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BIC, a world leader in stationery, lighters, and shavers, has recently launched its innovative grooming product for men in Nigeria. Flex 2 comes to the market after its tremendous success in various areas globally and in the region. The newly launched product aims to equip men with the necessary tools to embrace their individuality and be confident in their own skin.
Joining a line of optimal products in BIC’s Blade Excellence category, Flex 2 is crafted with precision and sophistication to deliver a smooth, seamless shave for today’s man. The dual, open blade design ensures easy rinsing and hygienic shaving with every use. The shaver’s pivoting head adapts seamlessly to the unique contours of each face, delivering a flawlessly smooth and comfortable shave. Flex 2 is enriched with a refreshing essence of aloe vera and vitamin C, nourishing the skin with each stroke.
Speaking on the product’s launch, Adeyemi Ojo, Head of Business Development at BIC Nigeria said: “We are committed to delivering innovation to our consumers, living up to our vision of bringing simplicity and joy to everyday life. Our newly launched Flex 2 shaver elevates men’s shaving experience, while promoting self-confidence. We thrive to continuously bring the best to our consumers and are confident that Flex 2 will gain popularity in the Nigerian market.”
In Nigeria, Flex 2 shavers will be available at retail outlets across the country, sold at NGN 500 (pouch 1) and NGN 1,500 (pouch 3). BIC’s Blade Excellence category hosts a diverse range of products from one to five blades, serving consumers of all ages and genders. To view BIC’s full Blade Excellence range, click here.
Here’s a working theory: DIY fuku-faka only works the first few years after you discover the concept of self-pleasure. It’s only a matter of time before your body starts to crave skin-to-skin genital slamming. But what if we told you there are more creative ways to get around spilling your seed in another human?
Boys, grab a notepad. Class is in session.
Tickling
It’s like beating your meat, except you don’t have to touch it. For this to work, get some privacy and focus. Kumbaya/inner-peace seeking style focus. Next, gently trace your fingertips along your inner thigh, ball sack and nipple. Keep at it for about 10-15 minutes, and you’ll buss.
Rubbing
Also known as pillow-fucking, this is a completely hands-free method of getting your orgasm. How does it work? Will your Rod of Correction to attention and grind sensually against the bed. Grabbing your butt might help you get a sense of joint action and arrive at your desired destination.
Sleep
There’s only one way to make this work: Watch an obscene amount of pornography before you go to bed, and you’ll have given your spirit partner enough prompt to give you some action.
Anal massage
If you’re adventurous enough for some backdoor action, get some lubricant up your anus, slowly stick your index finger in, and try to reach your P-spot AKA prostate gland. Every man has one. You should definitely consider a P-spot toy if you’re serious about this.
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Nipple play
As a guy, you’re probably missing out on premium enjoyment if you ignore your nipples. The nipples are super sensitive, which means the right kind of touching and stroking can get you bussing in no time.
Perineum play
The perineum is the area between your odogwu and anus. It’s full of nerve endings and very sensitive. To make this work, give this area some good touching or stroking. Make sure you’re well relaxed, as this will help you find your rhythm and spill that akamu.
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Sex toys
Vibrators are mostly marketed to women, but if you’re open to exploring sex toys as a man, there’s good action to be enjoyed. Grab a male vibrator, wear it around your phallus and let it do its job. Word on the street is that those vibrations feel really good.
Edging
Whether you’re beating your meat or using any of the methods on this list, edging will help you intensify the experience. Simply bring yourself close to climax and stop just before you spill your seed. Repeat the process for as long as you can. The idea is to prolong the experience and intensify the eventual orgasm.
The male fashionistas of today are popular for their originality and unrestricted sense of style. Gone are the days of copying the “American rapper” fashion template once deeply seated in Afro-pop culture.
Looking for inspiration from stylish Nigerian men to step up your own game? These are the guys to check out.
Teezee
As one of the founding fathers of Alté music, it isn’t hard to link Teezee‘s fashion style to the culture. He’s not your regular music and record label executive. You’ll only ever catch him in street or athleisure wear, casual clothes or adire pants for that Nigerian flavour.
IG: @teezee
Alani Gram
Alani Gram is almost always in Yoruba trad, but some days, it’s hats, suits and other comfortable clothes. Still he looks like everyday is summer to him. He recently launched MŌYÀTÒ — a unisex fashion brand making vintage Yorùbá prints and patterns into the coolest designs and wears. You can be stylishly different like Alani. Do it for the culture and carry on tradition.
IG: @alanigram
Feedy
One of the few guys who rock jerseys better than football players is Feedy. Football jerseys have broken into the fashion industry, but many folks haven’t caught on yet. Learn from Feedy AKA TheFeedbackBoy, who rocks football jerseys of all kind, from retro to classic. He’s so cool, he styles the current reigning video director, TG Omori. Feedy’s style community, Old Capsule, is focused on showcasing, selling and promoting vintage soccer jersey products.
IG: @thefeedbackboy
TG Omori
Speaking of, if you follow TG Omori on any of his social accounts, it’s clear to see why he’s one of the most fashionable young men in Nigeria today. Unique sunglasses, cool tops and unusual shoe choices are major components of his style, but he’s also unpredictable. Aside from his spectacular locs and gold grills, TG’s thick moustache makes him look even more stylish. Everything about him screams, “I’m so cool.”
IG: @boy_director
Walter Banks
Walter Banks AKA Wacko is a photographer and creative director who’s worked with many Afrobeats A-listers, and his eye for fashionable AF looks is A1. His style hangs between street fashion and Alté.
IG: @wark_jacko
Faraz
Nothing overboard with Faraz Muhammad’s steeze but lots of iconic European street and rare Asian fashion releases. He knows how to throw all the simple clothes together and make runway swag out of it. He may appear like a Korean mountain climber on some days, but kids and adults can take inspiration from him any day.
IG: @sixhunred
Dwin, the Stoic
Dwin wears silky tunics and suits, large clothes only Japanese warlords would wear, fascinating gold earrings and rings like Shabba Ranks. He’s very much royal and relaxed with his style. Out of ten folks, you’d hardly find two who dress like him.
Ejirhogene
If you want the why-couldn’t-I-think-of-those type of looks in your wardrobe, Ejirhogene is who to follow. His style creatively crosses cultures and puts different clothings together to make unique outfits. This guy can rock agbada, durag and school sandals and still be the best dressed in the room. His finesse peaks with cool and unique colour combinations and accessory collections.
There are more conversations happening about how men need communities and safe spaces to thrive. And for many men, the people they know and have formed close bonds with serve this purpose. They become their tribe.
In this story, six Nigerian men talk about their tribe and how they make living a bit less lonely.
Nauteeq, 30
In June 2020, I was going through my Google Drive, and I noticed the same faces had appeared in my photos since 2014. So I thought if these people can be in my pictures every year, they must be my tribe. I was right, and I’ve been good since.
It’s tricky to quantify how much work went into building this community of people I feel safe with. But I know it wasn’t solo work, and everyone constantly put in some effort. The most challenging part for me was the amount of voluntary disclosures I had to give and receive, and that’s still ongoing. The WhatsApp chats and the Facetime calls never end, and I also walkie-talkie my friends to keep in touch.
My community is my biggest priority, and I treat them that way. I know I will always find all the love and safety I need in them. They are always there and will answer me when the need arises. As a result, there’s never been a time I was scared that I’d wake up and not see my people again.
About a year ago, I was forced offline because of a nasty power cut in my area. By the second day of the blackout, these people, at different times, stormed my house to confirm I was good. One of them burst into tears when they saw that I was alive and well.
That same evening, they dragged me out of the house, and my friend decided to dance at an event so she could win a power bank and hand it over to me: she didn’t want me to ever go off the grid again.
They’ll always have my back. Life has been fair to me because of these people. Money can’t buy that.
Dami, 28
I have two tribes, and they exist for different purposes. One is a group of three people I’ve been friends with since uni. They’re my closest friends, and it’s easy because we grew up together in a way.
The second is a group of 12 boys, and they’re there for more serious matters — the personal and intimate matters I can’t discuss without being judged. It’s interesting how this worked out because I met them recently. But I warmed up to them the more I spent time with them and saw how free everyone was with one another.
It’s great I have these two groups in my corner; having them around helps me figure stuff out. In 2018, the 3-man group helped me navigate my most serious heartbreak. They’d met my ex several times and knew how I felt about her so they could get what I was going through. They checked in multiple times, and one reached out to her to fix things. The same group came in handy for the one after that.
They’re also a solid sounding board and are the first people I tell things to when they happen. There’s no other way to say it — they are my safe space.
Ayo, 29
I’m a people person, so I have different categories of folks I consider my guys. I grew up with some and met others from school, at work, or through other friends. But in all these groups, a close bond has been formed.
I’m not going to lie; it took some work to get there, from the serious stuff like showing up for them when they needed me to everyday things like celebrating their wins. But it was all worth it because now I know they’ll always have my back. It makes living more pleasant.
I’ve been homeless twice, and I wasn’t bothered. I knew I wouldn’t sleep under a bridge; I just needed to reach out to some of my people and let them know I was in a fix. On both occasions, two of my guys took me in. The first was for free, and the second let me pay the rent at my convenience. It doesn’t get better than that.
Oluwatosin, 26
For years, I didn’t think I needed a tribe. Most people form these strong friendships or communities in uni, but I was a lone ranger the entire time I spent in school. It’s not like I didn’t have friends, but I didn’t see the need to create or nurture a community that would be my safe space.
This thinking only changed about three years ago. I’m not sure how, but I’m glad it did, and I should have given it a chance much earlier.
The first step in finding these folks was to identify what we had in common, which formed the basis of our bond. Now that I have them, they come through for me emotionally and sometimes financially. A while back, I felt the weight of family and work pressure crushing me, but these people got me through it. Also, I know who I can turn to for the urgent 2k to the significant loans. We prioritise refunds. This keeps the relationship healthy.
My tribe fills a lot of void. And I’ve learned that I can always be vulnerable with them, and they’ll make me feel safe. There’s no high-pressure situation they can’t get me out of. It’s reassuring.
David, 24
My siblings are my safe space, and they’ve always been. In secondary school, I’d hear people talk about the not-very-nice experiences they had with members of my family, and I was always like, “Wait, what? My family is so chill.”
It results from how much work my parents put in for us to become this close-knit group. The primary thing I feel with them is love, which is excellent for my quality of life because I don’t have many friends besides my girlfriend. Two of my close friends also recently left the country, so my siblings have become an even more integral part of my community. We talk every day, I’m close with their kids, and I even live with one of them. They make me feel incredibly lucky.
Mobolaji, 25
I found my people in university. We were in the same space almost every day, and we built our community from the ground up. It was also primarily organic and started with little check-ins. But these droplets snowballed into something concrete post-uni. It still is.
They give me a sense of belonging and offer fresh, valuable perspectives on things I need to figure out or decisions I need to make. I’m self-sufficient, but it helps to know I have folks who will come through for me whenever I need them. It might seem minute, but this realisation alone improves the quality of my life.
It’s not strange for a child to admire and want to be like his father. Apples don’t fall too far from the tree, but how many of these traits are learnt or unconsciously adopted? These Nigerian men share their stories.
“I don’t really socialise, and I suck at communicating” — Mayowa, 32, Lagos
I personally didn’t see the parallel traits, beyond the complexion of my skin, until puberty set in. I’m a mirror image of my father now. Our physical resemblance serves as an identifier within influential circles where my father is well-known. But the flip-side is it’s challenging to establish my identity when others perceive you solely as Mr. X’s son.
But it’s not just our physical appearances. We’re both pragmatic and introverted, which has its drawbacks. Asking for help, networking and socialising don’t come naturally to individuals like me. I make a conscious effort to introduce spontaneity into my life. I recently put a permanent reminder on my calendar, labelled “Call Dad” — a gentle nudge to prioritise regular communication.
“We both go on a rampage when we’re angry” — Bright, 21, Lagos
When I was about nine years old, I noticed my dad had anger issues. He has a short temper and gets furious very quickly. Growing up, I’ve noticed I do things to the extreme when I’m angry too. Like one time in 2021, I was in a heated argument with my sister because of something she did, and it got to the point where I smashed her phone on the floor. But I’m working on controlling my emotions now. I try not to react immediately to anything; I’m learning to be more patient with people. And when I have the opportunity, therapy is something that’s prominent in my mind because I’ve seen my dad’s attitude to his anger issues — he’s not phased by it all but we’ve kind of grown to live with it.
“We overlook things a lot” — Femi, 29, Lagos
My behaviour and mannerisms are closely linked to how my father handles things. He hardly takes offense. During NYSC in 2018, I met different types of people who’d annoy me a lot, but I had an impressive level of restraint. I kept thinking this is what my dad would do. Ironically, he gets inflamed by what you’d consider petty; like slippers scattered around, little dirt unpacked. No one else in my family is like that. Just him and I.
“We can’t ask for help” — Anonymous, 26, Osogbo
I can’t seem to ask for help from people, no matter how dire the situation. I found this out pretty early and chucked it up to my introversion until I was 15. That’s when I noticed my father is like that too. At a time we went through some rough patch at home, I saw him grind through it alone and quietly. I don’t think it’s a pride thing; I’d attribute it to over-independence.
