on, I graduated from kissing to dry humping, and it became a defining part of my teenage years. 

    Why dry humping? 

    At a certain point in my life, I was very religious. I believed sex wasn’t something you had with someone you weren’t married to. A lot of the people I knew felt the same way but tried anal sex instead. I wasn’t too comfortable with that. With dry humping, you get some sort of action without actually having sex. It was a middle ground. 

    So, you dry humped your way into having sex? 

    Not really. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 20. Like I said, I spent the majority of my teenage years dry humping, but I was about to graduate from university, and I didn’t want to graduate without having sex for the first time.

    That year, I met a woman who was four years older than me, and she was intrigued that I was 20 and had never had sex . She said she was going to introduce me to her friends and try to set me up, but I told her she was the one I wanted, and that’s how it happened. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    I thought you wanted to wait till you were married. What changed? 

    I was born into a religious home, so most of the zeal of my youth was channeled into being the best religious version of myself. Churches, and other people in my religious circle, always made waiting till marriage a big deal, so it was something I held on to. 

    Then puberty happened, and I started making negotiations with God. Sure, I wanted to wait, but my body had other plans. That’s where dry humping came in. There was so much guilt the first few times I did it, but as time went on and I kept at it, the guilt reduced. I took the same approach with sex. 

    I had grown into a person who approached life differently, and I wanted to know why I shouldn’t do the things they told me not to do. When I started having sex, it was fun. The person I was having sex with was also having fun, so why would I feel bad about it? 

    When I asked these questions, the responses always came from addressing sex as taboo and a thing of disgust. Sexually transferred demons was not a valid argument, and I didn’t vibe with that. It was a gradual process of having conversations with myself until, eventually, I got over it. 

    I tried to suppress how my body felt until I just stopped. There was no defining moment, no big “aha”. Just questions and thoughts. 

    Well, how was your first time? 

    It was a very good first time. I was really careful because I was taking my time and didn’t want to mess up. There was a point where I got really terrified. She was on top and kind of clamped on my penis. It felt great, and I was about to cum, but she said I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got scared. Later, she told me it was because I was enjoying herself, and she wanted it to last longer. 

    I love that she knew what she was doing, and she also gave me a few pointers. It was interesting. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

    So, how did the sex journey continue? 

    Well, I was having sex with different women and learning things, but the strangest thing was that I didn’t start masturbating until after I had started having sex. For a lot of people, masturbation is their introduction to sex. It was just different for me.

    While the message around sex was that it’s something you shouldn’t do until you were married, masturbation was something you shouldn’t do at all. Maybe that’s why it didn’t cross my mind until a woman I was talking to mentioned it. 

    We were having a random conversation, and I mentioned that I had never actually masturbated. She found it funny that a 22-year-old man who had been having sex with other people had actually never masturbated. Then I decided to just try it. 

    How would you describe your relationship with sex now? 

    Conversations around sex have changed for me, starting from the language I use. I grew up hearing people say things like, “I don knack that babe” and whatnot. These wordings give sex a wrong image and makes it seem taboo. Sex is something both people should enjoy, and if one person is not enjoying it, then there’s a problem. 

    I don’t believe in attaching negative things to sex. It doesn’t make sense to me, and if more Nigerians weren’t so closed off about sex, if we all just had enjoyable sex, we would be happier people. 

    What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    7. It’s not like I’m having a ton of sex right now, but I’m spending a lot of time in my own space. I like it.

    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who just wants to have penetrative sex. She talks about her painful experiences, the “solutions” she’s tried that didn’t work, and how she craves painless penetrative sex. 

    Tell me about your most memorable sexual experience 

    The first time I tried penetrative sex was when I was 21. It hurt, and I told him to stop. He said sex with me was like trying to put a wrong key in a padlock. 

    Three years later, I decided to try again with my friend with benefits at the time. We got a hotel room, and when he tried penetration, I was in a world of pain. It hurt so much, and the blood that followed? It didn’t seem normal. 

    We ended up just kissing and cuddling. I couldn’t go through that amount of pain again. 

    I’m sorry. So, no more penetrative sex for you? 

    Well, I tried one more time. It was with the same guy, in a different hotel a few months later. He kept telling me the pain was in my head, but I knew it wasn’t. When he tried and the tip got in, I thought I’d collapse from how much pain I was in. 

    I told him to remove it immediately, and I made a promise to myself to not try penetrative sex again until I’d figured out a solution to what was wrong with me. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: With a Big Dick You’re Your Own Problem

    What was finding a solution like?

    Well, I haven’t exactly found one, but that’s because I haven’t taken it seriously. I’ve been extremely busy. Plus, it’s not like I’m orgasm starved. I get plenty from oral sex and masturbation. 

    Those don’t hurt? 

    They really don’t. I started masturbating when I was 21 years old, and I was only able to because my mental block had left. I used to be very religious, and that meant no form of sexual activity for me. As time went on and I grew less religious, I allowed myself to masturbate one day. It felt great. I tried to insert fingers, but it felt extremely uncomfortable, so I just stuck with the clitoris. 

    I can give myself steady orgasms, and if I don’t feel like doing it myself, I meet up with my friend with benefits for oral sex. I’m not starved of orgasms. 

    Then why did you want to try penetrative sex? 

    Because I want to experience it. I want to know what it’s like to be penetrated and actually enjoy it. Plus, I can’t masturbate for the rest of my life, and I feel it’s unfair to just expect to get oral sex and not give anything in return. 

    I don’t like giving blowjobs. Semen tastes salty and the act of sucking dick doesn’t turn me on. I don’t want to be the one getting all the pleasure while the guy gets nothing. It’s not fair. 

    So back to finding a solution. What’s going on?

    I’ve tried a bunch of things. In early 2021, I started doing a lot of research. Whenever I typed in my symptoms, I’d always get vaginismus as a result. So, I started searching for solutions to vaginismus. The first one I tried was a dilator. 

    Dilators are these sex toys that look like dildos but have one fat end and a slim end on the other side. They come in different sizes, and you’re supposed to try each size to get your vagina used to a penis. The one I got had five different sizes. Using the two smallest was okay, but when I tried the third? Problem. I tried to shove it in, but it’ll end up sliding back out. So, I gave up on it. 

    Then I watched a show that talked about painful penetration. They shared breathing techniques you can use to help you take in the dilator. After learning the techniques, I tried again, but I could never make it past the second size. The third size brought too much pain so I’d stop. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    That sounds stressful. Did you try anything else? Lube? 

    I have tried so many different variations of lubricants, but it doesn’t work because my vagina muscles are too tight. 

    Late 2021, I was scrolling through instagram when I saw another woman talking about vaginismus. I reached out to her, and she gave me the number of a pelvic floor therapist who can help. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see the doctor. 

    There’s so much going on in my life right now, and I have so many expenses because I plan on traveling, so a pelvic floor therapist isn’t really the top of my list. 

    What about a gynecologist? 

    I’m currently seeing a gynecologist for PCOS-related issues, but I’ve been unable to bring my possible vaginismus up because the last time I went to see a doctor when I was 21, he kept asking me stupid questions that weren’t helpful. He was more interested in how my boyfriend felt about the experience than me. So, I’m just waiting till I can see the pelvic floor therapist. 

    When might that happen? 

    Hopefully, before this year ends. I might finally get a solution to this problem and maybe start enjoying penetrative sex. 

    How will you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

    1. Sure, I’m getting orgasms by myself, but there’s nothing like having someone hold, touch and kiss you in places you can’t do yourself. I’d like to be able to have penetrative orgasms with someone. Until then? We move.

    RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because Of My Childishness

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this Sex Life is a 27-year old gay man who sometimes doesn’t have sex because he forgets. He talks about being a late bloomer, and the role the body standards in the gay community affects how he views his body.

    Let’s talk about the first time you had sex 

    It happened on Christmas Day in 2014. I was 20, in university and tired of being a virgin. Everyone I knew was having sex, and when they spoke about it, it sounded like they had a great time. 

    I had waited that long because I was very picky. I had an idea of what I wanted the first guy I slept with to look like or act like. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for that person to come along and took matters into my own hands. I opened Grindr one day and chose the first guy who said hi to me. I even wore white when I went to see him to mark the event. 

    Did you always know your first time would be with a man? 

    Yes. I’ve known I was gay for as long as I can remember. I had a crush on one of my male neighbours when I was 6, so the concept wasn’t foreign to me, and I never had a phase where I questioned my sexuality. In fact, I’d like to think I was born with a glee CD in one hand and a Lady Gaga album in the other. 

    LMAO. So back to your first time. How was it? 

    It was absolutely terrible. First of all, the sex was painful. Not as painful as I feared, but it still hurt. I think the only reason it hurt so much was because the person I had sex with was not very patient or in tune with my needs. 

    Secondly, his breath smelt like fish. Thirdly, I was on the receiving end of it, and since he didn’t know it was my first time, he just went at it. He also used bleaching cream as lube and I’m still scarred from that. I just wanted to get it over with. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Lube Is Your Comrade in Arms

    Bleaching what? 

    See. I had an idea of what sex was going to be like.  So I also knew I had to use lube, but thought he’d have some with him. Shoutout to him for his improvisation. 

    Luckily for me, one bad experience wasn’t enough to deter me from having sex again. Since my friends were doing it in abundance, I knew what sex could be like.

    What was it like the second time? 

    It didn’t happen until six months after the first because I was fighting for my life in university, and the sex was still somehow. The guy was very lazy and put zero effort into it. It even felt like he was counting because he did nine pumps and was done. 

    I didn’t enjoy sex until my third time later that year. I was in a relationship with someone in another state, but I had feelings for this guy I had been talking to. I went to his house to find out how we could remain friends and get closure, but I got there and my clothes left my body. 

    Unlike the people I had slept with in the past, he was more intentional about making me have an orgasm. He wanted me to enjoy it and I think it’s because he liked me. 

    With the other people, I had felt like a sex toy, only existing to please them. With him, I was a human being. 

    Unfortunately, it was a one-time thing. I didn’t want to keep cheating on my boyfriend, plus the guy was my friend’s ex. There would have been too much drama involved. 

    What eventually happened to your boyfriend? 

    Well, he came to see me and we had sex for the first time. Having sex with him made me realise that romantic feelings can influence how great sex is. It was very intense, and I enjoyed it. He was also very great at it. 

    He had more sexual experience than I did, so he knew just what to do. Most times, my lack of experience hindered me from fully enjoying sex. I’d spend so much time wondering if I was doing everything right. Sex felt like an exam I had to pass,and it made me very self-conscious. I had doubts. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening to My Partners

    What kind of doubts? 

    Well, since my ex had all this knowledge about sex, I wondered if I was good enough for him. It didn’t help that it turned out he was dating someone else while also simultaneously dating me which led to us breaking up. This person he was dating, there were rumours about his sexual prowess. 

    After we broke up, I didn’t have sex with anyone for the next two years. Not really because of him, but because I had moved states and was finding it difficult to meet people. So, I was just masturbating and minding my business. 

    Eventually, when I was 24, I was back in familiar territory and I wanted to have a hoe phase. It felt necessary. 

    How did the hoe phase go? 

    It didn’t really happen. I did get my body count up, but I don’t consider it a hoe phase because I wasn’t having as much sex as I wanted. If I had my way, I’d have been having sex every day. However, sex is very stressful and has a low reward.  Most times, I’d just masturbate and post-nut clarity would remind me that sex is not all that, especially for a gay man on the receiving end. 

    Explain, please.

    Sex for people on the receiving end as a gay man is different. You have to watch what you eat so your digestive system is clear, douche and clean for like an hour before sex just to make sure there’s no accident, for what? Thirty minutes of sex? When I gauge it, it doesn’t seem worth it. 

    I see. Sounds stressful. 

    It is. Add the fact that I’m also not the most sexual person, so sometimes I’d forget to have sex. As much as I wanted a hoe phase, I wasn’t thinking of it enough for a phase. 

    My relationship was sex was tied to my body. Sometimes if I add weight, I would go without sex till I had lost the weight. The body standards in the gay community also don’t make it any easier to deal with. 

    I had a lot of insecurities around my body and it affected how I viewed myself and what I had to offer. I grew up as a fat child and no matter how much I work out and how healthy I eat, I still see myself as I was a lot of years ago. Add the fact that with sex you have to be naked and open to whoever you’re sleeping with? I was struggling. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was Missing Out Because I Hated My Body

    What kind of body standards? 

    A lot of people in the community want to either look really skinny or really muscular. Then you have the men who fit into neither of these labels being excluded from the conversation. I enjoy working out but then I feel like the community adds to the pressure.

    When I started working out and getting more muscular at the age of 25, a lot of people started hitting on me. People I was friends with and looked up to started to hint at having sex with me. It felt very strange because these people had never hinted at it before I started going to the gym. 

    So were you having more sex? 

    Not really. I tend to go long periods without having sex. I have had sex three times in the past year and it’s because the opportunities presented themselves. 

    I’m not the most spontaneous person, so sex means I’d have to plan a lot. To plan, I need a set schedule and there’s currently a lot I’m juggling. Fitting in sex will take a lot from me. There’s the fact that I still feel a certain way about my body. I said I’d have more sex when I get hotter, but with the way I view myself, that’s not anything that might change anytime soon. 

    Also, 90% of the people that move to me are not people I find sexually attractive. As much as I complain about the body standards in the gay community, I feel like I am still part of the problem. 

