Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Lola: We met at work in 2017. My former company hired him to do some photography work for three months. The first day he came in and I saw him, I knew I had a crush. It was his eyes. They were so pretty, but he never looked directly at anyone.

Dennis: I noticed her right away. I passed by her cubicle, and she was so focused on her computer, typing God knows what. She’s the fastest typer I know.

Did you get to talk on that first day?

Dennis: Not really. Their CEO introduced me to everyone, including her. Then I went to my corner to figure out what they wanted me to do.

Lola: We didn’t speak until a few days later when we directly worked on a project.

And then, you fell in love?

Lola: No. We didn’t date until after he broke off the contract barely a month in and left our company.

What do you mean “left”?

Dennis: That “project” wasn’t part of the specific deliverables in my contract. Because I didn’t accept to take on tasks outside of the contract, the CEO started overcriticising the work I did. Everything was suddenly rubbish, and it was seriously affecting my anxiety.

Lola: When I noticed he was having issues with our usually mild-mannered CEO, I texted him just to check-in. 

He told me when he started considering leaving, and we talked about his anxiety. However, at the time, I didn’t understand that he meant depression.

When did you figure it out?

Lola: Shortly before we became official.

Dennis: But first, we were friends for a while. She became part of my support system. She’d always check in, even when she was dating some other guy.

Were you considering dating her instead, Dennis?

Dennis: Yes. Who wouldn’t? 

But I felt she was too good for me. I thought she was only reaching out all the time out of pity. She’s really nice like that.

Lola: Men can be idiots when they want to be sha.

How did you eventually get together?

Lola: I had to tell him I liked him, really liked him.

This was mid-2018 after an almost one-year relationship crashed because I wasn’t invested. I liked the guy but not enough to move as fast as he wanted. He wanted us to move in together, to get married at least a year later and all that. I didn’t think I liked him enough for all that. When he noticed I wasn’t invested the way he wanted, he left, and I moved to Dennis.

Dennis: I was shocked when she told me she liked me a lot. It was over the phone, but I believed her because her voice sounded so sincere. I just started crying.

Lola: I listened to him sob over the phone and didn’t even realise when tears started streaming down my eyes.

I think there and then, I should’ve known I was in for a rollercoaster.

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Tell me all about it

Lola: He started texting me a lot, asking what I liked and didn’t like. He was so sweet and poetic in his texts. You could sense that strong aim to please, and I was completely taken by it, trying to answer as openly as possible.

Dennis: The texts were mostly anxiety-driven. I wanted to take her out, and I wanted to do it perfectly. So I had to know precisely the type of food and ambience she liked.

Lola: That first date was nice even though we weren’t exactly dating yet. Afterwards, we didn’t meet much, but we’d text almost 24/7 with phone calls in between. 

Then I noticed him withdraw. After some months, the texts became less frequent to the point when I was almost begging him to text me.

Dennis: My mum died after a long illness just before Christmas of 2018, so…

I’m so sorry

Lola: He didn’t tell me that until shortly after New Year 2019. By then, I was frustrated by him. When I heard this, my feelings made a U-turn, and I was heartbroken for him. I knew he was really close to his mum.

Dennis: I felt bad for pushing her away during this time, but I really couldn’t help it. After recovering, I asked her to be my girlfriend, fully expecting her to say no.

Lola: But I said yes.

And for that year, dating meant sharing Ubers to our offices. He lived in Egbeda, I lived in Ikeja, and we both worked on the island, so he’d hail a cab, and then pick me up on the way. We’d mostly make out in the back seat until we entered traffic and I was too shy to continue.

That sounds nice

Lola: That was our life until COVID came and we all had to stay indoors. He lost most of his photography and content gigs and my salary was slashed in half. He called me one morning during lockdown and broke up with me.

Like a phone call?

Dennis: I was in a dark place and didn’t want to have to keep calling or texting through all that. It was really hard for me to do. But I didn’t want her going through emotional stress on top of how the pandemic was most likely already affecting her.

Lola: He didn’t say all this. He just said, “Let’s break up.” I was confused, but he was adamant, and you could even hear the irritation in his voice. No explanation; he just broke up with me and that was it.

And you got back after that how?

Lola: In October 2020, he called me crying.

Dennis: I missed her too much and hated myself for making us separate. A part of me thought she’d call or text to change my mind. I think by the day after I broke things off, I’d changed my mind. 

She never called.

Lola: Why didn’t you call?

So he called you crying, and then what?

Lola: I was confused. I had to drag my sisters into it, and of course, they advised me not to take him back.

I didn’t listen.

Dennis: I kept calling her to apologise and explain myself. I came clean about my depression and how I was already seeing therapists.

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Lola, how did you feel about this revelation?

