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Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
As much as we hate to say this, sometimes, good things do come to an end, even when love is involved. Because we care so much about you and your relationships, here are all the telltale signs you’re about to be an ex.
If they no longer shower you with gifts, it simply means they’re no longer grateful for your existence and presence in their lives, and you know what comes after that.
At some point, you’ll have to stop and ask yourself, “Are their palms really sweaty, or is their love for you nonexistent?”
Everyone likes to shout that lying is wrong, but sometimes, a little white lie is okay. For example, if your partner no longer feels the need to lie about the deliciousness of a meal you slaved over a hot stove for, then it might be time to call it quits.
As far as your partner is concerned, you’re the biggest comedian in the entire world. Once that delusion thought process ends and they stop laughing at your not-so-funny one-liners and inside jokes, start preparing for your return to the streets.
The entire point of a relationship is for your partner to know you like the back of their hand. They should know what you’re thinking 50% of the time, so they can complete your sentences. If they can’t do this for you and you can’t do this for them, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways.
Once they stop thinking you hung the stars and the moon and you’re the best thing since smokey jollof rice and the Long Island iced tea Lagos bars serve, then it might just be the beginning of the end.
Once you find yourself hiding behind pillars and plants to avoid your partner and the bad energy they now bring, best believe it’s time to take yourself out of the equation and look for love elsewhere.
Like me, you probably come across the “never dating a broke babe or guy” conversation at least once a day on social media. But I was curious about how someone who’s actually had an unemployed partner feels about that hot take. In this article, Dolapo* shares her experience.
She opened up about the first real relationship she had after university. Initially, it was all about looks, but the night they finally hung out, Dolapo* realised there was a lot more to his pretty face. My burning question: What kept them together, and would she do it all over again even though their relationship didn’t last?
My Cute, Resilient and Broke Lover as Told to Ortega
I was 21 when I got into my first official relationship. Before meeting this person, I was in university, so I’d only dated childhood friends, nothing serious.
We met when I was in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in 2016. I was working at a radio station in Abuja, and he showed up looking for a job at the time. When I saw him at the reception, my immediate thought was, “This guy is cute!” I noticed he was wearing a Catholic rosary ring, but he looked way too young to be married. Rather than stand and stare, I decided to walk up to him and ask.
Turned out he wasn’t married; he wore the ring because of his faith. The conversation went on with how I liked him and thought he was really cute. I wasn’t the kind of girl to shy away from being upfront, so it wasn’t awkward.
When he was done submitting his files, I asked my colleague for his phone number. My colleague was a presenter at the station trying to link my new crush with a job, and he didn’t think it was weird to shoot my shot if I liked him. I called that evening and invited him to my house the next day. Of course, we already had a vibe going on, so he showed up.
RELATED: 7 Hilarious Ways Nigerian Women Shoot Their Shots
We shared a lot more about each other when he came over. He was only four years older than me. But that’s when he opened up about being laid over from his job at the bank nine months earlier and had been looking for a new one ever since. The 21-year-old me didn’t think it was a big deal. After all, my previous relationships were with students who were also unemployed. Maybe it would’ve made a difference if I’d dated proper adults with a job back in uni.
Besides, I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t think anything would last since I’d be moving back to Lagos at the end of my service year.
I can’t even remember at what point we officially started dating, everything happened fast. That one evening he came over turned into seeing him every day after work, and that was it. He showed up at my office a lot because he was keen on working at that particular station as a presenter. When I asked him why he wanted to move from banking to presenting, he went on about experiencing something more creative. And you don’t need to have a specific background to get into a radio station, so I didn’t dwell on it.
Of course, he also wanted our relationship hush hush so it didn’t ruin his chances of getting in. But in the whole year, we were together, he never got the job. While we dated, I tried persuading him to try another station. But, he was bent on famzing my colleagues, hoping they’d pull one or two strings.
RELATED: “My Life Ended When I started NYSC” — A Week In The Life Of A Tired Youth Corps Member
Asides from the issue of getting a job, I did enjoy spending time with him. He was nice, funny, and obviously, cute. We knew how to have fun together too. The sex was also so great I’m sure we wouldn’t have made it through an entire year of dating otherwise. A part of me loved how available he was. Working at a media company meant I had really long days except during CDS. We didn’t even observe public holidays because we always had to be on air. So, it was convenient having someone who could easily visit me.
His availability became an issue when working in a busy environment meant I couldn’t always take his calls or respond to a message quickly enough. His typical day was calling me in the morning, sending texts during the day and showing up at my house between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m., depending on how long I’m at the office. Trying to match that energy all the time got tiring after a few months. Yet, I needed the company because I didn’t have a lot of friends in Abuja.
We never celebrated milestones in our relationship. Six months went by without any date out or gifts, and so did our first anniversary. But the major issue was depending on my NYSC allowance to buy food for both of us anytime he came over. I never brought it up though. I understood he relied on his savings from his bank job and allowance from his older brother.
