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  • 5 Nigerian Women Share Why They Regret Getting Married

    Is it possible to regret something that you have been taught should be the “best decision of your life”? Yes, and these five Nigerian women share why they regret getting married.

    Anita, 27

    He lied about everything. About his extended family, his job, his entire life was basically a lie. I only found out after getting married to him. He told me he was a UX writer, but it turns out he is an Electrician. That would not have been a problem, so why did he feel the need to lie about it? He told me his parents were dead and he was not close to his extended family. Another lie. One day, his Uncle reached out to me on Instagram. Turns out both his parents are very much alive.

    When we were getting married, he told me he wanted a small wedding. I did not think too much about it because I genuinely loved him and just wanted to be married to him. Apparently, he wanted a small wedding because he had other wives and kids. Plural. I feel like I am carrying him through the marriage. They say “men are babies” and it sounds cool until you realise that it is not metaphoric, but literal. I never knew there could be such emotionally, underdeveloped, men. Right now, I do not know what is a lie and what is not.

    Amaka

    I was 33 when I got married and honestly, I do not think marriage benefits women in the long run. Whatever people consider a benefit, does not equal all the things marriage makes you lose. I think marriage hindered me from doing certain things because there is a huge constraint on your time and energy. You are meant to be building the family, but then things you are building does not necessarily benefit you. A men can be working to build his family, while building his career at the same time. He gains both the benefits of being married to you such as free labour, but women can’t say the same thing. The nine years I spent building my family, I could have built my career. The only solution was to not be married anymore so I did that, and my life has been happier and healthier.

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    Chisom, 27

    Marrying my husband was the biggest mistake of my life. Even with all the red flags I saw, I still went ahead and got married to him. He is a serial cheat and a totally unrepentant one. While we were dating he would apologise when he got caught, but now that we are married he has such a nonchalant attitude about it. As if he feels like I cannot do anything about it. He hides the fact that he is married from anyone and if I tell his girls, he gets angry and keeps malice with me. He says we are not a good match and we have nothing in common. How do you not figure out we have nothing in common for the six years we dated? SIX! Now I am pregnant and want to end the marriage but he is threatening to take the child away from me.

    Jane, 29

    I am currently separated now, but I still do not forgive myself for the decision to get married. I got married at 27 and separated nine months later. The truth is I knew I didn’t want to be married anymore by two days to the wedding, but didn’t know how to tell my family. The reason I eventually gave my family for leaving was because I caught him cheating. When I said I was leaving, he locked me up and threatened to kill me. A week after the incident, when he went to work I ran away.

    He stalked me for about three months after I left. I even tried to get a restraining order, but that did not work. When I reported to the police, they collected my money and said they’d treat it as attempted murder. When I got back, they said they wanted to ‘settle’ the case. His family definitely paid them off, but the police thing kind of helped because after that the obvious stalking stopped. He currently does not know where I am, but he has an idea of the exact town. Thankfully there were no kids, but I still have panic and anxiety attacks till date.

    Fola, 35

    I got married at 24 and now that I look back it was way too early. He was 29 so a little older than me, but not very mature. I didn’t know what qualities to look for in a partner when I got married to him, all I knew was that I loved him. Bad choice. He wanted to pull that traditional man, head of the home thing and I wasn’t having in. Two months into the marriage and the physical abuse started. It was very irregular and I’d never know when it would happen so it caused me a lot of anxiety. I never backed down, wouldn’t cower and be a submissive wife. It took me 10 years to finally walk away from the lies, cheating, physical abuse and emotional abuse. 10 solid years of nonsense. Now, I look back and realize how badly that situation affect me.

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  • 4 Nigerian Women Share Why They Regret Having Kids

    After asking some Nigerian women to share why they do not want children, we asked some that do have children if they regret the decision. These four Nigerian women share why they regret having kids.

    Abimbola, 44

    Maybe regret might be a strong word because I absolutely adore my children, but since I turned forty, I had found myself asking a lot of “what ifs”. I got married when I was 23. By 25, I had my first child. 28, I had my second. 30, I had my third, and 32, I had my fourth. I spent over a decade of my life birthing and raising infants and toddlers. People say that the twenties are the best time of your life, but I spent mine changing diapers, birthing children, and breastfeeding.

    My thirties weren’t any better. I had to deal with those small children, school runs, teething, all the other things. Now, I am in my forties and I am dealing with rebellious teenagers. I wonder if I will ever be free from being a mother, and just be an individual. I wish I had forged a career path, done more than go to the University in terms of my education. and just lived. All I really wish, is that I got the chance to live. If I never had any children, I would have probably been able to do more things for me.

    Fadeke, 37

    I have just one child, and she almost killed me. I got pregnant three years after marriage, at the age of 30. The entire period through the pregnancy up until the birth of my daughter was hell. My husband tried his best, but he could not take the pain away. Nobody could. I had gestational diabetes while pregnant with her. Now? I have type two diabetes. I wonder what my life would be like if I never had her. Being sick for the rest of my life is not something I envisioned for myself. Sometimes when I see my daughter, I feel a type of resentment towards her. I know it is not her fault, but I just get angry and cry. I feel like she stole something from me.

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    Elizabeth, 30

    I had my son when I was 22 years old, as an undergraduate in a school in Nigeria. It was a one night stand, and I forgot to use morning after pills. A month after, I found out I was pregnant. Till now, his dad is nowhere to be found and I’m honestly not bothered. I love my child, but I often wish I didn’t have him. It’s been tough raising him alone with little help from my parents. I often have to split my income into two, with him getting the larger portion. I also haven’t been able to be in a successful relationship for a while now, as most men do not want to be associated with a single mom. Having children in my opinion isn’t really necessary. I can’t make plans without considering him and it’s tiring, exhausting, and painful. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure if I’d want to have more kids. Sometimes, I just want him out of my sight and very far away from me. I cry most times and I snap at my son a lot. I often regret doing it, but I can’t help it.

    Chidera, 32

    When I got married, all the women in my family spoke about how children are a blessing and I thought so too. What they don’t tell you is how children rob you of your dreams. I did not even realise until my seven-year-old asked me what I wanted to be, and then it dawned on me that I was not even close to achieving that dream. When I was in my 20s, I wanted to be an Economics professor. I never got to do my Masters because I became pregnant, then I had to wait for two years to reapply because of breast feeding and nursing. By the time she started school, I got pregnant again. I love my children, but I realised I sacrificed everything for them and that made me resent them just a little bit. I keep wondering what life would have been like without them, and that life sounds more like the dream I had when I was younger. Talking to my husband about it was useless because he could not understand it. He did not have to drop everything in his life to raise children. I did, and I really wish I didn’t.

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