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  • What to Do When Your Middle Name Is “Onigbese”

    As a chronic, unapologetic onigbese, does shame not visit you?

    We’ve told everyone, your partner and debtees, what to do when you refuse to pay back your debts. Obviously, that hasn’t worked, so sit down and let us advise YOU on what to do when you’ve been stung by the bug of onigbese-ism.

    Break coconut on your head

    You’ve refused to pay back the money you owe, so obviously, you have a coconut head. We suggest you go head to head with an actual coconut and hope the impact will reset your brain and nerve endings, and you’ll do what’s right.

    PS: If you land in the hospital and you call our name, we’ll deny you like newly elected politicians deny their wicked godfathers.

    Wash your head with coconut water

    After the much-needed factory reset, this’ll cleanse you of all rubbish behaviour, like holding on to people’s hard-earned money simply because you can.

    Print “onigbese” on a t-shirt and make it your uniform

    Since you can’t stop kidnapping people’s money, buy a plain T-shirt, print “I’m an onigbese” on it, and wear it around town. That way, people already know you can’t be trusted, and the next time people want to get into business with you or you ask for a loan, they’ll know what they’re getting into and flee.

    Find shame

    It’s public knowledge that you can’t shame the shameless, and there’s no one as shameless as an onigbese. But please, find shame so when people start dragging your name and everything you hold dear through the mud, you can feel it and finally pay them.

    Beg for forgiveness 

    Make a list of all the people you owe and how much you owe them, and go on an apology tour. Just make sure you take their money with you before they drag you to Kirikiri for wasting their time.

    Beg the police to arrest you

    Take yourself to the nearest police station and beg them to put you in handcuffs and drag you into a cell. If you’re in the cell, you won’t see the people you’re currently owing money or anyone new to owe. And hopefully, when you come out, the fear of all you endured in the cell will lead you down the right path, one that isn’t filled with debt, shame and embarrassment.

    Disappear

    We know you. You’re probably not going to do anything we’ve said. Just pack your bags, leave the country, make sure you lay low for the rest of your life and tell your children to get ready to break generational curses. This is because the people you’re owing will swear for you, and at least one will work.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • What To Do When Your Partner Is An Onigbese

    Granted, the Nigerian government owes a shit-ton of people a shit-ton of money. Your employers probably also owe you at work, but none of this compares to the feeling of living, copulating, and doing life with a renowned onigbese that owes everybody around them money. 

    It’ll be okay, though; we know exactly how you should handle it.

    Collect your money small small

    Congratulations to you, you fell in love and became a payment plan. Sometimes, the only way to deal with the shame and pay the people your partner owes is by tricking the love of your life, taking their money, and paying their debt little by little.

    Report them to their olubawi

    What do you do after your partner has been dragged on the internet, your good name has been tarnished, and someone’s begged you to beg your partner to pay them for the fifth time in a row? Take the matter to their family house and table it there. You’re not the first person to fall in love. But if the olubawi and your partner share the same brain cell, then our sincere apologies because nothing will change.

    Shame them

    Anyone who owes another person has no shame. But for your sake, we hope shaming them works and your LOML feels motivated enough to pay their debt. 

    Get a savings account

    This savings account won’t be taking you away from poverty, but from the shame, disgrace, and ridicule you got yourself into when you decide to fall in love with a chronic onigbese.  Why? you’ll need the money in there to pay off some,if not all, of their debt.

    READ: How To Collect Your Money From an Onigbese

    Embrace sapa with all your heart

    You? Have money? God forbid. As far as your sugar plum is concerned, you’re now 

    perpetually resting in the arms of negative account balances and zero funds.

    Leave them

    Everyone and their daddy can be owing you outside, but you deserve to have a little peace in your house. So, if you can, we suggest you leave your partner before they stop staining your white and fully drag you into the mud.

    Become two onigbeses in a pod

    If you can’t beat them, you join them. This way, you and the love of your life can become an onigbese couple: Loved by none and shamed by many.

    Now that you and your partner in debt have decided to make a career out of this, we also know How To Be The Perfect Onigbese in Nigeria

    Chioma Munachi

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  • If You’ve Ever Encountered an Onigbese, You’ll Relate to These Experiences

    Someone begs you for money. Next thing you know, you’re begging them to return it. Wild. These 7 Nigerians share their worst experience with onigbeses. 