    With all of this, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d give it a 2. I want to be sexually active, but I’m too lazy for the work needed. I want to be able to have sex at least thrice a week. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing. 

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: My BDSM Journey Started Out Extreme

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old woman who’s been out of the BDSM scene for three years. She talks about starting with extreme things like fire and blood play, a dom that helped her find herself, and retiring from the scene until someone exciting comes along. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    My first time was a birthday gift from a friend. It was my 18th. I had told him I was bored and ready to try sex, so he linked me up with a friend of his. 

    There was nothing spectacular about it. If anything, I found it quite boring. I thought something was missing.  Something I needed to make me enjoy sex. So I went to look for it. 

    What did you do?. 

    I started my exploration on the internet. Google was my friend. I searched for edgier ways to have sex, and kept reading and clicking links till I stumbled upon BDSM. 

    I was 19 and in the USA for university when all my research finally led me to groups of free-spirited people. These people invited me to sex parties and dungeons. 

    The more parties I attended, the more people I met and they let me know when the next party would happen. 

    Was it safe?

    Yes. Some of these parties you’d have to register for. You’d fill out forms, pay a fee, and also present tests that showed you were free from any sexually transmitted disease or infection. 

    The ones that didn’t require forms are just regular parties that sometimes spiral into something else. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Attended Sex Parties Every Weekend For Three Years

    Did you like the parties? 

    I did enjoy it. I was a very curious person who wanted to try everything she saw, and I got the chance when I was 20. 

    I met a man during one of these BDSM events. He was my very first dom and I felt safe enough to tell him about activities I was curious about. Sex with him included activities that caused pain. There was the bondage as well as the flogging. He once used a paddle with holes in them. Those paddles hurt a lot and the actions helped me realise I didn’t have a high threshold for pain. 

    There were a lot of things he was into that after trying out, I realised weren’t for me. He was into fire and blood play. He’d ash cigarettes on my body, run lighters over his skin, and use candles… The candles were the only thing I didn’t mind, and that’s when it’s done with low heat. 

    When he cut himself sometimes, the blood would make a mess. I wasn’t a big fan of being cut, but I liked to watch when he did it to himself. It was intriguing. 

    My earlier experience was very extreme. The things I did were considered extremities in the BDSM community, but that was my introduction. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Hated Sex Till I Discovered BDSM

    How long did it last? 

    It lasted for about a year because I came back to Nigeria at 21. When I got back to Nigeria, I got reintroduced to someone I had known since secondary school but never really spoke to. 

    We met at a party and hit it off quite well. He was also trying to figure out what he liked as well, and we did a lot of exploring together. He didn’t know he was a dom, but he had a very domineering personality and was willing to explore a bunch of kinky things. 

    After facing extremes, I had gotten a good amount of information on what I didn’t like and what could be modified to fit my taste, but there was a lot more to figure out. I mean, I didn’t even know what kind of sub I was. 

    With this guy, we were both young and curious. It felt slower than the last one, but there was enough curiosity to keep us going. 

    At this time, what were some things you were sure you weren’t into?

    The only two definite things I never wanted to try were age play and race play. I felt like with those two things, the lines can be very easily blurred. 

    How did you go about trying them out? 

    Parties. In my early twenties, I was still very active on Facebook and was present in a bunch of BDSM groups. They’d organise parties and sometimes to attend, you’d have to pay a fee. Not only that, but you’d have to share results that showed you didn’t have any STDs or STIs. During one of such parties, I met a woman who indulged my need to have unplanned sex. 

    Tell me about her.

    She was not a constant in my life, and we had an off-and-on relationship from when I was 21 till I was 24 years old.  I liked our relationship because it worked for us extremely well. 

    Explain “extremely well.”

    My early twenties was when I explored the most, and she was responsible for it. 

    Having to plan sex made me very uninterested because I believe that sex is something that happens in the heat of the moment. Planning takes away the excitement.  

    So if I had a fantasy, I’d mention it to her and she’d do all the planning. The next time we see, it’ll unfold in front of me. 

    That must’ve been nice.

    It was. I travelled to the UK at 24, so we weren’t able to continue the relationship we had. 

    Then at 26, I met another dom who was in his mid-forties. We met at another one of the sex parties. At the party, we chatted a bit and then linked up later to discuss boundaries and set up our agreement. 

    The relationship was the grounding point in my BDSM journey. He helped me discover I was a brat, schooled me a lot about the power that came with being a sub and helped me find a balance between the pleasure I wanted and the pain I liked. 

    With everything else I did when I was younger, I was inexperienced. He took me under his wing and made me more aware of myself. 

    Sounds like a mentor. 

    Exactly! A dom is your teacher and confidant. They look after your interests. That’s why it’s so easy for subs who don’t know what they’re doing to get abused and taken advantage of. There’s a lot of power you hand over to a dom. Anyone can misuse that. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Want to Dom a Man 

    What about romance? 

    It wasn’t a romantic relationship, just an agreement between two adults who knew what they wanted. We still talk but are no longer involved in that way. Mainly because I came back to Nigeria two years later. 

    Did you have another dom after him? 

    Yes, but it didn’t last long because he wasn’t exciting enough for me. Lack of excitement made me go kinda celibate. 

    Kinda celibate? 

    Well, I haven’t met anyone that excites me enough that I’d want to share my body with, but I also have needs. All the sex I’m currently having is with myself.

    A lot of the people I’ve met in the Nigerian BDSM space are clueless or just experimenting. It’s not their fault. A lot of people are scared because of cultural, religious, and social biases against sex and sensuality. 

    However, I know what I want, and that’s to be more emotionally engaged. It’s interesting to me how what I’m looking for in a dom has changed over the years. Initially, I wanted someone strong-handed who would take charge of things and tell me what to do even though I’d fight. 

    Now, I’m more interested in someone that’ll engage my senses while they still have mental control. I want someone that’s completely invested in me as a person. Also, I’ve not been in the mental space to act as a sub for a long time. I feel like anyone who tries to come at me forcefully would have to fight me. 

    So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    The sex I’m having with myself? A 10. Sex with a partner? 0.

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Was Celibate For Almost a Decade

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Hear Me Out: We Should Have More Phone Sex

    Hear Me Out is a weekly limited series where Ifoghale and Ibukun share the unsolicited opinions some people are thinking, others are living but everyone should hear.

    I like the idea of phone sex because I often find myself pitying long-distance couples. If you spend hours talking on the phone with your partner, have virtual dates and parties on Zoom, should phone sex seem that weird?

    On a Sunday morning about six months ago, I got three separate voice notes from a friend on Snapchat — a three act narration of her phone sex experience. I don’t usually consider myself an amebo, but I was eating this gist up like ewa agoyin and then asking for more.

    What had started out for my friend as a lonely evening in a hotel bed in Abuja with an admittedly big bottle of wine in the space beside her, had turned into a restless need to be touched. When it became clear her usual people were too far away to come over, she decided to browse through her FaceTime contacts for some company. That’s where she found him.

    Honestly, she didn’t even consider this guy to be a friend. He was someone she knew a long time ago who had indicated interest in her. Nothing else was special about him. At that moment when she needed to feel something, to have someone watch her and desire her in the watching, his face on her phone screen was good enough. By the time she sent me those voice notes, my friend’s wants were  satisfied.

    Phone sex, before anything else, satisfies a special kind of horny. It’s for that urgent horny. The horny that believes it’s strong enough to defeat the wahala of Nigerian networks.

    I get it — I do. I’ve found myself far away from my love interests for most of my life. At first, it was university whisking me away from my secondary school love, and later, work. Most recently, it was NYSC. Because of these, phone sex was simply where my life naturally arrived — but why exactly did I turn to it?

    Phone sex, before anything else, satisfies a specific kind of horny. It’s for that urgent horny. The horny that believes it’s strong enough to defeat the wahala of Nigerian networks and doesn’t care for all the awkwardness of purely talking someone else to the point where they satisfy their needs. And it can get awkward, I’ll admit.

    In my first experience, there were moments where we both fell silent because I didn’t know what to say. When I did speak, I was a little worried I was saying the wrong things.

    The thoughts in my head  went from “Is this what she wants to hear?” to “Should I fake a moan? Would that be obvious?” and finally, some minutes into the thick of it, “So I can join Twitter moaning competitions like this?”

    Later, when I wasn’t lowkey cringing at how thirsty two people can sound when they’re horny, I thought about how I was forced to open up. I had shared entirely new things with my partner, and this brought us closer.

    Our conversations became vast and more fluid. We’d moved past the phase of trying to figure out what we couldn’t say in the relationship, and suddenly we could talk about sex without holding back. I felt like our relationship had reached the next level.

    My desire to keep my partner interested forces me to become vulnerable. When I fear I’m about to kill the vibe, the only thing left to do is to become explicit about what I want to see, feel or hear. My least favourite thing about phone sex — the part where I worry about saying something so boring, my partner starts to roll their eyes  — is also the part I need the most.

    Another great thing about phone sex is the way it can turn just about anybody into a listener. If you’re worried your partner isn’t paying attention to you, let me tell you about the give and take energy in phone sex.

    Like with all sex, there’s very little fulfilment if your partner is not interested. Though, the stakes are much higher with phone sex. It’s tough to fake interest behind a screen from many miles away; you’ll really need to listen to what your partner enjoys.

    I was curious about whether I was the only person who sometimes found it awkward, and so I went around asking.

    Someone told me on WhatsApp: “If I’m not comfortable with the person or not in the mood, then shit, it’s probably going to suck. There’s no point.”

    And another friend on iMessage: “I was sometimes confused about what he was saying, but it wasn’t all bad once I got into it. The problem was that I wasn’t always into it. But video calls and voice notes work like magic!”

    The cool thing about phone sex is there are so many ways it can happen: over texts, voice call, video call, whatever you and your partner find most comfortable. Just because they’re not in the same room as you doesn’t mean you have to pocket your desires and go to bed.

    Thinking back to those three voicenotes, I remember my friend swearing that the best part of phone sex is the hunger.

    “I love that my partner thinks my body is such a turn on, even if they can’t touch me at that moment. Sometimes, it helps to build momentum for when you actually get to see the person.” I agree with this, especially when I remember the times my in-person sexual experiences started off over phone calls.

    I’m single now and about 16 hours away from my current love interest. Whether or not they’ll eventually love me back (don’t ask me about this) is uncertain, but I plan to bring up phone sex if we ever take things forward. Because I know for sure that I might be on the move again soon, and my horny will likely come along with me. If you’re like me, young and unsettled — hear me out — you might want to read this again.

    Hear Me Out is a brand new limited series from Zikoko, and you can check back every Saturday by 9 a.m. for new episodes from Ifoghale and Ibukun.

    Ifoghale Eguwe

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  • Sex Life: With a Big Dick, You’re Your Own Problem

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old man with a big dick. He talks about realising how his penis size might be a problem for him and the insecurities that come with having a big penis. 

    What’s the most significant thing that happened on your first sexual encounter?

    I realised I might have a big penis. The first time a woman mentioned my penis was big, I thought she was lying and just wanted to stroke my ego. It’s not like I knew what the average size of a penis was, and I wasn’t out there comparing my dick sizes to that of men I met on the road. It didn’t click till 2014. 

    I was 19 years old and in university at the time. I had a serious girlfriend that was a year older than me in age and class.

    One day, when my girlfriend came to the house, she climbed on top of me and said we should have sex. She’s someone with very  high energy, so I wasn’t surprised she did that. 

    We started with foreplay, and I tried to make her good before I did whatever would pleasure me. 

    On penetration, her face turned reddish. I got a bit scared and asked her if she was okay. She said I should keep going slowly. As my strokes slowly increased, she passed out. 

    What happened? 

    I got her some water, and she just lay there till she eventually had the strength to go home. We didn’t bring up the passing out incident until she got home. 

    When I asked her how she was doing, she just kept talking about how big my dick is and how she couldn’t believe I was hiding all that with my small body. That was when I realised that my penis might become a problem in the future. 

    Did it become a problem?

    Not with her, but unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last longer than a year. I started sleeping with people I wasn’t in a relationship with. When you have a big penis, there’s a lot of trial and error involved because you’re not sure whoever you’re sleeping with will be able to handle it. When I was 22, there was this babe that I reconnected with.

    While we were hanging out, she told me about all the fantasies she wanted me to fulfil and I agreed. She sounded like she knew what she wanted and I was ready to give it to her. We set up a date to meet. 

    Immediately she entered my house that day, we went down to business. When she pulled down my briefs, her face was shocked. Then she went, “Is it inside my vagina this thing is going to enter?” I thought she was joking and trying to ease the tension. Before I knew it, she had started putting her clothes back on. She asked me to escort her out and I did. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. 

    RELATED: I Put Uterus-Killing Dicks Behind Me in 2020

    Didn’t you warn her? 

    I did. I always try to warn women about the size of my penis. But they usually think I’m lying or trying to hype up my dick. Meanwhile, I just don’t want a situation where someone will collapse on my dick or leave upon sighting it. 

    That’s why my solution to that problem is to send pictures and videos beforehand. So they can realise what I’m working with and what they’re going to see when we choose to have sex. 

    And then if they say they want it? 

    I still hold back my expectations. Most of them agree to it online, but once they come face to face with it, they chicken out. If you don’t have high hopes, you won’t be disappointed when it eventually doesn’t work out. 

    It’s kind of annoying. I don’t have control over the size of my penis, and with the exclamations and comments some of the women make, it makes me feel like I should reduce its size. Constantly getting blue balls because of something that is definitely beyond my control is very destabilising. I sometimes wish I had a smaller penis. 

