love | Page 49 of 51 | Zikoko!

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love | Page 49 of 51 | Zikoko!

How My Nigerian Parents Met My Boyfriend

So l had been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year.

Sweet and juicy love!
And so he said it was a good time for him to meet my parents.

Ehn?
And because I have crazy Nigerian parents, we planned and plotted for almost 2 weeks so nothing would go wrong.

Its not easy like that oh!
I even prayed and fasted just in case.

One week dry fasting so even heaven knows that I’m serious.
The great day arrived and I was so nervous and stressed.

What am I doing for goodness sake?
Unfortunately (or fortunately), after all my planning my parents were stuck in traffic.

So I have to do another prayer again?
So after waiting for 3 hours, my boyfriend and I gave up on waiting.

Abeg we cannot come and die oh!
I escorted him to the car and kissed him goodbye (a bit too passionately but that is young sweet love).

Sweetest love!
Lo and behold, I turned around and saw my parents standing in front of the gate, looking at the both of us.

HAYYYY!
My mother was like:

Shame on you!
My father was like:

“This girl has spoilt oh!”
My boyfriend was like:

He could not even talk. Mumu!
I was like:

Why always me oh? Why always me?
That’s how I started stammering and trying to introduce this man that was licking my mouth and holding my waist.

“P-P-Please allow me explain”
Before I could even explain properly my mother was like:

Ah! Yes ma! Sorry ma!
My father was like:

Ewo!
My father even chased him away.

It was so embarrassing!
It took me a while to explain and explain that they “caught us at a bad time” and he’s a really great person.

Please you people come and see my life outside oh.
And they even finally agreed to meet him properly.

Ayyyyy finally!
BUT they still refer to him as “that one that was biting your mouth outside our gate abi?”

Can you imagine?

Jola Ayeye

July 25, 2016

General

boyfriend, Couple, Funny, girlfriend, love, Nigerian parents
My (Almost) Sugar Daddy And Me

I had just been promoted at work, so I went to have lunch somewhere very nice to congratulate myself.

Yass!
I really enjoyed myself oh, eating and overeating sef.

Is it your promotion? Allow me jere!
When it was time to pay, the waiter told me my bill had been taken care of and a “really nice man” wanted to appreciate me.

Oh?
What I was hoping to see:

Yes sir, Anything you want sir.
What I saw:

Ah! Maybe not.
This big daddy waddled to me and without any wasting of time, told me he is ready to take care of me.

You mean am?
I told him “no thank you” and tried to pay him back the money.

Baba carry your wahala and go oh!
He refused oh and started promising to fly me all around the world, buy me things and show me a good time.

Ahn ahn! Is it by force?
Me:

Oga go and fry this your dodo elsewhere!
Before I could even say anything again I just heard one booming voice “EHEN CLETUS SO THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE?”

EWO!
My almost sugar daddy’s wife had come to fight him oh!

Kasala don burst!
Before I could run away she had carried water and poured on me and started calling me “husband snatcher”.

Which kind of problem is this?
Ah! Before she carried food to add and pour on me I ran out of the place with speed and alacrity!

Somebody help me!
That’s how I had to go back to the office looking like shame and regret.

This is not the life I was promised!
Since that day this is me when any older looking man smiles at me:

It’s not me you people will kill!

Jola Ayeye

July 22, 2016

General

love, lust, Men, Nigeria, Nigerian, sugar daddy, Women
The Toaster That Wouldn’t Go Away

So one day I was on my way home from work after a particularly frustrating day

Everyday suffer suffer!
All of a sudden someone just appeared beside me saying “fine sister how are you?”

What does this one want now?
This man that I had never seen before started talking something about “I admire you and I want to know you”

Which kind of wahala is this?
After repeating a few times that I was uninterested, he left me alone

Thank God!
Or so I thought…

Na wa for this one oh!
The next day he was on the same street to ‘escort me’

Escort me to where please?
The day after that, he was ‘just passing to greet me’

Please pass another side sir.
Just so I could hear word I gave him my number

Big mistake!
The next day he sent me 20 messages

Ahn ahn!
The day after he sent me even more messages

Which kind of one chance is this oh?
I decided to block his number

Finally! Peace of mind!
That’s how he started using another number to call me

Won’t this man give up?
I blocked that one too

It’s not by force please.
The next day this man was back on that street to “greet you”

Ah! I’m tired oh. I’m tired.
The day after he wanted to make sure I was okay because he had a dream I was not feeling fine

Joseph the dreamer l’omo!
I finally told him that I am a marine spirit and he has passed my love test and baba was like

Ahn ahn Mr Loverboy where are you going to?