    “He used my money to do wedding” — Val

    Around the end of 2022, I decided to start my fitness journey. That plan included getting a gym instructor. Tell me why this instructor decided to ask me for ₦20k. I hadn’t even trained with him for up to a month, so I wasn’t sure I could trust him, but I gave him ₦10k because he claimed his mum was sick. The following week, I started calling him, but he didn’t pick up. Then I heard rumours at the gym that the silly guy took money from different people for his big wedding. Nothing was even wrong with his mum. I’m now scared of gym instructors; the guy has scarred me. 

    “She asked for more money after three months” — Doyin* 

    There’s this former colleague of mine. We weren’t exactly friends, but we used to talk now and then. She texted me one day to ask for ₦20k and said she had to take care of some important stuff. We agreed she’d pay back in two weeks, but when the time came, I didn’t hear a word from her. I texted her two days after, and she sent a voice note apologising and even asked for my account number. One week later, still nothing. She started to claim network issues. After two weeks, she finally sent ₦10k. Then, she sent ₦5k the week later. I never got the remaining ₦5k because she said someone who was owing her would send it to me, and I got tired of chasing her. 

    Can you imagine three months later, she came to ask for ₦50k? Must be ment. 

    “He took my money and disappeared” — Foyo*

    I had this friend who I’d known for a few months. He texted me on Instagram sometime in August 2017 to ask for ₦5k. I can’t remember the payment arrangement, but I know he practically disappeared. I tried to call and text, but he wasn’t responding. By October, when I texted him on IG requesting my money, he said he was disappointed I’d just sprung it up on him. He stopped replying my messages, and we never spoke again. I later found out that was his thing. I no longer lend people money because I can’t fight. 

    RELATED: 15 Signs That Onigbese Is Never Returning Your Money 

    “He started asking why I decided to give him money” — Jima

    In 2017, I gave a friend ₦10k for his final project. I was still in school then, so it was out of my allowance. When the time came for him to pay back, he started speaking in parables, saying things along the lines of “who sent me to give him money?” We were in different universities, so I couldn’t drag him by his trousers to pay. 

    Precious, wherever you are, know that God will judge you.

    “He asked me to return a jersey he gave me” — Linda

    My friend texted me that he needed me to send ₦10k to someone; he’d maxed out his account transaction limit and was going to repay me the next day. I kept calling, but he kept posting me. From September, the next time he texted me was February. He asked me for my account number and sent ₦4k. I didn’t even say anything. 

    After about a year, he followed me on IG again and posted about how he couldn’t wait for God to bless him so he could bless others. I replied saying he should be sure to send my ₦6k when it happens. Can you believe he said I have a bitter heart and was trying to act smart, but I was a thief? He asked me to return the jersey he gave me three years ago if I wanted my money. 

    “She started giving me one-worded responses” — Chi

    When I was going on my industrial training, I decided to sell my hostel bed space. A friend of mine offered to buy it for ₦20k, and I agreed. We had mutual friends, I didn’t think it’d be a problem. But the first month came with no money, and the same thing happened in the second month. After pestering her, she sent me ₦5k on the third month. I continued to text her, but she wouldn’t reply. If she managed to respond, it’d be with one word. I got tired of dragging her eventually. 

    “She could afford to buy clothes and change her hair, but not to pay me” — Timi*

    In my first year of university, I lent a close friend of mine the ₦18k I was supposed to use to register for a compulsory course. She needed to pay some dues or so and promised to repay a week after. But when the week came, she said she didn’t have it. For weeks, she kept coming up with new excuses, even though she could afford to buy new clothes and change her hair. She eventually paid on the day of my exam. Luckily, I’d saved enough to pay for the registration in time.

    *Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    You need this: How To Collect Your Money From An Onigbese

    Meyimi O.

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  • #BorrowBorrow: How Much Does Nigeria Really Owe?

    Nigeria is currently in a lot of debt and Nigerians are stressed out — with good reason.

    A recent cause for this stress is the news that President Muhammadu Buhari has asked the National Assembly to approve his plan to borrow over $4 billion and €710 million from international organisations to finance projects in the 2021 budget. 

    The President also asked the National Assembly to allow him to seek $125 million in grants for special projects.

    Buhari practically said:

    The new loan request is coming just four months after the President requested that the National Assembly approve his plan to borrow over $8.3 billion and €490 million from various international organizations. This request was approved.

    In March 2021, the National Assembly also approved the President’s plan to borrow $22.7 billion for “infrastructure development”.

    But Exactly How Much Is Nigeria Owing?

