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Owambe | Zikoko!
  • I Avoid Getting Sprayed With Money at Events

    The typical Nigerian “owambe” is barely a complete experience if guests haven’t rained money on the celebrant in an almost excessive display of wealth. While most people look forward to this highlight, I was shocked to find out that there are others who’d rather skip the entire show. 

    Amid EFCC’s recent clampdown on socialites for spraying money at events, Segun* shares how his mum’s experience with a diabolic relative shaped his interaction with money at social functions. 

    As Told To Adeyinka

    My earliest memory of my mum getting furious and creating a scene in public was at my 10th birthday party. 20 years later, I still have a vivid picture of what happened.

    While dancing on the stage, an aunt from my father’s side came to press ₦50 notes against my forehead. I’m not sure if it was a deliberate attempt on her part, but she wouldn’t put the money anywhere else but my forehead. I remember my mum yanking me off almost immediately and walking off the stage. My aunt was furious, and they both got into a loud argument that almost disrupted the party. My aunt argued that my mum’s action implied she had ill intent against me. My mum, on the other, hand wasn’t willing to take chances.

    Years later, I learnt that what happened on my birthday was a traumatic response to my mum’s experience at her wedding. The gist is, an older relative who came from the village pressed money against her head the same way my aunt did at my birthday. My mum fell sick for weeks after her wedding and was hospitalised.  The doctors couldn’t say exactly what was wrong and all the treatment did nothing to improve her condition.

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    Things only got better after my granny involved an Islamic cleric who revealed they had to find and discard “bad money” from a close relative sprayed on her wedding day. Many relatives attended the wedding and since my mum was barely conscious, she couldn’t tell the family members whom she suspected. Remember, she was hospitalised almost immediately after her wedding, so all the money from the wedding was still in a bag. It was hard to identify which money was from whom so the cleric suggested giving everything to charity. She was discharged about a week later and the doctors described her recovery as “miraculous”. 

    That experience shook my mum’s core, and it shaped her interaction with money at social events. If the money isn’t in an envelope or sprayed into a collection bag or basket, my mum doesn’t want it. This has also rubbed off on me and my siblings over the years. We might not be as extreme as our mum, but if someone aims for our head or forehead while spraying money, we find ways to dodge it or remove ourselves from that situation. 

    In my case, I also avoid doing the same to people. I’d rather put the money in a brown envelope and give it to the celebrant, spray it in the collection bag or just ignore it entirely. 

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    READ ALSO: Zikoko’s Guide to Avoid Spraying Money at Parties

  • Zikoko’s Guide to Avoid Spraying Money at Parties

    I don’t know how it came to be, but spraying money is a big part of Nigeria’s owambe culture. 

    Owambe
Party
    Source: Zikoko memes

    Unfortunately, this culture hurts your account balance. How can you enjoy parties and still avoid spraying money?

    Stay at home

    Source: Zikoko memes

    You won’t have to spray anyone if you’re not at the party. Whip out your phone and stream the party live— problem solved.

    Sit down and just vibe to the music

    Source: Zikoko memes

    Even if you decide to go to the party, don’t stand up to dance.  Just move from side to side on your seat. 

    Find fellow non-sprayers

    Source: Zikoko memes

    Find like-minded people who are just there to eat and have fun.

    Always carry something in both hands

    Source: Zikoko memes

    When your hands are busy, you can’t spray money.

    Wear the aso-ebi

    Source: Zikoko memes

    This is the best way to blend in with the crowd. They won’t notice you’re not spraying if you’ve already spent money on their ₦50k lace.

    Pretend to be the official photographer

    Carry a camera around and take on the role of the official wedding photographer. People will assume you’re too busy capturing moments to participate in the spraying ritual.

    Source: Zikoko memes

    Adopt a “no cash” policy

    Source: Zikoko memes

    Claim that you’ve gone cashless for the day and proudly show off your empty wallet. Insist that you’re fully committed to the digital payment evolution and cannot participate in the spraying tradition.

    Blend into the background

    Party
Owambe
    Source: Zikoko memes

    If you can’t blend in with the “haves” in your aso-ebi, find a cozy spot near a wall, somewhere secluded, or even under the tablecloth. Once the spraying starts, fade into the background and become one with the furniture.

    Hire a personal bodyguard

    Bouncer
Owambe
Party
    Source: Zikoko memes

    Find big gym bros to shield you from any attempts to make you spray. It might cost you, but whatever the cost, we’re sure it’ll be lower than senselessly spraying mint cash all day.

  • QUIZ: Which Owambe Souvenir Are You?

    Since you’re always asking God if you’re a spoon, we decided to give you an answer once and for all. So take this quiz to find out

  • Zikoko Hack: How to Attend an Owambe and Eat Like a King

    Have you ever been served food that looks like it was from the bottom of the pot an owambe? Meanwhile, the waiters pass snail, Chinese rice and pepper soup over your head to other guests. How is it that some people get the best food at these parties, but you keep getting one spoon of jollof rice and a hard piece of meat? It’s because everyone else follows our advice but you. Let me help you avoid that at your next owambe.

    Become a server 

    Party servers always hoard the best food for themselves. At the end of the party, you’ll see them eating food that wasn’t even on the menu. Become a server, and you’ll have extra food to take home sef. 

    Pretend to be a server 

    If you can’t get the catering company to hire you days before the event, don’t panic. Just pretend you’re one. Get there while the caterer is setting up and steal somebody’s uniform. The owambe chaos will be too much for the caterer to even notice you’re not one of their people.  

    Know the person in charge of the food 

    You have to do your research to find out the names of at least five big aunties related to the hosts’ family. Trace them and befriend them. This is a lot of work for food you’re going to poop out sha. 

    Pretend to be the person in charge 

    Just walk around and start giving orders to the people serving food. Tell them who to serve to, and make sure they start with your table. If they ask who you are, just give them one serious traditional name and say you’re the person in charge.

    Have the family aso ebi

    Wearing the aso ebi for immediate family members gives you privileges like getting served the best food. I don’t know how you want to get the family aso ebi sha. Good luck with that.

    Befriend an usher

    Become good friends with one of the ushers and they’ll place you on the best table and make sure food gets to you.

    Sit in front 

    The people at the front are the ones who get the best available food. Get to the party early, and sit in front. If they say it’s reserved for someone, say you’re that person. 

