PTSD | Zikoko!

If you have Nigerian parents then you’ll relate to one or more of the points on this list:

1) “It’s for your own good”

They say this after beating you like you killed Jesus. Mummy and daddy, the constant beatings is why “half” of Nigerians have a BDSM fetish. They’re trying to recreate childhood “nostalgia.”

2) “You made me very angry”

Nothing like accountability in the dictionary of older Nigerians.

3) “You’ll thank me in the future”

I hate lies.

4) “My parents did the same”

Is PTSD also part of inheritance?

5) “You’ll become an armed robber if I don’t train you”

Everybody involved in this lie, hands up.

6) “Spare the road & spoil the child”

Perish that idea.

7) “As long as you’re under my roof”

The ultimate my word is final card that justifies any behavior from Nigerian parents.

8) “After all the money I paid”

How much is my life worth? Is that why I deserve this beating?

9) “I’ll not let you embarrass me outside”

Is it because of small embarrassment that you’re trying to kill me?

10) “The dollar price is frustrating me”

Emefiele come outside and fight.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 23, 2020

Inside Life

Nigerian parents, Nostalgia, PTSD
For everyone who went to secondary school in Nigeria, there are common annoying and borderline traumatic experiences that link us all together. So, we gathered 13 of them to see if they’d trigger some equally funny and unpleasant memories.

1. Losing these weeks to exams:

Your enemies have won.

2. When two seniors are giving you opposing instructions.

What is this stress?

3. “Tear out a sheet of paper.”

Excuse me?

4. When you see your name in the list of noisemakers with “X 6”.

Based on what?

5. “All stand greet.”

Here we go again.

6. The sound of this:

The worst sound ever.

7. “Last junior.”

Can’t be me.

8. These outfits:

Ugly nonsense.

9. “Everybody kneel down.”

Hay God!

10. “Don’t touch it or I’ll start again.”

The last thing you want to hear when they are flogging you.

11. When they finish flogging you and your friends start saying sorry.

That’s actually making it worse

12. “You forgot to collect the homework.”

Shut your damn mouth, oversabi.

13. Never having a complete case of this:

It’s like they stand up and run away.

NerdEfiko

February 20, 2020

Inside Life

list, Memories, Nigeria, PTSD, secondary school
If you graduated from Covenant University, chances are you still get nightmares about the stressful place. So, as a former student myself, I’ve put together a couple of things that still trigger me, and I’m sure you feel the same way.

1. The sight of a small white bus.

Your brain just screams, “BUS 5”.

2. The video game character, Mario.

Reminds you of the pocket-sized demon that tortured us.

3. The word “Caution”.

You immediately feel the urge to shut up.

4. People named Muyiwa.

If your name is Muyiwa, can you even trust yourself?

5. Filling forms.

Always triggers memories of filling offence forms.

6. Biometric devices.

Our thumbs have suffered.

7. Audis.

The only other car we feared as much as Bus 5.

8. The animated villain, Megamind.

Reminds you of the other big-headed villain that haunted chapel.

9. When your device starts “pairing”.

Ah. I’m not pairing oh.

10. The word “Papa”.

Is there a word you hate more?

11. When someone says “Good news”.

You already know it never is.

12. Whenever you see corporate clothes.

Take that tie away from me.

13. The entire Ogun state.

Ogun state reminds you of Ota, which in turn reminds you of CU.

NerdEfiko

February 7, 2020

Oldies

covenant university, MARIO, megamind, PTSD, white buses
1. It’s a cold night, I’m walking back and forth my parents room, wondering how to make this one request.

I wanted to go to a party! Not a birthday party or a family party or even a school party. I wanted to go to a club.
2. And that’s not the mad part,

I was 13.
3. The girls in school had been talking all week long about it, and when they invited me nko?

Waawu. First of all, I want to thank you all for this opportunity to mingle.
4. I eventually got the courage to ask my parents about going for my friend’s birthday, and they were like,

Waiiit, whatt?
5. I spent the entire night trying on clothes and dancing to Wizkid’s Superstar album

I’m ready to die on the line.
6. Fast forward to next day, what I planned to look like,

All hail the Queen.
7. After a long night, this is what I actually looked like

Yep. I showed up looking like a Rainbow.
8. I sat and watched as people danced, drank and smoked like

Wawu. All these people are going to Hell Fire.
9. And then I realised my friends probably abandoned me because I was boring.