There was never anyone to think through the situation with. I didn’t see the need to share it with my old friends. It was just him and I in our little bubble. And that worked for me at 21. I didn’t need much more than the comfort of having someone to talk to, laugh and enjoy intimacy with after a long day. That’s why everything needed to end when it was time to move back to Lagos.
NYSC was over. The carefree life in Abuja needed to come to an end. There was no way a long-distance relationship could work because what was going for us was the physical presence; his fine face was my first attraction and the sex was what kept us together. Without the ability to see each other at every whim, there wasn’t much left.
RELATED: How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship as a Nigerian Man
I geared myself to break up with him, but he beat me to it. I guess he knew the end was inevitable. I was glad he took that responsibility away from me, but I was sad, really sad. The last time I heard from him, he’d finally gotten a job. But it was with one of the shitty radio stations in Abuja. He actually moved to Lagos this year, so we jam sometimes. But our conversations never go beyond a “hello” or “hi”.
Nothing about the year I spent dating him makes me feel like I can ever date an unemployed guy. I’ve never relied on anyone for anything, but I’d still want my partner to actively look out for jobs or at least start a business. That was something he never did at the time. He was stuck on one thing, and that’s not how life works.
Heck, the guy I started dating a year after our breakup, currently doesn’t have a job because he’s relocating soon and had to resign. That’s the kind of unemployed love that eventually works out. We’re both pulling our weight for a better future, so the momentary delay doesn’t matter.
ALSO READ: 6 Women on the Burden of Being Breadwinners in Their Families
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: The woman who can’t believe she found love
To: Ayo, her lover
Dear Ayo,
I’m writing this letter because beyond being my lover for the last nine months, you’ve also been my friend. So many times, you look over and catch me staring at you in disbelief. I still can’t believe my luck. Well, our luck, because I’m such a catch too. Ayo, I hope you read this feeling as lucky as I do sharing our connection.
It’s been nearly nine months since I dragged myself out to meet you for drinks. The full moon was in Scorpio. That meant something to me because Twitter astrologists talk about the potency of the moon to attract lovers. I don’t necessarily believe in these things, but I didn’t want to cancel our date for the third time. I didn’t want my anxiety to get in the way again. And I’m glad I didn’t miss out on finding my best friend.
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People talk about falling in love the moment they see, but I fell in love with your voice, Ayo. The way we talked at the restaurant made me feel safe. Magic was born from hearing you speak. Your voice was warm and sweet. We very quickly became such good friends, I could have sworn I’d known you for years.
Being around you made me feel safe. You met me at a time when my polysexual ass was being kicked in my different relationships. But you stuck around and made me feel so loved. I couldn’t imagine not being more than friends with you, Ayo.
I’ve never spoken to anyone as softly as I have about you. My friends say that when I first met you, I spoke about you like air. I would rant about all my problems and end them with, “then Ayo showed up…” They could hear the peace in my voice every time. It was like I’d been holding my breath, but every time you show up, I can finally take a deep breath. I’ve never told you this, but you got me through the depression I was fighting inside. You saved me in so many ways.
RELATED: Love Life: There’s Nothing I Want to Add to This Relationship
We both tend to rush into things, wanting to hold back from complicating them, but Ayo, it’s been nine months, and I’ve felt at peace with my decisions because you make me feel so loved. I remember the days leading up to the first time we both said “I love you” aloud. It was perfect because we spent weeks trying not to move too fast.
My favourite part about living with you is our routines. They keep me sane because. I can’t remember what life was like before watching you cook for us after work, or planning cute dates together. I don’t know what it felt like listening to music without you or watching you wiggle every time we sit on the couch to eat. Those are the moments when I feel most alive.
RELATED: How To Put Together The Perfect Good Morning Message For Her
Most of all, I love how you depend on me. The way you rush in for a hug whenever I’m home. You talk about your day like you’ve been waiting for the one person who truly cares about you, and it makes me feel like the most important person in the world. Ayo, I could go on and on about how my polysexual ass loves doing life with only you, but the hundred “I love yous” we share daily say it all.
My final words to you are a rendition of the love Shakespeare’s Romeo meant for Juliet: All the things I love about you, Ayo — the sweet words that I have the privilege to share with you — hopefully, it’s until my last breath.
Thank you for all the love you’ve brought into my life.
Love,
Uyi
ALSO READ: Love Life: I Ran Away From Home To Be With Her
If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why.
Ever found yourself in a space filled with your lover, exes and people who have seen you naked? It sometimes gets a little awkward which is why we’ve put together a list of icebreakers to help everyone relax into the possible orgy.
This roll call is important to know everyone is present, you need to be sure the room is actually filled with lovers, exes and everyone in that bracket. The sound of everyone saying “present” when you call their name is enough to break the ice and start an orgy.
