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The Nigerian dating scene can be a collection of wild experiences for women but not if you’re armed with the right questions to ask your boyfriend in every given situation. They might wiggle their way out with lies but that’s out of our hands.
Romantic questions to ask your boyfriend
Consider these questions a window into your lover’s mind to see what’s behind all that fine face and banging body.
1. Do you love me?
2. How did you know you were in love with me?
3. What are you like as a lover?
4. What is your love language?
5. Why do you want to be in a relationship with me?
6. Would you die for me?
7. Do I show up in your dreams?
8. What’s your favourite memory of us?
9. If I were to plan a date for us, where would you want to go?
10. What’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for you?
11. How did it feel when we had our first kiss?
12. How do you feel whenever you see me?
13. Did you have a crush on me before we started dating?
14. How do you feel about PDA?
15. Are you a Valentine’s Day fan or hater?
Interesting/ funny questions to ask your boyfriend
These interesting and funny questions for your boyfriend can also help you get his views on serious issues from a laid-back POV.
1. Do you believe in aliens?
2. If your mother and wife are in your car, who sits in the front seat?
11. Do you fight in the comment section of Instagram blogs?
12. What will you do if I fart?
13. Semo or Amala?
14. Are you a stan?
15. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
16. Introvert or extrovert?
17. Who is your next of kin?
18. Fresh food or refrigerated food?
19. Where do you press the toothpaste from?
20. Do you have a favourite side of the bed?
Deep questions to ask your lover
These questions are the necessary evil that can either make or break your relationship. Either way, there is no middle ground. In the wise words of ex-Governor Nyesom Wike, “If e didn’t dey, e didn’t dey.”
1. Do you believe in life after death?
2. Who is someone in your life you can always count on?
3. What does love mean to you?
4. What’s your end goal for this relationship?
5. How do you deal with negative emotions?
6. When was the last time you cried?
7. How in touch are you with your feelings and emotions?
8. Do you think everyone should be a feminist?
9. What’s your take on mental health?
10. What are your long and short-term goals in life?
11. What do you want to be remembered for?
12. What type of parent do you want to be?
13. How will you handle your family if they don’t approve of me?
14. What’s your take on infidelity in a relationship?
15. Have you ever been heartbroken and how did you deal with it?
16. Do you have an emergency fund?
17. How do you deal with bad money decisions?
18. What do you think about surrogacy and adoption?
19. How many kids do you want?
20. Can you talk about your health history?
Flirty questions to ask your boyfriend
These questions are perfect for testing the waters. You don’t want to come off as doing too much, but you also don’t want him to think you’re allergic to romance.
1. What’s my favourite underwear?
2. What are the things I do that turn you on?
3. Do you remember the clothes I wore on our first date?
4. What do I do that gives you butterflies in your tummy?
5. If you could choose to take two things off my body right now, what would they be?
6. What colour do you associate with me?
7. Where’s your favourite place to be kissed?
8. Describe your best romantic scene in a film?
9. What body part turns you on the most?
10. Are you drawn to looks or intellect?
11. What’s something we haven’t done that you’ll like us to do together?
12. Do you like my perfume?
13. What was your first impression of me?
14. What’s your favourite inside joke that we have?
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kunle: In January 2022, we met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout. It was around 6:30 a.m., we sat together, and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic for most of the way because of all the closed roads and bridges. We were both sweaty but trying to maintain beauty for the office.
Temi: It was hard for us public transport users that year. I always got to the office exhausted. Well, not much has changed now.
But that day, we got to talking when he got a glance at my music playlist on my phone. He saw I liked a lot of sad music and commented on it. That’s how we started talking about music and our work.
Kunle: When we finally got to our destination, it was some minutes past eight, and we were both late for work, so we didn’t even bother to rush. We’d found out we worked not too far from each other, so we got into a keke together and that’s where we exchanged phone numbers.
When did you realise you liked each other?
Temi: We started meeting up in the evenings to catch the bus going to Barracks together, and we really got along on these bus trips. After some days, he told me he normally carpooled with a man who uses his private car as a taxi when he was coming to work in the morning and leaving at night. The only reason he’d been using the danfo that week was because the man had travelled.
He invited me to carpool with him, and I agreed. It was a great decision because the man’s car was so comfortable; it was air conditioned, and he lived closer to my house, so I could just walk home from where he dropped me off.
Kunle: There were usually four of us from different offices in this man’s car. And on rare occasions, five. Instead of having to jump danfos at up to four stops between work and home, we could just sit back and relax for a long stretch of time. It didn’t even cost that much more. We got to talk and get to know each other without the stress and noise of danfo buses. I think that’s how we started liking each other.
What interesting things did you find out about each other?
Kunle: That she catered for small events on the side. I immediately loved that she was that enterprising.
Temi: For me, I found out he was gay, first of all.
Kunle: I like to have that out of the way when I’m getting to know people, so they can decide if they want to move the friendship forward from early on.
I once had a friend who was so angry when she found out I was gay about a year into our friendship. She said I’d betrayed her trust and blocked me.
I think on the second day of going home in the private car, I told her.
Temi: It was refreshing to meet a gay person in person and have him be so open about it without it necessarily showing in his behaviour. I was a bit disappointed though, because I thought he was cute.
Kunle: She asked to see a picture of my boyfriend at the time, and I showed her.
Temi: He was cute too. It really wasn’t fair.
When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Kunle: The next month, that “cute” guy broke up with me. I’d never experienced as much heartbreak as I did after it happened, probably because we dated for two and a half years. I really thought we’d be committed for life, but apparently, we weren’t on the same page.
That’s what made it even more upsetting. Was he pretending about liking me as much as I thought he did? I suddenly didn’t know.
Temi: He was so withdrawn one day. And he was like that for some weeks, but I didn’t know why. He’d miss the car on some days, and I started feeling somehow about entering without him because I didn’t know anyone else in the car.
So I went back to danfos. When I tried to chat him up to check up on him, he’d just say he was fine. I was worried but I left him. But then, I started missing him.
Kunle: When I started getting over my ex, I felt bad for leaving her hanging like that. I’d noticed she was no longer going with the car. I felt bad that I’d pushed her to go for a much more uncomfortable transport option. I called her up one day and apologised for my sudden withdrawal.
When I finally told her about the break up one Saturday, she told me to meet up with her somewhere she was going to deliver packs of jollof rice she’d made to a birthday celebrant.
Temi: He came to where we’d agreed to meet up, which was not too far from his place, and I gave him a pack of my Jollof as a “feel better” gift.
