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Nigerian Women should get away with everything simply because they’re women. However, it’s now International Women’s Month, so they should get away with even more things.
We’ve compiled a list of things women should be forgiven for doing in the month of March.
Not ironing their clothes
Why do you want women to keep doing physical labour? They’re already underpaid and overworked. If they say they’re not ironing their clothes this month, free them!
Biting their partners
Being a woman is hard work. Let them take sustenance from you.
Having a breakdown
Sometimes, the things you plan in your head don’t work out in real life. While other people might think of something else when this happens, women tend to break down. This International Women’s Month, there’s a lot of extra pressure on women. So if they break down, let them.
Collecting their partner’s food
If she asks you for your food, give her. You can’t tell a woman no during International Women’s Month. That’s sexist.
Carrying tiny bags
Women are already carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Why do you want them to carry even more stuff?
Food makes women happy. Women should always be happy. Even if it means waking up at 3 a.m. to turn semo. If it sparks joy, let them cook!
Arriving late to everything
They have to look their best, and that means spending extra time prepping. Our motto this month is, “The women were not late; the event was just early”.
If you’ve searched for love in all other places in the world, but the Lord revealed to you that the office is where you’ll find it, congratulations. However, to prevent you from finding love but losing your source of money, here are some ways to handle office romance without getting caught
Make sure you’re in different departments
Why will you date a team member? Do you want problems for yourself? If they don’t do their work, it’s you they’ll call to help. It’s giving secondary school.
Don’t wear their clothes to the office
You might think your coworkers won’t notice, but they will. Stick to your own clothes, and if the two of you mistakenly own the same clothes, unown it.
No pet names
Better stick to their government name throughout the duration of the relationship. If not, you’ll accidentally call them “baby” at the office, and then what?
Have a side thing so people don’t suspect
Talk about your other partner all the time. That way, people won’t suspect you and your coworker have a thing.
Do nothing together
Even if you plan to leave the office together, enter separate Ubers to a location where you can switch to the same ride. And make sure the two of you don’t arrive together to company parties or events.
Don’t talk about your dates on social media
It’s the easiest way for people to piece that you hang out outside the office. Even if they don’t realise you’re dating, they’ll have their eyes on you.
Deny everything
If all else fails, and you get caught, deny everything. Lie today, lie tomorrow, lie forever more.
The most interesting Nigerians are the ones you meet on a queue. But this isn’t just any queue. Here are the seven types of people you’re sure to meet at your polling unit come February 25th.
The one who just wants to be comfortable
These guys don’t care how long it’ll take, all that matters is they have their charged power banks, foldable chairs with an umbrella attached, multiple bottles of water, food and snacks. They want to vote but in the most comfortable way, and to be honest, I stan.
The one who came to keep space for all their family members
They’d keep space for themselves and their entire generation unborn, if possible. And you can’t even be upset because, at least, they came to vote.
The pastor who prays before voting starts
You’ll be trying to get yourself together after arriving early to see a long queue, and the next thing, you hear is, “Can we please close our eyes for prayers”. We’ll allow it sha. Maybe God will make people vote right for the good of Nigeria.
The first-time voter
This one is just there to stress about the process. The person at their front or back will get sick of answering questions and start ignoring them. They’ll be alright when they realise it’s not hard — just make your choice and go.
The political analysts
Instead of voting and going home to their families, they find a spot to hang around and argue for hours.
The vote watchers
Just like the political analysts, they stay behind after voting to see who other people have voted for. They’ll interview everyone and just cause a nuisance. Ignoring them is the only way to go.
You
You know what you want from your candidate. You know the future you want for yourself and everyone else. All that matters to you is casting your vote so you can go home and wait for a favourable result. Your vote counts in every way.
I’ll be first to admit I underestimated just how many Kims exist in the K-pop world. Not to be mistaken for relatives of Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea, here are all the Kims any true K-stan knows and loves.
Kim Yujin
If you’re a big fan of fantasy movies and saw the American TV show, Lost, growing up, then you’ve seen this actress before. She’s most popular for her role in Money Heist though.
Kim Bum
Probably one of the most underrated South Korean actors, he’s also a singer, dancer and model. You may know him from Boys Over Flower, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, Ghost Doctor or 18 Again.
Kim Taeri
Our baby-faced fave is the actress who had a breakout role in the award-winning movie, The Handmaiden,and the heart-breaking 2022 high school drama, Twenty-five Twenty-one.
Kim Go Eun
The queen of tears. Are you even a K-drama fan if you don’t know Go Eun from Cheese in the Trap, Goblin,and, more recently, Little Women?
Kim Seokjin
He’s the oldest member and lead vocalist of BTS, currently serving in the South Korean army.
Kim Jongin
Probably one of the best dancers in K-pop, EXO-Ls will never forget him in his iconic red suit from that Love Shot fam cam. The rapper and model is a member of the 3rd-gen group, EXO.
Kim Jisoo
She’s the lead vocalist of the global girl group, BLACKPINK, who made her debut as an actress in the romantic K-drama, Snowdrop. She’s also the group’s “visual”; BLINKs call her “Miss Korea” for perfectly meeting the Korean beauty standard.
Kim Namjoon
If you don’t know who this is, we should actually fight you. Popularly known as RM (Rap Monster), Namjoon is the leader and main rapper of BTS.
The other piece of the BLACKPINK Kim duo, Jennie is the main rapper of the global girl group. But like most K-pop idols, her acting career is brewing as she’s set to star in The Weeknd’s drama series, The Idol.
Kim Doyoung
The main vocalist of NCT 127 who sang the OSTs for popular dramas like Soundtrack#1, Tale of Nokdu, Yumi’s Cells and School 2017. He also starred as the lead in To X Who Doesn’t Love Me.
Kim Taehyung
Popularly known as V, Kim Taehyung is a member of BTS. With his unique baritone voice and pretty face, he’s managed to steal all our hearts. He also starred in the popular K-drama, Hwarang.
Kim Mingyu
One of the good K-pop rappers, he’s also a model (best in taking boyfriend pictures) and can cook pretty well. This SEVENTEEN member is multitalented.
Kim Chaewon
She’s the leader of the viral 4th-gen girl group, LE SSERAFIM, but OG K-pop stans know her from her days in IZ*ONE and the talent survival show, Produce 48.
Kim Seungmin
You know him as the lead vocalist of the boy group, Stray Kids, but Stays know he’s secretly the lead rapper. You’ve probably seen him in some of your favourite K-dramas too.
With the naira redesign and ensuing shortage of cash, many are now stuck with old notes. If you’re one of such people looking for what to do with your old notes, we’ve got some ideas for you.
Give El-Rufai
He’s still saying people should keep using the old notes, so just give them all to him. Let him change it for you.
Trade with an akara seller
Food has cost, and times are tough. Old notes are the new old newspapers, so why not try swapping them for some akara? At least, if you can’t buy food with them, you can use them to collect food.
Rag
Harmattan is kuku back so there’s more dust. CBN saw this coming and introduced the naira redesign just so you can use your old notes to dust your clothes and shoes.
When you can’t put on your AC because there’s no fuel, use the old notes to clean your sweat and tears.
Sew cloth
If you can’t afford the ₦25,999 Adedoyin dress those money launderers fashion designers sell on Instagram, use your old naira notes as fabric for new clothes.
Make a wig
Is it in this economy you want to be spending ₦150k on bone straight bob? Better tear your money and get to wigging.
Brown paper is hard to find these days, so use your old naira notes as an alternative.