    Impersonate a family member 

    Say you’re one of the immediate family members of the host. If mother or father doesn’t work because you look too young, say you’re a sibling.  

    ALSO READ: How To Attend And Enjoy An Owambe Party Properly

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  • No Owambe Is Complete Without These 7 People

    Nothing can stop Nigerians from throwing elaborate parties, wearing asoebi and generally having the time of their lives. Same way, you can’t attend owambe and not find these people. 

    The fashionistas

    This one will do anything to stand out. If you’re not careful, you’ll mistake them for the celebrant. Wearing the latest style, flawless makeup and expensive jewellery, they turn heads as they go. They’re either there to represent or pepper someone. 

    The foodies

    They’re there just for the food, so imagine trying to skip them when you’re sharing? They’ll fight you. It doesn’t matter if they can’t pronounce the name of the food or have never seen it before, as long as it’s on the menu, they want it. They’re the actual embodiment of awoof dey run belle.

    RELATED: These 6 Nigerian Meals Should Be on All Owambe Menus 

    The content creators

    They don’t just attend owambes, they make sure their whole contact list attends with them. With how diligent they are in creating content, you’d wonder if they’re getting paid for it. They take pictures and videos of everything; food, decor, themselves… 

    The dancers 

    Mostly found on the bridal train or among the groomsmen, these ones just want to show off their dance moves. Their videos will end up trending, so that’s good. 

    The party crashers

    We call these ones mo gbo mo ya. They have no idea what the name of the couple is, but they were bored and heard about the party, so there they are. You’d think they’re part of the family in their best fit, and with the biggest smiles. 

    RELATED: How To (Successfully) Gatecrash An Owambe In Nigeria 

    The commentators 

    With years of owambe experience under their belt, they believe they know how everything should be. Their job is to criticise everything, from hall size to the bridal train dresses and the texture of meat. 

    The scouts

    They’re at different parties every other week, hoping to find the love of their lives. Or at least, the next person to sponsor their soft life. 

    ALSO READ: The Most Effective Ways to Avoid Aso-Ebi Billing

  • The Most Effective Ways to Avoid Aso-Ebi Billing

    Aso-ebi — or “and co” or “uniform” — isn’t a bad idea on its own. What’s not to love about wearing colourful ‘fits that also serve as your full pass to party jollof and owambe souvenirs

    We’ll tell you what’s not to love: the cost. Sure, society says buying aso-ebi is a show of support but should you really be buying ₦80k aso-ebi with how bad the naira is crashing? Even bread is going on strike, these days. 

    Avoiding aso-ebi billing is an art, and here’s how you can do it:

    Don’t have friends

    Hear us out: If you have zero friends, who will disturb you about buying their wedding aso-ebi?

    Accuse your bank

    Take a page from Anna Delvey’s book and just say Emefiele has frozen your account because you didn’t get a credit alert for 60 days. 

    Blame your family

    “My mother said her pastor told her that I must not wear the same clothes as anyone else.”

    “We don’t wear blue lace in my family.”


    RELATED: 7 Situations That Make Nigerians Extra Religious


    Turn off your WhatsApp read receipts

    So you can always read and ignore any attempt to make you part with money in this Buhari era.

    Say you’re busy that day

    “Oh, your wedding is on the 5th? Chai. My dog’s vet’s neighbour is burying his dog on that same day. I’m so pained.” If they tell you to buy the aso-ebi like that, just run.

    Start crying

    Tell them all about how aso-ebi makes you remember your late family member that died while wearing aso-ebi at a burial. Anyone that forces you to buy after such a sad story is just heartless.

    Tell them you’ve not eaten 

    The trick is, immediately you notice that aso-ebi talk is coming, just start lamenting about how you’ve not eaten for three weeks. They’ll run away on their own to avoid you asking them for money.


    RELATED: 7 Very Nigerian Excuses People Use to Not Pay Back Money


    Blame the planets

    Mercury is in retrograde, Venus is rising and… look, the point is, it won’t be safe for you to go out that day. They have to understand.

    If all else fails, claim amnesia

    Just claim you don’t know them. Remember your mother said you shouldn’t have anything to do with strangers.


    NEXT READ: Eight Ways to Practice Self-Care in a Nigeria That Doesn’t Care About You

  • 12 Pictures You Can Relate to if You’ve Ever Been Denied Food at an Owambe

    The only thing worse than chopping breakfast served by your lover is being denied food at an owambe. If you’ve ever experienced this, then you can relate to these pictures.

    So you’ve thought about this owambe you were invited to all week, and now you can’t wait to attend. You get there and you totally love the ambiance. Today is going to be a good day.

    You choose your seat strategically so you can avoid any stories that touch the heart

    You dance moderately so you don’t miss the real reason you’re here

    They shart sharing food and you keep your cool so you don’t look too excited

    An hour passes and you’ve still not gotten food

    But the 50+ man beside you has already wiped his plate clean. Now you’re wondering if you’re invisible.

    You swallow your pride and decide to be assertive 

    You ask for food but someone says, “I’ve served everybody here nauuu!”

    You start begging with your face

    Not all-out begging o. You just give them face so that the usher will pity you. So they agree to give you food. All is finally well.

    They come back to tell you that it’s only semo they have left


    RELATED: 13 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Attended An Owambe Uninvited


    You try to hold back the tears as you say, “bring it” 

    But they tell you meat has finished.

    At this point, you can’t hold back the tears anymore

    Someone sees your pain and gives you a souvenir so you don’t feel so bad

    You leave in regrets and decide to try again next Sunday


    YOU SHOULD ALSO READ: 5 Signs You Might Be a Party Hoarder

  • Why Nigerian Aunties Won’t Let Kizz Daniel’s “Buga” Rest

    You have to be living under a rock not to have heard Kizz Daniel’s Buga by now. While the song has taken over charts, playlists, and clubs like every other Kizz Daniel song, Buga has also become a fave of Nigerian mummies and aunties worldwide. At this point, it’s not even our song anymore. They’ve hijacked it from us and refused to let it go. 

    We caught up with some of these aunties to talk about why Buga has them in a chokehold, and this is what they had to say for themselves. 

    “The dance is simple. The lyrics are simple. What else do I want?” 

    — Folashade, 58

    Every time I open my Instagram, you guys (millennials downwards) are always trying to kill yourselves in the name of dance and “legwork”. When it’s not like you’re Michael Jackson? 