Kunle: I was so touched. We sat down at the venue. I opened and started eating the food right there. I hadn’t eaten all day, it was around 5 p.m., and the food smelt so good.
It tasted good too. I looked at her midway into the meal with this big smile on my face. She had a big smile on hers too.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
Was that love though?
Kunle: Yes. A version of it.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her once I got home. But I couldn’t understand why because I’d never dated a woman, ever. I actually got into my first relationship at 25 as a virgin. I believed it was because I’d only been considering women up until that point, and I never met one I was attracted to.
Temi: Before I met him, my last relationship was in 2018. It was one of those lukewarm ones where, at the end, you don’t even know why you were together. So I was single and very ready for a relationship. By the time we were getting to know each other in that car, I was very attracted to him and so upset he was gay. But at the same time, I didn’t want to keep away.
Kunle: After the jollof rice meet-up, we went back to going to and from work in the car. So we saw each other every day of the week. When we started hanging out on weekends too, I knew that was it. We’d invite each other for family events or to see a movie together and started meeting each other’s friends. This went on till around June 2022, when I decided to try my luck and ask her out.
Temi: On our way to work, one early Monday morning, he asked me randomly. I was in shock. I was like, “I thought you were gay.” He looked a little confused when I said that, so I knew it was something he himself was still trying to figure out.
How did you handle rediscovering your sexuality and entering a new relationship at the same time?
Kunle: It was conflicting for a while, not going to lie. But in the end, I decided to just follow my instincts. For some reason, I really liked this one girl after a lifetime of liking boys. Maybe that doesn’t require an explanation.
Temi: I tried to keep an open mind too, and enjoy the process. I didn’t say yes to him right away because I wanted him to be really sure. I also wanted to process whether actually wanted to date him. It took me up to three weeks to agree. In the meantime, our budding friendship grew. I realised that beyond being attracted to him, we got along well. He was a serious person; he took the important things in life — money, work, family — seriously.
Kunle: We also like food — the one thing we both like.
Temi: That’s not true. We like swimming. But yeah, that’s all we have in common.
Are either of you ever worried he’ll get attracted to a man again?
Temi: I won’t say “worried”, but the thought enters my head sometimes. On one hand, I feel special that I’m the one woman who made him realise he’s actually bisexual not gay. But on the other hand, I have a lot of learning to do about what bisexuality entails in practice.
Kunle: I still get attracted to men actually. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever act on it. I’m fully committed to this relationship for the foreseeable future. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t mean I can’t be disciplined and stay loyal and respectful to her.
Fair enough. Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Kunle: Oh, it was so stupid.
Temi: We fought, or rather, had an argument over last year’s Sallah meat.
Kunle: This was even before we’d fully agreed to date.
Temi: He’s Muslim. So he’d sworn to bring me a full polythene bag of ram meat. I told him to bring it raw so I could cook it very tender and make a nice sauce with it.
What did he do? He brought the one that they’d fried hard as rock. And it wasn’t even plenty. After he had promised heaven and earth. I was already dreaming of how I was going to savour it and use it with four different meals. Oh God.
Kunle: I overhyped myself as a joke. I didn’t know she was actually taking me seriously and making plans. I just put some leftover meat together without thinking, and took it to her the next day. When she brought the meat out of the bag, she lambasted me. I’ll never forget. I felt so bad.
Temi: I didn’t speak to him for like two days. One day, he ordered ram suya to my house. That was so sweet.
What’s the best thing about being together so far?
Temi: Everything. What I love most is how I don’t feel any pressure at all. I can be myself, talk about things that interest me and be open and vulnerable, without feeling judged or disrespected.
Kunle: The best thing is how compatible we are in almost everything: mentally, sexually, even career-wise. We’re growing together. And we’re so comfortable together. I didn’t realise how uptight I was — constantly seeking validation and trying to be and look perfect — in almost all my past relationships until we got together. Thank you for that.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Temi: 8. I love you so much.
Kunle: Maybe 9.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Everyone wants to be with people who love and support them, even as they fawn over their favourite artist, show, or sport. So here’s how to be a supportive partner as your bae finds another source of happiness.
Act like you’ve been there before
Okay, your partner’s found something that makes them giddy, chances are you have something that makes you giddy too. Don’t go about making them feel like shit, allow them to breathe and enjoy their happiness.
You can’t compare, so don’t compare
If you try comparing yourself to their fave, sorry to you. What your eyes would see, your mouth won’t be able to say it.
You don’t have to understand it but don’t talk smack about it
It’s fine if you don’t understand why your partner’s getting giddy over a movie about their favourite childhood doll. Just don’t talk smack about it and make the person you claim to love feel like shit.
Smile and nod
Don’t lie, you don’t know shit about what they’re saying, so just smile and listen attentively. Throw in a “Are you serious?” every now and then.
Research
You can only show silent support for so long. After a while, you’ll have to find out the names of her seven Korean boyfriends and join in the conversation.
Share their happiness…literally
If you stumble on videos or pictures or even little inside jokes about their favourite thing/people, send them. They’ll be happy, and you’ll learn more about their faves.
Become a fan too
If you followed the last tip, then you already know a shit ton about their thing, so you might as well just fly the flag high and get giddy with them too.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Tonye: I actually can’t remember. We were friends of friends for the longest time. He was a childhood friend of my closest male friend from secondary school. As we became adults, we found ourselves in the same friendship circle.
I think the only reason why we weren’t close at first was because his family relocated to Jordan when he was in secondary school, so he’d only come back to Naija with the IJGB crowd in December. Between 2013 and 2018, you could just tell he loved the whole Detty December Lagos vibe and never missed it.
We got to know each other better with each of his visits because we’d find ourselves at the same holiday events at least once or twice each year.
Peter: But I remember exactly when we met for the first time. It was at a mutual friend’s beach hangout in December 2011. We said hi to each other once, and that was it. The second time was when I came for summer the next year. We met briefly when your best friend came to pick up something from you on the way to a party you refused to attend.
Tonye: Oh yes. That day. I keep forgetting.
And I didn’t refuse to attend. You guys just threw the invitation at me last-minute and expected me to drop everything.
Peter: You need to embrace spontaneity more. That’s one of your weaknesses.
Deep. So when did you realise you liked each other?
Tonye: I always found him attractive, but just as a thought. By 2014, when I’d gotten used to hanging out with him. I noticed that I thought about him for a long time after we had any interaction.