The first question on the performance review should be, “Shey I fit fuck?” so everyone knows the kind of responses to give. You already know what to do to anyone who replies negatively. Send them out of the room and out of your life since they’ve decided to be liars.
It doesn’t matter if one or more of the people in the room is your current partner; the fact that they’re your partner today doesn’t mean they’ll be your partner tomorrow. Make sure everyone has a doc ready to save you the stress of participating in another talking stage.
When we say home, we mean home to your parents. Let the bottle decide who you get to spend the rest of your life with. You’re a catch and anyone the bottle lands on is going to be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you.
Of course, the orgy was going to happen, so why waste time when you can immediately get into it? Everyone is already in the room and the ice is already broken, lie down and tell everyone to take a position.
This is totally different from the performance review o. Line them up and give them a mic to talk about how you changed their life. Make sure the mics and speakers are very loud so passersby can hear about how wonderful you are.
Put a chair in the middle of the room and ask them to dance. The winner gets to claim you since you’re such a prize.
Call a therapist so everyone can get things off their minds. Ofcourse, you’re only doing this because you are so benevolent and you want them to heal from what other people have done to them.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage.
Chibuzo: My earliest memory of him was in secondary school. He joined our set in JSS 2, and we were seatmates. I didn’t really see him until an award ceremony our school organised. He was called up for a prize on stage, and I remember thinking, “This person is smart while I’m sitting here looking at him.” This was in 2004.
Teslim: My first memory is different. Our parents knew each other and one Sunday, we were invited to a function at her house.
Chibuzo: It was my uncle’s wedding.
Teslim: I came with my family and was in the car. When she saw me, she turned and ran in the opposite direction.
Chibuzo: Because I wasn’t dressed.
Teslim: I was shy myself, so it was funny to me. When we went back to school, I teased her about it and that’s how we started talking.
Chibuzo: He also teased me about the way I pronounce the word “purse” — he thought it was funny. We joked around a lot, and as time passed, we became closer. By SS 3, we were best friends.
Teslim: We were dating other people at the time. She was in a long term relationship that lasted almost six years, and I was also dating someone else. So there wasn’t any romantic vibe.
Chibuzo: We would have deep conversations about family, school, but a lot of it was just banter and lots of laughs at each other’s expense — mostly mine, LOL. Our connection was easy, so after high school, we stayed in touch.
Teslim: We graduated in 2009. She went to Canada for school, and I stayed back in Nigeria. We spoke to each other on and off until 2014 when we started dating.
Chibuzo: We used to chat on Facebook then we moved to BBM in 2011.
Teslim: We also sent each other a lot of emails. In the emails, we talked about school, family and stuff. I used to keep her updated on who I liked at the time and she would do the same.
Chibuzo: Phone calls were difficult because we were in different time zones, so we relied on emails. It got to a point that I looked forward to telling him about my day via email. As time passed, our energy grew romantic. In the Christmas of 2013, Teslim was going through some family stuff and we emailed through it. Slowly, we got closer and started telling each other “I love you”, but in a friendly way.
Teslim: The first time I told you I love you in a romantic way, you ended the call.
Chibuzo: No, I mistakenly dropped the phone and the call went off.
Teslim: Well, it felt like what happened in secondary school when I saw her in her house.
Chibuzo: LOL. We said “I love you” more often after that, but I wasn’t sure we were dating. We were exclusive, but we hadn’t made it official.
Teslim: I think at some point, we were at different stages of the friendship. I was about to move to the US for school and she was in Canada. In my head, I was wondering if a long-distance relationship with her would work.
Teslim: I wasn’t there yet. I didn’t understand how we were going to make it work because keeping in touch was already a hassle. Dating her meant I could lose my best friend if we didn’t work out.
Chibuzo: Meanwhile, I had told a few of my friends that I was going to marry my best friend.
Teslim: She was convinced we could make it work. I decided in January 2014 that I didn’t want to pass up on the opportunity to be with her because of distance. Besides, I was moving to the US, so the time difference was going to be better. We could visit each other as opposed to waiting for about two years to spend time together.
Chibuzo: I visited him in the US twice that year. I was grateful for the freedom to finally be with him in person. I was 22 at the time. We were happy to spend time together. You know how in movies on TV, couples go out on dates at fancy restaurants or a park and all that stuff. I had never experienced that before dating Teslim. 2014 was a good year for us.
Teslim: 2014 was our honeymoon year. We are both from strict homes, so it was truly a gift that we could see each other outside curfews and consistent calls from our parents. We travelled to New York together. We were over the moon.
Chibuzo: It was the year we confirmed that we were going to be with each other for a long time. We call it our confirmation year.
Teslim: Yeah, but as time went on, we realised that just because we were friends didn’t mean that we are aligned in every aspect of life. We struggled with communication for a while. We also had to figure out each other’s ideals and values and reconcile them. We had many fights and conversations because we started to see the differences in our personalities.
