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Sometimes, Nigerian parents forget the home they come from so they start to display elements of pride. Here are six ways to know your Nigerian parents have become proud.
1) They start coming home late
When your parents start returning home from events later than 7pm, then not only have they grown wings, but the wings are full of feathers. How can they be trying such?
2) They don’t tell you where they are going to
Imagine you parent just picking car keys and driving out without asking for permission or giving an explanation. It is like they have forgotten the parent of who they are. Wow.
3) They stop sending you pocket money
Their disrespect level has gotten to 100. How can they just stop sending you money? Don’t they know you are their child till you die? Even if you are a grandparent, they have to keep sending you pocket money.
This is them using style to also tell you they no longer love you. Once they stop asking if you have eaten, start looking for another home because their huge wings won’t allow you stay in that house anymore.
5) Changing WhatsApp dp more than twice a day
Who are they trying to impress? Why will they just be displaying themselves like that?
Want to know the mama that runs the church? From her iconic strut to her searing look, here’s a 16-step guide on how to spot the first lady in a Nigerian church from a mile away.
1. How she walks into the service:
She has arrived!
2. The type of hats she wears to church:
The bigger the better.
3. How she and the head of the women’s group looks at the choir when they sound off:
Can you imagine?
4. When she says, “Can I have a few more minutes?”
You’re going to be there for like one hour.
5. How she looks on the days she is coming to address the “youth”:
Funky mama!
6. How she answers when you greet her:
Okay oh!
7. The look she gives you when you walk past her without greeting:
Don’t you value your life?
8. Her reaction to everything:
As a holy mama!
9. When the pastor cracks a joke, she’s like:
If nobody will laugh for her husband, she will laugh.
10. When she agrees with a point the preacher has made.
“That’s a real word right there.”
11. How she catches the Holy Spirit!
Hallelujah!
13. When she sees something she doesn’t like.
Jesus is the master key.
14. How your parents greet her even though they are older:
“Ah mummy good morning!”
15. How she drops the microphone when the ushers are wasting time and she’s ready to leave the stage:
Mama waits for no one!
16. How she and her association of scary church aunties roll through:
She did not come to play with you heathens. She came to pray!
For everyone who went to secondary school in Nigeria, there are common annoying and borderline traumatic experiences that link us all together. So, we gathered 13 of them to see if they’d trigger some equally funny and unpleasant memories.
1. Losing these weeks to exams:
Your enemies have won.
2. When two seniors are giving you opposing instructions.
What is this stress?
3. “Tear out a sheet of paper.”
Excuse me?
4. When you see your name in the list of noisemakers with “X 6”.
Based on what?
5. “All stand greet.”
Here we go again.
6. The sound of this:
The worst sound ever.
7. “Last junior.”
Can’t be me.
8. These outfits:
Ugly nonsense.
9. “Everybody kneel down.”
Hay God!
10. “Don’t touch it or I’ll start again.”
The last thing you want to hear when they are flogging you.
11. When they finish flogging you and your friends start saying sorry.
While new Nollywood still very rarely includes sex scenes (or even kissing scenes), Yoruba Nollywood has been out here being horny as hell. So, we gathered a few pictures that show just how much they seem to love having and talking about sex.
The 8th edition of the popular beach soccer tournament, Copa Lagos held throughout the weekend at Eko Atlantic, VI. It had us loving the opportunity to immerse ourselves in enjoyment. You should know by now that we can’t pass up a chance to get the ultimate weekend experience. And you know the fun part? We got it all in one place.
Because we’re good people, we’ve decided to do a recap of all the things you definitely missed:
1) What’s A Weekend Without Drinks:
What’s better than having drinks with friends in a relaxed atmosphere? Especially when the drink is on tab? Copa gave us all of this and more. Hooray for us.
Yaasss, sistahs! There were so many hot guys at the event, we didn’t know where to look. Some of them were on the pitch and had us salivating with all that action; others were giving us googling eyes from their position on the sidelines of things. Apparently, we weren’t the only ones that had thoughts on this:
We totally loved the freebies that we got courtesy of FCMB, who sponsored the tournament. I mean, who doesn’t love to get gifts? Our turnup was real when we heard that FCMB was giving out free tickets and gifts. We made a mad rush to Copa Lagos just to get us some. Best part was that the gift giveaways were essential life items like flat screen TVs, mobile phones, and other exciting gifts. Ultimate what? Ultimate weekend, we tell you.
Oh you thought the tournament was only for experienced footballers? Nah. We got to see some of our favourite Nigeria celebs on the sandy football pitch as they showed of their mad skills. This includes: Sound Sultan, MC Lively, Josh2Funny, Sexy Steel, Ehiz and more.
We couldn’t keep calm when we sighted Governor of Lagos, Sanwo Olu — I know, such a rare honour to actually see him. The Deputy Governor of Lagos State, Obafemi Hamzat, and the Honorable Minister for Youth and Sports, Sunday Dare, also graced the event.
