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If, despite your best efforts, you can’t snag someone from an old-money family, you still have a chance with new-money folks. Is it not someone to spend money on you you’re looking for?
You might need to know a few pros and cons before getting with one of them, though.
Pro: They have money, duh
Do I even need to explain this bit? Like a famous philosopher once said, “Love is sweet o. When money enter, love is sweeter.”
Con: They’ve known poverty
They’ve had to hustle to get to where they are now, so don’t be surprised if they shout at you for pressing toothpaste from the middle or not cleaning your plate. There might also be small stinginess, but it’s just because they don’t want to go back to the days of “no money”.
Pro: They spend lavishly
They have the tendency to be both stingy and to spend like they’re making up for the years of poverty.
Con: But they may go broke again
The excitement of having money, finally doing dorime in the clubs and flying everywhere like old-money folks, may result in a speedy return to sapa-land.
Pro: They’re very intentional
No unnecessary “Have you eaten?” questions here. They have the money and will spoil you with romantic gestures.
Con: They think money solves everything
Money has solved all their problems, so what do you mean a credit alert won’t make up for them accidentally sleeping with your best friend?
New money likes attention and will probably be in the news for one reason or the other. There’s nothing like admiring the LOYL on TV, knowing full well many other people have the hots for them, but they belong to you alone.
Con: Cheating might come with the package
Everybody likes good things. Sorry to you if your boo doesn’t have self-control. Just ask the partners of Nigerian artistes.
Pro: They know how to work hard
They know how hard money is to come by, and they’ll work hard to make sure they can keep you in mansions and diamonds.
Con: They’ll have no time for you
If you want someone who’ll call you seven times a day, maybe you should look front. These ones are too busy securing their future.
Pro: You may get rich just by association
They’ll encourage you to double your hustle and even give you business advice. They just want everyone around them to make it too.
Con: You will WORK
If your goal in this relationship is to be a sugar baby, just abort the mission. By the time you read Rich Dad, Poor Dad five times, no one will tell you.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you meet each other?
Tolani: We met during NYSC in 2012. We joined the NEMA CDS group at the same time and made friends with each other and a couple of other members. Then we all started attending the meetings in a group and checking up on each other at our PPAs.
We didn’t start dating immediately. Her eyes were on some other guy in the CDS group who wasn’t part of our group of friends. They got close at a point and then I stopped seeing them together.
Praise-el: I realised the guy wasn’t serious at all. All he did was smoke weed. I got closer to Tolani after I cut the guy off, and we ended up becoming closer than the rest of our group because our corper lodges were in the same area.
Tolani: Then we went into an everlasting talking stage where I tried to take things to the next level countlessly, and she remained non-committal.
Praise-el: After I got strung along by the first guy, I got it into my head that people only look for flings during NYSC. Most people were trying to have as much sex as possible so that they could return to their home states and actual lives without strings attached.
I thought Tolani was the same, and I’m not the kind of person who can date for fun. Maybe if we were both serving in a state we both lived in, I would’ve been more open. I actually liked him from the start, but he lived in Lagos while I lived in Kaduna. I didn’t see a future for us outside NYSC.
That makes sense, but how did your relationship advance?
Tolani: I was persistent, so we stayed in contact after passing out in October 2012. Three months later, she moved to Lagos for a job. By then, I was her closest friend in town, so we started hanging out a lot, and she found a community in my circle of friends.
At first, I wanted us to stay friends because I was still sore from her constant rebuffs during NYSC. But once we hung out, I realised I still liked her a lot and hadn’t had my eyes on anyone else in a while.
Praise-el: I have that effect on people.
I started liking him way more too, and really wanted him to ask me out again. He was a smart, serious-minded person and that sort of thing always attracts me. He was also really charming, so actually I wasn’t sure if he liked me at that point or if it was just his usual charm that made him nice to me. However, I couldn’t ask him because I couldn’t let go of the idea that a man must always ask a woman out.
Tolani: Sometime in March, I got a really good job with an FMCG that works closely with her company. We were both in entry roles, but we were able to help each other with information to meet targets that got us confirmed to junior positions in a few months. That really helped us get closer.
Praise-el: We got our confirmation letters within a month of each other. It was crazy. Our friends took us out to celebrate, and it was on my way home, as he walked me out to get a cab, that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I just said okay.
It was later we realised that it was almost two years after we met for the first time in January 2012.
And what was dating like after this?
Praise-el: Honestly, nothing much changed. We didn’t even start having sex until we’d decided we’d get married.
Tolani: We were already very close friends who had the same friends and work-related relationships. So it was just more of hanging out and way more calls to check in on each other. Also, we spent more time in each other’s houses. I still lived with my parents at the time, but she had her own apartment she shared with a colleague, so we were there a lot.
Praise-el: It became his second house, but we mostly moved out of it to attend events and other activities.
I heard something about deciding to marry
Tolani: We started talking marriage very early on. It started with plans to launch a start-up. We both studied finance and discovered our shared interest in being entrepreneurs during our early conversations.
When I went to her place for the first time, I saw copies of books like Rich Dad Poor Dad, Outliers and different company biographies lying around. A black-and-white cover of Losing My Virginity comes to mind. We started talking about wealth and building successful businesses, and it just became a passion we shared.
Praise-el: You’re probably wondering how that led to marriage talks. We talked about being business partners, but we were dating, so I think he was like it’d be great if we were life partners first. It sounded romantic at the time.
Tolani: We decided to get married during the first month or so, but I don’t think at that time we thought we’d be married after five months.
Praise-el: Our careers were going well, and we had a lot of job security. In less than two years of working, I already had a sizable savings. I wasn’t privy to his finances at the time, but I knew we were both self-sufficient.
Our relationship was going strong because we’d synergise for work. We’d help each other with contacts, connects and even gossip that was useful for company politics. We also had our parents’ network helping us both career-wise, signing references required to get some contracts and so on.
Tolani: Then we had sex for the first time, and Praise-el woke up the next morning, saying we should tell our parents we want to get married and go to Ikoyi Registry ASAP. I was in tears like “What the fuck?”
She wasn’t joking.
Praise-el: I put my dad on the phone while we were still in bed and told him that Tolani wanted to tell him something.
OMG. That sounds like a lot of pressure
Tolani: It was. I just told him I wanted to come see him soon.
We went to Kaduna the following week. We took time off work and spent a long weekend with them. At first, I was sure I wouldn’t tell them anything about marriage — not because I didn’t want to marry her but because I felt we had all the time in the world to do it. But on the Sunday night before we had to leave for Lagos, I changed my mind.
Praise-el: I didn’t pressure him. I just think we had a lot of time to just relax together and have conversations. We talked about just getting the wedding out of the way so we could focus on building wealth and launching the business and raising our kids together, basically being in each other’s dream chasing origin stories.
Tolani: I believed in her and us.
That night, I took a drive into town alone, called my own parents to tell them, and my dad was just laughing at me. They sha gave their blessings, so I spoke with her parents the next morning before we left. It was nerve-wracking but it also made me feel proud of myself for crossing such a definitive milestone.
Praise-el: I’m an only child and when I was younger, I used to tell my parents I didn’t want to get married, so they were quite relieved and happy for me. They promised to make the trip to Lagos for the court wedding when we were ready.
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Was it just a court wedding ceremony?
Praise-el: No, we had a traditional wedding about three weeks later. Court weddings are just sharp and low-maintenance, so we just wanted to get that out of the way. But there was no way in hell his parents were going to let their second son go without Yoruba fanfare.
My parents on the other hand had separated themselves from our hometown a long time ago. We never even visit our village or relate too closely with our relatives because according to my parents, they can be diabolical. So we didn’t go there. I only invited some of my aunts and uncles.
Tolani: We also did a church thanksgiving after the court wedding, but no white wedding. At that point, we felt very “married” and didn’t feel like we needed further ceremony to establish that.
Praise-el: Especially since we were also in the middle of a two-month long house hunt. I didn’t know it would get a thousand times worse in the future, but getting a decent place to stay in Lagos is the ghetto. Apparently, we were asking for too much in terms of the area we wanted to live in so we had to change locations and living specifications.
Tolani: We had to live in a hotel for about two weeks because we didn’t want to stay in my parents’ house or her one room after we’d done the traditional wedding. We’d been living separately since the court wedding and we didn’t want to continue that either.
Anyway, that was the worst decision we could ever make.
How so?
