Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
A small trouble is brewing in the Small Chops Association: the other members no longer want Puff-puff to be a part of them. This is difficult, considering the large quantity of Puff-puff you find in a Small Chops package.
Today on Interview With, we spoke to the members of the Small Chops Association, including Puff-puff, to hear their take on this delicate matter.
Zikoko: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Zikoko Interview With session.
Samosa: Good morning.
Spring Roll: I greet you.
Mosa: Hello, interviewer.
Chicken: Thank you for having us.
Puff-Puff: We are delighted to be here.
Samosa: This is my problem with you, Puff-Puff. Did they ask you if you were delighted or not? Just greet the interviewer and let’s keep it moving.
Spring Roll: Samosa, take it easy.
Gizzard: Anyway, I will talk. You people cannot silence me. Good morning, Oga Interviewer.
Mosa: Abebelube. Did anybody say you should not talk?
Corndog: Hello, Mr. Interviewer. It is a great pleasure to be here.
I’m sorry, but who are you?
Spring Roll: Oho! Thank God you asked too. It’s like the Association of Small Chops now admits every and anybody. We’ll be preparing for an outing, and next thing we know, one smallie from nowhere will come and say they are joining us too because they are a part of small chops. Please and please, who died and gave you invitation form to enter our circle?
Samosa: You know what’s paining me? It’s the fact that they believe that being a finger food is a legitimate reason to be part of us. That was how last month, they joined crab with us and called it small chops too. Crab that has wife and children. I sha don’t like this behaviour.
Mosa: It’s okay. You people should let Corndog explain itself.
Spring Roll: Sorry oh, Annalise Mosa. We did not know that Corndog has hired you to speak for it.
Mosa: It’s you people that know. Corndog, you too open your mouth and talk. I cannot be collecting insults for you when you have a mouth.
Corndog: Okay, thank you everyone. I am—
Chicken: [Mumbles] And what kind of name is Corndog anyway? When it’s not like you’re made of dog meat and corn.
Corndog: I—
Gizzard: Chicken, please nau. Let the poor thing talk. If Spring Roll and Samosa are interrupting it, you should not join them to participate. You are the oldest here.
Chicken: Are you age-shaming me?
Gizzard: [Under its breath] If you are not going to act your age, someone should show you.
Corndog: [Looks on in disbelief]
Chicken: Gizzard, so we have now become mates that you can talk rubbish about me? I don’t blame you, I swear. It’s because I carried myself to come and do Small Chops Association with you people. I am a major protein in these streets oh.
It’s enough! I only want to hear from Corndog now. If I don’t call your name and you talk, this interview is over.
Puff-Puff: Good.
Samosa: That is where they will see you.
Corndog: Can I continue?
Yes, please.
Corndog: I am the newest addition to the small chops family. Making me is easy. All you have to do is thread a hotdog on a stick, then dip that hot dog in batter and fry it. That’s where my name came from.
And how have you been finding the Small Chops Association?
Corndog: It’s been enjoyable so far. I try my best to keep my distance. When we are at a party, I present myself to the guests and if they like what they see, they pick me. Sometimes, people are not sure what I will taste like, but when they bite into me and taste how juicy I am, they want more.
Spring Roll: Hian. Advertisement.
Spring Roll, last warning.
Samosa: Hmm, but when Puff-Puff spoke, you did not say anything. You did as if you did not hear. Okay oh.
But wait. Do you have a problem with Puff-Puff?
Samosa and Spring Roll: YES!
Mosa: Hay God.
Gizzard: Chicken, do you—
Chicken: If I hear my name in your mouth again, I will show you that age is more than numbers.
Gizzard: Nawa oh.
Okay, Spring Roll and Samosa, what is the problem?
Spring Roll: Puff-Puff is—
Samosa: [Cuts in] It is the—
Corndog: You people should give each other a chance na.
Spring Roll: Shut up, Corn beef.
Corndog: It’s Corndog.
Samosa: Let me start.
I’m listening. The rest of you, please keep quiet.
