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Last year, we did a series of #MyLoop interviews, asking a few stars the songs they listen to when they’re feeling any major emotion. With today being Valentine’s Day, it’s only right that we focus on love
From Joeboy listening to his smash hit, ‘Baby”, to Ladipoe jamming Burna Boy’s sneakily romantic “Pull Up”, here are the songs 9 of our faves listen to when they’re in love.
1) “Bighead” = “I like you but I would rather play games so you don’t feel yourself too much. Mschew, why can’t you pick up all the hints I am sending you in my head?”
2) “Your girlfriend will beat me” = “Are you single? slightly single? or slightly married? let’s be guided before feelings are caught.”
3) “Nothing” = “So, you can’t read my mind abi?”
4) “Anything is fine” = “I am still pretending because we just met. Once I finesse my way into your heart you will see. This is not my real face.”
5) “I don’t know” = “Don’t stress me. Don’t stain my white.”
6) “Have fun” = Oh, so your boys are more important than spending time with me abi? alright, maybe your boys will cuddle you at night. Okay oh, have fun. Dread it, run from it, my wickedness still arrives.”
7) “Have you eaten?” = “I care about you, duffus.”
8) “I will show you pepper” = “I will show you pepper.”
9) “You always do this” = “Why can’t you be like Tunde my new toaster? he’s so perfect.”
10) “I am not hungry” = “I can’t finish a whole meal but I will proceed to eat all of your own food because if I don’t eat your food, who will?”
11) “Hmm, you remember that my friend” = “You had better listen to this gist and support me all through it. God help you if you say I am the one at fault.”
12) “You can’t even buy something for someone” = “Stop being poor and stingy.”
13) “I want to discuss something with you” = “Every time you want to give me a solution. yen yen yen. Listen to me, console me, I don’t want a solution.”
14) “Don’t break my heart” = “Don’t break my heart, asshole. I really do love you.”
Valentine’s Day is almost here, and there are only so many things that you could possibly do — from keeping yourself company to tensioning all your single friends with your love. So, we created a quiz that tells you exactly what that stressful day has in store for you.
Take it to find out:
#ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.
It’s that time of the year again. Where single people are stressed tf out and partnered people do the most. It’s Valentine! yay.
The best capitalist holiday that was ever invented to make sure we compete against each other and are all perpetually anxious. The most successful propaganda ever pushed apart from Christmas. Shall I continue with my conspiracy theories?
As usual, everyone is competing for who can give the best gift for Valentine. However, no one wants to be the person that gives the terrible gift that ruins a possible fruitful relationship.
So, what are some of the possible gifts that can get you hate instead of love?
Let’s begin:
You don’t want to be the person that shares an exotic disease to your partner after a beautiful night out. Part of the gift set on that day should be a visit to the hospital to get tested. You need to be absolutely safe out there.
Unless you are actively looking for a baby, don’t do it. I understand that the temptation and excitement of the day can push you but don’t do it. Use protection especially if you are young and broke. Kids are expensive.
This is a very tricky gift to give someone as they may get the wrong impression that you are calling them overweight. Only in cases where they actually ask for it should you do this. Do not allow it to end in tears.
Good luck trying to explain to your girlfriend that you aren’t implying that she’s hairy with this gift.
For goodness sake, buy an actual gift that represents your special relationship with the person. In this case, the thoughts don’t count. Only actions. If it isn’t expensive, it can at least be a very thoughtful gift.
“We found love in a hopeless place” – Rihanna.
No matter how old you are, we all agree that only love can make us whole again. It doesn’t even have to be romantic, even familial love counts. So, where are some of the most absurd yet hilarious places to find love in this country?
Adding someone to your network has a different meaning depending on how you look at it. Think about it. The best part is that you people are doing professional love.