    So, are you still doing trial and error? 

    Luckily, not anymore. I found a partner who actually loves the size of my penis. She says the length and girth is perfect for her and fills her up very well. I feel our relationship can evolve to something more than just sex. 

    What then would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d give it an 8. As much as there are bad times, there’s also some good times.

    RELATED: 7 Nigerian Men Confess Their Biggest Big Dick Struggles

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: Losing Weight Helped Me Enjoy Sex

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman whose encounter with a freaky partner helped her enjoy sex. She talks about entering a hoe stage after a failed relationship and how losing weight helped her love sex. 

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 20 years old, and it was with my boyfriend at the time. I had been telling my boyfriend I wanted to have sex, but finding the place and time to do it was quite difficult. Honestly, I just wanted to get this sex thing over and done with and stop being a virgin. One day, we booked a hotel in Ibadan, got passes to leave school and then went with his friend and his friend’s babe. I had sex that night.

    I stayed sober because I wanted to remember everything about it. 

    Why did you want to have sex so bad? 

    Maybe you can say it’s peer pressure, but I was twenty and everyone around me was having sex. I wanted to see what everyone was so hyped up about. I was very disappointed because the sex was very mid. Nothing too exciting, just there. 

    After all the hype? 

    Sis! I mean I had very high expectations because of how everyone talked about it, but the math wasn’t mathing. I thought my mind would be blown, and I’d feel like I was missing out on something, but none of that. 

    The second day was a bit better because there was no pain, but it was still mid. 

    The only difference about my approach to sex was that after the first time, I wanted to do it some more. I wanted lots of it.

    Unfortunately, all the sex I was having with my then-boyfriend was just mid. Unfantabulous sex for about a year. Then we broke up and I realised that sex wasn’t overhyped, my partner wasn’t just great. 

    I sense a revelation coming.

    LMAO. When this man and I broke up, I got into another relationship. I was 21 years old when I realised that I truly did like receiving oral sex. All my talk about sex being overrated vanished from my mouth because sex is very much all that it’s cracked up to be. 

    He was much better at sex than my ex. He knew what to do with my body and how to do it. Unlike my ex, he also had more experience, so I think that helped. 

    However, this was still my second ever sexual partner, and I felt I had more exploring to do. I didn’t know much about it, and I felt there could be more. 

    So what did you do?

    When my second boyfriend and I broke up, I sprinted to the streets. My time on the streets lasted for about three years, but it was interesting. 

    She’s a runner, she’s a track star. 

    One thing about not having a permanent partner is that it opens you up to a lot of things. There’s the bad sex, and when it’s bad, it’s really bad. Also, when you add the fact that I was struggling with a lot of body image issues, it didn’t particularly make the sex enjoyable. 

    Tell me about these body image issues. 

    I was fat. There are so many beautiful plus-size women out there who carry themselves properly and look stunning, but I wasn’t one of them. I felt very unfit, and hated how I looked. 

    It was so bad that I always had sex with the light off and never walked around naked after sex. Once we were done, I’d put my clothes back on. I didn’t want the people I was having sex with to see me. 

    This made no sense because obviously they were attracted to what they saw, but I kept trying to hide myself. Whenever people indicated an interest in me enough to want to sleep with me, I was always so confused. How could they want me?. How did they enjoy it? 

    Damn, that sucks. 

    You don’t even know half of it. During my hoe phase, I met a man, and we had arranged to meet to have sex. 

    On the day of the meeting, I was very nervous. I scrubbed my body clean, shaved everywhere, used a lot of perfume, and even wore makeup. I don’t wear makeup. He was just so attractive and I felt like I had to overcompensate for how I looked. 

    I got very drunk to ease my nerves, and this led to the worst sex ever. 

    To compensate, I gave him good head. I always give great head —  was my way of trying to make up for not looking great and for the fact that I never did anything. 

    What do you mean by “you never did anything”? 

    Well, remember how I said I was very unfit? It meant I was very inactive during sex. If I so much as attempted to ride dick, I could do thirty seconds max. Anything else meant you wanted me to die. 

    I think being unfit added to how trash sex was for me. Some women bigger than me do stunts during sex, but I was just unable to. I wasn’t participating, I wasn’t able to bend into a lot of positions or put in extra effort. It was ridiculous. Men would ask me to sit on their faces, and I would be confused. Do they have a death wish? 

    So it was just mid sex and vibes for you? 

    For the bulk of it, it was. 

    Then when I was 24, I stumbled into a FWB, and he was everything. Sex with him was truly amazing. 

    First thing first, my man was a FREAK. He was sucking my toes, sticking fingers up my ass, fucking me in public, etc. As someone who had had only two boyfriends and not a lot of sexual partners, that was a lot. He had been in the sex game for a long time and knew just exactly what he liked. He asked questions and created a space where I was comfortable enough to try new things and just enjoy sex. When it came down to it, he was down for anything, and for me, that was wild. 

    Another thing that made the sex with him so delicious was the fact that I started losing weight. 

    I’m taking notes. Go on.

    I was deeply unhappy with how I looked, and I knew that until I did something about it, I wouldn’t particularly love my body. That’s why I went to the gym. I was invested in losing enough weight that’ll help me love my body. 

    Oh I thought it was se—

    It’s a continuous journey, but I find sex much more enjoyable now. I no longer sit still; I put in the work. 

    A working-class queen. Tell us about some of your tricks. 

    Before, when men asked to carry me, I’d refuse vehemently. Now? I like to be flung like a toy. 

    I do a lot more than I used to, and I even ride dick now. Trying various riding styles because I too want to make it pleasurable for the person I’m having sex with. 

    And they say Nigerian women don’t ride dick. Smh. 

    Lmao, riding dick is stressful please, but yeah, I do it now. I do a thousand squats one day a week, so riding dick is much easier than it was when I felt unfit. 

    I also am more flexible and find it easier to try out all the positions I know. I’m currently doing split training, and very soon, I’d be splitting on dicks. 

    The most important thing for me with this weight gain is finally loving my body. I walk around naked and don’t mind my partners staring at me after sex. I’m more confident in myself. 

    How then would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I think I’d give it an 8. I’m glad I got to explore myself sexually to an extent, but I think there are more things I’d like to do. I’m just not sure what those things are yet.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Chase Orgasms But Medication Makes It Hard

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old pansexual woman with bipolar disorder and depression. She talks about prefering dry humping to touching herself as a coping mechanism, her love for sex leading her to chase orgasms, and the effect of her antidepressants and mood stabilisers on her sex life.

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    I humped a toy on my bed while pretending I was Gabriella from High School Musical,  and Troy was talking to me. I didn’t have an orgasm, but it felt nice. I was 8.

    How did you know what humping was at 8? 

    At the time, I technically didn’t. While I was pretending to be Gabriella, I just did what felt right in that moment. Humping the toy made me feel good, so I did it. 

    After the Troy and Gabriella incident, I didn’t feel the need to try humping anything till I was 9. I was on the floor of my grandma’s house reading my uncle’s copy of a Danielle Steele book. 

    While reading, I felt like I wanted to pee. I liked how it felt and bunched up the wrapper I was tying. I humped it till I came. It was my very first orgasm, and I tried so hard to recreate it. 

    I got an orgasm the next day by humping another thing I owned. I’m very relentless in chasing orgasms, and it started when I was a child. It got so bad, I thought I was addicted. 

    How bad did it get? 

    I moved to a boarding school at 13 years old. You’d think being in a boarding school would stop me, but it didn’t. I brought a toy plushie with me to school for humping. I also hid in empty classrooms to hump a sweater. 

    I was masturbating like three times a day, humping different things because that was the only way I knew how. I was Madam Humps-A-Lot.

    Why do you think you were so into it? 

    I was a very unhappy child. I was either masturbating or self-harming — I would take my release anywhere I found it, and humping was that place. It also helped me sleep.

    I tried other things, like touching myself, but it never felt right. The rhythm was off, and I couldn’t replicate the orgasmic feeling humping gave me. 

    All right. Let’s talk about sex with other people. When was your first time?

    I was 17 years old, and it was with my then-girlfriend. We were able to recreate that orgasmic feeling I got from humping. We tried every single form of sex that one can have without a penis, and it was awesome. 

    The year we started dating was the peak of my mental health issues. I was in SS 3, applying to universities I had no chance of getting into, and it was making me anxious. I wasn’t eating and I was oversleeping. I went through periods where I refused to look anyone in the eye because I felt like a failure. I was self-harming every other day, but she took care of me. 

    She wasn’t too scared to walk on eggshells around me and was genuinely interested in making sure I was as okay as possible. That turned me on all the time.

    This didn’t mean I stopped humping sha because we couldn’t have sex all the time. I didn’t start hacking other forms of masturbation till I was 21 years old. By this time, I had already started having penetrative sex. 

    Wait, let’s take it back. Penetrative sex? 

    The first time I had penetrative sex was when I was 18 years old. My then-girlfriend and I had broken up because school had ended. 

    I woke up that day in June and decided I was tired of my hymen. That’s when I told a guy to come over. 

    The sex was extremely painful. It wasn’t a particularly good experience because I kept cringing when he touched me, and he just grabbed me and shoved it in. 

    After that experience, I saw him for six weeks though I hated it and hated every time he touched me. It was even supposed to be a one-time thing, but he told me he liked me and I felt flattered. I didn’t like sex for a very long time after those six weeks. 

    How long is a long time? 

    7 months. I wasn’t able to have sex again till January. 

    When Christmas break ended, my friend linked me up with this man who brought my vagina back to life. Sex with him hurt, but in a good way. I particularly enjoyed his reactions when we had sex — he didn’t hold back expressing his enjoyment.. 

    From then on, I started to spread my legs with careless abandon. I’m one of those people that loves to experience things. So an opportunity for a new experience comes, and I’d take it. I was having as much sex as I could.  Plus carelessly spreading my legs led me to the man who taught me how to masturbate properly. 

    Please explain. 

    We didn’t have a masturbating lesson or anything like that. We were having sex, and he played with my clit til I came. I remember being shocked and trembling while he held me. I went there expecting to suck the soul out of his dick, but here I was shaking from my soul. 

    No man had ever made me cum by touching me before. I’d had plenty of orgasms, but none had been gotten by a man simply rubbing my clit. I tried to replicate what he did when it was just me, and that’s when I hacked masturbation with my fingers. I now know the pattern that works. and I masturbate often. I think frequent masturbation is healthy, but all that became difficult once I got on meds. 

    What meds? 

    Well, antidepressants for my depression and mood stabilisers because I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve been on and off treatment for depression since I was 15. 

    I had a really bad episode in secondary school that got me suspended. The terms for my return were that a psychologist had to prove I wasn’t a danger to anyone else. I’ve never been violent toward others, but the violence I showed myself freaked people out. My dad wasn’t happy to hear that I was self-harming, but he wanted me to get back to school. 

    I was on antidepressant for a year. As soon as those meds were done, I knew I didn’t want any more of it. 

    But you got more? 

    At 20 years old, I  went to a mental health institution and got put on medication again. I stayed on it for two months before I went off. 

    Why? 

    The first time I had sex while on my medication, I couldn’t get very wet and was drying out super quick. I got frustrated too and then we ran out of lube. So I let him finish and then went home to sleep. 

    When I tried masturbating, it didn’t work. I wasn’t horny or as wet as I should have been. 

    How did you know it was the meds? 

    I’m a psychology major, so I did have a bit of knowledge of what happens when you’re on medication. I just never made the connection to myself until I tried to masturbate and absolutely nothing was happening. That’s when I talked to one of my friends who was on the same medication and had an “aha” moment. 

    The thing about the medication is that they make me feel worse for at least the first 2-4 weeks. When I start them, I’m the unhappiest and most suicidal you’d find me. My mind hardly ever goes to sex, and I’m just stressed all the time. Not being able to masturbate makes me upset. 

    The emotions  eventually balance out and I feel better, but my sex drive disappears for at least six months. It’s torture. 

    I’m sorry.

    Most of the time when someone I like turns me on during sex, I don’t need lube. Like at all. When I’m on my meds, I use all the lube I can get, and I still won’t orgasm. The sex doesn’t feel as good. 

    How long have you been on your meds? 

    I was on this current set of medication for 6-7 weeks, but I went off my medication in late February, 2022. 

    Why? 

    One of the people I’m currently sleeping with has a penis that’s too sweet. I need one thing to go well for me in this life. I deserve good sex. 

    Did you go off your meds for penis? 

    Something like that. I nearly lost my job because my meds had me fucked up. I couldn’t physically make myself do anything. I was barely getting out of bed. 

    I hated myself for feeling this way too. I know I should’ve been patient and let the effects wear off, but omo. When they told me at work that they were letting me go because I was underperforming, I had to stop the medication. I needed a break. 

    How’s the break going?

    Well, I’m currently trying to convince myself that drinking sniper is not a very bad bitch thing to do. 

    So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    A 6 or 7. I’m currently having good sex with a lot of people, but I want a partner or my own. I just want a partner who knows how to give painful pleasure and isn’t a complete dickhead. 

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: No Matter The Time or Place, Just Hot Fok

    The subject of this sex life is a 29-year-old man who likes having sex immediately he feels like it — no matter where. He talks about his first time masturbating, how his first relationship led him down a path of public sex and how random hookups make him feel unsatisfied with his sex life.  

