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  • What She Said: Feminism Led Me to Atheism

    Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. 

    Photo by Good Faces on Unsplash

    This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 23-year-old Nigerian woman. She tells us about discovering her feminism, pansexuality and atheism through books while living with her close-knit conservative family.

    What’s something about your life that makes you happy?

    I’m enjoying being single right now. I don’t have commitments to anybody, and I don’t need to make weird decisions based on what society expects in relationships.

    My last serious relationship was in 2018 when I was in year two at university. Right after that, I got into a toxic and demeaning situationship with an older guy, that went really bad. I was 19, and he was manipulative, so it was difficult to get out of it. Those two years were a character development phase for me, and I’ve only been in situationships since then.

    Since the first situationship was so toxic, why did you enter more of them?

    I’m scared of being in a proper relationship. And this is because I just don’t like most of the people who’ve approached me, or they’re misogynists. Or I don’t like them because they’re misogynists.

    How do you know they’re misogynists right away?

    Through conversation? The last time I met someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me, we had a very telling conversation. And I have some red flags that make knowing easier for me. One of them is if you’re anti-LGBTQ. 

    For me, feminism and freedom of sexual and gender identity are inseparable. If you claim to be a feminist man, you need to understand people can make choices on who their partner should be too. When you meet some men, they’ll say, “I’m a feminist, but….” Just know the ‘but’ will reveal how they’re not feminists because they’ll give an excuse. It’ll be “but you should understand….” 

    No, I want someone who understands the basics of equality.

    And the guy you met?

    He wasn’t LGBTQ. He said, “I don’t have a problem with them, but….” He might as well have said, “I’m a feminist, but….” Apart from that, he randomly asked me, “Do you know how to cook?” I said no, and he was like, “It’s a lie because if you grew up in an African home, every mother teaches their daughter how to cook”. 

    He started talking about how he knows it’s not compulsory, but he thinks a woman should know how to cook. Meanwhile, he didn’t know how because his mom didn’t teach him, and his daddy didn’t like men entering the kitchen. He was obviously not a feminist. That turned me off immediately.

    Understandable. So how do these casual relationships work?

    I’m a fool because I expect exclusivity in them. I think it’s the boyfriend-girlfriend tag I don’t want. I just want a go-to person I can see regularly, who’s not my boyfriend. And I’m terrible at casual relationships for someone who always finds a way to enter them because I always end up catching feelings.

    There’s no avoiding those, I fear

    I know. In my last situationship, the person was my G. We were just friends who started liking each other, and something happened. I was scared he would want something serious after that, so I told him I didn‘t want us to continue since I wasn’t ready for that. He assured me he didn’t want anything, and that’s when I caught feelings. 

    This only ever happens when I know the other person is not interested. Once it looks like the person likes me back, I run away. I don’t even know what my problem is, but I’m not interested in any kind of dating right now. And of all the new people I’ve met, none of them is giving.

    What was growing up like for you, considering your progressive beliefs?

    First of all, from JSS 1, my parents sent me off to boarding school, and I hated all the flogging and shouting there. But back home on holidays, my family was pretty close. Like most girls in the average Nigerian family, I was an omo get inside. I wasn’t allowed to go out. Once I’m home for even a midterm break, I’m locked in. I wasn’t allowed to attend my friends’ birthday parties. I wasn’t even given a phone until after I graduated from secondary school.

    This is probably why I prefer to stay indoors now; I’m so used to it. I was always monitored, and I was never given a reason why. I got no allowance, so I couldn’t even sneak out, and if I was caught outside, I’d be flogged. It was just my siblings and me, reading books and watching TV indoors, all day every day, while our parents went to work. My mom would usually be home earlier than my dad; he was hardly available except on Sundays and some Saturdays. So I wasn’t comfortable with him because he was like a guest in our home. 

    Were you religious like the average Nigerian family?

    Yes. We went to church every Sunday and for some weekday services too. When I was younger, we attended MFM, so we would always go to camp. Then we moved to Redeem and continued the trend. We never missed crossover services in particular. 

    We always had to go to church to cross over into the New Year and have the pastors pray over water and oil to rub on our heads. My parents would always remind us that God doesn’t like this and that, you’re supposed to do this as a child, and this is a sin. 

    And how did you feel about all that?

    It felt normal, actually. I mean, I didn’t know any other way. And it wasn’t in my face that we were religious or my parents were restrictive. I enjoyed some things about my childhood. Like, on Saturdays, my dad would take us to the tennis club. On Sundays, we would go to restaurants. 

    We went to Apapa Amusement Park a lot because my dad worked in Apapa. We also visited my extended families, and I enjoyed seeing my cousins and gisting with them. Every December 25, my parents threw Christmas parties, inviting our extended family, and my cousins would stay over for a week or two. I enjoyed that a lot. 

    So I’m curious. How did you go from this everyday Nigerian daughter to having the strong beliefs you have now?

    It started with feminism. When I was 17, and in secondary school, I read Chimamanda’s book, We Should All Be Feminists. I liked her definition of feminism and understood why ‘We Should All Be Feminists’. Growing up, I remember feeling cheated when I heard men say you’re supposed to do this and that.

    I think every woman has some gender rules they’re uncomfortable with, but they’ve just gotten used to them. They’d say things like, “What can I do? It’s a woman’s place.” Early on, I decided I wouldn’t accept it. Feminism formed my understanding of the LGBTQ community and also led me to atheism.

    In university, I studied sociology and learnt that society shapes who we are. The kind of family we come from, the environment we grew up in, the religion we were born into and the type of school we went to, all shape us. People aren’t a certain way because they were born like that; society shapes them. People are different because of how they grew up and the values they picked up as children and adults. 

    If that’s true, why didn’t you remain conservative as your family shaped you to be? 

    Family is the primary agent of socialisation, but my family sent me to boarding school. 

    I learnt a lot through books I read in the hostel and when my parents locked me up at home. We Should All Be Feminists was probably the first non-children’s book I read. Then A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum, and another Chimamanda book, The Thing Around Your Neck, which spoke about how the British colonised us through religion. It’s one of the vital moments I’ve had when I started asking questions about religion. Why didn’t God help black people when they were mistreated? 

    Then, I started Googling things. I found out the Bible contained more chapters, and the King James Version was shortened by an actual King James; a British King. I learnt that Christianity was infused with politics; the church was the state, so they made religious decisions and wrote their version of the Bible to take advantage of people.

    That must’ve been a lot to discover so young. How did you process it?