Keep for your children and grandchildren
Let them rate you as the parent or grandparent who cares about teaching them Nigerian history. You sef, don’t you want to tell someone, “Back in my day”?
Some people might attribute the return of harmattan to global warming. But what do they know? Do they know more than us? We’re here to tell you the REAL reason why harmattan decided to stage a comeback in the middle of February.
Elections are coming
Do you really want to vote in extreme heat? No, you don’t.
You complained
Every two to three business days, there was a Tweet complaining about how hot the country is. Now, your prayers have been answered. Someone shout glory!
The last person to go to hell closed the gate
We’ve been this hot because people always leave the gate open when they get to hell. And the heat from the fiery pit finds its way to Nigeria, their Earthly branch. Now that the last person to go closed the gate, we can enjoy a country that isn’t trying to use heat to kill us.
People were using the heat as an excuse to stop rubbing cream. Mother nature took offense and decided to get involved. Now, if you don’t take care of your skin, you’ll look like a goblin. She’s giving us tough motherly love.
Valentine’s Day is over
Harmattan started after Valentine’s Day because it didn’t want to give people an even bigger excuse to commit sin. In the scorching heat, some people stayed away from all appearances of evil.
Fuel is scarce
You can’t put on your fans and ACs anymore, so harmattan came back to relieve some of the stress. Now, you won’t have a heat stroke during the day.
The sun is tired
The sun has been putting in the work these past couple of weeks. It has burned tirelessly, and now, it needs a break. That’s why it invited harmattan over for some support.
Every generation deserves love, and Gen-Zs are no exception. They may go about it in ways other generations can’t understand, but it works for them. This is how to know for sure that a Gen-Z Nigerian is flirting with you.
Emojis
Since most of the flirting is done over social media, they use a lot of emojis. If it’s not 🥺, it’s 🙈 or 🫣.
Social media marriage
They do a lot of things backwards, so before they send you a DM, they’re letting everyone know y’all are married. One day, they’ll just start calling you my wife/ husband. It is what it is.
Playlists
Once they know they like you, they’ve already made you a playlist. It doesn’t matter what streaming platform you use, they’ll get it done. Also, expect it to ruin your algorithm.
Are they really flirting with you if they don’t send you at least 15 TikToks a day? Once they ask if you have a TikTok account, forget about it.
Calls
They always start by saying they don’t talk much, but they’ll use calls to finish your battery. If they’re not buying airtime, they’re using FaceTime or WhatsApp. Your phone will be hot enough to cook beans, and they’ll still be going.
Violent attraction
Nothing says flirting like Gen-Zs alluding to you killing them. They let you know you’re hot, but not without stating how many ways they want you to use your hotness to end their life.
Biting
When dogs like you, they lick your face. When Gen-Z Nigerians like you, they bite you. Don’t be scared. They’re just trying to absorb your flavour.
You’re in love and in a happy relationship? How does it feel to be God’s favourite? As if you didn’t already have the gift of someone who’ll listen to you talk about how you want to deck your manager, we’ve decided to give you a list of K-dramas you should watch when you remember just how much you love your significant other.
Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha
Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha is one of those cute love stories that has the main characters falling in love in like the first two episodes, so you know it’s real. It’s 16 episodes short, and every time Hye in and Du Sik smile at each other, you can turn it into a game and kiss your partner.
I won’t lie this is a heavy watch, but at least, you won’t have to watch it alone. It’s Okay to Not Be Okay goes deep into what dating with mental illnesses is like and how love doesn’t work without trust and connection. Starring Kim Soo-hyun, Seo Ye-ji and Oh Jung-se, this drama follows the life of an antisocial writer and a psych ward caretaker whose lives intertwine. It’s also 16 episodes too short.
What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim
In this movie, a capable personal assistant decides to quit her job. But instead of her self-centred and childish boss to let her go, he falls in love with her. Add the rich boy trope, a cute backstory of them meeting as kids and some extremely cliche love scenes, and this is a recipe for the perfect movie night with your SO.
Twenty-Five Twenty-One
Love is love, even if it’s from the point of view of teenagers who didn’t even end up together. This series beautifully depicts the life of Baek Yi-jin and Na Hee Do, a fencer and a reporter who fall in love at 18 and 21. It’ll help you reminisce young love and you might cry a lot because of how wholesome both characters are, but it’ll be worth it.
Love in the Moonlight
Personally, I watched this series for Park Bo-gum’s smile, but don’t be like me. It follows a troublemaking prince and his eunuch/political counsellor, who unknown to him, is a woman dressed as a man. Of course, they fell in love, and it’s too cute, so have your tissues on standby.
Business Proposal
At least once in your lifetime, a friend must’ve set you up with a rich romantic interest. No? Well, we can’t all be Meghan Markle. Ha-ri’s friend did it differently though; she used her to trick her prospective groom into ending their engagement, but the man fell in love. Then he turned out to be her CEO of the company. Expect cliche scenes en masse but stay for the humour.
Our Beloved Summer
You can just tell when a woman wrote a romantic drama for women. Our Beloved Summer meets and exceeds all expectations. Sometimes, you love someone, but love is not enough, so you must take a step back and grow as an individual before reconnecting again; Choi Woo-sik and Kim Da-Mi’s characters understood that. They filmed a documentary together in high school, which was how they fell in love, but they had to wait ten years for the love to take off. It’s cute, the characters are adorably awkward, and all the longing might make you faint.
Crash Landing on You
No romantic K-drama list can be complete without this series. It revolves around a South Korean heiress who accidentally lands in North Korea and is rescued by a North Korean soldier. Naturally, they fell in love, then the actors fell in love off-screen, and then, we fell in love with them.
I love the diversity of music genres — from pop to hip-hop to ballads — and K-pop has them all. It’s infectious and tricks my brain into thinking I’m happy.
When anyone asks why you like K-pop, you can give wholesome answers like that, or reply to their intrusive-ass question by being petty. Either way, any true K-pop stan will relate to these responses.
Do you want to like it too?
They should answer quickly because why are they chooking mouth in your business? Or were they expecting you to go into details?
Their hair styles make me want to dye my hair a new colour every week
You too, think about it. Did you consider dyeing your hair until you fell in love with K-pop? Exactly.
It’s an excuse to spend all my money on merch
Who doesn’t love being broke because of the musicians they love? K-pop stans love it when their faves can’t come to their country to perform, so we happily compensate by spending all our money on photo cards and albums. It doesn’t get better than that.
I enjoy singing in a language I don’t understand
We all love showcasing our limited understanding of the Korean language, that’s why we love K-pop. We’re even learning it even though we can’t speak our actual dialect. It’s also a great way to pretend like the only words we know in hangul aren’t “hello” and “thank you”.
I love living my band dreams through K-pop groups
As kids, we thought we’d be musicians and even wrote many crappy songs. But reality set in, so we now spend all our time digesting information about super successful K-pop bands to relive our dreams.
K-pop choreos make me work out by force
If you’re feeling generous, teach them a choreography or ten from your favourite K-pop music videos. After they’ve passed out twice, they’d never ask anyone why they like K-pop again.
I love singing about heartbreak in the most psychotic upbeat manner
Proceed to sing the most insane K-pop breakup song with a smile on your face, while doing the choreography for added effect. Bonus point if you translate it into English for them.
Coordinated outfits make everything better
Long before the age-old argument of “If you’re going out on a date, should you coordinate or match our outfit” had an answer, being a K-pop fan and watching them perform in coordinated outfits answered the question. Not everyone can say their music tastes keep them on top of trending conversations.
