Network | Zikoko!

On Zikoko Ranked, we would usually rate things from best to worst or most enjoyable to least enjoyable. This is a bit different because everyone is on equal footing. It’s a large compilation of rubbish.

MTN

They promised they’d be everywhere we go, but not with good network it seems. If they manage to give you network, they would attach a straw to your device and SUCK out your data. We advise they quit trying to be a network and just enter drinking competitions for a living.

9Mobile

The best thing about them is that in locations where all other networks suffer, they shine. Unfortunately, not everyone is trying to stream their favourite show from the top of a mountain.

Airtel

Where does one even begin with a network like Airtel? At random moments, nobody in a particular area will have network for a long time. Then they’ll try to apologise with 50MB. So not only is the network bad, but they’re also disrespectful. Also, it’s clear their entire budget is dedicated to TV commercials.

Glo

People say Glo is getting better, but is Glo aware they’re supposed to be getting better? Because it seems like they aren’t. If multiple people within a location are using glo, the result is a phone that’ll buffer from now to thy kingdom comes.

Spectranet

How can you be an internet provider in Nigeria, but not work in all Nigerian states? That’s the story of Spectranet. They select which states are entitled to their poor service. How can you be forming exclusivity with rubbish? Even in Lagos, their internet will work in one house, but somehow, not work at all in the next. It’s giving Owambe-caterer eyeservice.

Smile

What’s actually there to smile about? The price? The network? The name must be an ironic joke, because what is there to smile about? They claim to provide “SuperFast” internet, but their network doesn’t go beyond 3 mbps at any given time. Blatant liars.

RELATED: We Ranked Beans Combos From Worst to Best

Itohan Esekheigbe

September 16, 2022

Inside Life

Inside life, Internet, Network, ranked
Astor George

October 19, 2020

Quizzes

Network, Nigeria
Services in Nigeria are designed to frustrate you, from the banking to the transportation services and even the telecommunications services.

Where do I even start from? Is it the drop calls, or the numerous unsolicited messages that pop up at that time you’re waiting for a bank alert? What of the shenanigans of slow and retarded network that can only function at a particular spot in your house even though a mast is so nearby?

There’s so much to complain about but here are seven things that top the list:

1) How data is supposed to last for a month-but doesn’t

This is the king of all lies that we’ve been sold. No matter the data bundle you buy, on whatever network, it is just never enough. If you buy monthly data, prepare yourself for a resubscription within two weeks. Yeah, I don’t know how they do it too.

So baffled

2) The promo’s that we are not sure anyone actually wins

So, you hear that someone will be rewarded with a car, house, a trip to Dubai and more, if they are loyal customers. But, do people actually win those things? Forget those photo ops we see abeg, I won’t believe it until I win a prize myself.

3) The extra credit/data that is supposed to last a week (or more) but disappears the first time you use it

These bonuses by Nigerian telcos have mastered the vanishing act. You will receive a message that you’ve been gifted with extra talk time or data for a few weeks, only to have it go to zero balance the first time you use it.

Well, I wasn’t expecting anything, so it’s all good.

4) How they tell you its your fault that something went wrong with network

Remember those drop calls I mentioned? Yeah, this and text messages that remain unsent for days are some of the reasons people call customer care, only for them to hear; “But everything is alright from our end. Are you sure you hit send?”

5) How they make you buy airtime/data multiple times because of “network failure”

Somehow, this happens when you want to recharge through your bank app. If it didn’t work the first time, please don’t do it again. At least wait for 24 hours before you attempt to recharge again, this will give you peace of mind.

6) Customer care agents who leave you hanging with a promise to resolve complaints by calling/texting you back within a day

This is a lie from the pit of hell. They will not call you. I repeat, they will not call you. In fact, you will be cut off while you are speaking with one and then the other agent you dialed within seconds of blind rage will do the same thing. Until you give up and break your SIM card.

7) How each telco promises to be better than the other

They deceived you to port over to their services until you realize you just roped yourself into something much worse. There’s no good anywhere, just manage your bad network like that because they are all the same.

Gabriella Opara

October 30, 2019

Oldies

Network, Nigerian telecommunications, Telcos
1. So your phone’s network has vanished.

What kind of nonsense is this?!
2. At first you wonder if it’s your phone that has the problem and you get the urge to start slapping it.

The official Nigerian solution for faulty electronics.
3. Then you remember that you might break the screen by mistake and you calm down so the devil won’t use you.

There’s no money to repair screen in this recession.
4. You realize your mother was right when she said you were addicted to the internet.

