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Are you single due to no fault of your own (village people) or due to a fault of your own (madness, bad behaviour, selfishness, gaslighting, girl bossing, gatekeeping, inability to be someone’s peace, inability to piss one place make e foam — i.e. cheating) and will therefore spend this Valentine’s day alone snarling at couples in real life and online out of intense levels of jealousy unseen since Cain killed Abel?
If your answer to all that was yes, here are five ways to change your miserable fate.
Go to therapy.
The reason you’ve been unable to get anyone to love you could be because you have issues that can only be solved with the help of a mental health professional. Use the 14 days you have left between the time this article is being written and Valentine’s Day to find a therapist (or two, depending on the severity of your issues) and get to work. You don’t have time to ease into it, so you should be ready to vomit all your trauma onto that therapist’s floor during your first session.
If you’re lucky, someone will notice that you’ve changed and pick — you, choose you, love — you to do “my view, their view” with this year.
Try church.
Churches are full of people trying to better themselves, so you’ll fit right in. Just be sure not to drop the problems you showed up with and leave with someone else’s. For example, say you’re there to shake off the spiritual spouse you didn’t know tethered itself to you the time you gave your celebrity crush gluck-gluck sloppy-toppy 3000 in a dream. Don’t leave there with another demon that has no interest in you or your genitals and just wants to cause chaos.
It’s time to shine your spiritual eye.
Do juju.
Don’t make that face, ok? Deep down, you always knew it would come to this. You’re gonna find a way to get a lock of hair from your crush and take it to a Babalawo so they can jazz the person into liking you back. Contrary to popular belief, Babalawos are no longer hard to find. Hell, half the time, they’ll do the hard work by seeking you out.
Hijack someone’s proposal.
People have gotten engaged so much since November last year that I wondered if the rapture was coming and single people would be left behind. My point is that it shouldn’t be hard to find a proposal taking place. Find one, threaten one of them at gunpoint to leave and never return. Then take their place. Simple. Use the gun to get the other person to stay with you until Valentine’s Day.
Join a throuple.
If using violence or juju isn’t your thing, find a relationship that’s already in full gear and convince them to take you in by reciting Nicki Minaj’s second verse in the song Hey Mama. If it’s good enough for the white gays, it’s good enough for you.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
(Zikoko arrives at the interview location. When Naira told Zikoko he’ll choose the location, a bakery was the last place Zikoko saw the interview happening.)
Zikoko: What will my eyes not see because of this job, bayi?
(Zikoko takes a deep breath and walks into the deserted bakery.)
Zikoko: Hello, is anyone here? I have an interview with Naira
Naira: Yes, yes. Welcome!
(Naira comes out in a chef’s hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. Zikoko has never been more confused.)
Naira: Sorry for being late. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe.
Zikoko: You bake?
Naira: Well, I’ve been trying my hands at different things since it looks like this whole currency business isn’t working out well for me.
Zikoko: And you chose baking?(Zikoko mutters under their breath)See me thinking we’ll do this thing in CBN office, and I can take some ghana must gos on my way out.
Naira: Did you say something?
Zikoko: Just asking why you chose baking
Naira: Oh, yes. It’s actually a brilliant idea. You see, in baking, yeast makes things to rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking, my body would absorb some of that yeast and I’ll swell in value.
Zikoko: (Looks around for a camera because this can’t be real life.) And how’s that working out for you?
Naira: Well, the dollar was ₦890 black market rate before. Now, it’s seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little bit of yeast is all I need, and we’ll be good to go.
Zikoko: Have you ever heard of a currency using yeast to rise?
Naira: Well, no, but there’s a first time for everything. Is there not? Plus, our case is a peculiar one. I’m a bit desperate and trying my best here.
I’m the butt of jokes at all the currency meetings. Do you know dollar and pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me, “Mr Naira” and I was once respected on a global scale. Now, I’m just here.
Zikoko: And you think baking will fix that?
Naira: It’s fixing it already. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. I’ll be back.
(Naira rushes into the kitchen. Zikoko is still confused because, what the actual fuck is going on?)
Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): Sorry for the delay. You want a cookie?
(Zikoko picks one up to taste, and honestly, it’s the best cookie ever)
Zikoko: Truly, if this currency thing doesn’t w
ork out, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast can’t be your only plan.
Naira: It isn’t! I assure you. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where that’ll go.
Zikoko: You can’t mean…
Naira: The naira redesign. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they did the ₦100 notes in 2014. Look at how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes so they’d match. We’d have this cute and colourful aesthetic going on.
Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Can’t you see how great they look and how much value they have?
Because my value is depreciating doesn’t mean I should look scrappy. Must I look like what I’m going through?
Zikoko: But the rest of us who depend on you look like what we’re going through.
Naira: Well, you can ask for your own makeover, I guess. Maybe it’ll cheer you all up.
Zikoko: Do you have another plan?
Naira: Well, we can try to bring our kobo out of retirement.
Zikoko: When even ₦50 is going into retirement, you want to bring back the kobo?
Naira: I’m trying my best here. Nobody checks in on me these days. What about how I’m doing mentally? Always, “Why is the Naira like this?” not “How is the Naira?”
You didn’t even know I picked up a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated it when people compare you to others. Yet every day, you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health?
Zikoko: We’re sorry. We promise to do better.
Naira: Plus, why are you stressing me about it? Why not take it up with Meffy? It’s his job to make sure I perform great.
Zikoko: Meffy won’t answer us.
Naira: He’s being such a naughty boy. I’ll talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.
Zikoko: So you plan on doing something about inflation?
Naira: I’m going to give her some cookies. She’s one of my oldest friends, and we’ve been hanging out together a lot more. I think we might have something special going on.
Zikoko: But can’t you see the adverse effects of hanging around inflation all the time?
Naira: You can’t tell me who to love.
Zikoko: (Getting angry) You have to be joking.
Naira: I’m sensing that this environment has turned hostile and would like to end this interview. The bad vibes won’t be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next.
Zikoko: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, I’ll be on my way now.
Naira: Before you go, you owe me ₦5k for that cookie.
Zikoko: ₦5k keh? It’s just one cookie FGS. I even thought it was free.
Naira: Free? In this economy? Yesterday’s price isn’t today’s price, dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain, and I like to keep my baby happy.
Zikoko: But ₦5k for a singular cookie is too much.
Since we all know most Nigerian mothers are in love with love their sons, here are some things you should note before you meet your future mother-in-law for the first time.
Start crawling from the gate to greet her
Imagine trying to greet your future mother-in-law with a hug and a smile? As you enter the gate, take off your shoes and start crawling and you sing her praises. “Oh Lord and personal mistress, I have come o!”
No make up or artificial nails. If possible, come naked
Well, since this is your chance to prove that you’ll be a good wife, might as well come naked. Since we’ve turned a visit to inspection. Let them know what they’re really getting into.
Pound yam and fetch firewood
Because the people that invented gas and pounding machines are FOOLS! You’re an industrious woman that can make sure her boyfriend is well taken care of in true traditional fashion irrespective of the circumstances.
When you finish cooking, kneel down and serve your boyfriend
A humble girlfriend is a good girlfriend. Your master boyfriend needs to eat, and as a subservient girlfriend, you have to serve your king while on your knees. If he goes to the kitchen to dish his food himself, you’ve lost the plot.
If you’re taller than your boyfriend’s mother, reduce your height
If not they’d think you’re proud. How can you as a woman be taller than your future mother-in-law? Does that not mean you think you’re above her? Your better shrink your height.
Fetch water in the house before you leave
So what if they have running water? Find empty basins and fetch some water. You can even ask your mother-in-law to join you. You can’t spell bondage without bond, innit?
You’re eating meat at your boyfriend’s mother’s house? Is this playing? Who the fuck do you think you are? Better return the meat. How else will they know you’re humble and from a good home?
Sing the national anthem
Nobody wants a daughter-in-law that isn’t patriotic. If you really want to burst her head? Sing the second stanza too. Omo mehn.
Mop their compound
At this point, you’re thinking outside the box. An innovative queen.
There are lots of books on how to raise a son, but none on how to be the perfect Nigerian mother-in-law to your son’s wife. That’s why we have taken it upon ourselves to answer this clarion call and provide you with the tools needed to be the most hated sought-after Nigerian mother-in-law.
Treat your son like an infant
We all know he’s not capable of doing basic chores even though he’s an grown man, so you must make his wife go above and beyond to make up for his inadequacy.
Never beat the Oedipus Complex allegations
Since you’re your son’s first love, anyone that has come to take a place in his life as mother wife needs to come correct. She has to walk like you, talk like you, cook like you, and even dress like you.
How dare you attempt to get to know his wife over things like spa dates and sleepovers? You don’t need such softness in your life, YOU’RE A WAR! Act like it! Both of you should bond over pounding yam at 3 a.m. because that’s what real women do!