Chibuzo is a spontaneous person, and I am rigid. Whenever we were planning stuff together, we would often fight because we have different planning styles. Thankfully, being friends made it a bit easier to confront those hard conversations.
Chibuzo: We would often joke about the stuff we needed to talk about as opposed to blurting it out in anger. Our friendship helped us have difficult conversations.
Teslim: Also, conversations over the phone and conversations in person are different. In 2015, we were trying to tackle hard issues over the phone, and it was difficult because of the lack of nuance of body language or tone. I would say something and she wouldn’t get how I said it because a lot of nuance got lost over video calls.
Chibuzo: In our roughest patch, we argued almost every weekend. A lot of our fights came from the conversations we had about our future. It was crazy. I had just graduated and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. My parents were pressuring me to come back to Nigeria and do NYSC. Teslim told me that if I went back, our relationship would suffer.
I decided to stay and wait for a work permit.
Teslim: I was scared of what would happen to us if she went back. That Nigeria-Canada long distance was brutal, and I wasn’t about to put myself through it again. What would our conversations be like with not just distance but different time zones? I was determined to make it work.
Teslim: I used part of my pocket-money to pay her rent. That was one way I would show her I was committed to us. We also had to decide as a unit what we wanted to do with our future. Chibuzo studied geology, and the oil industry wasn’t booming anymore so we weren’t sure of job prospects in that career path. During this time, I had just gotten a product design job, so I asked if she would like to study software engineering. I thought she had the mind for it. She was a bit hesitant, but I told her we’d do it together.
Chibuzo: That made learning it easier. In the beginning, we worked on a lot of stuff together as a team.
Teslim: It was also challenging because we have different working styles. I would try to hold her accountable to her learning with deadlines and some structure, but she was more like it will get done when it gets done. We even started fighting about it. But we figured it out.
Chibuzo: 2016. I was on track to becoming a permanent Canadian resident, and Teslim got a job at a big tech company. We had to talk about the next step.
Teslim: Before then, we had already hinted to each other that we were going to get married. We talked about what that would look like and how many kids we wanted. When we decided to get married, we started thinking of where we wanted to live. We decided that she would move to the US. We tried applying for jobs, and when that wasn’t happening fast enough, we thought, why not get married now?
Chibuzo: I knew I wanted to marry him, but I wasn’t in a hurry. However, getting married would speed up the immigration process and our relationship could stop being long-distance, so we decided to do it.
Teslim: We were both the first people to get married in our families, so it was a big deal. We had to figure out how to set boundaries on the things that were important to us but also make them feel connected and part of the process. It was interesting because we were planning with our families over the phone.
Chibuzo: Left to us, we would have had a small wedding with a few family members and friends, but our families wanted a big wedding. We ended up doing both. We got married legally in Canada in 2018 then had a bigger wedding in Lagos.
Chibuzo: Being married to Teslim has been great so far! I have become a much better version of myself just from our partnership. He is a goal-oriented person and that has rubbed off on me. I see myself setting goals and smashing them. He has been consistent in how he shows up for me and for himself. This gives me the confidence to navigate the world knowing that he is there for me.
Teslim: I could say the same about her. We complement each other. I always want to make sure she gets the very best out of everything, and she makes it easy. When we disagree these days, we understand it’s not an opportunity to put one person down but to grow together as a unit. I wasn’t a good communicator before we started dating, but that changed. We are able to show up for each other every time, and that’s the best part of our relationship.
Teslim: While we were setting our expectations for our marriage, one of the things we talked about was whether or not she would be keeping her last name. She wanted to keep it to maintain a sense of connection to her family. Family is important to her.
Chibuzo: Also, it is a huge part of my identity, and I didn’t want to give it up.
Teslim: I come from a traditional home, so it was a tough conversation to have initially, especially because we had agreed to the name change before the wedding and she changed her mind afterwards. It took a while for me to get to the point where I understood her perspective and how deeply coupled her name and identity are. I asked myself why I needed her to when I knew I wouldn’t change mine for anyone. When you also research the history and reasons why women change their names, it just didn’t align with the kind of values we wanted our marriage to uphold.
Deep down, the Nigerian man in me was slightly disappointed with her decision, but I got over it.
Chibuzo: At some point, he thought I was rejecting his family by not taking his last name. I asked if he was rejecting my family by not taking mine.
Teslim: One concern I had was what would we name our kids.
Chibuzo: We decided that their last name would be Teslim’s last name and their middle names would be my last name. We chose this in case we had a girl child who would want to keep her family name as well.
Chibuzo: Teslim always follows through with what he says he will do, and that’s something I have learned from him. I had the tendency to be flaky and it’s something I am still working on.