    As a sociologist, you ask questions like, is this book objective? And you find out there’s no book in the world that’s objective. The Bible is an account of people, their ways of life and the ideologies of society in those ancient times. When I read the Bible in secondary school, it was like it was against humanity and was meant to subjugate women.

    People give their different interpretations of it — “No, it means you should love” — but it’s clear with words like ‘submission’, ‘subjugation’, ‘a woman should not climb the pulpit’, ‘she should not preach’. At that time, I wasn’t even an atheist. I just thought the Bible was ancient, and the people in it were practising the culture of their time. Times have changed, we’re civilised, so we’re not supposed to follow what happened then. 

    But as I read more and more about how women were not allowed to go to the market during their period because they were considered dirty, and in the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have different accounts of Jesus’ life, I realised the Bible is different people’s biased perspectives. I was about 20 years old when I decided I won’t take directions from it anymore.

    Big decision

    Yes, but it was strangely an easy one to make knowing the things I knew. I went to the root of Christianity and how it came from older religions, read about the evolution of religion itself and about our own gods. Then I formed a theory that maybe God exists; people just serve him in different ways because we’re from different societies. 

    When I read how Chinua Achebe and Chimamanda wrote about traditional prayer in the olden days, it’s similar to how Christians pray now. So when I see Nigerian Christians pray, I’m like, “You’re just praying to a foreign God.” 

    RELATED: 9 Nigerians Tell Us About Their Journey To Atheism

    So why did you become an atheist instead of a traditionalist?

    Because I realised nobody’s coming to save you. 

    There were points in my life when I was really down. I was in a toxic relationship, like I mentioned earlier, I was so young, and it was terrible for me. My self-esteem had gone to shit, and I felt very bad about myself. 

    I prayed and I cried, and nothing happened. Just looking back at my life, secondary school, primary school, I’ve had times when I pray to God for things, and when nothing happened, I’d just say maybe it’s not God’s will. And I realised we keep on making excuses for him.

    How did you realise this exactly?

    When I was in SS 1, they kidnapped the Chibok girls. I heard the news, fasted and prayed with so much faith because I believed faith could move mountains. I had so much faith that if I fasted as a child, something miraculous would happen, and the girls would be released. 

    But you know how the story went. Was it that God didn’t want it to happen? Was it not God’s will for the girls to be released? Since I started taking control of my life and decisions, it’s felt better not to hope for miraculous things. There’s nobody out there coming to save or help you.

    And now, you no longer believe he exists?

    My atheism is still evolving. Sometimes, I think he exists, but I’m just angry at him. Terrible things are happening in the world, and he’s not doing anything. I wonder why. People are getting killed. Girls are getting abducted, raped. Women are being treated anyhow, and good people suffer a lot in the world. In the Bible, they’ll tell you this is the reason. Sometimes, they’ll just tell you to do things without giving any reason, and I just can’t live like that. 

    These days, I’m also discovering things about the universe, how it’s much bigger than our Milky Way. I think the universe is too big for one person to control. I also don’t believe there’s heaven or hell. I’d rather just be on my own, make my own decisions, live my life the way I want and just be kind to people.

    As for feminism, was there a defining moment that made what you read about in books more personal?

    My earliest memory of feeling violated as a woman was in secondary school, even though I didn’t think of it deeply at the time or relate it to feminism. I was walking on the road with my friend, and this man tapped me to ask for my number. I said no. He was a much older man, and I think he was drunk. He was drinking pure water, and he just threw it at me. 

    I was very scared because I couldn’t confront him. I thought he would beat me. Things like that make me very sad. I’ve been groped on the road once before. And you just go to one corner and cry because you can’t do anything about it, especially when you’re young. I was sexualised a lot, growing up.

    I’m so sorry

    I’ve also seen it happen to others. One time during NYSC, a female flagbearer was marching, and because of the way she moved, a guy just shouted that she’ll know how to do doggy very well. It just gets to me when boys make rude comments about girls and their bodies, especially dismissively. 

    One other time, we were doing inter-house sports in secondary school, and a boy made a comment about a girl’s body, that her big bum bum was making her float. I don’t understand why people talk about women like that. It feels weird and wrong, and it makes me upset.

    Did you talk about it to your mum or someone close?

    No. I’m constantly fighting in my house sef because I have a younger brother who has a free pass to do whatever he wants, and I don’t. Growing up, my brother could go out and visit friends. But my sister and I were always locked inside and constantly harrassed with, “Where are you coming from? Where are you going to? Who are you talking to? Bring your phone.” 

    One time, my dad checked my phone and saw a text from a guy, and he was very angry. We were always monitored, but my brother didn’t go through that kind of vigorous training. Till now, I’ll be working, and they’ll tell me to go to the kitchen, while my brother is sleeping.

    Do you push back? What’s your parents’ reaction to that?

    They’re always angry, especially my mom, who feels she’s training me to be a woman. I tell them I don’t like it, and I’m not going to change. The only thing I can do is rebel and fight it. My dad, at one point, said my brother is not supposed to wash plates because he has sisters. I told him, “No, it’s not possible. He’s eating, so he has to wash it.” Sometimes, I’m sad because I’m tired of fighting. I just can’t wait to make money and get my own place, but for now, I’m a struggling youth corper.

    And do these fights work to change their mindset at all? 

    Nope. Sometimes, they’re just tired and they let me be. But of course, their mindsets don’t change at all. My dad is a misogynist, and my mum is a patriarchy princess.

    What about your brother?

    He’s 20 now and is constantly told the reason he doesn’t have to do certain things is because a woman will do it for him, so he can just rest. And he believes it; he’s enjoying that male privilege. I try to have conversations with him, but his mindset is forming. Sometimes, my dad would say something like, “she’s just talking her feminism talk,” and they’d both laugh at me.

    Even my sister who’s 24 isn’t a feminist. She says the double standard is wrong but still says feminism is extreme. I just think she couldn’t be bothered to fight or struggle over the injustice. She’s decided to go with what society dictates because she fears the repercussions and backlash. I’m always ready for the backlash. 

    How did your interest in the LGBTQ community come in? 

    It works hand in hand with feminism for me. I’ve always been pretty open-minded, so I’ve always just believed in people’s freedom of choice. I’m pansexual myself.

    How did you discover your sexuality?

    In 2019, I kissed a woman during a game of truth or dare, and I liked it. I’ve never been in a relationship with one, but I now know it’s something I would consider. The experience made me realise my attraction isn’t limited to gender because I’m still very much attracted to men.

    How do your parents feel about your atheism and pansexuality?

    My mom is always praying. I’m always fighting with her because I’m not the average Naija babe who’s looking for husband and hoping to be a good wife. I’m very vocal about my beliefs. And they just look at me as this weird Gen Z babe.