I was surprised when I noticed our similarities because I always thought we were totally different. I think weighing the costs of this “over-independence” every time I need to ask for help goes a long way towards navigating it. When I think about the people who could be affected, I tend to ease up and speak up.
“We both have retentive memories” — Stephen, 59, Oyo
My father (of blessed memory) liked to sing or recite the Oriki of everyone who passed through the front of our house. My father knew the Oriki of every Yoruba names and towns; l’m also good at that. I noticed these traits in me when l was young. I even released an album in 2023. Just like me now, he also dressed well and abhorred dirt.
“I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth” — Babatunde, 26, Akure
I never thought much about it until I was 22 years old in 2019. The country’s economy was struggling, but things were harder at home. I felt like why were my siblings and I even born if our parents wouldn’t take care of us like they should. I always thought with the number of important people my father had as contacts on his phone, there was no way we’d go through hard times.
Fast forward to 2022, I quit my first job and started looking for fresh opportunities, but nothing came. Everything was choking me. Then, a random check-in on a friend turned into an extensive conversation, and I had to come clean that I was jobless. We came up with a solution that helped for a while, but then, I thought to myself, “This is the same thing I correct daddy about. I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth.”
“I don’t want to make mistakes around people” — Micah, 35, Anambra
I’m always trying to be on people’s good sides, especially within the family. I don’t want to make mistakes around anyone or offend them. Whether I’m the wronged person in a situation or not, it’s like I just want you to love me. I’m still trying to figure out what type of hell I’ve found myself in, but this is a major trait I share with my dad, and I think about it every hour of the day.
Father’s Day comes once a year. To celebrate 2023’s edition, seven Nigerian men talk to Zikoko about their ideal Father’s Day celebration.
“All I do is put up pictures of my kids on socials” — Ifeanyi, 37, Benin
Celebrating Father’s Day has always been something my wife and kids do for me rather than me doing anything for myself. They wish me Happy Father’s Day, and sometimes, get me gifts. All I really do is celebrate fatherhood by putting up pictures of my kids on some socials. That’s the ideal Father’s Day for me. It’s worth noting and celebrating the life of a father or man with responsibilities, and I appreciate it.
“I’d likely be a father myself before I celebrate one” — Yinka, 30, Lagos
I’ve never really cared about Father’s Day or how it’s celebrated. I was raised by a single mum; my dad wasn’t present at all. So it’s a normal day for me, especially since it doesn’t get a lot of buzz like Mother’s Day and special celebrations for women. If I ever consider celebrating, maybe I’d be a father myself first. But right now, it’s just another day for me.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to be a father at all” — Vick, 23, Ilorin
Let me begin by saying fathers are not celebrated well enough. Everybody knows, but we never complain. Just check how many songs we have for mothers and match it to the ones for fathers.
I don’t have anything planned for my father on this less anticipated day. But God knows I’m trying my best to make it big and give this man the best life. He has dream cars, houses etc., but he prioritises my demands and works hard to meet my needs. I pray to God to spare his life so he can reap the fruit of his good labour. I think of him and cry sometimes. Being the head of a family isn’t always joyful. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be a father at all. It’s a lot.
“It’s a mellow day for me” — Juwon, 34, Sagamu
Oh, I miss my dad. It’ll be a mellow day as usual. I’ll write a song as I’ve done in the last three years, call his wife and relive great moments. God bless his soul.
“Fathers shouldn’t be neglected in their old age” — Folasayo, 59, Ogbomoso
A father should celebrate having kids and his ability to train them to be better people. It’s an important day, and it should be spent with family, love and gifts. Especially older fathers, they shouldn’t feel neglected in their old age.
“I’d love to surprise my dad with a visit to the spa” — Maleek, 27, Ilorin
I don’t really have anything planned, but here’s how my ideal father’s Day would look.
My dad works really hard. Even when you tell him to take a day off, he’d start fixing broken stuff around the house. On Father’s Day, I’d love to surprise him with a visit to the spa. We’d both get a full body massage, relax in one of those hot rooms with thick, white towels around our waist, get haircuts and some facial treatments and get our feet and nails cleaned too.
Next up, we’d go for a medical consultation. He’ll get the best recommendations on natural supplements to boost his immunity and overall health. Then, we’ll go and buy some expensive native clothes. I know he likes lace materials a lot. We’ll get those and go over to the tailor’s shop. Finally, we’ll buy all sorts of chops and drinks to be enjoyed at home with everyone.
I’m one of four boys, so I know I might not have him for a full day. But that’s how I would love to spend Father’s Day with my dad.
“If possible, I’d get him a gift” — Abisola, 32, Lagos
We no really send Father’s Day, but I like the fact that we have a day that celebrates men who’re fathers. I think it makes a lot of sense. Regardless of the hard guy thing, I think we all want to be celebrated. Well, I’ll call my dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, post him on all socials and make him feel good about himself. If possible, I’d get him a gift.
Last week came with so many controversial happenings that we can’t be more sure it’ll be impossible to get men to keep quiet about the following:
Arsenal and their big EPL dreams
Being a Gunner is painful; steady hoping but never actually winning. They actually thought they’d grab the English Premier League (EPL) title and end the season as champions. Hey Siri, play ”Vivid Imagination” by KWAM1.
Imagine being an Arsenal and LA Lakers fan. Lakers supporters hoped Lebron would save them, but they lost to the Nuggets. Now 0-3 down, they’re still saying, “Lakers in 7”. Let it go, bro.
Twitter
SportyBet Woes
“My ticket don cut again” bros won’t stop talking about how last weekend games and SportyBet stopped them from becoming overnight millionaires. Worse still, they wanted to bet one thousand naira to cashout two million naira. What are the odds?
Zikoko Memes
The Agbado Boys
Twitter for politics is filled with men who constantly analyse the president-elect’s forthcoming swear-in and hand-over ceremonies. Then there are ones threatening Nigerians not to go near Eagle Square. God, ABEG.
Every other day, there’s someone subbing women on public forums. We don’t have much to say about this, but aren’t you the ones that don‘t talk to your babes for two days?
Zikoko Memes
“Na man dey do man”
These are the ones who are always crying about how rich tech-bros and sugar daddies have taken all the babes from them.
Zikoko Memes
Nigerian men don’t cheat
Nigerian men who are trying to beat the “all men cheat” allegations suffered a huge setback since 2Baba’s appearance on Young, Famous and African season two. Doesn’t look like we’ll ever beat the allegations.
Zikoko Memes
Intermission: Start picking out the sluttiest outfits for HERtitude 2023, the biggest all-hot-women party. It’s on Saturday, and it’s going to be HOT. In case you haven’t bought your ticket yet, here you go.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Joey and Akah met in 2008 when Joey was dating Akah’s sister. On this week’s #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about why Akah thought Joey was fake when they first met, their surprise connection and picking sides after Joey’s break-up with Akah’s sister.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane
Joey: We met in 2008 when I was still dating your sis. She introduced you to me as her “overprotective brother”. She’d hyped you up as the guy who’d beat me if I fucked up. But then, you pulled up, and I was like, “Omo, if I racked with this guy, I’d definitely win.”
Akah: I won’t beat you up because I still want to follow you to eat banga at your mum’s place.
Joey: You’re a cute teddy bear who only pretends to like violence. The more I spoke to you about basketball the night we met, the more I realised you’re cool AF. We eventually turned your sister into a third wheel.
Akah: I might’ve laughed with you that night, but it didn’t mean I liked you. I told my sister to break up with you when we got home.
Joey: Guy, for real?
Trust issues and initial gragra
Akah: I don’t trust the guys my sister dates, so I didn’t trust you one bit. You moved like a player, and you were trying too hard to be liked with all your dead jokes and compliments.
Joey: Na wa o. I was extra because I genuinely wanted you to like me.
Akah: Exactly. And I could see the desperation. But my sister was so into you she made us hang out over and over again until I liked you. It was like when the radio rinses a song so bad you end up knowing the lyrics even though you can’t stand it.
Joey: So you’re calling me a Drake song? Well done. I knew I wanted to be friends with you from the start. But I was also scared of how we’d navigate my relationship with your sister.
The moment we became friends
Akah: I was also avoiding being friends with my sister’s guy. What would happen if you guys broke up? Plus, I wasn’t looking for new friends, so what was the point?
But one day, our gist moved from basketball to our late dads, and for the first time, I felt a connection to you beyond bants. We’re both first sons who had to step up at a young age because we lost our dads.
Joey: I don’t even know how that gist happened because I never used to talk about growing up or my dad. It’s too painful for me, even after all these years. I’d rather use jokes to cover it up.
Akah: Are you telling me?
Joey: Guy, abeg. Talking to you about not crying when my dad died because I wanted to hold it together for my mum opened the floodgates. I can count on one hand how many times I’d cried before that moment. It was weird that I was opening up to my babe’s brother, but I rolled with it and made you my free therapist.
Akah: I didn’t mind. I love listening to people, and part of why I thought you were somehow before was because you only made jokes. Nothing about you sounded real. But talking about your family made you an actual human being to me.
This was until you broke my sister’s heart in 2011, and everything became so fucking complicated.
Joey: Oh, shit!
Picking between my sister and her ex
Akah: Imagine you breaking up with my sister just when I started to actually like you? Please, explain yourself.
Joey: That breakup was mutual, but somehow, I got labelled as the bad guy. Someone would think I cheated or did something bad. We just ran out of fuel.
Akah: And you couldn’t queue and refuel your relationship at NNPC?
Joey: I knew you’d say something stupid. I remember thinking, “Bruh, Akah is going to hate me now”. It was the first consequence I actually thought of when we were breaking up.
Akah: Then you should’ve stayed together for me. I was pissed when she told me sha. I was angry to see her in pain, but I was also mad that I would lose a friendship I hadn’t even wanted in the first place. Then I felt guilty because my sister had just ended a three-year relationship, and instead of me to ginger and go beat the guy up, I was worried about him too.
Joey: You actually love me, man. It’s cute.
Akah: No, I don’t. I was being a nice guy. But I also knew we couldn’t hang out or talk to each other for a while, so I avoided your calls and texts for about a month after the breakup.
Joey: I was so angry. It felt like I was being punished, and I actually wasn’t going to talk to you again, but all that anger disappeared when you texted me asking if you could come to watch a game at my place. I had to stop coming to your place because of her. We could hang out anywhere but there.
Akah: I had to let things calm down and have my sister confirm it was okay before I contacted you. It was the right thing to do. She wasn’t completely fine with our friendship, but she knew we had our thing separate from her.
Joey: It was tricky, but our friendship was worth it. I’d lost a relationship I’d invested in. I wasn’t about to lose a friend too.
She’s married now, and you like her husband (not as much as me, though), so we can see it all worked out. Or would you have preferred if she married me?
Akah: Imagine me walking her down the aisle then coming over to stand behind you as your best man? That sounds like stress, bro.
Coming through for one another
Akah: We’ve been friends for over ten years now. I can’t begin to pinpoint a time you came through for me.
Joey: So I’m a shitty friend?
Akah: You come for me a lot. That sounds wrong. Oh, yes, you come through for me a lot.
Joey: Even I was like, “I do what now?”
I know a moment I’ll pick, and that’s in 2020, when you made me your son’s godfather. I know it’s just bants in Nigeria, but that level of trust mattered to me. I’m unmarried and don’t have kids, so it’s like you made me a dad without having to pay school fees or feed the child daily. It’s the best blessing I could ask for.
Akah: We can change it anytime, so keep saying rubbish.
What holds our friendship together?
Akah: My therapist, for sure. I need somewhere to dump all your wahala when you’re done with me. It’s expensive, but it works.
Joey: Thank her for me. Trust is what holds our friendship together. I know you have my back, and I want to believe you know I have yours too.
I want you to know
Joey: My mood automatically gets better every time I think about you. You’re the human version of drugs because you always have a way of making everyone around you feel better. It’s even more beautiful because you’re not doing it intentionally to get them to like you. It’s just your thing. I think that makes you an incredible person.
Akah: I agree, but I’m not a drug IJN (Amen). I’m really proud of how open you’ve become over the years. You’ve moved from someone who’d joke about a situation instead of addressing it. Humour is great, but sometimes, sitting in or addressing your other emotions is good. I’m glad you’ve learnt a lot from me, and I’ve made you a better man. I’m so proud of myself on your behalf.
Joey: LOL. You’re a clown, and that’s why I keep you around.
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What if I said you could be in your 20s, but deep down, you’re a 40+ man? To allow this math to math properly in your brain, I’ve researched and come up with a list of activities that are synonymous with 40+ men. If you do at least three of these things, maybe it’s time to start being intentional about your pension.
Play tennis
If playing tennis on a Saturday morning is your idea of relaxing or getting a good workout, then I hate to break it to you, but you’re a 40+ man. Unless your name is Roger Federer, there’s no excuse for this grandpa behaviour. I bet you wear all white and scream, “Thank you, Lord”, after each serve.
Watch movie marathons on AfMag Yoruba, Igbo or Family
Please, don’t deny it; you live for those moments on Saturday when you can finally catch up on all your favourite Nollywood movies on Africa Magic. You open a bottle of beer, grab some chin-chin or fried fish and watch for the first 20 minutes before dozing off. If we do some extra digging, there’s a high chance you’re still following Tinsel.
