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We’ve heard stories of married people flirting and cheating on their spouses. But what about stories from the “cheatees”?
We spoke to six Nigerians who confessed to crushing on married people, and the responses got more than a little interesting.
Image designed by Freepik
Favour, 22
A doctor lived in the same compound as I did in 2022. We just used to greet each other until we got talking — and lowkey, flirting — when I went to charge my devices in his flat one day. Two weeks later, he told me he was travelling for his wedding. I was confused — Did I imagine the flirting?
He came about a week after with his new wife, and I stopped going to his flat, but we still chatted on WhatsApp. We mostly talked about each other’s day, movies and football. I knew I’d caught feelings when I started looking forward to his messages daily. I’m not sure his wife knew about it because, sometimes, we’d chat till midnight. We even sexted one cold night but never referred to it again.
One day in December, I had a health scare, so I went to his flat to seek medical advice. His wife wasn’t home. One thing led to another, and we kissed. He apologised and avoided me after. He even stopped responding to my messages for a while, but I know he 100% wanted me too. He probably just felt guilty, so I gave him space. I moved out in January 2023 because of school, and by February, he was back in my DMs.
Deola*, 27
In 2020, this guy joined the company I used to work at. Let’s call him Dolapo. Dolapo was pretty popular in our industry as this talented creative who’d worked with some well-known people and companies in our industry, and we were all pretty excited to have him come work with us.
Then, he came and ended up being one of those diva creatives with an “artistic temperament” that’s really just laziness if you deep it. Anyway, he was fine (really tall and really dark), and I immediately started crushing on him, but we ended up clashing over work because he absolutely couldn’t meet deadlines.
At some point, I found out from his friend (a fellow co-worker) that he had commitment issues and had sworn never to get married. At first, I wondered why this guy told me this, but much later on, I found out that Dolapo liked me. Some weeks after, our company was organising an annual festival, so we had to lodge in a hotel for some days.
In the office on the day of the first night we would spend in the hotel, another co-worker basically implied (rather explicitly) that we can finally do the “deed” since we’d be spending nights in the same building. She immediately apologised, saying it just fell out of her mouth.
We did nothing during our stay, but then, he started sending me really sweet “talking stage” texts and an office fling started after the festival. Then I found out he had a girl’s photo as his Twitter profile image. It turned out he’d done his court wedding with this girl before he even joined the company, and their wedding pictures were all over the app.
Finding out he was married didn’t stop the fling. We continued making out in the office until he left the company and I left a couple months after. I knew it wouldn’t progress to anything. I wouldn’t have even wanted it to if he was unattached. I just liked how good he was at the performative romance and sex.
Now, he just writes me poems and love letters. He’s since relocated to the US, but his wife was denied visa, so she’s still in Lagos.
Deji*, 32
I work long hours in healthcare, so I’m no stranger to workplace crushes. But there’s only ever been one with a married woman — she’s even my current crush.
I was posted to my current workplace a couple of months ago, and I started working closely with this woman. We became fast friends because we have similar tastes in music and joked about the same things. She’s also really beautiful, and I soon started to fall for her.
I know she’s married, but I think she likes me too. She confides in me and hardly talks about her husband. We greet each other with hugs, and colleagues even jokingly call us “husband and wife”. She also brings me home-cooked meals regularly. I want to make a move, but I’m concerned I might just be reading too much into it, and she’d get offended. But then, what if she’s waiting for me to make a move and is disappointed I haven’t shown interest yet?
Esther*, 24
I’ve always been attracted to married men. I think it’s mostly because I’m not interested in commitment myself, so dating married men is safer. At least, you both know marriage isn’t in the works, so no one is breaking anyone’s heart.
I’ve dated two married men in my life, and I’m currently crushing on one. I know I can’t do more than crush because the person in question is my supervisor. He’s very handsome and kind, but he doesn’t seem like the type to have affairs, so my crush will most likely only ever be a crush.
ALSO READ: These Are the Obvious Signs You’re in Love With Your Boss
Jojo*, 26
My pastor is married, but I’ve had a crush on him since I joined the church two years ago. He has this powerful aura about him that’s just difficult to resist. I’m too sure I’m not the only one crushing on him in the church.
It’s a harmless crush because, of course, I’ll never do anything about it. But I’ll confess I’ve fantasised about being with him more than once. If he was the kind of pastor who dates the ladies in church, I’d have fallen since.
Manuel, 28
I had this huge crush on a fellow corps member in 2021. She was married, but I still find that surprising. Maybe there’s a way I expect married people to act, but she was loud and really free with everyone in camp, especially guys.
We were in the same platoon, and we both volunteered in the kitchen, so we spent time together regularly. She knew I liked her — I didn’t hide it — and she’d jokingly say stuff like, “My husband can fight o. Can you?”
She was so free that till now, I can’t tell if she was flirting with me or just being her free self. Nothing happened between us, and we lost touch after camp, but I still randomly remember her.
*Some names have been changed for anonymity.
NEXT READ: “He Doesn’t Buy Me Stuff” — Nigerian Women on Earning More Than Their Partners
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There’s nothing wrong with trying to spice up your sex game with dirty talk. Just make sure in all you and your partner(s) do, these sentences never leave your mouth. Because it might not end the way you like.
“Get on your knees”
It’s giving secondary school intro tech teacher. Never say this.
“What do you want?”
It’s all fun and games till they ask for the pin to your ATM and your life savings.
“Who fucks you better?”
They might respond with “Your daddy”. Now, what?
“I want you to make a mess for me”
They might take this as a dare, and make a mess with your heart. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
“Show me your tongue”
Make this simple request and watch them tell you ntoor.
“I love you”
It’s fine if you’ve both said these three words before, but if you’re saying it for the first time during sex? You go explain tire.
“I’ll make you scream”
We beg of you. Don’t talk big and make promises you’re not certain you can keep. It’s bad for team spirit.
“Be a good girl for daddy”
It’s all fun and games until it reminds her of her daddy issues. Now, you have to hear her rant about her childhood and play therapist.
“Take this”
You’ll have to be specific. What exactly are you offering?
“Spank me harder!”
Now, they’re giving you strokes that rival the ones you used to get from your parents. Sorry for you.
Get out of bed and buy your tickets to Burning Ram. We have an endless supply of meat.
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While more Nigerians are willing to talk about sexual health in recent days, it’s still a topic shrouded in secrecy and judgment. We still live in a world where people are scared of buying condoms, so it’s not obvious they’re “doing it”.
In a bid to throw more light on the importance of sexual health, six Nigerians talk about their experience with sexually transmitted diseases and how they managed it.
Image designed by Freepik
“Condoms didn’t protect me from getting herpes” — Jane*, 27
I don’t think people talk enough about how STDs and STIs can be gotten even without penetrative sex. I religiously use condoms, but I noticed painful sores close to my vagina about a year ago. I did a couple of tests, and it turned out to be herpes. That’s when I learnt you can also get it by kissing an infected person or via oral sex. It’s incurable, but I manage it with medication to prevent an outbreak — which means a reappearance of symptoms like sores.
“I didn’t even know I had one” — Dave*, 31
I use condoms with sexual partners but not in serious relationships. I also did an HIV test once in 2019, and it was negative, so I thought all was fine. It wasn’t until 2021, when I had to do medicals for travel, that I realised I had an STD. I didn’t even know I had one — there were no symptoms. Thankfully, it was treatable, so it’s long gone.
“I thought it was just a vaginal infection” — Lola*, 22
I’ve had at least three yeast infections since I was a teenager. So when I noticed some foul-smelling discharge two years ago, I thought it was just a simple infection. I tried to treat it with over-the-counter medication used to treat yeast, but it got worse and progressed to random bleeding. I didn’t want to visit a hospital near where I lived to prevent gossip, so I waited until I returned to school to do a test. It was an STD. I started treatment and informed my now-ex-boyfriend — we broke up because we kept accusing each other of infecting the other.
“I think it’ll come back” — Mike*, 29
I first tested positive for gonorrhoea in 2017 after I noticed severe pain in my genitals. The nurse said it was treatable, and I was prescribed a ton of medication. Even though the symptoms subsided, I still felt pain, so I took another test two months later out of curiousity. I still had gonorrhoea. I treated it again and finally stopped having symptoms, but a part of me still thinks it’ll come back. I haven’t tested for it again.
“I think I got it through a sex toy” — Rachel*, 20
I got an STD last year, and I think I got it through a sex toy. I have a roommate, and she has a couple of sex toys. One day, I was really horny, and I used one of hers without her knowledge. I cleaned it after, though.
A couple of weeks later, I started having pelvic pain and discharge, and Google told me it might be an STD. I got a home test kit, which confirmed my suspicion. I think it was the toy because I wasn’t sexually active at the time, and sources online confirm that STDs can be transmitted via sex toys, too. I treated it but didn’t tell my roommate. How would I say I used her sex toy?
“I’m not sure how I got it” — Jem*, 26
I found out I had an STD in 2021 when my partner insisted we got tested before becoming exclusive. It’s not treatable, and I’m not sure how I got it because I practice safe sex most of the time. I’m glad I know now because I now pay more attention to my health. I’m still with my partner, and we practice safe sex all the time.
We’re bringing you a meat festival! Here’s all you need to know about Burning Ram.
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*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
ALSO READ: 3 Things Sexually Active People Should Never Take For Granted
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Considering the amount of time you spend at work compared to anywhere else, your boss might as well be your soul mate, and your co-workers could very well be your partners in one big happy polyamory.
So, no, the fact that these phrases work both during sex and in a corporate setting isn’t weird at all.
“We need to really drill down to get this to work”
Sometimes, good results require intense “drilling”, and for everyone to be willing to put their backs into the task, literally and figuratively.
“Let’s take this offline”
Because some things need privacy, whether it’s calling out a teammate or taking the business off the spicy texts.
“I want to take a deep dive into this”
For when you really want understand a task… or find someone’s g-spot.
“Let’s circle back”
Sometimes, you want to return to a conversation later or get into a particular position that’s one number before 70.
“You always come on time”
There’s only one situation where this is a compliment, honestly.
“Hit me with your best shot”
Sometimes, you need to remind people to give their all. Let’s not waste each other’s time, please.
“You’re so flexible”
Everyone loves the person who can bend over backwards to make sure the work is done.
“Let’s stop to talk about this pain point”
This one is important because why go through something that’s affecting the “business” negatively?
“Teamwork leaves everyone satisfied”
Both in the board room and the other room.
“I’d like to bounce these off you”
For when you want to bounce ideas around. Also works with certain body parts.
“I need you to be more hands-on”
It’s all hands on deck, dear. Again, both literally and figuratively.
“There are so many balls in the air right now”
Corporate people say this when too many things are happening at the same time. But too much of everything is bad, even if it does involve literal balls in the air.
“Let’s leave this on the back burner”
This works in two ways. Either you don’t want to follow through with a suggestion, or you’re feeling a little adventurous.
“You’ll need to increase my salary if you want me to do this”
Like a wise person once said, “Money for hand, back for ground.”
“You’re so experienced”
The only kind of feedback both an employee and sneaky link want to hear.
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NEXT READ: Things You Can Say During Family Dinner And During Sex
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Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
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Talk True is a Zikoko limited series for medical myth-busting. With each episode, we’ll talk to medical professionals about commonly misunderstood health issues to get the actual facts.
Our society’s obsession with vaginas should be the stuff of documentaries at this point. Every market day, you’ll find at least one person sharing their two cents about how a woman with a high body count is more likely to have a loose vagina.
If it’s not that, it’s people touting the wonders of “vagina tightening” creams to battle loose vaginas. It definitely begs the question: Can “too much” sex really loosen a vagina, or is this widespread belief just a myth? Dr Mary Alo provides answers.
Can the vagina even get loose?
To understand where the conversation about sex and loose vaginas may have started, it’s important to know if the vagina can even be said to become loose. Mary explains that it can feel less elastic.
“The vagina is a distensible fibromuscular organ or tube that extends from the cervix to the vulva. In simple terms, it contains muscles which allow it to stretch and lengthen during sexual intercourse and return to its regular length and width after. It’s highly elastic, and some factors like ageing, which comes with lower oestrogen levels, can cause the vagina to become drier and less elastic.”
So, technically, “loose” isn’t the accurate term, as the vagina doesn’t completely lose its stretch. It just becomes less elastic than before.
So, can sex loosen it?
No. Mary confirms it’s physically impossible for penetration to make the vagina less elastic.
“Sex is not enough to destroy the muscles of the vagina to the point where it loses its elasticity. It’s simply incapable.”
Here’s how it works: The vagina’s anatomy allows it to get lubricated and naturally expand when aroused to accommodate a penis or sex toy. Immediately after intercourse, the vagina returns to its regular state.
What factors can contribute to a loose vagina?
Mary explains that only two factors can alter the vagina’s elasticity: Childbirth and age.
“During childbirth, the muscles of the vagina stretch considerably to accommodate the baby’s size, and this typically results in weakened vaginal muscles. But even then, the muscles go back to normal in about 6 – 12 weeks. However, things like multiple childbirth and trauma during delivery may weaken the muscles even more and increase the risk for the muscles to start losing stretch.