    If I like a song, I’ll look for the dance on the internet and immediately get discouraged because it’s too hardBut with Kizz Daniel’s Buga, the dance is very easy to learn, and we’ve been doing it since my days. Go low and come back up, finish. 

    I’m too old to be somersaulting because of music. 

    “This is the perfect owambe song, simple.” 

    — Ibidun, 48

    I’ll be very angry if I go for an owambe and they don’t play Buga. What are you celebrating if we’re not doing that “lo lo lo” dance? Ko possible. I heard the song at a wedding last month, and now I play it daily in the kitchen, in the car, everywhere. Buga makes me want to dance and every time I hear “Collect your money”, I start shouting, “That’s my boy.” 

    I keep going to all these events so I can dance to the song with a crowd since I’m too old to go clubbing. Who knows, I might jam him at one of these weddings — I’ll run mad!

    RECOMMENDED: Kizz Daniel Has No Bad Songs. Here Are 10 of his Best Ones

    “After working hard all my life, I’m ready to buga” 

    — Khadija, 50

    Young people don’t understand how deep Kizz Daniel’s Buga is. Yes, we’re all dancing and my children are putting me on the internet, but that song means more to me than just the dance. I retired a while ago after more than 25 years as a civil servant. I worked hard all those years, and now, I’m travelling, attending all the owambes I can find and living a baby girl life or whatever they call it. 

    “You don work, you don try. You suppose to dey jaiye jaiye”, these lyrics from Buga describe how I’m taking on this new chapter of my life. Your generation may not get it because you’re all still working up and down. You can’t even Buga properly because of deadlines. Pele my dear. 

    “It feels good to connect to my grandson without it feeling forced.” 

    — Becky, 63

    One of the sad things about growing older is finding it difficult to connect with younger people and the things they like. I don’t understand social media and I don’t want to. And with music, my teenage grandson is constantly playing all these gragra songs that sound like people are fighting, and I don’t like them. But I liked Kizz Daniel’s Buga from the first time I heard it in his car. It’s such a sweet song that makes me feel good and relaxed. 

    My grandson is always sending me videos of people dancing to it and those videos make my day. 

    “I’m Kizz Daniel’s number one fan.” 

    — Folakemi, 42

    I’ve liked Kizz Daniel since day one. I know all the songs from Woju, even though I don’t like that Poko and that F*ck You song. But with Buga, Every time I’m in a bad mood, it just makes my shoulders  move instinctively. Then I start to dance. 

    Kizz Daniel is consistent with his sound, and everything feels intentional because I can tell he just wants listeners to have a good time. In this country where everything is going higgy hagga, Kizz Daniel’s music is good escapism. For me and my gals, Buga is our song. We need him to do a Christian version sha so I can dance to it in church during Harvest. 

    “Lyrics that I understand and aren’t sinful? Thank God!”

    — Joy, 51

    It’s hard to listen to music these days and not feel weird because of all the lewd lyrics. Everything shouldn’t be about sex and violence. Where is the joy? That’s why I like Buga. It’s a fun, happy-go-lucky song about having a good time and celebrating. The lyrics are not too fast, which makes it easy to learn. We need more songs like this. 

    ALSO READ: 7 Types of Nigerian Aunties at an Owambe

  • QUIZ: How Many Words Can You Make Out of “Owambe” in 1 Minute?

    You don’t deserve to get invited to Owambes if you can’t make 15 words out of “Owambe” in one minute.

    “Owambe” can be rearranged into 39 different English words. How many can you get?

  • How to Successfully Plan a Surprise Party for Your Nigerian Parents

    Our parents have gotten older now, and it’s our turn to make them happy. But Nigerian parents make it tough to surprise them. Nigerian mums always want to know what you’re doing; they’re always in your business. 

    We’re going to help you with a few tips on how to successfully throw a surprise party for your Nigerian parents. 

    1. Tell them to follow you to a religious event

    Nigerian parents are often very religious and won’t hesitate to follow you to a religious event. They’ll be impressed that God has finally touched your life and will be a little to enthusiastic about the trip. 

    2. Don’t tell their friends about the party till the night before

    You don’t want anyone ruining the surprise you’ve spent months planning. If you tell your mum’s friend early on, the invitation to the event will end up on her Unique Sisters WhatsApp group chat. Wait until the night before to invite their friends to the surprise. 

    3. Don’t live in the same house with them

    If you don’t live with your parents, you’re safe. But if you live in the same house with your parents, one of your parents is going to sniff the information out from you. Move out of their house until you let the cat out of the bag. I don’t know where you’re going to live in the meantime o, but sha move out of their house until it’s over. 

    RECOMMENDED: Every Nigerian Parent’s Search History Probably Looks Like This

    4. Tell them you’re taking them out to see their favourite actor 

    Tell them you have tickets for them to hang out with their favourite actors. You think Nigerian parents don’t care about things like this, but they really do. Alternatively, you can also try to have that actor at the surprise party.

    5. Drive around your area and attend any party you see going on with them

    You didn’t throw the party or plan it, but you attended it with them nonetheless. If they’re not even disappointed by your action, they’ll be surprised you decided to be a “mogbo, moya” (translation: “I heard, I turned”). 

    6. Surprise them by getting married 

    If you’re unmarried, find a boo and get married. That’ll def surprise your parents. Give your parents a reason to celebrate, be happy and also surprised. If your parents are still not surprised after all this, then we don’t know for you again. 

    ALSO READ: 10 Things to Be Prepared for When Planning a Wedding in Nigeria

  • QUIZ: Plan An Owambe And We’ll Guess Your Dream Vacation Destination

    Do you know how to plan parties? What if we told you we could guess your dream vacation destination based on how you plan an owambe, would you believe us?


  • 6 Ways Your Nigerian Wedding Can Seriously Go Wrong

    We’ve shared a first timer’s guide to attending a Nigerian wedding in case you’re new to the Owambe lifestyle. If on the other hand, you’re the one wedding please pray these 6 things don’t happen.

    They can seriously ruin your matrimonial plans.

    1. If your caterer decides to be a witch

    Never underestimatetbe power of a Nigerian caterer to ruin your wedding. Never, ever.

    2. If you have been deceiving people’s children

    You have finished deceiving your three side lovers that they’re the absolute loves of your life. Now, you want to get married in peace? You lie!