    My dad keeps advising me that my beliefs are wrong; he takes a chilled approach. I can tell they don’t want to scare me off and lose me to the ‘devil’ for good, but my parents no longer force me to go to church. They’ve gotten used to it.

    How has being an atheist, in particular, affected your friendships?

    Well, first off, I lost a close friend because of it. She became very Christian at the same time I became an atheist. I’m still trying to get over it, but she’s moved on. Anytime I see her posts with other friends, I get really sad, I feel like crying. Towards the end, we fought a lot, and I would tell her it was because of our differing beliefs, but she’d deny it. I wanted to keep the friendship so bad I even compromised and started following her to church, but in the end, I still lost her.

    How did you two form such strong differing beliefs despite being so close? 

    It was during the COVID-19 lockdown. It was a very mentally stressful time for everybody. So while I was reading books, she was getting closer to God. 

    Do you have friends who share your atheist views?

    I have one friend who does. And he even helped me strengthen my atheism. Before, I just had these thoughts in my head, but I was surrounded by Christians so I couldn’t really express it because no one could relate. He could relate, and we had so many conversations in which we exchanged ideas. I asked him questions and we would Google stuff together.

    You know when you’re in the closet and you meet other people who’ve come out of it? My other friends say he changed me, but I had these thoughts way before I met him. He was also the close friend I had a situationship with and ended up catching feelings. Now, we’re just friends.

    Does it get lonely having fewer friends and not being close to your family because of your beliefs?

    Yes, actually. Sometimes, it does. I haven’t seen my friends in a long time, and my closest friend doesn’t care about me anymore. But I don’t think I’m lonely because I’m an atheist or feminist. I think it’s because I’m terrible at socialising.

    READ THIS NEXT: What She Said: I’m 55 And Feminism Is No Stranger

    For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here

    Lolade Alaka

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  • Sex Life: I Put Uterus-Killing Dicks Behind Me in 2020

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this sex life is a 26-year-old pansexual woman. She talks about her first time with a woman and a man, why she is very particular about the perfect dick size, and how she became a femme dominant.

    Tell me about your first sexual encounter

    I had recently turned 20, and it was with a woman my friend introduced me to at the beach. The woman is the reason I believe in love at first sight because from the moment I saw her, I was tongue-tied and all the alarms in my body went off. Throughout the night, we kept looking at each other. Eventually, she gave me a lap dance and I just kept smiling and blushing. 

    When school resumed a few weeks later, I found out we were in the same university and our halls were connected. It gave me a chance to see her almost every day. Weeks after we started talking, she asked how I’d feel if she kissed me. I had basically fallen in love with her since the first time I saw her. Of course, I wanted her to kiss me. I told her I wouldn’t have a problem with it, so she did and it felt like the best kiss of my life. The next day, when I went to see her, we got more intense. We had to turn off the lights and put down the windows because if we were caught, we were getting expelled, but it was worth it. We made out and she fingered me to the heavens. It was amazing. 

    Even after we went on holiday and left school, we linked up a couple of times. Unfortunately, after three years of us knowing each other, she told me she found Christ and was no longer queer. I thought that was the end of great sex for me, but then there was a guy. 

    Go on… 

    LMAO. We’d been friends for four years. Throughout the friendship, there was this subtle sexual attraction, but we never really acted on it until the night he invited me to a party. 

    That night, my parents weren’t around because they travelled. So, I invited him over to my place after the party. On our way, we picked up condoms. I knew it was going down that night.

    One thing I liked about him was that he was very reassuring. He kept asking at various points if I was okay with it. It was extra sweet considering it was my first time having penetrative sex with a dick. 

    What was it like? 

    Pain! It hurt a lot. There wasn’t a lot of bleeding, save for some spotting. That’s why the reassurance was great. I got comfortable, but I still couldn’t take it all in. I think I got halfway and realised I was done. Any more and I’d faint. Another reason it hurt so much was because his dick was the perfect kind of big. 

    Was that the only time it happened? 

    Most definitely not. He lived close to my parents’ house, so we could link quite easily. The sex was great every time and my body adjusted to the size of his dick. He listened, was very into foreplay and just knew how to work my body. He was the kind of person if I got into a relationship with, would turn me into a sex addict. We could barely keep our hands off of each other. However, because of NYSC and life in general, we couldn’t meet up as much anymore, and then that fizzled to not meeting up at all. We still talk occasionally and I think if we decide to see each other again, we’d probably have sex.

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    Look at you being God’s favourite. Have you ever had bad sex? 

    Yes o. For NYSC, I was posted to a school in Kaduna. I met this man who was also a corper in the school, and we started dating. We were having a lot of sex, but I was still sexually starved. Usually, I’m not a fan of people touching me and I just want to do what I want, but it felt like he was not even trying to make it good for me. There was no foreplay, and it was just penetrative sex when he wanted it. His dick was quite long, and he did know how to use it, but he almost always came before I did. So he was having the time of his life, but there I was, barely having any orgasms. 

    I found out he was cheating on me. He was having sex with me and four other babes that I knew, raw. I could have caught something, but luckily I didn’t. Ontop all that, he was emotionally manipulative. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just leave him since I wasn’t really gaining anything from the relationship. After a couple of months of us being together, I finally had the guts to leave the relationship. 

    The break-up really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. I kept asking myself what made me remain with someone so manipulative, but I don’t think I’ve found the answer to that. 

    The decline of my mental health didn’t stop me from having good sex, however. I hooked up with my friend again and hooked up with some other people. I have been very opportuned to have big dicks. 

    I’m curious. What makes a dick perfect-sized?

    I think that if a dick is short, it should have girth. If it’s skinny, it has to be long. The most important thing is the owner knowing how to use it, but size is important either in length or in breadth. When people talk about size, people think we’re always shaming small dicks, but that’s not the case. There’s a possibility of a dick being too big. 

    There was a guy I once linked with in Owerri, and his dick was almost as thick as a 60cl Coca-cola   bottle. How was he expecting anyone to have sex with that kind of weapon? That thing was dragging thickness with cans of insecticide. Who is that one trying to kill? 

    In 2020, I put all those uterus-killing dicks behind me when I fell for a woman I met on Twitter. She was a dominant and was constantly teaching me about the lifestyle and what she did. The more she taught me, the more I realised this was something I enjoyed and had been low-key doing in my previous relationships with people. I enjoyed commanding men and making them do things.