For ageing, as I explained earlier, oestrogen levels dip when women become menopausal, which in turn affects vaginal elasticity.”
Ageing is also associated with a weakened pelvic floor, as a result of decreased collagen production; a structural protein that serves as the main component of the body’s connective tissues. The pelvic floor contains muscles that strengthen the vagina, so when they become weak, the vagina is unable to stretch and relax as it normally should, making it less elastic.
Can the vagina become “tight” again?
We’ve determined that the vagina doesn’t exactly become “loose”, so it can’t be said to be “tight” either, unless you’re talking about vaginismus.
However, you can strengthen the muscles around the vagina to help elasticity and enable it to contract/stretch and relax as it should.
“In the event that childbirth contributes to weakened vaginal muscles, exercises like kegels help strengthen the pelvic floor, and tighten the muscles around the vagina. They’re also the safest option.
For ageing, therapy options like providing synthetic hormones to postmenopausal women help. In some cases, more advanced procedures like laser and radiofrequency tightening and vaginoplasty may be advised. However, these have a certain level of risk and should only be done by licensed medical practitioners.
In response to whether the “vagina tightening” creams and gels marketed by so-called wellness experts work as well, Mary responds in the negative.
“What most of these creams and gels do is dry out the mucosal lining of the vagina, thereby decreasing lubrication. Without lubrication, there’d be more friction during intercourse which gives the false sense that the vagina is tighter. The vagina stretches to accommodate the penis with help from lubrication. If that’s absent, users of these creams may experience temporary swelling of the vaginal tissues from friction which is termed to be “tightening” but is short-lived.
Some of these creams also have astringent qualities that tighten the vaginal walls for a short time, but it’s not a permanent option. It’s also unsafe because it can result in pain and micro tears in the vagina, leaving it vulnerable to infection and inflammation”.
This should be your reaction if anyone tries to sell it to you
The takeaway
No amount of penetrative sex can loosen the vagina, whether with multiple sexual partners or one. The only factors that can make the vagina lose its elasticity are childbirth and age. Even then, there are options to improve elasticity, and kegel exercises are the safest bet. So, if anyone makes a claim about a woman’s vagina being “wide” because she’s had many partners, feel free to hit them *figuratively* with facts.
NEXT READ: Talk True: Is Period Syncing a Real Thing?
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Sexual fetishes and meals are two completely different things. But they have a lot more in common than you think.
Yam = choking
Source: Zikoko Memes The way yam (especially the head) hooks your throat is just too similar to choking during sex.
Semo = BDSM
Source: Zikoko Memes Semo gives punishment vibes. Semo lovers will argue that it slaps, but that proves my point — BDSM.
Puff puff = public sex
Source: Zikoko Memes Ever wondered why puff puff is only available outside, on the streets? The best ones are either hawked or fried and sold at the bus stop.
Rice = role play
Source: Zikoko Memes Rice is the most versatile meal in this world (argue with your laptop). From fried to coconut, white, ofada, banga, seafood, special, tuwo shinkafa, and of course, the GOAT, jollof rice. It’s the GOAT of meals.
Yoruba stew = masochism
Source: Zikoko Memes You like pain? Then nothing screams it more than Yoruba stew. You see someone who eats shaki with their eyes wide open? Yea I’m willing to bet good money that masochism is their sexual fantasy.
Ewedu = oral sex
Source: Zikoko Memes Eating ewedu just before giving head. I won’t explain further.
Cake = group sex
Source: Zikoko Memes It’s pretty clear. You never eat cake alone.
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You’ve been having sex with a particular person who stays over at your house a lot. And you think it’s because they like you and like spending time with you. Well, we’re here to tell you they might actually be homeless and looking for a place to sleep without having to pay rent.
If they do these things, they’re definitely using you for accommodation.
They only call at night
You don’t hear from them throughout the day, not even a text or a funny Tiktok video sent your way. You text them, and they leave your message on delivered. Then at night, they call to say they were busy. Next thing, “Are you home?”
Because it’s time to sleep, and they need a home.
You’ve never been to their house
Anytime you ask about going over to their house, they make up excuses like they have a roommate or live with their parents. My dear, they have no house for them to invite you to because they’re homeless. Your home is their home.
They start coming over without asking
It gets to a point where they come over without informing you. To them, it’s basically “going home”. Before you know it, they’re asking for a key. Send that person back to the streets now!
The sex is mid
They don’t put in effort during sex because they don’t really like you. But sex is the only way you’ll allow them sleep over at your house, so they give you the best they can muster up.
They always have some type of bag
Even when they tell you they don’t plan to sleep over (big lie), they always come with a bag. If you ask what’s inside, they’ll say, “Random stuff”. But somehow, they always have toiletries and clothes to wear the next day.
They start to leave things behind
They’ll play it off as “Oh, I forgot”, till you see half of their clothes and underwear in your closet. They’ve moved in, my dear, and you guys aren’t even dating.
They’re around all the time
You see them even on nights you just want to be by yourself. No way the sex is good enough for them to be in your house Monday to Sunday.
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Before you go for your next “appointment”, you need to update your playlist. Take this quiz to see what song to add.
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With all the sex you’re having, it’s bound to get boring soon. Take this quiz for a tip to spice things up.
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There’s a high chance you’ve heard about the #NoNutNovember challenge. The rules for the challenge are simple: step into November, and do your best not to cum for 30 days.
While I initially thought the #NoNutNovember challenge was just social media bants. I recently realised some people, mostly men, take it seriously. But why? And most importantly, does anyone really make it to the finish line?
I spoke to eight Nigerian men, and this is what they had to say about the #NoNutNovember challenge.
“Getting myself off is the only thing that can lift my mood free of charge.”
— Tejiro, 30
Nigeria is already hard, and someone out there expects me to do the #NoNutNovember challenge? God forbid. The way prices are rising daily, doing fun things is becoming a luxury for me. I can’t say I want to go bowling or drinking anymore because it’ll shake my pocket. Even food, a bloody necessity, is expensive AF right now. Getting myself off is literally the only thing that can lift my mood without me having to answer, “Savings or current?” I’m not giving it up for some childish challenge.
“As a happily married man, #NoNutNovember is not for me.“
— James, 28
Are people really doing #NoNutNovember? As a happily married man, that can never be me. Even if I wanted to, I’d have to bring my wife on board because my thing is for both of us. Sex is a huge part of our relationship, and we didn’t get married in our 20s to not be having it up and down. Maybe the challenge is for single people, not people like me.
“It’s been very challenging, but I’ve stuck to it.”
— Olawale, 33
I told myself I’d try the #NoNutNovember challenge in 2022, and I’ve stuck to it. I won’t say I was addicted to masturbating, but it became a daily shower ritual after I turned 17.
Doing this challenge has been, no pun intended, very challenging. I’m not going to lie, it’s helped me focus more in the gym and at work. Plus, I save a lot of time in the mornings. I used to spend almost an hour on masturbation because picking the right video or picture was always a tough choice. I find one and keep thinking, “What if the next page or site has a better video?”“This is my fifth year trying and failing to complete the #NoNutNovember challenge.”
— Uzoma, 25
I don’t know how people pull off #NoNutNovember because this is my fifth year trying and failing to see it through till the end. The longest I’ve lasted was 12 days back in 2019.
The challenge started as a bet between my friends and me to see how long we could go. None of us has made it through the whole month, but it’s something that bonds us together, even though monitoring another man’s masturbation or sex schedule sounds really weird.
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“I’ve been doing this for two years; one month doesn’t make a difference.”
— David, 38
I’ve chosen to be celibate for 29 months now, and staying off masturbation is part of my plan.
I was in a committed relationship until 2020 when my girlfriend caught me cheating. I realised my obsession with sex ruined our relationship, so I decided not to have sex again until I was in another committed relationship. This #NoNutNovember is a regular month for me. Imagine guys crying about one month when I’ve been on this journey since June 2020.
“I have zero motivation to subject myself to sexual torture.”
— Ayobami, 20
I can’t do #NoNutNovember, so I don’t even try. I love sex, and it’s all around me, from the people I’m dating to my Twitter timeline, which always has porn one way or the other.
More power to all the men doing it, but unless I missed the memo on the prize money involved, I have zero motivation to subject myself to sexual torture for bants.“This challenge has saved me the stress of going through drama just to have sex.”
— Onome, 29
I decided to try the #NoNutNovember challenge unprovoked for the first time this year, and I’m crushing it. I’d always seen people talk about it on social media, but I didn’t really think anyone was doing it. Out of boredom, and because I’m a single pringle now, I decided to try it out this month, and it’s not been so bad.
Yes, I miss sex a lot, but the whole drama of talking to someone and planning the sex has been a massive burden off my shoulders. I don’t know if I’d be this successful if I was still with my girlfriend sha. I’d have failed from day one.
“#NoNutNovember, to what end?”
— Hassan, 30
#NoNutNovember? Please and please, life is too short for me to play rough games like that. I’m sure I could pull it off if I really wanted to, but to what end? I can be disciplined when it comes to sex without starving myself of it completely. Good luck to all the guys doing it, but I’m way too hot to deprive the world of my sexual gifts. No, thank you.
ALSO READ: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Discovering Masturbation
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Whether we want to admit it or not, men love being called “Daddy”. There’s just something about being called Daddy by someone you’re doing genital meet-and-greet with that makes you buga with vim.
But how do you get your lover to call you daddy without getting them pregnant? Let me help you.
Grow a beard
To move to Daddy status, you need a beard. Beardless men are cute, but if you want to be dangerously sexy, this is where the beard comes in. You can try any of these tips if your beard is not clicking.
Learn how to reverse and parallel park with one hand
The gworls that get it, get it. Men who can drive with one hand and do it well are just sexy AF — maybe it’s the increased danger or the illusion of being in control. I don’t really know why but it just gets everywhere wet sha.
Go bald
I’m not talking about small low-cut hair, I mean the type of baldness where people can see their reflections when they look at your head. If you don’t believe me, look at Lynxx, RMD and Banky W.
Become a billionaire
There’s nothing money cannot do. With a couple more zeros in your bank account, best believe even straight men will start calling you daddy. Money stops nonsense.
Flirt like an old man
I don’t have tips for this, but you can ask your father how he landed your mother and use the same lines on anyone you find attractive.
Start listening to Sunny Ade, KWAM1 and Osadebe
You want to be a daddy with a capital D, and you’re on TikTok doing the #kulosachallenge? Let’s be serious here. Daddy status is a state of mind, and you must musically feed your mind with the classics. Burst out the Sunny Ade vibes and complain about how the music of “this” generation isn’t hitting like it used to.
RECOMMENDED: 11 Signs You’re Not Ready To Be A Billionaire
Legally change your name to Daddy
Changing your name to Daddy in a court of law is probably the fastest way to get your lover to call you by that name. Technically, it’s your real name now, so they don’t have a choice.
Start wearing trad
Get rid of the ripped jeans and oversized t-shirts and start wearing trads asaptually. Make sure you have at least three agbadas if you want to get to that Daddy status on time.
Put your lover on an allowance
If you want to replace their father, you might as well replace him financially too. Go all the way.
Always bring them breakfast in bed
I know it sounds like houseboy work, but trust me, it’ll change how your lover looks at you. By the way, try switching the food you’re giving them. Not every day, pancakes and bacon, sometimes throw in a little pap and akara or pounded yam and egusi after intense fornication so they can renew their energy.
Pay for their house rent
If you pay for your lover’s apartment, it means they’re living in their father’s house, and since you paid, you’re now their Daddy. Does it make sense, or do you need a graph for further explanation?
ALSO READ: 10 Reasons Why Bald Men Are Happier Than You
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We don’t see why anyone should be having sex in this economy. But if you must, you should at least get above 10 on this quiz.
Questions
This is a question
Only choose the ones that apply to you:
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old lesbian who finds it difficult to orgasm with partners. She talks about only ever having orgasms she gives herself and having sex for intimacy.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
One day, my 14-year-old self was taking a shower. And I touched something that felt good. When I went back to my room, I decided to find out what the feeling was. After lights out, I touched myself till I had an orgasm. It felt really good, and it became something I did frequently. Whenever I got the chance, I masturbated.
My first sexual experience with someone else wasn’t until a year later. There was this girl in the room beside mine. We’d become very close within our first few weeks of talking, and had progressed from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, to cuddling each other through the night.
One night, she woke me up because she wanted to talk. After a while of staring at me as I spoke, she kissed me. It was a kind kiss, like she was testing the waters. It felt nice.
Did it progress past that?
No, it didn’t. But after a while, the kisses were very heavy. I wanted to have sex with her, but there were people around and she was hesitant. I walked her back to her room, and she kissed me again.
The entirety of my relationship with her constituted of stolen kisses. Then when the school term was over, I transferred to another school and that put an end to it.
In the new school, there was this girl I really liked. When I told the new friends I’d made in my all girls’ school, they tried to set us up. It worked, and the girl and I started dating. So even though I’d tried to suppress how I viewed women, because a friend of mine said it was wrong, it didn’t last.