In December 2015, I was seriously looking forward to seeing him even though we weren’t really friends. He has this carefree, “sure of himself”, clever attitude that just drew me in. Before he came, I found myself asking his friend about his relationship history. That one told me he hardly ever dates or doesn’t date for long, so I told myself to calm down.
Peter: But when I came that year, we only saw once. And it’s not like she tried to reach out or even give me a clue that she liked me.
On the other hand, I was a stupid boy back then. My head wasn’t really in the space for committed relationships.
I see
Peter: It wasn’t until around March 2016, when we had this long-ass, out-of-the-blue FaceTime call that we really connected.
We’d had a conversation on the TL about something that went viral on Twitter, and that’s when I found out she’s one of those fierce feminists. So I popped into her iMessage and asked if she wanted to FaceTime about it. I don’t even know why I asked. I found feminists curious back then, so I made it a point to have these obnoxious conversations with all my female friends who were feminists.
Tonye: Oh God.
Peter: Well, when we FaceTimed, I loved that she looked so good in her natural state. Her hair was messy, her face looked fresh, and even her bedroom voice was everything.
And I realised she wasn’t really hardcore with her feminism. She was so cool and chill, and we went on to talk about our other interests. That’s when I considered the idea of dating her for the first time.
Tonye: But first, he just wanted to sleep with me.
Ah
Tonye: Yes. He was pretty vocal about it. But one ocean kept us apart, so nothing happened. We just kept up a long-distance friendship and got to know each other more. It was around this time in 2016 that he confided in me that he had a temper he was working on.
He mentioned this while he was talking about an altercation he’d had at work in the US, where he’d moved to in 2010. He got so angry that his whole body hurt just from the anger. I didn’t understand it; he explained that his anger takes over his whole body sometimes, and he feels so helpless about it. I’d never heard about something like that before, so I just told him to try to see a therapist.
Peter: I was more excited than ever to come to Naij that December, and that’s when it really sank in that I might like her.
Tonye: I was nervous because I still believed he only wanted sex. At first, I told myself I didn’t mind that, but when I saw him the week before Christmas at someone’s get-together, I changed my mind. I knew I couldn’t handle just sex with him, and I told him there and then.
Peter: We both laughed and then went on to enjoy the event with our other friends. We didn’t see each other again. When it was time for me to leave in January 2017, I called her on a whim to ask if she wanted to come with me and a bunch of my friends to the airport. As usual, she claimed last-minute and refused.
As soon as I landed in Dallas, I started missing her. Although I got back into the flow of work, my friends and relationships there, at the most unexpected moments, I’d just remember her smile or smell. It was crazy.
Please, tell me you started dating soon after
Tonye: Nope.
Not until December 2018 when we met up at his friend’s lounge. That’s when he asked me out. I told him it wasn’t possible because we lived different lives in different continents and only saw each other once a year. He said he’d move to Nigeria to make it work. I thought he was crazy.
Peter: I wasn’t, as you can see. I honestly didn’t see it as a big deal at the time. I’d spent the first 14 years of my life in Nigeria. I still had some family and friends here, so it wasn’t that crazy of an idea to me.
Tonye: I told him to do it first. In my mind, that was it. I thought he’d never talk about it again.
We met up twice more on some outings with friends, then I invited him to my apartment warming just before he travelled back in January 2019. I’d just moved into my very first place after living with my parents all my life.
That was where and when we had our first kiss — a short and warm kiss that happened after he followed me into my bedroom without me noticing. We just kissed, laughed and left the room again.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
How did things advance?
Peter: I started thinking hard about how to relocate to Nigeria without being broke and jobless.
The first thing I did was speak to my dad about it. He didn’t freak out like I thought he would. He just advised me not to do it all at once. Instead, I could get a job or start a business in Nigeria, or do both, then gradually move my things and only quit my job in the States when I have everything settled. I did that.
I offered to help a friend run operations at his start-up. I also used my life savings on an apartment and car I could lease for Uber if I didn’t end up making enough money to keep up a decent lifestyle. All of this took several months of me going back and forth between countries.
Tonye: I didn’t know any of this was going on at the time, mind you.
Peter: I didn’t want to tell her until I’d quit my job in Dallas and there was no going back. This was in September 2019, so when I called and said I was in Nigeria, she didn’t believe me because it wasn’t December yet. I offered to come to her not-so-new apartment to prove it.
When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Tonye: I mean, when I found out he’d actually relocated to Nigeria. I know it wasn’t entirely for me, but still.
But you barely knew each other
Peter: And we probably never would’ve if we still lived continents apart. I just wanted to give us a chance. There was really nothing holding me back in Dallas. In fact, that city represents most of the trauma I’ve experienced in life — bullying, discrimination, addiction and more. I think I would’ve moved back sooner or later.
Tonye: I think also having a lot of mutual friends at that point helped make us feel super close. We’d been in the same circle for almost a decade at that point, so we were familiar. My mum already knew about him because he’d somehow come up in our conversations about my life.
Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Tonye: Yes. Our first major fight was major indeed. It was when I realised what he meant by having a temper. It was scary.
Tonye: I won’t get into details, but like two months after we decided to start dating in September 2019, a friend of ours invited us to a thing. The friend sent the invite through me, and I didn’t know it was because he’d had a falling out with Peter sometime before.
The whole thing ended with us having a huge fight about it, where he went on a rampage and became another person for up to an hour. I locked myself up in his room and cried the whole evening.
Peter: I’m so sorry.
Tonye: We took a break for some weeks because the experience was so jarring.
How did you guys come back from that?
Tonye: He’s really good at begging for forgiveness, and I’ve come to realise he’s truly helpless to how he reacts to things that upset him. But before I agreed to continue dating, I made sure he committed to seeking therapy and anger management counselling.
Peter: I did it right away. It was bloody expensive but worth it. There’ve been way less episodes since then.
When you say less…
Tonye: I don’t think it’s something he can ever completely heal from because it’s triggered by some deep-set trauma we’d prefer not to get into. At many points in our relationship, I’ve questioned my decision to stay, but at the end of the day, our love and commitment to each other have grown stronger from these experiences.
For example, the lockdown of 2020 was a huge trial and defining period in our relationship.
Peter: She’d moved in by then. I fell off a few times during the lockdown, and each time, I was so terrified she’d leave, but she didn’t. I knew I had to ask her to marry me in December 2020 when the heat had blown over a bit. Plus, December was our season. For so many years, we only ever saw in December.