    Out of curiosity, I opened a burner account on Twitter. One thing about submissives and slaves is that they just find you. Once you’re a mistress, there’s a plethora of submissives throwing themselves at you. It can be overwhelming. My DMs were full of requests. So, you find a way to weed out the sensible from the foolish. For example, a foolish person would text me “Hi”. Why’d you text me that?  It’s “Good morning, mistress” or nothing at all. The disrespectful ones never get a chance. 

    Sorry, mistress. How was it like when you started? 

    Lmao. It was nice. My partner and I were in an open relationship, so I could meet up with these people and have sessions. The thing about these kinds of sub/dom relationships is that it’s all about the sub. Sure, as the dom, you need to have your own personal boundaries. There are some things I can’t do, and I tell my subs beforehand. I’m only here to give you a good time; we can’t be best of friends or anything. I’m not completely heartless because they can always talk to me about anything, but they should not just expect us to be best friends.

    Anyways, my job is to provide an experience. They don’t all like the same things — some enjoy being degraded, some want to be spat on, insulted and given a golden shower, while others just want to be told what to do. I also have male subs. One thing I’ve noticed is that the male subs are whinier and generally have a lot of problems. So, you have to be harder on them.

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    So, how do these sessions work? 

    Well, I choose a hotel and they book the room in my name. Then we meet up at an appointed time and I give them a worthwhile experience. 

    Sometimes, I do it as a job and get paid, but not all the time. I always collect gifts though. I’m a goddess, and you can’t just approach me empty-handed. Also, not all my sessions are physical. Some scenes are done over the phone. I’d tell them what to do and how to touch themselves. With my physical sessions, I hardly ever let them touch me. I’m very strict about that. It’s fun, however, watching them struggle to not touch me. I get off on the fact that they’re not even tied up, but they can’t do one thing they want so badly to do. It’s fun having that kind of power. 

    I’m not a completely terrible person, so if they’ve been good, I let them kiss or touch my feet. If I feel like it, I let them eat me out. However, that’s a privilege not many get — only two of my subs have ever been allowed to. When they eat me out, they’re doing it because I have an itch to scratch and they’re available, like toys I can use. 

    Interesting… 

    For the past couple of months, I’ve spent way less time in that space because of where I’ve been mentally. As much as I’m not a sub’s friend, I have to be intentional about them. That includes checking up on them amongst many things. I barely have the energy to show up for myself, talk less of showing up for another person. I don’t just think I can right now. 

    Do you want to talk about this mental state?

    Not really. But I’m taking it one day at a time. 

    Meet Aunty Z!, overall best in relationship advice

    Do you think exploring your dominant side gave you better sex? 

    It gave me a chance to explore. It doesn’t necessarily make the sex better. My sex life has sections,; and different parts of me are satisfied by different things., I can’t pick one over the other. 

    Interesting. So what’ll you rate your sex life? 

    I’d rate it a 7 because right now I’m not having as much sex as I want to. My mind is currently on one person and his own focus is on work and getting his life together.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Sex Life: “I Didn’t Think It Was Cheating If It Was With A Woman”

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old pansexual woman who talks to us about discovering she was polyamorous, learning to have sex for herself, and dating a woman while in a relationship with a man.

    TW: Sexual abuse

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was about 8. I was a very timid child and my mother encouraged me to make friends with my neighbour’s daughter who was about my age at the time. We would always hang out at either of our houses and one time, she asked me to touch her between her legs and she did the same to me. I liked it and we kept doing things like this until we moved to a different city when I was 12. 

    After we’d do these things together, I’d go home and read some of my nanny’s HINTS magazines. When I was 10, I read one of them about women touching themselves as we did was described as lesbianism. I ran to her house to inform her, in case she didn’t know, that we were lesbians.

    My first penetrative sex experience though, happened when I turned 18. I’d made a mental note to myself that I was going to wait till that age to have sex and when the time came I met this guy off Twitter and asked him if he’d ever been anyone’s first. He told me he had and so we had sex.

    Before we go into how the sex was, why this guy?

    Well, he wasn’t someone I particularly liked as a person. That was the main reason for choosing him. I was only physically attracted to him.

    Wait, you didn’t like him?

    Nope. When I was 12 and hanging out with my teenage male cousins, I heard them say that when a girl had sex for the first time with a guy, he would be all she’d ever want and she would remain madly in love with him.

    Ah yes, a version of that insane thing people call Okafor’s law.

    It didn’t make any sense to me even at that time. Why would someone sleep with me once and I’d be stuck with them forever? What’s that about? So I decided two things that day: I would have sex for the first time at 18 because I’d be an adult then and the person would be someone I had no emotional connection to at all.

    And you made good on your promise. So how was the sex?

    It was a very weird experience. I didn’t enjoy it. Every time he tried to penetrate me was painful as hell and it took a long time before he was finally able to. We tried with condoms and wasted about 3 condoms before he suggested we do it without them. When he finally got in, it was still so painful and felt so horrible that I screamed. I also bled. He got tissues to wipe the blood and then told me that we weren’t done yet because he still hadn’t broken my hymen. I was new to sex so I believed that this was how it worked so I allowed him to continue. There was so much pain and eventually, I passed out. When I came to, he was still thrusting and he ejaculated inside me. He bought me antibiotics the next day. I wonder how I didn’t get pregnant because those were definitely not contraceptives. 

    That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry. When would you say sex got good?

    I continued to have sex with this first guy and it didn’t get any better. While we were doing this I reached out to a guy I really liked but couldn’t have my first time with. Now I had had sex and could meet with him. So we did and I had my first orgasm from penetration. I didn’t even know that I was orgasming, I just thought “This feels weird, but good.” It was the first time sex was good and I was confused because I had just come to believe that sex was a painful thing.

    After a while, I started dating another guy that I liked. At this time I was getting regular orgasms from penetration but my school was in another city so we could only have sex when I was out of school. 

    I was having sex in school though. With a woman I liked.

    *Gasps* Cheating???

    I didn’t consider it cheating. I just felt like I was living my life and it was nice. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything bad so I talked about it with my boyfriend. And he never pushed back or complained about anything. Since he was fine with it, in my head it wasn’t cheating.


    But to be fair, I was seeing her before I started seeing him and she also had a boyfriend who was not in the same city as well. We just didn’t see it as a big deal. But it was. I felt more for her than I did for my boyfriend but no thanks to conditioning, I’d always just seen any relationships with women as temporary and that I would eventually end up with a man so it was all just fun.

    Did you ever feel bad about it though?

    I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I think I’ve always just been polyamorous. I confirmed this after reading more about polyamory years later. In my mind and heart I knew I could feel things for many people, so why was that a bad thing?

