Public transport

You can’t lie that you’ve met the most hilarious people on a danfo, and you’ve probably met the most annoying bougie Nigerians on business class flights. We all experience Nigerian transportation differently, but these are what your most used mode of transport says about you.

Danfo

You know all the bus stops in your city and nobody can carry you go where you no know. You may look very calm but you’re one annoying conductor away from unleashing your madness on everybody.

Okada

You’re adventurous and like to live on the edge. You genuinely believe you have nine lives and nothing can happen to you. We’re secretly scared of you because you probably moonlight as a vigilante.

Uber/Bolt

Your biggest problem is how your ₦2k ride fare always becomes ₦7k because you live at Ikorodu or Meiran and don’t like taking danfo like the rest of us trenches people. You’ll never learn though. You know it, and we know it too; continue to wail about your bank account when you know it’s transport fare eating all your money.

Your personal car

Whatever is happening on the streets of Lagos is none of your business. You’re always doing “I better pass my neighbour” in traffic, even though you’re still going to queue for fuel at the next fuelling station.

RELATED: 9 Types of Bus Conductors You Will Meet in Lagos

Flights

You’re too rich to deal with Nigerian roads, and whatever is happening with Nigerian airline fares is definitely none of your business because you’ll still fly no matter what. You’ll rather eat cold semo than struggle with us on bad interstate roads.

Trekking

Your eyes have seen things your mouth cannot say. We sympathise with you.

Keke

You have commitment issues and that’s why you keep jumping from point to point without any direction. You like to play things safe (which is why you don’t use okada) but you’re still unstable inside and anybody that pushes too much you will see craze.

Korope

You live a double life and it’s hard to tell if you’re really broke or if you’re just trying to confuse your enemies. Whichever one it is, it’s working.

NEXT READ: 5 Traumatic Things People Go Through In Public Transport

Sheriff Alimi

August 28, 2022

Inside Life

Nigerian roads, Public transport, transport
Transport fare takes like half of everyone’s stash. But some Nigerian states have cheaper t-fares than others sha. Keep this list in mind when you’re trying to relocate. Selah.
7. Taraba – N150
6. Ondo – N144.17

6. Osun – N144.17

4. Sokoto – N135

3. Plateau – N105

2. Anambra – N96.25

1. Bauchi – N85

All facts are sourced from the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics (NBS) ‘Transport Fare Watch’ 2019. Find it here.
Doyin Olagunju

September 12, 2020

Chopist

Nigeria, nigerian states, Public transport
1) Learn how to fold your legs like collapsable furniture.

In a bid to carry more passengers than their buses would usually take, Lagos bus drivers alter their vehicles to add more seats, leaving next to no legroom for anyone taller than 4 feet. Better join a yoga class now unless you want to spend entire bus journeys with your knee up a random person’s ass.

2) Learn how to shrink.

Along with having more seats than usual, Lagos bus drivers also carry more passengers than usual. This means that saying y’all will be packed like sardines is a serious understatement.

3) Get used to a wide variety of body odours.

There’s nothing worse than having a conductor stretch across the bus to collect money from another passenger and then have his armpit lightly graze your face. The same goes for those passengers who seemingly leave their houses smelling like 3-day old dirty dishwater.

4) Be alert at all times.

Do NOT fall asleep. I repeat, do NOT fall asleep. If you do, you will be robbed blind.

5) Do not help settle fights.

Because Ares and Eris both rule Lagos, it’s a pretty violent place. Fights break out between public transport personnel all the time. If you’re in a bus whose driver/conductor gets into a fight, wait it out while sitting safely inside the bus. If the fight goes on for too long, come down and find your way.

The same thing goes for when they get into trouble with the police or LASTMA for their reckless driving.

6) Always be prepared to run.

You see those fights I talked about? Sometimes, they attract the police. And sometimes, the (trigger happy) police begin shooting for no reason. Unless you want to spend eternity explaining to people in the afterlife how you died under the bridge at Oshodi after being hit by a stray bullet, you better be a fan of comfortable shoes.

7) Always enter with change.

To avoid embarrassment from the conductors, find change before entering their buses.