Hooking up with her wasn’t anything special. She had long fingers, but it felt like she didn’t know what she was doing. It wasn’t really a comfortable experience. The kisses were nice though because I liked her, but her lips were always cold. We parted ways after she started being abusive toward me.
RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm
I’m so sorry about that
It’s okay. She kept trying to put me down and dictate who I spoke to. Then she’d come to beg me with money or ridiculous gifts.
The relationship ended just as my secondary school experience was ending. When I got into university, I met a guy, and we started dating. The first time we hooked up was in his mum’s shop. She was gone for some business, and he had to man the shop. I came over to keep him company, but we ended up going into the inner room to have sex.
How was it?
Well, for one, it really helped reinforce the fact that I was a lesbian. I wasn’t interested in his orgasm, and I knew it would not be possible for me to have one anyways.
But we dated for about a year and some months.
Why did you stay if you were a lesbian?
I was battling some religious guilt. I’d gotten more involved in religion at the time, and lesbianism seemed like a much worse sin than regular fornication.
And now?
I’m a lesbian with my full chest. The only problem is I’m a lesbian who isn’t having any orgasms that aren’t self-given.
How come?
I don’t know. After I broke up with the guy, I got involved with two more women. I loved having sex with them, but it was never enough to get me to orgasm. Luckily for me, I wasn’t into sex for the orgasms.
What were you in it for?
The intimacy. I’ve been a lonely person for as long as I can remember. The only times I’ve felt a sliver of the kind of intimacy I read about in books, was when I was having sex. The eye contact, the way they speak to me and hold me makes me feel wanted. That’s all I needed from sex. If I want to have an orgasm, I can do it myself.
However, it made me feel really bad. Like there was something wrong with me that made it impossible for a partner to give me an orgasm, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I didn’t like knowing a woman I liked might also never fully enjoy sex if her enjoyment relied on making her partner have an orgasm.
Do you think there was something they weren’t doing right?
No, actually. I just feel like it’s my cross to bear. I enjoy sex, but sex with another person might never give me an orgasm.
I do know, however, that when I went on medication for my depression in 2020, having an orgasm by myself became even more difficult. It’s like the medication killed whatever I had left of a sex drive. I couldn’t even masturbate because I felt so dry. It was so bad, I thought I was asexual. But then the doctors switched up my medication and orgasms became attainable and enjoyable again. Still, I haven’t tried sex with another person for a whole year.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Chase Orgasms But Medication Makes It Hard
Why?
Well, since intimacy is what I really look forward to when it comes to sex, I can’t hook up with someone I don’t have romantic feelings for. And after my last relationship ended, I haven’t been able to fall in love with anyone.
Sure, I’ve bought a vibrator to keep me company, but that takes away whatever form of intimacy I could have gotten from masturbating. I’m not even touching myself. There’s a machine doing the work.
How’d you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?
A -2. I feel like a burden to everyone I’ve had sex with. I just wish I was normal and could get both intimacy and orgasms from sex.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex
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Some people will say sex is a sin. Whether or not that’s true, we can all agree bad sex is a waste of sin. Here are eight tricks to make it last longer and be more pleasurable for you and your partner.
Eat Bananas
First of all, get rid of the dirty thought that just crossed your mind. Bananas actually contain a lot of potassium that helps with vitality. Also, they restore your glucose levels and increase your sex drive.
Stop getting drunk
Only hobbits are allowed to drink all they want without consequences. Taking too much alcohol can prevent you from being in the moment and enjoying what you’re doing. No one wants an absent-minded sexual partner.
Take a lot of pepper
Finally, some vindication for the Yoruba people. They were right all along. Eating hot pepper actually helps build endurance. It also boosts recovery, meaning you’re ready to go for season 2 in no time. If you want to last longer in bed, here’s your best bet.
Eat tiger nuts
You probably know this one already, but we’re here to remind you. Tiger nuts are notorious for being an OG aphrodisiac that’ll take you as far you want during sex. Just don’t overdo it, we’re begging you. You’ll last longer in bed, but sin with caution.
Take a lot of Vitamin D
No, we’re not trying to play mind games with you, stop asking us what we mean. It means exactly what it says. If you’re wondering which fruits you should eat to get this, that’s simple. The next time you’re making a smoothie, just make sure you have a lot of oranges and almonds. If you don’t like those, then egg yolks and fish work just as well.
Foreplay is also sex
Having sex with no foreplay is like starting a book from the middle. You’ll obviously finish faster, and probably with a terrible understanding of what’s going on. Invest in your foreplay game. Don’t you love when a good movie whets your appetite with a slam dunk trailer?
Exercise more
Some people will say having sex already counts as exercise. But squats and biceps training actually help you perform better when it’s time for some action.
Switch up the position
Some positions actually make it easier for you to climax. If you’re looking to prolong things, you probably want to find a position that makes it harder.
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Trust Zikoko to know what you do behind closed doors. So take this quiz and we’ll give you a special nickname in bed.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who loves butts. She talks to me about how a woman eating her ass started her obsession with anal pleasure.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
A few months after I clocked 18, I decided to have sex for the first time. Almost all my friends were having sex, and although they never tried to pressure me, I was curious. I wanted to see what it was like and get the whole hymen-tearing process over with. I introduced the idea to my then-boyfriend, who was excited, so we set a date to make it happen.
The day I had sex, he was more nervous than I. I knew I might not enjoy it, but I wanted to just start so we could proceed to have enjoyable sex.
RELATED: Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27
How did it turn out?
My expectations were really low, but it wasn’t that bad. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought, and when he put it in and started to move his hips, I actually heard a pop sound. It made me laugh a bit because I finally “popped” my cherry.
My boyfriend wasn’t as inexperienced as me, so he guided me through many things, like how to move and at what speed. It was nice, and I won’t say it was a bad experience. It just could’ve been better.
What would’ve made it better?
Well, he could’ve cared more about my pleasure than he did. Since he was the more experienced one, he told me things to do that made him feel good. Some of it wasn’t fun, but I did it anyway. He didn’t even try to eat me out. We had sex about four times, he came, and I didn’t. So, I may’ve had sex, but I didn’t have an orgasm.
Did you eventually have an orgasm?
Yes, but not with him. On my journey to understanding my body more, I decided to try masturbating. A friend of mine had mentioned how her sex life improved when she tried it, so I decided to give it a go. Before then, the closest I’d had to an orgasm was the slight relief I felt when I squeezed my thighs really hard.
So I read an erotic book to get horny. Nobody was home when I decided to try it out. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I remember my friend telling me I should just touch everywhere and I’d figure out a rhythm on my own. I did.
When the orgasm came, I felt like I had a heart attack, but the good kind. I stopped breathing for a bit, and I started to shake uncontrollably. When it subsided, I fell asleep. I woke up deciding to never settle for mediocre sex again. Orgasms felt great, and I wanted to have them as often as possible.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day
How did you plan on achieving that?
By having as much sex as possible. I mean, touching myself was nice, but it was also limited. I tried to introduce certain concepts to my boyfriend, like getting him to eat me out, but he said it wasn’t and would never really be his thing. He did try to finger me, but I didn’t enjoy that as much.
After a couple of months of having not-so-great sex with my boyfriend, we broke up. Then at 19, I decided to use my newfound freedom to explore what I’d actually like, so I started sleeping with many people. Most of them were my friends who had shown interest in me before I got with my boyfriend.
They told me it felt like an animal had been let loose in me. I had four men I slept with consistently over a period of time. So although I was having a lot of good sex, it was with only these four men. That was the state of my life for about a year and some months, then I slept with a woman for the first time.
Your Sex Life subject could be LGBTQ…
LMAO. But yes. At that point, my roster of men had reduced to just two because two of them had found girlfriends, and I was not interested in being the side chick. While I was hanging out with one of the men, he told me about how his female friend thought I was very beautiful, and if I was open to having her join us.
I’d never had sex with a woman, but the idea did appeal to me, and 21 was as good an age as any to start. But I told him that before she joins us, I had to have sex with her 1-on-1 to see if there’d be chemistry. She was so beautiful. When he sent me her pictures, at first, I couldn’t believe she thought I was attractive enough to sleep with.
The day we linked up, I found myself actually trying to put in an effort because I wanted to impress her. She was really sweet to me but also a little awkward, so I didn’t know what to expect. We talked a bit and drank some alcohol, and then, she asked to kiss me. It automatically became the best first kiss I’d ever had.
When we started taking our clothes off, she insisted on eating me out, and I realised why. It was because she was great at it. She momentarily shut down my ability to think and was actually the first person to ever ask to eat me out. She also talked a lot, and I realised I liked hearing the sound of another person’s voice during sex. I came at least twice before she asked me to flip over and she went back to eating me out as I lay arched on my stomach.
After a while, she mentioned she wanted to try something with my ass. I had never tried anything there other than a finger, but what she was doing was so good, I trusted her with my care. That’s when I felt her tongue in my bum. Everything felt so good at once that I thought God was going to come down and collect me. Luckily, He didn’t.
By the time my orgasm subsided, I couldn’t go on any more. I needed to catch my breath because of how strong it was. Plus, I hadn’t done anything to her so I felt bad. But when I moved to touch her, she told me I didn’t have to, and I should just rest.
The threesome with the man never happened because I was too involved in having sex with her. She introduced me to a lot of butt stuff.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to Be Touched During Sex
Poor guy. But tell me about the butt stuff
While I was experimenting with different things for vaginal and oral orgasms, I never thought an anal one was possible. It just felt too dirty to attempt. Then I thought of how almost every sexual practice can seem dirty to whoever isn’t interested in it. I was on a purely hedonistic journey; my goal was to enjoy all of life’s pleasures wholly and fully.
She was also so patient and kind in explaining all of it to me. She was the first person I tried anal with, and I didn’t know there was a lot of prep that goes into it. I thought all you needed was lube and prayer, but we prepped me for anal over a period of 2-4 days using butt plugs, oils and lube. When I eventually tried it? It felt so amazing.
She really rocked my world, and I had a lot of firsts with her, but one thing I really liked was when she did anything with my bum. Spanking it, touching it, penetrating, eating? It was great. We exclusively slept together for some months before we called it off. She fell in love with me, and I wasn’t about that relationship life anymore. I just wanted to have sex.
She was out of the picture. What then?
Well, I met some other people, but they weren’t as interested in my ass as she was. I was having enjoyable sex, but I knew it could be better.
Then I met a man at a party, we went back to his place and did the usual. I stayed the night and he offered to bathe me. After we had our shower, we had sex again, and I decided to try eating ass for the first time. I brought it up to him and he seemed down for it. So, I did it.
I didn’t know if I was doing it well, but he looked like he was enjoying himself so much. After he came, I asked him if he liked it. He did. We talked about it, and he told me about his fascination with what he considered the male g-spot. He said women thought he was gay when he brought it up, so he didn’t bother. With him, I was introduced to more things I could do with butts. I was ecstatic.
Sounds buttiful. Tell me about them
Well, he let me peg him one day. My first time wasn’t so great because I’d actually never used a strap-on with anyone, but he taught me how to thrust and keep up the rhythm. One day, I gave him his first orgasm with a strap-on, and I felt like I’d unlocked a dangerous power.
Level up
LMAO. Exactly. The guy and I still see each other occasionally to have sex, and he lets me wear my strap-on sometimes. I enjoy a lot of things during sex, but there’s nothing I enjoy as much as having my butthole stimulated. It could be with fingers, mouth, dildos or penises.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Own Six Sex Toys and I Want More
Does it get hard finding people who like it as much as you do?
Yeah, I mean, Nigerians aren’t the most adventurous people. A lot of people draw the line at eating ass and having their ass ate. Not so fun for me since it’s my favourite thing to do.
That’s why when I find someone who’s interested, I try to hold them tight. I talk to them about it, talk them through it and try to make it as pleasurable for both of us as possible.
Do you think more people should give anal activities a try?
Absolutely! They shouldn’t cross it out completely. But my advice is don’t try it with just any Nigerian man.
I tried to bring it up with a guy once. When he pulled down his boxers, and I got close to his ass, I was repulsed. Chai. Some people are one-kind. I advise you only do it with people whose hygiene you’re sure of, people you trust. When I initiate butt stuff most times, I always make sure we’ve both had a good shower to scrub everywhere scrubbable before we get into it. Some people find it insulting when I insist they have a bath, but that’s their business.
How would you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10
9.5. I’m having a really great time with my five sexual partners. Even the ones who don’t want to have anything to do with asses. My orgasms are frequent, and my skin is glowing. What more can I ask for?
RELATED: Sex Life: Sex With My Partners Got Better in My 30’s
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who owns half a dozen sex toys and wants more. She talks about her sex toy curiosity, the trial and errors before she found the perfect ones and how she navigates sex with people.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I’d always known I was queer ever since I was a little child. When everyone did all the variations of “mummy and daddy” play, mine was always with a girl. That’s why it made sense my first time was with a girl.