Go to church committee meetings
Your youth evaporates from your body the moment you start willingly attending weekend meetings to plan bazaars, harvests and revivals. This is the first step in the religious 40+ ladder. Before you know it, you’re staying behind for small meetings after Sunday service, and the real youths are calling you Daddy Shola even though you have no offspring of your own.
Read the newspaper
You buy an actual newspaper made out of… paper? Wow. What happened to Google news updates or any form of online media? As if that’s not enough, you still spend hours solving the crossword puzzles in them. Don’t deny nature; you’re an older man on the inside.
Go to any place with “Country Club” in its name
You know you’re officially 40+ when you start swapping night clubs for daytime trips to country clubs to receive fresh air, eat suya and drink beer. Your bones can’t handle the gragra of partying all night, but you don’t want to leave the “club” scene, so you make a compromise. We see you, Daddy.
You’re still on Facebook? We don’t even have to get into this. You’re already old, Sir. Can I get you some Aboniki for your joints?
Fight with your carpenter, electrician or plumber
Fighting with your mechanic or tailor is fine; we all do that. But the moment you graduate to the carpenter, electrician and plumber, then omo, you’re really invested in your surroundings. People say, “With age comes more responsibility”, and supervising Tiamiyu while he checks the pipe in the guest bathroom is the responsibility they’re referring to.
Compose WhatsApp BCs
Sending out BCs and spreading misinformation are signs you’re crossing over into the 30+ lane. But trust me, the moment you start composing your own BCs days before you drop them like a surprise Beyoncé album, then my good sir, you’ve left 30+ behind and should be hanging out with RMD, Frank Edoho and Femi Otedola.
Watch the news
It’s one thing to check the news online, but sitting in front of the TV all weekend to watch CNN and Al-Jazeera is a bit extra. Think about it, the only thing that differentiates you from your dad is that his own is NTA news with Eugenia Abu and Cyril Stober.
Rest
Rest? The young and agile don’t know that word. What we know is, “We go again”. Why are you resting on the weekend like you carried cement throughout the week? Like Saro in Anikulapo will say, “Gbera di de!”
Nigerian men are famous for these things, and as a Nigerian man myself, I’m here to help you break free from them. 2023 is a new year, so as men, we must adopt a “New Year, new me” mentality and avoid some of these weird habits.
Why are you wearing skinny jeans that aren’t allowing your crowned jewels to breathe in big 2023? We cancelled skinny jeans in 2022, so I’d appreciate it if men got the memo to avoid looking like Johnny Bravo in jeggings.
Saying things like “gender wars” and “agenda must agend”
The only people allowed to use phrases like “Gender wars” and “Agenda must agend” on social media are Andrew Tate and Kelvin Odanz’ disciples. Unless that’s the legacy you want to leave behind, I’d advise that you avoid chatting dust on the timeline in 2023. Tenks.
The fear of bright colours
Real men wear pink, red, yellow, orange and purple. As black men, our skin was made to wear colour, regardless of what colonisers might’ve made us believe. Wearing black all the time to look edgy and mysterious has casted. Please, step into the light and touch grass.
But if there’s one thing I need men to drop in 2022, it’s the need to set up a tripod and record everything they’re doing in the gym. When did everyone become fitness content creators? We can’t walk freely in the gym now without getting into someone’s shot. Just work out and go home.
You know that urge to say “Without me?” every time you chat with someone and they say they’re about to shower or eat? Very cringe. Please, don’t bring that razz behaviour into 2023. It might be hard, but have small shame.
Not using the “L” word with male friends
Tell your male friends you love them in 2023. Yes, you don’t have to say it for them to know you feel that way about them. But sometimes, verbal reassurance makes everyone feel so much better. Life is too short to allow patriarchy to build a wall between you and your mandem.
Driving like Vin Diesel
Just because you survived 2022 with your reckless driving doesn’t mean you’ll make it to the end of 2023 if you continue that way. Nigeria is not a film set, and you’re not part of the Fast and Furious Franchise, so learn to drive like a human being, not a cat with nine lives.
Not holding ourselves accountable for BS
We often see men either defend their male friends for awful behaviour or sit in silence as bystanders while their friends harm people around them. Well, that needs to change. If you know or see something messed up, speak up. Staying silent or encouraging bad behaviour will bite you in the bum bum one day.
Whether we want to admit it or not, men love being called “Daddy”. There’s just something about being called Daddy by someone you’re doing genital meet-and-greet with that makes you buga with vim.
But how do you get your lover to call you daddy without getting them pregnant? Let me help you.
Grow a beard
To move to Daddy status, you need a beard. Beardless men are cute, but if you want to be dangerously sexy, this is where the beard comes in. You can try any of these tips if your beard is not clicking.
Learn how to reverse and parallel park with one hand
The gworls that get it, get it. Men who can drive with one hand and do it well are just sexy AF — maybe it’s the increased danger or the illusion of being in control. I don’t really know why but it just gets everywhere wet sha.
Go bald
I’m not talking about small low-cut hair, I mean the type of baldness where people can see their reflections when they look at your head. If you don’t believe me, look at Lynxx, RMD and Banky W.
Become a billionaire
There’s nothing money cannot do. With a couple more zeros in your bank account, best believe even straight men will start calling you daddy. Money stops nonsense.
Flirt like an old man
I don’t have tips for this, but you can ask your father how he landed your mother and use the same lines on anyone you find attractive.
Start listening to Sunny Ade, KWAM1 and Osadebe
You want to be a daddy with a capital D, and you’re on TikTok doing the #kulosachallenge? Let’s be serious here. Daddy status is a state of mind, and you must musically feed your mind with the classics. Burst out the Sunny Ade vibes and complain about how the music of “this” generation isn’t hitting like it used to.
Changing your name to Daddy in a court of law is probably the fastest way to get your lover to call you by that name. Technically, it’s your real name now, so they don’t have a choice.
Start wearing trad
Get rid of the ripped jeans and oversized t-shirts and start wearing trads asaptually. Make sure you have at least three agbadas if you want to get to that Daddy status on time.
Put your lover on an allowance
If you want to replace their father, you might as well replace him financially too. Go all the way.
Always bring them breakfast in bed
I know it sounds like houseboy work, but trust me, it’ll change how your lover looks at you. By the way, try switching the food you’re giving them. Not every day, pancakes and bacon, sometimes throw in a little pap and akara or pounded yam and egusi after intense fornication so they can renew their energy.
Pay for their house rent
If you pay for your lover’s apartment, it means they’re living in their father’s house, and since you paid, you’re now their Daddy. Does it make sense, or do you need a graph for further explanation?
Last week, a friend of mine tweeted about how it made no sense for a man to chase a woman for a long period of time. But how long is too long? I asked eight Nigerian men how long a man should pursue a woman, and this is what they said.
“If you can see that she’s interested in you, keep trying until she says yes”
— Effiong, 24
As long as the man and woman are attracted to each other and she hasn’t outrightly said no, he should keep trying. No matter how long it takes. It’s not rocket science. If you can see that she’s interested in you, keep trying until she says yes.
“Keep going at it, even if it takes two years”
— Tobi, 22
If the girl is worth it, apply pressure like mad. Except she clearly defines boundaries and tells you straight up she’s not interested. If not, keep going at it, even if it takes two years. Some people are just worth the effort. It’s something I can do, depending on the girl and where she is in her life. The funny thing is, I can see her going out with other men and it won’t faze me. I’ll just stay on top of my game and keep applying pressure. That’s how much I believe in my sauce.
“If she’s not feeling you, walk away”
— Tolu, 25
Please don’t chase women. From the moment you speak to her, if she’s not feeling you, just walk away. If she’s playing hard to get, run for your life. Any woman playing “hard to get” isn’t a good person.
“If she likes me but acts funny about it, or plays hard to get, I’ll lose interest immediately”
— Prince, 26
When I like a woman, I tell her. If she shows or tells me she doesn’t feel the same way, I leave her alone. If she likes me but acts funny about it, or plays hard to get, I’ll lose interest immediately. I’m not going to chase her, because there’s no reason to do that, as she already knows I like her, and I sense that she probably likes me. Why then would she be trying to stress my life? If I really like her, I’ll make an effort to find out the reason why she’s acting that way; maybe she’s not really playing hard to get, or there may be more to it. But if it’s someone I just started liking, I’ll walk away.
“It’s not that simple”
— Kamar, 35
It’s not that simple. The answer to this question is not based on time but on progress. It can take a week or even a month before it’s clear that someone isn’t interested and you aren’t making progress. It can also take an hour. Even for someone who is interested, it can still take a long time for them to decide to be with you, even if they like you too.
Life and human beings are way too complex with different situations and principles for such an oversimplified question. A thousand different scenarios can exist.
“Don’t chase any woman for more than a year”
— Tony, 28
You shouldn’t chase a woman for more than six months. Even six months is too long. Why are you pursuing somebody for longer than that? Don’t you have a life? Okay, maybe you really like her and she has shown signs that she likes you. In this scenario, you can keep trying, but it shouldn’t go past a year. And even with that, you should be talking to other girls. I don’t even think I can go that long, but for the guys that can, please don’t chase any woman for more than a year.
“The longest time I’ve waited for an answer is a month”
— Bayo, 28
You can pursue a girl for fifty years. If she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t. You can make an effort to try to woo and impress her, but don’t do that for too long. If you’ve tried for two weeks and she hasn’t shown interest, move on. To be honest, the longest time I’ve waited for an answer is one month. It was because she wanted to be sure she was making the right decision. But we both had feelings for each other. We’ve been dating for three months.
“You don’t need more than a month to know if a girl likes you”
— Chimezie, 27
I went on a date with someone last year, and after the date, I could tell she was no longer interested. After I told her I liked her, she told me she was with someone else. After that, I locked up and moved on. I don’t think I’ve ever chased a woman. My relationships start from friendships and they grow from there. Even the person I talked about above, we’d been flirting for a bit before I even asked her out on a date.
“Don’t directly chase her for more than two weeks. If not, it can turn into harassment”
— Oscar, 26
Once I toast a babe and she doesn’t agree, I remove my hands. There’s this thing I do which I call “Sleeper Cell P”. I plant the idea to a certain point and then leave the girl alone. I go back when or if the timing is right (you’ll know when that is). If she expressly states that she isn’t interested, I leave her alone. All in all, don’t directly chase her for more than two weeks. If not, it can turn into harassment.
I was having a conversation with my friend, and at some point, he said, “If I die now, you can take my clothes.” I started to think about wills and how young men like him feel about writing them.
I spoke to seven young Nigerian men, and the first thing they all mentioned is that right now, they’ve not acquired anything, so there’s nothing to put in any will yet. Apart from that, this is what else they had to say.
“Men are more pressured to have wills and leave stuff behind compared to women”
— Kamsi*, 31
I think coming up with a will is going to be more pressure than stress. Men are more pressured to have wills and leave things behind compared to women. In our geographical context, it’s the man’s “duty”. I’ve never really seen a case where a woman leaves a will when she’s still happily married to her husband. I usually only see it when she’s a widow or a divorcee. All the work you put in in your career, as a man, is hardly ever for yourself — more for your dependents.
“I don’t want any useless long-distance family members coming to claim what isn’t theirs.”
— Danjuma*, 24
I’m in total support of writing wills. Mostly because when I die, I don’t want any useless long-distance family members coming to claim what isn’t theirs in the name of “tradition.” When my dad died, I heard stories about a lot of this rubbish, and I’m not going to stress my family with that.
“I already have my lawyers. Once I start acquiring assets, I’ll begin writing my will”
— Tobi*, 26
Writing a will is something that crosses my mind quite often. In fact, I already have my lawyers. Once I start acquiring assets, the writing begins. I learnt the importance of having a will from my friend’s dad. He once told me the story of his grandfather, who was a wealthy man, but none of the wealth got to his family. His family lost everything they had when he died because there was no will. So his dad had to start from scratch. Their family went from receiving healthcare abroad to not being able to afford shoes for school. I’d never want to put my kids through that kind of thing.
“The reason why I work so hard is because I want to leave enough for my family behind when I die”
— Ayo*, 22.
I’ve never really thought wills until now. I’d say they seem cool on paper and in movies. They mostly do what they’re supposed to, right? Distribute your assets and wealth to whomever you love — sounds fun. But then it can also be really stressful. Personally, I’m trying to die empty, and that’s why I’d like to have a will. Also, I want things to be clear to everyone so that my family doesn’t fight.
I’ve thought about my life for the long term though. And the reason why I work so hard is because I want to leave enough for my family behind when I die. I want to build generational wealth so my family won’t have to work.
Sometimes, I think about my great-great-grandfather and I’m like, “Why didn’t that man just work hard, for fuck’s sake?” I don’t want anyone thinking that about me.
“The drive to make money for me is not to leave behind, it’s to do what I can while I’m here”
— James*, 34
I’ll definitely have a will in the future. I think it’s important to have one. I’m an Igbo man; if I don’t have a will, my external family may come and try to claim things. Asides that, as a man, you’re more pressured to have one, because you’re the “breadwinner” of the family. As far as structure, men are the ones expected to have a will. The only time you hear conversations about women having wills is when it’s a single mum, a celebrity, or an extremely wealthy woman.