8) Learn how to jump in and out of moving vehicles.

In tune with Lagos’ chaotic energy, bus drivers will neither fully stop for you to get on or get off. It’s Fast and Furious up in this bitch.

Astor George

March 9, 2020

Inside Life

Lagos, Public transport
I think we can agree that Lagos is stressful.

I have this theory that people who live in Lagos aren’t scared of the idea of going to hell because Lagos already has a lot in common with the underworld.

People who use the state’s public transport system have it a lot worse. They go through a lot of traumatic stuff just trying to move around.

Traumatic stuff like:

1) Having to sit on a bus with zero legroom.

It’s worse when you tell yourself that you’ll manage because it’s a short journey. Then you encounter traffic that adds an extra hour to your commute, forcing you to fold your legs like collapsible furniture longer than you planned.

2) The discomfort of having your knee up someone’s ass (or having someone’s knee up your ass) because there’s no legroom in the bus.

It’s worse when you both get off at the same stop and there’s no way for both of you to avoid the awkwardness.

3) The conductor’s armpit grazing your face while he stretches to collect money from other passengers.

I get it. Conductors are under the sun all day and can’t help but sweat. But SWEET JESUS! THE STENCH CAN RAISE THE DEAD! And having them rub armpit sweat across your face? Might as well slice that patch of skin off. This also goes for those passengers who smell.

4) Trying to make the best of your journey by eating Gala and yoghurt but a self-proclaimed medicine man starts talking loudly about how his sketchy-looking drug can cure staphylococcus (and the white discharge that comes with it).

Kill me now.

5) Having a preacher scream at you about how you’re going to burn in hell for all eternity if you don’t heed their warning and stop doing bad things.

It’s even worse when you’re on the bus because you’re on your way to sin.

Astor George

July 18, 2019

Inside Life

Lagos, Life, Public transport, Trauma
1. When you’re the first in the keke and the driver asks “charter?”

I’ll wait, biko.
2. Keke drivers, when they see you with N1000 note:

Better leave this place.
3. When a fat person enters and starts shouting “SHIFT!”

Please respect yourself.
4. When the 3 passengers at the back are waiting for the last passenger like:

It always takes forever.
5. When the person next to you wants to lap someone.

Inside this small thing?
6. When someone begs you to move to the front seat for them.

Ugh! I don’t want to.
7. You, holding on for dear life when you have to sit at the front.

You’ll now be sitting with half nyansh.
8. When your driver starts dragging road with a trailer.

Oga, have you forgotten what you are driving?
9. You, when the keke enters a pothole with speed.

Are you blind?
10. You, watching cars and okadas speed pass your keke:

They can be slow sha.
11. How you sit at the back when you charter the whole keke:

I’m feeling myself.
12. How kekes manoeuvre through traffic:

BOSS!
13. When rain starts falling and they pull down that their dirty tarpaulin.

It’s even worse when they don’t have at all.
This post was brought to you by the Tecno Camon C9.

Daniel Orubo

June 29, 2016

Oldies

Africa, keke, keke marwa, keke napep, Nigeria, Public transport, sponsored, tricycle

Danfo

Okada

Uber/Bolt

Your personal car

Flights

Trekking

Keke

Korope

7. Taraba – N150

6. Ondo – N144.17

6. Osun – N144.17

4. Sokoto – N135

3. Plateau – N105

2. Anambra – N96.25

1. Bauchi – N85

1. When you’re the first in the keke and the driver asks “charter?”

2. Keke drivers, when they see you with N1000 note:

3. When a fat person enters and starts shouting “SHIFT!”

4. When the 3 passengers at the back are waiting for the last passenger like:

5. When the person next to you wants to lap someone.

6. When someone begs you to move to the front seat for them.

7. You, holding on for dear life when you have to sit at the front.

8. When your driver starts dragging road with a trailer.

9. You, when the keke enters a pothole with speed.

10. You, watching cars and okadas speed pass your keke:

11. How you sit at the back when you charter the whole keke:

12. How kekes manoeuvre through traffic:

13. When rain starts falling and they pull down that their dirty tarpaulin.

This post was brought to you by the Tecno Camon C9.