I was 14, and she was someone I’d had a crush on in secondary school. A few weeks after we graduated, she invited me over to her house when no one was home. After a while, we kissed, and she went to lock the doors so nobody could come in.
I was new to sexual activities, so I wasn’t comfortable with anything being done to me. Since she was more knowledgeable, she took off her clothes and guided me on what to do. It was really nice just pleasuring her. And after that was done, we went to the bathroom and made out.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to be Touched During Sex
First sexual experience down, what was next?
Well, university. Growing up, I stayed home a lot, so being in university was like letting loose. I was very open about my sexuality, so I didn’t lack women to sleep with, but they were usually in serious relationships with their boyfriends or even engaged. Did it bother me? No. It was still great.
They would talk about how great sex with me was, and it helped me try to do better. I really enjoyed making sure people had a good time with me. I was young and having sex with all sorts of people. Maybe that’s why I even tried to sleep with men.
LMAO. How did that go?
It can’t happen. It’s like trying to make two like sides of a magnet attract each other. Sure, I find specific type of men really beautiful because, I mean, I’m queer not blind. But I just couldn’t do it.
Even if it’s possible for any reason to find intimacy with men outside the platonic, I can’t morph it into sex or anything serious. So, I’m sticking to having sex with women. Then when I was 19, I decided to buy my very first sex toy.
Why did you decide to buy one?
Well, for as long as I can remember, I’d always wanted one. I would read reviews online from women talking about how sex toys changed their lives, and I wanted to feel what they were feeling. So I bought my very first bullet vibrator.
I won’t lie, it wasn’t so great. The vibrations were too strong and it stopped working after a few days, so I gave up on my sex toy journey. But then, two years later, my birthday was around the corner and my friend had asked me what I wanted. I told her a rabbit vibrator. I thought it looked pretty.
New vibrator, new you?
At all. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like penetration as much, so why did I go ahead and get a fat toy bigger than three fingers to move its head inside me!?!?!
Lucking out twice with sex toys made me think people were lying about these things on the internet.
While I was still figuring out what to do with the rabbit, I tried the clitoral part of it and that felt nice. So I started doing research on sex toys that offered clitoral stimulation.
Did you eventually find one that works?
Yes, with the help of one of my coworkers at the time. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she told me how she got her first wand and how pleasure almost killed her. So she bought one for me.
Best in coworker tbh. What was it like when you tried it?
I showered first, put on some candles, played some music, then started exploring different parts of my body and the wand’s different modes. I came so much, I started crying. I looked at the toy and kept going “God, abeg”. Honestly, I thought it was trying to take me to see my maker. Never in my life had I had orgasms so intense. I knew I’d found the perfect toy, and it turned me into a sex toy enthusiast.
I was preaching the gospel of sex toys to everyone and even bought for some people. The most important thing was it felt so good, I kept buying more.
How many do you have now?
I have two wands, one clit sucker that might one day kill me, a remote-controlled dolphin-shaped vibrator, a finger vibrator and a butt plug. So, I have six, but I want more.
Sex toys have really helped me connect with myself to find more places I could touch to evoke things. Every time I think my body is used to one thing, I get a new sex toy, and it’s like, “Surprise! Here’s something you didn’t know your body could do”.
The end goal is to have at least a dozen and keep them in a little room.
RELATED: QUIZ: Which Sex Toy Are You?
And what about sex with other people?
That’s still great. Sometimes, I introduce toys to my partners; other times, I don’t. The first time I tried it, I was 22 and was boasting about how the sex toy would make her see heaven. She not only saw heaven but brought the rains of heaven all over my body and sheets. It was amazing to watch.
A lot of people think once you start using sex toys a lot, you can’t have sex with other people, and that’s just not true. Yes, my toys are great, but sometimes, you crave physical connection. A clit sucker doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how great it is to have a real tongue. In fact, sometimes, I forget I have the toys. Then when I’m feeling it, I use them.
Human connection and sex toys can coexist, and it won’t ruin your life. You’d have the best of both worlds.
Interesting. Anything else you’ve learnt from using all those sex toys?
Well, for one, just because a sex toy made your friend orgasm till they couldn’t walk doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. People’s bodies are different, which means they react to sex toys differently.
Also, even if wands are your go-to sex toy, it doesn’t mean every wand will work well. They’re made by different companies with different speeds, modes and other things. There might be some trial and error, but if you know the kind of pleasure you’re looking for, you’d figure it out.
What’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
An 8.9. I’m having pretty great sex. Now when I consider trying a new sex toy, it could be for myself or one I want to try with someone else. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, I dump it and try another one.
RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm
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Have you slept with just your partner this year or all your friends’ partners?
Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old man who’s spent most of his sexual life making up for not knowing women could have orgasms. He talks to us about researching how to be a better partner and how he thinks he’s all sexed out.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was kind of a church boy, so I never did anything more than kiss here and there, but that changed one day.
When I was 17 years old and in 100 level, I had a girlfriend. One night, she came to my room and we started kissing; she wanted to have sex. I tried to play it cool, but since I thought girls had their sexual organs in the same place as guys, I was humping the vulva excitedly. When she guided my penis into her vagina, I lost it. I didn’t last for up to a minute and came shaking all the way.
I had mixed feelings because I felt I didn’t do too well but was also happy I‘d just bust my first nut. I realised I had to step up my sex game either way.
RELATED: Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27
LMAO. How did you plan on doing that?
Well, I did a little research. I read a book that taught me how to pleasure a woman’s body. I also watched a lot of porn to know how to have oral sex, what sexual positions to try and to help me masturbate so I could control my body more.
The first time I tried to masturbate, I was watching porn. While they were getting at it, my dick was hard and I started stroking it. It was a bit painful, so I went to get soap on my hands and it felt really good.
RELATED: Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex
And sex?
I went abstinent for a year till I’d figured it out, and it helped that my girlfriend and I had broken up during this period. I was able to fully stay away from sex.
A few months after I’d clocked 18, I had another girlfriend. This time, I was ready to put into practice all I’d learnt. Before our first time together, I’d masturbated to remove the anxiety so I won’t cum too quickly.
When she came over, I made sure there was a lot of foreplay. I kissed and touched her in all her erogenous zones and gave her head. She was ecstatic, and I was feeling like a man. I could see a bit of satisfaction in her eyes. I also lasted longer than the last time, but I still felt I hadn’t done enough.
Ah. Why?
Because at that time, I didn’t know women could have orgasms. All the research I did about having better sex was just so I could last longer and feel better about myself. It was very selfish. I thought after I came, the party was over. It wasn’t until I met another woman during my service year that my perspective changed.
How?
We met at my PPA and went to a party together. She moved to me and we went back to my place. She was very communicative about what she wanted and how she wanted it. That’s when I realised it was something I’d lacked in my previous sexual encounters. I didn’t ask questions, and they didn’t talk to me.
Having sex with her that day, at the ripe old age of 22, was when I made a woman orgasm for the first time, and something shifted in me. I realised you have to make your woman feel good because when it comes to sex, she’s the priority. And communication is very important.
How did you know she actually had an orgasm?
She was clawing at my back and shouting “I’m cumming, babe”. I think that covers it.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day
Fairs. How was sex like after this discovery?
We had sex every day.
Were you not tired? Hungry? Employed?
LMAO. I was, but we kept trying out so many new things. We’d role play, try new positions and just find new ways to have sex. It was wild and fun. She even tried to peg me, but it hurt and we didn’t try it again.
I wanted to marry her, so we had to get genotype testing. Unfortunately, that’s when we both discovered we were AS, and we had to end the beautiful relationship.
I’m so sorry
Thank you. I mean, we cut our losses and moved on.
I was ready to put all the new information I’d gathered to use. And getting women wasn’t difficult for me because I knew how to talk to them, but I couldn’t have sex with women I wasn’t emotionally invested in. It means we’d both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about the things we’d like to do.
It was fun and interesting for a while, but I think I’ve gotten to the point where my sex life has dwindled. At this point, there are only three things I haven’t done. An orgy, a threesome and sex with a foreigner. So, there’s nothing about sex I find exciting anymore.
I’m just trying to find someone I like very much so I can settle down. My goal was to make up for all the women I had sex with and didn’t give orgasms, and I’ve done that.
Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10
7. I’ve had great sex up until this moment, and I want to just lock down my person.
RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old virgin. She talks about how she’s only been kissed twice, her inability to orgasm when she masturbates and waiting till marriage to have sex.
Tell me something interesting about your sex life
When I was 12 years old, we had a jumat session in school that centered around chastity and modesty for Muslims. After the session, I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex.
So, you’ve never done anything sexual since then?
Not really. When I was 13 years old, I masturbated for the first time. I was the only one at home because it was during those long JS 3 holidays. I enjoyed reading erotica and historical romance books with very descriptive sex scenes in them. I was reading one of such books when I found myself rubbing and grinding against the pillow. Since it was one of the rare moments I had the entire house to myself, I went at it for a bit. I like to consider it as the day I discovered what my vagina could do. Before then, I’d only considered it for sex and reproduction; discovering orgasms was very nice.
Did masturbation become a regular thing?
Not at all. When I resumed school, I didn’t even try it again. In university, I neither had the privacy nor time to dwell on sexual attraction not to talk of masturbating. I was trying to focus in school plus I had to share accommodation.
RELATED: Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction
Damn
When I was 18, I kissed a guy for the first time. I’d met him during night class and, according to him, as I was talking animatedly with my friends, he got mesmerised. I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. The only reason I agreed to even date him was because it seemed like the next step for me. I was in my first year, and all my friends had boyfriends.
So, back to that kiss
The night I agreed to date him, he kissed me while we sat in his friend’s car. He kept biting at my lips, and I couldn’t reciprocate whatever it was he was doing because I wasn’t feeling him at all. My body was refusing to respond. I just kept waiting for the kiss to end.
Bad first kisses<<<< Did you try kissing again after that?
Yes, I did. When I was 20, I met another boy. I saw him and instantly liked him. It was easy for me to agree to date him. We were on holiday when the relationship started, so most of it was over the phone. As the conversation progressed, I wasn’t sure I fucked with him, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because we hadn’t seen each other properly. I also remembered how quickly I ended things with the last guy.
When we did eventually resume school as a couple, I realised as much as I liked him, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. We hung out a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me. Unlike the last guy I kissed, I tried to put in a lot of action, but I still didn’t enjoy the kiss. I endured the relationship for another few weeks before ending it.
Honestly, the most I’ve ever done with a guy is sext, and even that was hard because not only was it something I’d never done before, I was sharing a room with my cousin. I tried my best, and I hope all my years of reading romance novels didn’t waste.
RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive
Does the whole waiting till marriage thing get hard?
Very. At first, it wasn’t so difficult, but then, I clocked 25 and my sexual urges doubled. I started thinking about sex so much. If you could peep into my brain, 90% of the thoughts are about sex. My body just wants to have sex. That’s when period, ovulation and just regular horniness started. So, I decided to try masturbating again.
How did that go?
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to recreate the orgasm from the first time when I was 13. The most I get is a mild tingling sensation in my legs. Maybe that’s why I don’t do it more than two or three times a year. I’ve thought of trying toys, but I live with my mum and there’s no privacy in that house. No matter where I hide it, it’ll be found and I’d get into trouble.
Omo, till marriage then fr
I’m kinda resolved about that decision. I’m certain except something completely out of my control happens, I won’t have sex outside of marriage. I’ve already done 27 years, what’s a little more? This is me assuming I’ll be married in a few years. Maybe we should do an update if I’m still unmarried at 40. My choices might’ve changed. But, for now? I’m holding up by reading romance novels, watching rom-coms and navigating the pornsite that’s Twitter.
LMAO. I’ll hit you up in 13 years. But I also want to know why you are holding on to a decision you made when you were 12?
The first thing for me is my religion. I’m not perfect, but Allah doesn’t need my perfection; he needs my effort. I’m not even supposed to kiss, make out, etc. I’ve clearly failed in the foreplay part, and I can’t even hit my chest and say if I find someone now, I won’t kiss or touch them. But that’s also why dating go on for too long, so you don’t fall into temptation.
Asides from religion, I’m not a casual-sex type of person. It’s the reason why I haven’t been able to lockdown any relationship long term. I don’t see myself popping the cherry randomly, and at this stage of my life, I’m out to meet people who are also waiting till marriage. In fact, one of my greatest fantasies is marrying a virgin so we get to learn about sex and each other’s bodies from scratch — two novices trying to hack sex no matter how long it takes.
Interesting. Humour me and rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10
LMAO. A -10. I’m not having any sex, but I’m constantly horny. It makes me frustrated.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex
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They say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, but I’m here to give you another trick. This time, I’d like to tell you how you can gauge a Nigerian man’s performance in bed just by looking at his underwear.
Don’t believe me? Test my theory today.
These boxers that look like school uniforms
Any guy who wears these school uniform boxers will give you toxic dick that’ll probably ruin your life. Guys like this are very quiet and shy in public, but the moment they catch you, omo, you will crawl home. He doesn’t care whether you cum or not, but because he’s putting so much vim into the fornication, you end up cumming as a side effect.