In September 2020, I got diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). My sister noticed that I was trying to do too many things at once and jokingly said, “Are you sure you don’t have ADHD?” I had heard about it, but after she said it, I went to do some research. Almost all the symptoms listed applied to me. I felt seen. Some days later, I went to see a doctor. The diagnosis explained a lot of my behaviours. For example, having the motivation to start something but not wanting to finish it and then I have to deal with the guilt.
Teslim also helps me be more organised. I am an impulsive person and that’s one way I complement him — I have added more spontaneity to his life, the same way he added more structure to mine. That way, we are able to cover each other’s blind spots.
Teslim: It is hard to quantify how much Chibuzo brings to my life. She is a joyful and kind person and that rubs off on me. My life is pretty stable in the sense that I don’t have peaks of joys and valleys of sadness, but she brings some color into my life. I love that our differing perspectives balance each other out. For example, Chibuzo will spend a little more money to improve our quality of life while I prefer to save every single penny. That balances out and leaves us in a healthy spot.
She is also one of the reasons why I was able to break into tech. We built my portfolio together — I would design the product and she would do the code. With time, I got my job, then we did the same for her. I don’t think I would have been able to advance as much as I have if she wasn’t in my life. It helped to have someone smarter than I am around me. She is amazing all round, to be honest.
Chibuzo: 9.5. I’m so happy with him. Yes, we have our differences, but we can always talk through them. I feel content with him and our relationship.
Teslim: I was going to say 5.
Chibuzo: 5? Open the door and walk out.
Teslim: LOL. It’s 9.5 for me. I’m happy with us and where we are. Maybe if you asked me when we were fighting, I might rate a 6. Right now, we are in a place where our goals are aligned and we trust each other.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
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Not everyone hates their exes, some people still have fond memories of the ones who got away. Sometimes, relationships don’t work for reasons beyond our control and some people still hold their exes dear to them. Here are what some people have to say about their favourite ex:
I have known her since I was in primary school, we grew up in the same area. My favourite thing about her was her pure innocence. Both of us spent a lot of time behind closed doors, gisting, playing games, talking about everyone in the family and sharing our dreams. At one point, we were told to stop closing the door (I never understood what was inferred until much later).
We never went beyond kissing and hugging when we were much older and emotions were flying. I prayed to God that if I married her, I won’t ask for anything else. We were together for a little over 15 years, but we drifted apart when her family moved to another state. There were no reliable means of communication back then, so our relationship suffered.
We still talk till today and try to support one another emotionally especially if our partners are giving us sticks. We got married to different people after a brief stint of misunderstanding and have two children apiece.
My favourite memory of her was the last time we saw each other physically. She relocated to another country a few months after we started dating to continue her education. It became a long-distance relationship from then, so I hadn’t seen her for like a year. She flew back to Nigeria to spend a week, and during that time, we were only able to see each other once. It felt really special.
Many things make her so special, but if I’ll state one specifically, it would be her heart. She is a very loving and caring person, at times I wonder how anyone can be so selfless. She always puts others before herself! Although that is not necessarily always a good thing, it was something I admired a lot about her.
I loved how timid and shy she can be, how understanding she is. How she knows how to listen to me or proffer solutions to my problems. She has a really big heart. We broke up because we couldn’t come to a middle ground regarding certain issues. She is from a Muslim background, a Muslimah to the core and her family holds their religious values in high esteem.
It was also made clear that her family would never let her be with a non-Muslim and she wasn’t willing to change religions. I wasn’t willing to switch either. We talked about the consequences and we decided to let go of each other and go our separate ways.
My favourite thing was his heart and how easygoing he was. He always tried to make other people happy at his own expense. He was an open book, he rarely ever lied, he communicated his feeling and cried when he was sad. I never ever had to guess how he felt about me, even from when we just started.
The hard part, it’s hard to explain but the whole relationship has been long-distance and we always thought we’d be in the same space at some point, but things keep changing our plans. There were a few reoccurring issues about some things and it felt like love wasn’t enough.
We were together for 3yrs- we still talk from time to time.
My favourite thing about her is her selflessness, she’s bold and courageous, (na she dey ginger me most times). She cares a lot, if not too much and she’s very mature.
We dated for almost 3 years.it is the longest relationship I’ve been in. We met in the university, we were both in 200 level at the time. I told my mum about her, she said she prayed about it and we don’t fit. We continued dating for the rest of our time at university. I had to break up with her when she left for camp. She was so devastated because her mum had just died.
We broke up because of my parents – especially my mum. My mum hadn’t met her, yet she disliked her. We talk sometimes, a couple of months ago we connected with each other – I visited her last weekend.
He was and still is a very caring and understanding person. I think he’s the ex that has understood me the most. He’s also very supportive. He’s still a part of my life( no strings attached, just friends – at least on my own end).
We dated for almost 2 years. I think my favourite thing about him was that he trusted my judgment, like how can someone just believe in you like that? Lol. He also cared for people I care about, from my family down to my friends.