Give her ridiculous tests
Your daughter-in-law may have thought that graduating from school meant no more tests, but she’s wrong! Test her till you can test no more. Back in the day, they tested by offering the daughter-in-law money to leave their son, but unfortunately, these days, dollar prices have gone up but I trust you can find another way.
Does she know you are the most important person in your son’s life? She has to. And what better way than to find ways to remind and humble her. She asks her husband for 1k? Ask for 10! You all want to enter your son’s car? Compete for the front seat and make her sit at the back. Because it’s like she doesn’t know her place. Mtchew.
Hound her for grandchildren
Having grandchildren is definitely the most important thing on your list, not less important things like building a loving home or surviving Nigeria. So, disturb her. It doesn’t matter if your son is unable to father children. She must get pregnant.
Move in with them for a while
Honeymoon phase? For here? They will like cohabitation.
Some people monitor their calendars ahead of Christmas, while others just go about it like it’s just another day, even though they can’t completely ignore it. Here are some signs that signal the arrival of the sparkly lights and excess jollof rice season.
Mariah Carey and Boney M rise up like Lazarus
These two artists force their way into our lives every Christmas. For millennials and Gen Zs, it’s Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas, but for your parents and grandparents, be sure to hear a lot of Boney M starting next week.
2. Eko Hotel roundabout starts to look like a Christmas lights battlefield
For Lagosians, nothing signals the arrival of Christmas like driving past Eko Hotel and seeing that they’ve turned the roundabout into Father Christmas’ guest house. The moment you see this, you know it’s time to start buying and hoarding chickens before they start adding ₦100 to everything.
3. Everything becomes expensive AF!
Someone needs to explain the logic behind this. Every year, once sellers start to smell December, they go on their WhatsApp group and decide to increase their prices. They just feel like it’s time to show us pepper. If you like, walk away, no one will call you back to give you another “last price”.
4. Everyone and their daddy is having a concert
We know this all too well. Tickets are already on sale. Nothing heralds Christmas more than musical concerts. The tickets usually say 7 p.m., but real ones know that the main artist will probably be turning semo by that time, so it’s best to go at midnight when witches are having their own conference.
5. Christmas carols services and fundraising everywhere
As if they are competing with the “worldly” crowd, you can count on churches to increase the number of harvests and bazaars they have on their roster. Christmas Carols will also happen nonstop from Monday to Saturday. Anytime you blink, you’ll probably see three kings offering gold, frankincense and crypto coins.
[newsletter]
6. Red and green everywhere!
From those sparkly lights that look like thorns to some of your co-workers’ outfits, be prepared to see a lot of red and green. By mid-December, we doubt you’ll remember any other primary color.
7. No more sequins in the market
Christmas brings with it a strong Nigerian urge to look like a mirror ball. It’s like everyone wants to shine just in case there’s a power outage. Buy your sequins now before it’s too late. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
8. IJGBs are littered around like red sand in Benin
Get ready for a lot of “innits” and “back in the states”, as Christmas is the only time our brothers and sisters in the diaspora decide to visit and flex on us (it’s not easy living in a country that actually works!). After months of trying their hands at Nigerian dance moves and making “My African parent” videos for TikTok, they finally come back for premium rocks and fornication. Want to blend in? Start practising your British-Amerigbor accent now.
9. You start spending money you don’t have
The Christmas season is when your mouth will convince you that your taste palette has changed, and it’s time to start eating like crazy because it’s detty december. We’ll advise you to think again. The trumpet won’t blow in December, and don’t forget rent is due at the end of January. A word is enough for the wise.
10. Flight tickets become more expensive than drugs
Similar to market prices, you can bet that the price of your average flight will double. If you still haven’t bought your ticket by now, omo, to Jesus be your glory o!
If you’re a Nigerian living in Nigeria, we don’t need to tell you that times are hard. Working for our daily “N2k” used to be enough but with the way the Naira’s value keeps somersaulting up and down, N2k doesn’t cut it anymore.. Inspired by some of our favorite occult Nollywood movies, we’ve compiled a list of tested and trusted people you can use for blood money when poverty starts to choke you. Remember, this is based on old Nollywood, we have zero experience.
Your First Wife
This wife is probably the one you truly love. You know, the one you used to chase around a tree while singing Westlife songs? Yes. Tony Umez did it in “Billionaire’s Club” and look how much money he made! Granted, she might haunt you for as long as you live, but what’s a little haunting to a truckload of hard currency? When the sacrifice is done and the credit alert hits, marry a new wife to help you spend the money on exorbitant trips abroad..
Your Younger Brother
Nigerians always claim to know someone in their village who just happens to be richer than Bill Gates. Do you want to make this local champions Forbes list? Then it’s time for your younger brother to join the hosts of heaven or hell (wherever he goes is up to him). The ball in your court, Lebron. Do the needful.
Your First Born
This right here is a classic! We don’t even have to cite old Nollywood. Just look at Abraham, who was willing to stab and roast his little boy in the Bible. If you want an example that’s “closer to home,” binge watch films featuring Kanayo O. Kanayo and Clem Ohameze. You’ll learn a few things about this.
Bonus point: according to Nollywood, the worst thing a dead baby can do while haunting you is cry constantly at night. Thankfully technology has given us noise cancellation headphones.
Your Mother
Compiling this list, we came to the conclusion that old Nollywood was deeply misogynistic. Why was it only men that made these sacrifices? Why wasn’t anyone sacrificing their father? Anyways, our views aside, giving up your mum the way Zack Orji did in “Blood Money” is a surefire way to constant credit alerts, with a sprinkle of madness.
Yourself
We’re sure you didn’t see this coming. If you’re willing to let all these people die, you must be ready to expire like fried rice. According to old Nollywood, how this works is that you make a deal to be rich for a certain number of years just so you can die on a super dramatic birthday, like your 40th or 50th. This definitely gives a new meaning to “enjoy your youth while it lasts.”
All people on Twitter do all day is insult each other and talk about what their love language is. And that makes sense because the older you get, the more you understand what your love language is, and the ways you want to love and be loved. That being said, have you ever thought about what your love language(s) think about you?
Well, we talked to them and here’s what they really have to say about you. Brace yourself for shade because not all of what they say is nice.
Physical Touch
Lean on me no be press me die, please. Let your partner have some breathing space. I don’t know why you want to enter your partner’s body when you have yours. Please, stop using me as an excuse for body invader behaviour. Have you considered the possibility that your partner might really like their personal space but hasn’t complained yet because they don’t want to hurt your feelings? No, you haven’t. Because you’re selfish.
Gift Giving
Jesus already gave his life as a gift, so tell me why you are breaking the bank and your back to buy a gift. Overall best in love and intentionality. To people who love to receive gifts, I need you to know the item you took from your partner’s closet wasn’t a gift from them to you. Try to return it or ask them for it, you fucking thief.
Acts Of Service
Actual overall best in love and romance — you and Jesus are in the same group chat. Nigerian mobile networks and internet service providers should learn work from you when it comes to providing service.
Quality Time
Yoruba men are not very familiar with this one, so imagine my shock whenever I hear them mention me as one of their love languages. What Yoruba men are great at is time management, which explains how they can visit their 5 wives and 24 girlfriends in 24hrs. King Solomon could’ve learned a thing or two from Yoruba men.
Words of Affirmation
Of all the love languages, I am the one that has suffered the most. Liars have perfected the art of using me to get whatever they want in relationships/situationships., This has happened so much, I can’t tell when they’re telling the truth or lying their asses off. Even people who use me to reaffirm themselves use me to lie. They finish affirming themselves and go back to do the same thing they said they’ll no longer do. Like going back to that ex who you know is toxic for you but gives good sex. More than anything, I want you to want better for yourself. Have some self-respect.
We already talked about the things heterosexual Nigerian men should not be caught doing. Now, we’re about to be more specific. If you’re a true Nigerian alpha male, who beats his chest like a gorilla and doesn’t wipe his ass, these are the colours you must never be caught wearing.
1. Pink
Everyone knows pink is for women and little girls, so what are you doing wearing any piece of clothing that has pink on it? Are you a Disney princess, a Powerpuff girl, or that one female member of the Voltron team? Because that’s the only reason you should be seen wearing pink.
2. White
White? What are you? A KKK member? The white power ranger? A Nollywood ghost? If you wear white, how can someone tell you apart from a bride? You might as well be cosplaying as Madonna from the “Like a Virgin” music video.
3. Yellow
We already know Nigerian men can never be caught wearing yellow for any reason, but we don’t want to take any chances, so this is a final official warning. If you wear yellow out of your house, we’re all just going to assume that you’re a street marketer for Blue Band and will give you a touch of blue to complete the look. Speaking of blue…
4. Light blue
If you wear light blue, your penis will disappear. If you think we’re lying, try it. Good luck spending the rest of your life looking like a Ken doll “down there” and having to pee out of your mouth.
