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Whether it’s weird forex academies or people who ask you to invest in hopes of getting double your capital, there’s one common thing about pyramid schemes: your money will suffer for it. This guide is to help you notice them from afar and hold on tight to your pocket.
They want to teach you how to make money
Think about it. Why would anyone want to do that?
But they want you to bring your own money first
It should be obvious at this point that these people are up to no good.
They want you to bring your friends and their money too
They’ll ask you to bring three people who’ll bring three people who’ll then bring three people. It can only be one of two things: witchcraft or a pyramid scheme. Run!
They use a lot of motivational quotes
They’ll bombard you with all these nice-sounding buzzwords like “abundance mindset” and “not limiting yourself”. This is just to get you dizzy on motivation till you drop your house rent.
The returns look fishy
If “30% interest after 4 weeks” doesn’t make you wonder if there’s some yoruba movie shenanigans going on, then you should at least be worried.
There’s always someone who seems to have done everything right and now makes a lot of money from the scheme. This is to keep the dream alive in your mind.
Your friends join and try to sell you on it
This is most likely how you’ll find out about it in the first place. Just remember, if you do it, you’re their lunch money.
The business is looking somehow
If you can’t figure out what they actually do to make money, in a way that’s as simple as selling biscuit for ₦10, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.
You’re wondering if it’s a business or a cult
They do usually give off cult vibes. Because why else would they ask you to recruit your family members?
Ever heard of sapa? Well, it’s that evil spirit that has made so many people resort to desperate — and sometimes, downright hilarious — attempts to get their daily urgent ₦2k to put food on the table.
I spoke to some people and they shared the most desperate things they’ve done for money.
“I spent the night in a dark classroom”
— Tola*, 29
This was during the 2011 Nigerian elections and I desperately wanted to be a part of the INEC ad-hoc staff. I’d applied but didn’t get selected. I got the bright idea to go spend the night in the school where INEC personnel would be taking off from, just in case somebody didn’t show up so I could replace them.
I met some other people there as well, and it was a long, cold night. Eventually, some of the selected staff didn’t show up in the morning and I took someone’s place. They paid me only ₦13k after everything — they even delayed payments by over two weeks.
I’ve also done ushering service jobs where I’d get paid ₦1k for a whole day, after leaving home at 5 a.m. and returning at 10 p.m. I did this between 2008 and 2011. Sure, I got to eat at the events, but it was horrible — all the insults and stress were just ridiculous. I can never do either of these two “jobs” ever again.
“I commuted from Ikorodu to Owode-Onirin every day for ₦500 daily”
— Wendy, 25
In 2013, I was trying to save up for JAMB, so my neighbour introduced me to a food canteen in Owode-Onirin where they paid ₦500 per day. I’d go there as early as 5 a.m. and try to convince the iron rod sellers near the canteen to buy a plate of food from me. Each plate was about ₦300, and I needed to sell at least 20 plates, retrieve them, wash them and sweep the store by 6 p.m. to get my ₦500 for that day.
I didn’t get paid in full somedays because madam could just complain that I wasn’t smiling or that I didn’t attend to a customer “well”. My transport fare to and from the canteen was about ₦200, and sometimes I only made a profit of ₦200 after everything.
I didn’t last up to two weeks there because one of the male sellers slapped my bum one day, and I hit him back in the face. Nonsense.
“I de-feathered chickens on the road for about ₦200”
— Charles*, 24
This was during the Christmas holidays in 2016, and of course, there were chicken sellers everywhere. All you had to do was walk up to a seller, select a chicken, and you could decide to have it killed, de-feathered and cut up for you for a price by the seller’s assistant.
My friends and I were broke so we decided to try this assistant business out. We suffered. We burnt our hands from the hot water we had to use to de-feather the chickens, and the hot sun beat down on us for hours. The angry and impatient customers yelling at us didn’t help matters. And for what? Payment of less than ₦200 per processed chicken? God abeg.
Less than a week later, my mum eventually had to ban me from going back when I started looking pale. Fun times.
“I worked at a construction site”
— Onyeka*, 45
This was when I was a broke student at LASU. I think we were on strike, but my roommates and I couldn’t travel home because we didn’t have any money. For days, we depended on soaking garri until one day, I noticed another roommate eating rice.
