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  • 7 Stages of Going Through a Breakup in Your Parents’ House

    So you just got served breakfast while living in your parents’ house. To you, the world is ending and you’re losing your mind. But to your parents, they can’t understand why you haven’t cooked for everyone in the house on a Saturday morning. 

    These are all the stages of going through a breakup in your parent’s house.

    You’re still in shock

    You’re in the denial phase so it seems like everything is normal. But that’s just the calm before the storm.

    We know You're going through a breakup

    You start to break down but still keep a straight face

    It eventually hits you that you’ve been dumped and suddenly you want to cry. But you can’t, because how do you explain that it’s love that’s doing you like this?

    You're going through a breakup

    You start acting out on everyone

    This is even worse if you have younger siblings because it’s Kunle that broke your heart, but you’re screaming at 11-year-old Joshua who just wants some help with his homework. Poor child.

    This is how You're going through a breakup

    Someone notices and asks you what’s wrong

    You say it’s nothing, and when they push too far, you ask them to mind their business. You’re not wrong sha because nobody sent you to fall in love.

    You're going through a breakup

    You’re finally ready to cry but you have to run errands first

    You finally get some alone time to let it all out, but as you start shedding tears, mummy calls you to go and buy fuel.

    No one knows you're going through a breakup

    You suddenly fall sick

    How won’t this happen after two intense weeks of pent-up pain while running too many errands? Your parents think it’s malaria that’s dealing with you but you know it’s your immune system trying to purge all the feelings you caught from your body.

    You're going through a breakup

    You recover after a few days and you’re ready to get your heart broken again

    Because you have coconut head, and you no dey hear word. Two weeks from now, you’ll be in another talking stage.

    You're going through a breakup

    NEXT READ: How Will a Nigerian Mum React to Asake’s Mr Money With the Vibe album?

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • QUIZ: Can You Identify 9/13 Of These Household Items From Their Logos?

    You probably see these household items every day. Do you think your memory is sharp enough to recognize them?

    Take the quiz:

    Let’s start easy

    Petroleum jelly

    Pen, shaving stick, etc.

    It should be taken hot

    Body lotion

    Electric iron

    Liquid soap

    This one is easy

    Could be condensed or evaporated

    Removes 99.9% of germs

    Detergent

    Sweetner

    Bonus question

    Miriam Onyemenam

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  • QUIZ: Only Nigerians With Home Training Can Get To The End Of This Quiz

    You’re meeting your partner’s parents for the first time at a family lunch. Make it to the end of this quiz to prove you have home training.

    You’re told to show up at 2pm. When do you get there?

    Tuntamilore

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  • 6 Advantages Of Being The Disappointment In A Nigerian Home

    Regardless of what your Nigerian parents have said to you, we are here to let you know that you made the right choice by choosing to be the family disappointment. 

    Here are some advantages of the role:

    1. No one asks you for money

    Who wants to ask the disappointment for money and end up looking like an even bigger disappointment? No one. They also assume you never even have money, meaning you never have to share with broke family members.

    2. You aren’t sent on silly errands

    You have disappointed them so much in the past, so they expect you to disappoint them again. No one wants to go through the stress of fixing your errors, so they always send someone else or just do it themselves. So, you can continue watching Netflix.

    3. You have all the time in the world to yourself

    No one is ever in your business, since they have all given up on you. That allows you to spend your days doing whatever you like. If no one’s nose is in your business, your shit is free to smell.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Your parents make a big deal of your small achievements

    Any minor positive thing you do will be a big deal to your parents. You only carried over 4 courses instead of your usual 6? Congrats. They are throwing you a party. When the bar they set for you is in hell, it doesn’t take much to impress them. 

    5. You can pursue your dream job 

    When your siblings are pursuing boring and generic jobs, you can pursue your dream of being a drug dealer, amateur DJ or cultural dancer. They will just be happy to see you doing something with your life.

    6. No one complains about what you do

    Since no one longer cares about what you do with your life, you don’t have to explain your choices to them. They will sigh and grumble, but that’s the most reaction you will get out of them. So, go forth and scatter everything.

    Ibukun

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  • QUIZ: If You Get Less Than 15/22, You Grew Up In A Fake Nigerian Home

    There are a few staples that defined a true Nigerian home when we were growing up — from the soup-filled icecream container to the trusty Philips iron. How many did your home have?