The drive to make money for me is not to leave behind, it’s to do what I can while I’m here. If you’re leaving assets behind, it’s for your immediate family — your wife and children. But I want to help everyone around me while I’m alive.
I know people say they don’t fear death, but I do, and writing a will makes me think of death. If God grants me good health, I’ll write one in my dying days, and everything’ll probably go to my wife and kids. But right now, I don’t like to think about it.
“It’s something you just have to do so the people you leave behind can have a soft landing.”
— Tunji*, 27
I’ve thought about having to write a will sometime in the future. To be honest, I really don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure how that’s going to go, and I’m not exactly completely sure how I feel about it. But I guess it’s something you just have to do so the people you leave behind will have a soft landing. I think it’s a necessary thing — a show of love to your loved ones. You’re telling them, “I’m still with you, and this is how I’m going to support you.”
Red flags are everywhere when it comes to relationships and dating. Some people spot it on time and run away, but others either don’t see them or ignore the red flags until it’s too late. These Nigerian men are the latter: they spotted red flags early in their relationships and still stayed.
Now, they’re sharing their experiences.
“My girl flirting with other guys keeps me on my toes”
— Aliyu, 30
When I met my girlfriend, she was with another man. The way she kept flirting with me and laughing, I thought she was single. Long story short, I “stole” her from the other guy. Now that we’re together, she’s constantly flirting with every bearded guy she meets but honestly, it’s not a problem for me.
I thrive well in the face of competition. Knowing I’m dating a girl who can leave me anytime has put me on my toes. From the sex to the dates and how I treat her, I’m always looking to impress my girlfriend. We’ve been together for three years, so I guess it’s working.
“I’m learning to live with my girl’s shitty music taste”
— Daniel, 25
My girlfriend’s favourite song is Harlem Shake. I don’t think I’ve met anyone with a worse taste in music than her. Bad music might not look like a red flag to other people, but music is an important part of my life — it’s how I try to figure out the world.
I’ve tried to put her on to good music, but she’s set in her ways, and now I have to spend the rest of my life listening to Pitbull and Paris Hilton.
“I think my girlfriend has a spiritual problem”
— Fidelis, 28
There’s a popular trope about women never knowing what they want to eat, but my girlfriend is the worst. On our first date, this babe spent about 30 minutes with the waiter trying to figure out what she wanted to order. After all the serenre, she still ate from my plate. Ma’am, you’re just getting to know me!
I ignored that red flag, and since we started dating, I don’t think this babe has confidently opened her mouth to order food. These days I order for both of us. If she doesn’t like it, she can soak garri or make Indomie.
“I’m dating someone obsessed with Instagram likes”
— Tobi, 39
I should’ve figured out my girlfriend was obsessed with social media when she deleted a picture we took together because of “lack of engagement”. As someone who generally doesn’t care for social media, I’ve always wondered why she went through so much trouble to win people’s approval, especially when she hasn’t met most of them.
We had a big fight about it and broke up about a year ago, but I realised my life without her was like eating plain white rice without any sauce. We’re back together, and I’m slowly learning to adapt to my life with her.
“My girlfriend is a thief, but I’m a thief too, so it’s fair”
— Hakeem, 24
The first time I invited my girlfriend over to spend the night, she stole my hoodie and sweatpants. I didn’t take it seriously at the time because I know stealing men’s clothes is what women do. But every time this babe comes, she always takes one shirts — even my trousers! The annoying thing is, she doesn’t allow me to wear my own clothes after she’s worn them.
Because I refuse to be cheated, I’ve started using her skincare products too. If you can steal my Fear of God hoodie, I will use your Skinceutical Vitamin C face serum as a hand cream. The bible says an eye for an eye.
“My girlfriend is passive-aggressive”
— Ikenna, 33
The biggest problem in my relationship is that my girlfriend and I never fight. We don’t even argue. Whenever something goes wrong, she gives me the silent treatment. It has been like that since we started dating, but I thought it was because she didn’t know me then. Eight months into our relationship now and nothing has changed.
I love her so much, and I’ve spoken to her about seeing a therapist. Hopefully, she agrees. I don’t know how long I can use my love for her as a blanket over this huge character flaw.
Toxic masculinity keeps getting in the way of bad bitchery, and here are 9 confessions from men to prove it.
“Saucy Santana makes me feel like a bad bitch.”
— Tobi*, 24
Whenever I listen to City Girls and Saucy Santana, I feel like a bad bitch. Their songs are empowering; they make me feel like I can take over the world. I’m also obsessed with Broadway musicals. I’m a great singer, and I learn the songs from all the musicals I watch so that I can sing along. It makes me feel as if I’m on Broadway too. I have all the songs from Hamilton on my phone.
“I can’t tell another man that he’s handsome.”
— Obi*, 39
I don’t think there’s anything I enjoy doing that I won’t admit to publicly. One thing I’ll never do, though, is tell another man that he’s fine. If I want to compliment a man, I’ll talk about his shirt, watch, or shoes. At most, I’ll say he looks nice, but the word “handsome” won’t come out of my mouth.
“I love being the small spoon.”
— Tunde*, 25
I enjoy being the small spoon a lot. If you see my woman, you’d understand. She’s thick all over and her body is really soft. Having all that softness envelop me is pure bliss. I like having her in my embrace, but nothing compares to when I’m in hers.
When my nails are painted, I feel sexy. And as long as a colour catches my eye, I’ll use it. I’ve worn, blue, black, purple and pink nails. I’m looking forward to trying more.
“I have a playlist filled with Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato songs.”
— Ibrahim*, 25
After listening to Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” album, I was inspired to come up with a playlist. In this playlist, I have songs by Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, etc. I even have the Baby Shark song on it. The playlist is basically the softest side of me. I sometimes use it to workout. Also, I’m a 6’2″ man, and I like to be the small spoon.
“I find bubble baths comforting.”
— Matthew*, 30
Bubble baths are so comforting and relaxing. I take them at least twice a week. I use that time to either reflect on my life or listen to music and read a book. They help me de-stress from the mayhem of the day or week. It feels like I’m burying all my problems deep in soap bubbles. Also, I’m learning how to crochet and really enjoying it.
“I like learning TikTok dances.”
— Musa*, 28
If my girlfriend finds out, she’ll take advantage of this. But I like recording TikTok videos, especially the ones that include dancing. When I’m bored, I often use the time to learn TikTok dances that never make it out of my bedroom.
“I loved watching Yoruba movies with my girlfriend.”
— Timmy*, 27
My girlfriend and I used to watch Yoruba movies every night, and I loved every bit of it. We always had a lot fun when doing it, and we would laugh our eyes out . We don’t do it that much anymore, because I no longer live on the island and we don’t see that often.
“Play with my hair, please”
— Akpan*, 23
I love my hair being played with. You can sell me like that. If nobody else is around to do it, I make my male friends play with my hair.
We all know building relationships can be hard AF, but you know what’s more difficult? Walking away from a relationship you’ve invested your time and energy in. Spanning across romance, career and friendships, et cetera, these men finally walked away from relationships that weren’t serving them anymore. Here are their stories:
Priye, 28
I was involved with a woman for far too long who was carrying a lot of emotional baggage from her past. She refused to take responsibility for anything and would always find a way to blame or make me feel small whenever we had issues. I subconsciously started feeling that because I’m the man, any bump in our relationship was my fault. I was deeply insecure and all her words just kept eating at me untill I felt empty. Why did I stay? I can’t tell if it’s because I truly loved her or maybe it’s because I felt unloved as a child and this was the only version I knew, either way, it wasn’t healthy.
I eventually started seeing a therapist who helped me realise that my desperate need to be loved was blinding me from my current reality. I needed to fix myself first because the truth is, If I don’t respect and love myself, how do I expect someone else to do the same? I applied for jobs outside Abuja and eventually moved to Port Harcourt because I knew if we stayed in the same city, I wouldn’t be able to break up with her for good.
Kaodili, 22
As a gay man, having homophobic parents is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you. All my life, my parents have told me that I was a mistake, an abomination. From the moment I had consciousness, I knew I was gay and to be honest, I think my parents figured it out too. I remember my mum hitting me at the slightest chance she got. I was miserable AF. My dad, on the other hand, was too disgusted to even pretend to care. He just acted like I didn’t exist. The weird thing is that they weren’t even religious. The world hating you is one thing, but having your parents treat you like shit? Man, it hits differently.
I eventually got into university in the East, far away from them. It was the first time I felt some sense of peace and belonging, especially as I found my tribe in the school. I haven’t been home since I left and honestly, I don’t think they care. I graduate in July and once that is over, I’m moving to Lagos with my friends. I used to want my parents’ approval and love, but now I know I deserve to be surrounded by people who truly see me. As for my parents, they can choke.
Wole, 33
My work is my life. I know it’s a sad thing to say, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without two large-ass desktops facing me daily. It took me three years post-university to get a permanent job that I liked. I had sent over 1,000 CVs and prayed like crazy, but nothing was happening for me. I finally got a job and while I loved what I was doing there, my boss made my life a living hell.
I remember I would wake up every day, scared shitless just thinking about what she’d do next. She would walk in like a dementor and just suck out all the air from the room. It was her man’s company, so no one dared complain about the names she’d call us or the crazy tasks she’d assign. I didn’t want to rejoin the unemployment streets so I sucked it up for as long as I could until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I resigned, and about a month later, I saw people dragging her on Twitter. It felt good to know I wasn’t crazy.
TK, 27
You know those friends who make fun of you whenever people are around, and then gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting? I had a friend just like that in my early twenties. He was the clown of the group, so everyone knew Jammal was funny AF. Being funny is one thing; being a funny asshole is a whole nother thing. He had this annoying habit of pointing out my flaws in front of other people, sometimes, even strangers. He would joke about my weight, my boring job, the fact that I lived on the mainland and just really petty things. He was a bully.
Whenever I pointed out that I wasn’t a fan of what he was saying, he would turn it around and make himself the victim, and make everyone look at me like I was a killjoy. The last straw was the day he made fun of my mum after my dad left us for another woman. The beating I gave him that day? Lord have mercy. It was brutal but deeply satisfying. You don’t talk shit about people’s mums. I still see him around town and he’s still terrified, which makes me feel good.
Hector, 35
I recently got a divorce and it’s still very hard for me to talk about it. We were married for seven years, and if I’m being honest, the first five were the best years of my life. As we got older, we just started to grow distant and it wasn’t anyone’s fault — life happens. The problem was that instead of finding a way to fix the obvious gap in our relationship, we pretended like it wasn’t there because we didn’t want to lose each other. But you can only pretend to be happy for so long before it becomes resentment. Over time, we just started treating each other like shit. We were both mean and I just hope our children didn’t notice any of it.
We eventually saw a therapist and after a while, we realised we’d be happier apart. I hate that it took us this long and that we let the fear of “what if” mess up our marriage. Sometimes, there’s nothing left to save. I still love her and we’re great friends now, but I’m truly glad we split . If not for us, then for our kids.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
As we slowly say goodbye to 2021 and brace ourselves for a new year, we decided to compile a list of some of our favorite Man Like moments of the year. From navigating fatherhood and career pivots to surviving secondary school bullies and mental health struggles, these stories cut across different parts of the male Nigerian experience.
The subject of today’s Man Like is Tunde Onakoya, a national chess master and the founder of the Chess in Slums project. He talks about a hard and poor childhood, his initially difficult relationship with his father and the impact he’s made with the Chess in Slums programme.
We all love feel-good stories that inspire us to be better and Tunde’s story happens to fit the bill. Coming from a family that could barely afford to pay his school fees, this Man Like subject has gone on to inspire and impact the lives of other young Nigerians through his Chess in Slums project.
The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Olanrewaju, the head of TC Insights — a research group that gathers data on startups in Africa, and uses the data to provide insights for stakeholders. He talks to us about the sacrifices of fatherhood, the influence of his parents in his life’s journey and what men should know before getting married.
We know diapers and school fees are very expensive at the moment, but something about Olanrewaju’s story has us ready to become someone’s daddy. Yes, we know it’s not easy, but we still want to take risk and succeed.
This week’s Man Like is Dare Aderinokun, a 34-year-old Nigerian man who went from being a banker to a bartender. He talks about making this career switch, his impostor syndrome and internal conflict around being the provider and how this change is improving his relationship with his kids.
Making a career switch from banking to bartending in your 30s is not something most Nigerians would do or encourage. However, this Man Like subject did it anyway. Here, he talks honestly about finding joy and how his decision affected the people around him, especially his children.
The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Muyiwa. He’s a writer and business mogul. He tells us why men should live intentionally, the role of friendship in his life, and his beer journeys.
It’s not every day we get to talk about male friendships. In an open conversation about accountability and navigating life, Muyiwa talks about his tribe of friends, beer-loving men who are always willing to drop everything to show up for him no matter what. Love it.
Today’s Man Like is Michael Ejoor, an actor and singer known for his roles on AfricaMagic’s Tinsel and Unbroken.In this episode of Man Like, he talks about dealing with paralysis as a child, being bullied in secondary school and how that sent him into depression, surviving a devastating suicide attempt and how his job helps him escape his problems.
Everyone was talking about bullying this year and Michael’s story is one that struck us. From his condition as a child to navigating the effects of the traumatic events he experienced in secondary school, reading this interview, I couldn’t help but appreciate Michael’s vulnerability and strength.