Tonye: We didn’t get married for almost another year though because he worked really hard to convince me I’d be making the right decision by sticking with him despite his emotional struggles. Navigating his tempers is still a work in progress for us.
What’s the best thing about being married to each other?
Tonye: We’re sensitive and considerate of each other. This might be controversial, but I’d say I have his temper to thank for that. We don’t give room for even the slightest of anger in our home because we know how destructive it can be, so we’re constantly checking on each other, trying to do right and apologising instead of taking offence.
Peter: And we’d rather leave the room to clear our heads, then come back and discuss touchy subjects. We don’t let it blow over just for the fun of it. My favourite thing about us is how attuned we are to each other’s pet peeves, and we have all these little things we do to calm each other down.
Tonye: Like I know you hate it when people tease or casually insult you or anyone you care about. So I try as much as possible not to.
Peter: But I also don’t like that you litter and casually stand and talk in open passageways.
Tonye: I don’t like when you just randomly shout in the house because of sports or gist, or dip your finger or cutlery in my food.
Peter: You also don’t like when I try to go on as normal after clearly offending you. It’s been my flawed attempt at keeping my temper in check for years, but I’m unlearning.
Tonye: I also don’t like when you skinny-shame me.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Peter: 10. I’m so lucky you’ve decided time and time again to stick around.
Tonye: 10. It’s a blessing to watch you slowly grow and heal, and see how committed you are to doing better.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
From the dates to the lines, sex, ups and downs and everything in between, the 40+ Anonymous monthly series covers the dating life of our 40+ anonymous writer.
When I was ten years old, I was terribly sick. I eventually landed in a hospital, hooked up to a drip for several days.
This illness occurred during a visit to a Nigerian “eatery” known for its soft serve ice cream — the kind that swirls into a cone straight from a machine. Although I eventually recovered, the experience left a lasting impact on me. From that day forward, I found it impossible to consume soft serve ice cream, or anything resembling it, without triggering a gag reflex. Hold this thought.
If you’ve read my previous story, you’re aware that I’m the template in many roadside plastic surgery clinics in Nigeria today. To be perceived as “sexy” comes with privileges, one of which was lack of exposure to flaccid penises during intimate moments.
I met a man named Anthony once. He was a strikingly handsome, well-built man, standing at an impressive 6’4″, with a jawline that could cut through stone. I felt like I’d struck gold. However, statistics show that the likelihood of winning the lottery in one’s lifetime is less than 1 in 14 million. If only I had known this at the time.
Anthony and I began dating, starting with lunches, progressing to dinners, and eventually, outings with friends and larger groups. We engaged in kisses and flirtatious banter, but he maintained a PG-rated approach and never seemed in a hurry to reach the final destination. This change of pace from my usual thirsty encounters was a breath of fresh air.
The innuendos intensified, and I recall sending him a photo of myself dressed up for a friend’s wedding. His response read, “That dress looks amazing on you, but it would look even better on the floor.” It felt as if we were building up to an extraordinary climax.
Finally, the day arrived unplanned. After spending time with friends at a bar, indulging in a few drinks and dancing, we ended up at his place.
Before this man had even managed to remove his shirt, my clothes were scattered on the floor.
Are you laughing at me?
Abi, you wan make I form?
Konji no dey look person face o.
Call it pride or vanity, but in my natural state, I am truly a sight to behold. Yet, this man surpassed me — a sight that deserves an emphatic 100 marks. However, as my eyes travelled over his physique, I noticed a distinct absence — the lack of an erect penis. Before I could think too deeply, he kissed me, his hands exploring every inch of my body. And I forgot about the absence.
As time passed, my own hands began to wander. When they finally reached the promised land, they were met with far less than had been promised.
“Are you okay?” I mustered the courage to ask.
“I think I may have had too much to drink. Maybe you can help encourage him,” he responded sheepishly, smiling.
Coaxing a reluctant male member was not something I was well-versed in, but I decided to give it my best shot. I began with my fingers and hands, at one point straddling him, desperately trying to arouse his flaccid manhood. Kasala burst when I finally resorted to using my mouth.
I threw up all over his penis.
After successfully avoiding each other for the few years that followed, fate decided to throw us back together professionally. During what turned out to be the world’s most awkward coffee meeting, we revisited the night that abruptly halted a blossoming relationship. Here we sat, two strangers attempting to address the elephant in the room so that we could work together without complications.
“I still suffer PTSD from that night,” he began. “I wish you’d been more patient with me.”
“I was patient; I tried everything I knew. It didn’t help that you looked me directly in the eyes and told me it had never happened to you before. That did wonders for my self-esteem, as you can imagine.”
The ensuing silence was thicker than the cakes my sister forced me to try when she was starting out as a baker.
“I’d started taking blood pressure medication a few weeks prior. It turns out that was the culprit,” he said, finally breaking the silence.
At that moment, I wanted to share the story of the soft-serve ice cream that made me sick as a child, and how his flaccid penis reminded me of the worst time in my life. However, deep down, I knew such a revelation wouldn’t be helpful.
“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, discreetly signalling the waiter to bring the bill.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you two meet?
Shola: We met for the first time in December 2022.
My company sent me out to attend a business conference on the island. I was the sole representative at the event, and it was so boring — just panel after panel of different government officials talking about everything that’s wrong with Nigeria and how they’re trying their best to improve it. I think everyone there knew it was all bullshit.
Favour: Ah. Don’t say that in public, please.
I was there with two of my colleagues, but it was still boring. It was supposed to last the whole day, from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., but there were break-out sessions every four hours. We met during the first of those sessions.
Shola: Immediately I saw her, I knew I had to talk to her because she was the best-dressed person there. She looked like a hot shot, and I was wondering why she went all out for a conference in this Lagos. Then I saw her colleagues and knew these ones were working for a big company. Not that my company isn’t big o, but we’re riding the whole start-up energy, so we’re a lot more laidback in our dressing.
Favour: I’d sneaked off to the brunch buffet table when he walked up to me. I was self-conscious because I was starving and had planned to get as much finger food as I could before other people caught on that the table was open. I’d just filled my little plastic saucer up when he greeted me, and I was like, “Shit. It had to be one soft-looking boy with a fine face that’d catch me hoarding food?”
Tell me you had a lovely conversation about it
Shola: We did. The first thing I said was, “Did you pack for me too?” which I instantly regretted. I wasn’t trying to shame her or anything. It was just the first sentence that came to me. She just rolled her eyes and walked away, but I followed her.
Favour: He followed me to my seat and sat with me. We ended up having the most basic but nicest conversation for the rest of the conference. We talked about everything we liked, followed each other on socials and even connected on LinkedIn.
