Pentecostal | Zikoko!

1. When you come late and try to enter church while they are praying.

Better wait there.
2. When the usher tries to separate you from your squad.

Don’t biko.
3. When the usher tells you and your guys to “move forward”.

Why though?
4. When they make you sit behind the woman with the tallest gele.

Jisos!
5. When they tap you to stand up during prayers.

I’m ok like this.
6. When you’re using your bible app and they tell you to put your phone away.

What is it?
7. When you don’t have offering and the usher is still standing beside you.

Just go na!
8. How the ushers looks at you when you haven’t been to church all year then appear for Christmas Carol:

No vex.
9. When you start dozing off and the usher taps you.

Chai!
10. When you’re texting in church and an usher walks by.

Hay God!
11. When you save a seat for your friend and the usher asks “is anyone there?”

Uhm. Actually…
12. When you’re talking to your guy and the usher hears you.

Sorry sir.
13. You, when the usher still hasn’t given you offering envelope.

“HEYSSSS!!!”
14. The usher’s face, when you ask for N100 change for your offering.

Don’t judge me.

Daniel Orubo

May 15, 2016

Oldies

Catholic, Christian, Church, Ngeria, Pentecostal, RCCG, Relegion, Usher
1. Your first official bible:

The best.
2. When your parents ask you if you’re going to church as if you have a choice.

Why are you even asking?
3. When service starts by 9, but you’re out of the house before 7.

Na wa. Are we the pastors?
4. When you always had to join children’s church choreography.

In your mind you could dance oh.
5. Every church party, childrens’ food vs adults’ food:

Is it fair?
6. You, waiting to be old enough to finally go to teens church.

Can I grow already?
7. When you’re not praying in church and your mum looks over at you.

Hay God!
8. When you couldn’t start your Christmas celebration without going to church in the morning.

I want to eat rice na.
9. Your friends on New Year’s Eve vs. You and your family on New Year’s Eve:

Watch Night Service was not optional.
10. You, waiting for your parents to finish greeting the same set of people after church every Sunday.

Can we go biko?
11. How your parents react when you tell them you want to change churches:

No vex.
12. When you always had to attend mid-week services and night vigils.

So tired.
13. When your parents see you walking out of church before they share the grace.

Wahala.
14. The solution to everything:

The greatest,
15. When you finally move out but they still call you every Sunday to know if you went to church.

“Yes ma.”

Daniel Orubo

April 27, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Catholic, Christian, Church, Nigeria, Pentecostal
We all know the economy is really tight and everyone wants another source of income. If you have ever thought of starting a church, we read your mind. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to start your own money-spinning church.
You need to answer the call of ‘God’

Just find that call from anywhere or make up a story. “I was pricing fish and the fish said…”.
Also find a way to involve your wife because team ministry

She has to make up her own story. “So when I was cleaning the fish, I saw a letter from God inside…”
Select your own hairstyle identity

Of course, how else will your church members know which hairstyle to do?
Select the dress code for yourself and your church

It has to be a uniform something. Either dress down casual, club attire, turtleneck, show back, bikini etc. God looks at the heart don’t worry.
Take members from your current church or from anybody’s church

It doesn’t matter, we will all enter the same heaven.
Now you have to assemble your team of pastors

Of course you cannot do it alone. Only one LASTMA official can’t be at a checkpoint.
Gather a fire praise and worship group

IF NIGERIANS CANNOT SHOKI OR DAB IN YOUR CHURCH THEY WON’T COME! Don’t play yourself.
Select your marketing plan or start a crusade

You need to appeal to the Nigerian challenges and problems because this life is hard.
Don’t forget to collect seed offerings and pledges at your crusade

How else do you want to pay your pastors and buy your car?
Visit your members every weekend if you can

How else will you trap them and make them come back?
Find a way to get on the news or TV

Go to a cemetery, raise the dead, or heal 100 “crippled” people even if they were in good health.
Invite one popular pastor or three for a life-changing, power-packed event at a stadium

Of course, you need to draw attention and bring other new members one way or the other.
DON’T FORGET TO COLLECT OFFERINGS TEN TIMES

You need to raise money for the invited guests flights and hotel rooms. That private jet won’t buy itself.
Encourage your members to buy you good gifts (must be expensive)

From 2016 Prado, to Range Rovers, maybe a jet. All color white because you must represent purity always.
Open a School

Secondary school, university, anything. Or even both. Added revenue. Say bye bye to poverty forever. Thank us later.

Tobi Smith

April 23, 2016

Oldies

Churches, Pastors, Pentecostal, Religion
1. When you wake up on Sunday morning and you tell your mom you’re not going to church.

I cast out that spirit!
2. When the pastor calls for worship and you know you’re about to endure the same 5 songs again.

“Jehovah you are the most high…” x5
3. But then worship starts and you’re deep in the spirit!

Litttt!
4. When you have fellowship in your house every Sunday after church…after you’ve spent 4 hours in church already.

No way I’m not going to heaven.
5. When the pastor says close your eyes during altar call, but you want to see who is giving their life to Christ.

Oh ho!
6. When you see that person who is a ‘better christian’ than you going for altar call.

*adjusts halo*
7. When your mom forces you to join the choir and all the service units.

This is a full time job now, innit?
8. When you see your parents give 4 different offerings + voluntary donations in church and then you ask for ordinary 100 Naira to buy Capri-sonne and they say they don’t have.