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was 12 years old, I stumbled on a movie with plenty of nudity. The title was 40 days and 40 nights. While I watched it, I noticed something was happening to my penis. It was strange, interesting and a little exciting. I was experiencing my first erection. After that, I wanted to know all about what I had just felt. 

    They gave us a book in our secondary school called “Questions Boys Ask”. It was written by some evangelist type people and the goal was to answer some frequently asked questions by boys concerning their body and sex. Some of the questions were about wet dreams, masturbation, etc. I was 11 when I first read it, but I felt a type of disconnect from what the book tried to explain. After my first erection, e enter. Although the book said we shouldn’t do any of the sexual things it contained, all I wanted to do was sexually stimulating things. 

    That’s why later that year, I jerked off to some women in the newspaper at home. I tried soap, but it didn’t work, then I tried water and it still didn’t work. Eventually, I used pomade, and it felt so good. The erection was weird, but the feeling like I was about to burst from the orgasm felt weirder. It felt like I was about to pee. 

    How did you feel about that? 

    I liked it a lot. I stopped jerking off to women in the newspaper after two years of exploring. My classmates in secondary school introduced me to porn. I would borrow some to take home and watch when my parents weren’t around, but I eventually started buying my own. 

    What changed? 

    I broke someone’s CD, and they needed me to replace it, so I had to buy another one. I couldn’t do it in the area I lived in because I didn’t want anyone to recognise me. I trekked somewhere farther, looked for a film rental and bought it. Anxiety nearly killed me and that was the last time I entered the shop. 

    I didn’t like buying from the same place twice, so I switched to buying from the men that sold CDs on wheelbarrows. They were in motion, and barely passed the same route — if they did, they wouldn’t remember me. 

    They were selling porn to kids? 

    I mean, it is what it is. My classmates talked about being sent to buy condoms and cigars all the time. The people selling these things never scolded the kids or anything. I don’t think they really cared. 

    Did they ever send you to buy condoms? 

    No o. I never actually bought a condom until after the first time I had sex. 

    I didn’t use a condom. I was 18 and in university. It was also with my very first girlfriend. We were in love and adored each other’s body a lot. 

    We were on a walk at around 11 p.m. one day, when we stopped by the side of the road to make out. One thing led to another, we moved to a heap of granite by an uncompleted building and had sex. 

    It was my first time but definitely not hers. After we were done, she asked me if I was sure it was my first time because of how good it was. Apparently, all my porn watching was useful. 

    So your first time having sex was public…

    I think my first happening the way it did set me on a path. We started having a lot of sex in a lot of random places. 

    I’m afraid to ask, but how random? 

    We had sex everywhere. We had sex in a bush on the side of the road leading to my hostel, in one primary school, in campus, off-campus, in the bush, incomplete buildings… For me, sex wasn’t something I had to plan, plus my girlfriend was a very spontaneous person. Wherever the thing hold me, I go just run am.

    I remember when we were worried we were having too much sex and decided to not have any at all. We went to read on campus, and she sat opposite me. She raised her gown up, and her pussy was just in my face. I had to do something about it, so we had sex in the hall. 

    Weren’t you ever scared of getting caught? 

    Not really. So there’s this place on our campus they called pre-degree hall. It shared a fence with a hostel and so people could see into the hall. That didn’t bother us honestly. It was a place we had sex commonly. 

    One day, while I was giving her head, a security man tapped me and asked me what I was doing. I was confused and asked him if he couldn’t see what I was doing. He told us to leave the campus but we didn’t. We just went to the faculty of education which was an incomplete building at the time and had sex. Funny enough, days we’d go there to have sex, we’d meet other people having sex. We made it our sex spot on campus. 

    Is it safe to say you got off on the thrill of getting caught? 

    Yes and no. Sure the adrenaline rush was great, but I also just view sex as something you did when the feeling and urge came — no matter the place or time. 

    My relationship with this babe lasted three years. From 2009 to 2012, there was a lot of sex happening, but eventually, I got served breakfast. She cheated on me with one guy she’s currently married to. After I got heartbroken, I didn’t feel the need to enter another relationship. I was just having sex and falling in and out of love. 

    I have slept with about 50-60 women, and while I don’t think it’s as high as some people’s, it’s still a bit much. 

    But was the sex good? 

    How I determine good sex is how random it is and how good she sounds while we’re at it. If she’s a squirter, I’d never forget her. It’s just that it’s not as spontaneous as I’d like. 

    How do you meet your partners? 

    There are a lot of places to meet people you want to have sex with. For me, the bulk of them are acquaintances. We could be texting, and they’d just bring it up. They’d say things like, “It’s been a while since I had sex,” and I’d offer my services. Some are my close friends, and some women refer me to their friends. 

    I don’t have the kind of access to them that a romantic partner does, so there’s a lot of planning I do. I have to reach out, check if times align and then plan a location. That’s too much planning just to have sex. 

    In 2019 though, I fell in love and got into another relationship, but that ended in 2020 when I fell in love with someone else while also with her. 

    How did your two relationships compare sex-wise? 

    Sex with my first girlfriend was great, but while I had seen a lot of porn and we were having sex in a lot of places, she was my first and my experience was limited. 

    The time between my first and my second girlfriend was a lot, and I had time to grow in the foki foki aspect of my life. I would like to think that sex with my second girlfriend was better, but only because I had improved sexually. 

    At this time, how will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

    7. I’m currently not having a lot of sex now, and I’d like for that to change. I really enjoy having “as e dey hot” sex and a steady partner is the way to ensure that. Since I don’t have one, it’s back to planning and execution. 

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: I Put Uterus-Killing Dicks Behind Me in 2020

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this sex life is a 26-year-old pansexual woman. She talks about her first time with a woman and a man, why she is very particular about the perfect dick size, and how she became a femme dominant.

    Tell me about your first sexual encounter

    I had recently turned 20, and it was with a woman my friend introduced me to at the beach. The woman is the reason I believe in love at first sight because from the moment I saw her, I was tongue-tied and all the alarms in my body went off. Throughout the night, we kept looking at each other. Eventually, she gave me a lap dance and I just kept smiling and blushing. 

    When school resumed a few weeks later, I found out we were in the same university and our halls were connected. It gave me a chance to see her almost every day. Weeks after we started talking, she asked how I’d feel if she kissed me. I had basically fallen in love with her since the first time I saw her. Of course, I wanted her to kiss me. I told her I wouldn’t have a problem with it, so she did and it felt like the best kiss of my life. The next day, when I went to see her, we got more intense. We had to turn off the lights and put down the windows because if we were caught, we were getting expelled, but it was worth it. We made out and she fingered me to the heavens. It was amazing. 

    Even after we went on holiday and left school, we linked up a couple of times. Unfortunately, after three years of us knowing each other, she told me she found Christ and was no longer queer. I thought that was the end of great sex for me, but then there was a guy. 

    Go on… 

    LMAO. We’d been friends for four years. Throughout the friendship, there was this subtle sexual attraction, but we never really acted on it until the night he invited me to a party. 

    That night, my parents weren’t around because they travelled. So, I invited him over to my place after the party. On our way, we picked up condoms. I knew it was going down that night.

    One thing I liked about him was that he was very reassuring. He kept asking at various points if I was okay with it. It was extra sweet considering it was my first time having penetrative sex with a dick. 

    What was it like? 

    Pain! It hurt a lot. There wasn’t a lot of bleeding, save for some spotting. That’s why the reassurance was great. I got comfortable, but I still couldn’t take it all in. I think I got halfway and realised I was done. Any more and I’d faint. Another reason it hurt so much was because his dick was the perfect kind of big. 

    Was that the only time it happened? 

    Most definitely not. He lived close to my parents’ house, so we could link quite easily. The sex was great every time and my body adjusted to the size of his dick. He listened, was very into foreplay and just knew how to work my body. He was the kind of person if I got into a relationship with, would turn me into a sex addict. We could barely keep our hands off of each other. However, because of NYSC and life in general, we couldn’t meet up as much anymore, and then that fizzled to not meeting up at all. We still talk occasionally and I think if we decide to see each other again, we’d probably have sex.

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    Look at you being God’s favourite. Have you ever had bad sex? 

    Yes o. For NYSC, I was posted to a school in Kaduna. I met this man who was also a corper in the school, and we started dating. We were having a lot of sex, but I was still sexually starved. Usually, I’m not a fan of people touching me and I just want to do what I want, but it felt like he was not even trying to make it good for me. There was no foreplay, and it was just penetrative sex when he wanted it. His dick was quite long, and he did know how to use it, but he almost always came before I did. So he was having the time of his life, but there I was, barely having any orgasms. 

    I found out he was cheating on me. He was having sex with me and four other babes that I knew, raw. I could have caught something, but luckily I didn’t. Ontop all that, he was emotionally manipulative. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just leave him since I wasn’t really gaining anything from the relationship. After a couple of months of us being together, I finally had the guts to leave the relationship. 

    The break-up really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. I kept asking myself what made me remain with someone so manipulative, but I don’t think I’ve found the answer to that. 

    The decline of my mental health didn’t stop me from having good sex, however. I hooked up with my friend again and hooked up with some other people. I have been very opportuned to have big dicks. 

    I’m curious. What makes a dick perfect-sized?

    I think that if a dick is short, it should have girth. If it’s skinny, it has to be long. The most important thing is the owner knowing how to use it, but size is important either in length or in breadth. When people talk about size, people think we’re always shaming small dicks, but that’s not the case. There’s a possibility of a dick being too big. 

    There was a guy I once linked with in Owerri, and his dick was almost as thick as a 60cl Coca-cola   bottle. How was he expecting anyone to have sex with that kind of weapon? That thing was dragging thickness with cans of insecticide. Who is that one trying to kill? 

    In 2020, I put all those uterus-killing dicks behind me when I fell for a woman I met on Twitter. She was a dominant and was constantly teaching me about the lifestyle and what she did. The more she taught me, the more I realised this was something I enjoyed and had been low-key doing in my previous relationships with people. I enjoyed commanding men and making them do things.

    Out of curiosity, I opened a burner account on Twitter. One thing about submissives and slaves is that they just find you. Once you’re a mistress, there’s a plethora of submissives throwing themselves at you. It can be overwhelming. My DMs were full of requests. So, you find a way to weed out the sensible from the foolish. For example, a foolish person would text me “Hi”. Why’d you text me that?  It’s “Good morning, mistress” or nothing at all. The disrespectful ones never get a chance. 

    Sorry, mistress. How was it like when you started? 

    Lmao. It was nice. My partner and I were in an open relationship, so I could meet up with these people and have sessions. The thing about these kinds of sub/dom relationships is that it’s all about the sub. Sure, as the dom, you need to have your own personal boundaries. There are some things I can’t do, and I tell my subs beforehand. I’m only here to give you a good time; we can’t be best of friends or anything. I’m not completely heartless because they can always talk to me about anything, but they should not just expect us to be best friends.

    Anyways, my job is to provide an experience. They don’t all like the same things — some enjoy being degraded, some want to be spat on, insulted and given a golden shower, while others just want to be told what to do. I also have male subs. One thing I’ve noticed is that the male subs are whinier and generally have a lot of problems. So, you have to be harder on them.

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    So, how do these sessions work? 

    Well, I choose a hotel and they book the room in my name. Then we meet up at an appointed time and I give them a worthwhile experience. 

    Sometimes, I do it as a job and get paid, but not all the time. I always collect gifts though. I’m a goddess, and you can’t just approach me empty-handed. Also, not all my sessions are physical. Some scenes are done over the phone. I’d tell them what to do and how to touch themselves. With my physical sessions, I hardly ever let them touch me. I’m very strict about that. It’s fun, however, watching them struggle to not touch me. I get off on the fact that they’re not even tied up, but they can’t do one thing they want so badly to do. It’s fun having that kind of power. 

    I’m not a completely terrible person, so if they’ve been good, I let them kiss or touch my feet. If I feel like it, I let them eat me out. However, that’s a privilege not many get — only two of my subs have ever been allowed to. When they eat me out, they’re doing it because I have an itch to scratch and they’re available, like toys I can use. 

    Interesting… 

    For the past couple of months, I’ve spent way less time in that space because of where I’ve been mentally. As much as I’m not a sub’s friend, I have to be intentional about them. That includes checking up on them amongst many things. I barely have the energy to show up for myself, talk less of showing up for another person. I don’t just think I can right now. 

    Do you want to talk about this mental state?

    Not really. But I’m taking it one day at a time. 

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    Do you think exploring your dominant side gave you better sex? 

    It gave me a chance to explore. It doesn’t necessarily make the sex better. My sex life has sections,; and different parts of me are satisfied by different things., I can’t pick one over the other. 

    Interesting. So what’ll you rate your sex life? 

    I’d rate it a 7 because right now I’m not having as much sex as I want to. My mind is currently on one person and his own focus is on work and getting his life together.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: 5 Must-Read Stories of 2021

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    Last week, we did a recap of the Sex Life stories you read the most in 2021. Here’s a list of five stories that you probably missed but you really should read.

    5. Get the lube…

    The subject of this Sex Life story had some great advice to give to women (and men) regarding lube: it’s only going to make things better, so use it. She’s also hoping to leave the streets and all the problems they bring. Read her story below.

    Sex Life: “Lube Is Your Comrade In Arms”

    4. What do you do when it gets too hard

    Our subject for this week is a sickle-cell warrior. I learnt about priapism from speaking with him. It’s a condition he has that will sometimes cause him to have lingering erections. He talks to us about how he deals with this and how it affects his sex life.

