We’ve talked about a version of period apps as a typical Nigerian aunty. This time, we want a version that has some more skills. Not another “You may be experiencing blah blah” notification. We already know there’s going to be bloating, diarrhea and shitty cramps, so predict something else. Here are seven other notifications about the future women would like to see.
1. “Chill sis, you’re not pregnant…yet”
You know those period predictions suck right? One minute you’re having the time of your life, then two weeks later, you’re on your knees begging God for one last chance. This is exactly when you need to come in and tell us to chill. Okay?
2. “You’re definitely getting stained today. Stay home”
Don’t just tell us our flow is heavy. Period apps need to start predicting when a tampon or sanitary pad will fuck us up on the streets so we can plan ahead. Do you get it?
5. “Mama, your destiny is under attack, bend down and pray”
An app can monitor our blood but it can’t monitor our enemies? Nawa. Why can’t period apps tell us when our village people are about to plot against our future, please?
4. “Your next heartbreak will happen in… ”
If period apps can predict your breasts being tender, why can’t it predict when you will eat hot breakfast again? Help us stay wicked on these streets Flo. Be that big aunty consulting oracles on our behalves.
3. “It’s your safe period, but it’s not really safe o”
Haven’t we all that moment we think it’s ‘go time’ but eventually ends in tears? These apps need to start letting us know when their calendars are lying about safe periods. Some of you are 18 years too late, praying for you guys, but the rest of us need help.
6. “Your destiny helper is located in…”
Don’t you deserve money? We know period apps are built for telling us about periods. But after five to seven long days of suffering, can’t there be some consolation? Like letting me know where I can locate premium enjoyment. If I can’t afford to be my own sugar mummy, at least tell me where the helper will be.
7. “You will meet the love of your life in…”
If an app can map out your period for the next two years, why on earth can’t it tell you when you’ll meet the love of your life? Tell that app bye today sis.
“I’m on my period.”
“Ewwww.”
“Your face is ewwww but you don’t see me complaining.”
“I’m on my period.”
“Your mouth isn’t though, if you get my drift.”
“Ugh.”
“So, is it like, rushing like a tap?”
“Do you need blood tonic to replenish all that blood?”
“Are you serious that this happens EVERY MONTH? WOW.”
“Is it like an injury?”
“I’m on my period.”
“Okay baby. Take your drugs, go easy yeah? See you hun. Mweh.”
“I’m on my period.”
“OMG do you have spare pads? Do you want to lie down? Need a back rub? Belly rub? What will you eat? No, don’t stand up – let me fly you abroad for maintenance.”
“I’m experiencing period cramps and they’re really, really bad. I need a day off, please?”
“Well, actually, this is why women don’t deserve to be paid as much as men. I bet men would handle things better if it was them with periods.”
“I’m on my period.”
“Oh wow. I’m on my apostrophe too! Hehehehehehehehe!”