He won’t offer you water after round five, but best believe he’ll give you the best sex of your life.
Briefs
There are two ways around this briefs conversation. If a guy wears white briefs, that means he’s very intentional about life and would probably locate your g-spot no matter where it’s hidden. A white-brief guy doesn’t have a big dick, but he’ll overcompensate with foreplay.
On the other hand, if a guy wears coloured briefs, know you’re about to be trapped in a relationship. This guy has an average dick and knows how to use it. The problem is, he’ll only think about you cumming after he’s ejaculated. But don’t worry, that won’t take long.
Lace pant
Guys who wear lace underwear are very into role play and things like that, probably even on the submissive side, so there’s a strong chance he will eat your bum bum and let you choke him till he nearly passes out. His dick game is average, but he’s a good student. If trained right, his performance can move from 25 to 100 in no time.
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Thongs
Say hello to Mr Risque. Guys wearing thongs are great in bed and comfortable in their sexuality. They’re open to being pegged or peed on — anything you want, this guy is totally game. If you were to investigate his body count, you’d probably find your main boyfriend and your best friend too.
Jockstraps
The jockstrap is for the guy who wants to wear a thong but doesn’t have the balls to rock them yet. Using this definition, a jockstrap guy is good in bed and eager to please. Validation is a major driving force for guys who wear jockstraps, so your pleasure gives them the same surge of endorphins Uber drivers get from rider ratings.
Mesh
This man lives for sex parties and exhibitionism. He rarely has sex, but likes to watch and be entertained. His dick game is good, but you need to have porn in the background to keep him up, if you know what I mean.
Guys who have at least one of each
Like the Avatar or a unicorn, a guy with all the different types of underwear on this list is rare. If you bump into one, I’d advise you to run because his dick game will confuse you. One day, the sex is so good that you’re ready to move in, but the next day, his done after five thrusts. Owning three on the list is fine, but having all six is serious wahaleux.
Commando
Anything you see here, take it like that. Guys who go commando are on another level, and it takes a certain type of man to walk around with his John-Thomas swinging up and down like a hunter’s katapot.
ALSO READ: Don’t Listen to Women, These Are the Best Types of Underwear for Authentic Nigerian Men
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The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old man battling a masturbation addiction. He talks about his journey from hating masturbation to doing it multiple times a day, discovering he had premature ejaculation and breaking his addiction.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could’ve caught us.
Did you like it?
Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I’d like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin.
But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience. It didn’t last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn’t until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem.
RELATED: Sex LIfe: I Do Push-ups to Get Rid of Erections
What happened?
Well, she wasn’t interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn’t even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me.
I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it’s about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation.
Why did you hate masturbation?
I attended a boys’ only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating.
I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation.
From hating to addiction. How did that happen?
Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I’d masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn.
At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn’t do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did.
I’m so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation?
Unfortunately, it didn’t. The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That’s how erectile dysfunction came in.
That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It’s embarrassing. I think there’s no lady I’ve had sex with that’ll want to try it again.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Use Sex Enhancers Even When I Don’t Need Them
How do you know that?
They never say anything after it happens. It’s like they feel some shame. I’d have loved a conversation, but I don’t think many women think it’s something to talk about.
So you’ve never had good sex?
The closest thing I’ve had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual.
Why’d you thought so?
Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I’ve known her longer? I don’t know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don’t work. That’s what led me to see a doctor.
How did that go?
Well, it’s actually two doctors I’m seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we’d see how it goes from there. I’ve been abstinent for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without masturbating.
What do you hope to gain from this process?
To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction.
Any regrets?
It might seem strange, but I don’t have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it’s all part of life. I believe that I’ve learnt a lesson that’ll be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them.
How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10
LMAO. A -2
RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy.
What was your first sexual experience like?
When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together.
One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time.
What was it like?
I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood.
I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it.
So after the first time, did it become a regular thing?
Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex.
I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems.
So what did you do about not liking sex?
Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me?
It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards.
For how long did this go on?
At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”.
RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex
Why did the routine stop?
Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people.
But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too.
Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex.
And?
I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person.
LMAO. What happened?
Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.
But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different?
RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass
Well, why was sex different?
It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.
Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened.
I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex.
Does that mean you never had sex again?
No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice.
Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it.
We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to.
RELATED: Sex Life: This “Throat Goat” Wasn’t Enjoying Sex
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: I Didn’t Expect Our Relationship to End This Way
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Making a woman cry during sex is not a feat just anyone can accomplish. But if you want to be among the legends and the greats, here are some things you need to know.
Remove her wig
Anyone wearing a wig to have sex is an unserious person, so whatever they see, they should collect. If tears are your goal for the woman you’re having sex with, bundle her bundles mid-coitus and fling them out the window. She’ll stop, and sweep. Then you’ll have explain to her how you’ll replace the discarded wig.
Ask her if she’s eaten
Women don’t eat. Why? Nobody will ever fully understand. So if you want to cause her stress and bring some tears to her eyes, ask her if she’s eaten because you plan on ordering food. For pizzazz, tell her that coffee doesn’t count as food. She’ll break down.
RELATED: 6 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Unhealthy Relationship With Food
Play with her nipples
It’s important to note that they’re nipples, not shaki. So if you’re going to be biting, use the fear of the Lord to judge your actions. If not, you’ll land on an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER, and people will laugh at you. Don’t let your enemies win.
Do not ignore the clit
The clit is the only female body part that exists solely for pleasure. So why will you ignore it? Use it so it can meet its KPI for the week. Engaging her clit will make it easier to bring your woman to tears.
RELATED: How to Make Your Woman Happy in Bed
Ask her where she wants to eat after sex
Women avoid making decisions the same way they avoid ironing clothes. That’s why for maximum tears, ask her to decide on what she wants to eat and where. She’ll burst into tears.
Listen when she tells you what she wants
You don’t know her body more than her, so you should ask questions. What does she like being done to her? How can you replicate it for her maximum pleasure? Those are the thoughts you should consider if your goal is for her to stain your pillow with tears.
Bring out the toys
Sex toys are your friend, not your foe. If tears are your goal, they’re beneficial to achieving your target. Because while you, a mere mortal, might feel tired after an hour, an adequately charged toy can triple your time. By the time you’re done, the bucket you put into catching her tears will be full and overflowing.
RELATED: 8 Nigerian Women Talk About Their Experience With Sex Toys
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It can be confusing to know what your partner likes when it comes to sex, especially when they’re not very communicative. Have you ever wondered whether your partner secretly likes spanking? Take this quiz and find out.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old bisexual woman who loves having sex with women. She talks to us about coming out as a lesbian, discovering her bisexuality and not feeling bisexual enough because she doesn’t sleep with men.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 18, I had sex with my best friend. The two of us had pooled money together to get a hotel room and just rest. We wanted to feel expensive and not have to deal with the problem that is our roommates.
We talked about everything there was to talk about. I told her I’d never kissed anyone before because I didn’t count the two times I kissed boys in primary school. She decided then and there that she’d kiss me and get it over with so I’d know what a real kiss felt like.
Safe to say, we did more than kiss. It was a perfect kiss, in my opinion, and I’m happy it was my first. I think we both realised we liked it a bit more than we’d initially planned. So we kissed again and again, and eventually, moved on to more than just kissing.
How did you feel after?
Even though it was our first time having sex with a woman, what we lacked in experience, we made up for with communication and trust. She had a bit more experience in general, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t an absolute idiot though. I knew what sex was, and at the time, I wasn’t having it because a couple of years prior, I said I’d wait till marriage for purely religious reasons. As I grew older and became less religious, I didn’t have sex because I didn’t get around to it. Men weren’t cutting it for me, and I was too busy and unbothered to consider other options.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Married to Have Sex
Busy doing what?
Life. There was trying to get into university and dealing with the stress from my parents about being an excellent example to my siblings. Love, romance, sexuality, and all the other things that came with it, were put to the side. When I got into the university, I didn’t find anyone interesting enough to sleep with.
So what happened after sex with your best friend?
Well, we tried to talk about it. Not immediately after because we both passed out and slept, but the next day. We wanted to understand what that meant for our friendship. Was this going to be a regular thing? And was it purely sexual? We decided that we’d continue being best friends and if we chose to sleep with each other, sure.
Nobody batted an eye when they saw us being affectionate because we were already best friends and super close. I’d sleep on her bed, kiss her on her cheek in public and hold hands. We cooked for each other and studied together. It was pretty dope. We also had sex a lot.
After the first time, it’s like the part of my brain that had locked out the possibility was removed. I just wanted to fuck. We’d be sneaking quickies while reading in classes at night or when someone’s roommate wasn’t around. I liked sex a lot and had what I feel is an average amount of it. We were having sex at least three to four times a week.
Unfortunately, she wanted a romantic relationship, and I wasn’t about that life. I enjoyed being her friend who had sex with her, and I felt we would have been terrible girlfriends. She stopped hanging around me as much, and we stopped having as much sex.
From nothing to something to nothing again. How did you feel?
Horny, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I masturbated a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I’ve always believed that having sex with someone else is just so much better than having to do it all by yourself. It adds extra vim. So, safe to say, I wasn’t enjoying myself sexually.
That was until a babe a year above me in my department walked up to me in school. She told me that she noticed my best friend and I’d stopped talking, and does that mean we broke up? I told her we never dated, but she said we acted like a couple. Then, she asked if I was a lesbian.
Since I first had sex with my best friend, I’d never considered myself anything. Labelling my sexuality was not something I thought of. Plus, nobody ever asked me. The rest of the world assumed I was heterosexual and save for my best friend, I wasn’t really doing anything with anyone. That’s why I told her I didn’t know. She said if I liked girls, then I should call her. She gave me her phone number and left.
Lmao, she was interested?
Yes. Apparently, she’d been seeing me around school and thought I was cute but didn’t make a move because I was always with my best friend. We started hanging out and she introduced me to my first queer community. It was during one of such hangouts I decided to finally label myself.
A bisexual man brought his new boyfriend to introduce to us and while people were introducing themselves by their names and sexualities, I just told him I was a lesbian. It felt right. I was attracted to women, I had sex and was having sex with women, and I had feelings for women. I was a lesbian.
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How did that feel?
Great, actually. At least I stopped telling people “I don’t know” when they asked me what sexuality I was. I was already doing lesbian behaviour, might as well just give myself the title.
Everyone in the group celebrated my finally figuring it out. My girlfriend — the babe who walked up to me — and I had celebration sex that night. I lived in her house more than I actually stayed in my hostel. So, I was having as much sex as I wanted when I wanted.
I realised that it was a relaxant for me. Whenever I had sex, my body just felt like butter and I slept very peacefully or was able to concentrate on whatever tasks I had left. Extremely sexual behaviour means I’m in my best place mentally and physically.
A couple of months after being together, she graduated from school. We both didn’t have the energy for a long-distance relationship, so we let it rest, and ended on good terms.
Then what?
A month after the breakup, I started sleeping with someone. Then three months after, I had two steady sexual partners. My sex life was pretty average for a 21-year-old, but I was content. Slept with the same two people because it was convenient and they were attractive. Plus, over time we’d gotten used to how our bodies worked.
But because the world sometimes hates me, my universe was rocked when I met a man. I never found myself attracted to men, but he was something special. He was taller than me and had such a pretty smile. He was a corper doing his service year in the university. We both needed to see one of my lecturers for something. So while we waited outside the lecturer’s office, we talked and exchanged numbers.
We texted every single day and would talk about the most random things. We had a lot in common so we’d talk about the music we listened to. He’d gist me about how serving was trying to take his life.
This continued for about a month, and then, it was final exams and thesis time. He’d get me food while I studied because I forgot to eat. After my exams, he took me out to celebrate. We went to a nice place and I had such a fun time. I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me, but I didn’t hate the kiss. It just felt different. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and I agreed. I had never had sex with a man before, and I had never considered it, but there I was following him back to his house and having sex with him. I was supposed to be a lesbian.
Did you enjoy the sex?
It was okay. I’d had better, but it wasn’t completely bad. It didn’t last as long as I was used to, so that was a shock for me. In like an hour, we were done. That included kissing and foreplay. I want to think it also wasn’t the best experience for him because I didn’t know what I was doing. In theory, a gay man had taught me how to give a blowjob, but I had never actually done it before.
After the night, I went back to my place. He kept trying to reach me, but I needed to think. Was I someone who slept with men? It wasn’t the best experience but I didn’t hate it. Plus, I was turned on and thought he was attractive. I was having a crisis.
What did you do?
What any sane and normal human would do, have sex with more men. I wanted to see if it was just him.
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Was it?
It was. When it comes to sex, different people make different experiences. The overall experience might be lacking, but they might make up for it in specific ways. Some men I met were experimental. They wanted to try new things. Some were really fun to give blowjobs to because they moaned in ways I liked.
However, there were some hiccups. We might be doing missionary and I’d reach to their chest thinking they had breasts, and when I feel a hard chest, I’d open my eyes and remember I was having sex with a man. I’ve also tried to spank them and bend them over. I think it was a culture shock. Having sex with men took a while to get used to, and after having sex with four of them, I decided that wasn’t a life I wanted to live.