Shola: And laughed at each other’s serious profile pictures.
Favour: But what we didn’t do is exchange numbers.
Shola: Yeah, that was funny. We’d decided to date before we even realised we didn’t have each other’s numbers.
Who needs numbers these days? But what informed the decision to date?
Shola: After that event, I stalked her on socials and really liked what I saw. She’s cool, fun and serious at the same time. I’ve always liked people who can balance all that; they’re rare. I also had a soft spot for her chubby cheeks and dimples pretty early on.
So one of the times we were texting on Twitter, about two days after we met, I told her I wanted to take her on our first date.
Favour: He was so direct, I had to laugh. But I found it cute.
We talked for a long time about the type of ambience we liked: morning, afternoon or night, food/fine dining or junk/grills, open-air or indoor, and so on. He was determined to make it perfect, and I followed his lead.
Shola: I like doing things right. My weakness is I can never be half-hearted about anything. Maybe until I chop breakfast sha, because I’ve never had anyone break up with me. And I came close to premium breakfast on our first date together.
Really? But you hadn’t even started dating yet?
Shola: Well, we fixed the date for the second Saturday after the conference, which was on a Friday. We went to this place in Ikeja GRA that makes the best burgers in Lagos. And that’s where she told me she’s in not one but two relationships. I almost fainted.
Favour: He makes it sound so harsh. What I told him was that I was seeing two people, but I didn’t have a primary partner. I was in an open relationship.
Shola: I couldn’t understand what she meant in practice, so I just assumed it was a sex thing. But it wasn’t. She explained that she was committed to two men, had an emotional connection with each of them, had sex with them, and most importantly, they knew about each other.
Favour: I was still interested in dating him, so I emphasised that. I just needed him to know there are two other people involved because the last thing I want to do is cheat on anyone.
And how easy was it to move from this full disclosure to an official relationship?
Shola: It wasn’t easy at all.
I almost didn’t want to be on the date anymore, but we’d already placed our orders, and I didn’t have the energy to get up and leave. My mind was in full processing mode, so we just sat there, quiet, as we waited for the burgers and beer.
I’m glad we waited.
Favour: I was so sure he was going to bolt and maybe even block me because that’s how the average Nigerian person reacts. I’d never considered dating anyone I knew was heteronormative so much that I’d reveal this side of my personal life to them. Everyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with was already openly polyamorous. I don’t know why I took a chance with him, but I’m glad I did.
Shola: Once the food came and we started eating, I started asking questions: Does everyone in the larger relationship live together and have to be committed to each other? Did her two partners have other partners of their own? I was sort of concerned about things like STIs. Also, what about jealousy?
Favour: All these questions were valid, so I answered as best as I could while reminding him not to let fear of the unknown push him to make up scenarios in his head.
I’ve always been polyamorous, since my first relationship in college, when I was 20. So I’ve never had to ask these questions. These are things I learnt to navigate over time, and there are no rules. What works for someone else’s open relationship might not work for ours. For example, the fear of STIs, don’t you still make sure you’re not vulnerable to that in your average monogamous relationship?
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Sounds like it was a really educative conversation. What was the end result?
Shola: I decided to give it a try. I was now excited because there was something about the way she spoke about it.
Favour: The first thing that helped was explaining how an open relationship was different from polyamory. I introduced him to my other boyfriends, but we didn’t have to all be in one big committed relationship.
They were both laidback and mature about it. I’m glad I have those men in my life because one of them is currently mentoring me to start a business I’ve been wanting to start for the last five years.
Favour: They all got along on that first meet, and that’s always a good sign.
Has jealousy reared its ugly head yet?
Shola: Yes, all the time. But not negatively. It almost makes the relationship more exciting. Almost because there’s “competition”, we’re both vocal about whether or not we’re making each other happy, and there’s not as much pressure on one person to meet the other’s needs.
I never imagined I’d be open to an open relationship, but I now understand why it works. I’ve never been in a relationship with as much open and honest communication as this one.
Favour: The personal boundaries are also clear. It’s hard to feel like someone is taking over your life or space in this type of relationship.
He has another girlfriend now, by the way. They started dating last month, and we’ve all met each other. It feels a lot more balanced now.
Was it easy to get her into the open relationship lifestyle?
Shola: Yes, but maybe because I didn’t set out to date her at first. It just happened, and she knew I was in an open relationship before we even got to the point of dating. So she had time to process it herself and decide whether she wanted to be involved in it.
Favour: She’s such a sweet girl. I love her so much, and I actually knew she was moving to Shola before the slow boy caught on. I had a conversation with him about it before he officially asked her.
Have you guys fought about anything yet?
Favour: We fight all the time over the smallest of things.
The most memorable was sometime in April when he laughed at me at the gym for messing up a routine. I was already in a bad mood from work, and he knew it. So him laughing at me, and in public, felt so insensitive. I just got up, took my gym bag and went to his house with his car (he drove us there).
When he got back home, he was upset that I left him stranded.
Shola: I wasn’t upset upset until you started screaming at me for daring to be upset. I was just exhausted because I had to walk home.
Favour: We had a shouting match that ended in silent treatment. But by the time we were going to bed, we had this whispered conversation about it and hashed the whole thing out.
Shola: Our fights are mostly misunderstandings that blow out of proportion. Nothing too serious.
I’m curious. How do you decide when to hang out, considering the other partners? Is there a timetable?
Shola: LOL. No timetable o.
Favour: We just move as the spirit leads. It’s an “open” relationship. Sometimes, you feel like spending time with this person, so you go there.
Shola: This is where the open communication comes in. We always check in on each other to make sure boundaries aren’t blurred and no one feels neglected. There’s no WhatsApp group or anything, but we all trust each other.
Do other people — your family, friends, co-workers — know you’re in an open relationship?
Favour: For me, everyone knows.
I’ve never told my parents directly, and they live in a different city, but I’m sure the news has reached them by now. All my siblings and some of my extended family know, so of course, one of them will tell. They haven’t asked or berated me about it, but they stopped pressuring me to marry some five years ago. In general, I’m open about it to those who have a right to know about my personal life.
Shola: I’m still new to it, so right now, only my brother knows. He’s older, just about Favour’s age, and he doesn’t believe in it at all. He thinks we’re all just fooling around. I’ve decided there’s no point opening up to my parents. I might change my mind in the future because I don’t see our relationship ending soon. But why open myself up to disappointment when I know they won’t be supportive?