Lola: I’d already figured out the depression bit when we used to text a lot before his mum passed. He’d constantly question himself and his whole existence. Sometimes, it felt like self-awareness and an urge to be a good person. Other times, it was scary, like he didn’t like himself at all. 

This time around, maybe because I was older, I wondered if I really wanted to be involved in that. But I like him a lot, so I convinced myself I couldn’t just leave him because he was going through things.

Dennis: We didn’t get back together until early December. But then, Christmas was a mess because I was broke AF after COVID, so we didn’t have a decent meetup until around March 2021. In July, we went to Ghana together.

Lola: We were so happy during this period. It was a huge high for him. But by September, he was low again. And I physically experienced his depression for the first time.

What happened?

Lola: Literally, nothing. He could hardly get out of bed in the morning, let alone work or talk to me. We were pretty serious at this point, so I’d started staying over at his place a couple of weeks at a time. Omo, I had to move back to my father’s house at a point o.

Dennis: I was ashamed for her to see me like that. So her leaving was better for me in a way. 

We were so happy together that year that I was sure I wouldn’t be depressed for a long time, but I guess my mental health didn’t respect my actual emotions.

How did this affect your relationship?

Dennis: She stopped taking my calls for some weeks and when she did, she’d ask me if I was feeling better and that was it. I respected her need for space.

Lola: I was confused. I knew what I saw — the inactivity, the lack of concern or emotion — was the depression. But it also made me a bit insecure. What if it was me? What if he was tired of having me around and couldn’t say it?

Dennis: Around November, I went to her place and we talked about it. I told her what my therapist told me about managing my important relationships, how I wanted to do everything within me to make us work.

Lola, I’m curious about how you processed this

Lola: I had to start therapy myself and that helped me personally. It pushed me to ask myself questions and to put myself and my health first before thinking about my feelings for him. 2022 was great for us. It was a lot healthier because I understood him and I understood myself better.

In 2023, we had to take breaks twice. But 2023 was also shege year, so I’m not so worried about it.

Have you guys thought about what the future might look like?

Dennis: A lot. And there’s a lot of uncertainty. But I know I love her, and I’d be lucky to have her with me forever. 

Lola: It’s crazy that we talk about having kids more than we talk about a wedding, but I guess it’s because neither of us is very traditional.

Do you want to have kids?

Lola: Yes, definitely.

Then there’s my mum — who loves him like the son she never had, by the way — who’s always asking when he’ll “do the right thing”. Of course, she doesn’t know about the depression. Until we figure that out, we’re not in a hurry.

Dennis: Sometime in 2023, we started taking joint therapy, and that has helped a whole lot.

Lola: Honestly, I’d recommend it even to couples who feel confident about both their mental health and their relationship.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lola: Hmm. 7? 7.5? We’ve been so intentional with making things work. But I get afraid sometimes.

Dennis: 7.5. I feel lucky to have her.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RELATED: Love Life: I’m Not Sure What We Are Anymore

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nnenna: One Saturday in May 2018, I saw a new female friend’s Instastories where she was hanging out at this get-together. I texted her, and she told me this guy I knew was relocating. I was shocked and wanted to say goodbye to the guy, so I ran there. Only to find out this girl was lying just to get me to leave my house. 

Anyway, the hangout was fun. There were snacks and lots to drink, so I stayed.

That’s how I met Basil. He was one of the guys hanging out there. We started chatting randomly, but I ended up moving to a different guy and kissing him. Later that night, the hangout moved to someone’s street. Basil was there, and the first guy I kissed wasn’t. Basil and I ended up making out that night.

Basil: We kissed for a while. I got her Instagram handle. We talked for a while too. She went home. That night I slid into her DMs, and we started stalking each other on Instagram and SnapChat. More on Snap after a couple of days.

Did you know about the other guy she kissed, Basil?

Basil: It eventually came out because the guy was an asshole. The moment he knew I was starting to like her and talk about her, and we were going to be a thing, he started running his mouth. 

We run in the same circles. He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, so somehow, he was always in my house.

Nnenna: The guy was an idiot. Can you believe he had a girlfriend?

I told Basil about the kiss some weeks after that night. That’s when I heard that the guy had been using me to boast. He even started trying to invite me over for things, whether it was drinks or a hangout or to come to his place. I would send screenshots to Basil telling him to call his “friend” out. Someone who already had a girlfriend, SMH.

How did the drama play out?

Nnenna: Nothing much happened once the guy noticed I was ignoring him. I just stopped hearing from him or seeing him around when I visited Basil or any of our mutual friends.

Basil: Some of my guys confronted him. He eventually got angry and started avoiding us.