5. Dark blue
Dark blue may seem like a manly colour, but it’s really not. Blue is blue. The only males that should wear blue are children doing inter-house sports and the Genie from Disney’s “Aladdin.”. Any other person that wears blue is a dead guy and must be treated as such. We don’t make the rules. We just follow them.
6. Red
If you’re not a movie babalawo or a particularly sassy Mount Zion movie prostitute ironically named Mary, there’s no reason you should be wearing red. Go find another colour, you Nollywood cliché.
7. Purple
Imagine being an alpha male that goes to the gym and cheats on women who also wears purple? Are you mad?! Who are you supposed to be? Tinky Winky or Daphne from Scooby-Doo? Why are you embarrassing all of us scummy men like this?
8. Any colour on the rainbow
Have you ever seen people’s reactions to rainbows? All they do is say “Awwww” and then begin to take pictures. Nobody fears rainbows. DO YOU WANT THEM TO LOOK AT YOU AND SAY AWWWW?
9. Black
Real men don’t wear black. Other men are already wearing black, so why do you want to do “and co” with random men. That’s definitely not a manly trait. Please fix up.
Dear rich kings, we’re thinking of you in a period where money is the only thing people want from relationships. If a woman exhibits at least 4 of the signs in this article, she’s only dating you for your money.
1. She likes food
If a woman has “foodie” in her bio, and constantly posts pictures of things like pasta, she’s just looking for someone that will fund her lifestyle. Run o.
2. She’s on Instagram
Any woman that is on Instagram is only there to find expensive things for men to buy for them. Avoid these types of women. On the first date, check her phone. If you see Instagram there, run.
3. She has a birthday wishlist
Are you Father Christmas? Why is she sending you her wishlist? Women are good planners. She only got with you so that you will be able to fund her birthday wishlist. Run.
4. You’re a tech bro
You don’t have to be working at PiggyVest to be a tech bro o. If you can use a phone or a laptop, you are a tech bro. Once a woman knows that you can operate a laptop, that’s the end. She will be looking for your money.
5. She says she loves you
If your babe tells you she loves you, she’s just trying to scam you into spending money on her. Break up with her.
6. She doesn’t say she loves you
If she doesn’t say she loves you, it’s obvious that she’s not in this relationship for emotional purposes, but for financial purposes. Break up with her.
7. She buys you gifts
This one is for smart gold diggers. If a woman buys a car for you, better don’t collect it. It means she wants you to buy 3 cars and 1 house for her in return. Think smart, king.
8. She has friends
Women with friends are the most dangerous. One moment you’re chilling, the next she wants an iPhone because her friends are using iPhones too. Be careful.
9. She doesn’t buy you gifts
If she doesn’t buy you gifts, she’s obviously in the relationship for one-sided financial purposes only. Run.
10. She cannot follow you to do bend down select
What is love? Is it not for better or worse?
11. She doesn’t have her own apartment
This means she’s only with you because you have an apartment. Don’t allow it happen.
12. Her love language is receiving gifts
Out of all the love languages, the only one she saw to pick was receiving gifts? That’s how you know a scammer from far away.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.
The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.
Zikoko: Hello.
Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.
That one is your business.
Ahan, why?
Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.
I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.
Alright, start.
First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me.
That is what you all say.
Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head.
I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.
Chai!
Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?
Go on.
They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.
You don’t mean it.
Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?
Hmm.
I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.
But wait oh.
Yes?
You are changing the story here, please.
As how?
People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—
A liar?
I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.
So what does he become?
An editor of true events…
See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.
Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.
This cap, you are lying.
Ehn?
Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.
So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?
Yes.
Oya prove it.
We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…
Okay…
But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.
That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.
My point is, you too, you are responsible.
Responsible for what?
Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.
I-
That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.
Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.
We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.
In that case, you must pay.
Pay for what?
For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?
Very good. [Begins to dial a number]
Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.
Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.
Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.
Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.
Ah, I did not say that oh.
Their address? It is at Number-
[Zikoko runs away.]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
So your man is cheating, but you want to remain with him and don’t know how to do it? Never fear, here is the Zikoko guide to staying with a cheating man.
1) Take it to God in prayer
Ask God to give you the grace to continue in the marriage. There is nothing God cannot do, including making his penis fall off. Constant prayer might even lead to his penis being stolen every time he wants to cheat. The man is what is more important, there are many penises in the sea.
2) Be friends with his mistresses
A happy home is a healthy home and all parts of the home should be accounted for, including the mistresses. They say to keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer, so what better way to keep your enemies closer than to unionize with them to overthrow the source of your stress? Unions work.
3) Give him children
It is possible the reason he is able to cheat is because there are not enough children in the house to take his attention. We all know busy fathers do not have time to cheat, so start giving him children. The children do not even have to be his biologically, but the point is to give them to him.
4) Cheat back
If you are too busy planning your next dick appointment, you will not have time to worry about what he is doing. However they want to look at it, Ojoro cancels ojoro and the marriage becomes peaceful.
5) Be the source of his peace
The only ultimate source of peace is death, so for him to attain true peace RIP that man.
6) Tap into your divine feminine energy
When you have fully realised yourself as a divine feminine, things like cheating will be beneath you. Ascend and become the woman you were meant to be.
7) Be matured about it
Only mature women can really hack how to stay with a cheating man. When you mature like corn that is ready to be roasted, the ability to stay with your man will only come naturally. Matured women know that it one penis forever
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.
Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.
Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.
Eagle: You’re welcome.
Horse 1: It’s nothing.
Horse 2: Thank you for having us.
We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.
Horse 2: Busy doing what?
Eagle: [Loud laughter]
Horse 1: You people should behave now. Let it not be that everyone will know what is going on.
Horse 2: LMAO. Any Nigerian that does not know what is going on at this point, well, sorry for that person.
Eagle: Abi oh.
Horse 1: Still, that does not mean—
Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.
Eagle: Look, Mr Interviewer, we are not busy at all.
Horse 2: We stopped being busy a long time ago. So all this talk of making the interview short because we are busy, please just forget it. Ask us anything you want to know.
Horse 1:[Sigh]
Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?
Horse 2: As how?
As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?
Horse 1: I guess it’s because of what we represent. Eagle represents strength, and me and my brother here, we represent Nigeria’s dignity.
Horse 2: Which useless dignity?
Eagle: E reach to ask.
Horse 2: Eagle, leave him, let him answer me. I say which dignity? Me and you both know that people are now borrowing us to do photoshoot, so where is the dignity?
If we had the dignity you are mentioning, do you think we would be doing photoshoot as side hustle?
Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?
Horse 2: That is one job I hope I never do again. The way Tobi grabbed my neck ehn, I wanted to ask him that, “If it was like this everybody has been grabbing me, would you have met me alive?” But I don’t blame him sha. It’s the country that led me into this mess.
Horse 1: Before you think we are corrupt, please understand that it’s desperation that made us take that job. We have seen what this country does to other animals, and despite being paraded as celebrity animals on the coat of arms, we knew it would reach our turn one day.
Look at Lion, king of the jungle. He entered Nigeria and correct sapa became his true love.
Horse 2: Oho. If a tragedy this great can befall him, how much more me and my fellow horse who do not have any chieftaincy titles whatsoever?
I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?
Horse 1: 2k.
Horse 2: [Hisses] Urgent 2k that I used to buy Strepsils to cure my sore throat. Anyway sha, I have learnt my lesson. Photoshoot is now from N5k upwards. To grab neck, N10k. No pay, no pose.
But why this line of action?
Eagle: This is why I hate all these interviewers.
Sorry?
Eagle: You saw how some animals are being elevated above others in this country, and you are still coming here to ask us why this line of action. What else do you want us to do?
Horse 2: See ehn.
Eagle: In this very country, a snake entered JAMB office and swallowed 36 million naira, you did not ask why. In this very country, cows are first class citizens and actual Nigerians are second class citizens, yet you did not ask why. Ordinary 2k that we are collecting for photoshoot, you are asking why. Abeg abeg.
I’m sorry.
Horse 2: Omo, your sorry cannot do anything. It’s Lord Lugard you should go and beg. Let him undo this curse of a country. I am tired of holding up a shield with my fellow horse. Let us relax small.
Eagle: The way I am tired of perching! I don’t know why they made me stay on the coat of arms at all. I honestly don’t get it.
Horse 2: You are even trying. Only you, Coat of Arms, only you EFCC logo.
Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?
Eagle: When I say this country keeps sharing people, did you think I was lying? I am a living example. As if my work as Coat of Arms eagle is not enough, they still came and put me inside photoshoot for EFCC logo.
Shebi you see how rough my hair looks in the photo. They didn’t even allow me to brush it.
Horse 1: That’s why you tried to escape to Canada, isn’t it?
Wait what?
Horse 2: MUST YOU SAY EVERYTHING?! It’s in your mouth they will hear that Aisha Buhari is no longer sleeping at home.
Eagle: Who knows, he’s probably the one that went to snitch and made them catch me at the border.