Well, we broke up because I wasn’t in love with him. My conscience couldn’t help it anymore, I had to end the relationship because he was getting serious and I knew I just wasn’t into him. We still talk, he patronizes my business as well, tries to send gifts but I just had to set up a boundary to avoid wahala.
My favourite memory of him is the day he found out he was going to be a dad, it was also the day he proposed to me. Unfortunately, our child didn’t survive. He is such an amazing person, very kind and caring. He never raised his voice at me, no matter how angry he got, and I annoyed him a lot because me sef I know I’m a lot to handle.
We broke up because he cheated on me, after 2 years of being together.
How we start our day usually has a paramount effect on how the rest of our day goes. When you love a woman or want to move to a woman you like, it is important you send her beautiful messages to put her in the right mood. Here’s a list of helpful ways on how to put together a perfect good morning message:
This is the best way to help your girl start her day. You don’t have to do so much- in this case, the burden of the morning text has been moved from you to the bank. A perfect morning message that you don’t have to stress yourself to put together.
Not every message has to be verbal- actions speak louder than words sometimes. Ensure the tray is delivered with a note that says ‘’I love you, babe’’. The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach or whatever it is that they say.
The weather has changed and it is raining almost every day now, and you want her to stay warm throughout the day. Arrange for some of her favourite hoodies of yours to be delivered first thing in the morning before she’s up. This way, she won’t have to steal your clothes to make herself happy.
Create a playlist of all her favourite songs and some of yours too. Make sure the playlist conveys how much you love her and how your life would fall apart if she wasn’t in.
Giving her one less thing to worry about is a perfect good morning message.
Ensuring she wakes up in a new country is not only proof of love, but it is also the loudest and best message any lover can send. This proves that you don’t only love her, you also have her best interest at heart.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chika, 30, and Esther, 28, started off as platonic friends. Nine years into their friendship, Esther realised she had fallen in love, but Chika hadn’t. Today on Love Life, they discuss moving from friends to best friends, and now a married couple who are “joined at the hip”.
Esther: That would be at a send forth for a church member. I’m pretty sure we met before then, but nobody seems to remember. If I’m not mistaken, I was 16 and Chika was probably 18 or 19.
Chika: It was at a send forth organised for a church member who was about to japa. I can’t remember a specific date, but I know it wasn’t the first time I was seeing her. I’d met her before then, but at that send-forth, we danced and it sparked something.
Esther: It did not spark anything jor. You were just one of the fine boys in the neighbouring congregations. Nothing serious, at least for me.
I noticed him in the church, we danced together, and somehow we became friends. I wasn’t interested in anything else. I was too busy crushing on the brother of the lady whose send forth we were there for.
Chika: We became friends. We didn’t live too far apart, so I would visit her. I think she visited once, while I was in my mom’s shop helping her sell. But I did most of the visiting. We were young — I can’t remember how old — so it was all very platonic.
Esther: A lot of our meetings happened at the shop. It was at his mum’s shop that he introduced me to poetry. I remember that day. He said, “Let me show you something I wrote.”
I fell in love with his poetry.
Esther: LMAO no, not him. He was still just my very cute best friend.
Chika: And I still saw her as a friend too. But I guess I must have been crushing on her slightly because while her house was close, it wasn’t that close. To make the journey as frequently as I did in those days, there must have been something more than friendship driving me.
Esther: Oh yes, my house wasn’t close at all.
Chika: I think I also had a love interest in those days, so Esther wasn’t in the picture in terms of romance.
Esther: Oh you definitely had a love interest. And you were always talking about her.
He even said we had to meet.
Esther: LMAO actually I had even moved from my crush on the brother of the person being sent forth. In fact, I think I was moving from one crush to another. We were teenagers, so that explains a lot.
Chika: 9 years later.
Esther: 9 years for me, a bit later for him.
Chika: SMH. Oya 9 years and 6 months for me.
Esther: Well, I was the first to realise I was in love and I didn’t waste any time letting him know how I felt. I mean, I had always loved him as a friend, and now I had fallen in love with him. It seemed so perfect and so I wanted more. But Oga wasn’t there yet and kept saying he probably wasn’t going to get there because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Chika: I have no comments.
Esther: *coughs*
Chika: LMAO okay, okay. I had just gotten out of a relationship. Also, I didn’t think I was relationship material and I wasn’t ready to lose my best friend in the process of trying.
Did I mention that we were living together at this point?
Chika: Yes. She had just finished NYSC. By then, we had moved from friends to best friends and we dated other people.
But we always kept in touch. Phone calls, messages, and we also tried to see each other when we could. It was rare though, and it required deliberate effort. You know, being in different universities and all of that.
Esther: He was the first person I would see whenever I entered Lagos. Even before seeing anybody else.