Nnenna: I didn’t think too much of it. Basil and I were going strong. I felt like I was completely in love with him because he made me feel special. We hung out a lot and were always texting or calling when we weren’t together. I loved that I had his full attention. 

It was easy because he wasn’t working at the time, and I was just starting an internship, so we had all the time and energy in the world. Then, he told me he was going for his master’s in England and he probably wasn’t coming back to Nigeria.

Ahh. What did that mean for your blossoming relationship?

Basil: My japa plan was in motion a long time before we met. I wasn’t even looking to enter a relationship when we started liking each other, so I was conflicted for a while. But refusing a route out of Obasanjo’s country because of love was something I didn’t feel was an option for me. My parents definitely wouldn’t have heard me out.

When I told her, I was so sure she would cuss me out and then block me, but she didn’t.

Nnenna: I wasn’t that strong. This was a few months after we met, and I was already falling hard. I cried myself to sleep the night he told me. But over the phone, I formed hard guy. I thought he was breaking up with me, so I said, “It’s alright. I understand.” 

A part of me felt he just used me for cruise because he knew he wouldn’t be here for long. He said, “This isn’t over between us. I want us to make this work.” But in my mind, I was like, “This boy is a liar, ahh.” I didn’t think long-distance relationships were realistic at all.

What happened after the big reveal?

Basil: I continued calling her every day until I got busy with travel preparations and all. I noticed she was withdrawing from me in terms of how open she was during our chats. Normally, she’d be so detailed about everything that happened in her office. How her supervisors were exploiting her for basic errands. How some woman kept looking at her anyhow. How her dad doesn’t take her work seriously. How the commute was draining her soul. 

After I told her about my trip, we started having slow, drawn-out conversations that felt more like we were mourning the relationship. It was bittersweet because I knew it meant she really liked me and would miss me. I was just happy she kept taking my calls and staying on them for hours even when we wouldn’t say a word to each other.

Nnenna: I was crying all the time. It was like I was a newlywed whose husband was going off to war or something. I couldn’t even tell my parents why I was moping around the house all the time. They didn’t know about the relationship. They didn’t even think I should be having one so young. 

I’m an only child. My friends didn’t understand why I was so sad because I barely knew him. He wanted me to go with him and his family to the airport on the day of his departure, but I didn’t. I told him I’d meet up with him, and then, I turned off my phone the whole day.

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But why?

Nnenna: I didn’t think I was strong enough for that. I also didn’t want that to be the way I met his family for the first time. Lastly, I still thought it was goodbye forever, but a part of me also wasn’t ready for the closure.

Basil: I was crushed. I cried as I left my family to go check in, and they thought it was because I would miss them. No, I was heartbroken. 

Nnenna: We didn’t speak to each other again for months.

Basil: I was angry with her for breaking my heart.

Nnenna: I literally felt the same way. See life.

How did things pick back up?

Basil: She just WhatsApped me one day after like three months, asking how school was going.

Nnenna: I missed him. I was angry he didn’t reach out, but I figured I’d make the first move, and if he didn’t return my energy after a while, I’d chop my L and withdraw. I thought, at the very least, we could still be friends.

Basil: To be honest, I hadn’t reached out to her because I was so overwhelmed with the workload in those first few months that I couldn’t even think. The moment I saw her WhatsApp, it was like God was telling me he still loved me. I grabbed my phone and texted her back. That’s how we kicked things back up.

So a long-distance relationship? How did that work?

Basil: I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend pretty early on. While we were in Nigeria, we actually never made it official. 

Nnenna: That was funny because, before him, I always said I’d never take any guy seriously who didn’t ask for a committed relationship point blank. Now, I know you can always tell when something is serious. Action is stronger than words. 

After he asked me to be his girlfriend, we started talking about how I’d join him in London. I started applying for scholarships up and down. I needed something fully funded because I knew raising money for me to relocate wasn’t part of my parents’ plans. I must’ve applied over 200 times in that first year, but nothing reasonable came through.

Basil: In the meantime, we did a lot of talking, video calling and stalking each other on Snapchat. I “virtually” went along with her to most of the events she attended. 

We still have daily calls and check-ins and virtual dates. The pandemic really helped us because the tech world stepped up with cool new ways to help people connect virtually. We loved it when Netflix Party became a thing. We enjoyed all those virtual museum tours that became available during that period too. 

Nnenna: We’d have most of our meals together over Zoom, and when MTN wasn’t being our opp, it really helped us feel like we’re part of the meaningful aspects of each other’s lives.

We should do that more often actually. I miss that.

Have either of you ever been tempted to move on with someone within reach?

Basil: Yes. All the time. I second guess our relationship all the time, especially with pressure from friends. 