Tolani: It was expensive. Our savings took a big dent. But also, reverting from that to packing into our new home, unpacking and settling into normal living was jarring. There’s no room service at home.
Praise-el: Also, living in a hotel for that long wasn’t ideal. It gave the first few weeks of our marriage a weird transient vibe. I think the fact that everything happened so quickly didn’t help. When we finally unpacked everything and started settling into our new life together, there was a lot of friction.
Tolani: We were both so stressed. Don’t forget that we were both still going to work throughout this period. We only got a two-week break. So there was work pressure too. I remember that we didn’t even have sex for the first two to three months of our marriage.
Praise-el: I remember crying a lot and needing a shoulder but also realising I couldn’t go to my parents because I didn’t want them to think I was questioning my decision. I also didn’t want to go to any of my friends because most of them were his too, and I also didn’t want them knowing I had any issues so early into it that they’d mistakenly use against us later on in life. It wasn’t like I didn’t love him anymore or had any form of regret. I was just overwhelmed. It’s hard to explain.
Tolani: It was just growing pains, I think.
Praise-el: We’d fight over the smallest things. I was always so heated up like I needed to drain some energy from my veins or something.
I’m so sorry. It sounds so hard. How did you make things work?
Tolani: Eventually, the stress eased, and we just fell into a healthy space of getting used to each other and talking things out.
Praise-el: Something that really helped was finally getting the album of photos from our traditional wedding. Seeing those physical evidences of our joining and how good we looked together, how happy everyone was to celebrate us was strangely validating. The memory of us sitting alone together in the living room of our very first apartment together, turning those big pages, is stuck in my heart. There was no light so we were even sweating.
Tolani: Yeah, the ventilation in that house was bad. I like that we sorted things out between us without needing to involved external parties. That set the tone for how we deal with things between us.
Praise-el: And remembering the vision that led us to marriage in the first place, working towards that goal of building wealth and starting our business. Once we started thinking about that and really making plans, it was easy for romance to come alive again. There was something to look forward to and be excited about.
So is it just about career for you?
Tolani: I won’t say “just”. It might be what keeps us going but every relationship has their version of that. For some, it’s chemistry, children, shared interests, ministry. Most people don’t even have a unifying goal, and that’s why I think many relationships and marriages fade away after a while. For us, it’s building a company that stands the test of time just like all the amazing companies we’ve worked for all our lives.
Praise-el: And the realisation that we’re both capable of making this happen alone or together makes us very happy to be together. Two good heads a better than one after all. Our focus on money making has also made a lot of other things easier for us: maintaining a certain standard of life we aspired towards, giving our three children the kind of education we wished we had, we even have hobbies now, and romance is much easier after you’ve focused on career and making money — or how did Davido put it.
Tolani: We’re not where we want to be financially yet, but we’ve come a long way. And sometimes, when I look back I’m so proud of us. One thing I want to add about getting married right away is now that we’re making a lot of money we don’t have to second guess whether we still like each other or it’s just money that’s making us pretend. There’s not much room for ego because we struggled together to get here and we’re both earning almost equally.
And have you started the dream company yet?
Tolani: Not yet. But it’s coming.
Praise-el: We’ve spent the last year courting early-stage investors, so it’s closer than ever. It’s a consumer goods manufacturing and distribution. We’re finalising manufacturing sources and distribution channels, due diligence, compliance and all that. It’s a huge risk we’re taking but it’s been a decade in the making so we trust we’ve done all our homework.
Tolani: There’s the lobbying involved as well. This is still Nigeria, a rough landscape for businesses. Thankfully, a person like Tinubu is in power now, so things will make sense soon enough.
I pray so. What was your first major fight about?
Tolani: We haven’t really had any. There was one time we fought about our house space. She’d started keeping her clothes in the guest bedroom because our wardrobe was too small for both of us, so one day, she just lashed out about how I couldn’t even notice that we’d outgrown our apartment. This was sometime in 2017.
Praise-el: It wasn’t really a fight though. Most of our arguments are about the children. Either frustrations with their nannies or disagreements over something to do with their school.
Tolani: We argue about work-related gist too sha.
Praise-el: That’s right. It’s also not a piece of cake trying to build a business with your spouse. You can’t just say no, you have to coat it with explanation and mangae communication so it doesn’t ever feel like you’re taking them for granted. Thankfully, our business mentors help out on that front.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Praise-el: 8
Tolani: 8
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: We Cheated, and We Moved Past It
How did you meet?
Kuro: We met by chance at a cyber café in 2009. I went there to put together my master’s application documents.
She was there to get her younger brother who was busy playing PlayStation 2 with his friends. We were both delayed for so long that we struck up a conversation. I don’t think anyone said “hi” first; we just started talking about something we noticed, and that was it.
Dupe: It turned out that we both lived off the same street. We later found out our parents even knew themselves from living in the same area for so long.
Kuro: Anyway, we exchanged numbers before parting ways. But I didn’t ask her out because I was sure I’d relocate soon for school. I even got a part-scholarship.
But?
Kuro: The uncle who promised to sponsor me suddenly started posting me until I missed my resumption window. I’d even spent money on a UK visa application by then. It was painful, but I deferred from the September intake to January. That one too came, and this uncle suddenly became scarce. He even started avoiding the whole family because of a promise no one forced him to make.
Dupe: Now that I know him well, I can’t believe he pretends like none of this ever happened.
Kuro: I’m not even shocked anymore.
Dupe and I got close during this trying period. She was one of the reasons I got over the disappointment and picked my life back up. We didn’t even see each other again until almost a year after we met, but we were always texting on 2go and BBM.
Dupe: Three months after we met, I agreed to date this other guy. I liked him so much that I let him get away with too much. We lasted about ten months before we broke up in 2010.
When did you start liking each other?
Kuro: I think once my eyes cleared from the whole UK relocation dream, it was easy to see that Dupe was the only person, apart from my guys and family, who was there for me and supportive. I wanted to hang out with her because it felt like we hadn’t really gotten to know each other yet.
Once I got a decent job and received a few months’ salary, I asked for us to meet up at a popular eatery then. This was in April 2010.
Dupe: We met up and gisted, and that was it. We were still friends. But then, we started doing midnight calls, talking about nothing. My boyfriend started feeling threatened by him. In July, we broke up because he said his pastor told him to, and I immediately told Kuro, “Let’s be in a relationship”.
Kuro: I was shocked, but if I didn’t like her before, the way she called to tell me that initiated the feelings. I even played “hard to get” because I was like, “Wait for me to ask you first na. Why are you jumping the script?”
Dupe: Me, I was like, “Stay there. You’ll know when I find another person to fill your spot.” LOL.
What was it like going from friendship to dating?
Dupe: It was different. I wanted him to be there for me ALL THE TIME, and a part of me could tell it was overwhelming for him, but I couldn’t help myself.
Kuro: The first few months when she called to tell me every single thing happening to her was a lot to handle, I must admit. But I also liked being her first go-to person. Before her, I’d only ever dated one person, and it wasn’t a serious relationship.
Dupe: In my previous relationship, I second-guessed myself a lot. My partner made me question my worth, so I found myself falling back on Kuro for the validation my ex always held back . Kuro gave me all the validation I sought, and I wanted to bask in it. Unfortunately, that too wasn’t healthy.
How were you able to get past this need?
Dupe: Well, things went worse before they became better.
Kuro: We went through life like that for a year. We talked several hours every day and hung out on our street every night. But one day, I was drained and just withdrew for a few days.
Dupe: He took a break from the relationship. The only problem is I wasn’t aware of this at the time.
Kuro: She doesn’t want to expose me, but I’ll expose myself. I slept with someone else, one of my friends. I immediately regretted it, so I told Dupe the next week when we started talking again.
Dupe: I was angry. But I still loved him, so I forgave him.
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So you guys already loved each other at this point?
Kuro: Yes. That’s the only way to explain how we tolerated each other’s madness that year.
It didn’t take long with the other girl before I became remorseful and wanted to make peace with Dupe. I was scared, but I figured it was better to tell the truth than keep such a thing a secret, or worse, have it come to light when I didn’t expect. It was good I did because the babe wanted to create drama around it later, not knowing I’d already told Dupe everything.
Dupe: I was happy he told me, but I made it clear to him that would be the last time I’d forgive him for cheating.
Guess who ended up cheating later on.
Not him again?
Dupe: No. Me.