Since she gained popularity in 2019 with her song, Try Me, Tems has been unstoppable. We’ve deduced that not only is she talented and hardworking, but her soap is also STRONG. So if you want to be unstoppable like Tems, here’s how you can collect her soap.
Disguise as her soap case
Witchcraft has come a long way. Once upon a time, you could only poison people. Now, you can be anything you want. So join a coven, perfect the tricks of the craft, disguise yourself as Tems’ soap case and just swallow the soap.
Appear to her in a dream
Sync your sleep with Tems’, so you can move from your dream to hers. When you get there, tell her how you’ve come from many dreams ago just to tell her to give you her soap.
Tell her you had a dream
If you can’t enter her own dream, you can have yours. Tell her something revealed to you that she has to give you the soap she’s using or else crazy things will truly start happening.
It’s not like you have Temilade money, but you can try.
Trade by barter
Offer her fuel and new naira notes. If she doesn’t collect, you can give us. We’ll help you beg her.
Beg
Humble yourself and calmly ask for the soap. The highest she can say is no. Well, actually, the highest she can get you arrested, but prison can be a positive thing.
Since Tems might not give you directly, maybe you can go through her friend, Beyoncé. How you’ll do that one is really not our problem, but good luck.
Carry signboard the next time she’s performing
Pay for a front-row ticket to her next performance, and carry a signboard asking for the soap. She just might give you because she’s in high-performing spirits.
Become her pet
Your village people who turn into cats have been preparing you for this moment. The moment you transform into her favourite animal, just stay in front of her house. Trust us.
From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths.
Apartment complexes
Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good.
Selling akara
Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.
Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money.
Fashion houses
With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.
Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out.
Community centres
We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres?
Restaurants
Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers.
Internet service providers
Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out.
Some anime characters do things that make me wonder if everything is okay upstairs. Here are questions I’d ask seven of them, if they were real people.
Zenitsu – Demon Slayer
Question: What’s the colour of your problem?
Because imagine passing out and sleep-fighting during every fight in real life? The time he’d take to wake up is when they’d beat his ass. If you know him, tell him to answer my question.
Question: When can we form an “I love women” club?
I started (and failed to finish) rewatching the old Pokemon series with Ash and the gang, and so far, Brock is my favourite character because I, too, think women are queens. This guy is the original simp. He’d ditch his crew for a babe if she blinked at him. I get it sha; women should be worshipped.
Denji – Chainsaw Man
Normal anime main characters are motivated to succeed so they can prove a point to their haters. Denji just wants to know the touch of a woman before he dies.
My question is simple: Sir, have you considered being motivated by money? Money cures depression. I know because I’m happy as hell when I’m not broke.
Yumeko Jabami – Kakegurui
Question: Aunty, please, is everything okay at home?
Do your parents know all you do is gamble your life away in the school they pay money for you to attend? From the first time I saw Yumeko on screen, I knew this unhinged gambler would give me a headache. I wish I was wrong.
Yuji Itadori – Jujutsu Kaisen
Question: Did you maybe consider not eating the fingers of a demon? At any point, sir, did you take a step back or even try to poop or vomit the thing? I know it was for the plot o, but I’m just asking.
What was going through Yuji’s mind when he swallowed Sukuna’s fingers? He probably wanted to save Megumi’s life, but he’d only met him seconds before then. God, abeg for real.
Dustiness Ford – KonoSuba
Lalatina Ford Dustiness, BKA Darkness, is a masochistic crusader. This is important information because ever since I saw her in Konosuba, I just wanted to ask: “Why?”
This babe commits many failed “heroic” acts, not for the plot but because of her masochistic tendencies. She also lets the main character, Kazuma, verbally insult her because it “feels good”.
Every freaking character in Komi can’t Communicate
Question: Why are all of you like this?
To every single character except Komi, I pose these questions: Who are your parents? How did they raise some of the most “down bad” characters I’ve seen all in one anime? Why don’t you all have self-respect? Was it a prerequisite to get into the school?
Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice.
Babalawo’s shrine
The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network.
Someone’s village
People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force.
One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy.
Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges
Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured.
Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell. When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth.
Any 60th birthday party
If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance.
Twitter
People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money.
There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything.
Make her the chief bridesmaid
She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you.
You had a dream
Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding.
You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course.
Her marriage inspired you
Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great.
If she’s not married, marry her
The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century.
She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning.
Remind her that her reputation is at stake
People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society.
Work overtime
Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder.
As an adult, why are you still using a spoon to eat rice? When you’re not a three-year-old being forced to finish your food before the school bus comes.
Here are 7 valid reasons why you should grow up and switch to a fork today.
To show you’re not greedy
I mean, why are you using a spoon to eat if you’re not a thief? For the same work rate, you might as well use a shovel.
Forks will never disrespect your ancestors the way spoons do. The prongs were designed to let some food fall down for the gods. If your life is not doing okay, it’s because you use a spoon and your ancestors feel neglected.
To show you respect the food
Only people who don’t respect food would eat it fast. Good food should be approximated and chewed slowly to show you love how good it tastes, and you’re willing to be patient.
Because you’re an adult
For God’s sake, why would you rush your food like that? Ever seen a teenage boy heap food with a spoon? Yeah, that’s what you look like.
So the forks don’t get lonely
It’s just human decency to use the fork as much as you use your spoon. You don’t want them feeling left out and disappearing just because. Just be kind, abeg.
To chook anyone who tries to beg for food
Can you protect yourself with a spoon? No, but you can always use a fork to scare off those who don’t let others eat in peace.
It’ll never betray you when you wash it
One thing a fork will never do is spray water all over your body when you try to wash it. Do with that information what you must.
The question on everyone’s mind when they’re getting their pictures taken is, “What should I do with my hands?” Never fear, best in photography and posing activities, Zikoko, is here to save the day.
Put your hands on your head
This way, your hands aren’t only occupied, but you’ll look like what you’re going through. Let everyone see the picture and know the case is critical and you need help.
Make the sign of the cross
You have to protect yourself from all your village people. Who knows which evil spirit or eyes are looking at your picture? The sign will ward off the bad energy.
Do as if you’re praying
Put your hands together in front of you. It’s so God doesn’t harshly judge the souls of those who’ll commit sin in their hearts once they see your pictures.
Put your hands on your waist
Remember when we used to put our hands on our waist to take pictures as children? Well, maybe it’s time we brought it back. You’ll reconnect with your inner child and keep your hands busy.
Pull your ears
Not only does this prove you’re invested in finally hearing word, but it gives your face a unique structure.
Channel your inner Nollywood bad gyal and bite your finger. If it doesn’t feel good enough, bite the whole hand. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life.
Plug your ears
You won’t hear anything the haters say about your drip.
Leave them by your side
Instead of thinking of which poses will work well with your outfit, lighting and angles, just leave the hands by your side. It’s a little serious, but it’ll never go out of style.
Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead.
The beach
Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for.
Bukka
The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven.
When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire.
Forest
If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert.
K-pop has been in our faces for a long time, so it’s impossible to say you’ve not heard any K-pop songs. Whether you listened on purpose or not, it’s the perfect earworm that finds a way to you, especially if you’re a big movie watcher, gamer, or you’re just chronically online.
You might not be a stan yet, but if you can identify all 11 songs in this article, my brother in Christ, you’re one deliberate listen away from being a K-pop fan.
