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news | Zikoko!
  • Fuel Scarcity Again? Here’s the Full NNPC Gist

    Nigeria is one of the leading oil producers in Africa, but you’re probably reading this on a fuel station queue that leads to Jericho. 

    Pele dear. While we can’t help you hold the fuel attendant’s shirt when they tell you there’s no more fuel, we can tell you how this fuel scarcity mess started again. Here’s the gist, but first, a little backstory.

    Who runs things and why does the price of fuel change?

    As regulator, and resident big boys of Nigeria’s petroleum sector, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) manages the country’s refineries and is the only importer of petrol in Nigeria. 

    Before becoming the sole importers of petrol, there were other marketers importing the product. Nigeria used to run on a subsidy scheme that allowed other marketers in the country to buy fuel directly from the international oil market at the landing price (initial cost) and resell at a cheaper price to you. The NNPC made this possible by covering the cost. 

    Let me explain

    If the international market was selling petrol at ₦174 per litre and Nigerians bought at ₦142 per litre, the difference is paid off by NNPC. That’s what oil people call fuel subsidy. There are claims that this wasn’t a real thing, but it was always a part of the national budget.

    After a few years, the government had to shake things up because people were hiding subsidy money inside their agbadas. Marketers also struggled to maintain access to the international oil market as the dollar went up. These issues influenced the periodic cycles of fuel scarcity we’ve experienced over the years. So in 2017, the government made the NNPC Nigeria’s only importer.

    When the NNPC took over, Direct Sale and Direct Purchase (DSDP) was initiated. It’s like trade and barter: NNPC gives refiners an amount of crude oil and they return petrol of the same value to NNPC and selected distributors to sell at subsidised prices.

    Do you feel like an oil guru yet? 

    Now to the juicy part.

    On Monday, Nigerians woke up to knocked engines and soon the internet was host to a number of videos of angry Nigerians demanding an explanation for these issues that followed buying fuel in their cars. As tension continued to rise, the Nigerian Midstream and Downstream Petroleum Regulatory Authority (NMDPRA) confirmed  suspicions. 

    The fuel in circulation had been contaminated with an alarming percentage of methanol, above Nigeria’s approved specification. With this announcement, filling stations who believed they had received thos contaminated fuel started to sell less or not at all while the issue is resolved.  

    So, who’s taking the fall for this oversight?

    After being tagged in multiple videos online, MRS made the first move on Monday, to let us know that this saga had absolutely nothing to do with them.

    MRS put out a statement that basically said, “The NNPC is the sole importer of fuel so please don’t drag us for rubbish.” They claimed that they were not aware of the contamination when they received the petrol supply shipped from Belgium by the NNPC’s trading arm, Duke Oil. 

    Next on the podium of accusers was the Managing Director of NNPC, Mele Kyari. In his statement, Kyari claimed that MRS are dirty liars and are the ones to blame. He also threw in Oando, Duke Oil and a consortium consisting of Emadeb/Hyde/AY Maikifi/Brittania-U into the mix of people to hold accountable. 

    Who’s to blame now?

    We thought the mind games were over until a journalist, David Hundeyin, came out with incriminating details that questioned the credibility of NNPC in a tweet.

    The tweet mentioned Duke Oil again, but this time, in association with a shady law firm called Alemán, Cordero, Galindo & Lee, in Panama. From Belgium to Panama. 

    While we know nothing significant about this entity that has worked with NNPC since 2015, David Hundeyin drops the main bombshell that leaves me questioning why I’m still here typing. Apparently, the law firm is associated with crimes in Panama.

     .

    From what we’ve gathered, they have been implicated in criminal acts associated with money laundering. Allegedly, they have helped at least 160 politicians and public figures with the creation of offshore shell companies meant to hide money in a tax haven. According to the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists (ICIJ), their clients have included world leaders like Czech Prime Minister Andrej Babis, Montenegro President Milo Djukanovic and Jordanian Kind Abdulla II. Sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. 

    The end

    So why is Nigeria’s regulatory body for our most lucrative resource associated with a company linked to this firm? 

    There are no answers from NNPC yet.

    What do we know for certain? Crazy things are happening and you need to know them too.

  • Fellow Nigerians, Be Careful What You Say…

    This is Zikoko’s Game of Votes Weekly Dispatch. We share the most important things that happen in Nigeria every week. 5pm Thursdays. Stay woke. 