So, after the whole thing came and went, I forgave him, and we talked about where our relationship was going. I spoke to my mum, and she counselled me that I shouldn’t be too needy, relying on him for everything all the time. We were able to fix the way we ran our relationship, and we were happy with the way things went for several months.
Eventually, we decided we wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. But first, we had to deal with his family, particularly his mum and some uncles.
Kuro: I’m Ijaw, and Mum didn’t like that she’s Yoruba.
Dupe: Even before we decided to get married, I noticed she was cold towards me, but I never guessed it was a tribe thing.
Kuro: When I told her my intentions, she was adamant that I only marry a south-south or south-east person. She’d never mentioned her stance before, so I was shocked. My dad also wanted to back her up, but I stubbornly insisted on marrying Dupe.
How did they take it?
Kuro: After months of back and forth, they relented. I’d never had that close-knit relationship with my parents, so nothing much changed between us.
I proposed in January 2012, the day after New Year’s, we moved in together, went to court in March and did our traditional and church wedding in July 2012 — my runaway uncle somehow found money to sponsor half of the expenses.
Everything was great until we had our second son in 2016. It was a tough pregnancy, but let me not speak about what I didn’t experience physically.
Dupe: It was hard. It took a toll on my body. I almost doubled in size during the course of the pregnancy and then had preeclampsia. By the final trimester, I felt like something was tied up in my brain that needed to be loosened. It was a nagging feeling like I’d run mad if someone didn’t loosen it.
They did a CS to get our son out, and I was in the hospital for some days. I got back home, and I was just depressed. I’d never felt such a strong emptiness; I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. When I think back on that time, sometimes, I get anxious.
How did this lead to cheating?
Kuro: Afterwards, it was like she couldn’t stand me or anything to do with me. She just became difficult to deal with.
Dupe: I was just angry with him.
I started leaning on a man I’d met through work just about a month after I found out I was pregnant. I felt like a different person and Kuro no longer found me attractive. I was secretly ashamed to be my new not-so-sexy self with him. But this guy was older and not-so-sexy himself. He gave me the validation I needed at that time.
How did you get past that in your relationship?
Kuro: She told me she’d slept with this man, and even though I was angry, I understood. I had no choice but to forgive her because of how vulnerable she was then and what she’d gone through to bring my child into the world. However, I couldn’t really forget for a while.
Dupe: Our marriage was strained for about a year after. But it wasn’t just about the cheating. Having children takes a lot out of the marriage bond, in my opinion. It becomes less about marriage and more about family. There’s simply not as much time to relate, for romance or even sex.
Kuro: Between the children and the cheating, the sex has changed a lot between us. Sometimes, it feels like there’s one elephant in the room.
But like my case from before we got married, I knew it was much better that way than if we kept secrets and tried to deceive each other. I’m glad she immediately came clean to me, and she’s been just as transparent with her activities as she was when we first started dating.
Dupe: One of the things we got used to doing early on was always telling each other what’s going on. If it meant the other person would go their separate way, so be it. We are always kind to each other no matter what because beyond being life partners and lovers, we are friends.
If you didn’t fight over infidelity, what then have you fought over?
Dupe: We didn’t fight much until we had those two boys.
Kuro: Our sons?
Dupe: Our parenting styles are very different.
I believe in discipline, and I work in investment banking, so I don’t have the luxury of time to pamper anyone. Meanwhile, Dr Kuro believes in interacting with them like he’s their friend. Sometimes, I just want to scream at them so they know not to do certain things, but he’ll say, “Don’t shout at my sons.”
Kuro: They are not goats. How do you want them to grow up cultured if you keep screaming at them?
Dupe: Sorry o. Oyibo.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Dupe: 6. Our love is safe and has withstood a lot, so I have high hopes for it.
Kuro: 6 too.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Love Life: We Don’t Want Marriage or Kids
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kola: The very first WhatsApp video call we had in July 2020 after a friend of a friend linked us up.
Peju: I told my friends I wanted to end my year-long celibacy run. I hadn’t been in a proper relationship in over a year, konji was being an epic bastard and the lockdown only made it worse for me.
As soon as it was over, I begged one of my most outgoing friends in our group, until she gave me three guys’ numbers. At first, I was uncomfortable about calling them, but I told myself I wouldn’t have wanted her to give my number to a bunch of random guys.
Kola: But they still got your number when you reached out to them sha.
Peju: I only called one of them and we texted for about a week when I reached out to you. We had the video call the next day because he was desperate to see my face.
Kola: I wanted to be sure the DP was real.
How did the call go?
Peju: It was the world’s longest video call. We were on it for about five hours, but remember that this was post-lockdown when we all seemed to have too much time on our hands. We didn’t exactly talk throughout. We just kept the call going while doing other things, with occasional comments and grunts.
Kola: It was a very comfortable call, and neither of us could end it until MTN eventually ended it for us. But it helped set the tone for us.
Peju: We had similarly languid video calls every other day until we met in person in September. We’d long since agreed to go get drinks as soon as we were both comfortable enough to be outside. And also when the sensible Abuja spots had opened up.
Kola: We met for drinks and the vibe matched up in person. That was the start of our highly convenient situationship.
Why a situationship?
Kola: I’d just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking to get into another one so soon.
Peju: I was still getting used to the idea that the pandemic wasn’t going to lead to the apocalypse. So you can say I was in the “We’re all going to die tomorrow” mood. I just wanted good sex to guide me into the afterlife well. My priority was, “Will this man bring me the end-of-the-world-level smash I needed?” When we met, I was pretty confident he would just because of how much I wanted to hug him and never leave his arms.
Kola: I was a lot less morbid about the whole thing, but it was exciting to meet an attractive woman who was pretty much ready to have sex right away. No hang-ups.
So did you guys do the deed right away?
Peju: Yes. He invited me over to his house the next day, and I ended up staying there for two days.
Kola: We did other things.
We played FIFA, she went off for a while with a friend of hers, and I worked from home for a bit. We didn’t just have sex for the whole two days o.
Peju: Of course. No one was thinking that, love.
The sex was alright, so we just continued having it from then on.
You’ve now been together for three years, so can I assume you started liking each other at some point?
Kola: I think we always liked each other. You can like each other and still be in a situationship.
We just weren’t ready to commit and didn’t try to force ourselves to. It was convenient the way it was, and we were both happy without trying to add responsibilities to it. I was still a bit heartbroken from my ex and also navigating risky waters at work at a time when layoffs and salary cuts were rampant.
Peju: I was going through personal struggles — family drama, unemployment, disillusionment — and was honestly in no headspace to cater to a proper relationship. I even started talking to someone else around Christmas time that year, and almost entered a relationship that would most likely have been toxic. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.
Kola: But she slept with him sha.
Peju: FU. We weren’t committed to each other then.
Anyways, he caught feelings first and asked me one day if I didn’t feel like we should be more. I was surprised because I believed the old African mother’s take that once a guy can sleep with you casually, he’d never be interested in a relationship. So I asked him what made him bring it up.
Kola: I think it was March 2021. We’d been friends with benefits for several months, and I wasn’t over it yet. I still always wanted to spend time with her. One day, I just grew curious about what she thought of what we were doing, that’s all. I wanted to know where her mind was at.
How did that conversation go?
Peju: We decided to give dating a try. I still didn’t have a job, and my home issues were still there, but it was all less overwhelming to me after the fog that was the COVID period. I was ready to be alive again.
Kola: I’d switched jobs and had better job security at the new place, so you can say I was feeling really good and confident.
That was until she suggested an open relationship sometime in May 2021.
Peju: I was afraid.
At some point, I realised I really liked this guy and became scared of the ensuing commitment. I was already anticipating breakfast and wanted to cushion the blow early enough. If we were committed but not exclusive, he’d either break up with me before I fell too hard for him, or I wouldn’t feel so bad anyway because I’d already have someone else.
Kola: She didn’t explain this logic to me at the time, but it would’ve still been the craziest thing I’d ever heard. I told her right away that I didn’t want one, and she just smiled. That’s when I knew it was some kind of test.
But we didn’t really become a traditional boyfriend and girlfriend until early 2022.
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What’s your version of “traditional boyfriend and girlfriend”?
Kola: Communicating multiple times a day? Always being in each other’s faces physically and virtually? Running the most mundane plans by each other? We do these things now. But in 2020 or 2021? Big fat NOPE.
Peju: Yeah. Even after we had the whole conversation about taking our thing seriously, we’d just have a few calls to check in on each other every other week. It went from calling or texting only when we wanted sugar to small emotional talks here and there.