It’s a hot sunny day in the market, flies are buzzing, you both reach for meat on the tray. Your hands touch and you feel a connection, the meat seller fades into the background, the market noise dims out. Your reverie is interrupted by the meat seller saying “N3,500 jale jale.” Love at first touch.
You are dicing up cadavers, you both reach out to cut the same part of the body. Everything slows down, you perceive the smell of formalin mixed with her fragrance. Her hair sways in the heat of the darkroom, you have never seen anyone look more glorious. Love at first anatomy session.
It’s funny how a simple “I am behind you” can lead to a lifetime of being behind her. She smiles and says sure. Your heart skips a beat and you mutter under your breath “mafo.” Unbeknownst, you have fallen in love. You really found love in a hopeless place.
“I am looking for heaven for the devil in me” – Florence Welch.
You are her heaven and she’s your reformed devil. The Ying to your Yang, the Lagos state to your stress levels.
Apart from listening to music, other fun things Lagosians can do while walking includes asking for genotype, blood group, family’s history. If all checks, you can get married by the end of the week.
Freak on the Nairaland streets, sweetheart in the Whatsapp sheets. Just open a “looking for love” forum on the website and you never know where it may end.
Don’t let your partner stop you from finding the love of your life.
A couple that studies together, jaapa together. More points for you. If you know, you know.
After plotting on who to destroy and whose soul to steal, you catch up with your fellow coven member for drinks. Drinks here means blood just so we are clear. It’s funny what people are outside of “work.” People really are multi-faceted, you are intrigued so you find yourself continuously thinking of them. No binding and casting fashioned against your romance can prosper.
The enthusiasm with which they support Tacha is what catches your eye. Passionate is how you’d describe them to your friends. Their vulgar nature and boldness makes you hot in certain previously cold parts of your body. Love really has made you whole again.
You don’t believe us? watch the trailer below:
Once you’ve seen one Nigerian music video about falling in love, you’ve seen them all. The stories are almost always the same, so we decided to see what we can learn about romance from some of them.
As a rule of thumb, the babe always has to be immensely uninterested the first time the guy comes up to her. In fact, she has to fix her face like his mouth is smelling.
After the babe shows her disinterest, the guy cannot just walk away like a sensible person. This is where he has to creepily stalk her until she finally realises that she actually likes him.
The music videos for songs about an artist’s “one and only” are always filled with multiple love interests, and if that doesn’t teach you the importance of side pieces, what will?
If Nigerian music videos are to be believed, there are only two ideal places for a date: a beach and an arcade. We dare anyone not to fall for you when you take them there.
For whatever reason, a parked car (a very expensive one, of course) is the most ideal place for lovers to chill and lovingly stare into each other’s eyes in slow motion.
According to all the Nigerian music videos we’ve seen, it seems nothing bonds a new couple faster than awkwardly dancing together in the middle of a large empty space.
A dark-skinned woman as the love interest? Nigerian music videos can’t relate. That means when you go to find love, your only option is the lightest woman out there.
Is it even love if you aren’t fighting and making up every other day? According to Nigerian music videos, it’s not. Real love is screaming, breaking shit and apologising with a hug.
People look out for a bunch of different things when selecting a partner — from attractiveness to financial stability. So, we created a quiz that knows exactly what you look for (and why).
Take this quiz to find out:
Let’s help you find love. Take these quizzes.
Do you throw away every ounce of common sense when you’re in love, or do you still hold on to logic and critical thinking? Well, this quiz knows how daft you get when you fall for someone.
Take it to find out:
Depending on how open your heart is, it could take you a few minutes to fall for someone or a whole year. So, we created a quiz that lets you know just how quickly you typically fall for people.
Take to find out:
Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.
Back to being a regular platoon person. Back to going to the parade ground which, to be honest, I am now starting to enjoy. I am supposed to be at OBS by 4 AM for broadcast, but a local man cannot can. I wake up by 4:19 AM and I realise that with this OBS thing, some battles have to be left for the Lord to fight, so I return to my bed until people begin to move about, waking me from my sleep.