Wow.
9. When the pastor says ‘say your enemies will die’ but you don’t roll that way.

That girl doesn’t need to die for stealing my Biro.
10. When night devotion is basically a 3-hour service.

“Let us open our mouths and begin to…”
11. When you lead devotion and after you’re done your Aunt says “You need to learn how to pray”.

Wow. You must be sitting on God’s right hand too.
12. Other people turn up on Friday nights, but that’s vigil night for you.

Bless God!
13. When a church member is judging you for not being able to speak in tongues.

LOL! Thank you, Captain of The Tongue Speakers.
14. That one time you woke up in the middle of the night to hear your mother shouting “die by fire” while bathing you in annointing oil.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
15. When everyone falls under the annointing when the pastor lays hands on them except you.

Ah!
16. When the person sitting beside you falls down during deliverance, now you have to close your eyes and PRAY!

You don’t know which spirit that was. PRAY!
17. When you talk back to your mom once, and you have to go to the pastor for deliverance.

The demon of rudeness might’ve been in residence.
18. When your parents invite the pastor to bless your house, and all of them are just pouring anointing oil on the walls and floors – that you’re going to have to clean.

Please, continue.
19. Losing that Christmas weight in the new year during the 21- 45 days fasting in January.

The Fastest Loser has nothing on fasting!

Odunayo

February 16, 2016

Oldies

Nigeria, Pentecostal

1. When you come late and try to enter church while they are praying.

2. When the usher tries to separate you from your squad.

3. When the usher tells you and your guys to “move forward”.

4. When they make you sit behind the woman with the tallest gele.

5. When they tap you to stand up during prayers.

6. When you’re using your bible app and they tell you to put your phone away.

7. When you don’t have offering and the usher is still standing beside you.

8. How the ushers looks at you when you haven’t been to church all year then appear for Christmas Carol:

9. When you start dozing off and the usher taps you.

10. When you’re texting in church and an usher walks by.

11. When you save a seat for your friend and the usher asks “is anyone there?”

12. When you’re talking to your guy and the usher hears you.

13. You, when the usher still hasn’t given you offering envelope.

14. The usher’s face, when you ask for N100 change for your offering.

1. Your first official bible:

2. When your parents ask you if you’re going to church as if you have a choice.

3. When service starts by 9, but you’re out of the house before 7.

4. When you always had to join children’s church choreography.

5. Every church party, childrens’ food vs adults’ food:

6. You, waiting to be old enough to finally go to teens church.

7. When you’re not praying in church and your mum looks over at you.

8. When you couldn’t start your Christmas celebration without going to church in the morning.

9. Your friends on New Year’s Eve vs. You and your family on New Year’s Eve:

10. You, waiting for your parents to finish greeting the same set of people after church every Sunday.

11. How your parents react when you tell them you want to change churches:

12. When you always had to attend mid-week services and night vigils.

13. When your parents see you walking out of church before they share the grace.

14. The solution to everything:

15. When you finally move out but they still call you every Sunday to know if you went to church.

You need to answer the call of ‘God’

Also find a way to involve your wife because team ministry

Select your own hairstyle identity

Select the dress code for yourself and your church

Take members from your current church or from anybody’s church

Now you have to assemble your team of pastors

Gather a fire praise and worship group

Select your marketing plan or start a crusade

Don’t forget to collect seed offerings and pledges at your crusade

Visit your members every weekend if you can

Find a way to get on the news or TV

Invite one popular pastor or three for a life-changing, power-packed event at a stadium

DON’T FORGET TO COLLECT OFFERINGS TEN TIMES

Encourage your members to buy you good gifts (must be expensive)

Open a School

1. When you wake up on Sunday morning and you tell your mom you’re not going to church.

2. When the pastor calls for worship and you know you’re about to endure the same 5 songs again.

3. But then worship starts and you’re deep in the spirit!

4. When you have fellowship in your house every Sunday after church…after you’ve spent 4 hours in church already.

5. When the pastor says close your eyes during altar call, but you want to see who is giving their life to Christ.

6. When you see that person who is a ‘better christian’ than you going for altar call.

7. When your mom forces you to join the choir and all the service units.

8. When you see your parents give 4 different offerings + voluntary donations in church and then you ask for ordinary 100 Naira to buy Capri-sonne and they say they don’t have.

9. When the pastor says ‘say your enemies will die’ but you don’t roll that way.

10. When night devotion is basically a 3-hour service.

11. When you lead devotion and after you’re done your Aunt says “You need to learn how to pray”​.

12. Other people turn up on Friday nights, but that’s vigil night for you.

13. When a church member is judging you for not being able to speak in tongues.

14. That one time you woke up in the middle of the night to hear your mother shouting “die by fire” while bathing you in annointing oil.

15. When everyone falls under the annointing when the pastor lays hands on them except you.

16. When the person sitting beside you falls down during deliverance, now you have to close your eyes and PRAY!

17. When you talk back to your mom once, and you have to go to the pastor for deliverance.

18. When your parents invite the pastor to bless your house, and all of them are just pouring anointing oil on the walls and floors – that you’re going to have to clean.

19. Losing that Christmas weight in the new year during the 21- 45 days fasting in January.

11. When you lead devotion and after you’re done your Aunt says “You need to learn how to pray”.