    Sex Life: “I Do Push-ups To Get Rid Of Erections”

    3. So when you say “cheating”

    For the subject of this Sex Life, it was important that her first time having penetrative sex was someone she did not particularly fancy. Why? You should read on that and a lot more.

    Sex Life: “I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating If It Was With A Woman”

    2. Listen up!

    My people, it is necessary that you listen to your partners. Find out what they like, tell them what you like. Communicate. The subject of this Sex Life learned this lesson over a number of years and also lets us into his experiences at sex parties.

    Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

    1. The sex life of an asexual woman

    The asexual spectrum is one that doesn’t find a lot of representation in Nigerian media and this story was a move to start the very necessary conversation of exploring all shades of sex lives.

    Sex Life: “I’ve Only Found 5 People Sexually Attractive In My Life”

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: 10 Of The Most-Read Stories In 2021

    Sex — or talking about sex — is generally regarded as taboo in Nigerian society. But it’s important that we talk about sex. From how we discover our sexualities to how we satisfy our sexual curiosities. We learn so much when we talk about these things openly and honestly.

    To help these conversations happen, we’ve been anonymously telling the stories of Nigerians and how they navigate sex through our Sex Life flagship.

    So as we say goodby to the year 2021 and it is only right that we take a look back at the 10 Sex Life stories you loved the most.

    10. What if sex came with a report card?

    In this edition, we spoke to a 29-year-old woman who spoke to us about how she grades her male sexual partners. You should really read this story — if for nothing else, just so you can see the grading system. One partner scored an E8 (this is bad) in Basic Human Decency. Yikes.

    Sex Life: I Grade The Men I Sleep With

    9. To Nut or Not To Nut?

    Doesn’t matter to the subject of this edition.

    After a series of horrible sexual experiences, this 20-year-old woman finally starts to have pleasant sexual experiences. She even describes foreplay with one of her partners as “stupendously excellent”.

    Having an orgasm is great but for this subject, it’s all about the journey. So maybe you get there, maybe you don’t but make sure it’s a fun ride.

    Sex Life: The Sex Is Good Even Without Orgasms

    8. “Ruthless sex. The kind devoid of emotion”

    Those were the words this edition’s subject described the sex she enjoys. The 21-year-old woman tells us of her sex life and all the ways BDSM made it better. From blindfolding to gagging, she finds out how all of these ‘ruthless’ and very importantly, consensual methods thrill her.

    “But how?” You may ask. The story reveals plenty.

    Sex Life: I Hated Sex Till I Discovered BDSM

    7. Yes you hear them. But are you listening?

    The subject of this edition was not. Not for a while.

    The 33-year-old heterosexual man tells us about his journey to having good sex. He tells us about his first sex party and the one time he had sex with a man, just to see if it was something he’d be into.

    He says his sex life with his 8 partners has been great because he’s learnt to listen to the women in his life to make sure they’re getting the most pleasure.

    Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

    6. Playing catch-up with sex

    This edition’s subject is a 36-year-old man who has slept with almost 200 women. Why? Well, he had what he considered a late sexual awakening and so as a young man he felt the need to catch up. To have all of the sex.

    From his perspective that came with a lot of stress. The sheer energy it must demand to be with multiple people.

    But how did he get here? Read and find out.

    Sex Life: I’ve Slept With Almost 200 Women But I Wish I Hadn’t

    5. When you’re both fine with “ruining” the friendship with sex

    Can we all agree there’d be less pressure if friends who found each other attractive just had sex with each other? No? Okay.

    This 25-year-old woman gets it though. It makes sense to have sex with someone you already consider to be a safe place. She also tells us about discovering her attraction to women and can you guess who was involved? Rihanna, of course.

    Sex Life: “It Just Made Sense To Sleep With My Friends”

    4. Practice makes perfect

    You may think you’re not killing it at sex now but what you may need is a number of people to safely explore things with. That’s what happened with this edition’s subject.

    The 25-year-old woman is currently having great sex after taking the time to sharpen her skills with 4 different men on her roster.

    Sex Life: I Sharpened My Skills With Four Partners On My Roster

    3. How do you tell this story?

    This story was met with a lot of shock and people were rightly appalled by some of the things they read. We had to include an editor’s note and several trigger warnings because we wanted to protect any members of our audience who may be triggered by stories of sexual abuse and assault.

    But the story is up because it is a real sex life story of a 19-year-old Nigerian whose experiences are as valid as the next person’s. There is a lot that can be done about the way sex is taught to our children. Beyond informing them so they are aware, it is also important so that they know they have a voice to speak up when they feel things go wrong.

    Sex Life: I Was A Dominant At 13

    2. You did what? Where?

    This story starts at Redeem camp. And that’s really all I need to say for you to understand what you’re getting into.

    The 26-year-old subject of this story tells us about the many places he’s had sex.

    Sex Life: My Sex Addiction Made Me Have Sex In Strange Places

    1. She eats danger for breakfast

    This was the most read Sex Life story this year and I must tell you, it deserves this spot. The 20-year-old woman in this story is not kidding when she says she likes danger.

    From the first time she got slapped in the middle of sex to an actual kink for sleeping with encumbered individuals, this story thrills and thrills.

    Sex Life: “I like to sleep with people in relationships”

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Regret Not Squirting When I First Felt The Urge”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old heterosexual woman. She talks to us about wanting the perfect first kiss, letting go of purity culture and how she regrets not squirting the first time she felt the urge to.

    TW: Sexual assault

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I masturbated for the first time in 2020.

    Before this, I’d never really paid attention to my sexual urges. I come from a very religious home. For context, I have an uncle that’s a priest and an aunt that’s a reverend sister. That’s how religious we are.

    My parents were liberal on certain things but sex was the one thing we were told not to try. You had to keep yourself clean and pure until your wedding night. For the most part, I stuck to this. While my secondary school friends snuck off to the labs to make out, I stayed out of it. 

    Sometime in 2020, I started following more people on Twitter who, like me, had abandoned a lot of this thinking around purity culture, sex and sexuality. I told myself it was time I tried some of the things I saw them recommend in their tweets. So I started with touching myself.

    And how was that? 

    It felt really weird. It took time for me to get used to touching myself. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it but it took some getting used to. It felt good to finally try out something sexual but I didn’t try anything sexual with anyone just yet.

    Why? 

    I wanted my first kiss to be perfect. Under the night sky or in a cinema. Something outrageously romantic, like in the movies.

    I loved reading books and watching movies growing up and I really wanted what I saw on the screen so a part of me decided to wait till I had that. So even after I ditched a lot of the religious reasons behind my avoiding sexual things, I still wanted the perfect time with the perfect person.

    Unfortunately, that never happened.

    What happened? 

    My first kiss happened this year on the same night I had penetrative sex for the first time. It was sometime in March 2021 and I had returned to my city after travelling. It was late so I had to spend a night at my friend’s house. I knew he liked me and was attracted to me but I really wasn’t attracted to him at all. I just saw him as a friend and he was older by like 16 years.

    I’m so sorry about that.

    He didn’t force me or anything but I just felt like I couldn’t say no to him. And what made it even worse for my first time was that he wasn’t gentle at all. 

    After it happened I just remember feeling very guilty and impure. It was such a terrible feeling. It tainted sex for me because on the one hand I just kept regretting having sex with him and on the other, I wondered “Is this sex? Is this what everyone makes noise about?”

    I’m glad I got a chance to try sex again with a friend who lived in the same city as me. We hung out a lot and I started to like him. One day he texted and told me he was coming to mine and I told him to bring condoms.

    And how was it for you? 

    Sex this time was really really good. I enjoyed it so much. He was so gentle with me. He took everything slowly and kept asking me questions. He took his time and made sure he was pleasuring me and that I was enjoying myself.

    But I really regret not squirting that first time.

    Ah. Why didn’t you? 

    While we were going at it, I started to feel like I was going to squirt — or pee, the same thing really. I told him I had to go pee and he told me to do it there. In my head I was confused. Why did this man want me to pee on my own bed? I rushed to the bathroom and I peed.

    I really wish I hadn’t peed because since then I don’t think I’ve experienced anything close to that feeling and I would like to experience it again.

    It seems this fellow sabi the work 

    Yes! It really felt like pleasuring me was his life’s goal. There was always ample foreplay, He would finger me till my legs quaked and eat me out till I couldn’t feel my legs.

    Wow. God when?

    Lol. I loved teasing him. I was new to sex but I was in my bag when it came to blow jobs. And it’s even funnier because I’d actually searched “How to give blowjobs” on YouTube. Didn’t really get a lot of good answers so clearly, this babe is a natural.

    He always indulged me as well. I have this fantasy of having sex in an office and he made it happen for me. He invited me over around 6 p.m. when most people had left.

    I’m noticing a lot of past tense. You guys not seeing each other anymore? 

    No, we’re not. I had to move from that city and so that had to end. But I’m really glad we got to explore so many things. I was comfortable enough to laugh with him in bed about anything from farts to queefs.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    4/10. I’m celibate right now. There’s so much that I want to do but I don’t think I want to date in the city I’m in right now. I should be moving to another city in the new year and maybe then I’ll meet new people.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Do Push-ups To Get Rid Of Erections”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who’s a sickle cell warrior. He tells us how exercise helps him deal with priapism, his journey with masturbation, and how romance novels kickstarted his sexual journey.

    What was your first sexual experience? 

    I was in Primary 6 when I first masturbated. The details are foggy but I remember that it all started with erotic scenes in books.

    I was a very shy child who really enjoyed reading. My mother bought me as many books as she could find. She is a very religious woman, so I don’t imagine she knew what she was buying when she got me all those James Hadley Chase and Harlequin books.

    I had a very active mind and could picture everything I read in detail. When I read these scenes, I would get an erection. So I read more books.

    One thing the books did was that they made me exclusively attracted to older women. I barely talked to girls my age. The women in the books were grown and curvy, and because there were always visiting aunties who fit this description, I started to fantasize about one of them.

    I thought of her as I moved my waist on the bed. This continued till I came, and it was an interesting thing finding out my body could do that.

    Oh wow. When did you start doing sexual things with other people?

    Not until a lot later, around 2012. I was in my second year in university and I had a girlfriend. We started dating in 2011 and agreed that we wouldn’t have sex or do anything at all actually. She was the first person I’d ever kissed.

    A year into our relationship, we decided that we would make out and try fingering and oral sex. In all this, we still never had sex.

    Why did you decide not to have sex?

    Sex had always been off the table for me. I read books with erotic scenes, watched porn, touched myself but the actual sex was where I drew the line.

    I grew up very religious and so the topic of sex was a non-starter. So in a weird twist, masturbation became this thing I’d found that I could do to prevent myself from “sinning” like the rest of my secondary school mates were doing. 

    They would tell me of the things they were doing with girls they liked, and I wouldn’t be moved because whatever pleasure they were getting, I could very easily sort myself out. 

    What else has been a significant part of your sex life so far?

    I live with sickle cell and as a man, this can come with a condition called priapism. Nobody had ever told me about it but I found out by myself when I was 20.

    I was back home from university. It was the early hours of the morning and I had just finished watching Spartacus and masturbating. After a while, I noticed my erection hadn’t gone down at all. I couldn’t call for help because what would I tell my mum?

    I panicked at first but then I tried cold water and it helped it calm down. I did some more googling and I found something that matched my symptoms. I read that adrenaline was something to take to fix it. Since I couldn’t buy adrenaline, I decided to substitute that with exercise.

    At this point, I was still dating my girlfriend in university. When we made out and I felt like it was happening I excused myself and went out to do push-ups for about 15 to 20 minutes. This always helped. 

    I always make sure to inform any sexual partners that I am a sickle cell warrior and that if we plan to be sexual in any way that this is a condition I have.

    These days when it happens with my current partner, I just do the push-ups right there in front of her.

    So how did sex finally happen for you?

    Ah yes. That was in 2018. I had a friend who I would make out with from time to time. Ours was a “friend with benefits” setup.

    She came into town to see me. I will start by telling you that the sex was not good. I wasn’t ready. Not just in a naive, not-knowing-anything way. That was a factor, but I genuinely wasn’t planning on having sex with her that day.

    Before then, all we did was make out and give each other head. That was the plan when she came visiting this time and she was visiting from another state. When she arrived she basically told me, “I didn’t come all this way to just make out. We’re going to fuck.”

    If we’d had a conversation about it prior to her getting there, I may have at least gotten my mind ready. At that moment though, I felt like I couldn’t say no. Then I believed that sex was not a thing I could turn down so as not to “fall my own hand.”

    We had sex and after I came, she said she wanted to go again. I was so out of it that I couldn’t penetrate her again. She had to masturbate to get herself off.

    I left the house for her after that night. What if she wanted sex that I didn’t want to give again? I spent a chunk of the time she was around in my neighbour’s house. 

    I’m so sorry about that. Did this affect how you perceived sex?

    It did. I was convinced that this first bad experience happened because I wasn’t prepared and I felt like I had to prove that it could be good if I tried again. So I called up another friend with benefits and she came over and the same thing happened. I could penetrate but my mind was still not in it. Even after planning and preparing myself for it.

    It wasn’t until later that it hit me that I may have just not wanted to have sex with these women. I was fine with making out and oral sex but nothing more.

    It’s just important to me that the partner I have sex with is someone I can be very vulnerable with and tell things to. With my current girlfriend, I’m ready to have sex but she’s not and that’s fine. 

    So have you had sex that you enjoyed?

