Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 Office | Zikoko!
If you’ve searched for love in all other places in the world, but the Lord revealed to you that the office is where you’ll find it, congratulations. However, to prevent you from finding love but losing your source of money, here are some ways to handle office romance without getting caught
Make sure you’re in different departments
Why will you date a team member? Do you want problems for yourself? If they don’t do their work, it’s you they’ll call to help. It’s giving secondary school.
Don’t wear their clothes to the office
You might think your coworkers won’t notice, but they will. Stick to your own clothes, and if the two of you mistakenly own the same clothes, unown it.
No pet names
Better stick to their government name throughout the duration of the relationship. If not, you’ll accidentally call them “baby” at the office, and then what?
Have a side thing so people don’t suspect
Talk about your other partner all the time. That way, people won’t suspect you and your coworker have a thing.
Do nothing together
Even if you plan to leave the office together, enter separate Ubers to a location where you can switch to the same ride. And make sure the two of you don’t arrive together to company parties or events.
Don’t talk about your dates on social media
It’s the easiest way for people to piece that you hang out outside the office. Even if they don’t realise you’re dating, they’ll have their eyes on you.
Deny everything
If all else fails, and you get caught, deny everything. Lie today, lie tomorrow, lie forever more.
The year is coming to an end, but your company doesn’t look like they plan on ending the work year. Well, since they’ve decided to choose violence, we have some ideas on how to get them to close by force.
DISCLAIMER: If you end up unemployed, Zikoko didn’t send you message. Abeg.
Kidnap your CEO
Obviously everyone in the company will spend their time and resources looking for him. The company will have to close by force. If they still prove stubborn, demand that his release is conditional on the fact that they close down for Christmas.
Buy padlock and lock everyone out
Arrive earlier than everyone else in the company and change the padlock. Go back home then resume at the normal time. Now, pretend to be shocked that they’re locked out.
Change the social media password
Change the password of all the social media accounts and start posting rubbish. They’ll think they’ve been hacked and will be forced to close. You can even use the social media account to air their smelling behaviour for all to see.
Find something scandalous about HR, and threaten to leak the secret if they don’t force y’all to close for the holidays. Better set up your camera and start stalking HR 24/7.
Sue for emotional damages
Choosing to make you work at the end of the year is damaging to your mental and physical health. If they don’t close, you’d have to take them to court. Even if they win the case, do they really want to waste money on legal fees? They’ll close for their pockets, and you’ll get to relax for the holidays.
Disconnect the power grid
If you work from an office, what you need to do is disconnect their power supply. No power = no work. The math is simple.
Sell the company
When there’s no company remaining, nothing stops the management from not only closing for the holidays but forever and ever. You might become poor, but at least, you’ll be home for the holidays.
Times are hard and things are expensive. That’s why you should ask your boss for a raise. If they then refuse to give you, here are swift actions to take:
1) Steal their printers
Man must chop one way or the other. If your coworkers need to print anything, they should use the closest cyber cafe to them. Let them do their part in supporting black businesses.
2) Carry their AirConditioner
As they’ve decided to stop your soft life, you should stop their own. Only offices that increase salary should have AC.
3) Steal their generator
Since they don’t want you to be able to afford fuel, they too shouldn’t have light. You can decide to use the generator for yourself or you can even sell it.
While they’re trying to get everyone back online, nobody is working. That way, the hours you work will be balanced out by what they’ve decided to keep paying you.
5) Use your CEO’s signature to take out a loan
That money, you will collect it one way or the other. The loan is a long journey, but you’ve sha gotten your money.
6) Sell the office building
Since we’ve all decided to work remotely, your office won’t need their building anymore. Sell the building and add the money to your salary.
Don’t they know that you were just asking for the salary increase to test them? You don’t need their salary increase. Now you have to buy the company to prove that you’re better than them. Maybe after you buy it, you can give yourself the salary increase.
8) Reduce the CEO’s salary
Since they want you to continue living on peanuts, then you should bring them down to that level as well. Let them see how their own soup tastes.
Coronavirus has made Zoom meetings the new normal. It’s a complete change from physical meetings where everything you do is open to public scrutiny. Zoom meetings give you the liberty to do anyhow. And yes, people actually do anyhow.