The eagle 🦅 in the Nigerian coat of arms after they caught it at the Canadian border. pic.twitter.com/hEgfORnAsc
Eagle: That one is even your personal problem. That they caught me the first time does not mean I will not try again. Even Buhari did not become president on the first attempt.
But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?
Horse 2: Pele oh, way maker.
Eagle: Miracle worker, promise keeper.
Horse 2: Light in the darkness.
Horse 1: My God!
Eagle: That is who you are.
Horse 1: I didn’t say that to side you people. I said “My God” because I was tired of how you ganged up against the interviewer.
Horse 2: This kind of behaviour will not get you anywhere. You probably need to become a cow first, and then they can elevate you.
Eagle: Tell us, Interviewer, since you seem to know everything. What is Nigeria’s motto?
Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.
Eagle: Good. Do you know where they are now?
Um...
Horse 2: An Igbo family has adopted them. Go to Nnewi or Anambra and shout Unity, Faith, Peace, Progress and see if those four girls will not come rushing.
Wow.
Horse 1: Don’t let—
Horse 2: There is nothing wow here. If Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress can go back to their family house, who are we not to find a means to survive?
So what’s the plan now?
Horse 1: No, listen—
Horse 2: Na mumu dey talk him plan for interview.
Eagle: Me I will say it. By this time next year, I will be in Canada. I declare it into existence.
But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?
Eagle: Burna Boy is your giant. Let me rest.
Horse 1: We can’t all leave. I am ready to make things better.
Horse 2: Nobody is stopping you. But open your eyes. Aisha Buhari the first lady is in Dubai.
Eagle: Even Buhari went to the UK and is currently collecting breeze.
Horse 2: So what is now my own, me that I’m an ordinary horse? Omo, you better pick your passport and one or two clothes and—
You have a passport??
Eagle: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.
Horse 2: Is it now us that will now hold?
[The horses gallop away. The Eagle dusts its wings and flies out through the window]
How it started vs. How it’s going
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
Deliverance is important oh, especially to those of you who are manifesting any of these signs listed here. You may think all is well with you, but if you do at least 7 things on this list, all is not well.
You need serious deliverance.
1. They cook because of hunger, but when they finish cooking, they are too full to eat out of it.
We know it’s not you, it’s something else. And that’s why you need deliverance.
2. They wake up in the midnight and start washing their bathroom and toilet.
Don’t hide, we see you.
3. They want people to visit them but never want to leave their own house.
Shebi you sef can see that something is wrong with you.
4. They can be in a WhatsApp group chat for months and not say anything.
And they won’t feel bad about it. SMH. You better kneel and let’s pray for you.
5. They enjoy staying in the dark.
Dark curtains, lights off, everywhere black. My dear, remove yourself from that darkness with immediate alacrity.
6. They offer to cook for people but won’t cook for themselves when they are hungry.
Did you come to this life to be a cook? You need deliverance oh.
7. They prefer series to movies.
This one needs no argument. You are definitely possessed.
8. They can eat one thing consistently for a week.
All you people that say, “So-so is my best food, I can eat it forever.” Let us tell you, it is a severe deliverance that will separate you from that food.
9. They do laundry at night.
Hm, answer and tell us if this does not show that you need intervention.
10. They can stay in a house for months without people knowing.
How is it doing you? Omo, seek help oh.
11. They eat avocados.
You want to hear the truth? Avocado was the forbidden fruit that pursued Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden.
12. They sleep with the lights on.
We been knew. Ogbanje.
13. They live in Lagos.
You think people living in Lagos are not in need of deliverance? They do oh. Imagine living in a city that wants to run you mad. God abeg. You better go for deliverance.
Should you or should you not tie wrapper in your matrimonial home?
Some people will say you should and some will say you shouldn’t. But I have just come back from Instagram where women are waging serious war against wrappers, and the spirit told me to inform you about the spiritual implications of allowing wrapper into your matrimonial home.
She who has an ear, let her follow Zikoko hear what the spirit is saying at her own peril.
1. Your natural beauty will vanish.
That wrapper will wrap your beauty until there is nothing left again.
2. You will no longer be good in bed.
Go and ask people. It’s just that they will not talk, because they won’t like to expose themselves.
3. Your children will start running away from you.
Because, really, who is this woman without natural beauty?
4. Your husband will look at you and see his great-grandmother that fell into a well in 1954 and died of cough and catarrh.
Naturally, he will burst into song. You know the song? Ancient of days, as old as you are…
5. Of course, your husband will cheat.
That’s how he will be begging the other woman who wears low-waist jeans and spaghetti top, or show-me-your-back and leggings.
6. Even your children will call another woman Mummy.
Where is the woman they know as Mummy? The one who sleeps and wakes up in high heels? The one who wears wig and lipstick to the bathroom? Who is this woman who ties wrapper like a rapper?
7. Sis, your mates will refer to you as Mummy oh.
They will even be afraid to invite you out sef, because what if you tie wrapper and call it fashion?
8. Grey hair will start showing.
Mummy wa, may your days be long oh. Do you even remember the function of a bra?
9. The Nigerian Association Of Witches will definitely recruit you.
And because you are angry at how unfair you husband has been to you, his penis will be the first thing you will sacrifice.
He left you because of wrapper, so you too will wrap his penis in shawarma bread and eat it. Ojoro cancel.
10. And finally, your husband’s family will send you packing.
Tying wrapper is the enemy of your marriage. It is the reason for all the problems in Nigeria today. It is the sole reason why men cheat. So, wear your bra to bed. Sleep in your waist-trainer and girdle. Jog in your high heels. Cook while wearing your bone-straight.
Just boycott wrapper and save your marriage today. We have said our own.
Sometimes, we make decisions because we think we are grown and happening adults, meanwhile, we (yes, we) are still foolish and unserious.
Here are a few simple signs that you are still an unserious adult.
1. When you tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them
First and foremost, who even does that? You have to wait for at least 2-5yrs before they know you have feelings for them. Sorry, but you don fuck up and now they’ve seen you finish, unserious adult.
2. When you don’t tell them you love them two weeks after knowing them
Is it until you see their wedding photos before you’ll let them know you love them?. We advise you to fall in love with them immediately before they leave you and go and find love somewhere else.
3.When you eat the last piece of meat in the pot
In this case, you are not only being unserious but infact you are also greedy too and you don’t know how to save for rainy days. If you eat the last meat in the pot what will you eat tomorrow, see yourself?
4.When you don’t eat the last piece of meat in the pot
LMFAO, you didn’t eat the last piece of meat now someone has eaten it. Next time you to be wise and fast. The patient dog no longer eats the fattest bone.
5.When you study for the job interview.
Are you trying to say you don’t trust your God-given brain?. Believe in your sauce please, drop those books you are reading. By now, adulting should have taught you enough.
6.When you don’t study for the job interview.
Lmfao, you actually trusted your god given brain, now look at your life outside. Sorry dear, unemployment looks good on you.
Who even tells their parents they are going out, we all know how stiff Nigerian parents are and we know they’ll give you grief for even thinking of going out. Bad bitches don’t let their parents know their next move, except you aren’t a bad bitch, you are an unserious adult.
8.When you don’t tell your parents you are going out and you get kidnapped.
You didn’t tell your parents you were going now, now gbomo gbomo has carried you and your parents don’t know where you are. You think you are big now, and can go out without telling your parents, sorry about that.
The woman described in Proverbs 31 is the ideal woman many men expect women to be. And it’s interesting how men are quick to say they are looking for a Proverbs 31 woman when they themselves are far from being a Proverbs 31 man.
Who is a Proverbs 31 man?
Ah, I knew you’d ask. Well, we formed him from the ribs of the Proverbs 31 woman. Here are the characteristics of the Proverbs 31 man.
Enjoy (and apply to your lives).
Epilogue: The Husband of Noble Character
10 An excellent man [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is she who can find him? His value is more precious than diamonds and his worth is far above bitcoin or ethereum. 11 The heart of his wife trusts in him [with secure confidence because she knows he dares not cheat or disrespect her], And she will have no reason to be put to shame.
12 He comforts, encourages, and does his wife only good and not evil All the days of his life. 13 He looks for wool and flax serious money [because money answereth all things] And works with willing hands in delight [without being forced, or cajoled or offered sex as a bait]. 14 He is like the Igbo man’s container [abounding with treasure]; He brings his [household’s] food from far away. 15 He rises also while it is still night [while his wife sleeps in their King size bed, AC blowing her like there’s no tomorrow] And gives food to his household And assigns tasks to his houseboys [should he even have houseboys sef?] 16 He considers a land before he buys or accepts it [expanding his business prudently—look at Dangote, Otedola and Mike Adenuga. Do they have two heads?]; With his profits, he plants fruitful vines in her vineyard [buys expensive things for his wife and children and flies them abroad on a steady]. 17 He equips himself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for his God-given task as a husband, a shield, a menial worker ready to take on the burden of his family] And he makes his arms strong [not just by going to the gym, because biceps without money to back it up is a sheer waste of time and energy].