Jola Ayeye

July 20, 2016

Gist

Experiences, Funny, hilarious, love, Relationship
A Post For Nigerians Who Love Food, By Nigerians Who Love Food

1. When you don’t want to go out but you hear “free food”.

My body is ready.
2. When you go for a buffet and someone tries to enter your front.

Better respect yourself.
3. When your mother starts doubting your stomach.

4. When the person serving food at the owambe keeps passing you.

See my life.
5. When the caterer tries to block your blessing.

Better face your front.
6. Your plate at every owambe:

Can’t dull it.
7. When you follow your friend to a fancy restaurant and you see the tiny portions.

Am I a goat?
8. When there is still flesh on your bone and your waiter tries to clear your plate.

You want to die, ba?
9. When someone wants to take you on a date that doesn’t involve food.

Are we in the abroad?
10. Your monthly food budget:

Food is the most important, abeg.
11. When you buy take-away but finish the food before you get home.

Don’t judge me.
12. When your friend says you spend too much money on food.

Face your front.
13. Nigerian mothers: “…when you’re always eating.”

Hay God!
14. When you dish your food and one aunty comes to say “for you alone?!”

Please, go to your house.
15. When your siblings eat the food you kept in the fridge.

Blood is not thicker than food oh!
16. When the person saying grace for food starts praying too long.

Can we eat, biko?
17. You, leaving every party with food like:

I cannot carry last.
If you love food as much as we do, don’t carry last on the 500dishes Foodfest:

YASSS!!! Zikoko will be there hosting the food competition of life – Zikoko Hunger Games.
And before you say Zikoko never did anything nice for you, we will be giving away free tickets to some lucky readers.

All you have to do is share this post on either Twitter or Facebook and we will pick at random.
You can also get 10% off when buying your 500dishes foodfest tickets using the voucher code “ZIKOKO”.

Head to 500dishes.com/foodfest to get your tickets.

Daniel Orubo

July 20, 2016

Oldies

Africa, eat, Food, love, Nigeria, sponsored
The Struggles Of Being Romantic In Lagos

So that’s how one Lagos boy just finished watching a nollywood romance movie and started feeling inspired

It’s time to move to the next level.
So he does more “research” and plots and plans like a real Lagos boy

It’s a serious matter!
He first takes one babe for a picnic in the park

Eat. Love. Nature…. “romantic sometings”.
But then all the insects in Lagos decide to join them

Na wa for Lagos nature oh.
On to the next babe… because he has many.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
He decides to take the next babe on a long drive

Love in the time of potholes.
But then they enter one deadly traffic

Mo daran!
Then he decides to up his game and write her a “not so anonymous” anonymous letter

Shakespeare abeg shift, the real writers are here!
Only for her to complain that one idiot wrote her an anonymous letter talking rubbish

Can you imagine? After all his hard work oh.
Then he battles another traffic just to play romantic music outside her window

This one must click.
Only to get to her gate and hear “ah madam said I should say she is not around oh”

You say what?
Then finally he tries to do a real romance and kiss in the rain

Come on baby!
Only for her to start shouting that he ruined her hair and now she has cattarh

Aunty you will not kill someone sha!
So he decides to give up and goes back to his normal level of late night call, credit and shawarma

Son of man cannot come and go and die. Not everything is for everybody abeg!
Moral of the story; not everytime copy-cata, sometimes face your front

Leave romance for nollywood, biko.

Jola Ayeye

July 19, 2016

General

hollywood, Lagos, love, romance
14 Weird Ways Nigerian Parents Show That They Love You

1. When they insult you at home but defend you in public.

So strange.
2. When they say “we are only beating you because we love you.”

I don’t understand this love oh.
3. When they call you to come and eat right after beating you.

They have already forgiven you.
4. When they allow you to go and take extra meat.

THE BEST!
5. When they still give you offering money even as an adult.

You are still a child to them.
6. When they always find a way to bring home food from owambes for you.

You must eat what they ate.
7. When your relatives try to report you to your parents and they give them:

Just once in a while, but it’s so sweet.
8. When they spend an eternity praying for you whenever you’re about to travel.

They must pray for journey mercies first.
9. When they buy you a phone that is more expensive than their own.

They got you smartphone and they are still using 3310.
10. When your sibling chooks mouth when they are scolding you and they turn and face them.

They are lowkey defending you.
11. When they start trying to play with you right after punishing you.

I don’t like this play.
12. When they make you stay home in the name of keeping you safe.

The worst.
13. When you misbehave but your mother doesn’t report you to your father.