Favour: Some people around me have been supportive, some haven’t. In my early 20s, I’d get slut-shamed all the time, mostly by older men who can’t grasp the idea of a woman being sexually liberated. I won’t lie that it never got to me, but I still get slut-shamed before people know I’m polyamorous, so what difference does it make?
Sweet. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1-10?
Favour: A full-chested 10. I love it here.
Shola: 10 too. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I’m living in sin, but 10 still.
Favour: DFKM.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Marriage pacts only exist in Hollywood movies. Or so I thought until I came across this tweet.
So I reached out to Clara, who explained that even though people think she and her best friend, Timi, are holding out for each other, the idea behind the pact is much different. But why make the pact, and what does it really mean to them?
This is Clara’s story, as told to Boluwatife
Image: Chris F via Pexels
I met Timi in 2015, when we were in SS 2 of the same secondary school. But we didn’t really consider each other as friends.
We started talking when our school set up extra lessons to pump our class with as much knowledge as possible for the coming Cambridge IGCSE exams. This happened over a two-month period between August and September.
He used to sit behind me during prep period, and at first, we only talked about the lessons. In fact, he’s the reason I know mathematics today. He sucked at English, which I was great at, but was better at maths. It was a help-me-I-help-you situation.
Our relationship didn’t progress past classmates till we went home for a two-week break after the Cambridge extra lessons. We got each other’s numbers from the school’s group chat, and would randomly chat. Timi had this friend I liked, so I was trying to confirm with him whether his friend liked me too.
We resumed SS 3 in October and bonded over him trying to help me get together with his friend — classic Hollywood rubbish — and still assisting each other to prepare for exams. I helped him with essays and biology, and he helped me with stuff like matrix and coding. We also read together in the library. The exams came in November, and it was stressful. Not everyone wrote the Cambridge exams, so it became a shared experience we could talk and complain to each other about.
I later quit trying to date his friend because I started liking someone else. And that’s when it became apparent that Timi and I were friends beyond me trying to date his friend. We’d even stopped talking about the guy at that time. We’d started talking about how different our lives would be in a year, when we’d leave for university in other countries. He was to leave for Canada, and I, the UK. We soon left school for Christmas break and kept in touch.
On Christmas Day 2015, we officially agreed to be friends. My mum’s boyfriend decided to take her, my sister and I to a Chinese restaurant that day. It was strange because we typically spent Christmas at home; I’m usually lukewarm to the season.
I texted Timi about it; something like, “You’re a new person in my life, so maybe that’s why I’m doing something new for Christmas.” He asked where we went because his family also went out. I mentioned the place, and it turned out he was also there. What are the odds that we were at the same place at the same time? We met at the reception and spoke for a while. Then he said it was the first time he’d see someone outside school and actually be happy to meet them. I said, “At this point, we’re actually friends”. It was the first time we mentioned being friends.
Our relationship became even better after that. We spent more time together, and on December 31, he went, “Now that we’re friends, I hope to have you in my life every last day of the year”.
The moment I started thinking of Timi as my best friend was when he did something for me that no one else had ever done. There was this book I was reading in the library, “Her Mother’s Hope” by Francine Rivers. It had about a thousand pages, and I couldn’t finish it in one go because I only had a three-hour library time. It was also popular among library goers; people used to rush it. This guy actually hid the book somewhere only I’d find it in the library. He did that until I finished reading it. It was so thoughtful that he considered my enjoyment.
For him, he started thinking of me as his best friend when I showed him my appendectomy scar in school. I just found that out when he mentioned it during an interview we had with my friend Jojo in February 2023 — for a friendship-inspired Valentine’s blog. It was the first time someone did a story about our friendship.
Leaving secondary school was an emotional period because we thought we’d never see each other again. He left for Canada soon after, but I delayed my UK plan and went to a university in Nigeria instead. We kept in touch with calls and texts, but our friendship affected some of our other relationships because we were young and didn’t understand how our closeness could make other people feel a type of way.
One of my exes didn’t understand why I’d drop everything once it was time to jump on a call with Timi. To me, it was “Timi time”. One of his exes also asked him to choose between me and her. He chose me, and that’s how wahala started; she left. I think we were just excited about being each other’s person. I learnt how to be a friend through Timi. I had no real understanding of friendship before him.
After 2016, when he left for Canada, we didn’t see each other again till 2018. It was a tough year for both of us. Timi was going through mental health issues; finding his feet in a new environment wasn’t easy. My boyfriend at the time had just passed away in a car accident. Our shared grief brought us together again. Timi flew to Nigeria because he didn’t want me to bury my dead alone. I still remember hugging him for the longest time, and looking at him, happy I could touch him again.
By 2021, I was in my last semester at university and decided I wanted to be a hoe. The thing is, I’m not good at relationships. Neither is Timi. But it’s not because we’re holding out for each other, as people assume. I have some very unorthodox “doctrines”. For example, I believe you should be able to confirm from a potential partner’s ex whether the person they’re a good partner or not. I know I’m a good partner, but I don’t know what it is. We just don’t tend to date people for a long time.
When I decided to be a hoe, I had a series of short flings with about seven people within a span of six months. I talked to Timi about how I was about to leave yet another fling, and he said he’d just left someone too and that he didn’t know if something was wrong with him because the girl was nice. I joked about us possibly losing our future spouses due to our unseriousness. He said he wasn’t worried because if, in the end, we didn’t marry, we’d just marry each other. It was just a joke at the time, but we kept reaffirming it and even told friends. What people don’t get is that, it’s not a thing of surrender. It’s our way of telling ourselves we’d never truly be alone because we’ll always have each other.
I know many people, even many of our friends, will never believe we’re just friends. We don’t mention the pact to potential partners because we’ve learned from how we handled our friendship in past relationships, and I try not to present him as a threat. It’s not like we’re hiding the pact — obviously, it’s viral now — but we downtone it in respect of the other people in our lives.
My mum thinks I’m wasting my time and should just marry someone who understands my on-and-off nature. She thinks my relationships don’t last because I’m unconsciously saving myself for him and that when we’re done being children, we’d marry. But we’re not just settling for each other. We’d only marry if it’s in the cards and the stars align.
My friendship with Timi is one of the strongest relationships I have right now. We have calls that last till midnight, where we’d talk about everything and anything.