Do I look like a clown? Am I crossing my leg too much? Am I smelling like soak-away? Damn you insecurity! Damn you!
10. I was like, you know what?

I’m out please.
11. Went out to get a cab and after waiting for a maximum of 5 seconds, I can say God strategically placed my parents passing by at the exact same time.

This is the day I died guys. This very day.
12. It was a silent ride home, and I was looking out the window like

Wow wow wow, is this how my life will end?
13. As we reached home, before I could fully understand anything, the first cane landed on my back

Kuku kill me dad. Kuku kill me.
14. Then suddenly suddenly, I fainted.

Come and see how everywhere scattered.
15. Bruh, I was just pretending

Everybody was praying and just pouring water unneccessarily.
16. That’s how they rushed me to hospital.

“My daughter stay with me!”
17. Next thing, what did my father tell the doctor, “Do pregnancy test.”

Waaaait, what?!
18. That’s how my fainting finished o

Like, daddy how did we go from fainting to pregnancy? How can I even get pregnant today today?
19. Last last, that beating that day is why I still don’t don’t enter clubs

Something about PTSD. Can’t be letting “Holler at your boy” trigger “I will kill you today.”
I wonder what else I don’t like because of the beating I received growing up.

20. So tell me, what’s that thing your parents beat out of you, and you still can’t do till date?

Eniola

May 29, 2018

General

beating, Clubs, Nigeria, Nigerian parents, nigerian teenagers, PTSD, teenage girls

1) “It’s for your own good”

2) “You made me very angry”

3) “You’ll thank me in the future”

4) “My parents did the same”

5) “You’ll become an armed robber if I don’t train you”

6) “Spare the road & spoil the child”

7) “As long as you’re under my roof”

8) “After all the money I paid”

9) “I’ll not let you embarrass me outside”

10) “The dollar price is frustrating me”

1. Losing these weeks to exams:

2. When two seniors are giving you opposing instructions.

3. “Tear out a sheet of paper.”

4. When you see your name in the list of noisemakers with “X 6”.

5. “All stand greet.”

6. The sound of this:

7. “Last junior.”

8. These outfits:

9. “Everybody kneel down.”

10. “Don’t touch it or I’ll start again.”

11. When they finish flogging you and your friends start saying sorry.

12. “You forgot to collect the homework.”

13. Never having a complete case of this:

1. The sight of a small white bus.

2. The video game character, Mario.

3. The word “Caution”.

4. People named Muyiwa.

5. Filling forms.

6. Biometric devices.

7. Audis.

8. The animated villain, Megamind.

9. When your device starts “pairing”.

10. The word “Papa”.

11. When someone says “Good news”.

12. Whenever you see corporate clothes.

13. The entire Ogun state.

1. It’s a cold night, I’m walking back and forth my parents room, wondering how to make this one request.

2. And that’s not the mad part,

3. The girls in school had been talking all week long about it, and when they invited me nko?

4. I eventually got the courage to ask my parents about going for my friend’s birthday, and they were like,

5. I spent the entire night trying on clothes and dancing to Wizkid’s Superstar album

6. Fast forward to next day, what I planned to look like,

7. After a long night, this is what I actually looked like

8. I sat and watched as people danced, drank and smoked like

9. And then I realised my friends probably abandoned me because I was boring.

10. I was like, you know what?

11. Went out to get a cab and after waiting for a maximum of 5 seconds, I can say God strategically placed my parents passing by at the exact same time.

12. It was a silent ride home, and I was looking out the window like

13. As we reached home, before I could fully understand anything, the first cane landed on my back

14. Then suddenly suddenly, I fainted.

15. Bruh, I was just pretending

16. That’s how they rushed me to hospital.

17. Next thing, what did my father tell the doctor, “Do pregnancy test.”

18. That’s how my fainting finished o

19. Last last, that beating that day is why I still don’t don’t enter clubs

I wonder what else I don’t like because of the beating I received growing up.

20. So tell me, what’s that thing your parents beat out of you, and you still can’t do till date?