    Be Careful What You Say.  

    Did you say freedom of speech? SHH, the Nigerian government might have no idea what that means and might not want to hear what you have to say about it. How do I know? Well, the Senate has proposed a bill to kill anybody who speaks hatefully. Damn son, I’ve got bars. But seriously. 

    What time is it?

    Time to check yourself before you say ANYTHING that will be frowned upon because it’s still not clear what hate speech means under the bill; don’t like the border closure? SHH. Curious about the salaries of your senators? SHH. Our government doesn’t like noise; it grinds their gears and they’ll be grinding yours if you are convicted of a hate speech crime

    Whose brilliant idea was this anyway?

    Deputy Senate Whip, Sabi Abdullahi, representing Niger North Senatorial district. Apparently, he woke up to this bright idea one morning in 2018 when he was in the 8th assembly, and thought it would be awesome to introduce the bill to the floor because he was uncomfortable with how freely Nigerians in a democratic society spoke. Although it didn’t get the immediate results he wanted, the bill recently reared its ugly head again, had its first reading and many Nigerians are not liking this new development at all.


    GUESS WHO GOT SACKED. 

    I’m someone, I’m the chairman of a local party but my members just suspended me. Who am I? Let me give you a clue. My wife’s name is Eve and I’m the first man. Alright, you can stop guessing, it was none other than Adams Oshiomole. News reaching us is that the Edo state chapter of the All Progressives Congress (APC) has suspended him.

    Now Why Would They Do Something Like That?

    Oshiomole was suspended for his alleged role in the crisis rocking the state chapter of the party. This comes as APC governors give him an ultimatum to resign — As chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC), he has been asked to convene a National Executive Council (NEC) meeting to address the party’s challenges or resign from his position. 

    Trouble in Oshiomhole Paradise or Trouble in APC paradise? 

    Both. Members of the APC have allegedly been protesting against the following: Poor reward system in the party; Abandonment of founding fathers; Neglect of the entire party structure; Failure to convene a quarterly meeting of the National Executive Committee (NEC) – the decision making organ of the party amongst other things.

    Particularly in Edo State, the battle between Obaseki and Oshiomole may have escalated to a fist fight. Ahead of the 2020 governorship election in the state, it is alleged that Oshiomole was shopping to replace Obaseki who is the current governor. 

    As if that was not enough, the Edo chapter of the APC also suspended this same Governor Obaseki for allegedly perfecting plans to defect to the opposition People’s Democratic Party (PDP) ahead of next year’s election. 

    Is This A Suspension Party?

    Here’s the fun part. It just might be a party you and I were not invited to. The man who led the suspension of Oshiomhole — Anslem Ojezua — has also been suspended in a controversial manner.


    DSS DOES NOT GIVE AF ABOUT COURT ORDERS.

    Despite countless court rulings to let Sowore go, the DSS is pig-headed about doing that and are simply pissing on the bail conditions that Sowore has met. Their excuse? Nobody came to receive him on the D-day, not even his lawyers who fought so hard to. And what happened to the people who dared to protest against this injustice? They got shot at by the DSS.

    Meanwhile, the Washington Post is weighing in on this issue of national embarrassment while the State Security Service continues to give reasons why Sowore is still in jail.


    DID YOU MISS THIS?

    1. This is for everyone who loves Keke Napeps and maybe lives in Abuja: well, they’ve been banned in your city.
    2. The Nigerian children will be so glad that DJ Cuppy threw an exclusive party for her 27th birthday since they’ll soon get a share of the N5.1 billion that was raised on their behalf. Right? Right?
    3. Nigerians came for Babatunde Raji Fashola when he dared to claim that the roads in Nigeria were not bad and citizens were just being delusional. We hear you, Mr Minister, we hear you.

    NOT.THE.NEWS.

    Did you know you need a ferry to get to Senegal from The Gambia? No? Neither did I until I read this. The Jollof Road team is presently in Senegal and they have all the info. Follow them on their trip around West Africa here.


    Ministry is moving

    The dispatch is growing. If you enjoyed reading this, share this with someone, you hear? Z!KOKO

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    We tell you the most important things that happened in Nigeria, during the week, in a way that won’t bore you to death.

  • Dammy Krane Just Got Arrested In America For Credit Card Fraud And Nigerians Are Dragging Him Mercilessly

    Brethren! Dammy krane has been arrested in the US for credit card fraud!