But it never lasts. I just like her too much at the moment. We’re so connected because we always communicate. I see her every day even though we’re not even on the same continent. Our relationship feels very real, and I constantly long for her, so it’s difficult to let go. Not that I want to. 

Nnenna: We talk about it a lot too. We always reassess where we stand with each other. Sometimes, a guy would flirt with me. I think he’s really cute, someone I might date. But the next thing I know, I’m telling Basil about him and laughing it off. I just wish it was easier to travel or relocate as a Nigerian. I’ve had my visa application denied four times for no reason. It’s hell, and everything is so expensive.

Basil: It’s like the universe is making it harder because we both want it so much. Every year, one family member or the other gets their visa approved on the first try.

Nnenna: Sometimes, I’m scared we might end up moving on from each other, but I don’t want that day to come. My parents always tell me I’m behaving like this because I’m still young. They say things like, “You’re wasting your youth on what may never be.”

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How do you feel about their lack of support for the relationship?

Nnenna: I don’t know how I feel about it. Sad? Worried? I know they’re reacting out of fear because they see me constantly on my phone or laptop, caught up with some guy who has an established life across the ocean. They’re worried I might get hurt.

But I just know how Basil makes me feel seen and loved all the time.

Basil: My parents get like that too sometimes, but it’s not as bad because I also have to speak with them over the phone. I used to get this vibe that they didn’t think I should be so serious about a girl who was still in Nigeria. My mum liked to ask, “Haven’t you met any nice Nigerian girls in London yet?” 

But since 2023, they’ve come to realise I’m serious about our relationship. I’m already making plans to return to Naij for the first time since I left, just to see her again. I’ve been saving for it. The plan is to come in the summer and get away together for up to a week.

What are the chances of an in-person relationship anytime soon?

Nnenna: I don’t know. I thought for sure I would’ve joined him by now. But now, I’m wondering where I got that certainty from knowing I have no substantial funding from anywhere.

Basil: Last month, I asked her to marry me.

Nnenna: We’re not officially engaged yet. I haven’t told my parents or friends, and we don’t have a ring. Only us and his parents know. It feels wild, but I’m excited. I’m scared of the unknown but excited still.

Basil: I’m scared too. I have no idea what I’m doing. But we go run am.

A long-distance marriage?

Basil: God, no! 

With us married, it’d be easier for her to get her visa approved and to get both our families to support us in cash and kind. Of course, we’ve both been saving for a while too.

Nnenna: We’re not rushing to do the wedding, but once we do, we’ll go ham on my relocation plans. 

Have you had any major fights so far?

Basil: The number one thing we fight about is when I try to “lecture” after she vents about something. This is an old one because I’ve come to learn my lesson and stop “mansplaining”, as she calls it.

Nnenna: Urggh. In the first year of our relationship since he left, I’d rant to him maybe about a work issue, and he’d start telling me how to fix it like I’m not thinking straight. He’d be like, “Don’t react like this. Take a breather. This is why this is happening. Have you made a plan to solve that?” I’d get so worked up because obviously, I know I’ll figure it out once I’m not angry anymore.

Basil: I realised that when she rants, she just wants me to be a listening ear and support her motion. I used to get upset that she was upset I told her the truth. Then I’d still have to apologise. Ahh. Tough times.

Nnenna: We also fight over him Netflix cheating on me!

Sorry?

Nnenna: We have virtual movie dates every weekend, but sometimes, especially when it’s a series we’re watching together, he’d watch some episodes during the week without me. I think it’s the subtlest but heaviest betrayal of trust. Then he’d try to pretend he didn’t, but the truth always comes out.

Basil: I can’t help it that I have better internet and more time. And I haven’t done that in a while. I’m sorry, love.

Nnenna: It’s so annoying. 

One time, I was on leave throughout the week, but I still waited for our agreed-upon time on Saturday so we could continue watching a show. For some reason, we didn’t get to watch it that weekend. Do you know this guy still went ahead and watched the whole season later on without me? 

When I remembered and asked that we finally watch it, he just told me he’d already seen it all. I was so pained. I still haven’t finished that show till today.

Basil: Again, I plead for your forgiveness.

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Basil: A high 7. The long-distance is killing me. Does that sound like the lyrics to an old song?

Nnenna: Yeah. 7 too. 

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

SUPER RELATED: Love Life: We Got Married So We Can Be Gay in Peace

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Yemi: We met at Bogobiri House in 2015. 

A friend invited me to his friend’s live music performance, and I went because I was trying to get out more and expand my circle. I’d just transitioned from a highly demanding job to a more laid-back role, and it felt like I could finally breathe and be human. I think that outing was my first since I switched jobs, so I probably behaved like someone who was just let out of jail.