    Go ahead:

    Pick all the things you had in your house while growing up:

    11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry 

    Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

    NerdEfiko

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  • 6 Stages of Getting A Tattoo In A Nigerian Home

    If you live in a Nigerian home, you know that getting a tattoo is rough play. Nigerian parents are very dramatic when it comes to things like that. Your Nigerian father would constantly shake his head in disappointment every time he sees you while your Nigerian mother will scream and say you’ve killed her the first time she sees the tattoo.

    There are several stages your mind goes through when you consider getting a tattoo in a Nigerian home.

    1. Denial

    “I can’t even try it. My parents will finish me.” But you continue thinking about it.

    hollywood divas no GIF by TV One

    2. Deliberation

    But then you consider how good it looks on people and how good it would look on you.

    3. Negotiation

    Next to begin considering getting a very small on somewhere you can hide it. Just a tiny one.

    4. Decision

    You’ve suddenly decided that you’re going to get one. Your mind is set. Nobody can change it. You must get that tattoo.

    Young casual black man wearing sunglasses frowning face in displeasure, keeps arms folded. | Premium Photo

    5. Reconsideration

    You’re now at the tattoo shop but common sense has suddenly returned to you. You think about how your mother is going to scream when she sees it. But it’s too late. The tattoo artist has already taken his pen from the basket of love.

    6. Acceptance

    The ink looks great. You’re proud of it. The deed is done. No going back. You reassure yourself: we go run am. 

    Read: All The Emotions You Felt When You Bought Condoms For

    Man Like – A series about men, for men, by men. Every Sunday by 12PM.

    Olufemi Fadahunsi

  • QUIZ: Get 9/13 To Prove You Grew Up In A Real Nigerian Home

    Sometimes, it feels like every single Nigerian lived the exact same life. This is why everyone who grew up in a real Nigerian home should find this quiz very easy.

    Give it a try:

    QUIZ: Only People Who Speak Fluent ‘Nigerian Parent’ Can Get 10/13

    Do you know what “Put it on my head” means? Take the quiz.

    NerdEfiko

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  • 13 Things That Feel Illegal In A Nigerian Home

    There are a few things you can do in a Nigerian home that, while not technically illegal, definitely feel like they are. A few people shared examples that you’ll definitely relate to if you grew up with Nigerian parents.

    Here are 13 of the most apt:

    1. This cardinal sin:

    2. “Pressing phone…”

    https://twitter.com/ifedayo_03/status/1262866698786537475?s=20

    3. Somebody, call the police.

    4. This unnecessary combination:

    https://twitter.com/thismidey/status/1262705814386741248?s=20

    5. How dare you?

    6. See this smuggler:

    7. Why aren’t you doing anything?

    8. This ungodly move:

    9. After all they’ve done for you?

    10. Doing any of these to your body:

    https://twitter.com/ayoooodeji/status/1262913751201783808?s=20

    11. What do you want to use it for?

    12. Daring to use this:

    https://twitter.com/Sadcastic2/status/1262845566754738182?s=20

    13. “I’m full.”

    NerdEfiko

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  • In a Nigerian home, there’s a very fine line between being a child and being an adult. 21 might be the official legal age for most things like voting or drinking but if you think that’s when you come of age then you are a joker. To prevent your parents from calling a family meeting on your head, here’s how you really know you’ve come of age in a Nigerian home.

    When your mum starts putting two pieces of meat on your rice.

    Is this me

    When they ask for your opinion during a family meeting.

    You mean you want my opinion??

    When you are still out at 7pm and your mother hasn’t called you ten times

    I don’t understand what’s happening right now

    When they start using style to ask you if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

    Is this a trick question?

    When your parents stop sending you pocket money just because you got one small job like that

    Am I not your child again?

    When they start asking you what you are still doing in their house.

    Is it not our house again?

    When they bring NEPA bill and your parents ask how much you are going to contribute

    But when did this one start?

    When your mum starts asking you for grandchildren

    Please ma stop this rough play

    When you can go out without dropping 5 working days notice

    Ehn sho mo age mi

    When during family prayer your parents only prayer point for you is to get married and leave their house.

    When did this one start?

    When you tell your parents you have a boyfriend and they reply ‘Thank God o!’

    Is it that serious?

    But the surest way to know you’ve come of age is when they give you signs you’re ready to become a parent. Are you ready to have a child? Watch this video to find out what Nigerians have to say about parenthood.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

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  • 1. The eba stick that doubles as a weapon:

    Your mother’s favourite.

    2. The iron sponge that is always on the brink of death:

    Your only friend when washing that evil pot.

    3. The Nylon bag full of even more nylon bags:

    For what? Only God knows.

    4. The only seasoning that matters:

    More important than water sef.