    If you’re talking penetrative sex, I would say no. That last experience was the last time I had sex. But with other sexual activities, I can say that I’ve always enjoyed the thrill of discovering things about my partner’s body and mine.

    That’s great. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    8/10. I’ve had penetrative sex only twice and I’m not having sex right now, but I’m totally fine with it. I am making out and having oral sex with my girlfriend and as I ask my partner questions, I learn more ways to pleasure her.

    Also, I can go days now without any sexual activity. Not even masturbating. When I feel horny, I usually just dive into work until I have time to attend to the feeling. So I’d say I’m not doing too badly.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I’ve Only Found 5 People Sexually Attractive In My Life”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heteroromantic asexual woman who talks about living with vaginismus, being sexually attracted to people for short periods of time and the struggles of being asexual and sexually active.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I remember two experiences, but I don’t know which came first. 

    One time was with a neighbour’s daughter. After watching Nollywood movies and seeing people humping, I got very curious and wanted to recreate what I’d seen on television. I was in primary school.

    The other time was when a boy in my neighbourhood and I were playing a game called “Mummy and Daddy”. It was this game where we imitated grownups. Sometimes we pretended to be a married couple, other times we pretended we were young people on a university campus. On one particular day, we acted out a kiss. It was the first time I kissed a boy but I didn’t really feel anything. It was just me acting out what I supposed adults enjoyed doing..

    When next did you have any sexual activity?

    The next time I kissed someone, I was 17. I remember asking this guy I liked how we were supposed to kiss, and he didn’t know either. My eyes were open for the duration of the kiss. In the middle of it, he opened his eyes and met mine shining. It was so awkward. I remember him actually screeching.

    LMFAO. And sex?

    I tried sex for the first time when I turned 20, but it didn’t quite go as planned.

    What happened?

    I was seeing a guy, and we decided we were going to have sex. When I got to his place, he pulled out some lube, put it on his finger and stuck it in my vagina. Nothing felt out of place until the lube started to burn. Like there was pepper inside my vagina. I asked him if it was normal. He said it wasn’t. Turned out that the lube had been expired for four months!

    I beg your pardon?

    I rinsed it off and it took another hour before we tried again. Then we met another problem — his penis couldn’t go in. Imagine trying to put your finger through the eye of a needle; that’s how it felt.

    A few months later, I found out — after googling my symptoms, of course — the condition I had was vaginismus.

    We tried and tried that day but ended up not having sex. Things with this guy ended soon after this. I remember thinking there was something wrong or I wasn’t aroused enough. Finding out about vaginismus really helped with getting past these thoughts.

    I’m so sorry about that. So how were you able to have sex for the first time?

    Practice and planning, my friend.

    After doing some research and finding out that dilation was a way to fix vaginismus, I started to try it. First with one finger, then I added more fingers. I also tried breathing techniques to help me calm down. Soon I could insert small anal dildos of varying sizes with little resistance.

    When I felt like I was ready, I planned to have sex with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months but had never had sex with. All we used to do was make out and sometimes I would perform.

    Perform?

    Oh yes, I enjoy strip teasing and doing sensual dances and being watched. Like burlesque dancers. I get so much pleasure from knowing that I’m the cause of my partner’s arousal. I love lingerie, so I usually wear them and just perform for my partners in person or over video calls. 

    If I had to equate the pleasure I feel from that I might just equate it to an orgasm.

    Interesting! So how was your first time?

    It was painful. Though I had been dilating myself with my fingers, a penis was a whole other ball game. Once we started, I felt a lot of pain but thankfully even before we started I’d been laughing so it helped me forget the pain.

    Laughing? Was the guy cracking jokes?

    Lol no. He had a football injury the day before we saw, so he had a cast around his leg and couldn’t walk well. When I came in, he was so horny and rushing and it was hilarious to watch. I figured if he had an injury he would at least take his time and ease into it. But I guess the wait made him too eager.

    It sha made me laugh, and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know how else I’d have gotten through that pain.

    When would you say sex stopped being painful?

    I think it was after the second time. My hymen tore, and it made things easier. The more I had sex, the less painful it became.

    So are you having sex more these days?

    Not really. I feel sexual attraction, but it’s usually few and far between. It doesn’t help that I also don’t just find random people sexually attractive; I have to have some emotional connection with them. But in my case, an emotional connection isn’t even a total guarantee. I once had this guy who I was seeing and really liked but in the two years that we were together, I think I found him sexually attractive on two occasions.

    There are times when I wish I didn’t experience sexual attraction at all, so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on something. So these days I inform potential partners that there’s a chance I won’t find them sexually attractive, and all I’ll want to do is kiss and cuddle but not have sex.

    What if they are sexually active?

    I’m fine with a sexually open relationship. My sex drive, even when I’m sexually attracted to a person, is not very high and there are these expectations with sex in a relationship that I don’t think I can keep up with anyway.

    I mean I can have sex with them but just as an activity. I’d be faking everything the entire time.

    The way I explain my experience with being ace is with hunger and appetite. Hunger is what you would call sex drive or arousal. Everyone can feel hungry (aroused). If you touch your clit, your body will respond; it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to anyone or trying to have sex with someone. For that, you will need appetite (sexual attraction).

    In my entire life, I’d say I’ve been attracted to five people. The first lasted for about eight months; the second was for two days; the third was for two weeks; the fourth was for two years and the fifth was for two months. I find that I just don’t have the appetite as much as other people.

    So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. It’s definitely above average because I was having good sex for two years with one of the five people I mentioned being attracted to earlier. But that ended. Now I know more about the things that work for me in sex but haven’t had a chance to explore because I don’t find anyone sexually attractive right now.

    Also, I’d like to state for the record that vaginismus sucks. I haven’t had sex in about two months and when I tried to masturbate recently, it was so painful.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “Lube Is Your Comrade In Arms”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about having sex for the first time at 25, discovering the wonders of lube, and her current struggle to leave the treacherous streets.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The very first time anything remotely sexual happened with me, I was six and it was with my brother who was about four at the time. We dry-humped, and I vividly remember us kneeling to pray after. Being from a very religious home, we weren’t fans of going to hellfire for doing nonsense.

    The next memory I have would be with a family friend’s daughter. I was 12 and her mother was friends with my father. One time when we visited them, she initiated a kiss, and it just continued like that. I used to be so excited to visit them because I knew we were going to make out. 

    How did your religious upbringing play out in this situation?

    I’m actually not sure. I just knew I was enjoying whatever we had going on. 

    Would you say that you are now also attracted to women?

    That’s something I’m actually confused by. Because I enjoyed making out with that girl but right now I’m as straight as they come. Except for that one time in 2017.

    Ah, what happened?

    So I had this female friend and colleague I liked, and we would hang out and talk a lot. She was into women and would tell me about her sexcapades from time to time. These stories piqued my curiosity, and I found myself very attracted to her.

    Tell me you shot your shot

    Lol. For where? No o. I diligently prayed and fasted until I was over it. For context, I was extremely religious at this time and was going through so much guilt for even thinking about sex. Being with a woman just felt like an even bigger sin to be dabbling in at the time.

    I was 23 and had never had sex when this happened. If I had done the deed, I just may have considered shooting my shot.

    What made you wait that long though?

    Religion. That was mostly it. Keeping my “virginity” till my wedding night was something that was expected of me anyway. Also, my sister had waited till her wedding night, and I wanted to do it too.

    So all through secondary school and university, no sexual activity?

    In secondary school? Zilch. I was all about my books and had body image issues from getting bullied for my looks, so there was no sexual anything going on there.

    University was different. I was still quite religious by the way. I would think about sex from time to time but, ultimately, I was waiting for my wedding night. But you see making out? I was a make-out champion. I made out with a shit load of people. I did everything — kissing, blowjobs, handjobs — just never penetrative sex.

    So how did sex finally happen?

    March 2019. I think religion finally lost its hold, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait till marriage because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married. Besides, I just wanted to fuck.

    There was this guy I’d really liked in uni. I always said my first time would be with him or with my husband. As there were no plans for any husband at this time, it was definitely going to be him. I called and told him I was finally ready. We’d been making out for almost six years since uni so we were already quite familiar.

    He was actively having sex, so he knew a lot more than me but he eased me into it.

    And how was the sex?

    My first two times, there was so much pain. It was new for me and I think a lot of the pain came from not being as lubricated. I didn’t suggest lube because I’d always heard that if you didn’t get wet on cue then something was wrong. So I literally braved through the pain the first time. I could barely enjoy it.

    I’m a very anxious person and I think my anxiety was part of the reason for not getting wet through it all. 

    By my third time with this same person, he suggested using lube and the sex definitely got better.

    Lube to the rescue

    Yes o. Thankfully my first two partners didn’t make me feel any kind of way about not being wet enough. They were very comfortable with using lube.

    It was a little later in my sexual journey that I ran into men who took it as an affront if you were not extremely wet. They saw it as you not being as attracted to them or something of the sort.

    Please, my dear sweet babes, lube is your comrade in arms. Any man that makes you feel some type of way for wanting to use lube for assistance is your enemy and you should dump him.

    A word for the wise. So when did you start enjoying sex?

    Once there was lube involved and I had gotten a hang of sex with partners I liked, orgasms from penetrative sex became a regular thing. 

    I started to have constant sex with the first guy I slept with. He became my official fuck buddy. Then I would also meet people from time to time and have sex with them as well.

    And of course, in the absence of my partners, there was always masturbation, my old friend.

    Tell us about that.

    It’s really always been off and on. Usually, I’d masturbate when I watched something sexual, or when I was bored or just horny. It also didn’t help that masturbation was seen in religion as this thing that made you dirty and filthy. But thanks to the lockdown, masturbation peaked for me in 2020. I had all that time to myself, and I took that time, dear. I took it well.

    You do you, ma’am. Do you ever consider revisiting an encounter with a woman?

    I typically never say never. There was a time when I abhorred giving head, and now it’s one of my favourite things to do. I’m at a place where I’m pretty certain I’m not sexually attracted to women but I might meet someone, so we’ll see. One of my partners proposed a threesome once and I turned it down, but it’s something I could be open to at a later time. We’ll see.

    What’s changed with sex for you these days?

    Honestly, streets have shown me pepper and now I really want to have a lot of sex but with one person within the confines of a committed relationship.

    There are certain ways men move mad when they’re in casual relationships or situationships. There’s just a lack of accountability. I was with this one guy and at some point, I guess things changed for him, but instead of having a conversation about that and letting me know he was done, he just ghosted. If you raise these points, the response you get is, “At least we’re not in a relationship.” I’m trying to shield myself from that.

    I also want security. To be able to say this is my person and this is what we’re doing. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee too much, but at least it’s better than being totally unsure of what this person can wake up tomorrow and do.

    So how would you rate your sex now over 10?

    I’d say 6/10. I’m having great sex and orgasms all the time, but I’m not having it as frequently. I recently fell out with my fuck buddy and we used to fuck like every week. Now it’s been like two weeks and, nothing.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Want To Dom A Man”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about how she decided not to wait till her wedding night to have sex, her desire to dominate a man, and all things she enjoys that she blames porn for.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I wouldn’t say that this was a sexual experience but it’s a good place to start this story. It was the first day I saw porn. I spent that day in a police station.

    I’m sorry, what?

    I was about 13 at the time and my brother had just gotten a laptop and he had found hentai – anime porn – online and showed it to me. I’d seen random clips here and there before but this was the first time I was getting to see an actual video.

    My father caught us watching this and he absolutely lost it. He made us pack our boxes and took us to the police station close to our house. I remember feeling so bad and having so much shame. We ended up coming back home around 11 pm that day but it was such a weird experience.

    So did this keep you off porn?

    Till my late teens. When I was getting into uni I was finally looking for porn by myself. Searching categories and all that. It’s what helped a bit when I decided I wanted to have sex for the first time.

    Oh yes, so how did that go?

    I was 17 the first time I had sex. I was in the U.S. for university and had started dating this guy that I liked. We lived in a co-ed dorm and after my roommate moved out in my second year, we basically started living together. 

    I didn’t plan on having sex till my wedding night.

    What changed?

    Before we had sex, my boyfriend and I would usually make out. One day, he put his finger in me, and it was the most excruciating pain I’d ever felt. I had to think very hard about my decision to wait because I wondered what a penis would do to me if a finger could do that. I thought about how sad it would make my wedding night, so I decided to get all the unpleasantness out of the way early.

    And how did your first time go?

    As I imagined. Painful as hell. I wondered if I would need to have my hymen surgically removed or something.

    Eish, sorry. But did it get better?

    Oh, it got a lot better. We had more sex, and I started to try more things with him. I watched more porn and discovered the stuff I liked or wanted to try. From degradation during sex to craving sex in public places. I think the most insane thing we wanted to try at the time was to go to the centre of the school’s football field and have sex there. We never got to do that though. We settled for having sex in his car in the school’s parking lot.

    I had to move to another state and change schools after about a year so we broke up.

    What was your sex life like in this new city?

    I lived with some family members in that city. I was meeting people, but I wasn’t in a co-ed dorm anymore. Sex in class became a thing for me with one guy I was seeing. We were doing that for a while until one day when he asked me to give him head and his penis stank to high heavens. He was uncircumcised, and I think he hadn’t washed well. I got one whiff of it and backed the hell away. We eventually settled on a handjob. But can you believe that after this man came, he just packed his things and left?

    The audacity.

