Nigerian Homes | Zikoko!

1. When you misbehave anywhere else:

When you misbehave in a Nigerian home:

How will they now ground someone they don’t even allow to go out?
2. The washing machine anywhere else:

The washing machine in a Nigerian home:

Your clothes oh, your parents’ clothes oh, your neighbour’s clothes sef, all join. You will wash.
3. When your parents see you resting anywhere else:

When your parents see you resting in a Nigerian home:

What have you done that you are resting?
4. The dishwasher everywhere else:

The dishwasher in a Nigerian home:

That big pot on the stove is sha your worst enemy.
5. Saturday mornings anywhere else:

Saturday mornings in a Nigerian home:

You will clean the house till it’s time to go to church the next day.
6. The car wash everywhere else:

The car wash in a Nigerian home:

You will wash under the car join.
7. Before you go to bed anywhere else:

Before you go to bed in a Nigerian home:

Bedtime stories ke? Read your bible and sleep biko.
8. The TV remote anywhere else:

The TV remote in a Nigerian home:

Which one is remote when you are there to change channel.
9. How your parents wake you up for school anywhere else:

How your parents wake you up for school in a Nigerian home:

Better wear your uniform and be going to school.
10. The vacuum cleaner anywhere else:

The vacuum cleaner in a Nigerian home:

Oya go and carry that broom and packer.

Daniel Orubo

August 5, 2016

Oldies

America, growing up, Nigerian Homes, Nigerian parents, Nigeris, parents abroad
Fulfilling your dream or doing what you want in a Nigerian home is like eliminating corruption in Nigeria. It’s kind of impossible for the most. We made a list of all the challenges you can ever face on this path.
1. When you decide what you want to be finally

And it’s not in line with what your parents have decided for you.
2. But then you want to be different

You decide it is time to be bold and stand up for yourself
3. So you have to strategize on how to talk to and approach your parents

Should I tell Uncle Kola or Aunty Chioma to go with me?
4. But your uncles and aunties are not having it

“It’s not me and you, go and meet your father and tell him yourself”.
5. So you summon courage and gather liver

But your liver is kind of shaky and you aren’t sure.
6. First roadblock – “are you okay upstairs?”

The worst happens. Your father has disagreed.
7. Your mother says “your father is the one paying your school fees go and meet him”

Oh God! And she decides to stand by your father’s decision.
8. So your mother decides to be extra and take your matter up

Because she feels you are becoming rebellious and carrying shoulders up.
9. So Pastor David calls you for a four-hour counselling session

What is all this please?
10. Aunty Biodun, Uncle Emeka, the elders and the youth leader also follow up with counselling

All these counselling committees on top ordinary career change
11. But that’s not the end

There’s still more to come.
12. You decide to be independent, save up money and send yourself abroad for school

I believe I can do this. I will do this and surprise all of you.
13. But… the economy and getting a job

What a waste, how will I even save?
14. The Dollar rate is like $1 to N1,000

https://twitter.com/officialdaddymo/status/687769908684394496
Zero hope.
15. To top it off, the greatest enemy

You thought you would have it easy, they were waiting for you.
16. So you have to be humble and tell everyone you are sorry

Now it’s time to be whatever your family wants you to be. Sad!

Tobi Smith

May 21, 2016

Oldies

Career choice, life choices, Nigerian Homes
Sometimes, you may not be in the best moods to entertain visitors. To make matters worse, they come and start misbehaving. You are just there praying to God to hold your mouth and hands. If you have ever been in this situation you will understand these.
1. When someone comes visiting with a travelling bag

Hello, excuse me what’s all this? Visit not vacation!
2. When they come and start asking for the most random things

It seems something is wrong with you today.
3. “Why didn’t you arrange your house”

Is it your house? Is it your arrange? Leave me please.
4. When they start making food demands like asking for pounded yam

Because this is your family restaurant?
5. Guests that only show up when they know you are cooking

You are such an unfortunate fellow but you won’t hear it from my mouth.
6. When a guest changes the DSTV channel to Africa Magic Yoruba

Are you okay at all? On my own money for subscription.
7. And then proceed to state they prefer fresh fish

The people that are doing you are dead.
8. When visitors want to scold you or encourage your parents to scold you

Oshey minister of scolding, carry your wahala and go. Oversabi.
9. And they expect you to cater to their needs and entertain them

What do you think I look like?
10. When a visitor says”can I have that drink you gave me the other time”

Ths one wants to turn me to bar man. Can you please not.
11. When a guest boldly says “won’t you turn on the gen?”

As costly as fuel is? Not today Satan.
12. When guests start thinking being a guest = special rights

So you want me to serve you and clear the plates and wash them? Please use your brain.
13. When guests begin to feel too comfortable and at home

Excuse me sir, I pay the rent here.
14. Or someone starts heading to your fridge or cupboard

Where do you think you are going?
15. When a guest starts invading your room and closet

Heyss don’t be stupid my friend respect yourself.
16. When they want takeaway because the food was sweet

If you don’t get out from here before I open my eyes.
17. And sometimes when they begin to overstay their welcome

See, we have burial in the village come and be going please.

Tobi Smith

January 28, 2016

Oldies

Guests, Nigerian Homes, Visitors