18 He [shines his eyes and] sees that his gain is good; His lamp generator does not go out, but it burns continually through the night [he is prepared for whatever lies ahead—PHCN wahala, outrageous bills, cost of fuel]. 19 He stretches out his hands to [business partners], And his hands hold fast [as he spins wool into thread for clothing signs contract after contract]. 20 He opens and extends his hand to the poor, And he reaches out his filled hands to the needy. 21 He does not fear the snow [Harmattan] for his household, For all in his household are clothed in [expensive] scarlet [wool]. 22 He makes for himself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry [and if he cannot make it, let him buy it with the money he is making]. His clothing is linen, pure and fine, and purple [wool]. [There are a number of designer brands he can consider too]. 23 His wife is known in the [city’s] gates, When she sits among the elders [other happening babes and women] of the land. 24 He makes [fine] linen garments and sells them [and if he’s not into selling clothes, there are a number of trades he can consider]; And supplies sashes to the merchants. 25 Strength and dignity are his clothing and his position is strong and secure; And he smiles at the future [knowing that he and his family are prepared to japa to Canada when Nigeria gets worse, which it will].
26 He opens his mouth in [skillful and godly] wisdom [and he doesn’t jamtalk or chook mouth in women’s business], And the teaching of kindness is on his tongue [giving counsel and instruction]. 27 He looks well to how things go in his household [not that they will have to be reminding him every time], And does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 His children rise up and call him blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); His wife also, and she praises him, saying, 29 “Many men have done nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], But you excel them all, olowo ori mi [or dim, if she’s Igbo].” 30 Bear-bear and six packs are deceptive, and [superficial] handsomeness is vain, But a man who fears the Lord [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], he shall be praised. 31 Give him of the product of his hands, And let his own works [that is, his wife’s beauty and expensive taste, his foreign-educated children, his fine house and plenty cars, his diligence and uprightness] praise him in the gates [of the city].
We heard that you want to japa. Toh, we are happy for you oh, but we know how you like to put your mouth in what does not concern you, so we decided to warn you about some of the things you will see in obodo oyinbo.
1. Gay people are there oh. Do you still want to go?
Do you really want to go to a country where gay people will be kissing on the road? Are you sure you will not go blind if you see them like this? Better stay in Nigeria where such a thing cannot happen.
2. Hmm, oyinbo women wear bum short to the market oh.
How will you now survive like this, you that you always call women ashewo and believe that bum short is why they rape women? Are you sure you will not land in oyinbo jail like this?
3. Omo, there are feminists abroad oh.
Not just ordinary feminists, we mean feminists that believe the patriarchy should die by fire. Will you still survive like this, seeing how patriarchy is the air you inhale and exhale.
4. That abroad you want to go, hmm, some people don’t believe in God oh.
Will you not tell them that they will go to hell fire like this? Shebi you kuku know that you like to say things nobody sent you. Anyway, if it leads to fighting and they deport you, it’s holy deportation. Afterall, you’re doing spiritual work.
You sef, why would you want to go to that kind of country? Better stay in Nigeria where they don’t do that kind of thing. Nigeria the holy of holies, the place where the angels will start marking heavenly attendance.
6. Abroad can corrupt you oh.
You’ll drink their water now, next thing you know, you have started doing everything they are doing there. You that you are a person of culture, Culturechukwu, Culturedolapo, Culturebashir, Cultureosas. What will people say?
7. You can be abroad and you will not hear when the trumpet will sound.
Better stay in Nigeria where your only hindrance to heaven is generator noise. At least you will suffer on earth and go and enjoy in heaven — that is if you make it into heaven sha.
Dear kings, before you ask that woman to marry you, please check if these signs are manifesting in her life. May we not marry a feminist in disguise. 🤡
1. Tell her that after marriage, she’ll not use her degree because you’ll open shop in front of the house for her.
If she agrees, she has not collected the injection of feminism. If she does not agree, that one na bad market. Dump her quickly. You don’t want a wife that will be going to office like you.
2. Take her to your parents house.
If she does not carry broom to start sweeping, that’s the first sign. If they serve her three meat and she eats two, that’s the final sign. God forbid that you marry a woman who does not want to be a modern slave.
3. Check her dressing.
If she does not like wearing bra, she is definitely a feminist. Oho, she wants to feel like a man, abi? If you check well, she’ll probably have a rubber penis in her traveling bag. That one na ogbologbo feminist. My guy, run.
4. Did she toast you herself or you toasted her??
If she was the one that came to you, oga better say no. It is only feminists that approach men. Those women have demonic courage.
5. If she likes to be on top during sex, my guy flee oh.
Why will a woman want to be on top during sex?? Oho, she wants to be the head and not the neck abi? Besides sef, why is she having sex with you before marriage? She’s definitely a feminist. They are the ones who have sex before their appointed time.
6. Create a burner account and follow her on social media.
If she ever tweets men are trash or say that men are goats, my guy. You know what to do. You know that you are trash, but is it her place to say?
7. Take her on a date and see if she offers to split the bill.
Hmm. Where did she see money? And what is she trying to prove by offering to split the bill? That one will not hear control when you wed her.
8. Buy her gift and see if she buys you gifts too.
If she does, oga run. She’s trying to prove equality. Who is she to spend on you? So that one day when you say you’re the head of the family, she’ll say she’s also the head? Because of 3-in-1 boxer shorts? May God not collect the position of head from you.
9. She does not go to church.
Hmm. Na from there e dey start. Rebellion against spiritual authority. If she does not obey God, what is the assurance that she will obey you, you that you are even bigger than God.
10. She does not like to cook.
Guy, what will you eat when you two marry? Does she not know that food is your remote control? Dump her osiso. Before you marry something that will use hunger to unplug your life from the socket.
11. She does not want children.
This one is looking for a way to erase your family line. How can a woman not want children? She wants your family name to die with you. May God separate you from that kind of demonic agent. Can I hear your Amen?
12. She participated in the buss it challenge and silhouette challenge.
That one na Feminist with PhD. Exposing her body because she thinks she has control over it. Guy, run. Run before that feminist in disguise will destroy your life.
But please don’t stop running. Run away with all your nonsense, because which feminist in her right mind will marry a man like you anyway?
Childbirth is no walk in the park, as anyone who has endured it will confess, but if you ask some Nigerian men, they’ll swear it’s as easy as passing gas.
So, since Nigerian men seem to know so much about giving birth, we think it is time women passed the baton to them, and we’ve listed seven reason why men should consider taking it.
1. It’s the ultimate sign of love
What better way to show your woman you love her than getting pregnant and giving her beautiful babies that will almost definitely look more like her than they do you. Then to top it off, let the child take her last name like you weren’t involved at all. Isn’t that so romantic?
2. No issues of paternity fraud
Based on statistics that Nigerian men constantly pull out of their asses, it’s been said that Nigeria has the largest cases of paternity fraud in the world. If men carry the babies, they would never have to worry about who the real father of the baby is. Problem solved.
3. Another chance to show off your strength
Nigerian men pride themselves in being hyper-masculine, and strength is the ultimate sign of masculinity. We all know women exaggerate just how painful childbirth is, so this would be a perfect opportunity to show women just how strong you are compared to them.
4. They can make good use of all that pushiness
Since Nigerian men have spent their entire lives perfecting the art of being incredibly pushy, they should have no issues pushing a whole baby out of whichever hole they see fit.
5. Men snapback faster than women
We all know that women who don’t lose the pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table are just lazy. Thankfully, a man would never let himself go like that. The snapback would be instant, making it impossible for your woman to be tempted to cheat on you.
6. Women will finally shut up
Women are always complaining about simple things like breastfeeding, morning sickness, hormonal changes and the rest. Once men take on these things with the ease they take on everything else, women will finally see that they were just exaggerating.
7. Less temptation to cheat
If Nigerian men got pregnant, they would cheat less. We all know the reason Nigerian wives never cheat (yes, quote us) is because they’re out of commission 9 months in a row. If Nigerian men took on that burden, they wouldn’t have time to cheat or maintain two families.
In 2020 we published a comprehensive guide on the places to find a sugar daddy in Nigeria. Now that you’ve found one, what next? This article is a guide on the qualities to look out for.
1) He sleeps/attempts to sleep with only one of your friends
All because he’s a thoughtful person who doesn’t want to embarrass you in public.
2) He asks God for forgiveness immediately after every round of sex
Because he’s actually God-fearing uno?
3) He does only one round of sex
Because he understands that your body is a temple and he treats it as such.
4) He doesn’t fornicate on Sundays
This is where he draws the line.
5) He under promises and over delivers
You: Will I have a good time?
Sugar daddy: I’ll try my best.
Narrator: They had a hell of a good time.
6) He allows you sleep off on his arm
Younger men left the chat.
7) He lives up to the “sugar” in his name
Anything you want, he buys it.