Of course, we were all shocked and asked where he got the money. He was reluctant but later told us that he’d show us only if we promised we’d be able to do it. Broke men like us? We had no choice.
The next day, he took us to a construction site he found, and the site manager graciously hired us. We had to carry cement and sand all day for ₦500. When we got back to the hostel, I seriously thought I was going to die. My body ached like I had been passed through a grinder.
Ibuprofen came to the rescue sha and we kept going back until ASUU called off the strike.
I’m not proud of this, but I once had to sell my mum’s gold necklace without her knowledge to settle a debt.
I was in my third year of university, and things were hard at home. I was on the verge of missing out on my exams due to unpaid fees — about ₦30k. I had to borrow money. Not long after, the person I borrowed from started pressuring me to pay back. I kept posting him till he sent cultists to threaten me — apparently, his cousin was a cultist.
I knew my mum would never sell the necklace because it was a gift from my late dad, but my life was at stake. I think she knows I took it, but she never questioned me.
For about three years, I made a lot of money writing exams for people, including WAEC and polytechnic exams. It was very risky, and also involved heavily “sorting” invigilators, but it paid well.
I wouldn’t do it again, though — I have a proper job now, and I don’t think it’s as easy to impersonate students now, compared to 2009-2011. I also can no longer afford to risk getting jailed.
* Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
It’s one thing to be broke and you know you’re actually broke with nothing to your name. But then imagine being broke-shamed when there’s money in your account. Where should the fight begin? Even if it’s only ₦5k in your account, as long as you can buy sardine, you’re rich. So how would you feel if someone wrongly broke-shamed you? These five Nigerians shared their hilarious stories with us.
1. “Just because I wore shorts? I hope they close down.”
My guy invited me to go clubbing at Ikeja on a Friday night. I was still a bloody Corper, so I had to turn up after CDS and I couldn’t go home to change. I was driving a tiny silver Matrix then — loved the car, but it was not the best look. I didn’t have time to change before heading to the club, so I had to park in front of the club and change at the back seat of my car. I didn’t have anything else in the car besides a pair of shorts and leather slippers. As I came down from the car, a bouncer at the door was already looking straight at me. I was still walking down with confidence and before I even got to the step, he started shooing me away. Literally giving me this “Bros if you come here” look. LOL. I sha had to turn back so the disgrace wouldn’t be too loud. I went back to my Matrix in shame sha. Just because I wore shorts? I hope they close down.
2. “She told me to think about the fact that I came trekking”
I was at Lekki and saw a necklace in a jewelry store. I didn’t drive that day as I’d decided to take a bus to run errands around. When I entered the store, I asked the attendant about the necklace and she gave me a funny stare. I didn’t care so I picked it up to get a closer look. Next thing, she grabbed it from me and asked if I could afford anything in the store. I couldn’t believe it. She told me to look at the price of the necklace and think about the fact that I came to the store trekking. Omo. There was no one else in the store, but I was so embarrassed. There was no one to complain to at the store that day. I just had to leave — making a scene would have been worse. Luckily, when I went home to complain to one of my girlfriend’s, she was familiar with the store and knew the owner. We complained to the silly girl’s madam who fired her. I got the necklace later that week sha. The woman ended up offering a discount, but I had to pay full price for the sake of my pride.
3. “I just wanted to dance with strippers bro”
“Hennessy 250” is what they used to disgrace me and my ancestors inside the club. I was in my second year in Uni and went out to Club Vegas with a friend. For some reason, we wanted to get in with the strippers at the VIP section. When we got to the door, the bouncer asked us to go back. My guy and I were confused. He just sized up and asked us if we were not secondary school pikins. Baba looked at my original G-shock and actually said “One Hennessy in this place costs more than your plastic G-shock.” Wristwatch that cost me ₦150k? Hm.
4. “Is it because you know we’re going to pay for the food? I was so upset.”