One time, he dropped by my house — my parents’ house actually — and brought me this wide tub of goat meat pepper soup. That was probably the most touching thing that happened between us. It was more like we went heavy on the “friends” part of the benefits than we were dating.
Kola: But that was our process to get to where we are now, and we took it.
Peju: I enjoyed that growing period a lot. Just as I’m enjoying what we have now.
Would you say you guys are in love now?
Peju: I would. Yes.
Kola: Our version of it anyway.
We care about each other a lot, and I think of her as my best friend right now, definitely the best sex I’ve ever had. But we’ve made this decision to never marry or have kids.
Peju: Oh yeah. I’ve always known I don’t want to get married ever, and he doesn’t want children, so we made a pact.
Wait. Please, explain the root of these decisions
Peju: I lived with my parents all my life until I moved in with him last year, but believe me when I say it was the most toxic situation ever. So toxic that it took Kola’s strength to help extricate myself from it. I’d probably have never had the mental power to get myself out of there. My elder sister is still there today.
I lied to my parents that my new job gave me an apartment in Lagos. They still don’t know I’m in Abuja with them. I’m mentally preparing for the day my mother or relatives in Lagos decide to visit me. I’ll either lie that I’ve gone on a business trip or make a quick trip there and beg one of my close friends to use her flat.
Kola: Or just tell her the truth at that point.
Peju: What my parents have going on is a very abusive thing, and I absolutely never want myself to be so tied to someone — because of a marriage certificate and joint assets and children — that getting out when things get beyond toxic becomes impossible. I can’t let that happen to me after all I’ve experienced, trust me.
Kola: Mine is a lot more mundane. I just don’t want children.
I’m confident I won’t be a good father, and this world is too messed up to bring new beings into. I don’t want to be responsible for the experiences of a dependent. The idea that your child could go through trauma, and it’d somehow be because of something you didn’t even know you did, is too much of a burden for me to shoulder.
Peju: I’m completely aligned on that, TBH.
Add that to the actual pregnancy, labour and birth experience, and then, caring for children during that infant-toddler-child and even teenage period? It’s too much. If we were all being honest as a society, we’d confess that it’s all just too much. The pain and suffering in this life is too much jo.
What if you change your mind in your 40s, but then, it’s too late?
Peju: My mother had my only sister and me in her 40s. Rare, but it happened to my mother twice. And come to think of it, maybe there’s a reason she didn’t have us earlier. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to bring us into such a toxic environment, but she forced it. No, I don’t think I’ll change my mind.
Worst case scenario, me and Kola will freeze our eggs/sperm when we get to our 30s. Thank God we’re laser-focused on our careers now, so we may be able to afford IVF. If not, it’s the thought that counts, abi?
Kola: Of course, I’ll always have sperm, so I’m not that pressed to change my mind.
Peju: You just told the universe to give you high blood pressure or prostate cancer.
Kola: God forbid. You’re actually a mad person. But that’s lowkey why I love you.
Peju: Yeah. Anyway, we had this conversation over time as we opened up to each other about our fears. He already knew how much my family life affected me, if not from day one, then from the day he talked me into moving in with him last year. But it took a while for me to find out about his aversion to kids. We were making futuristic plans in January 2023 when he finally admitted he didn’t want them, and I was like, “You know what? I get it.” We made a pact there and then.
Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Kola: First? Which one was the first now?
Peju: The toilet bag one.
Kola: Oh shit. That one was annoying. God. Small tone in my voice caused wahala.
Peju: It was one of my first few sleepovers at his place during COVID year. I don’t know how my black toilet bag found its way to his kitchen. All I remember is that it was dirty, so I unpacked it one evening with the intention of giving it a little scrub and letting it dry before putting my stuff back in.
But that never happened because, sex.
Kola: Anyway, later that night, I saw it on the kitchen counter when things were still a little foggy. I picked it up and said, “What is this?” in what Peju called a disrespectful tone and threw it in the bin.
Peju: Not just any bin o. The kitchen garbage can that had trash food and everything. I was so upset.
Kola: She screamed at me and insulted my life. I ended up throwing her out of my flat. Not one of my finest moments. We were still a “situation” then, so it didn’t really affect us. We just called each other the next time we needed sex — about two weeks later — and continued on.
Ahhh. And you forgot that was your first fight?
Kola: Oh, we’ve fought — a lot.
Peju: Yes na. Not every time love and light. Sometimes, you need drama and chaos for that healthy balance. It’s the struggle to be “cool” in relationships that used to cause see-finish o.
Agreed. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Kola: 10
Peju: I was looking at you well to see if you’ll call any lower number. Hmm.
Kola: I’m tired of this person.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you meet?
Comfort: In university. He was this tall guy a year ahead of me who owned a food business everyone knew about. Every student was jealous of him and other business owners like him who were very clearly making money and getting it right in life while the rest of us were confused.
Obinna: I thought I was making money too until I graduated from that school. Tears.
Comfort: Don’t mind him. He’s being humble.
Anyway, I knew him right from 100 level in 2016 because his small chops and barbeque business was already going well by then. He used to sell them to students, with his elder brother and a non-student they hired. I, like everyone in school, patronised him almost every day.
By the next year, we’d started exchanging pleasantries, and he was always willing to add one extra BBQ chicken to my small chops pack. See me smiling like an idiot anytime he did that. But it was all random. I don’t think either of us was thinking romantic then.
Obinna: I had a girlfriend at the time, but I considered becoming friends with Comfort very early on. I just didn’t act on it.
Comfort: At that point in my life, I believed thinking about boyfriend was unserious. I was 15 then 16. My focus was first class.
So when did you realise you liked each other?
Obinna: It wasn’t until final year in 2019. My business was still going strong, but my brother had graduated so it was all on me, and it was challenging to run alone. It was my first real taste of how tough it was to be an entrepreneur, dealing with vendors, keeping my server in check and all that. Things were crazy in terms of inflation that year (little did we know what 2023 would bring sha).
Long story short, my girlfriend since 200 level broke up with me — something about me being too scattered. The very next evening, Comfort came to patronise me. I just remember seeing her and immediately getting in a good mood.
Comfort: The way he said “Hi” actually took me aback. He had this bright smile on his face, so I asked why he was so happy. He said, “Because God is good all the time.” I just started laughing. He served me and my friends personally, but he was also very upbeat and friendly when he greeted them, so I didn’t really think he liked me. When I got to my room though, I was still smiling and thinking about him. His brightness made my day.
Obinna: I wanted to ask her out so bad, but I didn’t know how to go about it, so I just waited for a natural opportunity.
Comfort: I kept thinking of a way to have a proper conversation with him, but I told myself it wasn’t because I liked him but because I was curious about how he was making his business work. I’d tried at least two businesses by then, but they all crashed. It wasn’t like I was broke, but it was the in thing then to want to be an entrepreneur.
Anyway, God made a way for us to connect. He planted it in my heart to invite him to our campus fellowship. When I invited him, he agreed without argument, and I saw that as a good sign. The last thing I’d do is try to force people to attend my fellowship when it’s clear they don’t want to.
What happened at the fellowship?
Obinna: I’ve always had a strong spiritual life, but in university, I stopped attending anything that wasn’t Sunday service. I saw her invitation as God reminding me I was drawing back a bit. Also, I was at a low point in my life mentally, so I didn’t mind anything that would enrich my soul.
Also also, I’d been waiting for a chance to get closer to her. This was obviously the golden opportunity. Attending fellowship together any chance we got drew us closer than ever.
Comfort: He integrated so easily and deeply into the fellowship that in just a matter of months, it didn’t even seem like he was new anymore. He got along well with our youth pastor and was very helpful with outreaches in particular, thanks to his food business.
For us, we got to spend more time than ever after classes. And I was excited that he was helping me spend more time in God’s presence, even though half the time, it was because I wanted to be in his presence too.
Obinna: I got to know her and see her through God’s eyes, and that was the best thing. We talked about the ministry and made grand plans to focus on that and business after school.
You graduated the next year, right? How did that work out?
Obinna: Pretty well. I got funding from an angel investor, expanded to jollof rice and chicken/turkey and fully set my food business up on Instagram and Jumia. Our relationship also survived because I chose to be posted to our university’s state and served in the school.
Comfort: Life pretty much went on as normal during my final year, if you ignore the project and convocation hustle part. He worked as an office assistant in his course department but was mostly free to run his business.