    Preach sister! So how have things changed for you with sex?

    This year has been interesting. I have finally started having sex for myself. I used to have sex for many different reasons: a man liked me, paid me attention, asked for it or because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t because I actually liked penetrative sex and wanted to enjoy it for myself.

    Now, I choose my partners and if I don’t want to, I say no. For example, there’s a friend of mine who has been wanting to have sex with me. I’ve told him no a few times. He’s also asked to eat my ass a couple of times and I let him but with sex, I drew the line. And I didn’t even like the ass eating. I realised I was only letting him do it because I somehow thought this was a way to save our friendship. But he kept pressing and now it’s to hell with him and his friendship.

    So what has ‘having sex for yourself’ looked like this year?

    For starters, throughout the lockdown I learned to masturbate and enjoy it. I now make myself cum often. Before this, I would feel so much guilt and shame about masturbating. With the lockdown, a lot of things became less taboo for me.

    What are some of these things?

    Apart from masturbation, sleeping with people in relationships or married people. Having sex in multiples. I’ve already had three threesomes this year alone. With six different people!

    The first one was with a guy I liked and wanted to have sex with but he mentioned that he preferred to have sex in multiples. I told him I’d never had a threesome and so he set it up. We started with watching Netflix but soon that became background noise for our shenanigans. It was such an erotic experience. And it was intimate. I always thought intimacy had to be between two people but I was wrong. The entanglement of bodies just felt so pure. At some point after he penetrated her, I sucked her juices off his dick. Do you even know how magnificent that is?

    I can’t say that I do. How did the second threesome happen?

    I went home with a babe from the club. I thought it was going to be just me and her but her man was there. We made out and then she ate me out for what seemed like hours. When she was done, her man ate me out as well, I squirted, and then he and I had sex. It was really good.

    A random thing I’ve also experienced this year is that getting my toes sucked intensifies my orgasm.

    You, my friend, are living the life. So how would you rate your sex life over 10?

    I’d say 5/10.

    I beg your pardon?

    Okay, so I give it a 0/10 because I’m not having sex as frequently as I’d like. But 10/10 for when I get to have sex because it’s always so amazing. Put those together and you get 5/10.

    Edwin Madu

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  • “Leaving Nigeria Helped Me Accept My Sexuality”-Abroad Life

    The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

    Today’s subject on Abroad Life is a 21-year-old woman who discovered she is pansexual after moving to the US. She talks about leaving Nigeria, leaving religion and the journey to discovering and accepting her sexuality. 

    What was growing up in Nigeria like for you?

    I grew up with my parents and three brothers. There isn’t a significant age gap between my siblings and me, so we’ve always been close. My parents are religious and so we did a lot of church growing up. This affected me in many ways, but the most significant was that I was hypersexualised. Church members, teachers and adults took everything I did out of context and reported to my parents. If I talked to a guy, even in primary school, my parents would find out, so I was scolded and monitored a lot. 

    Damn.

    When I started using a phone, my parents would search my phone at every opportunity. I got smarter and began deleting messages, but they would notice. I remember one time when a guy texted me, “Good morning, my darling sister,” and I got in trouble because my mum saw it and got angry because someone was calling me “darling”. 

    How did all of this affect you?

    I started to question a lot of things. When I finished secondary school, I decided I didn’t want to go to church anymore and told my mum. She gave me one month to figure out why I made that decision. When the one month was complete, she asked if I knew my reason for making the decision, and when I said I didn’t, she said, “As long as you’re under my roof, you will keep going to church.”

    When did you decide to move to the US?

     I was in SS 1 when I decided to take the SATs. Thankfully, I started the process early because I took it twice before I completed secondary school. In 2017, my admission was ready, and that was when I left. 

    Did you go alone? 

    My brothers and I moved to the US in the space of four years. We came here for school. I live in the northern part of the US, and they all live in the south. I like being away from them. I’ve been closely monitored all my life, so being away from them is a relief.

    I’m curious, was it easy for your parents to let you leave Nigeria to live in another country on your own?

    It was. It was easy for them to let me go because I got a full scholarship with accommodation, books, feeding and all that. My uncle lived about an hour from my school, so they concluded that I’d have someone to watch over me. 

    What was it like moving to the US?

    I used to come here for holidays a lot when I was a kid, so it wasn’t new. But this time, I was free. In my final year of secondary school, I joined Twitter and started unlearning and learning many things. I unlearnt my homophobia and became a feminist. Moving to the US gave me more freedom to be more open-minded. 

    Young black woman texting with her smart phone in urban background. ⬇ Video by © javiindy Stock Footage #283475646

    What were some of the things that you explored?

    When I got to the US, I became very religious. I went to church three times a week. One day, I was sitting in church and I thought to myself, “Everything this pastor is saying is cool, but do I believe any of it? Do they align with my values?” My answer was no, and I just decided to stop going to church. 

    Just like that? 

    Yes. And since I’d stopped going to church, I was free to do the things that church was seemingly against. 

    What were those things? 

    Getting tattoos, piercings and exploring my sexuality. When I was younger, I struggled with my sexuality. I remember having dreams where I was with girls and praying the spirit of homosexuality away. Even in the US, before I stopped going to church, I realised I had a huge crush on a girl in my dorm. When it got to the point where I couldn’t hold back the feelings anymore, I blocked her. That’s how scared of I was of being queer. 

    The freedom I now had was amazing. But it was also very dangerous. 

    Dangerous?

    Yes. The way I approached exploring my sexuality was dangerous and unsafe. I was very shielded in my background, so freedom meant that I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have any community to guide me in the exploration of my sexuality, so I fell prey to a lot of weird and predatory people. I remember the first girl I was with. In that relationship, she made me do things that I would now consider as passing my boundaries, but there was no way I could tell that I was being taken advantage of. I was trying to be sexually liberated. 

    The messaging behind the concept of sexual liberation needs to be worked on because a lot of the time, it’s targeted at people in their late teens. These people need guidance. They need to take it slowly and understand themselves. But there’s a lot of pressure on them to try everything. That’s what I did. 

    After a while, I got into a safer community. At the end of 2018, I discovered that I am pansexual. 

    Are you openly pansexual?

    When I was in school, people knew. I don’t try to hide it except I’m in Nigeria or at my uncle’s place here. 

    How often are you at your uncle’s?

    I’m there every holiday. He can’t know because they’ll tell my parents. I even have to take out my piercings and wear long sleeves to cover my tattoos.

    Do your brothers know?