    You may want to sit down for this next part. As of March 31, 2021, Nigeria’s total public debt stood at over $87.2 billion which is about ₦33.1 trillion.

    Of that debt, $43.5 billion is to be paid by the federal government while the state governments and the Federal Capital Territory owe $10.8 billion.

    At the time, Nigeria also owed a total of $32.8 billion or ₦12.4 trillion foreign debts while we owed $54.3 billion or ₦20.6 trillion domestic debts.

    Be honest, this is what you thought when you saw what “we” owed:

    These numbers are just from March and they don’t include the recent May and September loan requests by the Federal Government or any of the new loan plans by the 36 state governments. The foreign exchange rate was also different at the time of calculation.

    Who Is Nigeria Owing?

    As of March 31, 2021, these are the people Nigeria owes abroad:

    • International Monetary Fund – $3.44 billion
    • International Development Association – $11.09 billion 
    • International Bank for Reconstruction and Development – $410 million
    • African Development Bank – $1.59 billion
    • African Growing Together Fund – $210,000 
    • African Development Fund – $942 million
    • Arab Bank for Economic Development in Africa – $5.88 million
    • European Development Fund – $51.3 million
    • Islamic Development Fund – $29.7 million
    • International Fund for Agricultural Development – $223 million
    • Exim Bank of China – $3.4 billion
    • Agence Française Development – $486 million
    • Japan International Cooperation Agency – $74.6 million
    • Exim Bank of India – $34.5 million
    • Kreditanstalt Fur Wiederaufbau – $183.7 million
    • Eurobonds – $10.3 billion
    • Diaspora Fund – $300 million
    • Promissory notes – $179.5 million

    Nigeria owes a total foreign debt of $32.8 billion as of March 31, 2021.

    Nigeria Can Pay This Money Back, Right??

    Borrowing money is not a bad idea if you can pay it back. But Nigeria is currently swimming in so much debt, and it is not making enough money to justify taking on more debts.

    This year alone, Nigeria will be paying back ₦3.12 trillion in debts. On top of that, Nigeria plans to borrow another ₦5.6 trillion.

    These debts are unsustainable because the government wants to spend ₦13.5 trillion yet Nigeria plans to make only ₦7.99 trillion, and we have not made more money since the ₦10 trillion we made in 2014.

    South Africa, for instance, wants to spend R2 trillion in 2021, but the country makes R1.36 and will be borrowing R689 trillion. South Africa will also be paying back debts of R232 billion, but it has a very good tax system that can help it to generate revenues easily.

    Economists say that Nigeria’s “debt to GDP ratio” (that is Nigeria’s total debt compared to Nigeria’s total productivity) currently stands at about 32% and apparently, that is still low and in line with the World Bank’s recommendations.

    But economists also agree that Nigeria’s “debt to revenue ratio” (that is Nigeria’s total debt compared to how much Nigeria actually makes) is becoming a concern. 

    Nigeria must reduce its debts and start making more money if it does not want to be caught in a debt trap.

    Doyin Olagunju

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  • How To Collect Your Money From An Onigbese

    Do you have someone owing you money and they have refused to pay? They may also be dodging your calls and flexing on social media? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures so follow this guide to collect your money from all the onigbeses in your life.

    Hint: An onigbese is someone who’s owning your money.

    1) Take their matter to the mountain

    Have you never heard of praying for your enemies? Sometimes, you need to take their full name to the church and pray.

    2) Pretend to be a delivery person

    When the onigbese in question starts avoiding your calls and is always “out”, you need to get a new number and pretend to be a delivery person. Tell them that anon has paid for something and they need to collect it. On the day of the delivery, bundle them. Sometimes, you need to show people they call you “Scorpion” on the streets.

    3) Print wanted posters.

    Take one of their pictures and caption it “Wanted, debtor. If found, please return.” Include your social media handle. Some people only know how to respond to disgrace.

    4) If they are Christians, give testimony in their church

    If you know the church they attend, this is perfect. The Sunday they are in church, agree to give a testimony. Say that you had a dream where the Lord revealed to you that all your debtors who have refused to pay before a certain period of time will fall down and die. After you give the testimony, leave the church. The Onigbese involved will be the one to contact you.

    5) Put them up for sale

    Please, you won’t actually sell them, but you will advertise them. By the time they see their face circulating all over Instagram and Twitter as “Debtor for sale”, they will pay. Quickly.

    6) Drag them like small generator

    No pity, no remorse. Just be casting them every day on social media. You can even create an account called “countdown till x pays me back my money”. The problem is that some of these people do not have an iota of shame.

