Nigerian Girlfriend

First of all, it’s hard to surprise a Nigerian woman because we know everything. But if you really want to plan something your Nigerian girlfriend would love and might actually catch her unaware, these tips will help.

Tell her you’re planning a surprise for someone else

Remember what I said about women knowing everything? She’ll definitely know something is up when you start making quiet phone calls and guarding your phone. You don’t want to wake the investigative journalist in her, so just tell her without telling her.

Avoid her

Of course, now, she might want all the details of the surprise you’re planning for someone else. You can’t keep that up, so the best bet is to avoid her. Just don’t do it for too long, or she might enter another relationship before you pull off the surprise.

Tell her friends at least a week before the party

Don’t worry, they won’t ruin the surprise. You need them to make sure she’s all dressed up and baddie-fied for the event. Trust me, no one wants to walk into a surprise with six-week-old braids.

Make sure she doesn’t eat that day

That’s where her friends come in. You want her to have space for all the food at the party. This one should be easy because many Nigerian women have a problem deciding what to eat anyway.

Say your ex will be present at the party

Just tell her your ex will be present at this random party, and watch your babe literally dress to kill. Or fight you and dump your ass. What’s life without a little risk?

Go all out on the decor

Because she’ll need to take pictures for the gram. I know they say it’s the little things that count, but this one doesn’t fall under the little things. The venue has to be lit.

Invite all her frienemies… then spray her money

You know what’s better than sending your Nigerian girlfriend money? It’s giving her money in the presence of all her enemies. They need to know her man is an odogwu. If this is the only thing you get right with the surprise, you’ve done more than enough.

Or propose

Only do this in front of a big-ass crowd when you’re sure she wants to marry you sha. Because why choose to embarrass her like that in front of everyone?

NEXT READ: It’s an Honour for Women to Steal Your Clothes. Here’s Why

Tife Oni

July 21, 2023

Her, Ships

girlfriend, Nigerian Girlfriend, Nigerians, relationships, surprise party
Before you marry that babe, please check if these signs are manifesting in her life. May you not wed an agbero.

1. If she opens beer with her teeth.

Sign number one that she is a confirmed agbero.

2. If she can remove her wig anywhere.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

And you think she will be ashamed of anything? When God was sharing shame in heaven, she was asleep.

3. If they are always dragging her on Twitter.

Her mouth dinnor use to stay in one place. One day you will marry her and she will facilitate unnecessary beating for you with her troublemaking mouth.

4. She always collects her change from conductors and traders.

LMAO this one will never forgive you. Even if she says she has heard, she will always find a way to do her own back.

5. If she can tear Shaki meat from stew with her eyes opened.

Ah. Tuale Mama. You better watch your ways around her before you find yourself inside cult.

6. She can start a Tiger generator on her own.

This one will make you feel useless oh. A woman who can start a generator on her own. How will you brag that you’re the head of the home?

7. She can remove spark plug on her own.

What if she wakes up one day and decides to become a mechanic? You don’t want to take that risk.

8. She can change from NEPA to Gen without the television going off.

She has superpowers. If you check it well, she fit dey fly for midnight.

9. She sabi connect wire.

One day you will piss her off and she will disconnect all your wires and sell them off. A babe like Hauwa, that’s who you want to marry?

10. She is known in more than 3 bukas.

This one will never cook for you. You’ll return from work and she’ll gather you and the children to the nearest buka and order two wraps of amala each for everyone.

11. Area boys hail her when she passes.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

Watch her well. She is an Area Mama. You date her, you are in trouble. You don’t date her, you are in trouble still.

12. She can kill a goat.

But you sef. Have women finished on the earth that you now want to go after a woman who can kill a goat? A whole goat oh. Toh. God keep you oh.

13. She always wears leggings under her gown.

Ah, that one is always prepared to fight oh. Mrs. Undertaker. You better run. Her mates that wear ordinary tights, do they have two heads?

14. She can finish two shawarmas in one sitting.

And you are not afraid of her?

15. She cannot draw her own eyebrows.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

How will she know how to do it when she spends all her time being a tout? You better free that babe.

QUIZ: How Much Of A Tout Are You?