Have I ever thought about what it’d be like if we were actually together? Yes, but I always give myself a reality check. I’m in the UK now — he’s still in Canada — and I’m not a long-distance relationship girl. I don’t see the need to ask if he’s thought about the possibility of a relationship because it’ll unnecessarily put us both in an uncomfortable position and might ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Why ruin this good thing all because of “Does he love me? Will it work?” questions? I don’t know if he’s ever entertained such thoughts, but I know I don’t need to prod him into any romantic situation. If it’ll happen, it’ll happen. We’re both 23 and single now, so we have seven years till we’re 30, to do magic and find someone.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you meet?
Zayyan: We’ve always known each other. We’re family friends and from the same town in Kebbi State. Although we’ve both lived in Lagos most of our lives, our parents were all neighbours in Gwandu. So in Lagos, we and some other families were all very close-knit.
Rabi: Yes. He attended the same secular schools in Lagos as my brothers and some of my cousins. And we visited each other’s houses a lot as kids. But when he went to Dubai for university in 2011, and I went to the UK the next year, we stopped communicating as much. We didn’t lose contact, but we just never called or texted each other. He only commented on my few IG posts once in a while.
So how did you reunite?
Rabi: By 2018, we were both back in Nigeria for one reason or the other. But my family had relocated to Abuja while his was still in Lagos.
With our return to the country and renewed interaction with mutual family friends, I started hearing general news about him and his family. Then early in 2019, his sister came to Abuja and stopped by my family house for a few days. On one of those days, Z called her, and we all spoke for several minutes. I was able to catch up with him and all he was doing with his life. It was during this long, drawn-out chat that he jokingly said I’ve always been his secret crush, and he’d come to visit us when he has business in Abuja.
Zayyan: I didn’t realise I said that until she told me later on. But I wasn’t able to go to Abuja until around September 2019. I dropped by her house, greeted her father and saw her briefly. I spent my weeks in Abuja more with her elder brother and some other of our childhood friends.
But I admired her from afar and got to know she wasn’t seeing anyone. However, I didn’t ask her about it before leaving later in the month.
Rabi: The crush thing surprised me because, when we were young, I never ever imagined he’d like me or we would date, talk less of marry.
What changed?
Rabi: In November, one of us was getting married and formed a WhatsApp group for all of us childhood friends. We’d all gotten very close again, especially with most of us returning to Nigeria after years overseas. The group was created so we could support and contribute to our mutual friend’s wedding.
This guy was our age mate, getting married so early, and to a Taraba girl. We were so amazed and happy for him. We all came through for him, and during this period, we’d all communicate and hang out a lot. There was also a lot of interaction with everyone’s parents to make sure everything was in order.
Somehow, me and Z got close. We always happened to be in charge of the same tasks, and my father was also more likely to decide on what he’d do regarding the wedding with his father than the other parents, even though we were states apart.
Zayyan: It’s because they think alike and have always gotten along great.
Rabi: Yes. So during that wedding period, Baba would ask me to ask you something about your father, or pass a message across if, for some reason, they couldn’t reach each other directly. That’s how we got to really talking.
Then the wedding day came, and of course, it was beautiful. About 20 of us booked an entire floor of a hotel in Birnin. It was an amazing time. And it was there we decided to see each other.
Zayyan: We had a connection during the week leading up to the wedding. It felt like we were dating already, the way we treated each other. We’d always pair up on bridal outings and check up on each other. At one point, we were talking every hour of every day.
So after the couple got married and took off, I didn’t want our own connection to end. I realised I’d go back to Lagos, and she’ woul’d return to her life in the capital. We’d have nothing to keep us in touch, so we’d drift apart. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted her in my life for good.
And it’s good I spoke up because she was going for her master’s in January and didn’t tell me.
Rabi: Baba didn’t want me talking about it to anyone. And it didn’t come up between us.
But when Z discovered this, he decided to apply for the May intake. I was surprised when he called to tell me he’d gotten an admission to my school. It’s not that easy to get in on that particular intake, especially when you don’t plan ahead.
You got to love a man who’d go to school just to be with you
Rabi: True. Maybe that’s why I love him.
Zayyan: A master’s degree was always part of the plan for me, so why not do it at the same time and place as the woman I wanted to make my wife?
God, abeg o. Am I a pencil?
Zayyan: It turned out to be terrible timing because COVID happened in February/March, and although I got the admission, I had to try again for the September and the next January intake before UK allowed me to travel to their precious land.
Rabi: Yes, our enemies were really pressed. By then, I was done with my one-year program, but he convinced me to stick around for his own. It was an expensive decision. We had to figure out housing, surviving on student jobs and allowance from home. But it all worked out in the end.
Zayyan: I proposed to her at my graduation in 2022, which started a family war.
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Ah. Why and how?
Zayyan: Well, her parents didn’t know she was staying back in Buckingham with me. That’s one.
Then when I proposed, I did it in front of my father and some of my siblings. They were all happy to see her, but they didn’t know we’d been together all that while. My father didn’t react well to having to find out when I was asking her to marry me.
But the real war started when photos of us got to her parents the next day.
Rabi: My mother rang up my phone and started ranting about how my father was furious with me and disappointed. I was quite shocked. I couldn’t even get a word in.
Zayyan: At that point, we both still thought they were angry because we’d been living together in England.
It wasn’t just that?
Zayyan: It wasn’t.
Rabi: So we got to find out that me and Z share a great great grandfather who was an Emir. And apparently, our fathers regard each other as brothers.
Zayyan: It was ridiculous to me. We aren’t even cousins. In the past, didn’t first cousins marry each other?
Ah. So how did y’all move past that?
Rabi: We had to return to Nigeria first, in February 2022. But our fathers insisted we couldn’t marry. They said it was taboo and Allah wouldn’t bless our marriage, so why would they? It was scary because Z and I had already gone through so much together. The thought of us just ending things seemed like a huge heartbreak I wasn’t sure I had the strength for.
Zayyan: It was scary. Most people would say they just won’t take it and either marry anyway or do everything they can to force their parents’ hands. But the truth is, it’s extremely hard to go against your parents’ wishes, especially with something as important as marriage. So I had to pray about it.
Then sometime in April, when I went to Kebbi for a cousin’s turbaning ceremony at the Emir’s palace, I spoke to some princes about it. They all agreed that our fathers were being unreasonable. They agreed to persuade the Emir to summon them.
Rabi: We don’t know what happened next, but by the end of May, when I was considering returning to the UK to be with my sister in London, my father asked to see me and said he’d told Z we could marry. I was so shocked I actually thought he was just pulling my legs.
Zayyan: I’d had a meeting with our fathers a night before, where they’d given me their blessing.