Obinna: I also had more time to spend helping out in our campus fellowship and was made an assistant youth pastor two months in. I was tasked with leading the NYSC division in the school’s local government.
And when did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Comfort: I’d suspected so for a while, even when he was still in final year. But watching him and joining him to minister to his fellow corpers made me fall in love fully. I recognised his fire for Jesus and resonated with it. I still think he should be a pastor, but he insists God wants him in the background.
Also, my parents are both pastors, so I introduced him to them as soon as things got serious between us, and they immediately saw what I saw in him.
Obinna: The day I knew I was in love with her was when I asked her out on a date when we’d just started getting to know each other. I texted her that would she like to come out to get something to eat, and she replied with such excitement. I think she texted, “Yayyyyyy. YES. When and where?” Something like that. And when I called her, she couldn’t contain her joy.
It’s so small, but I’d gotten used to having girlfriends hold back their emotions just so you don’t know how much they like you or not. Because we think when we show it, we’ve lost some game. I’m guilty of that too. But she? She didn’t care. She was overjoyed to be invited to hang out with me and wasn’t afraid to show it. I just knew I wanted to be with someone so brave and genuine.
Comfort: Wow. I’ve actually never heard him tell that story like this.
Obinna: That’s why I asked her to marry me when she was about to go for NYSC and they posted her to Niger. I knew she’d still redeploy, but I didn’t want to lose her in camp. I almost took it back when I remembered she was still 19.
Wait, what?
Obinna: Don’t worry. I was 22. I was also too young.
Comfort: But I didn’t think so at all. Our ancestors married much younger. I was absolutely sure when he asked me to marry him that I wanted to be his wife forever, and I didn’t see any reason why we should wait. I was sure, and I’m still sure.
Obinna: In the end, we married because we didn’t want our passionate love to lead us to sin.
Comfort: We didn’t want to ever be tempted into pre-marital physical relations of any sort. Because up until that moment, we’d done nothing more than kiss. I was a virgin, and while he wasn’t exactly, he’d chosen to be celibate for us.
But how did it happen? Were you still 19? What did your parents say? I have so many questions
Obinna: Her parents are pastors. They were the first to tell us that the spirit of God was eminent in our relationship. I’ll never forget her father telling me the Holy Spirit guided us to decide to do the right thing early. He told me that we should count ourselves lucky for getting things right so young, and I think he’s right.
It was my parents who were resistant.
Comfort: I’d met his mum before then, but I didn’t know his parents the way he knew mine. Obinna visited my home freely and even started attending our church when we were home for holidays. But I felt too self-conscious to visit his home.
Obinna: When she went to camp, and I told my father I’d proposed to my girlfriend, he laughed at me. He asked me whether it was because he was giving me money anyhow that I thought I could sponsor a family of my own. He didn’t care that my business was doing well when I hadn’t gotten a job four months after passing out of NYSC.
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How did you guys cross that bridge?
Obinna: I didn’t do anything about it at first because I wasn’t in a hurry, but when she redeployed to Lagos, she made it clear to me that she was ready for us to marry right after she passed out at the end of the year. By that time, she’d be well into 20 years.
Comfort: I was excited about getting married.
I’m the first of my mother’s five children, so I practically raised my younger ones and loved it. One of my major dreams — besides having my own business and preaching the gospel regularly — was always to raise my own family. I just never imagined it would happen sooner rather than later.
My parents are my safety net if we ever struggle financially, which I knew we won’t because my husband is led by God.
Obinna: I had to ask my elder brothers to accompany me to talk to my father again. They mocked me but agreed to go with and even talk for me. My father respects my eldest brother a lot, so he accepted to bless my decision. It helped that my mother loved Comfort from the start. She was reluctant to the idea of us marrying early, but she didn’t hate it.
Were either of you scared you were making the wrong decision?
Obinna: Yes, of course.
Comfort: Nope.
Obinna: I was scared because my father put the fear of God in my heart about how hard it was to take care of a family. I kept imagining myself broke and unable to pay school fees.
Comfort: God forbid. That can never be us.
Obinna: Well, her faith and my love for her helped a lot. The last thing I wanted to do was develop cold feet and abandon her at the altar.
Comfort: God would’ve never let that happen though. I’m His favourite.
I agree. So how did the wedding go?
Comfort: We planned it while I was serving, and it was both exciting and frustrating. My zonal inspector made my life hell, but I thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through.
We went to Ikoyi Registry the week after my passing out parade in October 2021, and our parents were there as witnesses with one of my younger sisters. The church wedding was a month after that. I cried during that one and ruined my makeup.
Before he lies, you should know Obinna also cried.
Obinna: I did. No one tells you how intense the church ceremony gets. I also think we were both tired from all the activity that led up to the day. It was a big ceremony. She even invited NYSC officials to the reception.
Comfort: We’d saved up from my alawee and his business to spend a weekend at a nice hotel resort on the mainland. So we were able to rest it all out and just be alone together — our version of a honeymoon.
That was actually when we discussed some important things like how many children we wanted. Don’t worry we’d talked genotype, living arrangements and a financial plan while I was serving.
That’s right. How could you afford your own place in this economy?
Comfort: Oh, we had help, I must confess. My parents paid for two years’ rent on a two-bedroom. The original plan was to live in his parents’ house for some time, but my dad was vehemently against it.
Obinna: That expires in about two months, so we’ll soon be on our own. Luckily, we took our rent savings seriously last year because 2023 has been rough for business so far. We’ve only just stabilised operations.
Comfort: And our family church has been helpful — funding here, patronage there. That’s one good thing about being faithful with our tithes and offerings.
Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Comfort: By God’s grace, we haven’t had a major fight yet, but we do argue from time to time.
Obinna: The recurring one I can think of is when feminism comes up and she denies she’s a feminist. She hates the label just because of the bad rep it gets, but she’s always the first to speak up when she or any woman around her is treated badly in a way that’s obvious it’s because of her gender. She does everything a feminist would do, but the moment I call her a feminist, she gets upset.
Comfort: You said it already. I don’t like the label. I’m a humanist.
Obinna: That sounds exactly like “All lives matter”.
Comfort: I don’t know about that one o.
I won’t say men and women are equal; we’re not the same. I also don’t need to get aggressive or behave like a man to prove I should be treated with respect. There’s feminine energy, and it’s much different than masculine energy. Let’s stop trying to compare or covet someone else’s place.
Ah, sorry. What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?
Obinna: Hmm. We wouldn’t really know. No one knows for certain what goes on in other people’s relationships.
Comfort: What even makes up a conventional relationship? Isn’t everyone, and so, every relationship different?
The things about us that take a special place in my heart though, is how much praying harmony we have. We always move in the same frequency, we spur each other on during daily devotion and trust me when I say that’s a blessing.
Also, how we let each other be young. My only fear coming into this marriage was I’d get too old or mature too fast. I’ve always been seen as too mature and even boring for my age, as a firstborn. So I thought one day when I’m like 25, someone would see so much marriage weight on my head and shoulders and think I’m 35.
But we allow ourselves to think, dress and behave young.
Obinna: We even made a decision to not start having children till either me or her turn 30, depending on which feels most natural to us when we get there. We are religious about birth control, but if it happens by an act of God before then, we won’t put a stop to it, of course.
Comfort: We hope God would be merciful enough to honour our wishes though because we’d have to grow up fast once children enter the picture.
True. But don’t you get the usual pressure to be “fruitful” now that you’re married?
Comfort: We do, but the only good thing about the current situation in the country is that people can hardly put that kind of pressure on you with their full mouth. People don’t even visit or call these days because are you seeing the price of fuel?
Obinna: Everyone has sort of quietly agreed that this isn’t the type of economic situation to bring a baby into. The last thing my mother said on the subject, earlier in the year was, “Obim, just take your time. Nothing is chasing you.”
Comfort: My parents only had to be told we’re doing family planning, and nothing was wrong in the fertility department, to drop the subject — at least, for another two or so years.
Got it. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Obinna: I want to say 10, but I don’t want to be too proud.
Comfort: Yes o. Perfection is for Jesus, so let’s just humbly say 9.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Rasheed: It was at a party rally in 2011. By party, I mean political party. I’d been an active member for about five years at the time, but she’d just become a card-holding member. It was one of the first activities she attended, ahead of the general elections.
She came and sat on the bleachers with her aunt, who was the PA to a popular state first lady. She was one of the few young ladies present, so I noticed her quickly.