Kunle Ologunro

March 17, 2021

Inside Life

dating, Humour, Nigerian Girlfriend
Nigerian babes believe in diversifying their hearts to allow for multiple streams of affection. How do you know if your girlfriend is doing that? If she does any of these suspiciously romantic things, you have your proof that she is cheating.

1. When she does something wrong and actually apologises.

She used all her energy to argue with her side piece. She is cheating.

2. When she decides to treat you to a fancy date.

She’s feeling guilty about something. Don’t fall for that.

3. When she tells you about a new restaurant to try out.

How did she discover the place if not through her side piece? She is definitely cheating.

4. When she buys you random, thoughtful gifts.

She’s trying to blind you with affection. Guy, wake up.

5. When she comes back from an outing and starts loving up on you.

It’s leftover horniness from cheating on you.

6. When she offers to cook for you.

What woman offers to cook for a man if not that she is feeling guilty for cheating?

7. When you complain about being broke and she credits your account.

She is overcompensating for something. That babe is cheating.

8. When you meet her best friends and they are all girls.

She’s hiding the man. That babe is cheating on you.

9. When her friends act nice to you.

They are definitely covering up for her. She is cheating.

10. When she posts you on social media.

She is using that one to get your guard down. Dig deep, you’ll see that she is cheating.

11. When she calls you affectionate pet names.

She doesn’t want to accidentally call you the wrong name. That woman is definitely cheating.

12. When she tries something new in bed with you.

Her side nigga taught her that. She is cheating.

13. When she tells you her phone passcode.

She has cleared all evidence of her cheating so you won’t find out.

14. When she says yes to your marriage proposal.

She knows that being married is a good cover for bad behaviour. She wants to cheat forever.

QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?

Kunle Ologunro

March 14, 2021

Inside Life

Cheating, Humour, Nigerian Girlfriend, Sarcasm
If there is anything Nigerian babes have learned from politicians, it is how to hide their wealth. You will be dating a Nigerian babe and thinking you are both hustlers until a strong wind blows and you realise that Dangote is taking lessons from her.

Never again, kings. Here are 12 ways to know your girlfriend is a rich woman.

1. She has a PiggyVest app.

She’ll probably lie that she has no money there. Isn’t that all women do? They lie. But ask her to show you her Safe Lock. That’s how you’ll know your babe is competing with Jeff Bezos, Forbes just never sabi her.

2. Ask her how much her nail tech charges.

12-15k
It’s once in a while so it’s pretty decent to me.
— IBIFUBARA (@IB_DAVIES) March 10, 2021

I can assure you, she spends nothing less than 5k. Here’s further proof.

I did my nail at a new place today and it was 8k cheaper than my regular nail tech,🌚 however the quality isn’t the same, it close but definitely not as perfect as it would have been😕
— Dam Dam 🧡 (@Dammieelle) February 22, 2021

3. If she has up to 3 wigs, even Elon Musk fears her.

Guy, do you know how much one quality wig costs? Just one oh, let alone three or whatever number she has.

4. She has either of these shoes in her collection.

If she has both of them, please this is how you should be greeting her everyday:

Tuale Mama! Two hands for one person. No more tuale double puate!

That woman can help your destiny oh.

5. She owns at least 1 dress from an online vendor.

Calculate cost of fabric, sewing, delivery and other logistics of one dress. Now multiply it with the number of dresses she has bought from an online vendor. Do the maths, I dare you.

6. She goes out to eat creamy pasta at least two times a week.

Creamy pasta that you usually budget before you eat, that’s what your Nigerian girlfriend is consuming like water. Hmm.

7. She knows the meaning of these two logos.

Or she has them on her phone. You are dating a pocket-size Folorunsho Alakija. You better hold her tight.

8. They know her at Keje Grills.

Abuja babes, fall out!

9. She has never asked you for money.

Do you need further proof that your Nigerian girlfriend is a silent millionaire?

10. She has asked you for money.

That’s the thing with those rich babes. Them no dey ever like to spend their own money. Besides, if she does not ask you for money, how will you know she’s rich?

11. She and her friends have ‘brunch’ days, and it looks like this.

Actions speak louder than words oh.