Today’s meditation is handled by Platoon three. They speak on loyalty. Nigeria wakes up. Our platoon leader takes roll call. As soon as he calls my name, I sneak out of the parade ground.
It’s my 9th day on this camp. It is the first time I will be on air as a newscaster.
News casting goes well. I was slated for headline review. K. and I reviewed headlines from Punch, The Guardian, The Sun, The Nation. When it’s over, the head of the news department hugs us. She is excited. I go on to grab breakfast.
Breakfast is yam and stew. The yam is like a pestle, something you can hurl at someone if you intend to kill them with one blow. Just throw it and boom, they’re dead and gone. Mine is soft, sha. But K.’s is hard, and even though we fry eggs to go along with it, she ends up throwing hers in the bin, half eaten.
SAED lectures begin, my sleeping pill that never fails. But this lecture is interesting, and it is because we talk about money. Corps members’ allowance, incentives, etc. Now this is an interesting thing that people posted to Borno state should note:
There is the option for automatic redeployment when you are posted to Borno state. But if you choose not to redeploy, you get N10,000 as state allowance; you get posted to the capital, Maiduguri; and you get free accommodation. There’s more, I heard, but it looks like they are unveiling it slowly. Me, I think it’s a ploy to get us to stay back. The incentives are attractive, but I am thinking of the distance, the fact that I’ll probably see my family just once throughout the service year. And maybe all the opportunities I’ll be missing?
Anyway, there is the opportunity of thinking things through. And if I don’t like/want where I relocate to, all I have to do is not make any move within 21 days, and I’ll be relocated to Borno state. There’s still so much I need to learn about this, and I am certainly waiting. Who knows if I will meet the love of my life in Maiduguri, Borno? Who knows?
We are deep into our SAED skill. I belong to food processing (catering, abeg leave big grammar and packaging) and we are learning how to bake cupcakes. And they’re a beauty, aren’t they? Love of my life, if you’re reading this, look at the skill I’m adding to my husband material CV.
An emergency bugle takes us out of our hostels. We are peeved, to say the least, because this bell is not for lunch, and didn’t they tell us that our practicals end by 2 PM? We leave for the pavilion anyway, and find out that a new guest has just arrived and wants to have a word with us.
I am too tired, and half her words fly over my head. I know she is advising us, telling us to believe we can do it, to remember that nowhere in Nigeria is safe, anyway. I realise that it is a ploy to keep us in Borno. It might not be, but right now, everything about Borno seems to me like a narrative to keep us from leaving, and this is what makes everything suspicious.
I mean, I would like to stay if I want to, but choking me with the “positive images” and and other reasons why I should stay looks like there’s something you’re trying to hide. You don’t see Lagos Camp telling corpers why they should stay in Lagos. Yes, I know, Lagos isn’t portrayed the same way Borno is, whenever it comes to security. I doze off, and when they say lunch is ready, I run to queue for the rice and stew.
Every other thing is the same: siesta which makes me a little disoriented when I wake up; the bugle blowing for the parade at four; the parade, at first stressful and then enjoyable; Nigeria going to bed by 6PM; dinner of egusi and eba; OBS meeting.
In between this, I attend fellowship where they play a video of Borno state and let us that Borno is a lovely place to serve. The video is too video-y: people in a mall, playing ludo in a room, eating from a large pot and looking happy, the governor giving out money. I have questions: What about those who don’t want to live in family house? Certainly, they won’t serve in a church for a whole year; where they get posted to as their primary place of assignments, how much do they earn?
The social night is fun, until Platoon three presents a dance that is so confusing, so mismatched, so prolonged and annoying that people stand up and leave while they are still on stage. Guess what? They keep dancing! The light is switched off, but they keep dancing. As per show must go on, but this show already ended before it even started.
Tonight, Platoon 3 will be roasted for dinner. And I’m here for it.