    3. If you don’t share souvenirs

    Ehn? After buying Aso-ebi 25k, you will leave people empty-handed? You want to see crazy. Share something, even if it’s a roll of tissue

    4. If you don’t share Jellof, small chops or Amala

    Is it even an Owambe if small chops or Jellof rice isn’t on the menu? Mama Rasheeda literally skipped meals just so she can eat four plates of Amala. So come correct.

    5. If you hire a mad DJ

    Imagine expecting a playlist containing classic wedding bops, only for the DJ to play a recording of their last sexcapade… To the hearing of all your 500 guests. Ah.

    6. If you hire an anyhow photographer

    Beautiful moments at your wedding are documented so you can revisit and cherish the memories. Videos of that you-may-kiss-the-bride moment nko? Sweet. But everything can go wrong if the person you hire for the job does anyhow.

    In the spirit of Nigerian weddings and the culture surrounding it, bCODE will be rewarding a Nigerian couple will full video and photography coverage of their wedding ceremony.

    How to Win: ​

    • Create a 1minute clip telling about your love story.​
    • Upload on social media using the hashtag #HavaianasOWAMbe​
    • Tag @shopthebcode​ on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

    Submission of entries starts on Saturday August 1st and ends September 11th, 2021.​

    Voting of shortlisted entries commences on 11th of September, 2021. ​Couples with the most engagement will be entered in a raffle and a winner picked.

  • 7 Things We Miss About Owambes

    Corona is outside and we can’t party as hard as we want. But that does not stop us from daydreaming about all the things we miss, right?

    1. The aso ebi.

    Or even colour codes for the party. We miss being genuinely excited to dress up for an actual event.

    2. The live band.

    And good music that will make you throw away your home training. Whew! God when again?

    3. Spraying money.

    The face you make when the music enters your bones. The face you make when you’re really ready to spray that dollar. The face you make when you want to show them that you mean business. Just what we miss!

    4. The food.

    Nothing beats the taste of party Jollof. Nothing at all.

    5. Showing off.

    Because really, what is the point of an owambe if you don’t show off and oppress your haters with your slay?

    6. The souvenirs.

    Those really fabulous parties where they share anything and everything from matches to tomato paste to Mama Lemon soap.

    7. The premium fun that only a correct owambe can give you.

    We really miss owambes. Can Corona please pack her load and be going? We have heard your message ma, and we are sorry. Please come and be going.

  • 7 Types Of Nigerian Aunties At An Owambe

    Nigerian owambe‘s are always a vibe. They are the classic cocktail of music, people, and party Jollof. If you’re lucky you meet your future husband/wife at one. If you’re unlucky you run into your ex with their new bae/boo. But hey, no pressure. Asides the ex’s and the next’s there is another special demographic of owambe attendees we would like to recognize today- our precious Nigerian aunties.

    You have definitely met one of the Nigerian aunties on this list if you have been attending owambes for a while. If you haven’t met any then you have not been attending Nigerian owambe’s, don’t argue plix.

    1. The ones that will end up fighting for souvenirs.

    zikoko- Nigerian Aunties

    You see them and you think they came to celebrate with the couple like everyone else. But they manifest their real purpose when the souvenirs start going around.

    2. The ones that will ask you when you will marry.

    zikoko- Nigerian Aunties

    The busy body ones. And they also do well to add a mini-lecture on why marriage is good and how your time is going.

    3. The ones that become your food and drinks plug.

    zikoko- Nigerian Aunties

    And the almighty God will bless them for their selfless service.

    4. The ones that came to gather amebo facts and figures.

    zikoko- Nigerian Aunties

    These ones have been hearing and spreading all sorts about the couple so they just came to fact check and gather more amebo data. They came for the jollof too.

    5. The ones that will scatter the dance floor.

    A.k.a the life of the party. They’ve got moves and they came to prove it.

    6. The ones that came to slay.

    They have their makeup on fleek with their gele looking like something a machine tied. Their outfit also looking like they are hitting the red carpet next.

    7. Some might even dash you money

    And may the almighty God bless, keep them for us and keep helping us bump into them at parties.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

  • How To Have A Social Life In Lagos On A Budget

    Maintaining a social life can feel impossible when you live in a city as stressful as Lagos. Finding a balance between work and fun is basically an extreme sport, especially if you are on a tight budget.

    The struggle is real.

    To help you navigate this, we thought long and hard to create this list of 6 suggestions. If you no longer want to be a hermit in Lagos, only leaving your house to go to work, then this post is for you.

    1) Crash with a friend who lives close to your office:

    There’s a feeling of peace that comes with living close to your office — even if you have to squat with a friend. This way, you don’t spend most of your life in traffic, giving you more than enough time to catch up with friends.

    2) Attend free events:

    There are numerous ticket-free events in Lagos that give you a chance to mingle in a nice atmosphere. Some of these events include; Eyo festival, Fanti festival, Lagos Trade Fair, Adire festival, GTBank Food and Drinks and more.

    3) Splurge on Sundays:

    The best time to have a traffic-free and budget-friendly outing in Lagos is on a Sunday. Most people stay indoors and everything is slow-paced and serene, which gives you a chance to fully enjoy hanging with your squad.

    4) Go to parks with friends:

    Freedom Park and Jakande J Tinubu Park are some of the places to have fun with friends and family. To have a great time, just grab a book, some board games, cheap snacks, mats, sunscreen and some cash.

    5) Avoid public holiday outings:

    They are simply the worst. The malls, cinemas, parks, beaches and everything in between are often packed with people — mostly wailing children — and everything is so much more expensive.

    6) Be deliberate about parties you attend:

    It’s not every owambe you should attend, considering how expensive they can be. Having to buy an asoebi, sew new clothes, get gifts and all that jazz should guide you towards choosing the most budget-friendly parties.

  • 5 Signs You Might Be A Party Hoarder

    Owambe is the real deal in Nigeria — the ultimate Nigerian experience. Every other Saturday, the average Nigerian looks forward to attending a party.

    People tend to go to parties for three major reasons: to slay, to feel among or to eat. Amongst the people who go there to eat, there are levels and this includes the nitpick eater, the always-asking-for-more eater and then there’s the hoarder. The hoarders are a different breed. They are so different, we’ve made an entire post about them.