Today’s Man Like is Osunniyi, a 30-year old Ifá priest and the Oluwo (Chief priest) of Ile Oluwo Idingbe Temple. He discusses growing up with his grandfather, how he became the youngest-ever Oluwo at the age of 23 and the stigmatisation of traditional religions in Nigeria.
One of the standout stories for me this year, Osunniyi talks to Man Like about life as an Ifa priest, people’s reaction to his choice and how it affects his dating life. I couldn’t stop reading until I was done.
The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Desmond, a renowned writer. He talks about not fitting into the masculine stereotype, being raised by women, and how his anxiety about money pushes him.
Society places a lot on the importance of father figures, but if there’s one thing I took away from Desmond’s story, it’s that sometimes all you have are the women who inspire you and honestly, that’s fine.
Being a bisexual man in Nigeria opens you up to many questions and emotions. Some of these questions are internal ruminations interrogating who you are and what you want, while others come from a society that views your existence as the inability to make a “choice”. We spoke to five bisexual men about discovering their sexuality.
Tayo, 29
So the interesting thing is, while I had always found men attractive, I’d only dated girls. Having a thing for men in Nigeria is not only “shameful”, it’s very dangerous. Like, lose-your-life level of danger. Knowing this, I pushed my attraction down for the longest time because I was scared. However, in 2012, out of boredom and having met a couple of queer guys, I went on the gay hookup site Grindr. I found a guy, invited him over, and we had sex. Even though it was confusing and chaotic the first time, I really enjoyed it. I didn’t want to hook up with the queer guys I knew because what if I was wrong or things got messed up? Anyway, I have a girlfriend now, but I’m still trying to muster up the courage to tell her. I’m scared she’d either think I’m gay or that I just want to be sleeping with everyone. Women are already scared you might cheat on them with other women — imagine adding men to the mix.
Brian, 25
I like to say I knew I liked boys from the day I was born. The first person I ever found attractive in primary school was a boy, and it had always been that way up until my final year of university when I came out to a couple of people that I was gay. But in my final year, I realized I had a thing for this girl I used to have study sessions with. I told myself I liked her in a “Hey girlfriend!” way, but I found myself thinking of her and jerking off. . I finally told her how I felt. She liked me too, so we hooked up. It was great and we continued for like a year after school. These days, I hook up with both men and women, sometimes at the same time. It took me a while to tell my gay day ones sha, because in some way, it felt like a betrayal to the gay community, like I wasn’t part of the inner circle anymore. It stings that I can’t connect with them about this part of my life, but they are doing their best and I accept that. Hopefully, with time, they’ll get it. But until then, I’m living my life to the fullest. bi and proud!
Josh, 28
I found out I was bi after I got invited into someone’s marriage by way of a threesome. So I had been hooking up with the wife because they had an open thing, but I never really knew what her husband looked like because we were trying to keep things as casual as possible. On the day, she invited me over and her husband was there. I had never hooked up with a guy or described a guy as sexy until I met this man with his salt and pepper beard. After a couple of drinks, we got into it and I f*cked both of them. I was already a very sexual person before my first experience, so I figured if I was a hoe with women, why couldn’t I be a hoe with men? People think bisexual women are intriguing but when it’s men, they must be confused? Me, I don’t care. I still meet up with the couple once in a while; sounds cliché, but they opened my eyes to what I’d been missing.
[newsletter]
Uche, 25
People think bisexual men are greedy sluts, men going through a phase, or men with internalized homophobia. I believe all these assumptions are bloody lies. Why? I’m none of those things. I even wish I had the energy to actually be slutty. I don’t know how I knew, but I’d always felt an attraction to both sexes. Typically, as a Nigerian, my first relationship was with a lovely girl. It was good and we were happy. After that, I dated another girl before I relocated to the UK and found my current boyfriend. A lot of people assume I only started dating a guy because I moved to London. Well, yes and no. Yes, because here I can hold my man’s hand and go grab coffee. And no, because I had always found men attractive, I just didn’t find one willing to commit openly back in Nigeria. I also wasn’t ready to date someone in secret, if I love you, I want to love you loudly and freely.
Olusola, 22
I had always thought I was gay. Because I had a preference for men, I did my best to invalidate my attraction toward women. I thought I was losing my “gayness” and conforming to society. I felt like I had to pick one because it didn’t occur to me for a very long time that I’m just bi. I’m a virgin so I haven’t exactly had penetrative sex with either of the two, but I don’t think sex validates attraction. I’m also tired of the questions: “Are you more into men than women?”; “Who will you end up with?”; “Is it a phase?”; and my personal favorite, “Are you sure you’re not gay and in denial?”. My answer to all of these questions is that my life is nobody’s business.
Yes, we get it, leg day is scary. So many things could go wrong on this dreaded day, from your legs giving way mid-workout to your shorts ripping to reveal your bum while you’re dropping it low mid squat. But the truth is, with going to the gym, random accidents can happen regardless of what you’re working on. Then there are the men who see the squat rack and immediately think to themselves, “But what do I need a big booty for?”, Well, while doing lunges might give you a big booty (nothing bigger than what God planned by way of genetics), training your legs, in general, does a lot more than that. Did you know your gluteus maximus a.k.a your booty is the biggest muscle group in your body? Not those rock-hard abs or bulging biceps, it’s your behind!
With this in mind, we’ve compiled 5 reasons you shouldn’t skip leg day. Read and be blessed.
It helps you build more muscles….all over
There’s a common misconception that working on your legs only builds, well, your legs. However, this isn’t the case. While your legs might be the primary focus, these moves also engage several other muscle groups. For instance, when you squat, you have to tighten your core, which in turn works your abs. Then there’s the scientific evidence which shows that performing leg-focused exercises increases your testosterone levels, increasing your muscle mass and your performance in the bedroom. Yes, that too!
You get to burn more calories
Remember we mentioned legs being the biggest muscle group? Well, to work on a muscle group like that, you’d need a lot of energy, which means your body will have to burn more calories. Talk about practical magic – the more you train legs, the better your metabolism works and the more calories you burn. Running up and down like your enemies are chasing you is a good way to burn calories, but let’s suggest mixing it up with some squats, lunges, and deadlifts. You’ll thank us for this combo.
You perform better at other exercises
Once your legs are in top shape, chances are you’ll find it easier to perform other routines. From running to lifting heavy weights, your legs are the foundation of every move you make. If you avoid training legs, your strength at the gym will be limited, and in this tough economy, we’re sure you don’t want to waste your gym subscription.
You don’t want to look like Johnny Bravo
We all know those guys in the gym, the ones who strut around the weights room, invisible from the waist down. Yeah, trust us when we say you don’t want to be that guy.
Working on your legs reduces your chances of getting injured
Ever blown your back out in the gym? It’s nothing like the sexual version, trust us. You should know that lower back pain is oftentimes caused by weak muscles, particularly weak legs. Strengthen your leg muscles, bruh.
The next time you walk into the gym and think squatting is a “women’s” thing, think again. Also, what’s wrong with a man having a booty?
Take a second, think deeply, and ask yourself: how many times have you been completely honest when answering the question “How are you?” The truth is, our regular responses to this question tend to be reflex answers, not sincere ones. So think again; if you’re doing this, chances are, your guys are probably doing it too.
With the world (and Nigeria in particular) constantly moving mad, we need to check on each other beyond social media bants. Here are five ways to intentionally check up on the men in your life.
Hit them up with something they’re interested in: As we said before, “how are you?” has casted. One of the best ways to truly gauge how your friend is feeling is by having general, everyday conversations with them. You know what he likes, right? DM him memes that get him going, ask his thoughts about something he’s passionate about, send him Twitter beef; basically, try to make the conversation as normal as possible. From the flow of your conversation, you might be able to tell if something is up, which allows you to ask about his well being without it feeling like an ambush.
Create time to see them in person: So many times we’ve sent texts and the receiver either exaggerated or downplayed our feelings because, well, they can’t see us. While your friend might text you back that he’s “good,” it would be harder to lie to you in person. Call him up and tell him you’re bringing food over (almost always works), ask to borrow his gamepad, offer to buy him drinks, just make sure you’re able to hang out with him. During your time together, you might just pick up on something a text wouldn’t have shown you.
Don’t be afraid to open up first: It is safe to assume that we are all going through it at the moment. One way or the other, life is showing us pepper. Another surefire way to get your friend to open up is by opening up yourself. It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone who looks like they have their shit together. So let your friend know you’re struggling too, no matter how small you think that struggle is. However, it’s important not to do too much that you forget why you’re there in the first place. Your friend could see you in a new light and feel compelled to share.
Listen. You don’t always have to offer a solution: So he has opened up to you, what next? It’s human nature to immediately start offering advice, but remember, sometimes all people need is someone to listen to them. Giving him what you assume to be a solution might just make matters worse (unless you’re sure as hell that your plan is solid). The best thing to do is listen, tell him you understand (even if you don’t, yet), and reassure him that he has your support. Don’t be extra or over the top. To feel heard and understood helps validate someone’s experiences and feelings, so the best way to react might be not to offer advice or opinions unless specifically asked.
Give them space, but remind them you’re there: If there’s one thing men hate, is the feeling of suffocation. You can’t force someone to open up to you; they may be working on it in their own way. Also, sometimes men just don’t want to talk about their mental health. The important thing is that you stick around and maintain an open channel so they’ll find you when they’re ready to talk.
We know it’s hard to do all of these things while dealing with your personal shit. But the truth is if we don’t look out for our mandem, who will?
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Uche Uba aka Vcheba, a designer, stylist and fashion illustrator. He talks about growing up the youngest of six children, how he deals with the different reactions to his style and his two cents on how to be a man.
Tell me about your childhood?
I am the last child in a family of six; however, I grew up a bit lonely because there was a massive age gap between myself and my siblings. I was way too young to offer them anything. Either way, I enjoyed my own company and was super close to my mum. She wasn’t super strict, and I could talk to her about some things. She was still traditional though, and sometimes it was difficult to discuss certain issues with her. Like the time I was molested in boarding school, it wasn’t something I could run and talk to her about. She’s still everything to me even though our relationship has gotten a little distant since I became an adult.
Do you want to talk about boarding school?
Sure. I was really small and fragile which made me an easy target back then. Physical abuse made up the bulk of my experience. There was sexual abuse too. Everyone had some story about a senior calling them to a corner and touching them inappropriately. We didn’t know what to call it because it didn’t feel aggressive. There was something about knowing you were not the only one that made it a little bit bearable. I didn’t know how much damage it caused until I started experiencing certain trauma responses down the line.
Want to talk about that?
I’ve had issues with trust and anxiety. After school, I found it hard to be in a space with more than five grown men I wasn’t familiar with. And it’s wild because you don’t immediately link it to your past, but your body just subconsciously knows that this could end badly, so just avoid it. I try to be attentive to myself, so when these things happen, I try to trace them back to their roots.
How do you deal with this trauma?
You never get over it. I don’t dwell on it anymore, but I still remember it. I’m glad that I worked through mine in a way I can finally have open conversations about it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. So, in this day and age, what does being a man mean to you?
I don’t think there’s one way to be a man. If you identify as a man, you’re a man. Society tries to pressure us to present ourselves in a very rigid way, but the beauty of humanity lies in our differences. I’ve had people ask me I’m non-binary because of my style, but I’m not. These questions tend to pop up the moment you dress or act differently. There is space for everyone to show their versions of manhood. For me, being a man is living in truth and owning my decisions. But deviating from the norm in a place like Nigeria can be dangerous.
Dangerous?
I’ve been attacked by police and touts several times. I once took a Bolt ride and the driver asked me to come down when he saw my acrylic nails. At this point, I don’t think anyone’s opinion of me threatens the essence of who I am.
Does your family have any issues with how you present yourself?
I make compromises when I’m visiting my family. It’s not like I wear acrylic nails 365 days in a year. There are days when I’m at home and there’s nothing on, so if I can do that in my house, then it shouldn’t be an issue taking them off when I visit them. But they know the way I dress and there are times when they have expressed their reservations, but it has never really been a big deal. Also, they are from a different generation so the way we dress as young adults will always be strange to them.
We’ve touched on the negatives. Have there been positive reactions to your style?
Yes! People come up to me to tell me that they’re really shy and scared, but seeing me inspires them to fully be themselves. It’s wild when I think about it. I’m just me. Despite everything happening in this country, I don’t know how to be anyone else but me.
[newsletter]
I’m curious. How do you manage your mental health?
This is a constant journey. There’s a stigma surrounding mental health, so I’ve found a way to talk to people about what I’m going through without being direct. Therapy is not cheap! I know it’s not the healthiest way because I need to be honest about my struggles, but as I said, I’m working on it.
Do you think men get the short end of the stick when it comes to mental health conversations?
Yes. As men there’s a perception of us where we’re supposed to be strong “alpha” males. And this is a perception that we continue to feed. While we ask society to be more open to these conversations about men and mental health, we also need to cultivate a habit of communicating how we feel. We need to make the first step.
What’s one misconception people have about men that needs fixing?
I would say the idea that men should be strong. I don’t think there should be any shame in being a softer person. There should be space for everybody. Men don’t have to be anything.
As we continue to evolve, what’s one thing we should leave behind?
I want us to move past thinking that equality is a threat to who we are or our livelihood.