Samosa: See, it is ITK that is killing Puff-Puff. Oversabi, the world must see me. Before we started our association, we used to respect Puff-Puff. Puff-Puff alone was enough to be called small chops. It was served at naming ceremonies, burials and even hawked. We said, see our role model.
Spring Roll: Let me continue. So, Samosa now said we should start our own Association of Small Chops. We began to hustle for invitations to parties and all. People started liking us. Next thing, Puff-Puff reduced itself in size and said, by force by fire, it must join our association.
Hmm…
Samosa: Oga Interviewer, I believe when you join somebody’s club, you stay mellow, right? Not Puff-Puff oh. It joined our association and wanted to do pass itself. You will open one small chops pack and see three Spring Rolls and three Samosas but ten pieces of Puff-Puff.
Spring Roll: And it’s not even that the Puff-Puff will be sweet. It will be small and cold and tasteless. People will now abandon the entire small chops package.
Samosa: Like, if you know you won’t serve quality when you join an association, why bother? You should have left us alone the way we are. Now, because Puff-puff has joined us, everybody now sees it as an avenue to bring everything inside Small Chops.
Spring Roll: I am telling you! You will see someone’s small chops pack and you will wonder if it’s a three course meal. Like, eat what you want to eat, don’t lie that you are eating small chops.
What are some of the things you have seen inside a small chops package that you don’t like?
Spring Roll: Crab, Titus fish, stewed beef, apple slices.
Samosa: Wait, they have started adding apple slices?
Spring Roll: Look at you, they are even putting cucumber slices too. Next thing you know, pineapple too will join, and we will not know if we are eating Small Chops or fruit salad.
Okay, okay. Puff-Puff, what do you have to say to these allegations?
Puff-Puff: I just want to—
Gizzard: Ehen! See oh—
Oya, leave this office now, Gizzard. Just wear your slippers and go.
Gizzard: What did I do?
Chicken: Don’t you understand simple English? Wear your slippers and go.
Samosa: Wait oh, are you pursuing Gizzard because of Puff-Puff?
Spring Roll: Gizzard, stay outside small. We’ll sort this out.
Puff-Puff? I’m listening to you.
Puff-Puff: I’m just going to say one thing, and I’ll leave. I did not force anybody to add me to any Small Chops Association. I am and will always remain a star in my own right. If you eat Small Chops and the Puff-Puff there is bad, please hold the person that made the Small Chops.
In other words…
Puff-Puff: What I am saying is that I’m not responsible for the misfortune of Samosa and Spring Roll. If you open a small chops package and there is more Puff-puff inside than Spring Roll and Samosa, maybe they need to check their own attitude.
Spring Roll: I shall never experience any misfortune. Please and please, watch your mouth.
Puff-puff: And if I don’t? You think because I have been keeping quiet, I don’t have things to say? Samosa, you are nothing but a dried up piece of flour. Having a triangular shape will not get you far in life. And you, Spring Roll, keep being jealous of a star. Maybe one day, when they start serving you alone, you can get to my level. For now, you will always remain beneath me.
Samosa: [Claps hands in disbelief] American wonder.
Mosa: Talk now. Shebi you people have met your match.
Puff-puff: Oh, and just a little heads-up. I hear that Akara might be joining the Association of Small Chops too. Get ready, you have a long fight ahead of you. [Walks out].
Puff-puff, wait—
Spring Roll: Wait for what?
Samosa: [Calls out after Puff-puff] As you have walked out like that, continue walking oh! We must not see you inside any Small Chops again. You ingrate.
Chicken: Will you not talk about this issue of Akara coming to join us?
Gizzard: [From the door] Can I come inside?
[Sighs] Gosh, I have a headache. All of you, please leave. This has been a lot to handle.
Corndog: Aww, we’re sorry.
Spring Roll: Oh, Puff-puff has spoken, you no longer want to hear from us, abi? It is well.
Samosa: Leave them, that is what they all do.
Mosa: Can you guys please stop?
Chicken: Annalise Mosa, you better be grateful they did not open your own file today.
Mosa: Hian. When Gizzard was dragging you through the mud, you kept quiet. It’s now me you want to attack. You better go and face Gizzard.
[Spring Roll, Samosa, Corndog, Mosa and Chicken file out].
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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