12. She is planning to wear Deola Sagoe on her wedding day.

I don’t want to wear Deola Sagoe for just my wedding. I want to wear her pieces whenever I want to. An icon.
— the pressure (@larabillionaire) October 23, 2019

Go and ask how much Deola Sagoe is and come back to read this post again.

QUIZ: How Rich Is Your Soulmate?

Kunle Ologunro

March 11, 2021

Inside Life

bamboo, money, Nigerian Girlfriend, piggyvest, rich, risevest
If for any reason whatsoever, you need to end things with your Nigerian girlfriend (and I’m sure there are plenty of reasons. Nigerian women: I fear who no fear dem), I’ve compiled a list of handy excuses you can use to terminate your love affair with a Nigerian woman.

If she touches your bald head

This is clearly a sign that she does not respect you. Is she your mate? Break up with her.

If she fries 4 eggs at a time

This is a sign that she does not know how to manage resources. Break up with her.

Your pastor said you should break up with her

Who are you to go against the word of God? You can even use the following lines to make the process easier: “I love you but God loves me most” “It’s not you, it’s God.”

couple arguing

If they only give you one meat.

This is another sign of disrespect. Does she not know that you’re a red cap chief?

If they eat out of your plate

Personally, this is my favourite one because every single one of them are guilty of this. Break up with all of them.

Your sugar mummy doesn’t like her

You’re a benefit boy and you don’t want the benefits to stop, so you have to agree. Sorry to her.

If she farts

It smells like acid. Is she trying to kill you? Break up with her.

Take this quiz: How Many Nigerian Banks Can You Name in 1 Minute??

Olufemi Fadahunsi

August 24, 2020

Inside Life

breakup, Couple, girlfriend, Nigerian Girlfriend
When you’re complaining to your girl that you and Femi haven’t fought in a month.

So you send him the “we need to talk” message.

How you act when he comes and tries to hug you.

“LOL, ok what did I do now?”

“SO YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW?”

“Jesus! Look at how you’re now shouting like a mad woman”

“It’s your side chick that is mad!”

“Which side chick now?”

“Your ‘edible catering’ now”

“Which one is ‘edible catering’ again?”

“So you’re going to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about abi?”

“You’re really not making any sense”

“It’s your mother that doesn’t have sense!”

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BRINGING MY MOTHER INTO THIS?”

“Omg why are you now shouting at me?!”

“Because you’re always taking things too far!”

When you realise you’ve actually taken things too far but the show must go on…

“So now you’re keeping quiet abi!”

“But why are you now getting angry?”

“Ok fine, let’s forget it. I’m sorry”

When you realise that he’s actually apologising for the fake drama you started:

Damilola

May 27, 2016

Oldies

Nigerian couples, nigerian girl, Nigerian Girlfriend, Nigerian Men
1. When she doesn’t understand that FIFA and football things are more important than conversation.

Messi is more important!
2. When you say ‘yes’and she doesn’t get that it covers everything she’s been saying, so she starts the lecture all over.

Seriously?
3. When she starts being uncharacteristically logical.

Please go. I don’t know who you are anymore.
4. When you mistakenly cheat on her and she won’t even accept sorry.

But I said sorry now?
5. When she’s sending nudes and traps when there’s no fuel.

So what do you want me to do?
6. When you just insult her small and she gets offended.

Ordinary “man hands”.
7. When she starts stressing you to make sounds during sex.

Silence speaks a thousand words!
8. When she buys you a gift but it’s not a Hublot watch or a PS4.

If I slap you!
9. When she doesn’t understand that you’re supposed to be the only man in her life.

Please, please no competition.
10. When she wants to know ‘who was on the phone’ even though it would break her heart.

I’m protecting you!
11. When it’s been one hour and SHE hasn’t checked up on you.

She don’t care.
12. When she gets upset that you keep calling your ex-girlfriend.

She’s just a friend!
13. When she says she’ll cook for you and she still expects you to help out.

WOW!
14. When she continues to argue with you instead of agreeing that you’re always right.

When will your life be alright?
15. When you’ve been dating for five years but she can’t understand that it’s too early for marriage.

Na wa oh!

Odunayo

April 6, 2016

Oldies

girlfriend, Nigerian, Nigerian Girlfriend