Fantastic Baby – BIGBANG
This song appeared on Glee and in the Pitch Perfect 2 trailer. If you watched both, there’s no way “Wow. Fantastic baby” wasn’t stuck in your head for days. Give it a proper listen.
Remember that scene in Justice League, where Batman is just sitting in the Flash’s liar like he paid the rent? I’ve always found it funny that BLACKPINK’s As if It’s Your Last was playing on a desktop monitor in the background. Yeah, that’s why you know that chorus.
Kill This Love – BLACKPINK
Every other day, someone on the internet remembers how cute the To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved movies were. I always fight the urge to tell them that BLACKPINK was all over the OST. This is probably the most popular one, and it’s from the scene where Lara Jean tries to be a supportive girlfriend. It’s her GRWM montage.
Hangover by PSY ft Snoop Dogg
You probably heard this song in the first Black Panther movie and bop-ed to it even though you couldn’t sing along. Come on, give it a second listen. Watch your brain remember how it felt to listen to it the first time. If you don’t remember it, ask us for your data money back.
I Am The Best – 2NE1
For fans of dance movies where the mean character does these super complicated routines, you probably heard 2NE1’s I Am The Best in Work It. Or you were to busy staring at Keiynan Lonsdale to hear it.
ZimZalabim and Russian Roulette – Red Velvet
Where are all my adults who watch kid’s cartoons? If you saw Trolls 2, you’d remember the scene where the main trolls kept meeting other trolls with different music tastes. ZimZalabimand Russian Roulette probably got stuck in your head for days afterwards.
https://youtu.be/9h8ZL3xRHsQ
Friends – BTS
Was this a super short music cameo? Yes, but how can you say you didn’t notice Friends playing in the background? Chelsea, come on now. It’s BTS.
Dynamite – BTS
We can pretend you know half the lyrics of this song from Clifford The Big Red Dog, but we both know you don’t even know where you heard it the first time. It’s okay. You like K-pop, and nobody will beat you for that.
How You Like That – BLACKPINK
I’m actually convinced that when two or three people are gathered, one person knows how to sing How You Like That. My source? “I no go lie give you”. I probably heard it first on Hotel Transylvania, and TikTok didn’t help either.
Euphoria – BTS
Remember that cute scene on Euphoria, where Kat and Ethan finally admit to liking each other, and the background turns purple, and Euphoria by BTS plays loudly in the background? You didn’t miss it. In fact, fill in the blank: “You are the cause of my…” Exactly. You know the song.
Lucifer – SHINee
Where are the fans of the Lucifer series? Season three, episode 13, starts with Lucifer fighting a Korean drug dealing group to the same-title song by SHINee.
Bonus if you use TikTok
You know at least six of these catchy songs: Zoo – NCT x Aespa, DDU-DU DDU-DU – BLACKPINK, Money – Lisa, The Feels – TWICE, Butter – BTS, Christmas EveL – Stray Kids, Loco – Itzy, Love Shot – EXO, ASAP– StayCand Attention – NewJeans.
Nobody will judge you for even knowing the choreography thanks to TikTok. Of course, you fell victim to good music. Now, go and listen on purpose this time.
With the housing crisis, recession, and the need for freedom, more and more people are sharing accommodation. It’s cheaper, you can leave your parent’s house, and many more great reasons. However, the problem is, who do you move in with? Well, due to careful analysis and a consultation with the team at Zikoko Statistics, we’ve narrowed down the best option, which is your ex.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer
Monitoring their moves and behaviour never got easy. Plus, if you’re the toxic one in the relationship and you’re scared they might want to retaliate and do something absolutely batshit, you have a chance to keep a really close eye on them.
Inspires you to do better with your life
You can’t let your ex think you’re doing terribly without them. You can rub your success in their face, so take it. Go to the gym, maintain a healthy social life and cosplay as a mentally stable adult. Plus, do you know how embarrassing it’ll be for you if your ex comes to tell you that you’re late for rent payment? If that’s not enough motivation to work hard, we don’t know what is.
Easy access to their DNA in case you’ve not healed enough
As much as we want to pretend we’ve healed enough from the terrible relationship, sometimes only revenge can help you move on. If you and your ex live together, you can access their hair, saliva, blood, skin, etc. Enough that you can take it to your herbalist and place a heavy curse on them.
It’s giving enemies to lovers
We said we’re going to romanticise our lives this year, so why not start by doing something that looks like it came from the pages of your favourite young adult novel?
People have lived with romantic partners, best friends, family members, etc and they’re always complaining about how badly it turned out. Do something out of the box. Who knows, this might be the one that works out.
For the plot
It might not be good for you mentally, but it’ll be good for the plot and sometimes we should just do things because it’ll be good for the plot called life.
You get to sabotage their future relationships
How many people will feel comfortable dating someone that’s living with their ex? Exactly! If they stressed you out, you must stress them out.
If your mental health is not as strong as you wish, there are people in certain professions you should avoid entering relationships with. They’ll stress you, increase your blood pressure, and you’ll end up in a psychiatric hospital.
Since we care about your mental health, here’s a list of such people so you can avoid them.
Actors
If your mental health do usually have comma and the occasional full stop, don’t bother with an actor. Why? Overthinking will nearly kill you. You want to date someone who can cry on demand? LMAO. If you think you can handle it, your brain will show you something.
Zikoko writers
Writers are bad enough, but dating a Zikoko writer? You clearly don’t enjoy life or want peace. Not only is everything content for them, but they never have your time. They’re too busy resting from the havoc they’ve caused or plotting to constitute a nuisance. If you’re still doubting, ask yourself, “How many Zikoko writers are in long-term committed relationships?” Exactly.
They’re like actors, but somehow worse. They’d be talking politely to a customer on the phone and have the most ridiculous facial reactions. How are you sure that’s not how they act when you call them? They’re pros at making their voice neutral even when they want to kill you. It’s too much, abeg.
Personal trainer
They’ll be a bit too concerned with their own body. You’ll be dating someone who thinks a good date idea is jogging along the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s enough to make you more unstable than you already are.
Capitalist propagators don’t care about their own selves, and you think you’re worth it to them? You’ll tell them you’re having a mental breakdown; they’ll say it’s because you don’t wake up at 5 a.m. to seize the day. Better choose yourself.
Instagram vendors
Have all the “what you ordered vs what you got” trends on social media taught you nothing? If not, let us help you. Instagram vendors will promise you one thing and give you something else. You’re too unstable to be dealing with people who’ll only breadcrumb and love-bomb you.
Delivery people
They’ll give you high blood pressure with constant calls to ask you unnecessary questions. Plus, even though their jobs require them to, they never actually know how to get anywhere. Is that someone you want to lead a relationship?
HR
You’ll think because their job revolves around people, they’ll know how to actually treat a partner well. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. They’re like military dictators, and you can never rest when they’re around. Do you think they grant mental health days to their coworkers? The answer is no.
Tailor
Their entire job revolves around making false promises. It’s their MO. Why will you date a tailor when you don’t have the mental fortitude for such behaviour? Plus, they’re always dodging customers. Can your anxiety handle that?
Politician
As if your life is not hard enough, you want to be with someone who receives curses on a daily basis? Mental health that you’re managing, someone will use swear to reverse. Abeg.
As an adult, if you don’t have food sensory issues, you should be exposing your palate to new food experiences. Why? Why not? You already play it safe in your relationship and your job, so why not try these very Nigerian smoothies I think would slap.