1. Those ones who always come late.
If it was a physical meeting, one might blame the latecoming on traffic. But it’s online and how can hold-up still catch you? Anyway, I’m on this table, so let me not expose myself too much. May God input in us the power of speed. Amen church?
2. Those whose network is never good.
Hello, can you hear me now? No, it’s breaking. Your voice is low. I can hear you. Hello? Hello? You know what, I’ll just type.
3. The people who always forget to turn on or turn off their mic.
These ones eh. Once they join the meeting like this, they either forget to turn off their mic or turn it on. The turning off part is more common though. So while you’re there planning important things, you can hear every sound they make in their tiny corner of the universe.
4. Those who forget they are sharing their screen and go on to expose themselves.
Because that’s how they will switch to WhatsApp for web, forgetting that the whole office is witnessing their yansh being exposed.
5. The ones who leave the meeting and return every five seconds only to finally leave and never return.
Tunmise Ajayi joined the meeting. Tunmise Ajayi left the meeting. Tunmise Ajayi joined the meeting. Tunmise Ajayi left the meeting. Tunmise Ajayi joi—look, stay in one place.
6. The ones who leave you people to be talking while they go about their life.
Once they say their part of the matter, they just mute their mic and go on with their lives. Some of them will even go off to bed. This life.
7. Those who carry on an entire conversation in the chatbox.
Lewl. Chatterboxes. Even while a meeting is going on, they are holding their own anterior meeting in the comments section.
8. The ones who will not even attend.
Another missed meeting. They will make up for it another time.
We already told you all you need to know to be the ‘perfect’ Nigerian wife, now we want to tell you how to be the ‘perfect’ female co-worker in Nigeria. Here’s how to make all the misogynists in your office happy:
1. Make hot tea for everybody the moment you get to work.
What else do you think you are there for?
2. You must greet all the men in the office before you sit down.
Go into their offices and kneel down. They don’t have to greet you back though.
3. Regardless of what they hired you to do, you are now the office secretary.
Take all the messages for your colleagues. They shouldn’t even have to ask you.
4. Make sure your car is not bigger than that of any of your male colleagues.
You don’t want to intimidate them at all.
5. If you’re not a “Mrs”, keep your opinions to yourself.
You’re single? Why are you now talking?
6. When your male colleague cracks a sexist joke, laugh the loudest.
The misogyny should not pain you.
7. If your colleague makes a mistake, keep quiet. He probably has your type at home.
Why are you correcting a man? Will you keep kwayet.
8. Don’t order lunch with your colleagues because you should have cooked from home.
You’re even supposed to cook for the whole office.
9. If your colleagues start giving you unsolicited advice, take it with a smile.
Marriage advice? Hair advice? Dress advice? Just smile and listen.
10. Make sure your heels are not higher than anyone else’s in the office.
You’re not there for fashion show. The uglier the better.
11. If you’re not married, don’t leave work early. Where do you know you’re going?
Who are you going home to see? Sit down there jor.
12. Make sure all the men have finished talking during a meeting before you add your mouth.
If not, just wait patiently.
13. When your colleague is sexually inappropriate with you, say “sorry” for tempting them.
Your skirt must have been too tight. Don’t do it again.
14. Remember that as long as you’re a spinster, your colleagues can call you a “girl”.
If you want to officially be a “woman” go and marry oh.
15. If your male colleague repeats exactly what you just said and gets all the credit, don’t complain.
In every Nigerian office, there are a bunch of varying characters, and one of the moments that their differences are truly heightened is when it’s time for lunch. From the ones that only eat snacks to the ones that are street food connoisseur, here are the types of co-workers you see during lunch break.
1. The ones that bring food from home
These ones are the most frustratingly responsible people in the entire office. Once it’s time for lunch, and everyone else is scrambling to find food, they just calmly bring out the meal they smartly prepared at home and pop it right into the microwave.
2. The ones that only eat snacks
You’ve worked with the snackers for many months, but you’ve never seen them eat anything that didn’t come out of a can or sachet. All they seem to know is Pure Bliss and Coke, and even worse: They can eat all that trash without ever gaining weight.