    7) Collect a loan and use them as a guarantor

    Collect a loan equals to the amount they owe you from a notorious loan shark, and use them as your guarantor. Then, travel out of the country. The loan shark will find them and collect their money back.

    8) Fake your death and haunt them

    Pretend to die, and ask your family to try collecting the money on your behalf. If the onigbese in question still does not agree, then it is time to wear white cloth, rub dusting powder and haunt them. Go to their house, call their name three times, and ask them to pay you back or they die. Sometimes, you need to instil fear into their hearts. Just make sure the debtor does not see you coming down from an okada on your way to haunt them.

    If any of these work and you eventually collect your money, please donate some to us. Thank you

    QUIZ: ARE YOU AN ONIGBESE

    Click here to find out if you ate the Onigbese people are coming for

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • QUIZ: Are You An Onigbese?

    There are humans who see a loan as their birthright and do not feel the need to ever pay back. They will beg and cry for a loan but will pull a “Is that why you’re calling me?” when you want your money back. They are popularly known as Onigbese and are the absolute worst. Take this quiz to find out if you are an Onigbese.

    Recommended: What Holiday Are You?

    Eris Ekanem

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  • 15 Signs That Onigbese Is Never Returning Your Money

    Never lend a Nigerian an amount that would kill you to part with, because no one has ‘Onigbese’ written on their head. So, to help you move on, here are 15 signs that you are never seeing that money again.

    1. When you call to ask for your money and they’re like:

    Hay God! On top my own money?

    2. When they completely stop updating on social media.

    If you like delete all your accounts.

    3. When they start using God to swear.

    Don’t let God punish you.

    4. Onigbeses and “I didn’t see your missed call”

    Ode, how will you see?

    5. When they start acting brand new.

    You call them and they’ll be like, “Is there a problem?”

    6. When they always find a way to imply that they’re broke when they see you.

    Na so.

    7. When they ask if they can pay you in installments.

    5k now, 3k later, 2k on your death bed.

    8. When you message them on WhatsApp and they leave you on:

    See my life.

    9. When you ask them if they saw your message.

    Don’t let me swear for you.

    10. When they start telling you about money that will soon enter their account.

    I’ve heard you.

    11. Whenever they see you in public.

    See this one.

    12. When they start telling you about their family problems.

    Is that what I asked you?

    13. When they text you an epistle everytime you remind them about the money.

    Is this one mad?

    14. When they start reminding you of all the things they’ve done for you in the past.

    “Remember that time I bought you Tampico in JSS 2.”

    15. When they finally block you everywhere.

    Somebody wants to die.

    NerdEfiko

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  • The 3 Best Ways To Collect Your Money From Debtors

    Translation: Debtor

    Most of us have had debtors at some point in life. They show up, borrow money, and payback. No hassle. However, a simple debtor becomes an onigbese when they show up, borrow money, and then seemingly vanish into thin air when the time comes to payback. Their phone numbers are suddenly unreachable and they never read or return your messages, even though you can SEE their online activity.

    Today, we’re here to help you with three ways you can get your money back (when you’re actually able to find and hold them down).

    1) Sent straight to your bank account:

    Because you still feel some pity for them and don’t expect them to walk about with large amounts of cash. The moment you find and hold them down, make them transfer the money to your account right then. Don’t let them leave until you’re sure you have it.

    2) In cash:

    Yes, they’ve proven to be less than reputable. But the fact is, you can’t hold them forever if the money doesn’t enter your account within the next 10 – 20 minutes. To avoid stories that touch (the money NEVER entering), tell them to pay their debt in cash. How they pull it off is not your concern.

    3) In your Paga account:

    You haven’t heard? Paga – Nigeria’s No 1 mobile money company – just launched their new mobile app, and one of the new features added is the ability to request money from anyone by giving them your customizable just-paga-me link.

    A few other new features added to the mobile app are:

    • A user having the ability to transfer money to any phone number or email address for free.
    • Buy airtime and pay bills.
    • Deposit money in the bank.

    The app is available for free in the Google and Apple play store.

    Click here download and register on the app.

    Astor George

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  • Odunlade is easily the current reigning meme king in the whole of Nigeria. And these thirteen memes of him are ridiculously apt for every situation in your life.

    When your landlord sends you a letter that he’s increasing your rent next year.

    But salary hasn’t increased for the past three years.

    When you finally run into that Onigbese that has been owing you money for the past five years.