I even dated a man when I was 22 and it was a beautiful three months relationship until I found out he was cheating on me. I experienced the motions of what it’s like to be with men and I didn’t hate it. I just don’t think it’s something I want to do.
I am bisexual because I’m attracted to women and anyone else. Plus, I enjoy having sex in general. It’s just that I have a preference for women. I want to sleep with them, date them and maybe eventually marry one. And that really fucks up with how I perceive myself as a bisexual woman.
When a lot of people hear about bisexual people, they assume a lot of things. One of those things is that being bisexual means you’re supposed to have the same level of attraction to whatever genders you’re attracted to, but I don’t. I haven’t had sex with a man since I was 22, and I don’t think I’d do it anytime soon. But what if one day I see a man I like and his own fear is that I’d leave him for a woman because I don’t like men as much?
It’s been years of battling this thought process, and homophobia doesn’t make it easier, but we move. I’m back to cutting men off of the list of people I sleep with. I’m still a bisexual woman even though a lot of days, I feel less than.
I hope you finally stop feeling less than
Thank you. I mean, I’m not having sex with men to prove my bisexuality. If anyone doesn’t believe me, they can kiss my ass. Sexuality is not one-dimensional. There are a lot of ways it can be presented and that’s okay. I can have sex with a man, enjoy it, and orgasm from it. I can also marry one and start a family. I’d just rather not.
So, how’d you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
If we refuse to count that period in my life when I was trying to figure out my bisexuality, 8. I was and I am having really nice sex with women. I love it here. If we decide to add the men part? 5. I don’t want to feel like I need to walk down that path again.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks to us about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she’s missed, how kissing has never felt right and learning she has better sex when she’s not being touched.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 14 years old when I kissed a boy for the first time. He attended my church, and during the children’s vigil, we snuck into the bathroom and kissed. I didn’t know what to expect, but the kiss felt wet. It wasn’t magical or special. It just felt like someone’s mouth touched my own. On the other hand, he was smiling from ear to ear. I went along with it, but everything about it felt so wrong.
I thought it was because I didn’t know how kissing worked, so I kept kissing different boys. Every single time, I was met with disappointment. I knew it couldn’t have been them. There’s no single way every boy I kissed from when I was 14 till when I was 19 was terrible. I knew it was a me thing. I just didn’t know how.
What happened at 19?
That’s when I switched it up and kissed a woman for the first time. That day, I had gone out with a guy and had another disappointing kiss, so I was complaining to my roommate. I told her how this is something that’s been happening since I was 14 and that maybe I just couldn’t kiss right. She told me that maybe I needed to learn how to kiss properly. Then, she offered to teach me. I agreed and she kissed me.
The thing with kissing her is it, sure, it was a mouth touching mine and it was still wet, but the kiss felt different. I always knew my roommate was attractive; kissing her made me very aware of just how attractive she was.
When she pulled away, she told me I was probably overthinking it because I’m an amazing kisser. I’d like to think that kiss was what began my descent into discovering I was a lesbian. It’s just that it was a slow process.
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Why was it a slow process?
Well, lesbianism isn’t something a lot of people talk about. I hear more about being a gay man than being a lesbian. Whenever women act in anaffectionate way towards each other, it’s always written off as women being women. But if a man so much as smiles at another man, the word “gay” is thrown around a lot. It’s not like I didn’t know lesbianism existed. It’s just that when I was considering my options, it didn’t come to mind. Add the fact that I dress very feminine, nobody was moving to me or throwing the L word around me. Very distressing times.
That’s why I didn’t try to kiss a woman again until two years after I kissed the first one. And just like the first time, it was a friend who wanted to help me out. After I narrated my problem to a friend of mine, she told me maybe I was going about it all wrong and promised to introduce me to someone who might help. Turns out the someone was a woman she knew. I was confused at first, but my friend explained that maybe I was just kissing the wrong gender. I remembered the kiss my former roommate and I shared and decided to see this through. The woman and I talked a lot that night. When she asked me to come back to her place, I agreed without a second thought. I had sex that night for the first time, and I am so glad I didn’t do it with a man.
How was it?
Well, I didn’t know anything I was doing because I had never gone past kissing men and giving them handjobs. But she was so patient with me, kind too. She asked me questions throughout. When there was blood and I panicked a bit, she just removed the sheets and gave me a bath. It was the softest experience I had ever had. I enjoyed every minute of it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to leave her house.
Before, I thought I was a prude who wouldn’t enjoy sex, but something woke up in me that day. I was unstoppable. I wanted her to teach me everything she knew and she was more than happy to indulge me. I think she found my curiosity sexy. When I was leaving her house after living there for a couple of days, I made a promise to myself that I’d never go back to doing anything sexual with men. That was also the day I called myself a lesbian for the first time.
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Wow. Were you able to keep your promise?
Yes! The only problem was there was a bit of involuntary celibacy on my part. It was difficult to find women to talk to without putting yourself in danger. The woman I had sex with for the first time left Nigeria soon after. Turns out she only visited occasionally, and I was back in square one.
So, I started befriending the extremely “masculine” women who people actually threw the L word at. I was determined to fix my involuntary celibacy.
Did you?
Tough times never last, only tough people do! And I am a tough babe. I knew I had a lot to learn and by befriending these women, I learnt it and found community at the same time. With every new woman I slept with, it felt like I discovered something new about myself. At 23, I learnt I loved performing oral sex. That same year, I let someone use a strap-on with me for the first time, and I used one with someone else too.
I think after discovering I was a lesbian, I tried to fit everything I had missed into a couple of years of sleeping with different women. Once a partner wanted to try something, I was down with it. But after two years of sleeping with everyone and their mums, I found something I liked and stuck to it.
Tell me about it
I linked up with a woman all my friends told me not to because she was a “pillow princess”. Apparently, she did none of the work and just wanted to be fucked until she couldn’t walk. I was curious. I had never actually met one of those before. I wanted to see what it was like.
When we linked up, she refused to touch me. I felt like I had to earn her approval and it was very sexy. Every single time she had an orgasm, I got more turned on, and I didn’t stop until she couldn’t move. When she finally kissed me and touched my breasts, I had my only orgasm of the day. But it didn’t feel like it was just one because it was so strong I had to take a breather.
When she got into a relationship, I started looking for women who could reciprocate that exact feeling with me, Before we’d have sex, I’d tell them not to touch me until they felt I had earned it. I found myself gravitating towards “pillow princesses”. A lot of them think I’m bluffing because they’re not used to feminine women who enjoy pleasing, but it makes it even more fun for me.
It’s not like I don’t like being touched. I’d just rather not be. Knowing my partner’s having a great time is really all I need. If they tell me I didn’t earn their touch, I would go home and masturbated.
Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10
9. I wish I had figured it all out earlier. But now, I’ve done all my exploring and my girlfriend and I are having really great sex. She understands my need to not be touched, and it works perfectly for her.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until her wedding night. She talks about how her relationship with God was why she waited till marriage, and how she married, to have sex.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
When I was 12, I had this neighbour who was a year older than me. We grew up together, so I used to go to his house daily. On one of such days, he played a CD that turned out to be porn. We watched for a bit, and then started making out. It happened three to four times over the span of a couple of months.
Did it ever progress past kissing?
It never did.
Why?
I’m a very religious Christian and waiting till marriage is my service to God. I wasn’t saving myself for a man; I was just doing what God wanted me to do.
In fact, in my university, people were taking a “covenant of purity”, but I didn’t because I thought it was unnecessary. Most of the people who were taking the covenant weren’t even serious about it. After they took the covenant, you could see them getting hot and heavy in corners. For me, waiting till marriage was about honouring God, and I knew I didn’t need a covenant to do that. I waited for the right time, but it wasn’t easy.
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Tell me about it
I tried to date only Christians, but I realised not every Christian was interested in saving themselves till marriage. When I dated those men and made out with them, I felt a little guilty, but the guilt was never overwhelming.
My relationship with God is a very loving one, so I spoke to Him a lot about the temptations I felt. I reminded myself of Christ’s work for me and how the life I live actually belongs to Him. I learnt about Jesus from the point of a Father, not just as a Lord and Master, even though He is.
So, did you stick to it?
Yes, I did! The first time I had sex was on my wedding night at 27. It almost didn’t even happen because we were both exhausted. Before then, many of my friends who had already gotten married shared stories about their wedding night with me. Some said they couldn’t have sex until months after, and I said it would not be me. I refuse!
But the wedding day came, and there was so much going on, we were so exhausted. It was so bad that we couldn’t even stay more than 30 minutes at the after-party our friends organised for us. When we got to the hotel, we just had our baths and dozed off. That’s when one strange breeze blew, and we were awake. Next thing, we were having sex.
Just like that? What was the sex like?
The sex was amazing. It was a bit painful because it was my first time, but he was gentle and soft. It made the experience incredibly intimate. He asked questions and I guided him on what worked and what didn’t.
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Was waiting with him easy?
Of course not. There was even a time I had to stop going to his house for three months because the temptation was choking us. Looking at each other and spending a lot of time together was making it harder.
However, it wasn’t as bad because we wanted the same things. Unlike me, he wasn’t a virgin, but he was celibate in his last relationship and wanted to wait with me in this one. We checked each other and knew when not to go too far and when not to be alone.
I like to joke that we got married so we could have sex. We were everything without the need for marriage. He was my companion and soulmate. The only thing missing was sex. That’s why after a year and ten months, we dragged ourselves to the altar.
Love it. How’s the sex now?
I’m having so many orgasms. There’s something so special about having sex with someone you love, someone who always wants you to be satisfied. It’s magic.
Do you ever wish you didn’t wait?
Not at all! I’m a very emotional person, and sex can be very vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to share that part of myself with just anyone.
So, on a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your Sex Life?
One million. I’m having the time of my life. I’ve been having sex with the same person for four years, but it feels like magic each time. I love it.
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The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old woman who loves giving blowjobs. She talks about her curiosity about what made men tick, not enjoying sex because she couldn’t tell them what made her tick, finding her voice and how it helped her prioritise her sexual health.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 18, and it was with a secondary school crush of mine. I went over to his house to chill, we started making out, I don’t know what initiated it, but I do know I wanted to give him a blowjob. I had never given one before. All I knew about it, I learned from porn. But that didn’t stop me from trying. He kept complimenting me on how good it was and for not using teeth. He also returned the favour by giving me head; a win-win situation. The only downside was having a sore throat days later.
Penetrative sex happened a whole year later. I was in university at this time and in a relationship. It was easily the most disappointing experience of my entire life. I didn’t have high expectations of my first time, but I could still tell it could be better. At a point, I started asking myself if this was the sex everyone kept hyping up. I was thoroughly frustrated.
Why do you think it was so bad?
He was obsessed with porn, and it showed in the way he had sex. Everything was theatrical, and he wasn’t invested in things I liked. His only redeeming quality was his fingers. He was good with those, but he never fingered me long enough to make me cum because he didn’t care enough about my pleasure. After a couple of months, the relationship ended, and I continued looking for good sex.
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How did that journey go?
I ended up with partner number two, who I was head over heels in love with. Sex with him was better because it was different. Unlike the man before him who kept trying to perform, he was gentler. I tried to communicate the things I liked with him because I wanted to enjoy sex. He’d listen but never actually do anything about it. Eventually, he told me he had decided to revive his faith in God, and as such, we couldn’t have sex again.
I went on to partner number 3, still at the age of 19, but something stuck with me. I found it almost impossible to tell any other partner what I liked during sex. Opening up to the last one about what I liked, and not having it implemented, made me not want to repeat it. I wasn’t talking to my partners about anything sex-related. I assumed that the same way society spoke about how much a woman should be able to please a man in bed, men were also expected to please their women. I was wrong, and I have the terrible sexual experiences to prove it.
If the sex was so bad, why keep having it?
Because I knew it could be better, and I was inquisitive. My parents never let me leave the house, so university was my one chance to act my age and explore everything I wanted to know.
My curiosity, combined with my inability to speak up about what I liked during sex, led me into situations I shouldn’t have been in.
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Explain, please
I’ve been curious about what makes men tick and what doesn’t, so I replicated many things I saw on the internet. Blowjobs seemed to be that thing. It also helped that I love the taste and feel of a dick in my mouth; like having a lollipop in my mouth. So, whenever I had sex with a man, a blowjob would come out of it. The only problem is that not all dicks should be in your mouth.
There’s this thing I like to call “dirty dick smell”. It’s this odour that hits you when a dick is dirty. It’s very common when the penis has been cooking for a while. It’s just a mixture of sweat and dick and is very unappealing.
The intelligent thing to do when you smell a dick like that is to ask them to take a shower or just outrightly refuse to blow them, but I didn’t want to humiliate them, so I’d put it in my mouth either way. The result? Days and days of battling an extremely sore throat.