3. The ones that only eat street food
These are the ones that seem to have their stomachs lined with steel. They only ever eat food from the dingiest places they can find. While they swear it tastes great, you know that if you ever join them, it’s food poisoning that will kill you there.
4. The ones that order alone
These ones are the lone rangers of the office. They usually just find a place that they like and order alone. They also always seem to find the most expensive possible joints, almost like they are trying to ensure that no one ever joins them.
5. The ones that behave like vultures
The office vultures never seem content with just eating what they bought. They must taste a little out of everyone else’s food, right from the snacker down to the ones who brought food from home. They are also unable to take “No” for an answer.
6. The ones that always vanish
The vanishers always find a way to disappear once it’s time for lunch, and no one has any idea where they go. Whenever people try to ask, they just give a really vague answer. For all you know, they could be leaving to go eat human flesh.
7. The ones that are probably undead
These are the co-workers that are most likely zombies. Since you’ve been working with them, you’ve never seen them eat ANYTHING. While others are chowing down during lunch, they spend that time either gisting or just continuing with work.
The Group
In every office, there are a bunch of co-workers that band together to order food as a team. Within this group, there are three people you are likely to come across.
8. The one that serves as the project manager
This is the most efficient member of the group. Once it’s time for lunch, they ask everyone what they want, place the orders, collect the money and ensure that everyone gets what they asked for. They are rarely this efficient when it comes to their actual work sha.
9. The one that serves as the timekeeper
This could also be the job of the group’s project manager, but in most cases, the timekeeper is a completely different person. They are the ones that spend most of the morning waiting for lunch, and as soon as it’s time, they are very quick to let everyone know.
10. The one that always wants their complete change
These are the most annoying members of the group because, after the food finally arrives, they hold everyone hostage until their change is complete. They’d rather die than let anyone run away with their N10 – the one they always swear they need for later.
If you’ve ever had a boss or been employed, even for a day, chances are that you have had one too many meetings in your short lifetime. Many of them, irrelevant and unnecessarily long. The sound of the word “meeting” probably irritates you because they’re just gatherings where people sit and say a lot of things, then leave without really achieving anything. Sometimes, you don’t even know the reason for the meeting, you just know that you had to be there because someone said so.
Here’s a list of reasons people call for meetings.
To Schedule A Meeting
Believe it or not, some people call for meetings just so that they can discuss what will be discussed in the next meeting. It seems crazy. But it happens.
When your boss calls for a meeting on Friday evening to schedule a meeting for Monday morning
To Review A Meeting
I’ve seen too many employers do this one. You should try it if you’re an employer: when you’re bored and it feels like your employees are watching Netflix with the office WiFi, send a mail to everyone to meet in the conference room in 20 minutes to review what was discussed in the previous meeting even though it has no relevance
To Introduce An Employee
Tell everyone to stop what they’re doing and come for a meeting ASAP because they need to meet the new employee. It’s great for his character.
To Say A Sentence
My friend had to drive 2 hours to an “urgent” meeting just for the guy to tell her “Yes I just wanted to tell you that my boss has approved the project to go underway. Have a nice day.” True Story.
Having a 9 to 5 is not easy. But for some people, the hardest part about it is just having to show up in the office. If you are one of those people, I’m pretty sure you can relate to these.
When your office has a dress code and you have to wear tie and shoe to work.
When you just want to be naked in bed.
This is you on Monday mornings.
So you mean this weekend is over?
Then you enter the office and that coworker you don’t like is the first person you see.
You just know it’s going to be a bad day.
When it turns out the Monday is actually a public holiday.
The Lord is good all the time and all the time the Lord is good.
Having to make by force small talk with your coworkers during lunch.
You mean your sister’s cousin’s daughter just turned 1? Please tell me more?
Going to the ‘toilet’ ten times a day just so you can get out of the office .
Sometimes you just stand outside and stare into space.
When your office has an open floor plan so you have zero privacy.
You won’t be able to play your candy crush in peace any small thing you’ll be looking over your shoulder.
When it’s almost 5 but you still have a lot of work to do.
Your enemies want to keep you in the office till 7 but they won’t succeed.
How you start packing up your things once it’s 4:50 pm.
By 5 you’ll already be on your way home.
When your boss tells you to come in on a weekend.