    These five behaviours will prove if you’re a hoarder or not:

    • When considering the outfit to wear, you always put in mind the fact that you might need to bring food back home from the party. Maybe take a bigger bag that matches that black dress? You might even take disposable plastics or nylons with you. The more the merrier. The hoarders are forever ready.
    • Feeling like a G when people at your table start complaining about how the prawns didn’t get to them. Haq haq haq. They don’t know you have the direct line to the kitchen. In fact, there are about four servings worth of prawns in your bag. The way you’ll do asepo tomorrow ehn, no be for here.
    • Getting pissed when people come back from party empty handed. What’s the essence of going nigbayen?
    • Not being able to deal with the fact that you are expected to bring some edibles or drinks when going to a party. What’s now the point? I can’t deal, is my presence not enough?
    • How you laugh so hard in your mind when you hear people referring to you as someone who never hoards food at parties. Haq haq haq. They don’t know you have the key to hoarders gate, in fact you could give them a few lessons. Like, how to be an hoarder at parties without seeming like one.
  • You’ve been to an owambe and really had fun, abi? In fact, you ordered for extra small chops and more of that jollof rice with pepper chicken and Star to wash it all down.

    Well done sah! It’s now your turn to throw your own party, and it must bang! Don’t know how? Well, shall we begin?

    Break your bank

    I’m sure you know by now that rice is not cheap in the market. And how much do you think small chops and drinks and the rest cost? You’re going to break that bank, my friend. Unless you’re not on our level… In that case, we’re sorry.

    Aso ebi

    You need to hit your friends with ridiculously overpriced clothing materials in the colours of the season, of course! Your guests must slay in uniformity.

    Hire a famous party planner

    Honestly, this one is for your own sanity. And so your owambe won’t be a complete flop because the party planner’s name alone will make people want to turn up. He who has ears…

    Even if you hire a party planner…

    You still need to personally make sure that there is an abundance of small chops and drinks. Don’t play rough play.

    Hire photographers

    Photographers o, not photographer. At least two, with someone else doing video. All the beauty and slay must live on forever on social media, in every possible angle.

    Invite the right guests

    All your five photographers will be photographing who? You must invite internet celebrities o! So your guests will have something to entertain themselves with, and your pictures will come out looking bad and bougie.

    Hire bouncers

    Gather the biggest, toughest-looking bouncers you can find, because your prestigious guests need to feel safe. If they’re bald, even better.

    Jollof rice must be on point

    If the food isn’t Snapchat and Instagram worthy, have you even served food??? May ‘jollof rice has finished’ not be your portion.

    Drinks must be plenty

    A wise man once said, “the more the alcohol flows, the better your party is.” We don’t argue with wise men.

    Hire a live band or DJ

    Or, you know… hire the two. There can’t be an abundance of good music at a party.
    And don’t forget, even if you break your bank beyond the point of recovery, your owambe will live on forever on social media! 🙂
  • “Hello funke, I’m getting married and I’d like you to be on my bridal train” What? Me? Wow! I’m honoured. I can’t stop crying, wow I’m so happy.

    That’s the first type of bridesmaid you’d find at every wedding. The extremely emotional one.

    While Funke is crying, her friend is thinking of how she will meet Prince Charming at this wedding.

    “And I’m sure her husband has fine friends o. Jehovah this is my time. This is it”

    There’s also the bride’s best friend who is also her P.A throughout this wedding. This is the person who actually gets to decide who is on the bridal train.

    She’s the assistant bride, and if she doesn’t like you. Sorry, your bridesmaid benefit is canceled.

    You know those people you can never go shopping with because they never find anything they like? Yes, you will find them on the bridal train.

    If you like pick 15 different clothes,  they would not like anyone. “This dress is too big o, no no that’s too small, but the colours are too much, lets have that one, too its too dull”

    While the other bridesmaid is being dramatic with clothes. There’s one who just observes, because she has been on her bridesmaid duty for years.

    And she knows the dress everyone picks is what you will still wear. Whether you like it or not.

    There’s the bridesmaid who has suddenly taken the wedding planners job. She is everywhere and in everything.

    Except her actual bridesmaid duty.

    This persons only mission for the wedding is to catch the bouquet. So if they throw the bouquet and this next person doesn’t catch it.

    Let’s just say things won’t end well.

    There’s the one that’s friends with every and any one because she’s not bothered about husband or wife or dress or anything.

    She just want’s to pop bottles and party.

    The last person on this list is at this position because she is always late. For everything.

    “Wait where’s Toke? She’s not here yet”

    If you have ever been a bridesmaid. And you fall under any of these categories.

    You’re a real G.
  • Whether you do it in your father’s village or it’s a destination wedding in Dubai, no Nigerian wedding can be complete if the menu doesn’t include these dishes.

    Small chops

    It’s written in the Nigerian constitution that you must serve small chops as a starter at your wedding.

    Jollof rice

    We’ve not done proper research but it might be a criminal offense not to serve Jollof rice at your wedding. In fact, it’s just unheard of. And if it’s not firewood Jollof it doesn’t count.

    Moin-moin

    What’s jollof rice without spicy leaf wrapped moin-moin to go with it?

    Fried rice

    A standard plate of Nigerian wedding food has Jollof rice on one side and Fried rice on the other. The two just compliment each other.

    Coleslaw and/or dodo to go with the rice.

    Do you expect your guests to just be eating rice and meat like that? You have to garnish the rice with either coleslaw or dodo, and if you are feeling generous you put the two.

    Ofada Rice & Ayamashe Sauce

    Jollof and fried rice are great and all but it’s when the Ofada comes out that the real party starts.

    Amala and ewedu

    This is for your guests who are ready to wash hand and lose their home training. Make sure you garnish the ewedu and gbegiri with assorted

    Pounded yam and efo riro

    Emphasis on ‘pounded’ yam, poundo yam doesn’t count. Hot and fresh pounded yam must be on your Nigerian wedding food menu.

    If you are feeling generous you can add ‘Chinese rice and sauce’ just to give your wedding some international exposure.

    For all your ajebo guests.

    Did we leave anything out?

  • Nigerian weddings are the best from the small chops to the outfits to the music, what’s not to love? Well, these ten things.

    You’ll spend 4 hours in Lagos traffic trying to get to a wedding, you get there and they tell you food has finished.

    Better bring out the small chops if you don’t want me to show my true colours

    When your primary school friend’s sister’s cousin brings a bill for Aso-Ebi for her wedding

    Where do I know you from, please?