    That was the last time I saw him sha. Another interesting fellow I had sex with was this white guy I met through some mutual friends. I didn’t particularly find him attractive, but he was persistent and we planned to see a movie at his. I told him straight up that we were not going to have sex, and he was fine with that. Then we settled in to watch our movie. Guess what I chose for us to watch…

    I feel like I’m not going to get it.

    Dear White People.

    Oh God.

    Yes, yes. It was hilarious. 

    Anyway, we did end up having sex but the night ended up having a bit of a snag because at some point the condom got lost, and we had to stop and look around for it. We checked the bed and everywhere around. Turned out it was inside me. I don’t know if the condoms were too big, but yeah, that didn’t help the mood for the rest of that night.

    Not a lot of exciting things happened with sex in that time. After a while, I had to return to Nigeria to complete uni and during my final year, I met a sugar daddy.

    Where did you meet him?

    Lol. I met this one at a club when I was with some friends. Honestly, I hesitate to call him a sugar daddy because of how selfish he was. But he falls under the group of men I slept with not because I liked them, but I just knew that when we saw or had sex, I’d get some money from them but not a lot. 

    Things were going okay with this guy until we had sex one day and for some reason, this time was without condoms. I’d never had someone cum in me, so I never thought to ask if he had when we were done. 

    A month later, I noticed my breasts were increasing and I hadn’t seen my period. I remember sitting with my friend and doing the first test. It was positive and I was crying. My friend told me to do another one (we bought many) and it was the same thing.

    I didn’t get an abortion till it was well into the third month, and that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

    So sorry about that.

    Thanks. It’s been some time since then. I didn’t see him again after the abortion. He was clearly a very irresponsible person. 

    Once I was done with uni, I started focusing on having casual sex with people I liked. I also started to try some things that I genuinely blame porn for.

    Blame porn? How?

    You know how you watch something and you think you might like that? Yeah, I tried a couple of these things, and now I’m going to list the ones that worked in real life and the ones that didn’t.

    *opens note* I’m all ears.

    I was watching lesbian porn when I figured, oh, I might like this. Then I actually tried it. 

    I was with this girl, and we were both drunk and I played with her clit and sucked her breasts, but when it was time to actually do anything that involved her vagina, I was suddenly not sure I wanted to. So that was the last time I tried that.

    Then golden showers…

    Like getting peed on?

    Yeah, but not all over you like in porn. I no get mind like that yet. I asked him to pee on my leg. The entire time I didn’t quite get what was pleasurable about that, so I don’t think I’ll be trying the full thing anytime soon.

    Orgies were on my list of things to try before but I don’t even know how the mechanics of that would work. I am not currently thinking too hard about it.

    Then there’s this thing where I know I’m a sub but I really really want to try being a dom.

    [newsletter]

    How did you find out you were a sub?

    I can’t say for sure that I know when I discovered I was a submissive, but as far back as my first boyfriend, I really enjoyed degradation. Every single derogatory word you could think of. I like them. I enjoy being whipped and gagged and slapped. I may blame porn here too as well. Of course, I gravitated towards more submissive themes in the videos, and as I encountered new things, I found more stuff that I liked.

    Point is, now I want to dom a man.

    How come you haven’t?

    I’ve not found a willing man o. Help me tell your people.

    LMAO, no wahala. How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 7/10. It’s satisfactory. I have a couple of people that I have sex with from time to time, but my libido is not what it used to be anymore. When I was younger and just getting the hang of sex, I used to be horny 24/7. Now I only get horny when ovulation comes around.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating If It Was With A Woman”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual woman who talks to us about discovering she was polyamorous, learning to have sex for herself, and dating a woman while in a relationship with a man.

    TW: Sexual abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was about 8. I was a very timid child and my mother encouraged me to make friends with my neighbour’s daughter who was about my age at the time. We would always hang out at either of our houses and one time, she asked me to touch her between her legs and she did the same to me. I liked it and we kept doing things like this until we moved to a different city when I was 12. 

    After we’d do these things together, I’d go home and read some of my nanny’s HINTS magazines. When I was 10, I read one of them about women touching themselves as we did was described as lesbianism. I ran to her house to inform her, in case she didn’t know, that we were lesbians.

    My first penetrative sex experience though, happened when I turned 18. I’d made a mental note to myself that I was going to wait till that age to have sex and when the time came I met this guy off Twitter and asked him if he’d ever been anyone’s first. He told me he had and so we had sex.

    Before we go into how the sex was, why this guy?

    Well, he wasn’t someone I particularly liked as a person. That was the main reason for choosing him. I was only physically attracted to him.

    Wait, you didn’t like him?

    Nope. When I was 12 and hanging out with my teenage male cousins, I heard them say that when a girl had sex for the first time with a guy, he would be all she’d ever want and she would remain madly in love with him.

    Ah yes, a version of that insane thing people call Okafor’s law.

    It didn’t make any sense to me even at that time. Why would someone sleep with me once and I’d be stuck with them forever? What’s that about? So I decided two things that day: I would have sex for the first time at 18 because I’d be an adult then and the person would be someone I had no emotional connection to at all.

    And you made good on your promise. So how was the sex?

    It was a very weird experience. I didn’t enjoy it. Every time he tried to penetrate me was painful as hell and it took a long time before he was finally able to. We tried with condoms and wasted about 3 condoms before he suggested we do it without them. When he finally got in, it was still so painful and felt so horrible that I screamed. I also bled. He got tissues to wipe the blood and then told me that we weren’t done yet because he still hadn’t broken my hymen. I was new to sex so I believed that this was how it worked so I allowed him to continue. There was so much pain and eventually, I passed out. When I came to, he was still thrusting and he ejaculated inside me. He bought me antibiotics the next day. I wonder how I didn’t get pregnant because those were definitely not contraceptives. 

    That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry. When would you say sex got good?

    I continued to have sex with this first guy and it didn’t get any better. While we were doing this I reached out to a guy I really liked but couldn’t have my first time with. Now I had had sex and could meet with him. So we did and I had my first orgasm from penetration. I didn’t even know that I was orgasming, I just thought “This feels weird, but good.” It was the first time sex was good and I was confused because I had just come to believe that sex was a painful thing.

    After a while, I started dating another guy that I liked. At this time I was getting regular orgasms from penetration but my school was in another city so we could only have sex when I was out of school. 

    I was having sex in school though. With a woman I liked.

    *Gasps* Cheating???

    I didn’t consider it cheating. I just felt like I was living my life and it was nice. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything bad so I talked about it with my boyfriend. And he never pushed back or complained about anything. Since he was fine with it, in my head it wasn’t cheating.


    But to be fair, I was seeing her before I started seeing him and she also had a boyfriend who was not in the same city as well. We just didn’t see it as a big deal. But it was. I felt more for her than I did for my boyfriend but no thanks to conditioning, I’d always just seen any relationships with women as temporary and that I would eventually end up with a man so it was all just fun.

    Did you ever feel bad about it though?

    I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I think I’ve always just been polyamorous. I confirmed this after reading more about polyamory years later. In my mind and heart I knew I could feel things for many people, so why was that a bad thing?

    Preach sister! So how have things changed for you with sex?

    This year has been interesting. I have finally started having sex for myself. I used to have sex for many different reasons: a man liked me, paid me attention, asked for it or because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t because I actually liked penetrative sex and wanted to enjoy it for myself.

    Now, I choose my partners and if I don’t want to, I say no. For example, there’s a friend of mine who has been wanting to have sex with me. I’ve told him no a few times. He’s also asked to eat my ass a couple of times and I let him but with sex, I drew the line. And I didn’t even like the ass eating. I realised I was only letting him do it because I somehow thought this was a way to save our friendship. But he kept pressing and now it’s to hell with him and his friendship.

    So what has ‘having sex for yourself’ looked like this year?

    For starters, throughout the lockdown I learned to masturbate and enjoy it. I now make myself cum often. Before this, I would feel so much guilt and shame about masturbating. With the lockdown, a lot of things became less taboo for me.

    What are some of these things?

    Apart from masturbation, sleeping with people in relationships or married people. Having sex in multiples. I’ve already had three threesomes this year alone. With six different people!

    The first one was with a guy I liked and wanted to have sex with but he mentioned that he preferred to have sex in multiples. I told him I’d never had a threesome and so he set it up. We started with watching Netflix but soon that became background noise for our shenanigans. It was such an erotic experience. And it was intimate. I always thought intimacy had to be between two people but I was wrong. The entanglement of bodies just felt so pure. At some point after he penetrated her, I sucked her juices off his dick. Do you even know how magnificent that is?

    I can’t say that I do. How did the second threesome happen?

    I went home with a babe from the club. I thought it was going to be just me and her but her man was there. We made out and then she ate me out for what seemed like hours. When she was done, her man ate me out as well, I squirted, and then he and I had sex. It was really good.

    A random thing I’ve also experienced this year is that getting my toes sucked intensifies my orgasm.

    You, my friend, are living the life. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 5/10.

    I beg your pardon?

    Okay, so I give it a 0/10 because I’m not having sex as frequently as I’d like. But 10/10 for when I get to have sex because it’s always so amazing. Put those together and you get 5/10.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Don’t Want To Have Sex With A Woman And Waste Her Time”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

    Both?

    LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

    So what happened with each of them?

    I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

    And the sis?

    With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

    How long did this go on?

    It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

    2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

    For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

    Did you eventually meet someone there?

    I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

    I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

    How did it go?

    Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

    Did this experience taint sex for you?

    Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

    In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

    Why not?

    I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

    You’re primarily attracted to men then?

    Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

    You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

    In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

    Valley? And you went?

    Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

    How was that?

    It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

    But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

    How did that happen?

    So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

    Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

    The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

    Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

    I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

    How would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “I Wasn’t Having Good Sex Until I Started Listening To My Partners”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old heterosexual man who talks about getting into sex through porn, attending sex parties, learning to please his partners, and the time he slept with a man to experience a sexual awakening.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was 13. It was with a 16-year-old girl I knew at the time.

    I had told her I was ready to have sex because I had watched a ton of porn that I got from the older people around me at the time. I was quiet and curious so they didn’t hide too much around me. I had also read many porn magazines and was genuinely fascinated by sex and thought that these images and videos were all I’d need to get the deed done. Boy, was I wrong.

    The entire time I didn’t know what to do with my hands, or how the vagina worked, or even where to put my penis. I was clueless and strong-headed so even when she tried to show me things, I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to seem like I was new at it.

    That was quite early. Did you try again?

    Yes. For that, we’ll fast forward to age 15. There was this girl who was the first and only crush I’ve had. She was somewhere between 18 and 21. Following the disaster at 13, I tried to do a bit more research. I finally knew where my penis was supposed to go, and well, I put it there several times like I’d seen it done in porn. It was still very bad.

    When I asked how it was, she said it wasn’t bad, but I thought she was patronising. I felt this strong urge to get better and prove myself to her.

    Did you get to?

    We tried again when I was 21. I had had sex with a lot of other people but I look back at the sex I was having then, and it was all so bad.

    She was abroad, came into town and told me she wanted us to hang out. We got talking and decided to have sex again. And it was bad, again.

    How come?

    There wasn’t any communication about what we wanted, especially for her. Not before, not during. We didn’t say what we liked or didn’t like. We just had sex and moved it along. This is why I insist it was bad. It was the same going in and getting out that I had been doing with the other people I was having sex with, but this one sat with me because I really liked this woman.

    I was able to pick up on a couple of things that she responded to, but ultimately we could have had a much better experience if we had just communicated.

    So when would you say sex got better for you?

    I was 25 and my friend invited me to a sex party. I don’t have sex at these parties. I’m a voyeur, so I just sit, usually dressed in black with a glass of whiskey in my hand and watch them go at it.

    During this particular sex party, I was watching two people when this woman came, sat by me and we got talking. We were talking about people having sex and pointing out things. It was such a great conversation. I asked her why she wasn’t having sex like the others, and she said the room was too hot. In the end, we exchanged numbers and started texting. One day she just straight up asked me if I wanted to have sex. 

    Did you?

    Hell yeah. We already had great conversations. Sex was going to be a welcome addition. 

    We planned a weekend, and for me, it was the first time somebody tried to teach me how to please her. It changed many things for me.

    I knew people were different, but somehow I didn’t think to apply it to sex. She told me what she wanted me to do to her, where she wanted me to touch, how to respond to her touching me and also asked what I liked. I said, “Ah, anything,” and she laughed. It was at this point I figured I didn’t know what I liked.

    So she took it upon herself to try a few new things with me that have now become things I like.

    Care to run me through some of those things?

    I mean, why else are we here?

    First, she jerked me off. This one I was familiar with, but what was different was that she did it while maintaining eye contact with me. That thing fucked with my mind.

    Then, she touched herself while making me watch and maintaining eye contact. This, of course, played into something I already mentioned I enjoyed — voyeurism.

    When it came to sexual positions, she was very into missionary. People like to talk down on that position but those who know, know.

    She talked me through that as well. Told me when to go slow and I listened. Then at some point, when she had had her fill with that, she told me to do whatever I wanted, and it definitely felt different because when I did what she said and went slowly, she got wetter with every thrust so when I started going faster, it just felt so much better.

    This actually fits into the template of how I have sex now. Starting off slow, then building to a crescendo. But it also made me very curious about sex and getting better at it. Even more curious than I was when I was younger.

    How curious would you say you were?

    Extremely. I was always trying to understand sex. I remember finding a book that belonged to my aunty. It was a small book that had pictures of different sex positions. My aunty found me with it and quickly collected it. She asked me what I’d seen, and I told her it was people dancing. She explained that they were having sex but didn’t tell me much else.