    Chai!

    Apparently, He tried to hire a private jet with a stolen credit card and the private jet service, Tapjets, figured this out and called the cops on him.

    The funny thing about this is, his recent posts on Instagram show him living large and taking pictures in private jets, with some of his followers even hailing him in the comment section.

    Which just proves that this young man got involved in credit card scams just so he could show off for the gram.

    Because this is another case of a person who felt the need to project a lifestyle he obviously can’t afford, Nigerians feel no pity for him and are dragging him online.

    Let’s start with this girl that listed out all his crimes

    This person that gave Nigerian artistes sound advice.

    This person that gave all Nigerians sound advice.

    This tweet by EFCC’s official account.

    #WordsToLiveBy

    Then of course the jokes started. There was this tweet that had a plot twist.

    This tweet about his mugshot.

    This freaking hilarious video that has the most appropriate soundtrack ever.

    https://t.co/1AFZyG3tR6

    This tweet about inner demons.

    This tweet that contained advice for Dammy Krane.

    Dammy Krane once posted a picture he took with rapper, Sauce Kid (who has also been in trouble with the law for grand theft) and referred to him as “his mentor”. Because of that, someone tweeted this.

    We’d watch this tbh.

    This person concerned about Dammy’s career.

    After the news of his arrest got online, Dammy Krane tweeted this……..

    …….so someone tweeted this.

    This person that put the pieces together.

    This person that spoke a sad truth.

    Someone even made this.

    Where is the chill?! Lmao!

    Then there was this person that looked on the bright side of everything.

    We wish we had her optimism.

    People please, learn something from this.

    Cut your coat according to your size. You should not feel the need to show off for anybody.

    More Zikoko!

    10 Times In Life When It’s Better To Be A Fat Person
  • So recently, Wema bank released an ad for their digital bank called ALAT.

    All was well and good until Leta Sobierajski, an American graphic designer, showed up and tweeted this.

    She’s accusing Wema of copying the concept of one of her shoots. Here is her shoot side by side with Wema’s ALAT ad. The First:

    The second:

    Do they look similar to you?

    After Leta pointed out the similarities, people on the internet saw it too and began to drag Wema bank for stealing another person’s intellectual property. There was this person that saw the whole thing coming.

    This person that had only two words to say.

    This person that also said the above two words but in a stylish way.

    This person that just seemed happy about the whole thing.

    This person that predicted the graphic designer’s future

    This person that lowkey came to sell her market.

    Creative people like us. LOL

    This person that is ready with a list of lawyers.

    Calm down na.

    This person that has vexed.

    This person that somehow tried to defend Wema……

    ……..and this person that was not in the mood to hear any kind of defense.

    Chai. This whole thing looks bad sha oh.

    More Zikoko!

    7 Things You’ll Relate To If You’re A Terrible Person Deep Down
  • Dino Melaye Just Launched An ‘Anti-Corruption’ Book And We Are Just As Confused As You Are

    Our favorite controversial politician, Dino Melaye is in the news again. If you don’t remember what he looks like, here’s a picture to refresh your memory.

    Remember him now?

    He just released a book called “Antidotes For Corruption”, a book about how Nigeria can properly fight corruption. This is hilariously ironic for one reason.

    Because he’s a NIGERIAN POLITICIAN, that’s why. You know what we mean by this. Don’t pretend.

    Wait! That’s not even the best part! The most entertaining first lady Nigeria has ever had, Patience Jonathan, was the guest of honor at this event.

    It’s worth pointing out that Mama Peace is currently embroiled in a court case regarding almost $6 Million she might have gotten through shady means.

    Also present at the event was Senate President, Bukola Saraki, who is currently on trial for false declaration of assets.

    Which probably explains why his face was like this when this picture was taken.

    Saraki even gave a speech. Talking about how the fight against corruption shouldn’t be sensationalized because it is ‘unnecessary and counter-productive.’

    Basically that was him saying that he doesn’t want to be dragged on the front pages of newspapers and social media for being corrupt.

    He even congratulated Dino Melaye for writing such a lengthy book despite Dino’s busy schedule.

    We at Zikoko can bet all our reproductive organs that Dino Melaye didn’t write that book himself.

    Also, there was NO representative from the EFFC.

    They know this whole thing is a sham. LOL

    All this put together, gave Nigerians the chance to do the thing they do best.