Toyin: I noticed him because he moved around a lot during the proceedings, and I was curious about who he was in the scheme of things. He dressed well, in a neat native kaftan, and looked generally clean and put together. I asked my aunt who he was, but she only had vague answers. He was a political aide or party agent or something or the other.
We didn’t notice each other noticing each other. It was a stadium, and rallies are chaotic. The only reason why we even crossed each other’s eyes was because we were in the same section of the stadium. We supported the same aspirants.
Rasheed: It wasn’t until she became a more active part of a federal reps’ campaign as one of his speech writers that we met in earnest.
During campaigns, the team would stay up many nights in the aspirants’ living rooms, strategising but mostly gisting. The young people usually formed a coalition against the older folks, who were usually the majority. We had many such nights of casual debates.
She didn’t spend as much time with us on those nights because her parents weren’t supportive of political work. She also worked full-time at a law firm, and I could tell it was hard for her to balance both responsibilities.
When did you realise you liked each other?
Rasheed: When I found out we attended the same university. Although I’d graduated before she even entered, it gave us some nostalgic stories to share that only we could relate to. Her smartness was also evident. She’s a beauty with brains, so I had no choice but to like her. Many of us liked her that year. It was an inside joke that even the honourable was toasting her.
Toyin: They couldn’t approach me because of my aunty and her boss. Alhamdulillah because I didn’t want those political boys disturbing my life. They’re notorious for carrying girls up and down. I wasn’t sure if Rasheed was like that, but at least, we could have decent conversations.
One day, after the elections were over and our candidate unfortunately lost, he sent a consolation package to my office. It had a handwritten note, a bottle of fruit wine and some assorted fruits — it was during Ramadan. Seeing the package and finding out it was from him was the first moment the possibility of liking him more than a friend came to me. I just sat there smiling and ignoring my colleagues’ many questions. I didn’t expect it at all.
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When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Rasheed: After I sent the gift, she didn’t call to thank me, so I felt, “This girl doesn’t have manners.” I waited for some days, and when she still didn’t call, I had to bite the bullet. When we spoke over the phone, she immediately apologised, claiming she’d been overwhelmed because her boss had a serious litigation case and was making all the associates’ lives hell.
I was still annoyed, but when I heard she was spending late nights at the office, I decided to go visit her at 6 p.m. one evening. I went with some snacks and drinks, of course. That was when we first spoke — well joked — about running for office ourselves, and leaving the rat race behind.
Toyin: It helped that we’d left the political campaign arena for a bit. That space could get a bit like secondary school, where you’re clustered in the same environment for too long.
He had an unofficial job in the government because that rep aspirant was appointed as a commissioner by the state governor. Rasheed helped him run contracts out of office, so he was a lot more flexible than I was at the law firm. He talked me into leaving the office earlier than I might have — even though it was getting to 8 p.m. No one else would’ve ever convinced me to leave those folders and literally risk my job — one of the partners was still on seat — to sneak home.
Our relationship kicked off from there.
Rasheed: Don’t worry, she left that job soon after, when I got sponsorship to run for the state house of rep later in 2011. I didn’t win, but she was a huge help, travelling with me and offering great advice. We both got our first big political gigs after that long campaign travail.
What was your first major fight about?
Rasheed: When I had to go to my hometown to take up a government appointment. She’d just started at a multinational NGO, so she couldn’t leave and come with me. This was in 2013. We were discussing getting married when the job and then my appointment came in quick succession. It was like God was challenging our relationship.
Toyin: It all but paused when neither of us agreed to stay with the other. I was upset for a while. I remember when he was leaving, a lot of people around me knew about it and asked why I didn’t want to see him off. It was partly because I was angry, but also because I knew I’d miss him. I didn’t want to watch him leave. He had a better chance of winning elections in his own hometown, so I didn’t expect him back. It really felt like the end of us.
Rasheed: For some weeks, we didn’t speak. And I think it’s only because we didn’t make a conscious decision to and we were overwhelmed with settling into our respective jobs. But soon after, we were calling each other to check-in. I don’t even know who called first. Some months in, I invited her to come and spend a weekend. That’s how our relationship kicked back off.
Toyin: We started making the trip to spend some days with each other every so often.
How long did it take for the topic of marriage to come up again?
Toyin: It took some time because we were so focused on our careers. We had so much ambition that we couldn’t just settle down to all the logistics a wedding entails, given the families we come from. But we’d started getting external pressure at that point when he moved to his hometown. My mother and aunties urged me not to “let this man see you finish before doing the right thing”.
Rasheed: I was getting political pressure as well. Elections are easier to win when you’re married and have your own family.
Toyin: I wasn’t ready for all that at all. I knew the moment we wed, I’d have to pause my own political ambitions and be his “helper”. That’s the way Nigerian politics goes. “First ladies” are put in a box, and it’s only after your husband has done it all politically that you can even attempt to come out of his shadows if you’re lucky. I didn’t want that.
Rasheed: I decided to respect her wishes, and that brought some ups and downs for us for the next four or so years. I loved her dearly, but there were a few times my eyes strayed, and I wasn’t so sure we’d ever marry.
Why d’you think you lasted together then?
Rasheed: No other woman ever gave me that pride I have when I’m with her. She’s an impressive person, the things she’s been able to achieve in her own right. I wanted her and was willing to do anything to have her as my official wife.
Toyin: I think it’s just the fact that he waited for me. I wanted to get my master’s and reach a certain level in my governmental career. He waited through all that, and it took five years, I think. He wasn’t just patient; he was immensely supportive. I know he had other women a few times, but to me, he was faithful in the ways that mattered. It’s clear from how he proposed.
He just sat me down one day in May 2018, when we were finally living in the same city for the first time in about a year. He said, “Listen. We better do this once and for all. Before I just announce to the world that we’re already married without you and your family’s consent.”
The man was tired
Rasheed: I was. I also wanted to be sure we were still on the same page. Maybe she had someone else she was waiting for while stringing me along on the side.
Toyin: You’re not serious.
Rasheed: We finally got married in January 2019. The next month, I won my first election, and I truly believe she was my good luck charm.
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God, when? What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?
Rasheed: We live in different cities again, because of our jobs. I’m in Abuja now, in a political office. She’s a commissioner in our state. We’re married but visiting. She has her house, and I have mine. It’s brought a lot of excitement into our marriage, truth be told. You know the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? That’s so true for us.
Toyin: Our jobs give our marriage breathing space by force so that when we see each other maybe every other week, we’re so excited. We’re always in a good mood when we’re together in one home. He’s gotten used to cooking for himself or having our cook make his meals. It also makes conversations about me needing to travel for work easier.
Rasheed: Don’t get us wrong. It’s not a long-distance marriage. It’s just that where the average married couple sleep in the same bed every single night, ours is maybe ten nights a month. And it works perfectly. It’s like we’re still only dating.
What about your children, if you have any?
Rasheed: We have a son, yes. And we don’t carry him back and forth if that’s what you’re asking. His stability is paramount to us. He stays with me, and my mother and sister take care of him fully. I didn’t marry a housewife, so no one expects her to be doing homemaking. However, she manages both houses and all our staff answer to her.
Toyin: Our son is still a toddler, so we try to shield him from the chaos of Nigerian politics the best we can. While I wish we could be more present for him, he has the best care from his grandmother, and she has the luxury of time to give him that I don’t have right now. I’m glad I can create a legacy for him to inherit instead.
What’s the best thing about being married to each other?
Rasheed: Our shared ambition. I’ve had girlfriends in the past who simply didn’t care about doing anything to change the world or help society. With Toyin, I can talk about my ideals without feeling foolish. It’s been that way from day one. We’re still going to rule the world together; that’s the goal. She’s the reason I can confidently have that kind of goal.
Toyin: We’re a power couple, and I love it. There are very few power couples in Nigerian politics.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Rasheed: 7 or 8. But no marriage is perfect.
Toyin: Very true. I’d say the same.
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Jane: We met when I moved to Lagos in 2006. My family friend was showing me around town. He took me to his office at MTN and, there, introduced me to a lot of people, including Fola.
Fola: We went out for drinks after that introduction — me, Jane and her friend. Then found out we knew each other as kids.
Jane: We had grown up in the same neighbourhood in Port Harcourt, and we had a few mutual friends and similar childhood experiences.
Fola: A friendship developed between us, but she was involved with someone else, and they were very engaged. I found out four months later when I let her know I was interested. Our friendship had really blossomed, and I was falling in love with her, but she chose to stay with her fiancé.
