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Life | Zikoko!
  • Music Was Supposed to Be My Big Break, Now I’m Starting Life Over

    When Chimodu* (28) joined a music label in the 2010s, he thought it’d help him get his big break. It didn’t. He shares his experience navigating contract issues at the label, developing a cannabis addiction and having to go to rehab, and how he’s slowly piecing his life back together.


    For anonymity, names and other identifiers have been changed.


    This is Chimodu’s* story, as told to Akintomide

    I was trying to adjust to the reality of life after uni when my friend, Ogbe* convinced me to apply to a Nigerian music label’s academy. 

    I’ve been into music since I was a teenager, and he thought the academy would help me better my craft. It made sense, so I applied.

    The label’s head is a well-known Nigerian artist and, up to that point, had been one of my biggest influences as a producer. It was an opportunity to learn from my idol, and I knew I had to take it. I even told some of my guys I’d get in even before the academy picked me. I wanted it that much. 

    Getting selected was the validation I needed at the time. Up till then, everything I knew about music was self-taught. But being something of a nerd who wanted to understand things from every possible angle, I knew I needed more technical knowledge. The academy provided that; a chance to ask questions and hone my skills — a stepping stone.

    Little did I know that this “stepping stone” would turn out to be the feet-hurting pebbles that’d steer me into a path I least expected to take.

    I resumed at the music academy in 2013  for the month-long training. The first day was nerve-wracking, at least for me. I met the organisers and the other students, and we started talking about ideas and techniques immediately. I noted something odd, though. Anytime I asked a question about music production or other technical stuff, the label head would say, “Just choose better sounds”.

    Besides the odd attitude to questions, it was a comprehensive training. They taught us about the music business and branding. Top producers, songwriters and industry people came to talk to us. There was even an entertainment law class, where we were taught not to work with anyone without signing a split sheet that detailed how payment would  work.

    But a week into the programme, the organisers began to emphasise how we needed to “do anything it takes to succeed in the game”. They asked if we’d give them the intellectual property (IP) rights to the music we’d make while in the academy. The music in question was supposed to be an academy project which seemed to be a requirement for the training, so we all said yes. 

    I should mention that the whole training was filmed, so they had video evidence of each student agreeing to release all IP rights. It wasn’t a red flag at the time because, in my head, the academy would be my big break. Even if they owned my music, the exposure would do me a world of good.

    The project never happened, by the way.

    Fast forward to the end of the training. The organisers gave us all a one-year contract to become official signees of the music company. There was a clause, though: They’d also own everything we produced under the label. 

    I showed my dad the contract, who in turn showed it to his lawyer best friend. The lawyer asked me not to sign it. I was pained, but I had to tell the label lawyers I couldn’t sign based on those terms. They refused to negotiate and asked me to remove all brand benefits like academy logo, social media handles and hashtag in the bio from my social media accounts. I was even subtly threatened not to “misyarn about them” or I’d be sued for causing “emotional distress”. It felt like I was stripped of an honour and taken back to square one.

    I couldn’t release music immediately after the academy because I thought they’d accuse me of using the social media leverage that attending the academy had given me. I didn’t want anything to tarnish my reputation or end my career before it even started, so I stayed off social media.

    While this was going on, a former mate at the label started making waves. All the hit songs on the radio had his name, and I started overthinking about money and blowing up, too. I even briefly considered contacting other guys who also attended the training, but thought against it. The lawyers would probably have told them not to talk to me or each other.

    So, I kept to myself. Then one day, Ogbe* told me that the lawyers from the label were trying to reach me. They’d told Ogbe* what happened and claimed I didn’t honour an agreement. One even said she was looking for me because she was worried.

    I thought, “Oh, maybe things can be ironed out.” So, I called the lawyer and said I was hoping to negotiate the contract. She called me a dumb ass who had wasted an opportunity and that I needed to apologise to the lead organiser for wasting his time. 

    It was like a switch flipped on in my head. I knew I wouldn’t receive that treatment if I had a hit song, or if I’d “blown”. That was my “fuck it, I must make money” moment.


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    The only problem was, I didn’t know how to invest in myself to make the money. It took me four years after the label to put out music again, and when I resumed, I focused all my energy on it, believing I had a talent people would pay for. I didn’t have a job, or money to get equipment like a studio monitor, better microphone, software, things that would help me level up.

    I just expected at least one of my songs to blow up because I put out music with friends every three months and I produced songs regularly for others.

    I was a studio rat, but I didn’t have a direction for myself. It was only fun and pleasure. I spent all my NYSC allawee on babes and weed. Same thing after my Service and during the three years that I worked as an accountant at a private firm.