Chika: As per bestie. Then after youth service, she came back to Lagos and would visit often. But then she got a job on the island. I lived close to the job location, so we ended up staying together.
Esther: It was tough, especially because he was extra kind to me and I just couldn’t see us not being together. He would call me all day at work and we would chat in between. Though he wouldn’t admit this, he checked up on me more than he ordinarily. And then when I pointed out that his behaviour towards me was different, in a good way, he’d say that it wasn’t as a result of feelings.
That pissed me off a lot. And then there was the phase where he wasn’t exactly over his ex. So she would come around and I’d have to leave. It was so annoying.
Chika: In my defense, I wasn’t sure and I wanted to be sure. We were living together and I knew it was inevitable, but I was also scared of it not being a conscious choice.
Chika: I travelled to Kaduna for a festival, and it struck me how much sleeping on a bed she wasn’t in was not something I wanted to do. So I came back and asked her to be my girlfriend.
I told her what I had come to realise during my trip and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She felt it was too much of a roundabout turn and was asking questions like what changed? I tried to answer. She said she would think about it.
Esther: I’d just decided that I’d roll with his lack of feelings until he was ready and if I could move on, I would.
And then all of a sudden, this uncle comes back from Kaduna and starts saying nonsense about how he can’t live without me.
Chika: After I told her, her response was that she would think about it. She thought about it for all of 30 minutes.
Esther: Well there wasn’t much to think about. My feelings were pretty clear from the onset. You were the confused one. Although a part of me felt like torturing him a bit. Just saying no for the fun of it and making him sweat small. But of course, the whole torture lasted just 30 minutes.
In our next lives, I will show him pepper.
Chika: After that, it was smooth sailing. I think a part of me knew the girlfriend part was just to go through the proper route. That this was the person I wanted to marry. I can’t say “spend the rest of my life with”, because even without marriage, we are joined at the hip forever. So yeah, we dated, and six or seven months later, we decided to get married.
We got a hotel next to the Ikoyi registry. It almost felt like we were over-prepared for the wedding and the marriage. I had never been surer of anything in my life. I just felt lucky to be marrying my best friend.
Esther: We had two weddings: court and traditional, but the court wedding was it for me. Maybe because it was everything we wanted. No family intervention, no religion involved. And then there was the photoshoot after, it was amazing. Chika looked absolutely handsome. I was smitten.
Chika: It’s very hard to explain, but e sweet die. For me, I like the fact the ordinary things of life become more enjoyable when I do them with her. Seeing a movie, eating food, lying down, gisting about the day, gossiping about people — everything just takes on a new colour with her.
Oh and we are also forming our own traditions: shawarma night, movie night, anniversaries, birthdays. A collection of small holidays designed specially for us and by us.
Esther: Married life has been beautiful. There’s something about waking up every day next to the love of your life and knowing that you get to do life with them and that you have a long time to experience life together. That’s a special kind of beautiful, and I am so glad to live in it.
Chika: Just knowing that I am home with my person. That’s the best part of it for me.
Esther: Honestly? I don’t know what the best part is. There are too many parts that feel like the best. Just when I think I have unlocked one layer, there is another layer waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.
Being with Chika is like being with another version of myself. We’re different, yet so alike in many ways. We have the same ideologies. We’re both somewhat introverted, so on a good day we’ll pick staying indoors and seeing a movie over going out. I’m not a very social person, so just having Chika around to do everything with is great.
Chika: For me, it’s her kindness, genuineness, and how she cares for me. I am certain of how she feels, and that certainty is like an anchor.
Esther: His heart. Chika is so kind to me. He regularly checks up on me, and on days when I’m extremely busy at work, he makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves me at my table. During exams, he buys me snacks that I can chew on when reading, chases the cats away so they don’t disturb me, and this support goes a long way to make the studying process easier. He pays attention to my mood too and shows up with ice cream when I’m sad. It’s little, but it goes a long way.
And this kindness is not restricted to me alone. Chika goes out of his way to help people. He’s always willing to help ease whatever is bothering my friends; when he is with his friends, I watch him and I am awed by how he always comes through for them. Daily, I am astonished by how easily kindness comes to him. I’m usually amazed because I’m not sure I can be that kind. Honestly. I am always ready to tear shirt oh, don’t mind him.
Chika: She likes saying I told you so.
Esther: LMAO but I am always right, and you don’t listen.
Chika: If my wife tells you something and you don’t do it and it now happens as she said it, she will not leave it oh.
Esther: But it almost always happens as I say it, no?
Chika: Anyway, I think our arguments and fights always lead to a deeper understanding for me.
Esther: See ehn, I think I’d like him to listen more. Chika get coconut head. E no dey hear word. But to tell the truth, even when he’s being a goat, my mind still tells me, “But you love this goat.”