    They do. I was so excited to tell them. But my older brother thinks it’s because I’m now in America and woke that I decided to be pansexual. My twin brother and younger brother just said something like, “Okay, do you want us to clap for you”?

    Damn. Do you think you’ll ever tell your parents?

    I think my dad was on to me the last time I went to Nigeria. He kept asking me if I liked Bobrisky and supported what they did. We’d have arguments about the concept of homosexuality, and he’d tell me that everyone he knows that was queer when he was young is dead now. That they died of AIDS because they were gay. It is always so intense. One day, he called me to sit with him at 2 a.m. and told me that if I ever got caught with a woman, he’d disown me. 

    Oh, wow. What about your mum?

    She’s getting better. She’s going to therapy now. When I went to Nigeria last year, she apologised for being invasive and abusive to me when I was a child. We’re having better conversations now. I got out of a terrible relationship with a guy and was really sad and she was the only one I could talk to about it. She’d call me every day to ask how I was feeling. 

    That’s nice. Do you think you’ll ever tell her?

    The last time I saw her, I talked about supporting queer people and she said, “It’s only you that will support people like that o.” So, we’re not there yet. 

    What do you miss the most about Nigeria?

    Nothing. I can’t say the food because I can find Nigerian food here, and I can’t say family because my brothers are here. I don’t like being in Nigeria. Nigerians are a bit too aggressive. I’m soft; I cry easily. 

    What do you like about being in the US?

    Freedom from judgment. Here, I can be myself. I don’t have to edit bits of myself to fit into anybody’s book. Recently, when I graduated from university, my mum called me to thank me for not “disappointing” them after they trusted me to go abroad on my own. That’s probably because I graduated with a perfect 4.0 CGPA and got multiple scholarships. But would she still be proud of me if she found out I am pansexual or that I have tattoos and piercings?

    Want more Abroad Life? Check in every Friday at 9 A.M. (WAT) for a new episode. Until then, read every story of the series here.

    David Odunlami

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  • Sex Life: My Husband Helped Me Explore My Pansexuality

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman who discovers she isn’t attracted to only men relatively late. She talks about finding out about her sexuality, how her husband helped her explore her pansexuality and rejecting harmful teachings about sex.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was in my late teens, 17 or so. I had a crush on a prefect in my school, and we would touch each other in corners. One day, he invited me to his friend’s house, and we had sex. It was my first time. Looking back at it, it wasn’t groundbreaking, but then it felt like it was. I thought he was my prince charming, the person I would end up with. 

    What happened?

    We had a very childish breakup. I can’t remember the details, but I was so heartbroken then. That was it for secondary school.

    Uni?

    I stayed home for two years after secondary school before I went off to uni. My mum wanted me to learn a trade for a year, and I didn’t get enough points in my JAMB examination to gain admission. I got in the following year, three years after I left secondary school.

    Within that period, did your sex life change?

    A lot. At first, I felt more adult. I had friends and some freedom. I didn’t do much, but I did date a few people, and I think I slept with two boys. I was learning about myself, which was great, but my mother started noticing, and it made her so worried, she started coming down on me hard.

    How so?

    My mother was convinced I was becoming a prostitute. She would beat me or yell at me at every chance she got. When she wasn’t doing that, she was giving me bad advice about boys and sex. She would talk about teen pregnancy and how that would lead to my being a waste of space and a nuisance to society and how it could kill me. All of that fucked me up.

    I went from a flirty young girl to a reserved and scared babe who didn’t want to mess up and bring disappointment to her family. When I went to uni, I did not make friends fast because I didn’t want to mix with the wrong crowd. I didn’t mix with boys. This was a stark difference from who I was in secondary school.

    What was your sex life like then?

    Nonexistent. In my first two years in uni, I didn’t date or sleep with anyone. In my third year, I finally had a boyfriend that broke my heart and all I was thinking was, “hey my mama talk am.”

    LMAO. What happened?

    He cheated on me with my roommate. It was messy, but we move.

    What’s your sex life like now?

    Much better. I’ve let go of all of those harmful, patriarchal beliefs that my mother taught me and now I’m having a lot of sex and a lot of it is with women, so it’s good.

    Women?

    Lmao. So a few years ago, I realised I like women and men and even people who don’t identify as either. 

    Oh, so pansexual? 

    I identify as pansexual.

    Got it. When did you realise you didn’t just like men?

    Two years before I got married. 

    I had started pushing against these horrible ideas that my mum had taught me about sex — how my virginity was the greatest gift I could give my husband — and started enjoying life and sex. Around this period was actually when I met my husband — who is the best person I have ever met and a true God-sent. But just before I met him, I met a friend of a friend, and she was so damn gorgeous. I was struck and that was when it hit me that I really am attracted to women. Before this, I would look at women and find them attractive but never really understood that I was attracted to them. I think I didn’t want to confront it back then. 

    Long story short, me and this gorgeous friend of a friend kissed for a bit and that was what sealed the deal. Not long after, I met my husband, and it was a monogamous relationship for the longest time.

    How did you meet your husband?

    Twitter. It was a very random interaction that turned into DMs and then a friendship and eventually, a marriage.

    How’s your sex life as a married woman? 

    The best. My husband is willing to learn and explore things with me and in me. I fell in love with sex because of him. 10/10 easily.

    Wow. So what do you mean by “monogamous for the longest time”?

    We opened our marriage about two years ago. I told my husband that I liked women and wanted to try it. He wasn’t overly enthusiastic at the beginning, but he was supportive. We talked about it for months and agreed on how it would function.  

    Can you tell me about how it functions?

    I can sleep with women, but it must be women we don’t know and it must be far removed from us. He doesn’t step out of our relationship, but once in a while, we bring someone to bed with us.

    How has that been for you guys?

    Great actually. We’re in sync now more than ever and our sex life is just banging. Pun unintended.

    What has sex with women been like for you, especially compared to sex with men?

    I think it boils down to individual partners. Some men are clueless; they just hammer on and think if the woman is screaming, it means they’re enjoying it. On the flip side, some women too are clueless. However, in my experience, I think women are more willing to listen and adapt and give you what you want. Men tend to take feedback as an attack on their masculinity. So overall? With the exception of my husband, all the best sex I’ve had has been with women.

    Fascinating. You’ve had a hell of a sexual trajectory. What do you think is the highlight of all this?

    The game-changer wasn’t discovering I was attracted to more than just men. It was meeting my husband. He was so willing to learn and unlearn with me, to push against norms and we were able to change our relationship and marriage so it fit us even better.

    Nice, nice. How would you rate your sex life?

    A solid 10. I get to be with the man I love while exploring my inner freak. I can’t believe how lucky I am.