Agbalumo smoothie
Imagine taking the first sip of that sweet and sour blend of flavours. It might take a lot of agbalumo to make this smoothie, but it definitely slaps. Trust me.
Some of you already drink garri with milk and sugar. So if you’re feeling adventurous, simply top it up with fruits like strawberries or pineapples and other unnecessary things. You might as well blend it and carry it in a bottle to work. But if you fall asleep there, you’re on your own.
Corn smoothie
What is a corn smoothie if not ogi persevering? If you can find joy in drinking ogi as an adult, this should work too. Buy the brown ogi, add your milk or yoghurt and top it with sprinkles. Perfection!
Bitter-leaf smoothie
If you can drink blended kale and all the other green atrocities, you can drink this. Add a bit of malt soda, milk and sugar, and your Nigerian mum would be proud of you for once.
Groundnut smoothie
Peanuts and groundnut are basically the same thing. If the former can taste great, then groundnut smoothie should slap to the highest heavens. You can even do a garri and groundnut smoothie, or a corn and groundnut smoothie. Nah, y’all need to pay me for these recommendations.
Jollof rice smoothie
It’s already your favourite food, so it might as well become your favourite smoothie too. Think of it as jollof on the go. If nasty things, like letting people spit in your mouth, don’t bother you then eating blended rice should be fine.
Every soup in the fridge smoothie
Here me out, instead of throwing away all those small plates of soups in your fridge, why not turn them into one big cup of juice? You’re being less wasteful and eating healthy. What could go wrong?
Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.
Town crier
Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity.
Philosopher
All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions.
Alchemist
Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver?
Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf?
Food tasters
With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat.
Knocker-upper
Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again.
Bell-ringer
Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.
The part of me that loved and was stressed out by 2022 K-dramas keeps fighting for dominance. But really, why did they do all that to me? If they weren’t telling me a fencer can’t get together with a reporter, they were stressing my favourite main character with the evilest antagonist ever. Here are seven things I don’t want to see in K-drama this year.
Stretching into two seasons
I beg all the pardons of all the God’s they believe in but K-dramas should be wrapped up in one season. I can’t deal with any more cliffhangers in this life. Not every drama needs a second season, for goodness’ sake. Just give all of them happy endings.
I don’t want to cry too much, please. Why am I crying real heartbreak tears for a drama? Last year, Korean drama writers gave us back-to-back tears, and no, please, it have do. Any drama that’ll end in tears, let the cup pass over all of us.
Rushed endings
They made dramas with two seasons, I took it. The drama made me cry, I took it. After doing all that, the ending will now still be rushed? That one, I won’t take. If I see any more K-dramas with the climax in the final episode, I’ll riot.
Wicked-ass antagonist
We really suffered with these antagonists last year. Good God. From Jin Mu to Won Sang-ah, just back-to-back wickedness with no character development. Please, it have do.
Plot holes
I won’t mention names, but again, why does your show have two seasons that just keep widening the plot holes? Allow me to recommend shows to people with my chest.
Too much slice-of-life
Please, we’ve had too many slices. I didn’t even know slice-of-life movies could make you cry until I started watching K-drama. Give me more action and romance where they actually end up together. Don’t slice any more lives.
Second lead syndrome on steroids
Usually, we’d feel bad for these guys;, sometimes, we’d even hate them. But the brand of second lead characters in 2022 K-drama made me sympathetic to their plight. None of them had happy endings, just yearning and sadness. There’s wickedness, and there’s that. Let it end in 2022.
Being a delusional girl is choosing to ignore facts and remain in a reality you choose. When you enter your delusional era, you believe your wildest dreams are not only possible but normal. You should try it today, and here’s why.
Men do it, so why not?
Men are constantly told they have “audacity”, and that’s what allows them to apply for jobs they’re not qualified for and demand attention from women they don’t know. Why can’t we do the same?
Reality is hard
You’re a woman living on Earth, so odds are stacked against you. If you’re now poor or queer, it’s finished. Why then do you want to be stuck in this reality that contantly tries to frustrate you? Be delusional; escape into the part in your head where everything works for your good.
Sometimes, alter your reality for shits and giggles. If you say you’re a princess, who’s going to check you?
What has being realistic done for you?
In all the years you’ve been realistic, what have you achieved? What has the realism actually done? Try a new approach to life and watch everything change.
When you were younger, you had a wider imagination and actually believed in the impossible. Entering your delusional girl era connects you to that part of yourself. It’ll heal your inner child.
Extra motivation
If you’re convinced the universe exists simply to cater to your every need, and that everything works together for you, you’d be gingered to do the impossible. Why? Because the universe won’t let you down.
Improve your mental health
If you’re too busy altering your own reality, what time will you have to be depressed and anxious? The answer is none.
Soft launching a partner on social media is letting people know you’re not single like the rest of them, without explicitly revealing who you’re with. You give the people just enough but not too much.
Soft launches are great for many reasons, but most importantly because it prevents your village people from doing the most in your relationship. It’ll prevent them from interfering in the following ways.
Knowing who you’re with
Sometimes, you really don’t want people to know who you’re currently in a relationship with. If they do, they start acting weird and moving different to the person.
They can’t cast you if you cheat
With a soft launch, you can post multiple people at the same time and people will think it’s all the same person. When your other partner asks about the image, you can say it’s a friend or you don’t know the person.
The people invested in your life and romance will be exposed. How? They’ll start asking questions and trying to piece together what did not break. Now, you know the people monitoring your every move.
Denial
A soft launch is like a trial period. If the person decides to fuck up during that time, you don’t have to try too hard to delete the cute pictures you have on your social media. Also, cropping them out will be easier because there’s barely any part of them in the image.
Finding the love of your life
With a soft launch, the actual love of your life knows it’s not so serious that they no longer have a chance with you. They’ll just have a heads up that someone might snatch you from them. This prompts them to act fast to give you your fairytale love. Don’t let the person you’re with stop you from finding your happily ever after.
After 25 years of adventure, Ash and Pikachu’s Pokemon storyline will end this year. It’s sad, but they’ve had over 1200 episodes of fun and battles defeated by the power of friendship, so they’ve tried.
Now that they no longer have work, here are some things they can do to fill the void.
Grow old
Now that he has time on his hands, he can consider looking like the 35-year-old man he’s supposed to be. I don’t know how Japan is o, but if he had a Nigerian mum, he’d have to drink anointing oil daily and go for deliverance.
I too, would go on a quest to avoid my family members, but this man child, who remains eternally ten might’ve taken it too far. Does he occasionally see his mom and absent father? Yes, but now that he’s jobless, he can spend even more time helping out at her restaurant and paying tax like the rest of us.
Start a business
I mean, he’s already the best pokemon trainer. If he starts a gym, people will pay to be taught. He too dey vex, so I don’t know about him being a good teacher, but it’s better than loafing around.
Get into tech
Will catching pokemon put food on his table? No. Tech is in, and pokemon is out. All he needs to do is buy a MacBook, catch a python, invest in turtlenecks and start talking about seed funding for something. Boom, a million billion in his account.
Rest
Even God rested on the seventh day. If he’s not fighting team rocket, he’s training one difficult pokemon or preparing for a battle — all for free. It’s okay, abeg. He should rest.
Become a travel blogger
He already has 25 years of experience travelling around. I’d watch his “get ready with me”, “what I eat in a day”, and “outfit check” videos any day. This job would fit him well.