Anyway, at some point, this fine babe walked in with two or three of her friends, all girls. I just found myself staring at her as she walked by and sat by the bar during the show. I’d liked guys for a long time at that point, but I noticed her because she just had an aura. I knew I wanted to get to know her.

Joy: I tagged along with my friends from another event. From Bogobiri, we were supposed to go somewhere again. But then, when we wanted to leave like two hours later, he walked up to us to say hi. I thought he looked good so when he asked to exchange numbers, I gave him my number. 

He ended up coming with us and one of his friends to our next destination – a club. It was a Saturday night. We all hung out for a while then figured out how we would get home together. I ended up in the same cab as him, as the two people who didn’t have cars. He dropped off first and made me swear I’d text him when I was home and safe. So I did. 

And that’s how the whole thing started.

What started exactly?

Joy: We would text and hang out all the time. Lunch today, drinks tomorrow, company events, sometimes. Most times, his and my friends would be there too, but we both knew we were getting close to each other. 

I had a girlfriend at the time. We were pretty secretive about our relationship, as you can imagine. But we were still serious about each other until she decided to marry a man and we became more like a complicated situation. When it was five months into my new friendship with Yemi, I realised I was really lonely and wanted to be in something that felt secure, something I could be open about even if it wasn’t completely real. 

So I tried to tease him into asking me out.

Yemi: I noticed she was coming on to me, but I didn’t want to reveal anything to her yet. I don’t know exactly why I asked her to be my girlfriend till today. Maybe a part of me just wanted to eat my cake and have it. I wanted to be close to her. I liked her laidback personality, and this woman is a beaut. Are you seeing her? But I also didn’t want her to know I was gay. I know that sounds stupid.

Not really. I’m curious how the relationship progressed considering your conflicting sexualities

Joy: We didn’t get into it right away. 

First, we talked for about two to three months, and I do think we have such a strong emotional connection. You know how people say you can cheat just by offering yourself emotionally to people besides your partner or family members? I know what they mean. He really does feel like my soulmate despite my lack of interest in being intimate with him.

Yemi: We’re the best of friends. Our talking stage was one of the few great periods of my life, especially as I was just coming into having a social life at the time. We’d dissect things about each other. It was a period of soul-searching for me. She helped me discover what my preferences were. What was my favourite food or colour or kind of ambiance? She made me figure those things out.

Joy: I found it fascinating that he was just figuring out simple things like that about himself. It felt like he was finding himself through our discussions, and I was so happy to be a part of that. I knew what it was like to work at an intense, cut-throat job that takes like five years of your life without you even noticing. 

I think, after that, we started to really need those conversations and verbal support from each other. I liked how open he was to listening to my thoughts and things I was happy or frustrated about without feeling like he needed to advise me or instruct me on the “right” decisions to make. 

When did things get serious between you two?

Joy: We pretty much just started having more private outings. We’d go on dates just to talk more in person and have a good time alone together. But during this time, I did notice that he never tried to touch me or steal a kiss like guys tried to do in the past — even guys I wasn’t trying to get into a relationship with. I loved that he respected boundaries. Little did I know the real reason why.

Yemi: I was having a good time enjoying her company, but also debating in my head when I should come clean. I didn’t want her to run just yet. Around that time, I was sleeping with this guy I liked, but I still felt very lonely. On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating on two counts. Still, I went on with it because her company just made me happy. 

Joy: Beyond the dates, he’d send me money all the time, so I started putting in effort to get him elaborate gifts on special occasions. We got to know each other’s parents — and they were all relieved that we weren’t gay — and we hadn’t even kissed at this point. I didn’t bring it up because I was completely okay with that.

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Please, at what point did the truth come out?

Yemi: It was getting to a year since we became more committed to each other, and we were talking more than ever, sharing some really sensitive details about our lives and past. 

When I told her about it, it came so naturally. It was just time. I was like “I love you, but romantically, I like men.” I know it’s crazy, but because of the conversation we were having when it came out, I didn’t expect her to be shocked or angry at all. And she wasn’t. She was just like “Oh. I saw that coming.” And that’s when I knew she was my best friend. Just the tone and the look on her face. I knew she got me.

Joy: I smiled at him. But I didn’t tell him my part until much later. We continued like nothing had changed. We were even closer than ever. We were in each other’s flats all the time. We went everywhere together, except maybe work.

Why didn’t you just tell right away? 

Joy: I didn’t want to overdo it with the revelations. I also wanted his own to land first. I had to process what that meant to our relationship, how lucky we actually were — two gays of opposite genders getting along so well. I didn’t want to potentially ruin that yet.

Yemi: Don’t mind her. She wanted to drag out my internal torture just a bit longer.

Joy: I was also spinning a plan together that I wanted to give myself time to sell to him.

Which was?