    5. The bowl every visitor uses to wash their hand before they eat:

    Because God forbid they enter the kitchen to wash their hands.

    6. The almighty microwave cover:

    Nigerian mothers swore it would prevent cancer.

    7. That bowl with a wedding or burial sticker:

    If not for Owambes would Nigerians even have kitchen utensils?

    8. That handle-less pot that is “older than you”:

    You mother had the pot before she had you. Show it respect.

    9. The eva bottle filled with palm oil:

    The realest oil ever made.

    10. The infinite number of unwashable plastic containers:

    That stain will NEVER go out.

    11. Those plastic covers with their matching bowls nowhere in sight:

    Always more covers than actual bowls.

    12. The blender that smells like pepper no matter how much you wash it:

    Can even try and blend anything else without tasting pepper.

    13. The morning fresh that is more water than actual morning fresh:

    It always lasts longer than it has any right to.

    14. The ice-cream bowl full of disappointment:

    It will never not hurt,

    15. The “there is rice at home” bag of rice:

    How rice is not on the Nigerian flag is beyond us.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 1. When your mother gives you that ‘let us get home first’ side-eye in public

    That side-eye is dangerous oh, better start the begging!

    2. When you get home and the first thing you hear is ‘oya just kneel down there’

    You’ll just meet your parents with cane chilling for you on the floor.

    3. That ‘mogbe’ moment when you’re dodging your mom’s uppercut, but she thinks you’re challenging her

    ‘Please, I was just protecting myself, I don’t want to kill you, ah!’

    4. Or you get back home and you hear: ‘just go back to wherever you’re coming from’ izz all over

    This one is just the worst.

    5. When you just finish showing your junior one who senior pass, and you meet them in your parents room like:

    You already know they’ve finished downloading the beating to your parents plus fisi.

    6. When you’re arguing with your parents and you hear: ‘okay, just wait for me’

    Please I don’t want to oh!!

    7. When you forget who the real oga at the top is, and think you can get home anytime you want

    ‘So my house is Quilox that you can be entering around 11 abi?’

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • 14 Things That Would Never Happen In Any African Home

    1. When your mother sees you resting and lets you be.

    https://twitter.com/chidimma_rita/status/744634407739228161?lang=en

    2. When your mother actually gives you a straight answer.

    3. When your father gets the remote by himself.

    https://twitter.com/VixenKouture/status/744645076048056320

    4. When your parents support your non-medical profession.

    5. When there’s no ‘African time’ at play.

    https://twitter.com/l0velystephey_/status/744667899483152386

    6. When your parents actually do a chore by themselves.

    7. When you don’t have to wash plates.

    https://twitter.com/callmeminxiemay/status/744625285220417536

    8. When the oyinbo teacher actually gets your name right.

    https://twitter.com/Allison__OG/status/744655741047345152

    9. When the girl vomiting in the Nollywood movie just has malaria.

    10. When your parents don’t shout at the top of their lungs.

    https://twitter.com/tribe_zuzu/status/744689868706570240

    11. When the person you parents call your aunty is actually your aunty.

    12. When your parents actually like the person you’re dating.

    https://twitter.com/callmeminxiemay/status/744626838727757826

    13. When your parents don’t think your left hand is of the devil.

    14. When your parents don’t compare you to your classmate with 2 heads.

    This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:

    The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 13 Things You’ll Find In Every Nigerian Bathroom

    1. The real bathroom in a Nigerian home:

    The bathroom begins and ends inside that bucket.

    2. Those colourful sponges that look like net singlet:

    Everyone in the house has a different colour.

    3. That local sponge that looks like bird nest:

    To wash away your sins.

    4. The bathroom slippers that your mother has used to stone you.

    This is where their marksmanship shines.

    5. A million toothbrushes when there are just 4 people in the house:

    Nigerians don’t know how to throw away toothbrush.

    6. All the toothpastes we have unofficially named ‘Closeup’:

    They are all ‘Closeup’. Go and argue in your house.

    7. The toothpaste no one wants to accept has finished:

    It must not waste.

    8. The floor rag that is just a retired towel:

    Your mother will kill you if you don’t take it out to dry after every bath.

    9. That heater that hasn’t worked in years:

    Why are you even there?

    10. When you see this, you know the most annoying chore is about to go down.

    Ugh! The worst.

    11. That container filled with water, just in case:

    Can’t trust the tap in a Nigerian house.

    12. The soaps we all grew up with:

    The smell of Tura was the worst.

    13. The bathing soap Nigerians have turned into washing soap.

    Has anyone actually used it to bath?

    Daniel Orubo

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