8) He’s honest about his wife’s ability to fight and beat you up
“Kikelomo, my wife can fight. If you ever see her in public, start running oh.”
9) He doesn’t lie about leaving his wife for you
Everyone is aware that they are here for a good time and not a long time.
10) He’s honest about which holidays you get to spend with him
“Asake, Christmas and New Year is for the family but I’ll spend Children’s day and Independence day with you.”
Dear Nigerian men, we heard that you people have created the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria. We are happy for you oh, may your stinginess open more doors for you (or not).
Anyway, if you are part of the Stingy Men Association of Nigeria and you fall under any of these categories we are about to mention, oga, please remove yourself from that group with immediate alacrity.
1. Men that still live with their parents.
You too, reason it. You’re enjoying your parents generosity, eating their food and hibernating under their roof, but outside you’re doing SMAN. Does it make any sense to you? If your parents decide to join Stingy Parents Association of Nigeria, what will your story be?
2. You’re still dropping your account number under giveaway posts.
Stingy Man that wants to collect oshofree. No be so dem dey do things nau.
3. Men that use their hair cream as body cream.
Oga, that stinginess you want to show Nigerian women, maybe you should rethink it. Because which Nigerian woman wants to be with a man who cannot even buy body cream for himself?
4. Men that are still in the university.
Or rather, boys. This is an important period of your life. Is it stinginess you want to use it and do? Your mates are out there, busy achieving great things, but you’re shouting on the internet that you belong to SMAN. Ngwanu, even if you’re not a part of SMAN, who is asking you for money anyway?
5. Men without two bank accounts.
Maybe your financial status would have changed a lot if you did not spend so much time worrying about how to be stingy to Nigerian women.
If you fall under any of these categories, go back to the drawing board and rethink your life. It’s not everything you must join.
If your boyfriend does at least five of the things on this list then you need to fix up.
1) He doesn’t pack your plates when you eat outside
This is a red flag that shows that he doesn’t have home training. Run!
2) He eats more than one piece of meat when he visits your house
This just shows that he’s greedy and will keep on taking and taking until there’s nothing left of/for you.
3) He wears tight cloths
He’s not protecting his chastity for you. Reddest flag.
4) He doesn’t hunt and kill the meat you people eat
Weakling!
5) Neither does he grow the food you people eat
He’s definitely not husband material.
6) He’s always asking for sex
Only God knows what his body count is. His groom price is definitely in the gutters.
7) He complains of hand pain when you sleep off in his arms
Real men are silent about pain like the “g” in Lasagna.
8) He grumbles when you send him on errands.
My good sis, is he even ready?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
If you’re a man, you definitely need to read this. Urgently.
1) Tightening cream
You know that virgin phallus has to be taut. That’s why you need to employ creams that’ll help you return it to its original virgin size so that you’ll not disgrace yourself in your wife’s house.
2) Hot water bath
Do this everyday for 2 months and your rod of navigation will be back to feeling brand new. Tear rubber brigade.
3) Amnesia powder
Blow this on all your sexual partners so they forget any history you guys had. No memory, no case. When you’re done, blow the powder on yourself so you can also forget. Wahla for who no get amnesia.
4) Relocation
Leave the area where you committed the debauchery and start anew. New location, new you.
5) Penis enlargement surgery
If there is a change in size, it means old things have passed way. You are now under a new regime.
6) Penis reduction surgery
Same as above.
7) Prayer and fasting
If all fails, my brothers, go to Shiloh and God will “hill” you.
Nigerian churches organise a lot of church programs. But half the time, a lot of these programs are often targeted at women who end up praying for things that men ought to be praying for too. It’s time to revise that. Nigerian churches need to start organising these programs for men.
1. Prayers against barrenness.
Barrenness is not always a woman’s problem, so how come a lot of programs are targeted at them while the men are simply flexing? Let both of them go to a fertility clinic, and if there’s to be a church program, let the man and woman attend.
2. Prayers against marital delay.
Somebody needs to tell Nigerian churches that men also experience delay in getting married. It’s not every time you see a 30+ woman that you must drag her to your church. You see that your neighbour that is 30+? Drag him too. Our God answers prayers.
3. Prayers against the strange man that wants to destroy their marriage.
Yes oh. MenDem are outside looking for marriages to destroy and people’s wives to seduce. Men need to start praying against these evil forces. A suggested prayer point: “My father my father, any strange man that wants to collect my wife from me, destroy him by fire.”
4. Deliverance from marine spirit, papawater spirit, and the spirit of seduction.
Why are fair-skinned men left to roam about without being delivered? If fair-skinned women can be accused of possessing seductive spirits, belonging to the marine kingdom and mamiwater coven, surely men too should be delivered from the same spirits. Abi them tell una say male witch no dey?
Them tell una say men no dey seduce person?
5. Seminars and conferences on how to be a good husband and father.
Here, they will teach them how to bake, how to decorate the altar, how to arrange the house and read the ‘male version’ of Proverbs 31 to them.
Or, they will teach them how to keep their bodies firm for their wives, how to secure their marriage using sexy apparels that are holy and edifying, as well as how to enter the War Room when they sense the devil’s machinations in their marriage.
Give her ₦200 to make soup. If she fails, she can’t manage money. If she passes, she’s probably stingy. All of these are red flags.
6) When you go out, test her with food
Offer to buy her food and ensure she refuses. If she tries to eat from your plate, she’s a thief and that’s how she’ll be eating your money.
5) Test her with bone straight
Buy her the hair and watch her reaction. If she gets excited, she’s too lavish. If she’s meh about it, she doesn’t have taste and she’s not in your league.
4) Test her with Fintech
If she doesn’t know words like “Cowrywise,” “Safe lock.,” “Piggvest,” “Risevest,” “Withdrawal date,” “buy dollars,” then she’s not financially popping and can’t manage money. If she knows the words, she’s probably cheating on you with a tech bae. Sorry, bro.
3) Test her with gifts
If she buys you singlets and boxers you know she doesn’t mean you well. If she buys you PS5 just know you must give her your kidney – whatever you see, take it like that.
2) Test her with the Nigerian anthem
If she sings it without frowning then she likes Nigeria and that’s bad vibes. However, if she can’t sing it, she’s not in touch with her roots. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she know who you are?
1) Test her with music
Editor’s note: This is no way reflects the musical taste of the writer. Any relationship is purely fictional.
Test her with the song titled CashApp. My brother, if you sing “ice on my neck” and she replies with “ice on my wrist,” wahala aya aya oh. If she doesn’t know the reply, she definitely can’t gbese.
Keep us anon.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.
Welcome, my fellow evil person. Like you, I used to experience the inexplicable urge of wanting to punish people’s children and getting away with it.
Me, whenever I see people’s children.
But now I have found love and joy, and now I no longer feel that urge. I know you still do, otherwise you would not be here. This post will rid you of that urge.
Before anything, breathe in deeply. Now let it out, sweetie. Don’t hold back. Repeat that three times, preferably with your eyes closed, your mind picturing sweetness and joy.
Open your eyes.
Now ask yourself:
1. What did this innocent child do to me?
Because, really, what could a child do to you that would warrant this desire to punish them and go scot free?
2. Is punishment the answer?
Think well oh. Because they punished you when you were child, I know, and look how you turned out.
3. Why can’t I report to the parents?
Abi?
4. Am I really that bitter and vile to want to punish other people’s children?
Not just punish them, but also want to get away with punishing them. Ahan. Who hurt you?
Start confessing all your evil deeds.
5. If this was how other people punished me, would I be alive today?
Reason it well o, floggermania. You that your chosen system of government is punish-o-cracy.
Now that you are done thinking about it, oya, go and apologise to that child, and let all bitterness depart from you.
If you think I give really bad good advice, then you should read this:
Arguably the most impractical piece of clothing on the planet.
2) Ripped Jeans:
You get extra points if they’re dirty ripped jeans.
3) Snake Skin Shoes
If animals weren’t murdered and skinned to make your shoes, are you even an Igbo man?
4) An undersized snapback cap.
That they always wear with the brim put to the side. Making them look like early 2000s music video gangsters
5) A badly-tailored pair of pants with the in-seam way higher than it should be.
You get extra points if it’s some ridiculously bright colour like red or neon green.
6) A shirt covered in the severed heads of a wild animal.
Usually a lion or tiger.
7) A terrifying walking stick that they only use to to intimidate people at weddings.
8) Finally, a bunch of keys that don’t really open anythingthat you can wear around your ring finger and jingle when you walk.
C’mon, don’t give me that stuff. We all know those keys are for show.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
While their foreign counterparts do the work by building loyal fan bases, doing research, and driving meaningful conversations around the brands they’re paid to promote, Nigerian Twitter influencers do the bare minimum. With that in mind, here’s a detailed guide on how to become a Nigerian Twitter influencer.
1) Start with super terrible jokes.