    DRAGGING!

    Nigerians went in hard! Let’s start with this tweet from The Sahara Reporters that came with epic shade.

    This tweet from this guy who can’t wait for everything to end.

    This tweet about an epic showdown.

    This tweet from this guy who makes a valid point.

    This tweet about the dream team.

    This tweet from this person that REALLY wants you to see how much of a sham this whole thing is.

    Even the grammar nazis came out to play.

    This tweet about about how the book launch left corruption confused.

    We have no idea who Dino and his people think they’re deceiving but it’s sha not us.

    Because we’re not stupid.
  • Long story short: the Abuja airport runway was designed to last 20 years.

    By March 8, 2017, things started to fall apart.

    So the government shut down the airport and announced that it will be reopened in 6 weeks

    Okay nooooowww!

    And – will you believe it! – the airport has been fixed. And it is beautiful!

    I mean. Just look at that.

    Just look at this

    I mean…

    Isn’t this just a pretty airport

    BUT NIGERIANS SAID ‘WE WILL NOT TAKE IT!’

    Nigerians on Twitter have described the airport as a typical example of how the government responds to issues when it affects its elite

    Maybe politicians should start using regular hospitals so facilities can be fixed in 6 weeks?

    …or if you are the 1%

    Hmmm.

    Priorities, priorities.

    Isn’t it all so interesting?

    If you thought this was interesting, you should check out this Gist titled “Goodluck Jonathan’s Administration Never Meant Nigeria Well
  • After Many Days And Nights, Daddy Bubu Is Back

    After almost 50 days in the wilderness (yes, we know he travelled to London), President Buhari is back.

    He landed this morning in Kaduna, and then took a helicopter to Abuja.

    Fellow Nigerians, rejoice! for your able leader has returned!

    The first lady, Aisha Buhari shared this picture (we can’t lie, it’s quite cute) on her twitter page.

    https://twitter.com/aishambuhari/status/840127111356542976

    Presidential love is sweet oh!

    However, according to some early reports, it seems like Vice President Osinbajo is still in charge while President Buhari continues to rest.

    After more than 40 days, more resting? And you will collect full salary and keep your job? All those who want to be President say I!

    This is us, wondering what exactly is going on in this country.

    This is also us, hoping Daddy Bubu brought back chocolate and original charger for us.

    Anyway, now that he’s back we hope the welfare of Nigeria is placed front and centre because there is so much work to be done.

    So guys, what are your feelings on the President’s return? Are you happy? Excited? Nonchalant? Let us know!
  • Someone Rejected Fifty Million Naira And We Are Struggling To Relate

    According to our Minister of Information, Alhaji Lai Mohammed, a whistle-blower rejected commission from recently recovered N1 billion loot.

    The reason for rejecting the loot, was because the whistleblower believed he was simply rendering a service to his nation.

    That guy must be a real patriot sha!

    Just to clarify, 5% of 1 billion is 50 million.

    Somebody rejected 50 million because of patriotism. In this same Nigeria!

    This is us, thinking of all the things we can use 50 million naira to do.

    This is us again, wondering how we can become whistleblowers and get offered big money.

    This is still us oh, wondering whether Alhaji Lai is frying dodo for us with this gist.

    Would you reject that sort of money?
  • All The Things We Are Tired Of In Nigerian Politics

    1. When everyone is in traffic and a politician’s mopol starts blaring their sirens for people to make way.

    No, please fly over our heads.

    2. When even ordinary local government chairmen starts forming bad guy.

    Wow! Can you imagine?

    3. When you try to get a meeting with a politician and they waste hours of your time.

    You know some of us actually have to work! We don’t have hours to waste lounging in your office waiting room.

    4. When it’s 6 months to election time and all of a sudden roads are being fixed and schools being built.

    Oh so now you people know how to work!

    5. When the election jingles start playing everywhere.

    Who authorised this noise?

    6. When all the walls and billboards are covered with political posters.

    Na wa oh.

    7. When politicians start promising the moon and stars.

    Like we haven’t been here before.

    8. When feuding politicians all of a sudden become best friends because of elections.

    We are not fools oh, we know what it is.

    9. When after the elections they fall out again and start insulting each other everywhere.

    Nobody is surprised.

    10. If you’re tired of all the rubbish, this is what you should do:

    Visit getyourpvc.com and in 5 minutes, you’ll have all the information you need to register to get your PVC. Don’t dull.