Realise the world is cold and dark, and friendship isn’t everything
Optimism is out; pessimism is in. In real life, you can’t even defeat a bad-mouthed three-year-old with the power of love and friendship, not to talk of real-life challenges like stretching your January salary. He would understand sha. All the very many times he lost a fight prepared him for this moment.
Siblings have their designated roles and behaviours in every family. From the black sheep to the golden child, we’ve seen it all. So what if the days of the week were all siblings in a large family? This is definitely how it’ll go down.
Monday
The first-born child who’s loved by both parents but absolutely hated by the younger siblings. They probably got two degrees, married early and are rich now. The other siblings don’t see all the sacrifice Monday makes and the ridiculous pressure they’re under. They just see them as a know-it-all.
Tuesday
The immediate younger siblings of Monday who can never match up no matter how hard they try. Tuesday busts its ass off but can never really be considered “That girl”. They’re sick and tired of always being second place. Monday wishes they could repair their relationship with Tuesday, but it’ll never happen. Tuesday needs therapy.
Wednesday
Wednesday was born when parents realised they’d fucked up with Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday then proceeds to be even more messed up than the other two, a constant reminder that parents might never get it right.
The neglected child. Nobody really remembers them or what they have to offer. They don’t have distinguishing qualities. They’re just trying to get through life. Thursday is tired but content.
Friday
The “I can do it all” sibling. Tries to have a great work-life balance, neglecting the other siblings. They don’t make much time for family activities and have chosen to make their friends the found family.
Original black sheep of the family. Anything that concerns their other siblings? Out. They’re closer to Friday and Sunday, though, because Friday understands how annoying family is, and Sunday thinks they’re cool. Saturday just enjoys expressing themself.
Sunday
The unplanned child and last-born teenager with severe mental health issues. All Sunday has is sadness, grief and angst. Since most of the siblings are grown up and juggling jobs and life, Sunday is left to its devices, and just wants to be more like Saturday.
The streets have done nothing for you since you’ve been on it, so it might be time to embrace the life of a hopeless romantic so you can finally say that you’ve covered all the bases. Since it’s something you’re not used to, we’re here with a guide on just what you need to do to prepare for it.
Keep your sense in a jar
To be a true hopeless romantic, you have to stop using your sense. Turn it into a money-making scheme and rent your sense out to people who need it.
Embrace delusion
Hopeless romantics don’t deal with reality. You need to romanticise every area of your life. The way you eat bread? Important in helping you find love. The brand of tea you drink? Might be what leads you to your soulmate. Reject reality, and embrace delusion.
You need something to model your romantic self after. Receive inspiration from some of the OGs like Tony Umez or Emeka Ike or you can learn lessons from failed relationships. A great place to start is Zikoko’s Love Life, but you didn’t hear that from us.
Glasses to see shege
Being a hopeless romantic now that the streets are full of rubbish is hard. Your eyes will see proper shege, so better get glasses and clean them well.
You might have to take the whole wearing your heart on your sleeve thing literally.
Copy your favourite romantic comedy
We’re not just asking you to learn from these fictional relationships, but to also pattern your entire life after them. Try getting a house in the middle of nowhere, so one day, someone’s car will spoil close to your house. You offer them a place to stay, and gbam! Marriage.
Don’t do anything to actually pursue love
All the most successful hopeless romantics wait for love to find them. Don’t stress yourself with trying to look for it.
If you’re like me, you like to escape into books that tell stories of the reality you want. But reading can be a lot when there’s not enough representation (and capitalism has taken over our lives). To help the situation a bit, here are some short, fast queer reads that’ll spark joy and revive your reading habits.
On A Sunbeam by Walden Tillie
This is for fans of movies like Star Wars. On A Sunbeam is set in space and follows Mia on a journey of self-discovery while on her first job. She consistently reminisces over her last few years in school with her first love and finding friends with her new teammates. The best part of this book is it’s set in a world where only queer women and non-binary people exist.
Mooncakes is one of the cutest recommendations in this article. Who doesn’t love a good story about a witch and her werewolf lover? Exactly. Nova and Tam are forced into each other’s life after years apart, and what was just a friendship blossomed into something sweeter. Except now, they have this big bad to defeat. How much cuter can it get?
The Girl from the Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag
There’s falling in love with a mermaid, and there’s falling in love with a Selkie — a seal that turns human on special occasions. Morgan has the pleasure of falling in love with one over the summer, and it’s so heartbreakingly cute.
Taproot by Keezy Young
For fans of ghost stories, Taproot is the perfect blend of romance with a sprinkle of ghoul. The only thing stopping Blue from being with his true love, Hamal, is that he’s dead. This book is proof love transcends death. Blue is a ghost who’s been in love with Hamal for the longest time, and conveniently, Hamal can see ghosts. Except, with powers like that come great enemies.
Wynd by James Tynion IV and Michael Dialynas
Another sweet book for men who love men. Wynd is a simple and quiet soul, he works at a local tarven aand finds time to gaze at his love Intrest the castle’s ground keepers soon. All would have been okay except Wynd is a magical folk and they are outlawed in Pipetown and trust that that revelation leads him to an interesting adventure.
The Magic Fish by Trung Le Nguyen
While, as queer Nigerians, we can’t understand the reality of American immigrants, we do understand having parents who are so set in their ways coming out would feel like a betrayal. Tien enjoys reading with his parents even though they struggle with the new language. His love for books helps him assimilate the language faster until he can no longer communicate with his parents. It’s a delicate story of a boy finding the confidence to come out to his parents, and such a powerful read.
Bloom by Kevin Panetta and Savanna Ganucheau
This queer graphic novel is every 20-something’s reality — trying to move out and find yourself, full of big dreams, but your parents have other plans. It’s Ari’s reality too. His parents hope he’ll stay in town and help with the bakery, but Ari wants to move out to become a famous musician. He starts finding a replacement baker to work at his parents bakery, Hector, but then sparks begin to fly.
Heavy Vinyl by Carly Usdin and Nina Vakueva
Volume 1: Riot On The Radio focuses on Chris and her job at a record store she thinks her co-workers hate her. That’s until she discovers they’re an undercover all-female fight club. For all the music-loving queers, this is a great short read full of badass fight scenes and music recommendations.
Since Nigerian women have decided to wear wigs during sex, we’ve devised a list of creative ways to take advantage it. Seeing as they didn’t realise they were coming for serious business, we’d make the most of the situation.
Rotate it around your head
According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, people rotate things over their heads to show excitement. You can spin your wig around to show your enthusiasm for the activity.
Put it on your partner’s head
If you look pretty with a wig on, then people wear wigs to look pretty? So if two plus two is four and five plus five is ten, then that means your partner will look pretty with a wig on?
It can serve as a whip, gag or blindfold. The sky is your beginning with this one.
Turn it to a pillow
Your wig can serve as support for the head, leg, any part of the body you wish to elevate.
Roleplay with it
Spread the wig on the bed while you get down, and pretend you’re on grass. Depending on the quality, the hair strands may even look like scratch marks.
A new season of “The L Word” is out, Bette and Tina are getting back together, and suddenly, you have the grand idea to text your ex from 2019. If you don’t put down that phone and sleep! Instead of making the mistake of a lifetime, here are fun things you can do. A new season of “The L Word” is out, Bette and Tina are getting back together, and suddenly, you have the grand idea to text your ex from 2019. If you don’t put down that phone and sleep! Instead of making the mistake of a lifetime, here are fun things you can do.
