Neighbors | Zikoko!

If you’ve ever lived in an apartment where you had neighbours, you’ll understand that there’s a thin line between tolerating them and wanting to poison their food. Sometimes it’s not the people in your village that are stressing your life, it’s your next-door neighbour.

Before you move into your next apartment, these are some bang-on signs that the person you’re about to become neighbours with will stress you.

1. They welcome you warmly.

If you’re moving into an apartment and your neighbour starts being weirdly nice, just know that you have a new best friend who will come over by midnight to gist with you. It’s either that or they’re just super excited to have a new person to taunt and they can’t suppress their feelings.

Why do you think the apartment you’re moving into was vacant? Do you think you’re the only one that knows how to snag good deals?

2. They don’t welcome you warmly.

If you’re moving in and your neighbour doesn’t seem excited to see you, just carry your load and put it back in the truck. This one will appear in your room at night to warn you not to fuck with them. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

3. They live upstairs.

People that live upstairs think if they don’t do legwork in heels from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. every day, something bad will happen to them. If they’re not dragging their table at the exact time you’re trying to fall asleep, they’re running around every 3 minutes. Why?

4. They have children.

If your neighbour has any child that isn’t already in university, they will stress you. Here’s a list of things you’ll have to endure if your neighbour has a child:
- Loud tears
- Raised voices for no reason
- Children running around and screaming for no reason
- Children being mischevious- They’ll write on your car and there’s nothing you can do about it
- Having to randomly babysit if you ever get close to your neighbour
- More loud tears
- PTSD from when your parents used to shout at you and beat you
5. They have a small gen.

If you live in an apartment building that doesn’t have rules about when a generator should be on or off and your neighbour has the “I better pass my neighbour” gen, just forget what good sleep means, and say bye-bye to your eardrums.

6. They are single.

You see those single neighbours? They will stress your life by trying to cuff you. Avoid them.

7. They’re not single.

If your neighbour is not single, forget everything you know about your innocence. Every night, you’ll hear things that will shake you to your core. It’s either someone is moaning, or someone is shouting another person’s middle name, or the bed is about to break their floor and fall into your own apartment.

8. They have a car.

It’s Saturday morning and you’re trying to get some extra sleep because you partied hard last night, but all of a sudden, you hear a loud bang on your door.

“Who is there?”

“Please come and move your car. I want to go out.”

Stress.

9. They cook by themselves.

These ones are either cooking something that is choking you, cooking something that smells so nice but you can’t have any or borrowing Maggi from you. There are no in-betweens.

QUIZ: What Type Of Neighbour Are You?
David Odunlami

October 11, 2021

Inside Life

Neighbors
Most of us have had our fair share of really horrible neighbors. From being messy and untidy to sticking their noses in places their noses have no place being in, horrible neighbors are just the worst. So I asked seven Nigerians about the very worst neighbor they’ve ever had and their answers are truly fascinating.

Chidi, 25.

I used to live in this apartment block, it was like six apartments fenced together, and we had regular power supply but my neighbours loved turning on their generators. We would have power all day and around 3a.m, it’d go. You’d immediately hear my neighbours open their door to turn on their generator. Do you know the worst part? Their generator was downstairs, close to my bedroom window. It was so annoying because they were quick with turning on the generator but turning it off. I had to start turning it off myself.

Frank, 27.

My worst neighbours were a group of young boys. They tended to host parties a lot, smoked a lot and always had guests. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t mind because do whatever you want but this is Nigeria and I was the only other young man in the compound. I was always anxious about the police coming and me being arrested because they think I’m with them. One day, when I was travelling I heard that policemen came to the compound and the place was smelling of marijuana and alcohol and the police arrested all the boys on the street. When I returned, I packed some of my clothes and went to a friend’s place. A few weeks later, I moved out. God forbid.

Bibi, 31.

So for the longest time, I had the best luck with neighbours, everyone had sense and knew how to mind their business. Then this guy moved to an apartment close to mine and decided to just be stupid in astounding ways. He stays in the apartment above mine and the people in his house would sweep his dirt to my front, he would wash his car which for some reason he parks in front of my house and the water would just pool there with all the dirt he drove in with and do you know what’s worse? I think he moved in with his whole external family. There are always people moving, at all hours of the day you’ll hear sounds of people pounding. With all the people in his house, no one has ever taken a broom to sweep the dirt he leaves in the front of my house.

Boma, 24.