That’s something that particularly annoyed me about sex with men who never put in any effort. Because when it came to sex, I was researching how to arch correctly, trying to eliminate my gag reflex, being called the throat goat and giving sloppy top, but I couldn’t even get one orgasm out of it — risking my physical health for loads of mediocre sex. Sometimes, I wanted to bite down on the dick while it was in my mouth.
Did the blowjobs stop?
No. I enjoyed the power trip that came with giving blowjobs. It was a turn-on for me; I just had to make it more sanitary. When I eventually gathered the balls, I started asking men to take a shower before we had sex. Sometimes, they’d act embarrassed, but my health was more important. It was either that or nothing.
Finding my voice also stopped the sufferhead Olympics I engaged in regarding sex. Men would tell me they never had orgasms from oral sex, and I’d get on my knees because I felt like I had something to prove. No more. If you can’t get an orgasm through a blowjob, good luck to you and yours.
I’m ashamed it was not something I started doing earlier, but I had finally had enough. Better late than never, right?
Yeah, definitely. How did that go?
I met someone. He’s my current boyfriend, and I almost ruined what we had because I never spoke up. After a while of having sex with men who never cared about my orgasm, it built resentment, and I carried that into our new relationship. I’m glad he is patient enough to help me figure it out.
He asks me questions and is very intentional with foreplay and aftercare. Unlike my previous partners, he’s very open to having conversations with me about sex.
How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d give it a 7. I’m finally enjoying sex, but the sex is not as frequent as I’d like because it’s a long-distance relationship.
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The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 15 years old when I kissed someone for the first time. She was the second girlfriend I had ever had, and on my way to her house, I googled how to make out. I was very nervous and didn’t want to mess up. There were some very detailed explanations on the internet, but I eventually realised that nobody is really good at stuff like that from the beginning. You have to ease into it.
As time went on, I graduated from kissing to dry humping, and it became a defining part of my teenage years.
Why dry humping?
At a certain point in my life, I was very religious. I believed sex wasn’t something you had with someone you weren’t married to. A lot of the people I knew felt the same way but tried anal sex instead. I wasn’t too comfortable with that. With dry humping, you get some sort of action without actually having sex. It was a middle ground.
So, you dry humped your way into having sex?
Not really. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 20. Like I said, I spent the majority of my teenage years dry humping, but I was about to graduate from university, and I didn’t want to graduate without having sex for the first time.
That year, I met a woman who was four years older than me, and she was intrigued that I was 20 and had never had sex . She said she was going to introduce me to her friends and try to set me up, but I told her she was the one I wanted, and that’s how it happened.
RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive
I thought you wanted to wait till you were married. What changed?
I was born into a religious home, so most of the zeal of my youth was channeled into being the best religious version of myself. Churches, and other people in my religious circle, always made waiting till marriage a big deal, so it was something I held on to.
Then puberty happened, and I started making negotiations with God. Sure, I wanted to wait, but my body had other plans. That’s where dry humping came in. There was so much guilt the first few times I did it, but as time went on and I kept at it, the guilt reduced. I took the same approach with sex.
I had grown into a person who approached life differently, and I wanted to know why I shouldn’t do the things they told me not to do. When I started having sex, it was fun. The person I was having sex with was also having fun, so why would I feel bad about it?
When I asked these questions, the responses always came from addressing sex as taboo and a thing of disgust. Sexually transferred demons was not a valid argument, and I didn’t vibe with that. It was a gradual process of having conversations with myself until, eventually, I got over it.
I tried to suppress how my body felt until I just stopped. There was no defining moment, no big “aha”. Just questions and thoughts.
Well, how was your first time?
It was a very good first time. I was really careful because I was taking my time and didn’t want to mess up. There was a point where I got really terrified. She was on top and kind of clamped on my penis. It felt great, and I was about to cum, but she said I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got scared. Later, she told me it was because I was enjoying herself, and she wanted it to last longer.
I love that she knew what she was doing, and she also gave me a few pointers. It was interesting.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence
So, how did the sex journey continue?
Well, I was having sex with different women and learning things, but the strangest thing was that I didn’t start masturbating until after I had started having sex. For a lot of people, masturbation is their introduction to sex. It was just different for me.
While the message around sex was that it’s something you shouldn’t do until you were married, masturbation was something you shouldn’t do at all. Maybe that’s why it didn’t cross my mind until a woman I was talking to mentioned it.
We were having a random conversation, and I mentioned that I had never actually masturbated. She found it funny that a 22-year-old man who had been having sex with other people had actually never masturbated. Then I decided to just try it.
How would you describe your relationship with sex now?
Conversations around sex have changed for me, starting from the language I use. I grew up hearing people say things like, “I don knack that babe” and whatnot. These wordings give sex a wrong image and makes it seem taboo. Sex is something both people should enjoy, and if one person is not enjoying it, then there’s a problem.
I don’t believe in attaching negative things to sex. It doesn’t make sense to me, and if more Nigerians weren’t so closed off about sex, if we all just had enjoyable sex, we would be happier people.
What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
7. It’s not like I’m having a ton of sex right now, but I’m spending a lot of time in my own space. I like it.
READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 26-year-old woman who just wants to have penetrative sex. She talks about her painful experiences, the “solutions” she’s tried that didn’t work, and how she craves painless penetrative sex.
Tell me about your most memorable sexual experience
The first time I tried penetrative sex was when I was 21. It hurt, and I told him to stop. He said sex with me was like trying to put a wrong key in a padlock.
Three years later, I decided to try again with my friend with benefits at the time. We got a hotel room, and when he tried penetration, I was in a world of pain. It hurt so much, and the blood that followed? It didn’t seem normal.
We ended up just kissing and cuddling. I couldn’t go through that amount of pain again.
I’m sorry. So, no more penetrative sex for you?
Well, I tried one more time. It was with the same guy, in a different hotel a few months later. He kept telling me the pain was in my head, but I knew it wasn’t. When he tried and the tip got in, I thought I’d collapse from how much pain I was in.
I told him to remove it immediately, and I made a promise to myself to not try penetrative sex again until I’d figured out a solution to what was wrong with me.
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What was finding a solution like?
Well, I haven’t exactly found one, but that’s because I haven’t taken it seriously. I’ve been extremely busy. Plus, it’s not like I’m orgasm starved. I get plenty from oral sex and masturbation.
Those don’t hurt?
They really don’t. I started masturbating when I was 21 years old, and I was only able to because my mental block had left. I used to be very religious, and that meant no form of sexual activity for me. As time went on and I grew less religious, I allowed myself to masturbate one day. It felt great. I tried to insert fingers, but it felt extremely uncomfortable, so I just stuck with the clitoris.
I can give myself steady orgasms, and if I don’t feel like doing it myself, I meet up with my friend with benefits for oral sex. I’m not starved of orgasms.
Then why did you want to try penetrative sex?
Because I want to experience it. I want to know what it’s like to be penetrated and actually enjoy it. Plus, I can’t masturbate for the rest of my life, and I feel it’s unfair to just expect to get oral sex and not give anything in return.
I don’t like giving blowjobs. Semen tastes salty and the act of sucking dick doesn’t turn me on. I don’t want to be the one getting all the pleasure while the guy gets nothing. It’s not fair.
So back to finding a solution. What’s going on?
I’ve tried a bunch of things. In early 2021, I started doing a lot of research. Whenever I typed in my symptoms, I’d always get vaginismus as a result. So, I started searching for solutions to vaginismus. The first one I tried was a dilator.
Dilators are these sex toys that look like dildos but have one fat end and a slim end on the other side. They come in different sizes, and you’re supposed to try each size to get your vagina used to a penis. The one I got had five different sizes. Using the two smallest was okay, but when I tried the third? Problem. I tried to shove it in, but it’ll end up sliding back out. So, I gave up on it.
Then I watched a show that talked about painful penetration. They shared breathing techniques you can use to help you take in the dilator. After learning the techniques, I tried again, but I could never make it past the second size. The third size brought too much pain so I’d stop.
RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass
That sounds stressful. Did you try anything else? Lube?
I have tried so many different variations of lubricants, but it doesn’t work because my vagina muscles are too tight.
Late 2021, I was scrolling through instagram when I saw another woman talking about vaginismus. I reached out to her, and she gave me the number of a pelvic floor therapist who can help. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to see the doctor.
There’s so much going on in my life right now, and I have so many expenses because I plan on traveling, so a pelvic floor therapist isn’t really the top of my list.
What about a gynecologist?
I’m currently seeing a gynecologist for PCOS-related issues, but I’ve been unable to bring my possible vaginismus up because the last time I went to see a doctor when I was 21, he kept asking me stupid questions that weren’t helpful. He was more interested in how my boyfriend felt about the experience than me. So, I’m just waiting till I can see the pelvic floor therapist.
When might that happen?
Hopefully, before this year ends. I might finally get a solution to this problem and maybe start enjoying penetrative sex.
How will you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?
1. Sure, I’m getting orgasms by myself, but there’s nothing like having someone hold, touch and kiss you in places you can’t do yourself. I’d like to be able to have penetrative orgasms with someone. Until then? We move.
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If you’re interested in exploring the fascinating world of strap-on dildos, your first time shopping for one can seem confusing. But it’s easier than you think. We’ve come up with these eight helpful tips to help you get through it.
Ask all your questions
There’s no point in being shy. You’ve already taken all the big steps by messaging the vendor / going to a sex-toy shop. No one is more qualified to answer your questions than the person selling it.
RELATED: 6 Nigerian Men Tell Us What They Think About Pegging
Where is it getting delivered?
If you’ve never had your package stolen before, you won’t understand how important this is. Some vendors package strap-ons discreetly and label them as something else like “ Stockfish” or “Shoes” to throw people off, while others just wrap it as it is (shape, veins and all). Figure out the logistics of your delivery, abeg.
No be you dey use am, no be you go pick the size or shape
Is it okay to own that 12-inch dildo with tentacles sprouting out from it? Yes. ? Totally. But your partner might not be into all that. It’s important to ask the receiver’s opinion. If you’re both first time users, go with a smaller size in a non-realistic shape, so it’s easier to control.
Make sure you get one made out of suitable material
The material affects both the wearer and the receiver. You don’t want to break out in hives during sex because you’re allergic to latex. You can’t go wrong with silicone, but ask questions and make sure that it’s a material that is easy to clean.
As a black person, don’t get a white dildo
No, for real. Why are you also trying to get rammed by coloniser penis? Pick nice colours. Buy a rainbow or skin coloured one. Hell, go crazy and get a basic purple one. Just make sure you like what you’ve gotten.
RELATED: QUIZ: How Many Words Can You Make Out of “PEGGING” in 1 Minute?
Let go of the money you’re about to spend
Don’t even think about the price. Just close your eyes and imagine all the good times you’re about to have. Remember that it’s an investment that will cost an arm and a leg, so get one that has all the fun features possible. Don’t look at your account balance after you purchase it.
Get a good harness
Also, ensure that it’s comfortable. If those complicated ones work for you, go for it. If it’s the leather or brief style harnesses that work, get those. Just make sure it’s compatible with the shape of the dildo you are getting.
Practice how to wine your waist
It will take some getting used to, so don’t rush into using it without enough practice. Stretch before you use it because your entire body will cramp up if you don’t, which can be embarrassing as hell in the heat of the moment.
Learn how to clean it
Now that you’ve gotten all that out of the way make sure you clean your strap-on after every use. It’s just good hygiene. Also, that shit is expensive and cleaning it helps it last longer.
ALSO READ: 7 Things You Have To Know Before You Peg Someone
Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.
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“Aftercare” is a term that originally came from the BDSM community. It defines the care shown to a lover before, during, and after sexual encounters. Basically, it’s a mutual check-in between sexual partners. The concept of aftercare transcends the BDSM community these days because everyone deserves care in their relationship. Sex is a pleasurable activity that leaves us feeling vulnerable, and whether it’s in a casual relationship or a committed one, aftercare is a way to show your partner you care about them.
Here’s a list of ways you can practice aftercare with your partner:
Sending a check-in text
This is the bare minimum. Even if your partner is the type to run off before daybreak, you can still send a check-in text to make sure they are okay. This shows that you value them and the experience you two shared.
RELATED: The 10 Horniest Emojis Nigerians Use in Texting
Cuddling
Cuddling is an intimate affair that communicates care for one other. It releases the oxytocin hormone which helps to reduce stress. Everybody should cuddle their lovers more — one night stands or not — with their consent, of course.
Talking about sex
Talking about sex is a great way to build intimacy in a relationship. Tell your partner what you liked, what you didn’t enjoy, and why. That way, they get to know you better, and it helps to affirm both partners. It might even lead to another round.
Washing sex toys together
If you and your partner(s) use toys, washing them together is another great way to build intimacy and practice aftercare. You can also talk about the sex while you’re at it to build the tension.
RELATED: 7 Sex Toys Every Woman Should Have, According to Amina Soul
Watching a movie together
Cuddling and watching a movie together is another effective way to practice aftercare. It’s a lighthearted activity that can help calm you down if the sex was particularly intense.
Cooking together
Cooking is a great bonding activity. It shows a person that you value their company and like to spend time with them outside sex. You’ll definitely be getting a call back if you do this right.