Joy: We could properly commit and give ourselves the freedom to be who we really were. I mean, what were the chances that we, gay millennials, would ever have the chance to be with and marry people we were actually attracted to? 

I always tell people I’ve been cursed with an eternally broken heart. You think the streets are tough for you as a straight person? Try dating when everyone involved knows they don’t have to commit because they legally can’t. I thought, since we were in the same boat and understood each other so well, we could be each other’s family then get romance and sex elsewhere. 

It’s worked out well for us so far.

Yemi: It’s not the most ideal situation, but she’s right, it works. I know I waited a year to tell her the truth about me, but I would’ve been miserable if I ended up having to lie to someone for real just because I wanted to get married and have a home. So many Nigerians do that, but I didn’t want to be forced to be that guy. I’m glad I met Joy.

Joy, how did you eventually own up and reveal your plan?

Joy: It took a couple of months. 

It was a week to my birthday and we were making plans for a picnic with a few of our friends. I said I would’ve preferred it if it was just the two of us, and he frowned just a little bit. Then he said he’d love that too, but he hoped he wasn’t leading me on. When he said, “I can’t really offer you much beyond companionship”, my heart broke because I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I absolutely wanted the companionship he thought wasn’t a big deal.

Yemi: Meanwhile, I was beating myself up about everything.

Joy: I just started crying, and I saw the panic in his face. He thought I was heartbroken for the wrong reasons. But I couldn’t say anything because I was crying too hard. He started apologising, saying he’d step back and leave me alone if that’s what I wanted. I had to force the words out of my mouth that that was the last thing I wanted. When I calmed down, I told him I was a lesbian and I was sorry I didn’t tell him sooner. 

He actually said he didn’t believe me.

Yemi: I honestly didn’t. I thought she was pulling my legs or just trying to make me feel better. For a slim second, I even thought she made it up just because she liked me so much that she didn’t want me to leave.

Joy: But why are you so conceited?

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Why does it feel like you proposed to each other right after this episode?

Yemi: Not exactly. But she did tell me we could stay committed so we could both be gay in peace. While it felt conniving in a way, it also sounded like the answer to all my relationship problems.

Joy: My birthday came and went, and we basically stayed strong. I was at an age when everyone you know is married with two kids and people start asking you when your own will come. So, in my head, I was like let’s just do it. I was that sure I wanted to be committed to him. But at the same time, I wasn’t in a hurry. I wasn’t desperate for it. I was happy and independent, my career was going well and good enough money was coming in.

Yemi: It wasn’t until 2019, almost three years after we’d opened our closet to each other, that we started talking seriously about what our future together would look like. We’d both had steady sleeping partners for a while. It was time to be sure we were still on the same page. When she promised me she was, I went and got a ring and proposed to her over dinner at my place — I cooked!

Joy: The food was great; fried yam and stir-fry sauce. I debated telling him no at first. But I couldn’t do it. I said yes immediately, and we fell asleep on the couch after finishing a bottle of red wine between us. I called my mum first thing in the morning.

How was the wedding? Did you feel anyhow about the real situation of things as your families fussed over you?

Joy: They didn’t really fuss over us. My parents had given away three daughters at that point. They’d long given up on me. But yes, I wanted to tell my aunties that I was really a lesbian and this was all a cover, just to rile them up. Obviously, nothing would’ve been worth all the drama that would’ve caused.

Yemi: It was during COVID, so it was a quiet wedding. Most of my friends, the groomsmen, were queer. So besides maybe the elders in my family, I wasn’t really deceiving anyone. And for the elders, don’t we all have to deceive them over one thing or the other because they refuse to modernise their minds? 

I won’t say I didn’t feel anyhow, but the fact that I knew Joy wasn’t in the dark on anything, and she actually initiated the idea, made me at peace. 

Joy: At the end of the day, we really do love each other and are best of friends. It might be platonic, but I believe it’s just as powerful as the romantic version.

And what’s married life like while hiding your sexuality from the world?

Joy: There’s been drama, but not too much. Thankfully, our society doesn’t expect PDAs anyway, so we’re good.

Yemi: It’s been just as dramatic as any other marriage can be. We have squabbles over the littlest things: toothbrushes, who should take out the trash, what to watch on TV. Oh, and figuring out our plan for kids was one long drama that brought in most of our family.

Joy: Shockingly, we didn’t have a broad enough conversation about children before the wedding. We knew we wouldn’t be having sex, but we somehow also wanted kids. There were the IVF or surrogacy options, but we didn’t have that kind of money at first, especially after paying for the rent and renovation of our new three-bedroom flat.

Yemi: So when, a year into our marriage, my mother started bringing up kids, we felt so sheepish. It came down to having sex just for procreation.