    As I grew up and saw more things and more positions, it got into my head that sex, something I’d believed was one way, could be done in very many ways. And while I did build this curiosity, I wasn’t having good sex until I started listening to my partners.

    In your curiosity, what else have you given a try?

    Well, there’s sex with multiple people. I should just start by saying, I don’t like it. I will always prefer having sex with one person. Here’s why:

    The first time I had a threesome, it was with two women, and the entire time I felt like someone wasn’t getting enough attention. While I was having sex with one of them, it felt like the other was neglected. I got too in my head about it. They ended up making out with each other and I watched and jerked off to that.

    When I tried a threesome with a guy and a girl, I’d say that was way better. In this one, the girl was getting so much attention. That was great because by this time I had become very particular about pleasing my partners in sex.

    Anything else?

    I was part of a pretty spontaneous gangbang. There were a few of us in the living room. One of the guys was with a girl, and they went into the bedroom. Next thing, another guy went in. One other guy came into the house and noticed that some people had left. He said, “Oh, it’s started?” And took off his shirt as he walked towards the bedroom. 

    I joined them and it went great, but honestly, it just felt somehow.

    Another time, I tried sex with one of my gay friends. He’d told me he wanted us to have sex, and at this point, I’d read something about not being fully sexually awakened until you sleep with someone of the same sex. So I said yes.

    How did that go?

    I’ll tell you, it was great for him. It was actually pretty good for me as well. I’d done anal before with a woman, but I generally don’t like it because of all the ways it can go wrong if not done properly. After we were done, he asked me the million-dollar question, “Would you do this again?” I said no. It wasn’t for me.

    How would you rate your sex life?

    I’d rate it a 10. Since I started having sex with women with whom I have a deep connection, I have been having amazing sex. I currently have about eight partners. We aren’t in any relationships; we just have great conversations and sex. This might actually be the reason I’m single; I’m having a lot of really good sex now.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: “It Just Made Sense To Sleep With My Friends”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old woman who isn’t thrilled about tagging her sexuality. She talks about her attraction to women starting with Rihanna, how sleeping with friends can be more convenient and her experiences with heterosexual women.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    My first time having penetrative sex was very calculated. It was a month before I turned 18, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. We’d done everything but have sex.

    We’d talked about having sex before then but I kept changing my mind until the day came and we were in front of each other and it felt like that scene in the movie where the two characters know what they’re there for but they still talk through it like “Oh, do you want to do this” “Are you ready”. That’s how it went.

    I didn’t have anything to compare it to but the sex wasn’t impressive. It didn’t help that we were both virgins and he had a huge penis. It wasn’t terrible but I didn’t cum. We kept having sex for about a year before we broke up.

    And did you figure it out eventually?

    Well, compared to the sex I’m having now, I look back and just want to vomit because what was I even doing then?

    Were you only attracted to men?

    Oh hell no. I already knew in secondary school that I was attracted to women, and I have Rihanna to thank for that.

    I’d heard a rumour that there were naked pictures of Rihanna online. Out of curiosity, when I went home, I picked up my cousin’s phone and searched the internet for these images. I legit couldn’t believe that people had naked pictures of themselves online.

    I found some of these rumoured pictures, and I swear I spent about an hour just staring at them. I remember that these pictures did something to me that I didn’t think they should have done. It was an awakening.

    My teenage version of porn became to look up pictures of female celebs. I started to notice girls and see them as pretty. It was one of those things I didn’t allow myself to think about but I definitely was crushing hard on so many girls and chucked it up to “she’s pretty”.

    Did anything change in that regard?

    Well, from secondary school till my first boyfriend in uni, I kept seeing men and convincing myself that girls were just “really cool”. But I noticed I would constantly develop tiny crushes on my friends’ girlfriends. It didn’t make sense, so I didn’t act on these crushes until the day my boyfriend told me “You know the way you talk about these your friends’ girlfriends is not normal right?” He didn’t even say it in a judgemental way. He was very encouraging when we talked about me exploring things with women but also made it clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about all of it. 

    Talking about it made it feel less taboo, but I was in the university and didn’t know any girls who liked girls or wanted to sleep with me. Most of the time I would only get chances to kiss girls during truth or dare games.

    Ah yes, the famous Truth or Dare. Did you continue trying to explore with women?

    Nothing really happened for me until I got drunk at a party and a girl there took advantage of me. I remember not being sober and failing at stopping any of the things she was trying to do. At some point, the room that had a few people when the party started was suddenly empty and I was alone with her.

    That sort of put a pause on me trying things with women for the rest of university.

    I’m so sorry. What came after uni?

    My relationship while I was in school lasted about 3 years, which felt quite long. When I came out of school, I wasn’t really interested in getting into another one; I just wanted to hook up with people. And I did, but mostly with guys because they are always readily available. But the best part was probably that they were mostly my friends.

    Did sleeping with friends start after you left uni?

    It actually started in uni. I had this friend who I hooked up with after breaking up with my first boyfriend — I’m not sure I can say he was a friend at first because we kissed the first time we met — but we never did anything while I was dating my boyfriend. After my breakup, I was vulnerable and he was there for me. So it was pretty simple: he liked me, I was heartbroken and looking to get laid, we hooked up. After the first time went well, we decided to keep doing it. It just became a thing.

    That sounds like a great arrangement.

    It was, then it spoiled. He started to want more because he actually liked me while I was still in that weird space where I didn’t want to do romance, I just wanted to have sex. That was the end of that.

    Because we live in a society obsessed with purity culture, it’s hard for me to just go to a stranger and say “hey let’s fuck” without the fear of being tagged a whore or — even worse — getting attacked by this stranger.

    With your friends, and friends of friends, it’s safer and a lot more convenient. Following that, it just made sense to sleep with my friends.

    So far you’ve slept with only friends?

    Well, the one time I met someone and we talked about having sex that first day, we actually did it two weeks after but now he’s one of my closest friends. 

    And the best part of these arrangements with friends is that they don’t have a specific stop date. I have some that have gone on for weeks and even months sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be a regular thing; you just know that if you guys are ever in the same city or are feeling up to it, you can hit each other up. Like leaving a bunch of doors open.

    I notice you only talk about male friends, does anything ever happen with your female friends?

    When it comes to women, I have only hooked up with strangers. I think there’s only been one time I hooked up with a female friend, and I just kept questioning the whole thing and whether she was actually really into it.

    I may be projecting because of all the many times I’ve met women who weren’t particularly bisexual or lesbian. They were just straight women having fun, and so while I would be there planning how we would probably hook up a second time, the babe is already over it. 

    There was this one time I went to a house party with this guy I was sleeping with and there was this other girl there and she was with another guy. At some point that night, after a lot of drinking, my head was between her thighs and a lot was happening. I remember we both came a few times. And then the next morning I woke up alone in a room in the house and that was the last I saw of that babe.

    Those are extraordinary doings. Would you say you prefer sex with men or women?

    I can’t answer accurately. I’ve mostly been sleeping with men lately so I may be biased in that regard. But then, there’s also an excitement that comes with hooking up with women that I do not feel with men.

    I mean, I will still enjoy sex with men but usually, I get there and I know this person, it’s familiar and we get to it. With women, it’s just more exciting. Like you’re on drugs.

    Okay so back to these friends, what would you say is the longest you’ve had a door open for?

    I’d say, my first boyfriend. We met when I was 17 and till now whenever we’re both single — I’m usually always single — and in the same city, we are likely to have sex.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it a 7/10, but it’s about to go up to a 9. I’m having a lot of sex with this male friend I have who is invested in helping me sleep with more people. He’s literally said that the next time we are out, we will be with his other friends who are lesbians and all I’d need to do would be point out who I liked and he would make it happen. So basically, my sex life is about to be very very interesting.

    Edwin Madu

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  • Sex Life: I Grade The Men I Sleep With

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old bisexual woman who talks about deciding to have sex after a car accident, getting over sex guilt and how she started grading her male sexual partners.

    TW: Sexual Abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    The first time I had penetrative sex was at university. I was in my third year, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. He’d had sex before but we hadn’t. We just made out a lot.
    One day, on our way back from a party, the car’s brakes failed and we had an accident. It could have been really bad but luckily, we were fine. When we got back to school, I thought, “I could die anytime o”. So we had sex.

    “Tomorrow is not promised” nacks. I respect it. Wait, this was the same day as the accident?

    Yeah. We did it, and I didn’t really like it because I think I preferred making out more than the actual sex. It was a letdown.
    Also, I remember heading to my room and feeling like everyone was staring at me because I’d had sex. Which was silly. They were staring at me because I’d clearly just been in an accident.

    So how did it go with this boyfriend?

    We continued dating and having sex for another eight months before the relationship ended. He broke up with me because I was shit at sex — or because he wanted to cheat. I’m not sure which it was.

    I was very active in church, and so every time we had sex I would go to church for one meeting or the other and feel so guilty. One time I had these really bad cramps that sent me to the emergency room. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong even after an ultrasound, but it would get so bad that I couldn’t walk.

    I’d find out later that it was phantom pain and was in my mind but showing in my body. It was clear that only making out was the best thing for me at that time.

    Was that the end of sex for you?

    Well, there was the breakup, but before that, I got raped by the drama director at church. I was also getting a lot of attention I didn’t want.

    I remember telling my friend that it felt like everybody wanted to sleep with me, and that was so disconcerting. I would wonder if maybe there was a sign painted on my head. I got really depressed. 

    I’m so sorry about that. So when did the tables turn with sex?

    After I left university, I continued to have sex with other men I met and dated, but unfortunately, I had started confusing sex for affection. My heart got broken three times back to back. So I told myself I would stop dating.

    Then I met this guy on Twitter. We hit it off and decided to spend a weekend together. It was my first time packing a bag to stay over at a man’s place. 

    When we had sex, something changed that day. While the sex was good for me, it was great for him. He couldn’t stop talking about it even after the weekend was over. Being the person making him feel all that pleasure was amazing. At some point, I didn’t even mind not getting any pleasure. It was also the first time I was having sex without any phantom pain, or shame, afterwards.

    How did it go this time?

    We dated for about three years and we had sex a lot. We had this book that had different sexual positions — just like the Kamasutra. We were both committed to having the best sex. 

    It didn’t even matter where we had sex. One time we had sex in the rain, another time in his uncle’s house, then on his mother’s fridge in her kitchen, then his grandma’s house—

    Not grandma’s house.

    We had sex everywhere. And we never got caught. One time, at his mother’s house, there were a few of his friends and his mother’s friends in the living room having a discussion. We both went to the backyard to have sex.

    Ah. You said this ended after three years. What happened?

    I found out he had a girlfriend who was not in the country the entire time we were dating.

    But it didn’t end right after that. We kept having sex, feeling guilty about it, spending some time apart and repeating the process. During one of the times apart, I ran into him and we decided to go back to his house. There was some other babe in his house and three of us slept on the bed. At least I thought we were all sleeping. The two of them were busy having sex beside me. I woke up and asked what he was doing, and he kept lying. Eventually, he started apologising and kissing me and then we started making out. That’s how this other babe joined us and I had my first threesome. I liked it.

    He left the country after a while and that was the end of that.

    Wow. So what came next?

    I decided I wanted to get serious with adulting. I got a job, got into a committed relationship and did that for four years until it became abusive in the last year. We finally broke up before the lockdown. During the lockdown, I moved in with some friends; three women and five men in the same house.

    Were you having any sex?

    Zero. In fact, one of the guys in the house teased me about it and said I needed to have sex. I decided to have sex with him and asked some of our mutual friends if it was a good idea. One of them told me, “He fucks like a pornstar. Go for it and come back and gist me.”

    We all know men are cheap and so not long after, we had sex. The experience was a different thing entirely. I squirted for the first time. It was amazing. I’d had orgasms before but this was a discovery. He would talk to me during sex and ask me what I wanted him to do or try.

    Seems we all locked down differently.

    After a stint with this friend, I finally felt like I was in charge of my sexual journey. I went ahead to have sex with people I wanted and people that wanted to have sex with me. Some of these experiences were with women and some others with men.

    How would you say sex has been with this new crop of partners?

    Well, so far there have been five men and at some point, I started mentally grading them on different parts of sex. I made a list recently to show my friend the grades. I can show it to you.

    Yes, please.

    I remember asking a friend if she thought it was okay that I was comparing people based on their sexual abilities and she told me, “Nah, men do it too.”

    I wrote the list out to show her what I meant, and she said I wasn’t having enough sex.

    It’s so… detailed.

    Yeah, I just finished a project management course.

    Getting into the list, could you run me through some of these terms?

    Okay, here it goes:

    • Body play: Some partners don’t touch your body. They just see you as tits and ass, no kissing and touching your neck, thighs, arms, back, etc.
    • Cumming: Sometimes the way a person cums can make you cum, so this is important.
    • Safety: Can be anything from cutting their fingernails to whether or not they have condoms or if there are weird people in their house.
    • Positioning: Of all the styles, I really like doggy. Some partners just want to do missionary and be done with it or they put you in weird positions that hurt.
    • Reactions: It’s important that a partner is reacting well to the things being done to them. 

    A lot of the terms are self-explanatory though. Also, I never give an F. The worst is always an E, for effort.

    How would you rate your sex life now over 10?

    I’d rate it an 8/10. I’m having as much sex as I want when I want.

    Edwin Madu

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