Sleeping together
This works for the same reason cuddling does. Sleeping next to someone who has felt your insides (or vice versa) can induce happy feelings and might lead to more sex. Don’t say we don’t do anything for you.
In the end, aftercare is just a way to make sure you’re not being an ass to people you’re being intimate with. To learn more about intimacy, read this article on sex positions you absolutely have to try.Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old bisexual man who didn’t have sex because of his religious beliefs. He talks about the shame he attached to his sexual desires, masturbating in secret, and suppressing his high sex drive because it was against his faith.
Tell me about your first sexual experience.
When I was 13, I discovered masturbation. My best friend confided in me about some ungodly act she was into, which was masturbation. Later that week, I was going through the internet when I saw some pictures that got me excited.
I noticed the tip of my dick was super sensitive, and I touched it. Touching it felt so good, but rubbing it felt even better. I went to the bathroom and kept rubbing it till I had the very first orgasm of my life. The orgasm was filled with self-hate, pleasure and guilt.
Why did an orgasm make you feel all of those things?
Well, my faith at the time had a considerable role to play. I believed that the Bible must be taken at face value. I couldn’t combine loving God with enjoying sex. That’s why I felt very icky after masturbating in the bathroom. I hated myself intensely.
Does that mean it never happened again?
LMAO, not at all. As much as I had all these negative feelings associated with masturbating, I didn’t stop. It was the thorn in my side.
I was horny and walked around with an erection everywhere I went. So, I was masturbating every chance I got. I just felt very terrible after. At the time, I tried to convince myself that the Bible never explicitly said anything about masturbating, but it didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did. It didn’t help that I had an extremely high sex drive.
It was getting harder to talk to girls when all I wanted to do was have sex. Yet, I also couldn’t have sex because of my religion.
When I was 14, the guilt got worse. That’s when I realised that not only did I want to have as much sex as possible with all the girls I saw, I wanted to have as much sex with the men as well.
Did you ever act on that?
I couldn’t masturbate without fear, was it having sex with men I could do? I stayed in my closet and endured a never-ending cycle of reading my Bible, watching porn, masturbating, and hating myself.
RELATED: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass
Were you able to combine the two? Faith and sex.
Unfortunately, no. The older I got, the more questions I asked. There was a lot of cognitive bias I saw in the two major Abrahamic religions in Nigeria. That’s when I gave myself two options. Either I continue to live in this bubble of cognitive bias, or I walk away and do away with a faith that has kept me sane and helped me guide my life up until then. I chose to walk away.
What did walking away look like?
Well, when I was 20, I had a conversation with my parents. I told them I was no longer going to church, and I had stopped reading my Bible.
There was a constant back and forth for about two years, but they’re finally making peace with it.
And what about sex?
I finally had sex for the first time when I was 22, with a woman from a GC I was in. I had done a lot of research in the years I battled my faith. I had asked for help from some people I know who had walked similar paths as me. This was very helpful in unlearning all my previous biases I had associated with women in regards to sex. I’d like to believe I went into it well prepared, and I gave her a good time.
As for me, it felt so good. She was such a beautiful woman, and there’s something about knowing a conventionally attractive woman wants you. It makes you feel very good about yourself.
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel as guilty as I thought I would. I just enjoyed the moment.
Why’d you think you didn’t feel guilty?
I think I was finally ready to enjoy myself. I had spent almost a decade hating myself and my body because I felt being sexual was a sin.
Since I no longer held any religious inclination, I didn’t feel like I was committing any sin. It was a thoroughly enjoyable experience.
RELATED: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence
Does that mean masturbating got easier?
No, it didn’t get easier. I think because, unlike sex that had never happened, masturbation did. It was the one sexual act I committed for years; the one thing I felt was going to drag me to hell because I had acted on the urges I felt.
It wasn’t until I was 23 that I was able to actually masturbate without guilt. I had to teach myself to make it a form of self care. There was no way to have great sex without being able to be erotic with my own self.
And the sex drive? Still high?
Yes, very much so. For the past two years, it’s like I’ve been playing catch-up. I’m exploring the various things that caught and still catches my interest.
I’ve been getting heavily involved in BDSM, and it means unlearning all the biases I had towards it. I’m also building a stash of sex toys because self pleasure is something I’m investing in.
I’ve even been able to start having sex with men. The first man I ever had sex with was so silent, I thought he wasn’t that into me. I think what excited him was the fact that there was someone watching us.
However, the other men I’ve been having sex with are pretty good at it. So, I know it’s something I like and enjoy.
Tell me something you’ve learnt on this journey.
The most interesting thing to me is the fact that there’s been a lot of religious people who I’ve had sex with. For some time, I judged them because I couldn’t reconcile the two, but now? Not so much. Religion is a necessity for a lot of people. Life is very bleak, and not believing in something can wreck you.
That’s why I don’t make comments when they decide to meet up after they finish church service or have sex with me after Ramadan. I understand the role I play in their life and the role religion plays as well.
All I want to do now is have the sex I want with the people I want, whether they’re men or women.
Any regrets?
My only regret is not starting sooner in my teens.
How then will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
5, because it can be better. I want more partners, and I need to figure out my taste in men because I’ve not had as much experience there as I’d like. I’m still young, so there is still much to learn and experience, and I’d like a chance to really explore myself.
RELATED: My BDSM Journey Started Extreme
Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.
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Whether we want to admit it or not, working out feels like a very sexual thing. From routines like hip thrusts and squats to push ups, there’s something about all these movements that just scream fornication! It also doesn’t help that personal trainers and gym rats keep shouting these sexual phrases at one another.
Oh, and in case you didn’t know, sex is also a form of exercise that burns a ton of calories.
Here’s a list of things men can say in the gym and also during sex.
1. “Arch your back properly”
How are you going to get good results if they don’t put their back into it? It doesn’t matter whether it’s an intense session with your sneaky link or a sweaty gym session with your bros, everyone needs to arch their backs.
2. “Maintain your grip”
Sometimes you have to remind them to “hold it well” so it doesn’t fall and get somebody injured. No matter what you’re doing, safety must always come first. I’m just looking out for you bro.
3. “What am I supposed to do with this one?”
Omo, you’re not alone. We all get confused sometimes. Either the equipment is too big, too small or just not what you expected. It’s better to ask questions than to make mistakes. Sho get?
4. “Bend down well”
This one is very important. Please go down low so you can get a good work out dear.
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5. “This thing is heavy o”
It do usually be shocking sometimes. LOL
6. “Push your chest out”
Are we here to play? Please push your chest out so you don’t injure yourself.
7. “This position is painful”
Shout it if necessary, because if you keep quiet, you’re just doing yourself.
8. “Work on your form”
See, form is everything. It doesn’t matter how low, deep or heavy you go, if your form is trash, the whole session is trash. There’s also a chance you might break your back or knees. Is it really worth it?
9. “Don’t rush it, feel every pump”
Working out and having sex is way better when everyone involved takes their time to really enjoy the process. Why are you running? Breathe in and out, calm your nerves and enjoy everything.
10. ” We can take turns “
Where’s the fun in either working out or having sex if you’re doing just one thing from start to finish? Boring!
11. “Can you spot me?”
No man is an island. We should all be our brother’s keepers both in the gym and during knacks.
12. “Are you done?”
Too much of anything is not good — except money sha. Sometimes you have to remind the other person that you have other things to do. You can’t be working out or fornicating from morning to night abeg.
ALSO READ: 12 Things You Can Say During Sex And At A Job Interview
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Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old woman who’s been out of the BDSM scene for three years. She talks about starting with extreme things like fire and blood play, a dom that helped her find herself, and retiring from the scene until someone exciting comes along.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
My first time was a birthday gift from a friend. It was my 18th. I had told him I was bored and ready to try sex, so he linked me up with a friend of his.
There was nothing spectacular about it. If anything, I found it quite boring. I thought something was missing. Something I needed to make me enjoy sex. So I went to look for it.
What did you do?.
I started my exploration on the internet. Google was my friend. I searched for edgier ways to have sex, and kept reading and clicking links till I stumbled upon BDSM.
I was 19 and in the USA for university when all my research finally led me to groups of free-spirited people. These people invited me to sex parties and dungeons.
The more parties I attended, the more people I met and they let me know when the next party would happen.
Was it safe?
Yes. Some of these parties you’d have to register for. You’d fill out forms, pay a fee, and also present tests that showed you were free from any sexually transmitted disease or infection.
The ones that didn’t require forms are just regular parties that sometimes spiral into something else.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Attended Sex Parties Every Weekend For Three Years
Did you like the parties?
I did enjoy it. I was a very curious person who wanted to try everything she saw, and I got the chance when I was 20.
I met a man during one of these BDSM events. He was my very first dom and I felt safe enough to tell him about activities I was curious about. Sex with him included activities that caused pain. There was the bondage as well as the flogging. He once used a paddle with holes in them. Those paddles hurt a lot and the actions helped me realise I didn’t have a high threshold for pain.
There were a lot of things he was into that after trying out, I realised weren’t for me. He was into fire and blood play. He’d ash cigarettes on my body, run lighters over his skin, and use candles… The candles were the only thing I didn’t mind, and that’s when it’s done with low heat.
When he cut himself sometimes, the blood would make a mess. I wasn’t a big fan of being cut, but I liked to watch when he did it to himself. It was intriguing.
My earlier experience was very extreme. The things I did were considered extremities in the BDSM community, but that was my introduction.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Hated Sex Till I Discovered BDSM
How long did it last?
It lasted for about a year because I came back to Nigeria at 21. When I got back to Nigeria, I got reintroduced to someone I had known since secondary school but never really spoke to.
We met at a party and hit it off quite well. He was also trying to figure out what he liked as well, and we did a lot of exploring together. He didn’t know he was a dom, but he had a very domineering personality and was willing to explore a bunch of kinky things.
After facing extremes, I had gotten a good amount of information on what I didn’t like and what could be modified to fit my taste, but there was a lot more to figure out. I mean, I didn’t even know what kind of sub I was.
With this guy, we were both young and curious. It felt slower than the last one, but there was enough curiosity to keep us going.
At this time, what were some things you were sure you weren’t into?
The only two definite things I never wanted to try were age play and race play. I felt like with those two things, the lines can be very easily blurred.
How did you go about trying them out?
Parties. In my early twenties, I was still very active on Facebook and was present in a bunch of BDSM groups. They’d organise parties and sometimes to attend, you’d have to pay a fee. Not only that, but you’d have to share results that showed you didn’t have any STDs or STIs. During one of such parties, I met a woman who indulged my need to have unplanned sex.
Tell me about her.
She was not a constant in my life, and we had an off-and-on relationship from when I was 21 till I was 24 years old. I liked our relationship because it worked for us extremely well.
Explain “extremely well.”
My early twenties was when I explored the most, and she was responsible for it.
Having to plan sex made me very uninterested because I believe that sex is something that happens in the heat of the moment. Planning takes away the excitement.
So if I had a fantasy, I’d mention it to her and she’d do all the planning. The next time we see, it’ll unfold in front of me.
That must’ve been nice.
It was. I travelled to the UK at 24, so we weren’t able to continue the relationship we had.
Then at 26, I met another dom who was in his mid-forties. We met at another one of the sex parties. At the party, we chatted a bit and then linked up later to discuss boundaries and set up our agreement.
The relationship was the grounding point in my BDSM journey. He helped me discover I was a brat, schooled me a lot about the power that came with being a sub and helped me find a balance between the pleasure I wanted and the pain I liked.
With everything else I did when I was younger, I was inexperienced. He took me under his wing and made me more aware of myself.
Sounds like a mentor.
Exactly! A dom is your teacher and confidant. They look after your interests. That’s why it’s so easy for subs who don’t know what they’re doing to get abused and taken advantage of. There’s a lot of power you hand over to a dom. Anyone can misuse that.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Want to Dom a Man
What about romance?
It wasn’t a romantic relationship, just an agreement between two adults who knew what they wanted. We still talk but are no longer involved in that way. Mainly because I came back to Nigeria two years later.
Did you have another dom after him?
Yes, but it didn’t last long because he wasn’t exciting enough for me. Lack of excitement made me go kinda celibate.
Kinda celibate?
Well, I haven’t met anyone that excites me enough that I’d want to share my body with, but I also have needs. All the sex I’m currently having is with myself.
A lot of the people I’ve met in the Nigerian BDSM space are clueless or just experimenting. It’s not their fault. A lot of people are scared because of cultural, religious, and social biases against sex and sensuality.
However, I know what I want, and that’s to be more emotionally engaged. It’s interesting to me how what I’m looking for in a dom has changed over the years. Initially, I wanted someone strong-handed who would take charge of things and tell me what to do even though I’d fight.
Now, I’m more interested in someone that’ll engage my senses while they still have mental control. I want someone that’s completely invested in me as a person. Also, I’ve not been in the mental space to act as a sub for a long time. I feel like anyone who tries to come at me forcefully would have to fight me.
So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
The sex I’m having with myself? A 10. Sex with a partner? 0.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Was Celibate For Almost a Decade