A new restaurant called Four Guys opened up in Abuja, so I decided to go there with my babe. I was bringing my boyfriend and she was bringing her boyfriend as well — never liked him and this double date just broke the camel’s back. We all showed up dressed like the baby boys and girls we are. We got into some light chit chat and the waiter brought the menu. So I ordered a large platter of small chops for us and some tender baby back ribs to kick off the feast I was hoping to get into that evening. As the waiter left, my friend’s boyfriend made a snarky comment, “Is it because you know we’re going to pay for the food?” I was so upset. We laughed it off but It was so insulting for me. After dessert, the waiter brought the bill and I snatched the bill before he handed it to the silly guy. It was ₦130k. Mtshw. I swiped my Gtbank platinum membership card as the sugar mummy that I truly am. Broke babe where?
5. “What is it with Nigerians and looking down on people that want a cheaper option?”
Maybe it was the Nigerian mum in me jumping out, but I had to yell at that sales girl. I walked into a store to buy my son a belt. The sales attendant came in with some options but they were a bit expensive for me at ₦30k each. So I told her to please get me cheaper options so I could buy more than one. She brought some options that were going for ₦9k, but were too big for his waist. I told her to please make more holes so I could go to the cashier to pay. But she just stood there without attending to my request. I asked why she was waiting, and she told me she didn’t think I was a serious customer. I was like, “Pardon?” What is it with Nigerian service people and looking down on people that want a cheaper option? As if they can afford what they’re helping their madams sell.
Nigeria is tough and the people who refuse to pay up their debt don’t make living here any easier. If you’ve been aired or blocked by someone you lent money to, here’s a guide on how you can legally get your money back.
The first thing you need to know is that if anyone in Nigeria owes you a debt, you have to act fast. If you try to get the money through a law court after six years, the court won’t answer you — and that’s according toSection 21(1) (a) of the Statute of Limitation Law.
Also, when trying to get back your debt, avoid sending any threatening or intimidating messages to your debtor. While we know that being owed can get you very angry, you also don’t want those threats of violence to backfire into a criminal case against you. So please, no violence.
And most importantly, do not involve the police in a debt recovery case in Nigeria as the police are meant to fight criminal issues, not issues between normal people. Involving a lawyer from the start is a better option.
Now, TimeToGet Your Money Back
Do you have an agreement in writing with the person you lent money to about the steps you can take to recover your debt if they don’t pay up, like selling a property? If yes, then good for you. You can simply follow the steps in that agreement to recover your debt.
If you don’t, that is still alright. There’s no need to escalate things. You can try sending them a message reminding them of their debt. Sometimes that’s all you need to do.
But if all else fails, here’s how you can “gently” get your money back:
Send The Person A Letter of Reminder:
You can send your debtor a “letter of reminder”. This letter should be written by your lawyer, and it should remind the person owing you that you will take the case to court if they fail to pay up your money.
Try Mediation and Arbitration:
To get back your money, you can involve third parties — if the other party is willing to discuss it with you, of course. In mediation, a third party can help you and your debtor reach an amicable settlement.
In arbitration, you and the other person must follow the final agreement reached by the arbitrator, and the decision can be enforced in court because it is legal. But there must have been an agreement that you and your debtor will use arbitration to settle matters in the original loan agreement.
Write The Person A “Letter of Demand”:
If you are getting uneasy and your debtor is still unwilling to pay up, then you can employ the services of a lawyer to draw up a “letter of demand”, warning the person of the things that will happen if they do not pay back your debt within a period.
The letter of demand usually confirms the exact money you are owed, a clear time when the debt should be paid back and the legal consequences of failure to pay back the debt.
A letter of demand usually serves as a good notice to the debtor before you take matters to court.
Try Taking Legal Action –
Finally, in the case where the debtor has failed to pay up even if you have sent them letters and tried to be reasonable with them, then you should take the matter to court.
The court will enforce a decision for your debtor to pay you back your money, after hearing the facts of the case.
The appropriate court to take a case of debt recovery depends on the amount you are owed. But you can recover your debt in a Magistrate Court, State High Court or Federal High Court.
By involving a lawyer early on, following the relevant procedures and eventually taking the matter to court, you can recover all the debt that is owed to you without breaking a sweat, literally.
Salary week is probably the most depressing week as a salary earner. The anticipation, the money that has already been spent in your head, and the bills that become more obvious don’t do much to help either. Flesh and blood did not reveal the information we are about to share below.