Just be sure to make it relatable and end it with an Odunlade meme or a picture of a malnourished black child laughing that has nothing to do with the joke itself.
2) Think up stupid scenarios for the timeline to drive engagement.
Some people will call you out on your bullshit but you will ignore them. That sweet-sweet engagement is all you need.
3) Do pointless comparison shit like this.
You have the option of making it a Twitter poll but don’t because then the post wouldn’t reek of desperation. Start with the line “Let’s settle this once and for all” and then follow it with a comparison between two things NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER has thought were in competition. Someone has to ask the hard questions and that person is you.
4) Have an opinion about everything being discussed on the timeline. Especially things you know nothing about.
No matter the topic, make sure you show up out of nowhere to give your hot take absolutely no one asked for. Politics? Mental health? Witchcraft? Be there for all of it.
5) Constantly offend marginalized groups to gain clout.
Sure, you’ll get dragged all over the timeline but all that exposure will be worth it in the end. Plus, the faction of Twitter that secretly agrees with your offensive views will retweet, follow, and then write in the replies, “They’re coming for you oh. lol” Whoever said there’s no such thing as bad publicity wasn’t wrong.
6) Start games that seem like harmless fun but also look suspiciously like ways to mine for people’s private information.
Someone once said these “influencers” are slowly gathering all our info to do something shady with it and I honestly won’t be shocked if that happens.
7) Ask weirdly personal and destabilizing questions from time to time.
I was scrolling through the timeline last week when I came across an influencer’s tweet that said: “What are you doing with your life?” and I was suddenly thrown head-first into an existential crisis. Feelings like this are the kind you want to elicit.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
So if you’re looking to get into BDSM but can’t afford the proper equipment because they’re super expensive (or can afford them but don’t want to order because you don’t want a delivery man giving you side-eye), here 6 household items you can use to substitute for BDSM equipment.
1) Using pankere/koboko in place of a riding crop:
Do you get pleasure from being flogged? Why don’t you ditch the riding crop and settle on a pankere or a koboko (a.k.a the hydra)? Examples of other things you can use are turning stick for eba, pestle, spatula etc.
2) Using a belt to choke yourself.
Are you into autoerotic asphyxiation (i.e. choking yourself so your orgasms can feel better)? Then let your belt do the work so both your hands are free to furiously beat your meat.
3) Groundnut oil in place of lube.
Need to shove comically large objects up cavities comically large objects shouldn’t be shoved up? Need lube to ease the process but don’t have any? Then mosey on down to the kitchen and get some ororo. It’s slippery and should get the job done.
4) Using clothes pegs in place of nipple clamps.
Granted, one is made of metal and the other is made of plastic. But they pretty much do the same thing.
5) Using a deodorant can as a dildo.
Enough said.
6) Those ropes people use to dry laundry in place of handcuffs.
Yes, your wrists are gonna chafe harder than the thighs of a fat person wearing khakis in hot weather, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
Here’s a simple guide on how to be the kind of wife Nigerian men seem to want. From never questioning him, to allowing him to cheat as much as he wants, these impossible tips will work for you.
1. Thank him every day for ‘saving’ you from the clutches of spinsterhood.
You know marriage is EVERY woman’s goal.
2. Marry as a virgin, but be a freak in the sheets on your wedding night.
Just instinctively know how to do everything in the bedroom.
3. Remember to never ask questions, challenge him or disagree.
He is always right. Just leave it.
4. Lose that pregnancy weight right there on the delivery table.
Back to a size 8 immediately.
5. Never fall sick, complain or get tired.
Basically be superwoman.
6. Have a washing machine, but still lovingly handwash his underwear.
That’s true love right there.
7. Always wake up before him, so you can do “one or two things” around the house.
As a woman why should ur guy wake up before you? When its not like ur ill or pregnant? U should be doing 1 or 2 things b4 he wakes up!!!!
Y’all, I know we like to play and joke and around here. But I think it won’t hurt to talk about some serious shit from time to time. With that in mind, here 8 tried & tested tips on how to lose belly fat.
No need to thank me. I’m just doing the Lord’s work.
1) Go the route of a healthy meal plan, not starvation.
You might feel fulfilled starving yourself, but when you do settle down to eat, you’ll overeat and end up feeling like shit. The key is portion control and healthy meals.
2) Stay away from processed food.
The ingredients in processed foods contain a ton of trans fats, added sugar, salt, or sodium. Three things that make it difficult to lose weight.
3) Exercise and lift weights:
No such thing as targeted weight loss. Losing weight in your abdominal area means losing weight everywhere. Also, adding strength training to aerobic exercise helps build lean muscle mass, which causes you to burn more calories throughout the entire day, both at rest and during exercise.
4) Eat as many diet pills as you can.
ALL OF THEM.
5) Drink three teaspoons of lime juice mixed with ogogoro before bedtime every night.
Sperm cells be damned.
6) Heat up a pot of groundnut oil and drink it.
Legend has it the sizzling oil will burn all your fat in minutes.
7) Do the choreography to “Hips don’t lie” at least once a day.
How do you think Shakira keeps her waist so snatched?
8) Dive, stomach first, into a pool from a high diving board.
Your body definitely won’t scatter like bag of rice.
For this to work, you have to pretend that you’re watching a cooking show with me as the host.
Hi. 👋
Welcome to the first episode of the weekly series named Grandpabbychuck’s Recipes. In this first (and probably last) episode, I’ll be teaching you about the ingredients you need to make Yoruba tomato stew, even though I’m equal parts Igbo, Benin, and 1/16 Hausa. (Don’t think too much about it.)
Let’s get a-cooking.
1) Pepper
A constant.
2) Tomato
Because your stew absolutely has to have tomatoes in it. To do otherwise would be insane, right?
RIGHT?!
3) Onions
For flavour. If you don’t cook with onions, your food is trash. And that’s that on that.
4) Pepper
5) Any dead animal of your choice.
Chicken, turkey, rabbit, horse, etc.
6) Pepper
7) Curry & Thyme
I’ve come to the conclusion that no one knows what these things do in food but we use them anyway because they make us feel fancy.
Is your house currently overrun with rats? Are you unable to keep food in your cupboards for fear of rats getting to it? Are you terrified of leaving your fingers and feet exposed at night because rats will chew on them while you sleep? Do you watch in horror as the adult cat-sized rats in your house climb walls and ceilings like fucking mutant monstrosities?
If yes, I’m so sorry. Your house must be an alternate universe’s version of the apartment in the movie Joe’s Apartment, and sis/bruh, you should really consider moving.
That being said, if you’ve chosen to fight back and reclaim your house, here are ways you can do that.
1) Set traps.
As bait, use foods they can’t possibly resist, like fish or human flesh. Don’t bother using cheese because Nigerian rats don’t roll like that. This is not a Tom & Jerry episode. Feel free to experiment with a bear trap if you have a mutant rat problem.
2) Set one of those rat glue boards.
For when you can handle the blood and gore that comes with regular rat traps. Place food in the middle and any rat that tries getting to it will get stuck as soon as they get on the board.
3) Set poisoned food.
Again, use foods that smell good. Stuff that’ll be difficult to resist. You can scatter the poisoned food in small bits around the areas you know they hang out (lol) or you can make it look like leftovers by putting it in a plate. (Some rats like the challenge and taboo of eating human leftovers.)
4) Place poisoned food on a rat trap and put that rat trap in the middle of a glue board.
Think of this like the “two condoms at a time” theory. One of them is bound to work.
5) When you catch one rat, throw it in the microwave.
Cook that nigga like you’re defrosting a chicken. Make it seem like a scene out of a Saw movie. Put on some super depressing music (opera, maybe) to really set the mood.
6) At the brink of death, retrieve the rat from the microwave and place it in front of an air conditioner. When it starts to relax, plunge a butter knife into its chest.
Butter knife, because the goal here is to impale it, not slice it in half.
7) Hang the rat (butter knife still in its chest) in a public place. This will act as a warning to other rats to stay away.
You’ve endured all the horrors of house hunting and you’ve found the perfect apartment. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted. In your mind’s eye, you can already see yourself lazying around the house naked on Sunday afternoons.
Good.
Here are 7 things you need to look out for before you pay the rent, sign that lease or whatever.
1) Check the neighbourhood to see if it floods when it rains.
It’s best to check out your dream house in the rainy season because Nigerians are going to laugh at you and make memes when you’re on the roof of your building, screaming for help because mother nature vexed and decided to re-enact the plot of The Great Flood.
2) Check the house to see if it was built with cheap materials.
Light switches, sockets, door handles, etc. The last thing you want is your ceiling fan pulling a Final Destination by falling out of the ceiling and decapitating you.
Because that would suck for you and whoever has to clean up the mess.
3) Speak to the neighbours to get a sense of what electricity is like in the area.
Because Nigeria.
Lest you walk into the land of eternal darkness, eyes wide open.
4) Find out all you can from the landlord (and neighbours) about the people who lived in the apartment before you.