Come in where, please?
When you can’t take it anymore and you lie that you are sick just to get a day off.
“Sorry ma, I can’t make it to work today I’ve been vomiting blood since last night”
When you have an opportunity to leave the office early and your coworkers start asking where you are going to.
You people won’t kill me, please.
When your birthday falls on a work day.
Your coworkers will now start asking you for cake as if they kept cake with you.
Job hunting in Nigerian is an extreme sport and for you to survive you must be well equipped. Your most important weapon is your C.V. and we are here to help you make it the best it can be.
Every little detail you put in it counts. Because that extra little detail that may or may not be true can change your life.
You know your CV is incredible when you highlight the fact that you are a self motivated individual who can work without supervision.
True or false, it must be there o.
Even if you don’t consider yourself a young dynamic individual, you must add it too.
It doesn’t matter if you are 45, just add it. You are young at heart.
If the only thing you know how to use a computer to do is play Solitare, you must add that you are computer literate.
“Okay ma, but I have one question, what do they use PowerPoint for?”
After putting that you are proficient with Microsoft Word you also have to add that you are proficient with Microsoft Excel.
“Yes, ma, I’m excellent with Excel, I almost studied it in school sef. “
What of your skill set? You can’t leave it out. We know they are many but you must add everything.
Plus the ones you are still aspiring to have. Add them.
Next is the number of languages you speak. If you only have English on your C.V. then you are not ready for life.
German, French, Yoruba, Chinese, Hausa, Spanish, Ibibio put all of them. The only thing you know in French is ‘Bonjour’? still, add it.
Employers also want to know what your talents are. If you didn’t finish with a first class or 2.1, this is your time to shine.
My talents include but are not limited to multitasking, leadership, working hard, efficiency and so on and so forth.
You must also add the fact that you work well under pressure. Even if the office is on fire you won’t leave your desk, your work comes before your life.
I can handle anything and anyone anywhere at anytime.
When it comes to handling people, you are an expert at it. You are a people person, in fact people have told you to run for president.
I also have the right team spirit. Me alone I have team spirit for the whole team.
What of work experience? let them know that you are 22 years old and you have 12 years experience. True story, you’ve been working since you were 10.
In fact, I might even be overqualified for this role, I just want to help you, people, out.
And finally attach a cover letter to your C.V. saying ‘It would be nice for you to consider my Résumé and hire me’.
Whether you work in a small office or a big corporation, you’re definitely going to meet all sorts of people. Here are 10 types of people you probably have in your office right now!
1. Early birds/night owls
You know, those people that are always the first in and last out. The ones that’ll have you wondering if there is someone chasing them from their houses. You’re making the rest of us look bad, uncle!
2. Perpetual latecomers
Loool those ones that can’t be on time to work unless by a divine act of God. They are usually the most creative people because they have to come up with a new lie every day.
3. Style icons
These ones don’t come to play; they come to slay. Our colleagues that even on casual Fridays wear three-piece suits and six-inch heels with full makeup. You’ll just be looking at them and thinking “you have power o…”
4. Always sleepy
These ones are always ‘offline’. Small quiet like this, or if the boss steps out, they’re already making their way to dreamland. It’s an amazing something.
5. Chatterboxes
The ones that if you mistakenly even look their way, they will start talking about any and everything. Just shoot me!
6. Forever cold
Even if it’s 80 degrees outside, there is always that one colleague that is always cold. Always. Any small thing “please put off the AC now. You want to kill somebody?”
7. Office gossip
The way these ones are always gathering and spilling tea, you just have to wonder how they get anything done. You’ll even start to fear them because their powers are too great for you to comprehend.
8. Salespeople
Then we have the salespeople. The ones who have great entrepreneurial spirits and are always selling one thing or the other. They’ll try to sell every useless trinket, and try to pressure or guilt you into buying. No, bro.
9. Assistant boss
These are the guys that once given a little responsibility, let it get to their head and they start feeling like the boss. If I slap you ehn, your swollen head will reduce.
10. Ghost worker
Now, these ones are the people that if you see them in your office, you wonder if there’s a new employee, even though they’ve been working there for 3 years. They’re so quiet and reserved, they’re pretty much invisible. Ghosts.