    When you get a wedding invitation for yet another Saturday you wanted to spend in your bed

    Must you people marry sef?

    When your friend brings the Aso-Ebi bill and it’s almost the same amount as your monthly salary

    Are you trying to send me to an early grave

    When after buying 50k Aso-Ebi the person serving small chops tries to walk past you

    Do you think I’m here to play?  Abi you thought the Aso-Ebi was free?

    When they tell you that the wedding is strictly by invitation so you stroll in at 4 expecting to find a seat

    It’s first come first serve my brother

    How the bouncers block you if you make the mistake of coming without your invitation

    Ahan it’s wedding now not Escape

    When they tell you it’s a destination wedding after you’ve paid for the Aso-Ebi

    Did I tell you I have money to go to Enugu, you want me to follow you to Seychelles??!!

    When the couple tells you it’s just a small wedding so you keep it simple only for you to get to the wedding and it’s bigger than OLIC

    So you people’s plan was to disgrace me

    After buying Aso-Ebi and the souvenir doesn’t get to you

    You people had better go and bring out my own bucket

    While we are on the topic of weddings, do you think bride price is necessary?

  • The Internet went crazy for Harry and Meghan

    The royal wedding has been one of the most talked about events this year.  Not only was it just a Royal Wedding, it was Meghan Markle’s, a black woman’s wedding!
    And while the wedding was cute and all that, one thing everyone was probably asking was this; what would this wedding have looked like if it was a Nigerian one? Like, is there even a wedding if there’s no pre-wedding photoshoot?

    Just look at Meghan and Harry.

    Exhibit A: Man and woman in love, tenderly touch each other as they pose for the photo

    Now, look at our own.

    Exhibit B: Man and woman strike pose clearly illustrating what they intend to spend a lot of their time doing.

    What about bridesmaids?

    Look at this lineup. Is it really a bridal train if it can’t fill up one stadium? And can you see the colours?

    How are we not seeing people slaying in Agbada?

    Imagine all the pictures we saw of guests were Aso Ebi pictures? Just imagine Ebuka and David Beckham dragging for who rocked the Agbada better.

    How can we forget about The Unshakeable Table

    What is a Nigerian wedding without an Almighty table? The table that has all the drinks, food and small chops. Imagine Queen Elizabeth with one big bowl of Jollof Rice.

    And the bride kneeling down to greet everyone.

    Imagine Meghan walking past her mother-in-law, smiling or waving? That marriage? Cancelled.

    Everlasting photo sessions.

    Picture of couple with parents, picture of couple with ex boyfriend , picture of couple with enemies, picture of couple with dog, picture of couple with celebs, picture of couple with photographer, picture of couple with you….

    It’s My Turn.

    The main bridesmaid duty for meghan’s friends will be to meet Prince Harrys friends, because that type of blessing has to be distributed

    And who’s going to perform?

    This will be the event where wizkid and Davido finally drop a song together!

    And when it is time for marital advice?

    “and as I round up, sister Meghan, I want you to know that if your husband wants you to lick the ground you have no choice but to do it! He’s the head of the home.”

    And most importantly, an abundance of Jollof Rice.

    That everyone will still fight for because we need to keep some in the Fridge.
  • 1. Do you people know the kind of work that goes into wearing a tight gele that is lowkey trying to kill you?

    2. You people think it’s easy to be booking make-up artist every weekend? Netter be thanking girls for the employment they provide every weekend

    3. As if that expense isn’t enough, you’ll now have to buy fuel, or worse, pay cab to get to the event

    4. Then one yeye waiter will now come and say small chops has finished

    5. Or when you decide to do over-sabi and wear waist-trainer, you’ll just be looking at all the jollof you can’t eat with regret

    6. Or when they sent your heels against you, and it wants to trip you as soon as you finally lock eyes with the Yoruba demon you’ve been targeting

    7. Somebody will now say you won’t collect souvenir after all the work you’ve put in for the party

  • We know plenty of you like owambe and weddings especially.

    And Nigerian weddings are never boring!

    This Nigerian guy and his wife took the game to another level when they danced to Yemi Alade’s ‘Johnny’.

    https://twitter.com/KdubSoSolid/status/807701102040780800

    We too want to get married so we can do ‘Couple’s Choreography’ like this!

  • 8 Types Of Dancers You’ll See At Every Owambe

    1. The chair dancer

    They will never stand up, all their dancing will start and finish in the chair.

    2. The ‘point fingers’ dancer

    Their fingers do the talking dancing.

    3. The Moonwalker

    This one thinks he’s Micheal Jackson obviously.

    4. The one that is just here to shake the booty

    They will even use their bum bum to hit the wedding cake sef.

    5. The one that only dances when their favourite song comes on

    You won’t see them dance again after that.

    6. The Romeo and Juliet

    One cannot dance without the other.

    7. The old people trying to feel young

    8. The Komole dancer

  • 1. When you have to start thinking of guest list.

    This is worse than homework.

    2. When the food and drink vendors start calling all sorts of stupid prices for you.

    Do I look like Dangote?

    3. When you have to clean the whole house before the party starts so your guests don’t think you are a pig.

    Wahala on wahala on wahala.

    4. When the food vendors are late and guests are already arriving.

    It’s not me but my enemies these ones are trying to disgrace.

    5. When the DJ is playing rubbish jams and people look bored.

    Does this one know his work

    6. When someone breaks something in the house.

    Noooooo!

    7. When people start asking you for different things and you have to run up and down.

    So stressful!

    8. When uninvited guests start trooping in because they are mannerless!

    Why are you here?

    9. When your crush comes for the party but meets someone else there.

    Ah!

    10. When someone starts giving instructions like it’s their party.

    Na wa oh!

    11. When the party is over but people are refusing to leave.

    Na wa oh!

    12. When everyone has finally left and you have to clean up by yourself.

    Am I Cinderella?
  • Zikoko’s Recession-Friendly Guide To Attending Your Next Owambe

    1. If you can’t bring a friend, push the invitation away like this:

    Unless you want to pay cab money alone, then be going.

    2. Infact, cab is too far, danfo still dey there.

    If you can even drive it sef, anything to save costs.

    3. Aso ebi for what?

    With the way this Forex is set up, might as well freestyle from your own wardrobe.