The constant music was enough to let us forget all of our home training. But, we acted with enough decorum to mingle as well. We love to meet new people, so we braved it and asked a couple of cheerleaders to teach us one or two things about cheer leading.
Leaving home for university can be fun until you get hit with the realization that you are really alone, even when you are actually never alone. Then it dawns on you that the stress of getting an education might not be worth it, particularly when you consider the adulting that it requires which includes, COOKING YOUR OWN MEAL.
If you are the kind of person who would rather starve than go into the kitchen to cook at all–aren’t we all though? Then your lazy bones will totally relate to these food items that have been making life easy for students since, forever!
1) Garri:
This just had to top the list, I considered making it last but nah. Garri is bae and it goes with anything, well almost anything. You can eat it (dry), drink it, make eba with it and fry it–if you’re adventurous enough.
2) Indomie:
I know its proper name is noodles; the Japanese call it ramen but Nigerians just call it Indomie, for some reason every noodles is Indomie and we can’t stop calling it that. And this food item is a no brainer and a fave because it is fast to cook.
It can be eaten raw, YASS. It can be cooked in different ways, with different condiments but if suffer head is catching you, just put it into hot water, and eat it like that when it’s cooked.
3) Beans:
Ha, this is the king of all. It is sweet and nutritious. It is usually cooked when there is no money because that’s the only reason someone will wait for five hours for it to get cooked o!
If the allowee situation is really dire, consider adding a drum of water in it, it will be sure to last you a while that way. No worries of eating too much of it though, it regulates itself–or you, more like.
4) Bread:
This is sometimes a luxury food item in school but it remains essential. Bread combos are always nice; bread and tea, bread and akara, bread and beans, bread and butter, bread and fish, bread and groundnut, bread and water or bread and coke–some people actually pour the bread into the coke.
Bread is really great when you are on a tight budget, it seems to rise in your stomach, keeping you sustained all day long.
5) Rice:
Because, who is a Nigerian without rice? White rice, fried rice, jollof rice, concoction rice, improptu rice, atagungun rice–all join to sustain your diet.
The idea that you might fail at school is one that every Nigerian parent can never stand. And it won’t happen — not if they can help it. Because they don’t think the 8-5 classes you do, five days in a week is enough, here comes the lesson teacher – their knight in shining armour – to make their dreams come true.
If you had one of these, chances are that you didn’t like them at some point, so you should relate to one or all of these:
1. This was you every time they walked in like they owned the place
Aren’t you supposed to be the help? Act accordingly.
2. What you were (usually) tempted to say every time you joined them in the living room for lessons:
3. How you looked at them whenever your mum offered them food and they accepted it:
Not only are you a nuisance, you are also poor.
4. The passive-aggressiveness when they call you dumb:
Well, you are here to make me smart(er), doesn’t that mean you’re failing at your job?
5. Or worse, if they reported you to your mum:
Hey, you need to know that snitches get stitches.
6. Every new assignment had you like:
Nah, bro, I’ve got better things to do… Better things like nothing.
7. All the days it seemed like they were not going to make it:
Look who finally realised that they are not wanted.
7. But when they eventually came:
Decent people don’t do that.
8. When you aced your exams and they tried to take the credit
Whether it is in Lagos or Lokoja, your youth is usually the best time of your life.
Which explains why it’s easy to get lost in it.
Fortunately, when the sands of time start running down, life will let you know you’re getting old.
We won’t say we can relate, but here are a few hints you should take note of.
Congrats, you’re a daddy now.
As they say, charity starts at home. The first sign is when the children in your compound graduate from calling you “Uncle” to “Daddy”.
You can’t find clothes for your age bracket
Staying fresh in Lagos is a must, but what can you do when you step in the boutique and all the GUCCI and Supreme looks like children’s costumes? Just go and sew native.
Everything feels like a chore.
When you’re always tired of being tired.
“Brother Jerry, Singles meet-up on Tuesday”
You never know about these events until your church-going neighbour decides it’s time for you to go and marry.
All your faves are no longer hosting shows
They told you to go to Freedom Park. That you’d find some good live music. Nobody said you’d see a young woman in dreadlocks singing about Ice-Cream and Poison. Did Tony Tetuila move back to Ilorin?
Policemen put respek on your age
“Good morning Sir. Come out of the vehicle plis. Can I have your keys, please?”
“Kneel down, raise up your hands and close your eyes”
You’re always the captain of your set
Gone are the days when you had to come to the field first or buy the ball. Now they won’t even start if you’re not there, even if you’re the reason they can’t score.
Do they really think you’re Yoda?
Reminds me of a friend who wonders why people come to him for advice. I just can’t tell him it’s because we want to be like him when we grow up. I’m not that kind of person.
While you still have age on your side, what do you most enjoy about being young? Tell us in the comments.