1. Ads become more frequent
It’s almost like the internet knows that money is about to enter your bank account. You start getting more ads, and for once you dare to consider getting those things you’ve been putting off, all the best sha.
2. Things start finishing
For some reason, things start finishing a lot during salary week. All of a sudden; your Wi-Fi finishes, foodstuff follows closely behind, DSTV, and finally, if you are unfortunate, your gas will follow suit.
3. Things start spoiling
It’s always during salary week that your car will know that it’s tired of Nigerian roads. That laptop that you have been managing will suddenly give up the ghost too, salary week has bad vibes for real.
Kuku kill me
4. The money hasn’t arrived but it has finished
You don’t even need to earn a salary for this to happen to you. Money just doesn’t like to stay in one place, If it’s not being spent, it’s not happy.
Especially banks for collecting that 50 naira.
5. Family members rise from their hiding place
All of a sudden your mum needs a new washing machine, or your uncle wants to start a new business and your younger sibling will call to cry about how broke they are. Wahala for who get family sha.
You to your family members when they call.
6. The sudden quietness
You’d never be able to put your finger on it but for that entire week before your salary comes in, there’s a quietness around, and it won’t be the peaceful type. Just deep sighing and casual anxiety. Again with the bad vibes.
7. The heart attack when you are expecting the alert
Especially if it’s a little later than normal. It’s so unnecessary because why is your brain telling you that you won’t get something you worked hard for? Everybody should get out abeg.
8. The depression after you spend the money
Post salary depression is a thing, so if you know anyone earning a salary, do the right thing and dash them small money this month.
You know the feeling of setting a savings goal and with ginger you actually start to save, only for you to somehow sha break into it before you even reach halfway through your goal timeline? We can totally relate, so we’ve decided to create a list of some of our saving struggles.
Money? What’s that?
How do you take something out of nothing? Don’t angry me, please! *crying in unemployment*
How much am I even earning?
Man never chop finish, you’re talking about saving. I can see you don’t have my best interests at heart.
Automated payments
“Baba God, tell me I’m dreaming. These people have removed my last change. Who sent you? Who sent you?!”
Have you seen the price of garri in the market?
It’s like you don’t know what is happening in the country. You can’t even price anyhow anymore. Just leave me to be managing my life.
Food
How will I buy food if I keep saving? Please let me enjoy; life is one.
Internet
Ordinary small breeze will blow and all your data will finish. Oh, well. *buys more data*
I got 99 problems but saving ain’t one
And on the other end of the spectrum, we have the non-savers. “What is saving, please? Don’t insult my personality. I just keep making this schmoney! Call me OBO.”
What do y’all spend money on that you wish you didn’t have to? Tweet us @zikokomag!
If you are anything like us and you lack self-control and home training then your June salary has probably finished and you are currently going through these struggles with us.
They just paid salary last week but your account balance is confusing you.
Wait but did someone rob me?
This is you trying to calculate how you are going to feed for the month of July after looking at your account balance.
This is the perfect month to start 30 days dry fast.
You start thinking back to how you were flexing like there was no tomorrow during salary week.
Yours is now a case of had I known.
As you are trying to calculate how you’ll find money to pay your NEPA bill one family member calls you to remind you to send something for the month.
It’s a little too late for that.
You start to notice that any small thing suddenly makes you unnecessarily angry.
Your colleague will tell you good morning and you’ll ask them what’s good about the morning.
You start counting down again to salary week and wonder why the days are going by so slow.
Time moves slower when you are broke – Albert Einstein
Your taste in things will suddenly drop. You’ll start buying puff puff instead of pancakes.
You’ll start to realize that you actually like cooking and you don’t even like eating out like that. Who knew.
You’ll suddenly remember all the people that are owing you money and start hitting them up.
It’s time to collect your money back from that your colleague that needed 200 naira change for bus. Abi did he think it was dash?
You’ll start appreciating the little things like the fact there’s water dispenser in your office or your parents live an hour away so you can go and beg for food.
Isn’t the Lord good?
You also start to seriously rethink your priorities in life.
Do you really need to pay for internet this month? Shebi office WiFi is there?
Long story short, July is about to be a very difficult month but we are here to tell you that last last you won’t sha die before they pay your July salary.