Joy: I couldn’t do it. I absolutely didn’t want to do it. In fact, I was so convinced it would ruin us and everything we’d built because I knew it would be an unpleasant experience for both of us. This hung over our heads for months, like it was the biggest life-changing decision of our lives.

Yemi: It was, in a way. 

In the end, we decided to save up for a couple of months for the IVF. But then, it failed three whole times. We had a daughter in July 2023, and I like to ring it in her ears that we went bankrupt just to have her.

What about the “extra-marital” affairs? How do you navigate them within your marriage?

Yemi: You mean, the people we actually have sex with? It’s been strangely easy to manage so far. I was sure that was what would strain our marriage and have us ready to throw hands, but no. My current partner loves Joy and is in our home helping with our daughter a couple of nights a week. It might seem weird or complicated, but it really isn’t. Joy hasn’t quite had a steady partner in some time though.

Joy: No. For now, I’m okay with being purely maternal and a great companion. 

How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yemi: 10/10

Joy: Let’s call a spade a spade, please.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

Another complicated relationship story here: Love Life: I’m Not Sure What We Are Anymore

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Abiodun: Walking onto a train from Ibadan to Lagos and seeing her in the seat beside the one I was assigned. It was a fateful afternoon on May 21, 2022. After I sat, she looked at me with this bombastic side-eye.

Saidat: I did not. I was just hoping to travel without a seat partner that day. But he smelt nice, so I found myself smiling after a while. It was a nice first meeting.

Why was it a nice first meeting?

Saidat: He was a cool guy. I knew he was a bit older, and he acted his age. Very mature. We started a casual conversation some minutes into the ride. I think he mentioned how impressed he was with the quality of the train. He didn’t expect to be so comfortable. 

It was his first time on it. Meanwhile, I was serving in Ibadan and had schooled in UI, so I’d taken the train several times already. I commented that he thinks too lowly of Nigeria. That’s how we discussed other topics and three hours passed like beans. It was my fastest train trip ever.

Abiodun: I was immediately interested in her because of how smoothly our conversations went. I hadn’t had that in a while with someone I’d just met. I admired her smartness too. She’s an original efiko.

Where did things go from there?

Abiodun: Naturally, I collected her number as we got ready to disembark. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to get something to eat with me, but I was in a hurry to meet up with an appointment, so we parted ways.

Saidat: Once I left the station, I didn’t think much of it again. I think I told my elder sister about this guy I had a good rapport with on the train, then I put him at the back of my mind. I came to Lagos for an event and was returning to IB the next day.

Abiodun: I, on the other hand, couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I called the next day and was so disappointed she’d left for Ibadan already. I wasn’t due back till a week later. As soon as I got back, I called her again. I don’t even know why. I just wanted to see her in a different scenario.

And what was the next meeting like?

Abiodun: It took about a week before she agreed to go see a movie with me. We didn’t end up seeing the movie because they changed the schedule last minute, and we had to wait almost two hours for the next reasonable movie. We ended up sitting down for ice cream and pizza.

Saidat: It was fun. We talked some more, got to know each other. And I enjoyed the conversation once again. He paid for everything, including my transport back and forth. That’s when I knew this uncle probably wanted something more. But I liked that he respected himself and wasn’t too forward. 

I’d been talking to some other guys at the time, but he went to the top of my list quickly because we just got each other. Talking to him about personal things was easy, even over the phone. I also liked that he, unlike all the other guys, had a steady job and seemed to have his life figured out. 

We continued on in this talking stage until I moved back to Lagos after I passed out of NYSC in November.

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Why did the talking stage take seven months?

Abiodun: It sounds crazy, but it didn’t feel that way at the time. We were just taking all the time we needed to get to know each other deeply and be friends first.

Saidat: I was comfortable with it. We didn’t have to define anything too soon because I was at a point in my life when I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. But then, the lines blurred while we were in Ibadan. We were technically in a talking stage, but soon, other things started happening. 

By the time I left in November, we were more like a situation.

When you say “other things”…

Saidat: Things got physical. I was a corper. I wasn’t taking life seriously at the time.

Abiodun: The attraction was there. The feelings were there. But she wasn’t just in the right frame of mind yet, and I wanted to give her the space to figure herself out.

Saidat: November came and I was back in Lagos facing the job market and full adulthood. Though we said we’d continue figuring out what we had, the new distance between us made it harder for things to move forward. We spoke over the phone on and off until it was getting to Valentine’s Day 2023. I told him I was expecting a lot from him since he’d been leading me on for so long.

Abiodun: I took a leave from work and came to Lagos the weekend before Valentine. We spent about three days hanging out. Sometime on the day itself, I decided we had to label our relationship once and for all.