    4. No need for makeup artiste, Youtube is your best friend.

    When you want your face beat, but dollar is beating you.

    5. Forget clutch, the bigger the bag, the better.

    Where else will you put all the take away?

    6. What is home training when food is involved?

    The plan is to eat enough for two days, don’t disappoint us!!!

    7. When you see they’re sharing souvenirs, this is how you attack.

    This is where your bag comes in, you can even add food join.

    8. Once you’ve acquired enough, dance like you’re earning Dangote’s salary.

    As you cannot come and go and die.
  • The Story Of The Bride That Ran Out Of Her Own Wedding
    Something interesting happened one peaceful Owambe Saturday like that and we thought to bring the amebo to you, you’re welcome!

    As we all know, the single life isn’t always fun. And that’s what made one Nigerian man slide into the DMs of a peng woman he met via Facebook.

    After seizing the bae and finding true love, they decided the next step for them was to walk down the aisle. Not bad abi?

    But on their wedding day, the unexpected happened!

    The bride ran out of their wedding venue in Eket, Akwa Ibom after finding out her groom didn’t work in Oil and Gas as he claimed.

    Unfortunately for her, she couldn’t run like Usain Bolt and people from the wedding caught up with her and dragged her to the wedding.

    So she ended up going back to the church and marrying the guy o! THE END!

    This bride was actually seen running from her wedding in Eket, but no-one knows what really happened sha. [zkk_poll post=47389 poll=content_block_standard_format_8]
  • 13 Pictures Of Food That Will Make You Miss Owambes

    1. Yummy small chops

    To hold your stomach before they bring the Jollof.

    2. Spicy ofada rice and soft dodo

    The one served in leaves only!

    3. Crunchy chin-chin for whiling away time

    In case the waiters are acting childish and still delaying your Jollof.

    4. Jollof rice garnished with orisirisi

    Because, no Jollof, no owambe!

    5. Steaming amala and ewedu

    With all the obstacles you can think of.

    6. Fried rice that’s actually green and turkey

    It’s okay to cheat on Jollof rice sometimes.

    7. ‘Chinese rice’

    Even if we don’t think this rice  is actually Chinese sha.

    8. Yam pottage and stew

    Oh my!

    9. Fluffy pounded yam and egusi soup

    The food to eat right before loosing your home training.

    10. Cake slices

    Even if the caterers share the cake like they want to carry the rest to their house.

    11. 5 Alive

    This one is for when they want to make a toast.

    12. Ice-cold bottle of malt

    To wash everything down.

    13. Shawarma

    In case you’re forming ajebutter.

  • These 12 Geles Are The Stuff Nigerian Mothers’ Owambe Dreams Are Made Of

    1. Look at this gele spread out like a perfect fan!

    So gorgeous!

    2. Madam Kofo’s geles are legendary for a reason. I mean look at this!

    If a regular gele is a standing fan, this is an air conditioner.

    3. This extremely cute gele with flower petal edges.

    Very pretty!

    4. This bow-like gele Asa wore to a wedding!

    F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

    5. This gele reminds us of the tower of Babel!

    How high can your mummy’s gele go?

    6. When the gele wearer is a friend of the bride and groom.

    Before they say someone is partial!

    7. This “ring-a-roses” gele!

    Who is in the garden?

    8. This teal gele is the class captain of geles worldwide!

    Fabulous!

    9. This patriotic fascinator – style gele!

    Very beautiful!

    10. This extra wide gele worn by the one and only Yemi Alade!

    Senior girls gele!

    11. This orange creation solely for madams and big girls!

    Imagine sitting behind this gele in church!

    12. Another avant garde gele!

    Snazzy little number!
  • The Travails Of A Lagos “Mo Gbo Mo Ya”

    So you are minding your business, scrolling through Instagram during working hours (as you do) and you see another wedding hashtag:

    Ayyyyy weekend rocks don set!

    “Ahn ahn! Is that not our former neighbours aunty’s, cousin’s brother in law’s daughter with a man?”

    Wawu! Small girl does your mother know you’re here?

    “Ah see how she’s carrying her hand as if it’s paining her. Because of engagement ring?”

    Na wa o!

    You do some more amebo to find out aso ebi colours.

    Which one is “pungent asexual turquoise” or “freckled pastel champagne” for goodness sakes! Ahn ahn?

    Then you remember your cousin has one dress you can borrow like this.

    We move!!

    That day of the wedding, you open Youtube and start copying one look your favourite vlogger created.

    #Facebeat #Yasss

    You call your neighbour to help you take “unlooking” photos.

    “I didn’t know anyone was taking my picture that’s normally how I am”

    You and your crew arrive in grand style:

    Baddest guys!

    Only to see that there is entry tag.

    God is this how it all ends? What a betrayed.

    Then you recognise one of the bouncers from a wedding you attended last week (and the week before that and 3 weeks before that).

    Look at God!

    So you greet your guy and enter the place with confidence.

    Kent stop me abeg!

    Because you don’t want to look like you don’t have home training you only eat a little … of each option on the menu.

    Balanced diet!

    Photobooth dey? Time to give them your best poses!

    #WeddingFlow #WeddingStyle #WeddingRocks #AsoEbiBella #HimHer2016 #WeddingGuest.

    Then the live band packs their load and your favourite DJ starts to do his thing.

    Gbedu time!

    You gathering all the souvenirs you’ve collected:

    “I must carry my load go.”

    Then over the next one week you upload different pictures from the same event till the next weekend when you can do it all again.

    Because every day for the guest, one day for the wedded.
  • 13 Images That Perfectly Describe Nigerian Caterers At Owambes

    1. When they change their menu for their fancy client.

    This one pass your power.

    2. When they tell you they don’t do small chops.

    3. How they listen to you tell them to come early when they know they damn well won’t:

    You will wait.

    4. When you see their bill for the first time.

    I’m dead.

    5. When the guests are not even having it.

    Is it aso-ebi they will eat?

    6. When you no longer trust your caterers to share the food well.

    No time.

    7. How they look at guests that come back for more food:

    Better leave this place.

    8. When someone tries to “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” for them.

    They don’t care oh!

    9. Nigerian caterers and “meat has finished”.

    ALL THE TIME!

    10. When they serve you strong meat and you’re wearing white.

    Is it fair?

    11. When you taste their puff puff and it’s actually not soggy.

    It’s a miracle.