    Desmond

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  • Sex Life: I Started Having Great Sex After Settling Into My Identity

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 32-year old pansexual trans man who grew up in Nigeria then relocated to the US. He talks about navigating sex as a trans man and dealing with transphobia from his partners.

    What was your first sexual experience?

    I was very reserved as a kid, and I didn’t do a lot of the adventurous stuff kids my age were doing. Then when I was fourteen, I remember messing around with this girl from school.

    We didn’t do much — she would touch my legs and thighs sometimes in class. She was my first kiss and first attempt at sex, but what we had didn’t last long. 

    Why didn’t it last long?

    Rumours started flying about us. People noticed and everyone was talking about how two girls were lesbianing together. Can you guess what happened next?

    No. What?

    The babe distanced herself from me and joined people in spreading rumours about me. I was considered a tomboy then, so I was an easy target. Like, this babe went from initiating stuff to making me out to be some kind of predator. 

    Jesus Christ.

    It was awful, but it was, unfortunately, not my only experience with how stressful cis people can be. Luckily, my family moved states not long after that, and I didn’t return to that school the next year.

    How did that affect you in the long term?

    It was traumatising. People attacking me in that way, someone I was intimate with turning on me like that because of my gender expression is something I still deal with till today.

    Till today? How so?

    After I came into my gender identity, I dated this babe who said she was okay with my identities. She even had her pronouns in her bio. But whenever we would quarrel, she would use female pronouns on me. 

    When we made up, she would say she was caught up in the heat of it all and apologise. After we broke up, she told me she would send boys to beat me. Someone heard her telling people she would get boys to rape me.

    It fucked me up for a long time.

    I’m so sorry about that. 

     It’s fine. I am much better now.

    How’s your sex life now?

    Really good. It took me years to accept and find peace with my identities as a pansexual trans man, but I have and now, my sex life is thriving. I am having more and better sex in my thirties than I was in my twenties, and I hope it keeps getting better. 

    One thing no one tells you is that, as a queer person, you sacrifice your early years to your parents and society. We tend to belong to ourselves only when we are older. Now, I and my orgasms belong to me.

    I am not currently dating anyone, but I’m also not searching, so I’m having regular sex  —  at least thrice a week — with many different people.

    Do you still hook up with cis people?

    Yeah, I do. Regularly. I always and without fail let them know my gender identity before we get into bed, but I don’t know if I want to date any cis person soon. I have suffered in their hands a little bit too much.

    Fair. When did you realise you were pansexual?

    I always knew, even though I didn’t know the word. The same way I always knew I wasn’t a girl despite what everyone said. I always liked who I liked. I would see a boy on TV and be like, “Damn”, then I would see a girl and feel the same. 

    People started calling me lesbian, and I accepted the label because I think I always knew that even though I like girls and boys, I like girls just a little bit more. But I didn’t explore my pansexuality until I got into university.

    Why did you wait till then?

    I think after what happened in secondary school, I repressed myself for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with that type of bullying or gaslighting. For uni, I went to the US. It was there that I came to terms with my pansexuality and transness. 

    I knew who I was before I got there, but being in that space helped me explore and understand it better. Then I made friends with similar identities and that just permitted me to be myself.

    By my third year in uni, I was a certified slut. Every day, a new person. I felt like I wanted to make up lost time.

    What about relationships?

    I have a horrible track record with relationships. People are very violent with trans people, especially in relationships. The first person I was intimate with was the babe in secondary school. 

    The next person was a girl who kept using me for examples on social media and in real life. Like, casually using my experiences, body, and things she knew about me as a partner to be making examples on Twitter. All without my permission.

    Hian.

    See. I would tell her to stop, then she would apologise, and the next thing I would see is a tweet like  “Trans men do not owe you a penis. My boyfriend hasn’t had bottom surgery, and I love his vagina.” It was too much. 

    The sex was the bomb, but after a while, I realised it was time to end it. The next girl was the one who was transphobic when we quarrelled. Then I dated someone when I was in Nigeria for a while. That might have been my best relationship.

    Tell me about that.

    It was with a trans woman. I was in Nigeria for a few months for a project, and I hoped to remain unattached for a while. Then I met her and we just clicked. I think it’s the similarity of our experiences and everything. From sexual appetite to our minds, we were actual matches.

    What happened then?

    Have you ever met someone that you just know is meant for you, but the location didn’t allow you to be the best couple you could be? That’s what happened. 

    I don’t think I have ever fallen that hard in love, but I had to go back to the US, and I am waiting for her to join when she’s done with her degree. I know once we are in the same place, it will work. 

    Wow. Have you dated anyone since then?

    Yeah, a guy.

    Oh? 

    Yup. Also by this time, I had a phalloplasty.

    What’s that?

    Bottom surgery. Most people know of metoidioplasty, the gender-affirming bottom surgery which helps a trans man get a new penis by enlarging the clitoris. I had a phalloplasty, which means they used skin grafted from my body to form a penis.

     Then I had a penile implant so I can get and maintain erections.

    That’s amazing.

    Yup, it is. The first is more popular because it is more straight forward than the second and doesn’t require as many revisions or doctor visits. Luckily, after the project I had been working on, I could afford the procedure, as well as the time for all of this.

    That makes sense, How did that affect your relationships moving forward?

    Well, the boy I dated next spent a huge part of our relationship measuring our penises.

    Excuse me?

    Yup. I had to ask my friends in gay relationships if this was a normal thing, and they were all shocked. One time, he said mine was bigger because it was fake. I broke up with him via text.

    He deserved it, please.

    Plus the sex wasn’t really good. We keep dragging straight cis men, but the gay ones should up their game too.

    LMAO. I agree.

    I think people have been looking at me as a real trans man now that I have had top and bottom surgery, which is just sad. I have always been a trans man, even when my parents made me wear skirts and gowns. 

    I wish people realised your transness isn’t only legitimate after surgery. 

    True. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Eight. I am having a lot of good sex regularly. I just hope it keeps getting better.

    Desmond

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  • Discovering My Body Through Sex And Masturbation

    Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old pansexual woman who went from trying to disvirgin herself and not knowing what masturbation meant to exploring her sexuality and learning about her body.

    When did you have sex for the first time?

    I was 20 and in my first year in university. I met this boy during university clearance, and we started talking, then we dated. I fell in love with him and it was beautiful. In the first year of our relationship, I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex, so we just used to make out — very intense making out sessions. Then one day, I was like, you know what? I’m going to have this sex. It was like a bomb went off in my head. I was 20 and my mates had been having sex since they were 14/15. 