    And tell us, what is the most irritating thing about Nigerian politicians?
  • Today On ‘WTF News’, Nigeria Imports $18 Million Worth Of Toothpicks Annually
    Nigeria has a culture of overreliance on imported products. Even though the nation is the most populated country in Africa, with manpower supply in abundance and arable land spread all over, the country manages to spend a whopping N3.1 trillion on importations of 4 major consumables annually. Pretty insane, right?

    The Minister of Agriculture, Audu Ogbeh, has thrown us another bomb; apparently Nigeria spends almost $20 million on toothpick imports annually.

    Let that sink in; $18 million on toothpicks.

    And that’s not all. According to him, the country also imports 5 million eggs per year from South Africa, and spends $600 million on fish importations annually.

    So you people don’t just want designer bags and shoes, you want Italian made eggs and fish too?

    The truth is, if we don’t learn to invest in local producers as a country, we may never stop these ridiculous importations. Nigerian-based producers also need to up their game and actually set standards.

    It makes absolutely no sense that Nigeria imports fish, eggs, palm oil, or leather when we have natural resources and manpower to produce and even export on a large scale. This was one of the reasons the current administration banned Forex access for importers of some products.

    Instead of stating problems and whining about the past administration’s failures, the government needs to invest in and support production of locally made products, because all this money we’re spending is too much jare.

  • Is Japan Trying To Be Nigeria’s New Sugar Daddy?
    The Nigerian power situation has been especially bad this year, due to militants’ sabotaging gas pipelines up east of the country. In March, power generation capacity actually fell from 5000 MW to a miserable 1,580.6 MW. With the help of the Japanese government however, light, it seems is now at the end of this very dark tunnel.

    Brethren, it looks like our situation is finally about to change for the better! Minister of Power, Works and Housing, Babatunde Fashola is seen here inspecting the brand new solar-panels at Usman Dam, Abuja.

    The panels were donated by the Japanese government, through the Japan International Cooperation Agency, and are worth a whooping $9.7 million dollars!

    We think it’s time to actually fast and pray for this country called Japan, because these guys must be angels of the good Lord.

    The newly donated solar panels are expected to generate 1,496WH of power, and reduce electricity payment by N31.5 million per year.

    The implication is that you and I will now pay less for more electricity-we hope!

    To be honest, we are getting really tired of the NEPA wahala! Every time no light! We can’t charge phones, we can’t iron clothes for work and we can’t even watch Telemundo in peace!

    So we really hope this donation translates to tangible, visible results; a lot of companies are finding it difficult to continue operations in Nigeria because of the mess that is our power situation.

    We can’t wait for a time when we get to use clean, stable energy, and finally throw these annoyingly loud, pollution-inducing demons away.

  • 15 Funny and Strange Nigerian News Headlines
    You ever see some news reports and go “LMAO!”, “what the hell?” or think in your head “what is all this?”. Look at these Nigerian news headlines and let your jaw drop!

    1. When you literally can’t do without fish

    We guess it is better to just die when there isn’t fish to eat.

    2. Sometimes you take the law into your hands… or into your mouth

    Only God “nose” what happened here…

    3. When life throws marriage at you really unexpectedly

    In all ramifications this was totally wrong.

    4. When the elections were getting really serious and confusing

    In the words of the famous Justin Bieber.. “What do you mean?”.

    5. And it really got more suspicious and hilarious

    SAY WHAT NOW?

    6. When your shoe game was dope on earth and you have to tell Angel Gabriel too

    Shoe game on fleek on earth and will be in heaven.

    7. When the wrong spirit is moving you

    Forever blaming the Holy Spirit for everything.

    8. When you give the gift meant for the side chick to the wife

    To think it is a day to share love oh!

    9. When you can’t help but say “What the hell?”

    Hmmmoooohhhmyyygawwwdddd…. why you lying!

    10. When you realize judgement day is near

    When you realize its all over.

    11. It was a serious plea

    You can’t help but wonder…

    12. Even your boo get a boo

    What is life?

    13. When you realize deodorant can save marriages

    Ordinary body odor, is it that deep?

    14. When you’re being delivered but they say the containers are landing soon

    Man cannot miss business abeg.

    15. They don’t want you to have dinner

    Now we understand DJ Khaled. They don’t want you to eat early.