What would you say is your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is somewhere in between not reaching my goals and being left behind. I want to be successful and renowned in my field. I’m also scared of dying unexpectedly because it’s the one aspect of my life I can’t control. I once saw a truck run into a man’s car and I’m sure he didn’t wake up thinking he’d die that day. If I’m dying, I want to know I’m dying.
What motto do you live by?
There’s no time for regret. If it has happened, it has happened. Regret is not the same thing as reflecting.
What does happiness look like to you?
A safe space. I feel like I have this sometimes, but there are days where I don’t feel that way. It’s definitely a work in progress.
Going bald unexpectedly can be incredibly shocking. One minute you have a hairbrush and everything is fine. And then, just like yesterday’s fried rice, everything turns sour, and you have to donate your hairbrush to charity. It sucks! Although we have been groomed to see hair as everything — I mean, there’s a reason it’s called “Good hair day” and not “Good nose day” — a lot of men are coming to terms with the fact that their hairlines will never return from war. Some are confident that with their beard, they might be able to pass for a young Lynxx, while others are scared that their vase-like heads will have them looking like Lord Voldermort. We caught up with 4 Nigerian men on going bald in their early twenties and finding hope in a barren land.
Osione, 27
Omo, I’m still traumatized! My hair loss started from the middle of my head, and with thick hair surrounding a massive hole, my head looked and felt like a football stadium. I tried to hack it for a while, but what can you do when nature decides to show you pepper? I’m not a part of team #BeardGang so the whole process was pretty daunting for me, as I was worried I would look like a baby. Anyways, one day I gave up and cut it all off. Enough was enough. Because I’m a gym rat, I don’t look like a baby. People think I’m a bouncer, and one chick told me I could pass for a dark-skinned Vin Diesel. Then again, women lie a lot when they want to smash.
Kunle, 24
I always tell people my hairline packed up and left like a thief in the night. I can’t even remember the year or how it happened. All I know is that I was at the barbershop one day and the barber was really struggling to “carve” my hairline. He looked like he was in distress writing a further math exam or something, so I just told him to shave it all off. The look of relief on his face was the confirmation I needed to leave my struggle hair behind.
These days, my bald head has become my signature look. I can’t even imagine myself with hair because it would probably look like one of those filters on the internet. It’s amazing when you actually feel cold water touching your head. By the way, I changed barbers sha. My old barber struggling with my hair was indicative of his limited skills, and even though that didn’t matter to me anymore, I only want the best of the best touching my head.
Clinton, 29
I love being bald! Do you know how nice it is not to bother about what haircut you’re going to get next? We act like we don’t care about these things but just like women, our hair is important to us. If not, why would you spend almost forty minutes getting a “shape up”?
For some people, it’s their hairline taking one or two steps back. In my case, it started when I turned 20 and began noticing bald spots on my head. It looked like rats were feasting on my hair while I slept. By the time I noticed the third spot, I went to see my barber and he cut everything off. Did I mention that girls love my bald head? They like to kiss and rub it like it’s one of those magic 8-balls, and I like it too. It’s therapeutic for all involved.
Caleb
I started losing my hair at 14 and by 17, it became really noticeable as my forehead had become prominent, and my hairline had receded seriously on both sides. I grew up with really black and curly hair, so it felt like I was losing something central to my persona. Have I accepted it? – Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Losing your hair, like a lot of other life events, is a huge change. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to talk about it. Sometimes I’m angry that it happened, and other times, I’m angry that it happened so early. I’m lucky I have a full beard, so it fits perfectly. But would I change it if I had the chance? Yes, I definitely would.
Getting a man’s name tattooed on your body as a show of love is a very questionable thing, except he’s dead of course and you got the tattoo to immortalize him. However, if you want to get a man’s name tattooed on your body simply because you love him, we’ll need you to sit back and think of your action.
Here are some serious questions to ask yourself before tattooing a man’s name on your body.
1. Is everything alright at home?
You need to be sure everything is fine on the homefront before you proceed. Do your parents love you, do you have spiritual problems, do you need to get delivered from spiritual problems you have no hand in? Those are some of the things you need to know. You can also ask your parents some of those questions to be sure everything is fine at home.
2. Is the name biblical?
Let the name atleast be biblical and by biblical, we don’t mean a name in the Bible. No, we mean a name that can be turned into a Bible passage, like Matthew.
3. Do you not like your body?
You are a beauty and a spec and you don’t need his name on your body to confirm that. Even if you don’t like your body, that man’s name on it won’t make it better.
4. Are you ready to endure the disgrace?
First and foremost, the disgrace is going to be plenty, very very plenty and it’s probably going to make you a story woman. Are you ready to explain to one million people why you have a man’s name on your body even though you no longer talk to him? Think about it.
5. Is the name fanciful enough?
Please note, I am not talking about names like Tunde, Tunji or Chukwudi [sorry to men with those names]. Is the name atleast fancy enough with a good meaning? If not, kindly abort the mission.
6. How common is the name?
A common name is a good option, you can walk down the road and find another man with that name to date. Names like Kunle, Tobi and Femi are good options here, not Alexandria.
7. Why you don’t love yourself.
If you truly love yourself enough, you won’t get a man’s name tattooed on your body. If you truly love yourself, you won’t date men, but that’s another conversation.
8. Do you like the name enough to claim it’s yours?
When the love fails and your foolishness is staring you in the face, would you like the name enough to claim it’s yours? Very unlikely.
I recently got a purse and it’s been the most gloriously convenient thing, ever. In fact, I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner. I think every person should have one, to hell with gender. The best part is, they come in different shapes and sizes so you can just pick the one that suits you. Here are 5 reasons why men should start carrying purses.
1. You can hide snacks there.
You know those moments when you wish you had a snack to munch on as your stomach is growling? One purse solves all of that. You can put biscuits, sweets, cookies or even swallow if you’re feeling adventurous.
2. It’s convenient af.
The average guy has to carry his phone(s), wallet, earbuds case, glasses/sunshades, keys, power bank, charger, chapstick, facemask and sometimes a mobile mi-fi. Are we really expected to fit all these things inside the two pockets of our chinos? Men need purses too.
3. It’s stylish
The right purse can take you from basic Bayo to stylish Stephen. Pairing a purse with your outfit is a look for days.
4. People will think you have money.
Carrying a purse makes you look like you just finished having a meeting with Otedola. It’s a yes for me.
5. It shows that you’re a man of taste.
A man who doesn’t care about gender norms, is prepared with his arsenal of items in his purse and you’re stylish? What’s not to love?
Lads, these women have been enjoying these skirts and seriously tried to keep the secret of casual fashion away from the men, leaving us with those hot, uncomfortable, crotch-grabbing trousers and shorts we’re stuck with. In the next few paragraphs, we’re going to lay out my reasons why we think men should wear skirts.
1. Ventilation.
As I first put on the skirt, the feeling of relief washed over my nether regions and I sighed deeply as the room’s AC cooled my boxered bottoms. 10/10 will recommend.
2. It’s sexy af.
All that long legs in a short skirt, my legs were showing TF off. Ashewo mode for real.
3. It’s never been easier to pee.
Just reach beneath, slide your boxers to the side and let it rip.
4. Great running.
I could do leaps and bounds while I was wearing that skirt.
5. Perfect for combat.
If there is any need for a fight, you can just lift it up so you can free your legs to face your adversary.
6. Our forefathers wore wrappers.
And we all know that wrappers are just skirts that studied in the village.
One in three men will suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives. Only a third of these men will seek help for this condition. In Nigeria, men often opt for orthodox and traditional sexual enhancers to treat erectile dysfunction. I spoke to 4 men about their experiences with sexual enhancers.
Deji
2020 was a very stressful year for me, perhaps even the worst year of my life. I was dealing with work stress and other issues in my personal life, combined with the COVID-19 pandemic and the ensuing lockdown. Because of these, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Along with therapy sessions, my therapist prescribed ant-depressants. One of the side effects of that brand of anti-depressants was a loss of libido and difficulty ejaculating. Man, it was not funny at all.
I found it difficult to get and maintain erections when I wanted to have sex. When I managed to get hard, I couldn’t cum. I complained to my doctor, he suggested that I shouldn’t take the antidepressants until after sex. This worked initially, but it restricted the timing of my sex. I complained again and he suggested that I take a pill of Viagra just before sex, assuring me that it was perfectly normal for men in my situation to use it. I was hesitant because no man wants to feel like his equipment is not firing properly.
Using it really helped my erection, delayed my orgasms and boosted my performance generally. I wonder why it doesn’t get talked about more often and why more men with erection issues don’t use it. It’s been a year since I started using antidepressants and I’m happy that I’m getting better. I’m even getting weaned off my meds to see if my brain can cope without them. My erections now occur organically, without any enhancers and I’m back to my pre-medication abilities. Still, I don’t shy away from popping a pill when I think the session could do with an extra push.
Morufu
I started looking for a sexual enhancer when I realised I suffered from premature ejaculation. I had just got into a relationship with someone new and I wanted to impress her, as per first impression. I bought 100mg of viagra from a pharmacy.
When I used it, it didn’t give make me extra hard nor did it give me an erection after ejaculation. However, I noticed that my recovery period between ejaculation and a second erection reduced from 20 minutes to about 15 minutes.
I also suffered side effects, like a headache that lasted till the next day. I concluded that sexual enhancers just don’t work for me.
Dumebi
Out of curiosity, I took the popular burantashi, a herbal medicine just before sex. All it did was irritate my urethra and gave me the urge to pee. It also caused me to produce a lot of precum. It didn’t give me a better erection or make me hornier.
Tunde
When my wife first got pregnant, I discovered that I couldn’t get or maintain an erection. So I bought a brand of viagra from a drugstore. The pharmacist told me to take one pill, but I have coconut head and I really wanted to get the erection of my glory days back, so I took two at a time. Boy, what a bad idea that was!
I got aroused, but from there on, my problems had just begun. I kept thrusting for minutes on end but I couldn’t cum. My dick was hard but it felt dead. No sensation, no orgasm, just hardness and vibes. It would go down anytime she came and we stopped and rested but then it would get hard again. This lasted for about two days and I had to call a doctor friend to save my life. He advised that I eat meals with heavy fat content in order to slow down my metabolism. I was swallowing egusi and pork meat like my life depended on it.
I haven’t used it since then, and my erections are back to normal. It just turned out that my body needed time to adjust sexually to my wife’s pregnant body. Our sex life pretty much amped up after that. I’m never going to mess with viagra again.
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People usually think skincare is feminine and a very stressful thing to do. Thing is, everybody should take care of their skin. And there are a few basic things you can do to make your skin healthier.
1. Do NOT use the same towel you use on your body on your face
The same towel you used to clean your armpit, ass crack and balls is what you want to put on your face? If you don’t fear your face, at least fear God.
2. Don’t wash your face with sponge, I beg you in the name of God
Is it jeans that is on your face? Why are you using a sponge to scrub it like it’s a carpet? Pls, only use soap and your hands on your face, it’s enough.
3. Invest in a cleanser and toner
A simple cleanse, moisturize and protect with sunscreen, would save your skin from looking like you just came back from war. If you’re feeling little extra, you can add a hydrating or soothing toner. Let your skin start popping.
4. Don’t pick at your pimples
Sorry o. Dr. Pimple Popper. Any small pimple, you’ll start pressing it like it’s owing you money. Stop it. Let it go. You’re just adding more bacteria to your face and might even leave permanent scars on your face. Exercise patience, my g.
5. Stop touching your face all the damn time
Think about your day. You’ll touch phones, germs. Touch table, germs. Touch laptop, germs. Touch surfaces that people who haven’t washed their hands in 2 days. You’ll now carry that hand and touch your face. Haba. Have mercy on your poor face, which is the most sensitive skin on your body. Make a habit of not touching your face, make bad skin no touch you. If you have to, wash your hands first.
6. Always. Moisturize. Your. Lips
Your lips are like the third thing people notice on you, so it’s best to keep them healthy and fresh. Drink lots of water and always have a lip balm handy to apply on your lips, especially if you smoke. Don’t let your lips look like you use them to sweep.
7. Moisturise ALL of your body
We know you’ve done it before. You’ll think “Nobody can see this place, cloth has covered it, so no need to cream.” No, bro. Wherever your hand can reach, cream it. So that when you bend over in public to tie your shoelace, you won’t assault everybody with an ashy buttcrack.
8. Chief, oil your beard
Your beard deserves some love too. It’s not everytime your beard will look dry or like it’s about to turn to dreadlocks. Use oil like castor, argan oil, jojoba oil and watch your beard starts looking luscious.
The scariest moment in a young man’s life is when he asks a romantic interest out for the first time. A lot of things run through his mind before he convinces himself that the worst response he’ll get is a “no”. For some guys though, they find out that there are things worse than “no”. I spoke to five Nigerian men about the first time they asked someone out.
Tea
It was my second year in uni and I was classmates and good friends with this girl. I wanted to ask her out in grand style because it was my first real relationship. I had the whole event planned out — the location, the outfit and my proposal. I wrote a whole speech about why dating me was a good idea, how we’re going to be a different couple, how her cousins and our mutual friends already think we’ll make a good pair, how our personalities complement each other and many other things. She was older and more mature so I knew I had to outdo all the other guys toasting her.