The biggest act of kindness.
14. When you call your father to ‘greet him’ and he just asks:

Daddy, you sabi abeg.

Daniel Orubo

July 12, 2016

Oldies

african parents, father, growing up, love, mother, Nigerian parents
QUIZ: When Should You Say ‘I Love You’?

…coz even your boo get a boo…

Odunayo

June 8, 2016

In Your Feels, Quizzes, Ships

I love you, love, Say
15 Lies You’ll Hear When A Nigerian Guy Likes You

1. “You look familiar.”

The Nigerian pick-up line as old as our independence.
2. “I only want to get to know you.”

He actually means “know” in the biblical sense.
3. “I just want us to be friends.”

The screensaver lie. He is still planning you.
4. “I’m single.”

Single = Less than 3 women.
5. “I have a girlfriend but we are having issues.”

He is the “issue”.
6. “I’m going to leave her for you.”

Don’t hold your breath.
7. “You’re the only girl I’m talking to.”

You’re not even the only girl he is talking to that second.
8. “She is just a friend.”

Yeah, they’ve been “friends” for 5 years and they have 2 children.
9. “I’m ignoring other girls because of you.”

Na so.
10. “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

Save it.
11. “I’m not like other guys.”

He means he is worse.
12. “I’d never cheat on you.”

He actually means he’ll never get caught.
13. “I don’t play games.”

He will now turn you to PlayStation.
14. “I love you.”

After just 5 minutes of meeting you. Oshey, Disney Prince.
15. “I’m ready for marriage.”

You’ll now end up engaged for 10 years.

Daniel Orubo

May 25, 2016

Oldies

african, Lies, Like, love, Nigerian
15 Signs You Are Actually In A ‘Situationship’ With A Nigerian Man

What is a situationship?

So, how do you know you’re actually in a situationship with that your Nigerian “boyfriend”?

1. When you think you have found “the one”, then you realize you are just one of the shareholders.

Chai!

2. When you ask him “what are we?”

Oshey, Wale Adenuga.

3. When he sees you talking to another man after saying he doesn’t want anything serious.

Hay God!

4. His face, when you tell him you love him.

Ah! Chill small.

5. When he calls what you guys are doing “just talking.”

Talking ke? For a year? As per motivational speaker?

6. You, whenever someone asks you if you are single.

You are not even sure.

7. Him, introducing you: “Uhm! She is my…close friend.”

Ehn? Pahdin?

8. When you’re not sure if you are even allowed to be jealous.

Well, this is confusing.

9. When you tell him “do what you like” and he actually does what he likes.

WOW!

10. The pictures = How he treats you vs. The caption = What he tells people.

The worst.

11. Whenever he hears you mention anything about “the future.”

BYE!

12. You: “I’m on my period, but you can still come ove…”

Na wa!

13. You, waiting for it to become serious.

Good luck with that.

14. When his jazz finally clears from your eyes.

See my life.

15. Him, when you finally say you want to break up.

Ouch!

Daniel Orubo

May 16, 2016

Oldies

love, Man, Nigerian, Relationship, Sex, Situationship
16 Struggles Nigerians In Long Distance Relationships Can Relate To

1. You and bae start a long distance relationship but you’re happy because you’ll have your own space and time.

You didn’t know it was going to really suck.
2. When you need a hug after a really long day but bae lives 1000km away.

It’s not cheating if I hug my gate man abi?
3. When they annoy you but can’t see how angry you are.

You’re lucky I can’t slap you through the phone.
4. When you’re trolling bae via text and they take it personal.

Na wa o, small play?
5. When you miss them and have to wait 6 months before getting to see them again.

I’m not crying.
6. You, when other people talk about hanging out with their bae.

Let’s hear word abeg.
7. When you go out with your friends and they bring their significant other.

Why evils?
8. When you want to drive all the way to surprise bae and you see the price of fuel.

My chest!
9. When you spend 3000 Naira recharge card on the phone with them in one night and it’s not enough.

Na wa o.
10. When you had to wait till 12am to talk to them during the time of free night calls.

Sleep is for the baeless.
11. You, when bae is turning up without you.

It’s not your fault.
12. When bae starts getting close to the boy/girl they told you not to worry about.

I’m coming to carry my thing abeg.
13. How you try hard to fight sleep when skyping with them because you’re not going to see their real face in a while.

I’m awake, my eyes are just closing on their own.
14. When you check your data balance after skyping with them.

Hay God!
15. When you find out you’re going to see them soon.

My heart!
16. You, the next time you see bae.

Yas!

Maryam

April 26, 2016

Oldies

long distance, long distance relationship, love, Nigerians, Relationship, Relationship Status