Clear out your contact list
No, you’ll never talk to that one ex who’s technically not even your ex, and those group chats are one too many. Also, end that situationship before 2023, abeg, your inner child is tired of crying.
Call your friend
It’s been three months since y’all hung out, and no, I’m not talking about those random times you saw each other at a party. Call them and just chill on the phone. That’s a better way to spend your time.
Learn how to code
Instead of getting into another codependent relationship, learn to code. Not only are you upskilling, but you’re also healing. Wow, someone put that on a t-shirt.
Exercise
You’ve been meaning to anyway. Anytime you consider texting her, do 100 push-ups. When your fingers almost break, you’ll have sense. You’re not Bette and Tina; your relationship was even more problematic.
Organise your clothes
Maybe you’ll be able to face the shame of the insane amount of your clothes still in your exes’ wardrobe. That’ll definitely give you sense. Are you ready to purchase a new wardrobe? No? Exactly.
Rewatch “The L Word” from the beginning
Think of it as a Christmas gift to yourself. Remind yourself that your ex sucks, and you guys deserve to remain exes forever. Also, simp over Shane.
Calculate how much you spend on love
Maybe you’ll finally come to your senses. Only you, six failed relationships, six different promise rings and almost proposals this year alone. Is your bank account not tired? Rest, abeg.
First, we saw a charcuterie board, and it was fine; cheese, crackers and fruits — it ate. Then TikTok people started making sushi boards, butter boards, etc, and it made me wonder, what if we had Nigerian food boards? Which one would bang? Well, I have thoughts.
Abacha board
I mean, come on, this is greatness waiting to happen. Each side of the board would have different toppings — ugba, garden eggs, fish and ponmo. Every bite would be a burst of flavours. This needs to happen yesterday, for my sanity.
Imagine if you went to a restaurant to try some random soup, and a swallow board accompanied it. Sometimes, you’d want the softness of wheat after eating pounded yam, or eba after a couple of spoons of amala. A little bit of everything at your fingertips, god, abeg.
Plantain board
Do I even need to talk too much? As someone who recently saw the light in plantain, I say this should already exist. From good old fried plantain — it must be soft by the way — to plantain chips, unripe porridge, gizdodo, plantain and beans, the possibilities are endlessly sweet.
Assorted meat board
If you close your eyes, you can almost taste the beef and chicken suya, asun and Isi Ewu. Let your imagination run wild, and just sprinkle yaji pepper on top. I’d willingly break the bank for this instead of overpriced breakfast platters.
Puff-puff board
With chocolate-drizzled puff-puff and puff-puff sprinkled with pepper, every angle of the board would be a treat. We could experiment with puff-puff and stew. Puff-puff is bread that studied abroad, after all.
Old-school snacks board
Imagine pako and okin biscuits, baba dudu and co, all on one platter. All our childhood causes of toothache in one place sounds like bliss to me.
Rice board
This board takes “There’s rice at home” to another level. One thing Nigerians are great at is making several different types of rice. Our Jollof slaps, vegetable rice is heavenly, and there’s even concoction rice for when sapa has you in a chokehold. Just imagine them spread out on a board.
Now that Elon Musk has taken over Twitter and fired almost everyone (and their mums) who works there, people suspect the app itself will soon pack up and bounce. Just in case that happens, we’re proposing a few alternatives so we all can stay in touch.
Town hall meetings
Since sharing our thoughts is what Twitter is about, let’s do it the traditional way. Every local government should have regular town hall meetings. This way, if there’s a fight, it can come the fuck on in real time. None of that subbing rubbish.
Witch coven
Witches are way ahead of their time. If you and your followers all join the same witch coven, you could talk to each other telepathically and gain access to things like teleportation. Join a coven today!
Dreams
It’s 2022, and as such, the perfect time for interconnected dreaming. Someone would have to invent a way for us to move in and out of each other’s dreams. That way, we can have a version of Twitter that’ll be unlocked once you dream.
LinkedIn
People have already started bringing foolish questions to LinkedIin, so let’s just go all in.
Town crier
If it worked for our ancestors, it sure as hell would work for us. Plus, young people can put “town crier” down as a career they’ll like to have. Whenever you want to “tweet”, you get a town crier to broadcast it for you for a small fee.
Pigeon
Twitter is a bird; pigeon is also a bird. Someone should start a service to provide every subscriber with their own pigeon. Whenever you want to broadcast your thoughts to your “followers”, you send your pigeon to their houses. Nobody would say they didn’t see it on their TL.
Talk to your friends
This is the last resort for if Twitter goes down. We’d actually have to keep quiet and only reveal our thoughts to people we trust and care about. This promotes shame, and honestly, after all we’ve seen on that app, we might need to bring a little shame back.
We’re already in November and your enemies are mocking you because you’ve not found a romantic partner yet. However, it’s never too late to find love. Let’s help you to help yourself.
Someone’s marital home
The love of your life can be another person’s partner. Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding them.
INEC office
Whenever you go to collect your voter’s card, keep your eyes open because the love of your life could be there. At least, if you find love in INEC office, you know the person is a responsible citizen who cares about Nigeria.
The nation’s capital
If Abuja can boast of having a travel influencer President, then why not the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? Exactly.
Traffic
You already spend all your time in it. Might as well find love there. You can distribute flyers or carry a megaphone around to announce your singlehood. Any one works.
No one knows exactly what they sell in all these big markets. So who says you can’t buy someone who’ll love you forever?
Linkedin
Not every time startup announcement. Sometimes, announce that you’re searching for someone to wear matching pyjamas with.
Z! Fest 2022
Hundreds of young, beautiful Nigerians all in one place? If you don’t find love, love will find you. Since it’s November 26th, you have one month to do talking stage —more than enough time to start dating by Christmas.
Nobody is saying you have a problem oh, but remember a year or 10 ago when you just “kind of” liked K-pop? Now, all you have is a terrible sleep schedule because you’re up late watching variety shows to spark joy in your life. And if you just started listening to K-pop, you’re well on your way to exhibiting these traits.
You and YouTube are besties
You spend too much time watching variety shows, music videos, behind-the-scenes interviews and live performances. No one is saying that’s bad, but check how long you spend on this app. At this point, your catchphrase should be “just one more episode”, liar isonu.
Weverse, VLIVE and all their family members, because the air you breathe — as it should be — is K-pop, and you must consume it everywhere.
Your fashion style isn’t for our weather
Your Google history is full of searches like “Korean street style”. Your parents don’t even complain anymore. How many times a day do you lie to yourself that you too could be fashion-forward if you had Jennie or Lisa’s wardrobe?
You don’t own your gallery anymore
Because it now belongs to your idols. It started as an innocent thing, saving one picture here or there, but now, you can’t find photos of your friends to post during their birthdays. To be fair, they too, should go and become K-pop idols if they want your attention.
You use K-pop lingo
You mention things like maknae, aegyo and bias in regular conversations like everyone understands what you mean. Bonus points if you sprinkle Korean phrases like kamsahamnida,saranghae and arasoand expect people to act like their brains have subtitles.
You’ve watched videos without subtitles
If you’ve gotten to this point, just admit your fate. If you’ve ever found yourself watching a K-pop video for four hours and smiling until you realise you don’t even understand a word of what they’re saying, pele, welcome to the club. We’re broke because we spend all our money on data and merch in this club.
Your social media looks like a fan account
As it should be when you’re supporting greatness, to be honest, but what happens when half of your followers now have you muted? They’ll see someone complaining about how plantain is more than ₦1500, next thing a K-pop artist is dancing the most complicated choreography ever created.