After executing the perfect proposal, I asked her to think about it and respond when she was ready. She immediately replied that she doesn’t need time to think about it and she doesn’t want to keep me waiting. She thought we’d be better off as friends rather than lovers.
I was shocked and devastated. All my weeks of planning went down the drain. I spent the next 17 months trying to convince her or understand her reasons but she never budged. In that time, I missed out on two potentially great relationships all because I was stuck on her. It was even harder to move on because we spent at least 8 hours a day together in med school. After I dropped out, I met someone new and started dating.
Eight years have passed and we’re still friends.
Bryan
When I was in SS3, I had this giant crush on this babe. Everyone knew because I don’t know how to hide my emotions. One day, my friends gingered me to ask her out. So I went to sit with her and I blurted that I had feelings for her. She said, “Aww, that’s so sweet, but you’re like a brother to me.” I think I still have a small crush on her, even though it’s been over a decade.
Olu
My first time? It was horrible. I was in secondary school, and in hindsight, I was very shy and wasn’t very good-looking. Back then, when I wanted to talk to someone, I’d practice my conversation ahead and anticipate what the other person would say. When I asked her out, she said, “And why would I do that?”
I froze and started stuttering because I hadn’t seen that coming. I started saying nonsense about giving it a chance. She just rolled her eyes and continued reading her social studies note. That’s the first time I wanted to die. The embarrassment was too heavy. I didn’t ask anybody out for 3 years after that.
When I think of her rejection, it makes me smile. She was such a no-nonsense babe and it was so hot. I’m grateful that rejection happened because it helped my conversation planning get better.
Tomiwa
I was in primary school and had a crush on a girl in secondary school. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when I walked up to her and asked her out. It was cute af and I was pretty shy but she was super encouraging. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she was gonna think about it. It was a Friday so I spent the weekend just on the edge. Monday came along and we met up and she answered me with a kiss. She was my first of many baddies.
Kenny
I wrote her a cute note, as per the writer that I am. I wasn’t scared because I knew the chances of her saying no was very low. She said she’d think about it and I was lost and confused because I had never heard people say they wanted to think about a proposal. One night, when I was going to my hostel, she pulled me aside and said yes.
In today’s society, everyone has an opinion about what it means to really be a “man”. Whatever those opinions are they end up doing more harm than good, seeing as 75% of suicide victims are men. Here are some of the ridiculous ways society thinks you should act like a man.
1. Never cry.
As society assumes men don’t have tear ducts, we’re not allowed to cry. If you cry, you’ve lost your men’s membership card. People would say, “don’t cry now, are you not a man?” As per men don’t have tears inside their eyes or what? Better cry before you give yourself BP. It’s a great outlet.
2. Be aggressive
Sorry o, Mighty Igor. Kung-fu master. More times than not, you end up looking foolish.
3. Never share your problems with anyone
They want you to keep your problems in your chest and as we all know, problem no dey finish. What do you think will happen to your chest?
4. Sleep with more women to seem manly
Sleeping with women not because you want to but because you want another “feather in your cap” is childish. Love yourself. That’s how people catch venereal diseases.
5. Cover up for your bros when they’ve fucked up
Don’t encourage nonsense. Call out bad behaviour when you see it.
6. Don’t take care of your body
Being a man is no reason not to maintain basic hygiene and skincare. Your masculinity does not lie in your ashiness. Moisturize today.
7. Don’t be involved in taking care of your home/kids
Society expects the job of home-keeping and child-raising to be women’s jobs. When it’s your turn, try and do better.
Evil Nigerian women are like little devils, roaming around, looking for whom to devour. Thanks to Momsy’s prayers, you have managed not to fall into the grasp of evil Nigerian women. If you have, my condolences to you. May affliction not rise a second time. If it had already risen a second time, you need to check yourself. This is how to recognise and avoid a wicked Nigerian woman.
1. If she’s Igbo, Edo or Ondo, she’s a wicked Nigerian woman.
Even the devil is afraid of these women. If you don’t want to cry hot boiling tears (with catarrh for bonus), avoid them.
2. Avoid short women
Short women are close to the devil so they are usually the first to receive instruction from him. Avoid them before they carry out his instructions on you.
3. If she has a big forehead.
What do you think they store in that big headspace? It’s wickedness. My brother, run oh.
4. If she eats from your plate, she’s a wicked Nigerian woman.
If she really is a good person, would she really be eating your food from your plate? Does she really want you to be well-fed? If your woman eats from your plate, you know what that means. Wickedness.
5. If she steals your clothes
She might try to pretend that it’s all love, but she really wants you to end up naked. The Bible says “Flee from all appearances of evil.”
Tunde is paying for her Netflix. Itoro is paying for her Spotify. Charles is paying for her Amazon Prime. Ejiro is paying for her Disney Plus. Anita is paying for her Hulu but you think she’s your babe? You’re playing with fire.
7. If she bullies you
If she’s a bully, do I even need to tell you?
8. If she watches movies and shows on her phone
A woman that would rather watch movies on her phone than a TV or laptop? There’s something wrong somewhere. Sounds like the machinations of the devil.
9. If she stresses you
Anybody that stresses you wants to give you high blood pressure and end your life. Run from a wicked Nigerian woman today.
This kind of man only dates women who look like, talk like and act like his mother. Whenever you hang out, he brings his mother into every single conversation. You can even turn it into a drinking game. Every time he mentions his mother, drink. You should have alcohol poisoning by the end of the day. These ones take mama’s boy to a whole new level. If they want to marry their mother, they should just say so.
2) “Intellectual”
They feel they are smarter than you because they are interested in science and politics. They turn dates into “Who wants to be a millionaire” by asking very boring questions about topics you have no interest in. One thing they believe is that your inability to answer their questions make you stupid. Forgetting that people like what they like. They are usually narcissists and might sometimes refer to themselves as sapiosexuals.
3) Misogyny Mike
He wants a traditional wife and instead of getting one, will go after independent women in a bid to “break” them. He will take every opportunity presented to him to demean women. They are in love with gender roles, and this is not just limited to heterosexual relationships. Misogyny Mikes can be found in gay relationships as well.
4) Mr Not-So-Nice Guy
They claim to be good guys, but they are actually very manipulative. They gaslight you to the point you feel you are losing your mind.
5) Still in love with their ex
He’s probably with you because he is trying to get over his ex that broke his heart four years ago. He still has their picture in his wallet, and if you have children together, might name your children after the ex.
6) Perveted Peter
Every single chance to make a conversation weirdly sexual, he takes it. Perverted Peters will make you uncomfortable with their comments and tell you you’re being too prudish when you speak up. They act like sex is the best thing since sliced bread.
7) The little bit married ones
At some point in your life, you might date a married Nigerian man. You may not have wanted to be a side chick, and thought you were the only one in his life. He just forgot to tell you he’s a little bit married. Don’t blame him, he was shy. His wife and children skipped his mind.
8) Too good to be true
There will always be a guy that seems maybe just a little bit too good to be true. He is everything you had ever wanted and although his head might not be correct sometimes, he takes time out to learn. When this kind of person shows up, just hold him tight because everyone in the Nigerian dating scene is not okay.
There are men, and there are alpha males. One of the easiest ways for people to identify you as an alpha male is for you to do these nine things.
1) Never use an umbrella
Alpha males allow rain to flog them like someone that stole meat from the market. It is emasculating for any real alpha male to walk around with an umbrella. If you get a cold, remind the cold of who you are, and watch it disappear. Even colds recognise alphas.
2) Chapstick is your worst enemy
How can an alpha male have moisturized lips? The more cracked your lips, the stronger of an alpha you are. This is because the cracked lips represent the difficult roads you have gone through to come out strong.
3) The ashier the knees, the better
Moisturizer is such a feminine trait. Everyone knows that alpha males don’t moisturize their knees. Moisturized knees is a sign of weakness.
4) Only know how to cook noodles
Cooking is an important life skill, but back in the day, alphas did not cook. Now, however, since you are a progressive man and you realise that everyone needs to know how to cook, you must have perfected the art of making noodles.
Alpha male doings
5) Provide
A good Alpha male must be a provider. Nobody cares who you are providing for or what you provide. Just provide.
6) Don’t drink cocktails
The more bitter and tasteless your drink is, the more masculine you are. Only women drink fruity drinks. A real Alpha doesn’t drink colourful drinks.
7) Be the head
No matter what the situation you find yourself in is like, always beat your chest three times and proclaim you are the head. Only true Alphas can be the head even when they have a boss.
8) Do not wash your ass
The smell from your unwashed ass is what notifies the people around you that they are in the presence of an Alpha male.
9) Enter staring competitions with strangers
The best way to assert your dominance as an alpha is to stare down random people. Whoever looks away first is clearly the weaker person.
For more on what is inside this life, please click here
We’re collectively working as a society towards making the world more comfortable for people who aren’t conventionally attractive, by societies often unrealistic standards. More men are learning to love the bodies they are in. As part of the conversation to normalise body positivity, I spoke to six men about their bodies and what they felt insecure about and how they’re learning to embrace it.
Abdul Azeez
My ass is quite soft. Imagine a soft bubble butt on a hairy greek statue. That’s me. One time, a girl playfully slapped my ass and she was instantly hooked. Another time, during sex, a woman held my ass while I was pummelling her and didn’t stop until the end. So I’m usually insecure about bringing attention to my ass.
Anthony, 30
I’m not exactly insecure about it, but I’d like to reduce my belly. Not like I’m looking for six-packs, I just understand the health challenges that come with obesity. Other than that, I have accepted my status as a grizzly-chubby-cuddly-fluffy bear! Sometimes, it gives people an upcoming-sugar-daddy vibe. Other times, it means I can’t readily go topless.
TTA, 23
I feel insecure about my chest and arms. I’m six feet tall and thin, so I always feel a need to “buff up.” It makes me very uncomfortable exposing my chest in public.
It makes me feel weak and people tend to call me lazy when I avoid lifting heavy stuff, for example. I’m strong. I just don’t have the biceps to show for it. I’m trying to accept my body but it’s still a struggle for me.
Feyi, 26
I didn’t think I was insecure about anything until recently. A girl I was with wanted to eat my ass but I just couldn’t let myself do it. I had never felt so insecure before. I immediately understood why some women were reluctant to sit on people’s faces.
Michael, 27
When I was 18, I was quite fit as I worked out regularly. I started to decline academically and depression set in. I lost all motivation to do anything. Now, I’m struggling with belly fat and gynecomastia (sometimes referred to as “man boobs”). I stopped wearing tight clothes because they became uncomfortable. I’m stuck with wearing big shirts and polo shirts.
I first noticed my hairline receding when I was 24 and there was nothing I could do about it. My hair used to make me feel good. I went from carrying a mohawk to carrying inconspicuous hairstyles. People suggest I wear face caps or skin my head but I think trying to hide it just make people focus on it.
Rotimi, 29
My stomach is slightly big and I’m pear-shaped. Even when I tried working out, I was just getting muscular but the belly didn’t reduce. I’d like to wear more revealing stuff but I’ve given up on that. When I have a date I’m going to be naked at, I start to bother about it. I let them know before they come that they shouldn’t expect me to have a six-pack. I’ve resorted to being a sugar daddy-type.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Seni Oremodu, a 27-year old digital marketer. He talks about how his mother’s death and secondary school experiences made him lose his faith and interest in religion and dealing with an identity crisis.
What did you see yourself doing when you were younger?
I wanted to be a pastor. Everyone thought I was going to be a pastor. Then I started asking questions about religion no one could answer. I moved on to science. I wanted to be a nuclear scientist, but Nigeria has a way of narrowing the scope of your dreams. I opted to study chemical engineering instead. When I was 18, I visited a friend and met someone making beats. I picked up an interest in music production, and I made beats to make extra money in uni. In 300-level, I teamed up with a drummer friend and formed a boy band named Publiq.
When I graduated, someone asked me to manage a couple of social media accounts because my tweets were funny. I had no idea how to manage accounts. I flopped my way through that job, so I took courses in digital marketing to learn it. Digital marketing wasn’t what I had in mind since I studied chemical engineering, but when I get involved with a topic, I become completely obsessed with it. That’s what happened with digital marketing. I worked as a digital marketer for a couple of years. Now, I’m the head of growth at Onboardly, a startup.
Wow. That’s quite the professional journey. Tell me all about losing your religion.
Ah. Well. I grew up in Port Harcourt. I wasn’t aware at the time, but we were poor. I couldn’t afford certain things, but my parents did their best to provide. I only realised that I wasn’t in the same social class as other kids when they showed off toys in school.
My mom died when I was 12 and that sent me down a spiral. Answers were not forthcoming when I asked questions, I read the entire bible, and it did little to satisfy me. I went on to read books about atheism by authors like Richard Dawkins, and I think it was in my teenage years that I swung into my agnosticism.
When I got into secondary school, which was a military school in Uyo, I completely disconnected from religion due to the abuse and bullying.
Wow.
My dad sent me to a military school because he had the idea that it would make me stronger. I was beaten every day. It was so bad that the junior students used to fantasise about how they would beat juniors when they were promoted.
Did it make me stronger? In a twisted way, yes. For example, I’m not afraid of soldiers. They beat us every day, so I don’t feel threatened when a soldier comes on the scene.