Chika: In the early days, I would get angry and throw words meant to hurt. But she has taught me that we are not fighting each other or we shouldn’t be. So these days, I focus on listening to her when disagreements occur and focus on mending things. I have also learned to listen and change even when I don’t agree immediately. I have had to learn this from her.
Esther: I also used to throw words too and would flare up easily, but I’ve had to learn to take a breather and then come back to discuss the issue when I’m calm. Another thing I’ve learned is to not expect immediate change. Before, I used to expect that he’d just conform to whatever I said, but now I have# learned to give it time and look out for the greys because change isn’t always from black to white. I look out for the little ways that he’s trying to improve and focus on that.
Chika: Sweet die.
Esther: Ugh, this man. I don’t think we’re on the scale though LMAO. Over time, we have learned that we can’t rate our relationship. We can only rate moments. And right now I’d say we’re operating at a 10.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*Dorcas, 22, and *Lara, 18, have been dating for 9 months now. For today’s Love Life, they talk about hiding their long-distance relationship from their religious families, all while trying to plan a future together.
Dorcas: Swiping right on Tinder. She didn’t even have a profile picture, but I thought her name was interesting. We matched. . She wasn’t very active on Tinder, so we took things to WhatsApp. Then she asked me out.
Lara: Funny thing is, I remember her asking me out with a song. I think the song is “Suited” by Shekinah.
Dorcas: I told her that I was done dating for the year and just wanted to have fun, but she kept shooting her shot. After a month of chatting, I realised that I actually loved her.
Dorcas: Her smile. I had no idea that people with gap-tooth could be so beautiful when they smiled. Every single time she smiles, I’m like, ‘Oh my God. She is so beautiful’.
Lara: Dorcas gives the best advice. I cannot make a decision without letting her know. She knows what to say at any given situation and she is so supportive.
Lara: They are not aware. My parents are conservative and religious. They do not accept our kind of relationship, so, right now, only my close friends know.
Dorcas: Right now, only my brother is aware. He found out because he kept probing, but he is super cool about it. I can’t tell my mum because I don’t think she’s ready. I have been dropping hints about not bringing home a husband. I’m always like, “Don’t be too disappointed if I don’t get married”.
Dorcas: It is, but marriage isn’t an endpoint. Tags are not my thing, but I want us to always be together in a committed relationship. If that ends up being a marriage, then sure.
Lara: Dorcas and I have spoken about it and yes, it’s something we’d like to do. My biggest worry about marriage is disappointing my family, but I can’t help it. I am not going to live an unhappy life to make them feel better. If things get to a point where they cut me off, then I’ll learn to accept it.
Dorcas: I grew up in a very religious family. I think my mum might die if she finds out. She’s slowly accepting the fact that I don’t have or want a boyfriend, but she made me promise not to join the ‘LGBT+ clique’. She said it like it was a cult or something. I have sha been preparing her for the worst.
Lara: YES. I want children, so we are definitely having kids.
Dorcas: I am not really a baby person. They are cute and I love my nieces and nephews, but I am not freaked out by the baby thing Lara wants them though, so, yes, we are having them.
Lara: I haven’t been in a heterosexual relationship so I’m not sure how it works, but I’ll say that in a lesbian relationship, both parties are getting more pleasure from the sex because they understand their bodies.
Dorcas: Yes. The sex is definitely longer and more thrilling. There are no defined roles, no head-neck thing here, just two women loving each other. Although, she tends to take the lead during sex, showing me what she wants me to do and I just follow through. She’s actually my first.
Dorcas: Like most relationships, we have misunderstandings. For me, it’s that Lara doesn’t like to step out of her comfort zone. I find myself making most of the moves to see her and I want her to do more. Another thing is having to hide.
My love language is spending quality time, and I hate the fact that I can’t love her openly and freely. The other day, she came to see me and everyone kept calling her my friend. I introduced her as my baby and they said they know, but I don’t think they do.
Lara: It’s the distance for me — we hardly get to see each other. We once had this fight about this online couple contest. We were supposed to send our pictures in for the contest.
I agreed at first but after asking a few questions, I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore. It caused a disagreement because Dorcas had already sent in the pictures and wasn’t sure how to tell them we weren’t participating anymore. Plus, Dorcas can get really mean, haha.
Dorcas: At first, I used to be very churchy. My relationship with God involved a lot of praying for answers about who I am, but I soon realised that God doesn’t make mistakes. I am a masterpiece.
I know that God loves me and that’s enough for me. For people who like to threaten gay people with bible quotes, I’ll say this: there was a time when the bible was used to endorse slavery. Now, times have changed and a lot of things have to be revised.
Lara: It’s really difficult, but I still have to hold on to God. My parents are super religious and they carry all of us along so I’d say my faith is pretty strong. Although, I have found myself wondering what would happen if I wasn’t a lesbian. I didn’t choose to be like this. I like this life. I like loving my woman.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
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