Before Nigeria even existed, a prophecy foretold that the women of this nation wouldn’t know how to flirt. Unfortunately, it came to pass, and Nigerian women started doing some ridiculous things they call flirting. We need to have a discussion so Nigerian women can answer for their crimes.
Staring is not it
If you like, stare at them for three business days, it won’t make them know you like them. If anything, you come off as a weird person, and they’d want nothing to do with you. Try striking up a conversation. You won’t die. Don’t be looking at them like you’re trying to see into their future.
No, they can’t read your mind
You can’t expect them to know you find them attractive. Humans aren’t born with the ability to read minds. If you can’t open your mouth and them they look beautiful, rest.
Calling them “big head” isn’t enough
When flirting with someone, calling them names is juvenile. You’re not a child, you’re an adult who can articulate your feelings. Yet, you’ll be wondering why they friendzone you. Babe, you’re coming with the energy of a friend, why won’t they treat you as such?
For the women who flirt with men by calling them “sir”, why? How deep are your daddy issues? You don’t even call the person who pays your salary “sir”, so why this?
“Let your girlfriend not come and beat me o”
Aunty, ask if they have a girlfriend first. If you’re scared of someone coming to you as a woman, declare your interest and wait for what they have to say.
If he’s a fine boy, he’s a fine boy. Stop trying to sneak in compliments. “Fine boy like you, how can you say…” Even secondary school children are more direct than this. Pay the compliment if you want to.
Liking multiple pictures
Everyone likes pictures. Just because you’re liking multiple pictures doesn’t mean anything. Try sending them a DM instead. That’s how things work.
Since we have the best opinion on food on the internet, we compiled a list of ingredients that shouldn’t be missing from your next meal. If you like, don’t help your tastebuds to grow up, we’ve tried our best.
Love
You can taste when something has been made with premium wickedness. You don’t even have to eat it first to know. Sometimes, just looking at it will tell you that it tastes like wickedness. Try cooking with love today, it’s a game-changer.
Were you a vampire in your past life? No? Then why are you cooking without garlic? Please, explain what you’re afraid of in two seconds. If somebody offers you food without garlic, you’re probably dessert and not in a good way.
Onions
Aren’t you too old to be afraid of something because it makes you cry? The same tears you shed up and down for people who don’t deserve you? Please, respect yourself. Eat food made with onions.
Pepper
Except you have a medical condition, what sort of adult eats food without pepper? Pepper makes everything better, trust us. From avocado toast to garri, pepper spices up any meal. Help us help you.
Iru
You’re missing out if you don’t like iru. So what if it smells? Cover your nose. After cooking, you won’t smell anything, and your food will be 100 per cent better for it.
Crayfish
Crayfish works in everything. If you like, call it the “cockroach of the ocean”. They are very tasteful cockroaches. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten crayfish blended with ice cream and a pinch of salt.
Green Peas
When it’s not like you’re 10 years old, picking out all the green peas from your fried rice. Green peas are so good and require little effort. They are great as sides and even better in any meal of your choice. Think of it as one small step for you, one giant leap for your stomach.
Now that your salary has finished one week after you’ve collected it, you’ll need to stretch your last ₦5k until the next salary week. We’ve compiled a list of seven foods you can eat while you count the days.
Sacrifice
If it’s good enough for the gods, it’s good enough for you.
Food in your dreams
Dream food is always delicious and it leaves you feeling full. The only downside is your destiny might be at risk, according to those street prophets, but na person wey dey alive fit get destiny.
Look for any of those companies that make spices and condiments for food and volunteer to help them clean up the set after they’re done cooking for the camera. That’s free and delicious food.
Concoction
Gather all the foods in your house and turn it into a meal. Garri and ketchup can slap if you put your mind to it.
Tears
You can drink your tears to satisfy your hunger now that you’re broke. Whenever you’re hungry, look at your account balance and weep.
Every two business days, someone is always talking about how being polyamorous is easy and full of perks, and we totally agree! No, you don’t need to put more effort into communicating with your partner or anything because these seven perks make polyamorous relationships easy to manage.
Now three people can break your heart in the same week
What’s better than one soul-crushing heartbreak? Three! Imagine crying about three people you love and having to go to work and smile the next day. Sounds amazing, innit? Worse? You’ll be going through a breakup while being in a happy relationship and feeling bad about being sad when it can’t be helped.
Don’t you just love the security that comes with opening your banking app and seeing no money? The universe loves you so much that two of your partners were born in the same month, and both of their love languages are gift-giving. While others get the luxury of never knowing what they spent their salary on, you will always know. Loves cost everything, oh, arms and legs included.
Your dating pool is even smaller
I mean, if there was a world record for most blocked in a year, you’ll probably win, and that’s something! Don’t you just love having even fewer options now? Precisely and if you think about it, you’ll learn how to get over heartbreaks faster, which can be a superpower!
Everyone and their daddies will judge you for free
So what if you can never bring your partner home to your parents? Think about how you cut bills on streaming platforms, rent, and cab billings, and see how good you’ve got it. Yes, by all means, friend that cheats on his partner unprovoked, tell me how being poly is wrong I’m very interested in your opinion!
Spending all your time on the road
You’ll have so much fun being stuff in traffic just to visit different partners outside the hours capitalism already steals; that’s so cute. The best part? When you put on your CV that you’re great at time management, you can attach your cab trip history for proof.
Being great at sharing
Earthly possessions are meaningless anyways, so what if all the clothes in your wardrobe are gone now, and you buy double the usual groceries? You’ll quickly get used to sharing that favourite drink you don’t even let your siblings breathe around, and it won’t be a problem.
Peace of mind
All your partners will love each other and live in peace and harmony, which will, in turn, give you peace of mind. No, come on, you’re not going to spend all your weekends settling fights because you spent more time with one person over the other. It’s all sunshine and rainbows.
So you just discovered on TikTok that all the totally normal behaviours you have are people-pleasing characteristics. It turns out you’re just not that nice for niceness sake; and even your willingness to always let things slide is a trauma response. Thank you, TikTok, for the diagnosis!
Here’s how to say no as a people pleaser.
You have to practise passive assertiveness
Your body language should say no before opening your mouth to say yes. The next time a friend or coworker comes to ask you for something at your inconvenience, stand like this:
If you can’t see the face of the person trying to inconvenience you, you’re less likely to want to help them.
Walk away as fast as you can
If they can’t catch you, they can’t ask you to do anything for them.
Tap into your inner toddler and start reporting everybody
Snitches get stitches, but sometimes it’s necessary to snitch before you faint from exhaustion. Shout “I will report you oh” like a toddler who discovered the word “no”.
Tape your mouth shut and glue your hands to your sides.
If your mouth is closed, everyone will take your silence as no, and if your hands are glued to your sides, you can’t shrug and say yes. When they see you trying to enforce boundaries like this, they’ll leave you alone.
Buy a big placard with the word “NO” written boldly
You can wear it on your neck or carry it in a bag. Next time your roommate asks you if they can eat the cake you’ve been saving for later, just bring the placard out. Or if your boss tries to give you more work than you can handle, you know what to do.
Chant “no” to yourself in the mirror every morning
There’s nothing as effective as using the actual word itself being used as an affirmation. Try to say it with a smile, so they know that if they keep pushing, they’re about to see crazy. When the conductor asks for his change, say no. When the food delivery people ask for their money, tell them no. Go forth and succeed.