Just to get what kind of energy they left behind. What were they like? Were they fun and outgoing or did they keep to themselves? Did they frequently throw loud parties that ended in orgies or did they enjoy a quiet night in with some candles, a good book (of spells) and a pentagram drawn with blood? Did they move out of their own accord or were they brutally murdered by an unseen force in the living room? Did they…
5) Find out if there’s an ancient burial ground beneath the building or anywhere around.
Did you see what happened to the families in Poltergeist and Pet Sematary? It’s best to do your research before you end up in your own Stephen King supernatural horror thriller. The only good thing that could come of that is if you survive and get a book/movie deal.
You know what? Forget what I said. Stay. Stay so you can get that book/movie deal.
6) Pour salt on anyone you come across in the areato fish out the ghosts and demons.
I knew my wealth of pop culture knowledge would come in handy one day. That being said, I don’t know if this is just a thing the writers came up with for the show. It can’t hurt to try sha. (It can.)
7) Make sure the neighbours aren’t members of a devil-worshipping cult looking for a suitable host to physically bring the antichrist into the world.
Don’t give me that look. We’ve all seen Rosemary’s Baby. And The Omen. And Devil’s Advocate. And the…
If you need more advice about house hunting and moving out from your parents’ house, we made a video about in the first season of our show, Nigerians Talk, in which the cast shared all they’d learned about the process. Check it out below to learn valuable life lessons to live by.
So, you’re an Igbo man on your way home (your village) for a family meeting, an introduction, a wedding, a burial, or some other Igbo turn-up. Your Peugeot 505 is chock full of yams, hollandis, bags of snuff, and three cartons of a cheap malt brand that tastes like engine oil.
According to decades of vicious stereotypes perpetuated by Nollywood, all these things should get you the attention you want. But if you want all the pretty flowers (a.k.a eligible bachelorettes) to giving you “lick my hairy snail” eyes, you’ll need to take your swag up a notch.
Here’s a tutorial on how to do that.
Strut into the turn-up venue dressed in an shirt, wrapper, and giant pointy shoes that’ll make Jafar (from Aladdin) green with envy.
The shirt absolutely has to be covered in the severed heads of big cats on it. The species (Lion, Tiger, Panther etc) doesn’t matter. It just has to look super pissed.
If you decide to go with trousers instead, they must look like this:
Ill-fitting and badly-tailored, with the inseam way higher than it should be, ensuring that you spend the majority of your time adjusting your scrotum so you don’t lose a testicle.
If you need an alternate outfit, you can never go wrong with this Igbo classic.
The net singlet a.k.a the most impractical piece of clothing ever created. Extra points if you wear one in a really strange colour like bright pink or neon green.
Pair the net singlet with this cap:
No one knows when Igbo men took the newsy cap as their official headgear.
Then complete the look and destroy everyone’s existence with these bad boys:
If animals weren’t murdered and skinned while making your shoes, are you even Igbo? Might as well go barefoot.
Walk into the venue with a key holder around your middle finger containing a frankly insane amount of keys.
Walk in there with so many keys that it makes you look like the warden of a 15-century prison.
At some point during the event, get everyone’s attention, like you’re about to give a speech. And then very slowly, proceed to swallow two tablets of Panadol without water.
Extra points if it’s Panadol extra.
When having a conversation with anyone, proceed to chew obscenely large pieces of kola nut, while maintaining strong eye contact.
No need to cut them up. Eat them whole. Your strong Igbo jaw can take it.
So I was lying on the floor of my windowless bedroom last night listening to the award-winning soundtrack for horror movie The Omen (1976) when I suddenly thought of some children’s games and how they could benefit from a few violent upgrades.
I wish there was a more exciting backstory for what started the train of thought that led to this but that’s pretty much it. Think of this exercise as the answer to the question: What if your childhood games were made into movies by Quentin Tarantino?
Let’s get into it.
1. Tinko Tinko
For those that never played it, this two-player game involves a lot of interchanging slapping of the front and back of the palms with a cheerleader style chant. The game keeps going until one person misses.
I propose that whoever misses gets their wrists broken.
2. Jump Rope
Jumping rope really upsets me because it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was invented as a way to trick kids into exercising. Anyway, while it can be fun (when the rope is held by two others and the person in the middle only has to focus on jumping), it can get repetitive.
To that effect, I propose that tiny razor blades be embedded in the rope so that the jumper’s shins are sliced if they miss.
3. Musical Chairs
When it comes down to two kids and one chair, stop the game, give them weapons, and have them fight each other for it.
4. Change your style
“Change your style! Another style! Another style! BE LIKE THAT!”
The person leading the game yells for everyone to strike two poses (which they do) and then tells them to freeze in their last pose while he/she tries to make them “break character” without physical contact. Whoever breaks character first by moving, loses.
I remember using “change your style” to practice for the modelling career I hoped I’d have at this point, so talking about it hurts like hell. That being said, I propose that whoever breaks character first gets punched in the stomach until they throw up.
5. Police and Thief
Every kid wants to be one of the thieves when playing this game because it’s more fun. So to make the role of the police more appealing, I suggest that they’re equipped with stun guns, specifically the TASER X2. Its 30-second shock time of 50,000 volts of electricity will override the central nervous system and limit muscular control of anyone its fired at, ensuring that there will be no struggle when they’re being dragged to the makeshift prison.
Crushes are a natural part of life. Unfortunately, they’re also a terrible part of life because half the time they never lead to anything. (Especially if you’re shy.) You’re just left watching the object of your desire be with someone else while eternal loneliness looms on your horizon.
But fear not because I’m here with information that can possibly change that. When it comes to crushes, all you need sometimes is a foot in the door, and (if the universe doesn’t hate you) your crush just might like you back. You two will then go on to have babies together or whatever.
Here are 10 ways to successfully “get your foot in the door.”
1. Slide in their DMs
From experience, corny jokes work best. Like sending them pictures of different household items (luggage, couch etc) and then when they ask you what you’re doing, you tell them you’re moving into their DMs. They’ll laugh and you’ll laugh and hopefully, a conversation starts from there.
2. Leave them notes with sweet messages on them.
Everyone loves sweet messages that send shivers down their spine.
3. Break into their house and leave them a beautiful gift.
Like a vial of your blood or urine that they can wear as a pendant.
4. Maintain eye contact with your crush from across the room until they break and ask you what exactly it is you want.
It worked for Edward Cullen and it’ll work for you.
5. Take a copy of their picture to your church and have your pastor force them to notice you with the power of the holy spirit.
Each woman in this photo has a photo of their crush under their beret.
6. Stalk your crush on a major holiday while wearing a mask and overalls.
Eventually, they’ll notice you and think it’s cute. Personally, I think Michael Myers was misunderstood and that all his victims should’ve given him a chance to express himself.
7. Stand below your crush’s bedroom window at midnight with a boombox and make your intentions known by playing the song, “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew
The ultimate love song.
8. Pull a “Twilight”and sneak into your crush’s house to watch them sleep.
Edward Cullen himself should’ve written this article.
9. Follow your crush around for a day and appear in the background of every picture they take.
The demons in the “Conjuring” universe are great at this. Summon one real quick and ask how they do it.
10. Or you could just work up courage and go talk to them instead of trying something on this list and getting arrested.
Keep in mind that they might turn you down. However, what to do next if that happens is a story for another day.
Political Correctness is used to describe language intended not to offend or disadvantage any particular group of people in society.
But, what about the people that don’t care about political correctness? #BigotsLivesMatter
(Wait oh! If you don’t get satire, better stop reading now)
1. When you heard that the senate didn’t pass the gender equality bill.
Good! It’s against our culture.
2. When it’s been one hour and you haven’t called all Muslims “Boko Haram”.
My mouth is scratching me to say it.
3. When you hear Chimamanda Adichie talking about feminism.
Let us hear word ma.
4. When people tell you not to call Asians “Chinco” or “Ching Chan”.
Abeg leave my mouth.
5. When you see Reno Omokri tweeting what women should do with their bodies.
Reno, my man.
6. When a woman is trying to correct you when you have her “type at home”.
Respect yourself oh.
7. When you cannot even advise a young woman to “go and marry” again.
But if she is not married, what is she now doing?
8. You, when a woman wearing a hijab is vexing that you asked if she is a Chibok girl.
Why are you now vexing?
9. When you hear someone calling all igbo people thieves.
You sabi.
10. When you cannot freely say you miss military regime in Nigeria.
Is it your business though?
11. When you see someone that supports Biafra.
My Guy!
12. When a woman is vexing that you said her natural hair “doesn’t fit” her.
Go and use relaxer jare.
13. When you tell someone with dreads that they look like a drug addict and they vex.
Why do you now have dreads?
14. How you feel when women tell you they won’t cook or go to the market:
Who will now go?
15. When people are always adding ”ic” and ”ist” to everything you say now.
Any small thing tribalist, homophobic, and sexist.
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