Jane: Fortunately or unfortunately, I and my fiancé found out our genotype wasn’t compatible. We were both AS, so we couldn’t get married. At first, we wanted to gamble it, but family and friends seriously discouraged us. It was a difficult time for me, but Fola was there, always showing up as a good friend.
Fola: When they broke up a year later, I was still there. At some point, I told her I was still interested in her, but she was still not interested in me.
Jane: He didn’t give up. He just kept trying and showing up, but he didn’t force me. Two months after he asked me out the second time, he said, “Hey, ma. I love you, and I really want to do this thing with you. I’d love for us to get married, to be a couple, to date, all that.”
Fola: This woman told me to write a letter.
Jane: And he did. I don’t think chivalry was dead at that time. He wrote me a love letter, and I still have it somewhere.
Long story short, we got married in 2008.
Sharon, Single
I’ve heard about “friendship love” for a long time, but I had to experience it myself to fully understand how deep it could get.
Sometime in 2019, I was in a dark place. I was late on school fees payment, and it was close to graduation week. The school issued a letter stating anyone who didn’t complete their fees wouldn’t graduate with their set. That was very damning news to hear. Isn’t the whole point of going to school to graduate? And it wasn’t like I failed.
I confided in my friends — not exactly so they could help me, I was just giving them my regular life update. Then one day, I randomly received a huge sum of money. I was shocked. Where did it come from? I opened the alert notification and saw that it was from a friend. I wish I could relive how that felt. I just sat there and stared at the alert for a long time. I was crying; my heart was full of gratitude and happiness.
When I called, she was like, “It’s nothing much. I just wanted to see how far it could go. I want to join in your faith that you’ll pay your fees in time to graduate.” I asked how she did it, and she said she’d been saving for it. She also took out of her personal savings to create this fund for me.
I thought, where did she even get my account number? She went out of her way to find my details and quietly sent me money. This was someone who’d just graduated from school, so she wasn’t exactly on her feet like that.
At the end of the day, that’s love.
Fatima, Married
I dated my first boyfriend in university, and we were together even after we graduated. Then he went to do his master’s abroad, and I saved up to go see him once. He’d proposed before he left, and we wanted to do a formal introduction, but my mother insisted I wasn’t running away, and he should come back first.
He eventually stayed abroad after his master’s and found love with somebody else. I felt like our eight years of relationship waka were wasted, and it really broke me. Then I met my current husband, and we didn’t even date for up to eight months. He assured me I was the one he wanted to marry.
We’re happily married with two kids now.
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Peju, Single
On Valentine’s Day 2023, my friends and I gathered at Bature to share gifts and reassure ourselves that we’d always be there to support and roast each other.
One of us had just gotten out of a two-year situationship, another guy who was always forming hard guy had finally fallen in love with somebody we didn’t expect him to fall for, and another one had chopped serious breakfast though he was single.
We shared these stories among ourselves, and it was just a beautiful moment of pure friendship filled with love.
Bobby, Single
My older brother has shown me love in amazing ways and shaped me into the person I am today, in terms of how I treat people.
In 2015, when he was still serving under NYSC, I told him I wanted a bike. I’ve always been more comfortable telling him stuff than my older sister or parents. He said he’d get back to me. Out of excitement and trust, I went and took my friend’s bike on credit. When he saw me using it, he asked where I got it from. I told him, and he was furious. He asked, “Have I paid? Why did you take the bike?”
I was sad because I thought he’d return it the next day when he was scheduled to return to his post in Osun State. I cried throughout the night, but when he was ready to travel, he actually gave me the money for the bike. This meant a lot to me because he showed me that I can always rely on him.
Olla and Diazno, Married
Olla: We met in 2014 and immediately hated each other because we were arguing about something. A few weeks later, he texted me, saying, “Hey, I don’t think we got off on the right foot. Can we actually get to know each other now?” Then, we started talking.
Diazno: I was supposed to be her guitar teacher. But we never actually got around to the lessons until after we started dating. We became friends towards the end of 2014, got closer early in 2015, talked for months and became official in October 2015.
Olla: We were really young when we started dating. I was 18, and he was 20. But then, we got married five years later.
In our first year, we would argue about weird stuff — mostly playful arguments because we didn’t want bitter fights. But when we sat down and talked about it, he’d do the things we talked about, sometimes even quicker than me. It’s been three years, and he’s still the same person, trying to always be better.
Diazno: All I can do is try.
I’m also her producer. She makes beautiful music, and I play the guitar for her on stage.
Olla: He’s always there to guide me. And in the darkest moments of my life, he’s been the most supportive person, doing his best to make my life better.
In 2022, I had a terrible illness, and this man took several loans to take care of the bills. It was draining us both and really eating into our finances. I knew he was overwhelmed, but he kept saying, “Babe, just get better. That’s all I want. I can always make this money back, but I can’t trade you for anything in this world.”
I know for sure he’ll do anything for me. He was shuffling between Germany and Nigeria until I moved to Germany to be with him in May 2021. I started school, and he got me this pretty Macbook. I felt it was too much. I honestly didn’t need a laptop that serious. Also, where did you get the money, oh boy?
Diazno: You deserve the finest things in life, and I plan to work hard to make that possible.
Olla: The only sound in my head right now is “Ojigbi jigbi jigbi” because e pass butterflies.
Diazno: I’m just looking forward to several more years together with us living our best, healthiest life.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
I was looking for stories about malice in married couples when Tiffany* (31) reached out. She talked about getting married to the first man she’s ever loved after getting pregnant at 18. She enjoyed the first few years of the marriage, but it later broke down due to fights, financial abuse and infidelity.
I remember the exact moment I knew my marriage was over. I can still recall how my husband casually threw an “I don’t have the time” to my face in response to my suggestion that we see a marriage counsellor. Before that, we hadn’t said a word to each other for seven months.
I met my husband, Ade*, at university in 2009. I was a fresh-faced 17-year-old first-year student excited to be finally free from the control of her strict parents.
I’m the first child of a family of five, and like most Nigerian first daughters can relate to, my mum took it upon herself to make sure I didn’t “spoil”. My life was a school, church and home rotation from primary to secondary school. I never went anywhere else, even on school excursions.
So, even before I finished secondary school, I knew university was my only chance at freedom. I convinced my mum, using the university’s academic ratings and impressive alumni network, to let me pick a school two states away from where we lived. Of course, I didn’t drop any hint that I wanted to stay far away from her, or it wouldn’t have worked.
I was in that state of freedom-induced-excitement when I met Ade. He was a classmate and was so handsome. I had a crush on him before he even asked me out. When he did, I said yes immediately. He was 20 at the time.
Ours was a whirlwind romance that resulted in me getting pregnant the following year at 18. When I found out, I thought, “Surely, my mother will kill me.” In retrospect, pregnancy shouldn’t have come as a surprise because, naively, we only used the withdrawal method of contraception. We were both too shy to buy condoms or seek out other ways to prevent pregnancy.
We tried abortion, but the pill he gave me didn’t do anything. We were still trying to figure out the next step when my mum visited me in school unexpectedly. I was four weeks pregnant then, but apparently, she’d had a dream where someone told her I was pregnant and warned her to make sure I didn’t get an abortion. On hearing that, I had no choice but to confess. Surprisingly, she wasn’t angry. I think she was still scared I’d go ahead with the abortion. When she asked about Ade’s plan to provide for me and the unborn child, I said, “We’ll get married”.
Ade and I hadn’t discussed marriage before then, but it seemed like the logical next step. If we were keeping the baby and we loved each other, why not just get married now rather than later?
I talked to him about it, and he was on board. Again, we were both naive. My mum was relieved that we wouldn’t bring shame to the family, while my dad worried about how we would survive as a family. Ade’s parents met mine, and they (his parents) promised to support us financially for the remaining years we had in school. We got married in 2010. I was 19, and he was 22.
The early years of marriage weren’t as tough as you’d expect with married undergraduates. When I had my child, she spent more time at my mum’s and mother-in-law’s. It was their way of ensuring I focused at school. So, it was just Ade and I, and we were still obsessed with each other.
The real problem started when we graduated. Financial support from his family became inconsistent, and jobs weren’t forthcoming. Our child also started living with us. The pressure started to affect us, and we fought a lot, almost weekly. Anytime he was angry, he’d stop talking to me until I folded and apologised.