    12. When you make eye contact with the caterer stealing centrepieces during the event.

    “Wetin you dey look?”

    13. When you see the caterer that told you food has finished carrying packs home.

    Is it like that?
  • 13 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Attended An Owambe Uninvited

    1. When you’re going to do Mogbo Moya but you still dress like parent of the celebrant.

    Mogbo Moya = “I hear, I branch”

    2. You, calling the person that told you about the party when you see bouncers at the gate.

    Where is this one?

    3. When you find out that the person that told you to come was not even invited.

    “It’s actually the bride’s tailor’s neighbor that told me about the party.”

    4. How the guests look at you when you enter and you’re not wearing the dress code:

    No vex!

    5. When you realize you actually don’t know anyone at the event.

    Who sent me message?

    6. When people start using style to ask you which of the celebrants you know.

    Uhm *coughs* Actually…

    7. When they ask you to “please move” to the back and you have to carry all your shame and go.

    Is this my life?

    8. How the people sharing food look at you when you try to call them:

    Jisos!

    9. When the owambe is not even sweet but you remember you don’t have the right to complain.

    Let me just shut up.

    10. When they finish serving food to the real guests and give you bottom pot rice without meat.

    Hay God! I’ve now turned to dog.

    11. You, when they ask the friends of the celebrant to come and take pictures.

    Don’t look at me.

    12. When it’s now time to dance and you still do more than the people they actually invited.

    All this gbedu cannot waste.

    13. When all the souvenirs they are sharing are just passing you by.

    Chei! It’s not your fault sha.
  • 12 Pictures That Prove Nigerian Parties Have Zero Competition
    If you’ve ever attend a Nigerian party, you’ll know how extravagant, amusing and flamboyant they can be! Here are 12 pictures that prove that no one else can throw a party like Nigerians can!

    1. The divine taste of party jollof rice, small chops and assorted meat.

    My stomach has found its soulmate and it’s Nigerian party food.

    2. When everybody dresses like they are on their way to meet the president of Nigeria.

    We must dress for inauguration, Oscars, Grammys, AMVCAs and MAMAs all in one night!

    3. And some Nigerians will come ready to out-dress the host.

    Sister, iz okay. Your own will come soon.

    4. How everyone turns up when their favourite Nigerian banger comes on.

    Once you hear “Sarz on the beat” or “It’s Young Jon the Wicked Producer”! It is lit!!

    5. When they bring out the talking drums and the band starts to hail you.

    Let it rain!

    6. And if it’s your own party, you know you’re about to make some moneyyyy!

    Plix, I only take dollars at this time. Tenks.

    7. How some people will be arguing over party pack.

    Ahn ahn… all because of party pack?

    8. And those people that will be hiding food in Nylon bag!

    Yes we know the food is delicious but NYLON!!? Upon all the Hermes bag you’ve been carrying!

    9. And we absolutely love to have a photoshoot for every party we throw.

    Just passed your first year in university? Photo shoot. Promotion at work? Photo shoot. Getting married? Pre-wedding shoot of course!

    10. And even at your graduation party, you can get Nigerian celebs to come through, perform and slay lives.

    Whether A-list, B-list, C-list or No-list at all, every photo-op is necessary.

    11. Only Nigerians can have a themed-party for a wedding.

    Amusement park meets wedding.

    12. And if you are single and attending a Nigerian party, you just might get seized!

    Soon you’ll be throwing your own Nigerian party that has Zero Competition!  Don’t forget to serve Orijin Zero!
  • How To Attend And Enjoy An Owambe Party Properly
    Have you ever attended an owambe and felt you did not enjoy it? You probably did a couple things wrong! But don’t worry we made a list on how to boss an owambe properly and thank us later.

    1. Pick your outfit two months before

    You sure do not want to have to do this too late. Picking the right outfit for an owambe is a vital key. This is where you choose to go with either the aso ebi or go neutral.

    2. Get your Aso-ebi and give your tailor two months before

    Another synonym for undependable is nigerian tailors. Give them two months in advance and pay for express. You sure don’t want to be the odd one out on that day when everyone is dressed in the “uniform”. Don’t be the different person.

    3. Make sure you arrive slightly late

    Relax on your punctuality standards for this day. You want to arrive roughly sixty minutes after the event has started. Everyone has to see you make an entrance with your squad.

    4. Get the attention of the praise singers

    You know those talking drummers outside? Give them about N500 and make them drum behind you till you get to the entrance. What a grand entry. Now you’ve been noticed by the guests, servers and maybe celebrant.

    5. Never forget your IV

    You get to the entrance. Never leave your IV at home. If it’s a strictly by IV owambe you will want to put it inside your cap or your handbag two days before. What’s the point of it all if you can’t get in?

    6. Choose a seat close to the middle

    Research shows that, the servers are always instructed to start serving from the middle. Why? Because that is where the closest relatives are seated close to the podium and celebrant. You get served among the first people with the best food and drinks.

    7. Tip one of the waiters

    Once you spot a waiter that is “shining eyes”, tip one of them and this will guarantee a constant flow of food, drinks and anything that is served during the event. Everyone has a price.

    8. Ensure people see you greeting the celebrant/main focus

    You sure do want to appear in the official photos, and let everyone know you didn’t beg for an invite or force your way in. Make sure people see you laughing with the celebrant(s). More cool points added or photo for an Instagram post.

    9. Never take malted drinks first

    Number one rule: never do this. You drink a malted or carbonated drink and you get filled up with gas. It’s the caterers trick so you don’t eat too much. Drink water instead save enough space for the food.

    10. Don’t take photos of your food please

    Please, don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t go looking like a nuisance raising your phone to take a food photo at a party. It drops a huge chunk in cool points. Is it your first time, eh?

    11. Don’t sit down when its time to dance

    This is one of the fun parts at an owambe. When the Dj starts dropping those fire tunes, make sure you bring your shoki, shakiti and favorite dance steps from wherever and drop them. Tip: Have a few drinks first for maximum fun.

    12. Never leave early

    It is standard, the party really does start at the time when it says it will end on the IV. That is when the dance floor gets heated, the remaining food gets put out and the best drinks emerge. You don’t want to miss this part for anything!
  • QUIZ: Can We Guess Who You Are at an Owambe?

    Are you the uninvited mogbo moya or you’re the person who just came to eat party Jollof rice and go home? This quiz knows which one you are.