    One day for the owner.

    When someone wakes you up just as you are about to enter the sweet part of your sleep.

    This had better be a life or death situation.

    When it’s 5:05 pm on a Friday and your boss asks you if you would mind staying an extra hour to help with something.

    How you look at your haters when you are flourishing in life.

    All weapons fashioned against me shall not prosper.

    When you’ve been waiting for the puff puff to be ready for an hour and the person in front of you buys everything on the tray.

    The heart of man is wicked.

    How the bouncers look at you when you show up at an invite only owambe without your I.V.

    Oga please just respect yourself and go back.

    The side eye your mum gives you when you are doing something foolish.

    There’s no need for her to talk

    When you are sleeping but hear your mum come in and remember you didn’t sweep the place she told you to sweep.

    You better find a way to sweep it in 2.5 seconds.

    How you carry your shoulder up during salary week.

    When you know you won’t soak garri or cook indomie for at least one week.

    When you buy food, only to get home and realize that the person selling it forgot to put your meat.

    You bought three meat and assorted and they didn’t put anyone.

    When you don’t know the answers to all the compulsory questions in an exam.

    So what am I supposed to write now? These are just our favourite Odunlade memes. What are yours?

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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  • A Politician Just Joined Twitter And Nigerians Threw Him The Perfect Trolling Party
    Controversial politician and businessman, Jimoh Ibrahim, recently joined Twitter but Nigerians didn’t receive him well. Apparently, he’s trying to contest during the forthcoming governorship elections in Ondo state, only months after his assets were seized by AMCON over a N50 billion debt.

    When he opened his account, nobody seemed to care at first, Nigerians on Twitter were just minding their business.

    But instead of him to form fake deep like the rest of his mates, he just started tweeting essays on his political ambitions, just like that.

    https://twitter.com/JimohIbrahimOFR/status/761548930131853313

    And when he started promising to not owe worker’s salaries like the present administration does..

    Nigerians came for him with receipts.

    Instead of him to face his work and stop being an onigbese.

    But how can an Onigbese successfully rule a state?

    He tried to clapback but failed woefuly.

    Maybe he’s just trying to pay off his gbese.

    When you open Twitter with your name but Nigerians choose to give you a special nickname.

    Perhaps he shares some similarities with Donald Trump.

    https://twitter.com/LaitanLasisi/status/762566369997193216

    When he couldn’t take it any more, he started complaining about the trolling.

    https://twitter.com/JimohIbrahimOFR/status/762361466582425601

    Eh ya! He never knew Nigerians on Twitter don’t have home training.

    He has kuku joined bad gang…

    Don’t mind all of them Mr Jimoh, we at Zikoko have small home training and are not like the children of anger on Twitter.

    Maryam

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  • How To Be The Perfect Onigbese In Nigeria

    1. When you want to borrow the money, be as humble as possible.

    In fact, if you have to fall in love with them to get the money, do it.

    2. Thank them well even when you have no intention of giving them the money back.

    But they don’t know that.

    3. For the first few days (or weeks) after borrowing the money, stay loyal.

    You gotta make them feel comfortable.

    4. When they ask you when you plan to return the money, never be straightforward.

    If you’re in love it’s perfect. They won’t ask.

    5. When they ask you for collateral for this money.

    Give nothing!

    Now to the hiding:

    6. Make your Instagram account private.

    Do not let them see you flexing.

    7. If they’re on your Twitter timeline, you can’t tweet or even ‘lol’ at tweets.

    Just save your fire tweets as drafts and ask God for help to gather the money.

    8. When your phone is ringing and it’s them, do not pick.

    Like, don’t touch the phone.

    9. After a while, pick up and tell them your phone fell in the toilet or that you’ve been sick.

    That scores you sympathy points or you can just say “I didn’t see your missed call”.

    10. When they start shouting for their money, get angry too.

    “Is it because of ordinary 45 million naira?”

    11. If they catch you at a lit hangout, tell them your rich friend sponsored you.

    Before they start thinking you have money.

    12. When they don’t believe, ask if you can pay in installments.

    1 million naira now, 44 million in 50 years.

    13. But you already know it’s safer to avoid lit hangouts and just follow them online.

    Sorry, but na you owe money.

    14. When you see them walking towards you in public.

    Run! Or hide.

    15. If you think you might never pay them back, block them across the digital universe.

    Just hope they don’t know your house!

    16. Or die.

    That way you win. You never have to pay.

    Odunayo

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