    Wait, what?

    Hahaha, see you. 

    Wetin Ope no go see for gate. So what stopped you from having sex at that age?

    I guess it was purity culture. All I had heard about sex before that time was that it was bad, that you’ll get pregnant or get AIDs.

    Anyway, so I was 20 and curious. On this fateful day, we finished eating, saw a movie and started making out. Then I grabbed his dick and I was like, biko, put this thing inside me. He was like, are we really doing this? I was like, sure, why not? I mean, I had tried to disvirgin myself by myself… 

    Like masturbation?

    Not really, because I hadn’t discovered masturbation then, didn’t know what it was. I was just using my hand to do the thing and it was painful AF. 

    Why did you do that?

    Like I said, I was just curious and tired. Everyone — classmates etc. — assumed I was having sex because they thought I was a slut. Me that I wasn’t even getting any. I don’t believe in that term “slut”. But they were conflating being sexually liberated with having sex and having multiple sexual partners; I basically had no shame when talking about sex or other sexual activities, so they called me a slut. 

    People. 

    Yup. And even when I had sex for the first time, it was so painful. I kept telling him it was hurting, and he was like, Ah, I don’t want to hurt you…sorry… But I wasn’t going to let him stop, I couldn’t have waited all this time and gone through all that pain for him to stop. He better continue this thing so that we can be free to fuck anytime. At the point where he had completely entered, I was still in so much pain and it felt like the guy was in heaven because he kept saying, “Are we really doing this?” “We’re really fucking, we’re really having sex right now.” I was like yo, stop talking fam. And there was no blood.

    Wait, you thought…  

    Again, purity culture. People often said that the first time you have sex, there would be blood. I had already planned how I would dispose of the bedsheet. 

    So yeah, I didn’t enjoy sex the first four times. In fact in that relationship, I only enjoyed sex a few times. 

    Yikes. 

    I remember one experience I enjoyed though. It was this time in his sister’s bathroom, she’d gone to spread her clothes downstairs and she was literally about to walk in on us. The sex was literally just 20 seconds, but it was fucking amazing. It was the rush, the adrenaline. So there’s this thing my body almost always does: it chooses to orgasm in the midst of danger and it’s always fantastic. 

    Mad oh. 

    I just remembered this other time before we broke up. I had already mentally dissociated myself from him because I was falling in love with someone else, a girl. We had sex on the floor, I was on my period and I let him come inside me. While we were having sex, I was thinking of her. It was great. There were a few other times I enjoyed sex with him, but I feel like I willed myself to enoy the sex. I was madly in love with him, but I was not physically attracted to him. 

    Oh yeah, I also think I liked him because he was a bit effeminate, and I love effeminate men. We were together for three years, but the energy started dropping after the first year. 

    What happened next?

    I just realised that even before we broke up, in the second year of our relationship, I cheated on him with some guy I met who I was attracted to from the jump. Hahaha. Like when I saw him, I was like yep, I’m going to have sex with this guy. So I literally would go from having sex with this guy, to hang out and have unethusiastic sex with my boyfriend. And I didn’t care because I knew what I just got.  So yeah, we broke up and I moved to the babe I had fallen in love with. 

    Have you always known that you were not just attracted to men?

    I guess I had always known. When we were kids and we played mummy and daddy, I always liked to do it with a girl. I didn’t necessarily know that there was another way to be because heteronormativity is forced down your throat. But as an adult, having feelings for a woman was very weird. I always chase passion. So I told her I had feelings for her, and we got talking and she asked me to be her girlfriend and na so relationship start. 

    I have to quote Rihanna, sex with her so amazing. There is just something more close to home when you sleep with a woman as another woman. So the first time, the twenty fifth time, they were all so great. I mean the relationship did get bad. I feel like there were times we tolerated sex with each other. And that’s because I feel like we didn’t always like each other. This was 2017. There’s this thing that my body does when I don’t like the sex — the sex always hurts. 

    So what do you identify as?

    I’m pansexual. For me, this means that it’s the person I fall in love with. It’s not your genitals or identity. It’s you as a human being — the skin and the organs and the pulse in your veins. That’s why I can’t choose a side. It’s the connection for me. It’s not what you look like or what you identify as. 

    I love how well you know your body, how you can tell what you want and what you don’t want. Must you have some sort of connection with someone before you can have sex with them?

    Honestly, yes, but I’ve had some dead nacks in my life to know that that may not always be the case. There’s this guy that I used to like, we had sex and it was so good. Then in 2018, I contacted him again to have sex and it was rubbish because it hurt — clearly my body didn’t want to be there. So sometimes, you just want to fuck, and you’re too tired to fuck yourself. 

    This just made me a lot more curious about “fucking yourself” because when you started having sex in 2015, you hadn’t discovered masturbation. How did you get here?

    In the beginning, it was hard. Many times, I tried and failed to give myself pleasure. Up until 2018, I didn’t know how to masturbate. I hadn’t learned my body, so it just didn’t sit right. I would touch myself till it felt good and just stop there. I don’t know what I was afraid of. I guess I just wasn’t ready to take that power for myself. But one day I did. 

    Wiun. 

    It was amazing. I cried a bit, hahaha. Then I laughed hysterically after. I was sitting in my own cum and pee and just laughing because I knew that it was the beginning of self pleasure for me and I had been waiting for a long time to come into myself this way. 

    Sounds Amazing. 

    It really is. 

    So what’s sex for you these days?

    Me and my toys! 

    Don’t you ever feel like you need more?

    Oh I do. But I’m not sleeping with anybody I don’t want to sleep with again. Recently, I travelled to see someone I had known for three months. I had planned to have sex with him just because I wanted sex. He’s sweet, kind but I’m not attracted to him. Anyway, my period came and he did not touch me because men are afraid of a little blood. I was a tad disappointed because I don’t know when next I’ll have sex with another human being again, but I felt okay. It would have probably hurt sef. 

    What’s your opinion of sex now?

    I think sex is beautiful and hot. When you come, for those 2.5 seconds, it feels like everything is alright with the world. You get?

    Haha. I think so. After having to unlearn so much about purity culture, what will you tell your children about sex?

    I’ll tell them to enjoy sex. I’ll tell them my stories about masturbation and the times when sex hurt, so they won’t be afraid or ashamed to tell me anything. I’d really want them to learn about themselves and their bodies, so they know what they want with sex. I would hate to hear that my child was having sex just to fill a gaping hole in them — which I sometimes do — I only want them to have sex when they want. 

    How would you rate your sex life?

    A solid 7/10. 

    Ope

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