But you won’t admit it to her because if you do, you’ll never hear the last of it.
5. So you decide to entertain yourself with your networkless phone to try and prove her wrong.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
6. You find yourself playing the 3D version of Bounce that for some reason, came with your Tecno phone.

So Tecno just stole this game from Nokia like that? Nawa oh
7. And you wonder how you even enjoyed this game back then because you’re already bored.

We didn’t have good taste back then sha.
8. You remember that you haven’t played Candy Crush since one difficult level made you quit so you go back and try that.

Ah, Candy Crush. We meet again.
9. 80 tries later, you still haven’t passed the level. Your frustration intensifies.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
10. You violently swear for your service provider for putting you in this position.

YOU PEOPLE THAT WORK THERE WILL NEVER KNOW HAPPINESS!!!
11. You decide to re-watch all the funny videos on your phone.

I guess it’s back to Alfa Sule…..again.
12. The videos aren’t as funny as they once were but you force yourself to laugh because you’re trying to fight the overwhelming boredom.

You’re clearly losing the battle but you keep fighting cause mama didn’t raise no quitter!
13. You pause the current video playing to wonder why you didn’t listen when people told you port to another service provider.

Had I known!
14. You start going through your picture gallery and come across a good selfie you took. This makes you smile.

See as I fine. I AM A SLAY QUEEN/KING!!!
15. You realize that the only reason you didn’t port when you had the chance was because your current service provider sells cheap data.

Awoof dey run belle. Lol
16. You decide to take this time to go through your contact list and delete people you know you’ll never call.

Olusanya Balogun. This one that I hated. DELETE!
17. Next, you start taking selfies. Boredom is slowly turning you into Bobrisky.

OSHEEEEY BARRRDEST!!!!
18. As there’s no internet to distract you, you decide to do the dishes.

Every disappointment is a blessing in disguise.
19. You also decide to cook a proper meal for yourself. Not every time noodles.

See what I can accomplish when i’m not wasting my time with the internet!
20. You quietly promise yourself that when your subscription expires you’re porting to another network.

Enough is enough.
21. Suddenly, a message comes through. NETWORK IS BACK! All is forgotten.

After all, God said we shouldn’t make decisions when angry.
23. But You SHOULD Really Consider Porting Sha

Check out all the things you stand to benefit when you move over to Etisalat’s EasyCliq 2.0. Click hereor on the ‘Learn More’ button below to find out more about EasyCliq 2.0!

Astor George

April 13, 2017

Oldies

Boredom, Frustration, Funny, Mind, Network, Nigerian, phone, sponsored

MTN

9Mobile

Airtel

Glo

Spectranet

Smile

1) How data is supposed to last for a month-but doesn’t

2) The promo’s that we are not sure anyone actually wins

3) The extra credit/data that is supposed to last a week (or more) but disappears the first time you use it

4) How they tell you its your fault that something went wrong with network

5) How they make you buy airtime/data multiple times because of “network failure”

6) Customer care agents who leave you hanging with a promise to resolve complaints by calling/texting you back within a day

7) How each telco promises to be better than the other

1. So your phone’s network has vanished.

2. At first you wonder if it’s your phone that has the problem and you get the urge to start slapping it.

3. Then you remember that you might break the screen by mistake and you calm down so the devil won’t use you.

4. You realize your mother was right when she said you were addicted to the internet.

5. So you decide to entertain yourself with your networkless phone to try and prove her wrong.

6. You find yourself playing the 3D version of Bounce that for some reason, came with your Tecno phone.

7. And you wonder how you even enjoyed this game back then because you’re already bored.

8. You remember that you haven’t played Candy Crush since one difficult level made you quit so you go back and try that.

9. 80 tries later, you still haven’t passed the level. Your frustration intensifies.

10. You violently swear for your service provider for putting you in this position.

11. You decide to re-watch all the funny videos on your phone.

12. The videos aren’t as funny as they once were but you force yourself to laugh because you’re trying to fight the overwhelming boredom.

13. You pause the current video playing to wonder why you didn’t listen when people told you port to another service provider.

14. You start going through your picture gallery and come across a good selfie you took. This makes you smile.

15. You realize that the only reason you didn’t port when you had the chance was because your current service provider sells cheap data.

16. You decide to take this time to go through your contact list and delete people you know you’ll never call.

17. Next, you start taking selfies. Boredom is slowly turning you into Bobrisky.

18. As there’s no internet to distract you, you decide to do the dishes.

19. You also decide to cook a proper meal for yourself. Not every time noodles.

20. You quietly promise yourself that when your subscription expires you’re porting to another network.

21. Suddenly, a message comes through. NETWORK IS BACK! All is forgotten.

23. But You SHOULD Really Consider Porting Sha