Did it affect your relationship with your dad?
I love my dad. I’m a lot like him. Because I was young when I lost my mother, my father’s character was heavily imprinted on me. He’s a very funny guy, and I got my sense of humour from him. I also got a lot of my morality from my dad. He used to make us do morning devotion every day, we always learnt something new.
I inherited his just-do-it attitude, and I’m really proud of that. He had a fixation on ensuring my siblings and I learnt the multiplication table. He forced us to learn it by heart, claiming that if we knew the table, math would be easy. True to form, math and chemistry became my favourite subjects, hence my obsession with nuclear science and later, chemical engineering. He made me understand that it’s not too late to chase anything that interests you. To him, when you stop experiencing new things is when you stop living. He actually went back to school six years ago to study law, at 62 years old. He’s due to be called to the bar this year.
He also taught me to be responsible. During my IT in 300-level, I was working in an oil company in Port Harcourt. My dad called one day and advised me to save up my money. When I was to resume 400-level, I asked my dad for money to pay my school fees. He laughed and said, “What did you think I was telling you to save for?” I paid my final year fees from my pocket.
LMAO. Who had the biggest impact on your idea of masculinity?
I’ve always struggled with my identity, having been born to Yoruba and Rivers parents. On one hand, I am a Rivers boy who spent my formative years in Port Harcourt, but I never really acclimatised because I was an indoorsy child. On the other hand, I’m a Yoruba boy in Lagos who can’t speak Yoruba. People often want to put me in a box and when I don’t fit neatly into any one, they’re not quite sure what to do with me.
I was still unsure of my identity when it was time for university. Then I met my cousin, Niggydip in UNILAG. He was the older brother I never had. He’s the one who advised me to study chemical engineering instead of electrical engineering, given my mathematical talents. He always looked out for me and made sure I was fine in school. He actually introduced me to puns. He took me under his wings, took me to shows and concerts while I was in school. He’s the kind of guy to make sure everyone around him was taken care of. I looked up to him for everything and actively tried to model my life after his.
In my final year in uni, he had a cardiac arrest while he was out jogging and slumped. Bystanders, instead of helping him, robbed him of his personal effects instead. I cried. I also missed his burial. On the day of his funeral, I had an exam scheduled. I rushed through the exams to try to make the ceremony, but I was too late.
I’m sorry man. How did you deal with that?
You learn to move on. Life just has a way of going on, no matter how heavy the grief is in your heart. You grieve until you can talk about the person without breaking down every time. Life just has a way of going on, no matter how heavy the grief is in your heart. I learnt to move with the times because one minute, people are consoling you for your loss, the next, they’re back to tweeting about Lai Mohammed.
My support system also helped me get through it.
I’m glad. What are you looking forward to?
Because I didn’t grow up around a lot of money, I’ve been a content person. I can be stingy to myself. My career gradually went on an upward trajectory, and I started making more money but didn’t have much to spend money on. I’ve decided that I work too hard to deny myself things, so I’m trying to learn to buy things for myself and give myself treats like vacations. Like my dad, I believe the moment you stop experiencing things is when you start dying, so I intend to experience as much as I can. I want to travel and find things that I enjoy.
Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the Man Likeseries. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.
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The story of the 10 Plagues of Egypt you read in the Bible was scary but it didn’t tell of all the plagues. There was one more it failed to mention. No, it’s not COVID-19. It’s women coming to your house and stealing your clothes. The reason why your money is running out is because you keep buying shirts women end up stealing. So here are 6 sure ways you can prevent women from stealing your clothes like the robbers that they are.
1. Lock your wardrobe when she comes around
If you want to keep the thieves out, you have to keep your possessions under lock and key. You get to keep your perfume safe too.
2. Don’t let her enter your room
If she can’t enter your room, she won’t see the clothes and perfume to steal. You can hire a bouncer to stay outside your door.
3. Don’t let her come to your house
Forget Netflix and Chill. Hang in places like Chicken Republic or in a quiet park somewhere. That way you get to know her. If you must Netflix and Chill, go to her house. You might even find something nice to steal for yourself and turn the tables on them.
4. Cuddle her when you sleep
Hold her tight while you sleep, not only because you’re fond of her but also to prevent her from sorting through your clothes while you sleep to find the one she wants to take. A word is enough.
5. Wear only trad
She can’t steal your trad. The only downside is that you become one of those men that wear trad to the beach. That’s bad.
6. Buy…interesting clothes
If your clothes will cause a Lagosian to look at you twice, don’t worry, she won’t touch it with a long pole. You get to keep all your clothes.
The Twitter ban has affected a lot of people and businesses in different ways. We tend to overlook the impact Twitter has had in various aspects of our lives. One of such aspects is relationships. I spoke to 6 Nigerian men who found love on Twitter. They had such interesting stories.
Tosin
We had been following each other for years but we never interacted. One day, she posted a tweet late at night and I slid into her DMs. I ended up going to her place that night even though I had work the next day. That was very out of character for me. We started talking and just couldn’t leave each other alone.
Then the pandemic happened and we got stuck with each other. Being with her just made perfect sense. We still don’t know the exact date we started dating, but we’re together now.
Timothy
She replied to one of my tweets, telling me my tweets gave off a vibe she liked and she wanted to find out if it was the real me or just a social media facade. We continued to talk on the timeline until she sent me DM one day to discuss something and that’s how it all started.
Daniel
She tweeted a complaint about the constant short women slander on the TL. I pointed her towards my tweet professing my love for short women. We started talking until we fell inside a relationship.
Seni
We used to tweet at each other about random stuff; work, school work, insulting politicians together and exchanging friendly banter. One day, she says “we should meet up sometime.” That’s how we got married o. To Jesus be the glory.
Olumuyiwa
I think I became aware of her in 2016. That must have been the time I first followed her on Twitter. She was anon, and I sort of found that interesting. At the time, I used to be pretty loud about my atheism. I had lost faith earlier in 2014 and I was still within that acute phase where people who are new to unbelief are pretty loud about it. So, our first conversation was about religion. At the time, she was very religious but there was a difference.
She was very non-judgemental. In all of our interactions, she sought to truly understand my point of view and asked really deep and intriguing questions. So, that was how we got talking and I realised that I enjoyed talking to her. We decided to meet up and now, we’ve been together for three years.
Damola
We started talking on the timeline last year after I noticed. She quoted a tweet of mine and I started talking to her like I do when people interact with me on Twitter. That’s how we became friends while she was in the UK at the time. There was no DM interaction until her birthday when I wished her a happy birthday. We started talking a lot more.
What kickstarted it was when someone tweeted “send your boyfriend money for lunch”. I mentioned her handle as a joke and she asked for my account number. I was surprised and considered her thoughtful. I joked that if I could afford a ring, I’d propose to her. She said she wouldn’t mind Haribos candy rings. So I found a way to send it to her in the UK. We started paying more attention to each other and became closer. I started catching feelings for her but I had just left a relationship that had a lot of baggage and wasn’t ready for another one. She returned to Nigeria, we met and it was just obvious that we had feelings for each other. We started dating shortly after.
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Fat people in Nigeria go through a lot of abuse and degradation from society at large. It seems they get no respite from the constant passive aggression and fatphobia. The male perspective on this topic isn’t often heard, so we talked to 5 men about what it was like to be fat in Nigeria.
Tolu
Growing up, I was a husky kid. I remained big through my adolescence until I was in university when I lost a lot of weight. People treated me like I was more attractive because I was slimmer. While I enjoyed the attention, I hated the hypocrisy because those same people wouldn’t look at me twice if I was fat.
In 2019, I was depressed. I gained weight because I was eating away my feelings and blew up again. COVID-19 arrived with 2020 and I grew even fatter. People who hadn’t seen me for months would go “Oh my God, Tolu, what happened?” as if I had suddenly grown a second head. Even people who hardly knew me thought they had the right to comment on my weight.
People in public places like markets would call me “biggie” and I hated it so much because it was annoying and dehumanising, and it reduced me to just my weight. I’m also scared of losing weight because of loose skin.
I’m also expected to take all the comments and not be offended. My mom’s co-worker who I was meeting for the first time made rude comments about my weight and I told her off. She reported me to my mom who made me apologise to her instead of telling the co-worker to mind her business. I was livid. Also, I felt like there is this weird thing where people assume I’m nice, the same way they assume disabled people have to be nice. It’s annoying.
Kayode
Being fat, there is an assumption that I have a lot of money in my account. Being fat affects you differently, depending on how you view your situation. Sometimes, people have thrown my weight at me as an insult during arguments. There’ve been so many hurtful nicknames, too plenty to name. I’ve learned to take it on the chin and give them back their doses.
I don’t expect women to like me because not everyone likes fat men. There have been good and bad experiences. I have a marked weight I’ve disciplined myself not to cross. If I do, I do cardio and diet to bring my weight down. I’m not very consistent but I hope to change that soon.
To every other big man out there, being fat is no reason for you to repress your personality just so people can like you. It’s your world; keep those who matter to you and enjoy every minute of it.
Max
Being a fat man isn’t so bad. I used to be bullied a lot when I was little but I learned how to dish it back to the bullies so that stopped. People are snide from time to time and children can be rude too.
It hasn’t been too bad with women. What I don’t have in physique, I make up for with my silver tongue and plus I no ugly at all. Being fat has its advantages. For one, you know that every woman dating you isn’t doing so because you’re “hot”. It’s also disadvantageous because I have to work for everything, romantically. I don’t get to hook up with people because I’m hot.
David
I wasn’t always fat, so that kinda offers control for comparison. In my experience as a fat guy in Nigeria, people say and do inappropriate stuff to you like they don’t expect it to hurt. Recently, I visited my former area, and someone who I wasn’t even close to stopped me on the road to tell me I had added so much weight and that my belly is now big. He went on to say I should work on my weight. It was shocking comfortable he was enough to tell me that.
People also tell you things they probably wouldn’t tell fat women. I was making out with a friends-with-benefits and she said, out of the blue, that her most recent patients were suffering from diabetes and they were all obese. She probably said it from a place of care but I just know if a man had said that while making out, people would call him a dick. I have thick skin and don’t mind all the attacks but being treated with more sensitivity would be nice.
People say there’s only one attractive way to be a fat woman but there’s no attractive way to be a fat man. As a fat man, your physical sexual appeal is zero. Almost no one is attracted to you without knowing you deeper and that kinda sucks. Nobody is going to thirst after your picture or just seeing you, but there’s a slim chance of that happening. This means I desexualise myself. I don’t want people reacting with revulsion because they think I’m moving to them. There’s a lot of passive disrespected and being treated as if you don’t exist but you learn to the chest and push it to the background.
Timi
The hardest part of being fat was my childhood. I was bullied in secondary school. My relatives also bullied me. I had an aunt who called me Fatima. However, when I entered uni, I started dressing smartly and being fat came with its perks. Because I was bearded, tall and big, people started treating me with respect — women, men and even lecturers. When I’m out with my sister who is 10 years older than I am, people assume I’m her husband.
Modern-day fatherhood is no mean feat. Have you met children? Raising daughters is doubly difficult because of a culture and society that’s mostly unfair to women. Still, being a father to girls has its rewards in the small, unexpected moments. I discussed with five young fathers about their favourite things raising daughters.
Ken
Daughters aged 2 and 4.
My favourite part about raising them is observing them play and listening to the conversations they have with each other. I love reading with them because I like to teach.
My babies are young so the hardest part about raising them right now is settling their incessant squabbles when they fight over toys, getting them to eat and lulling them to sleep, which is the hardest. On a broader level, it’s difficult raising children right now because they need to play outdoors and with other children but can’t right now because of the pandemic. I don’t think there’s a significant difference in the challenges in raising girls compared to boys that can be pinpointed on their gender.
Zaid
Daughters aged 5 and 6.
They were born so close together, they look like twins. I’d always wanted daughters because I grew up without an older sister. Raising them has been fun and I have a very tight bond with them. They’re thoughtful, inquisitive and always need attention, like their mother. I’m only afraid of bad habits they might pick up when they’re older.
Tex
Daughters aged 13, 11 and 7.
It has to be the hugs, kisses and “I love you’s”. It’s warm, open and expressive. I also love when we spontaneously gather around the piano to sing together. It’s really cute.
I feel like the world is kinder to boys and men so I feel a constant tension between letting them be and feeling like I have to make them tougher for the challenges ahead.
Bruce
Daughter aged 2.
I love the fact that having daughters has given me the chance to understand women’s growth and dynamics from the onset. It’s been a powerful and insightful experience. Girls are forced to grow up too fast. Their childhood is cut short earlier than boys’ because, from an early age, we have to teach her not to trust strangers. I’m avoiding forcing adulthood on my baby by being part of her growth as possible to ensure we can always talk about anything. I run a community of Dads who are looking to exchange ideas on how best to navigate fatherhood.
Osas
Daughter aged 2
My daughter likes to talks a lot and very well for a two year old. She’s always making conversation with me at her young age. She loves music and is very vocal about her choice in music.
There’s this unadulterated, raw feeling of love in the eyes of my daughter when she looks at me. There’s absolutely nothing I won’t do for her when she looks at me that way. It’s difficult to disappoint them. It is very difficult keeping up with daughters. What they want is what they want and they won’t let you be until they get it.
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