Things started to look better in 2014 when Ade finally got a well-paying job. He was supposed to bring in the money while I took care of the home and our four-year-old child. It sounded like a good plan, until it wasn’t.
He became financially abusive. If I asked for money for the smallest things like baby medicine, he’d groan and complain about how he works all day but can’t enjoy his money. He even started keeping tabs on the food items. If I boiled a cup of rice when he wasn’t home, he’d notice and complain.
My mum advised me to get a job to support the family’s income. So, I found a teaching job that allowed me to leave my child in the school’s daycare for free. But it didn’t stop his complaints. The new issue became how I’d started to make dinner late and didn’t have time for him.
I was still trying my best to get things to how they were before when I discovered he was cheating on me. I’d suspected for a while that he was hiding something, so I decided to check his phone one day. Apparently, he was dating someone in his office. I confronted him about it, and he turned it back on me. It became, “How dare you snoop through my phone?”
He stopped talking to me as usual, and I was determined not to apologise this time. He was cheating on me, for God’s sake! He stopped eating at home, and I also stopped cooking for him. We didn’t greet each other at all, and he even started sleeping in the sitting room. He even took it out on our child. If she asked him for a snack, he’d tell her to “Go and ask your mother”. We just ran out of things to say to each other.
It went on like that for seven months until my mother came to visit one day and noticed the tension. She was angry I’d let it fester for so long and made me promise to make amends. After she left, I asked him about seeing a marriage counsellor, and you know how that went.
That incident happened in 2016, and it was the beginning of the end. When he started staying away from the house for multiple consecutive days and speaking loudly on the phone to ladies whenever he was around, I knew I had to leave. My parents weren’t in support, but I moved out with my child in July 2016. The headteacher at the school where I worked was a good friend, and she allowed me to move into the school nurse’s quarters.
It’s been almost seven years since I left, and Ade has never called to know my whereabouts. His family was aware when I left, but apart from calling once in a while to check on my daughter, they made no attempts to reconcile us or make sure he was even doing his part for his child’s upkeep. Thankfully, I’m reasonably well-off financially and can take care of my child.
I still can’t pinpoint exactly what went wrong with us. Maybe it was life, or probably he just fell out of love. Maybe I should’ve handled things better. But it’s too late to start thinking of “what-ifs”. Last I heard from friends, he’d japa.
My child is asking more questions now, and I’m torn between reaching out to him to get closure for her or just ignoring her questions. For now, I’m delaying the inevitable.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you meet?
Jola: We met at a friend’s off-campus birthday party in 2016. We were still undergrads, and I think our whole class attended it. The place was packed because her boyfriend had taken over the party, and I barely knew anyone.
At some point, I saw this guy sitting by himself, looking very chill and contemplative. I watched him for a bit and noticed one of my friends knew him. Later on, I asked him to introduce us. The chill guy turned out to be Alex.
Alex: That’s pretty much it. We were introduced, and just like that, she came into my life. A week later, she moved into my flat.
Alex: After. But we never really agreed; we just knew. We talked for a long time during the party, eventually left and took a stroll where we didn’t say much. Then we ended up at my place. The relationship started right away, to be honest.
Jola: There was no asking out. There was just “I like you”, “I like you too”. Then months later, “I love you”, “I love you too”. That was really it for us. We knew we’d met the one.
We graduated the following year, so it was great to have him as a present support system through graduation struggles, NYSC and the start of our careers. We’re both creatives, so we were able to develop our craft together, hustle for gigs together and so on.
Alex: It was pretty convenient for us to fall in love.
Since we’ve jumped to that, how exactly did you know you were in love?
Alex: She moved in pretty early on, and it somehow felt natural. That must’ve been the first sign.
As soon as she came with her black box and big pink bag — without my prior permission, by the way — I don’t think I’d ever been happier, and I’m usually territorial.
I’m always so happy to do things for her, to get her gifts or just small things she likes, and she always pops up in my mind when something interesting is happening.
Jola: I knew I was in love with him after living with him for about a month and realising I wasn’t sick of him. He’s such a pleasure to live with. He’s not perfect — we do have our fights once in a while — but he’s so considerate, neat and clean. In fact, I’ve learnt to be cleaner from him.
I also always want to be with him, but I’ve never felt like he thinks I’m too needy or clingy.
Alex: Yeah. We go everywhere together. We’re like each other’s hand bag. We don’t have everything in common, but we have such good conversations. We can talk for hours and hours.
Jola: We were considering starting a podcast together, inspired by my popular namesake. But that was before literally everyone jumped on it.
Right? But what led up to Jola moving in? What was it about that first week?
Jola: It’s been over seven years. Not sure it was even that big of a deal. I’ll say I wanted to visit him all the time.
Alex: She was always at my place after that first night. Maybe because it was closer to campus and in a more convenient part of the school community than hers.
Jola: I’d go straight to his after classes or we’d go out together and end up back there after. Then I’d find it hard to make it back to my flat later.
Alex: Either it’d get too late or we just didn’t want to part ways. So most nights, she’d sleep over.
Jola: Then in the morning, I’d be worried about getting ready, if my clothes were rumpled, stuff like that. By the end of the first week, I was tired of that routine. I went home one afternoon, packed my important items and returned to his place. Over the next few days, I moved my remaining things and abandoned the rest. Even after graduation, I never went back to my parents’ house.
Wild. How did they take that?
Jola: They pushed back for a bit. My mum felt I just wanted freedom to be wayward, but once they knew the pressure wasn’t working, they eased off. It helped that I didn’t need them for the rent because they’d never have released funds. I also stopped asking them for allowance.
Alex: My parents, on the other hand, thought I should’ve been saving for important projects instead of spending on rent so early. But it’s not like we got an apartment in Lekki Phase 1. I told them to calm down.
Jola: We both served in Kogi for NYSC and got cheap corper housing for the year. When we moved back to Lagos, we got a place close to the university community in Yaba. We paid for everything off our earnings as freelancers for another year.
Alex: We really tried o. We’ve come far.
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True. How are you guys not married yet?
Jola: We’re still saving for that o. Country hard. Haven’t you heard?
Alex: And when we think “marriage”, we also think of children. We have high hopes for our future kids — what school they’ll attend, what activities we’d like for them to be involved in — so we need to get to a certain level in our careers first.
Jola: That’s it.
Alex: Besides that, we’re already married in our own eyes.
Fair. But what was your first major fight about?
Jola: So when we first got together in 2016, he used to study overnight a lot. He’d leave the bedroom light on through the night instead of just going to the living room. He didn’t like going there because he shared it with his two housemates.
Meanwhile, I’m a light sleeper and can’t sleep if it’s not pitch dark. I thought since he knew this, he’d stop, but no. One time, he did it for three days straight, and I wasn’t getting any sleep.
Alex: Yeah. I actually didn’t put two and two together.
Jola: When I finally told him on the fourth day, he just dismissed it — his studies were more important than my rest. That night, two of his coursemates came to the room to read until around midnight. I had an exam at 8 a.m. the next day. I was so angry, and I told him as soon as they left.
Alex: She ranted for a while and then started crying. I stood there shocked. I sincerely had no idea the light was affecting her sleep. I really felt bad, but me too, I didn’t immediately apologise. I just left the room for her that night. I actually cried in the sitting room because of how bad I felt, and I was also overwhelmed with final exam pressure and exhaustion.
Jola: We gave each other attitude for the rest of the exam period, but as soon as it was done, we made up and it was as if the fight never happened. It was just exam hormones.
What’s the best thing about being together so far?
Jola: How well we understand each other and get along.
Alex: Yeah. The whole foundation of our relationship is that we get along well. Everything happens naturally.
Jola: We get along with the other important people in each other’s lives too. All our friends are now friends with each other, same with our siblings and parents. We even use each other as a vibe check. If you don’t get along with someone I’m about to be friends with, they usually get cut off and vice versa.
Alex: We also have so many inside jokes now. How could I start that over with someone new?
What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?
Jola: How little sex we have? People expect that we must have a lot of sex because of how clingy we are to each other, but we only have sex every other day.
Alex: Are you joking? Tell me you’re joking.
Jola: Maybe twice a week at most.
Anyway we made a decision a few years back to only fight or argue via text. Even if we’re in the same house.
Alex: It doesn’t always work, but it’s the funniest thing when it happens. And depending on how serious the fight is, it diffuses the situation a bit. Have you ever texted while you’re angry? It’s the worst.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Jola: A high 8 that’s leaning towards 9.
Alex: 9
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