After uni, I moved into a new apartment as per freedom. There was a woman in the compound I moved to that knew my mother, they weren’t friends or anything. She just knew her at some point. Anyways, this woman turned into a monitoring demon. If I came back late, she’ll ask why I’m coming back by this time. If a friend – a female friend – spends the night, she’ll tell me it’s not good for a woman to be having friends like that. When I got really mad was when a male friend came over and a few hours later, my mum called and asked why I was carrying men up and down and turning my house into a brothel. After I explained to my mother, my mum told me to be careful of that woman because the story the woman told her and what I told her is very different. I went up to the woman and warned her that in this life and the next, she should never try it again unless she wants to see madness.

Melody, 25.

My worst neighbour is a girl I shared a hostel with back in uni. The babe minded her business and I did the same. Until I started noticing that some of my clothes were missing, I can’t just accuse someone of stealing so I tried to search for my things but I didn’t see them. I just thought maybe I misplaced them myself or someone stole it when I hung it out. A few weeks later, I was gossiping with my friend and they sent me my neighbours Instagram account. That’s when I saw a video of her where she was wearing a top that belonged to me and a post of her with a bag that was also mine. I tried to confront her and omo, it turned into a shouting match. At the end of the day, I had to move out, she was branded a thief and I didn’t get back my items.

George, 23.

We had a neighbour who told my brother, who is homophobic, that I was bringing bad boys to the house. And seeing I’m openly gay to my family. He concluded I was bringing queer men to the house to hook up with, which triggered him kicking me out of his house. Before this, she told my brother that his girlfriend crashed his car, which she did but was fixing before he came back. She made him leave work to come and check on her safety and expected him to come home and quarrel with his girlfriend.

Veronica, 29.

Mine is more of an emotional thing. My neighbour and I were very close. We even visited my family home together often. Then one day, my sister called me and told me that she thinks her husband is sleeping with her. I was so confused. We turned into detectives and lo and behold, we were right. I don’t think I had ever felt more betrayed since that thing happened. It was awful.

Desmond

July 1, 2021

Inside Life

annoying neighbors, annoying Nigerians, Inside life, Neighbors
Having a good or bad neighbor is not something we give much thought to until we are faced with nasty and annoying neighbors that make us regret our choice of an apartment. Most times, if one is under the constant attack of an unreasonable neighbor it’s hard to imagine that it’s not personal even when it feels that way. However, their mode of operation is a status quo, something they can’t help.

We’ve listed six types of neighbors that make living in harmony and having a tranquil home experience so hard. Chances are, you’re presently living with a troublesome neighbor if you can relate with any of these:

1) Noisy neighbors:

Their partners, children and even their household items are a source of noise. God help you if your apartment is a floor below theirs; the running feet at odd hours and dragging of furniture will be sure to keep you awake all night. Oh, and they never get tired either, mornings are for shouting matches.

2) Monitoring spirit:

These ones know when you stepped out; what you wore last Thursday, who came visiting at 9am four days ago and when they left. They know what you had for breakfast and what your favorite snack is because they check your garbage. Sometimes they go beyond your wildest imaginings; snooping around, standing by the wall, peeping into your window, eavesdropping to know what you are up to.

3) Needy neighbors:

These ones need TLC and they want it any time, so they disturb at odd hours just to air their views; about another neighbor or how they hate the new security rules, the stupid curfew, or anything really. Then they would proceed to ask for salt, garri, seasoning, detergent or pegs and never return it. However, they can be your plug for in-house information if you know how to handle them.

4) Attackers:

They always time their complaints to the time you are in a hurry to go somewhere. They don’t like how you utilize your parking space which disturbs their car; why do you pay your bills on time? It’s making them look bad. The sound of your heels when you are leaving disturbs them; the way you locked the gate at 1 am on Friday night woke their baby up; even the fragrance of your perfume makes them sneeze, can you please change it?

They are never satisfied. If you are right, wahala; if you are wrong, double wahala.

5) Advisors:

The ringleaders of the unofficial advisory committee in your neighborhood. They don’t mind their business at all. They are usually in cohorts with the needy neighbor, they feed off each other.

They tell you how to train your kids, speak to your parents, dress well. They also “worry for you”, inquiring about why you always come home so late, or never leave your house; telling you why that meal you ordered in is a waste of money, why the PET bottles in your trash is alarming, why you need to think of your health! And, the way you speak to your boyfriend on the phone (in your apartment) is insensitive, why the number of ladies that come visiting is atrocious.

6) Crowd lovers:

The footfall in their apartment is crazy. In fact, they never close their doors because of the constancy of their visitors and the daily house parties they have–you’re gonna have to get out of your apartment if you wanna study. They are usually overtly friendly folks who are hard to keep a grudge with yet they remain a nuisance.

Which of these do you find the most annoying?

Gabriella Opara

October 25, 2019

Oldies

lifestyle, Neighbors