Saidat: That night, he called me and said, “Can I call you my girlfriend now?” I wanted to say yes, but then, I remembered he was still based in Ibadan. I wasn’t hoping to live there again anytime soon. I asked if he ever planned to relocate to Lagos. He said no. I was torn. I couldn’t imagine myself doing long distance forever. So I posted him. 

I thought the relationship would end there, but guess who started visiting Ibadan every month from then on?

Hmm. A finished woman?

Abiodun: We went back and forth on our special train to see each other. She came more because it took her a while to get a job. Then she got a bank job and our visits reduced to every other month. At a point, my neighbours started calling her my wife. Mind you, we still hadn’t committed.

Saidat: I didn’t like the long-distance thing at all. I didn’t think it was sustainable. But I’d been talking to other guys and not a single one was meeting my small standards. They weren’t as easy to get along with as AB, so I didn’t want to let him go. 

He was helpful in ways I don’t get from these guys either. I mean, career advice and such. My relatives are helpful, but he just knows a lot about how to get ahead and helps me stay disciplined.

Have you guys worked out the distance problem yet?

Saidat: Nope. We’re still on it. I’ve been travelling to see him less since I got deep into office work some months ago. These days, I’m just tired and want to sleep any time I have a little free time. But we’re always talking over the phone, and sometimes, it feels like we’re already dating. Other times, it’s like we’re just best friends. I don’t know how to figure it out.

Abiodun: I know last last, I’ll have to relocate if I want this to work. I’m already searching for opportunities in Lagos. I need to show her I’m serious about her. But right now, she’s not even giving me face. I’m not so sure what we are anymore.

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Are you sure about moving? Don’t you have family in Ibadan?

Abiodun: I do. My mum. But I live alone. If I move to Lagos, I can still always visit. Many of my friends are in Lagos already. It’s the place everyone wants to be. 

The only reason I haven’t moved since is because I work with an established company. I’ve been with them for seven years now. They retained me after my own NYSC, and it’s one of those jobs people pray for. I can’t just let it go like that. That’s why any opportunity that brings me to Lagos has to make sense.

Saidat: I’m not saying you should leave your perfect job for me o.

Abiodun: My mum won’t mind me leaving as long as it’s for greener pastures, and I can continue sending funds for my two younger siblings’ school fees.

Saidat, how does your family feel about the relationship?

Saidat: Only my siblings know for now, and they’re supportive. They don’t want me to move back to IB though. But mostly because they don’t want to be apart from me. My elder sister also doesn’t want to see me move in with a man so early.

Abiodun: I’ve met all her siblings, and they love me. I can’t wait to meet her parents too. It’s clear to see they’re such a close-knit family unlike what I’m used to. I can’t wait to experience that with her.

But what if you’re never able to move to be with her?

Abiodun: Never say never. There’s always a way. Why won’t Lagos have a good enough opportunity for me? It’s only a matter of time.

Saidat: Energy! I think we’ll be fine either way. Maybe I’ll talk myself into moving to be with him.

Abiodun: Something must sha happen. I’m tired of this one step forward two steps backward in our relationship. I keep thinking I’ll wake up one morning and she’ll say, “Sorry, I’ve moved on with someone else.” Distance is a bastard sha. 

Have you had a major fight yet?

Abiodun: No. No major fights.

Saidat: But we argue about the distance a lot. He also gets touchy when I tell him men are toasting me.

Abiodun: People are always in her DMs or chatting her up on WhatsApp. Why did I have to fall for such a hot cake, God? These days, I just take it in my stride and appreciate her for being transparent with me. It’s not like I’m not talking to girls on my side either.

Saidat: We’re not exactly exclusive right now. But I think deep down, he’ll always have my heart.

That’s nice

Saidat: Another thing we fight about when I’m at his place is little things like cleaning after himself and not wanting me to move things around too much. He lives in organised chaos and still acts protective over where things like his remotes or toiletries are kept. He’s getting too used to this bachelor life.

Abiodun: This is why you need to come and save me from it.

Saidat: Who is saving you?

Won’t this become an issue when you finally enter the relationship?

Saidat: If it becomes an issue, it’ll be a really small one. We won’t have to make into a big deal. I think it’s one of those relationship differences you have to tolerate. 

Abiodun: I don’t even remember the scenarios she’s describing. It’s definitely a small thing. We’re very easygoing with each other. We cut each other some slack because we know neither of us is perfect. Let’s get past the relationship huddle first.

Can you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Abiodun: We neva even start. 1 o. Or 2, just so you know there’s love there.

Saidat: Come on nau. Me, I’ll say 5. I think we’d have drifted apart a long time ago if we didn’t have something good. You’ve actually been my personal person in so many ways so far. Thank you.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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