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Nigerian politician | Zikoko!

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  • Zikoko’s Guide to Becoming a Typical Nigerian Politician

    So you’ve decided you’re tired of being a regular citizen and want to go into politics. Read this guide, go forth and prosper.

    Start by being an activist

    Insult politicians 24/7, on every platform you can think of. Make it known that you’d rather chew sand than become one of them.  

    But have exactly zero plans for the country

    What’s your business with the issues the country is facing? You have your own personal issues, so that’s none of your business.

    Once you’re popular, secure an appointment with the same people you’ve been shading

    You can always tell the people you’re trying to change things from the inside this time around. Even though you know the only thing that’ll change is the size of your pocket.

    Prepare your three-letter acronym

    What will people call you? You want something that’s sweet to pronounce and can easily be remembered. So what’s it going to be? GTB? CNN? Just make sure you arrange the letters well, so you don’t end up with ODE.

    Be good with words (or lies)

    It’s not good enough to just tell lies, you need to believe your own lies too. So if anyone wakes you at 2 a.m. to ask a question, you’d give the same devious answer you gave on TV during the day.

    Find a godfather

    You think you can do this thing without a sponsor? Find a godfather and become his apprentice.

    Run for office

    Start with the senate so you can collect enough money to last you forever, in case you don’t win another election.

    Remember to make promises you can’t keep

    If you have transferable skills from your days as a Yoruba demon or Lagos babe, use them here. 

    Hire a music band

    People will insult you anyway, so why not hire a band to sing your praises everywhere you go?

    Steal

    What’s the point of your entire political career if you don’t do this?

    NEXT READ: Nigerians Should Stop Doing These Weird Things for Politicians

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • QUIZ: If You Can Identify 10/13 Of These Politicians, You Should Move Into Aso Rock

    If you kill this quiz, start heading to Aso Rock because you belong there.

    Let’s go:

    Miriam Onyemenam

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  • The Ridiculousness That Is Femi-Fani Kayode

    Nigerian lawyer, former minister and politician Femi Fani-Kayode has not ceased to be in the news and on the internet.

    He is famous for his sharp unsolicited opinion on national issues and outrageous articles and Facebook posts. Here are the ridiculous things he has said in the media.

    1. When he attacked Rotimi Amaechi on his Facebook page.

    https://www.facebook.com/femifanikayode/posts/10202589555849544

    2. When he posted a tribalist article about the Igbo people on the internet.

    He went as far as accusing the Igbo people of carrying out the first coup plot in Nigeria

    3. When he accused President Buhari of funding Boko Haram.

    Awww! He blessed God before he started talking, what a godly man!

    4. He even posted on Facebook that a suicide bomber shouted “Sai Buhari” before detonating his bomb vest.

    He edited the statement after his comments box received serious heat from Nigerians.

    5. The threats he made when Chief Olu Falae was abducted.

    He blamed the Federal Government for the kidnap and made threats of serious consequences if plans to release the elder were not made.

    6. When he said “Is it a Buhari?”

    LOL! Fire on, sir!

    7. When he accused the US government of aiding Boko Haram.

    Wow!

    8. When he tried to stir up trouble after the ministerial appointments of late 2015.

    In his usual manner of posting lengthy articles that made eyes roll, he attempted to open old wounds after the ministerial list dropped in September 2015.

    9. He believes Nigeria is built on a Satanic foundation.

    In his opinion, Lord Lugard and Lady Shaw were satanists and worshippers of Lucifer.

    10. This very deep quote he shared on Twitter.

    Amen!

    11. He believes some people might be insane.

    12. Oh! And another threat from the fearless FFK

    13. He followed the threat up with another long article to further explain his threats and accusations.

    He even advocated against marginalisation of Igbo people. Very brilliant! But he hasn’t taken down his tribalist article of 2015 sha.

    Maryam

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  • The Complete Guide To Being A Nigerian Politician
    If you’re affiliated with any Nigerian politician, please don’t read this. Got it? No? Fine. No one listens to me anyway.

    1. Prepare your 3-name abbreviation.

    https://twitter.com/markessien/status/663413757687824385
    If you don’t have, what will we call you? BMB, GMB/PMB, GEJ, DAM, BRF…should I go on? Just hope your initials don’t read like this: Olusola Desmond Elliot.

    2. Find an (evil) godfather to sponsor you.

    See, most people don’t know that this is the secret. You heard it here first.

    3. Run for Senate.

    Even if your godfather is strong enough to make you a governor straight away, run for senate after.

    4. Don’t forget your glo up. Or upgrade challenge. Your choice really.

    And not just in your culture.

    5. Be selectively literate.

    Be smart on some issues, then be totally misguided about other really important issues.

    6. Always, ALWAYS make promises you cannot possibly keep.

    This isn’t really your fault, Nigerians just don’t learn!

    7. Get your social media wailing wailers.

    These wailing wailers also serve as ‘attack lions’ against your detractors. Think of them as social media bouncers.

    8. Have an arch rival.

    Even if it’s the entire Nigerian Twitter like Ben Murray Bruce.

    9. Switch political parties. More than once. Maybe even back and forth.

    Be ready to switch allegiances at the slightest whiff of weakness or danger. Be selfish. It’s about you!

    10. EFCC has to arrest you. At least once.

    Fraud allegations don’t ruin you in Nigeria. They make you. In fact, that’s your initiation into the upper ranks of the national thieves.

    11. Always have an illness that will carry you abroad* when you’re caught stealing.

    The illness is usually undisclosed, but if your condition is critical, pick a terminal illness. *Abroad: A country with no extradition. This is not a drill.

    12. Steal. Lie. Rinse*. Repeat.

    This is the crowning jewel of the Nigerian politician. Seriously. You need to master this process. Don’t steal too much; or too little. Do it just right. 1. Steal. 2. Say You Didn’t steal. 3. *Rinse: To become politically born again. Especially when you switch political parties. 4. Repeat 1 – 3.

    13. Distribute the wealth to other politicians. You need accomplices.

    You definitely do NOT want to go down alone. So keep meticulous records of the partakers.

    14. Repeat 12 & 13.

    Odunayo

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