Thank God for the Emir?
Rabi: Subhanallah.
Zayyan: The whole thing suddenly made us eager to get married. When I proposed in January, I didn’t even think we’d be married within the year. I just wanted to show my commitment to her. But after our fathers finally gave their blessings, we wanted to be married the next day, if possible.
Rabi: But preparations delayed his eagerness by three more months.
So how was the wedding?
Zayyan: It was great. We brought together the same gang from the wedding that brought us together in 2019, give or take a few people. In fact, we used the same WhatsApp group. It survived at least two weddings since that first one.
Rabi: If you see our fathers smiling from ear to ear because the Emir attended briefly, you wouldn’t believe they spent five months opposing the whole thing.
Zayyan: We ended up doing two nikahs. One in Birnin and the other in her father’s sitting room in Maitama because he wanted his Imam’s special prayers. Then we did two receptions as well. Our parents paid for everything, so they could do as they liked. We just went with whatever.
And how has married life been since?
Rabi: It’s been nine months already. That’s amazing.
Zayyan: What can I say? It’s been good. Nothing much has changed. We just do a lot more things together and share a last name.
Rabi: Last week, we bought our very first ram together as a couple, and it made me so happy inside.
Zayyan: Yes, we won’t forget that experience in a while. Bibi made us go to Wuse Market so we could get the whole ram-buying experience. Something we could’ve ordered from the comfort of our home. But it wasn’t all bad — even though they cheated us.
Rabi: Kai. We paid extra for the real market experience.
Zayyan: This is our first real Eid as a couple because, apart from fasting together, we’ve never gone all out like this before. It’s the best.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Zayyan: I’d say 8. It’s been great so far. The foundation is strong.
Rabi: 10. It’s been perfect, and we’re expecting a bundle of joy soon too. Mashallah.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Your journey is long, so you need to take inspiration from the greats that have come before you.
Know why you’re doing it
Are you bored? Do you want money? Better sex? Or do you just not have sense? Whatever it is, at least know why so when your partner catches you, you won’t blame the devil.
Gauge how wicked you want to be
Know how far you’re willing to go with your infidelity. We’re big advocates of punching above your weight, so we’ll advise you to put in your best.
Stay focused
Don’t get distracted by guilt, because you don’t need it. Clearly, your conscience isn’t in the front seat here, it’s probably not even in the car. Why let it distract you?
Do normal, don’t be extra sweet after cheating
This is how people get caught. There’s a chance that you’ll feel the need to send random “I love you so much” texts to your partner to ease the guilt. Don’t. Carry your cross in peace.
When you’re caught, say it’s the devil’s work
Of course, the devil put you naked in bed with “a friend”.
And don’t mention Zikoko’s name
What’s our own in this, please? We respect your relationship only as much as you do. We’ll deny you if you mention our name.
I caused my first and only real heartbreak at 21, but even though it felt like tearing my heart out, I’d do it again if I had to.
I met Joseph* in 2014, our first year at the university. We were still settling into school life, and he was this active, outspoken guy who seemed to be everywhere at once. I, on the other hand, was what you’d describe as a wallflower. When the time came for us to choose a class governor, he was the obvious choice. That was how we got close. A lecturer had given us an assignment due at the end of the day, and I was nowhere near finished, so I met Joseph and begged him to delay submitting everyone’s work by an hour. He did, and that’s how we became friends.
He soon started telling me he liked me, and I liked how it seemed he only had eyes for me. We started dating about a month after the assignment incident and were together through all five years in school. It wasn’t all smooth, though.
Joseph was a loud and very ambitious person, a walking representation of an “I must get everything I want” mantra. He always wanted to be better than everyone, the poster boy of success. I’m the direct opposite of that.
As the daughter of a preacher, I grew up with a contentment mentality. My siblings and I were taught to enjoy the simple things — food, a roof over our heads and just enough money to meet our basic needs and maybe help those around us. Even though I started rebelling against religion around the time I entered university, I still have the same mindset. Economists tell us that man’s needs are unlimited; we’ll always want the next big thing. That sounds like a wasted life to me, where you can’t enjoy what you have because something else looks better, and you just need to have it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve just wanted to be. Not to want something so much, it affects my life.
This personality clash was the major cause of the fights Joseph and I had.
When he ventured into student union politics in our second year, he struggled to understand why I thought he needed to focus on his studies instead. He also didn’t understand why I was angry that he decided to spend all his savings on a Nokia Lumia when he still had a perfectly working phone because, in his words, “Everyone is using Nokia Lumia now”.
He also expected me to get that his sudden friendship and partying with shady guys on campus was because he needed to boost his street credibility ahead of running for student union president. Through all this, it didn’t occur to me to leave him. He was all I knew, and maybe this was due to his “must-have-everything” nature, but he constantly showered me with love and attention. There was no reason for me to want more.
The extent of how far he’d go for success only became fully apparent to me after we left school in 2019. He didn’t go for service immediately because he had to sort out some issues with the school’s senate, so I worked my NYSC posting to the same state we were in so he wouldn’t feel left out, and I’d be closer to him.
But even with that, he started getting frustrated about his mates being ahead of him, so he told me he’d decided to make money via internet fraud. I was shocked. This was someone whose parents were quite comfortable and who lacked nothing. His rationale was, Nigeria didn’t reward honest work, and that his parent’s money was theirs, not his. He gave two of his cousins as examples. They’d been working for about four years at the time, but still couldn’t afford a car. As is typical of him, he gave what he thought were convincing reasons why he had to “make a name” for himself. He said it was so he could also provide for me. He assured me he’d only do it for a few years until he made enough money to leave the country.
That’s when I mentally checked out of the relationship. If he could go this far to make money he didn’t really need, what happens if he someday became broke? I knew I had to leave, but I didn’t know how. Then about four months later, in late 2019, he landed a tech job. I was relieved, thinking it’d be the end of internet fraud. But remember what the economists say? He was used to having more and didn’t want to be limited to a salary, so he still did fraud on the side. That was what finally gave me the courage to end the relationship. I cried for weeks after, but I know it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
He’s a high-flying tech bro now — I see his exploits every now and then on LinkedIn — but I know he’ll always be looking for the next big thing, legal or not. I can’t live like that. If I’d stayed, we’d probably be a “power couple”, but I wouldn’t be at peace. I may never gather enough money from my 9-5 to go on a luxury vacation or japa, but I’m fulfilled with what I have; a career, friends and good health. I’m at peace.
*Names have been changed to protect their identity.