    It wasn’t until I lost three years in rehab (due to my cannabis addiction since my uni days), just wasting away, that I started to take my life seriously. When I came out, two of my guys had gotten married. A couple of others had changed their cars. Guys were making moves. That was when I said, “Omo, I’m done sitting on my ass.”

    I saved up and bought a MIDI controller. I had a guitar I’d never played. I’m now learning how to play. Then, I went to a software engineering boot camp. I’m working towards positioning myself for a steady income stream from my various passions, from music to game software development to drawing and making short films.

    Currently, I’m a games software developer, and I run music projects on the side. After the projects I’m working on come out, hopefully this year, free work stops. 

    Another thing driving me to hustle now is to look at luxury cars on IG. Benzos, Lexes, Bentleys.

    But all in all, I need to make these things work, even for another reason, like my parents. They’ve done their best. But also, I need to get out of their faces. My dad thinks I’m wasting time with music and my mum treats me like a child. I don’t want all that for my life.

    My music career hasn’t turned out the way I expected, but I’ve accepted that this is my journey. I’m glad I didn’t sign into that label. Every other person in my set signed, but most are still on the same level as me. But I’m not going to be here for long, it’s grinding season for me.

    READ NEXT: People Play Ludo With My Life Because They Want to Help Me

  • QUIZ: What Were You Up to at 22?

    As always, we already know

  • Unconventional Ways to Find a Job in 2023

    Call and ask to confirm your interview time

    Skip the part where you apply to a thousand jobs without getting a reply. Call the companies directly and tell them you want to confirm your interview time. Chances are, they’ll be too lazy to check if they actually sent you anything.

    Find their email address and send them an interview invite

    If you’ve already applied, be proactive and send them an interview invitation, so they know you mean business. Companies always say they want proactive people. Show yourself.

    Offer them fuel

    If they have an office, then they need to keep the lights on. Offer them free fuel as a perk for hiring you. You’ll leave them no choice but to hire you with joy.

    Offer to pay them a salary instead

    What better way to prove to them that you’re not doing it for the money than to offer them money?

    Become a POS attendant

    You’re going straight from being unemployed to being self-employed. Even better, you’re handling plenty cash every day. What more do you want?

    Become a Wizkid stan

    Being a part of Wizid FC is a full-time job, and the best part about it is that you don’t have to apply. Just start working. You might get stressed out every once in a while sha but the job is the job. Another option is to just become Davido’s online defender for the week. But you’ll be doing a lot of overtime sha.

    Shoot your shot at your future employer

    No, we’re not asking you to send them a DM on LinkedIn. Instead, find their IG handle and slide into their DMs with as much rizz as you can. Ask them on a date, then go with your CV. They’ll be impressed by your focus.


    NEXT READ: 7 Ways To Make Money Without Working For It


  • How to Win Any Football Argument in 9 Easy Steps

    Don’t be an Arsenal fan

    You’re an Arsenal fan, and you want to argue about football? Are you not embarrassed? 

    Ignore the facts

    You’re here to win, not to raise a superior argument. Let your opponents focus on facts while you hatch your main plan. 

    Always take the opposing opinion

    What’s your main plan, you ask? Divide and conquer. No matter how obvious the correct stance is, always be on the opposite side. If they’re arguing whether Nigeria can beat Brazil, support Nigeria. If they’re arguing about who will win the next Champions League, shout “Chelsea” or “Arsenal”. Just say any wildly impossible thing to rile them up.

    Laugh at the other person’s argument

    Mock them for using logic. Yes, they deserve it.

    Yell… a lot

    It’s not a proper argument if you don’t talk at the top of your voice, even though you’re just a few inches away from kissing them.

    Have mouth odour

    No one with mouth odour has ever lost an argument. You can quote us anywhere.

    Go with a gun

    We’re not saying you should threaten them with violence, but strike the fear of God in their hearts.

    Show them a picture of Messi with the world cup

    If it’s another tired argument about who the GOAT is, show them a picture of Messi holding the world cup.

    Annoy them and shout “Siuuu!”

    When you’re done, rub the pain in by shouting “Siuu!” and doing the Ronaldo celebration. There you have it; mission accomplished.


    NEXT READ: 7 Things You’ll Relate To If You Don’t Understand Football


  • POV: Zikoko As Your Motivational Speaker

    “Life is short, call your ex”

    You only live once, but you can always mess up many times.

    “There’s rice at home, but we both know you don’t want to eat rice. Go and buy food.”

    Follow your stomach and your pocket will follow suit

    .

    “Don’t be the patient dog. Hunger will finish you.”

    The patient dog doesn’t get the fattest bone. In fact, the patient dog gets nothing. We shouldn’t even need to spell this one out. 

    “Your next of kin won’t rate your struggle. Spend that money”

    Your next of kin will probably be at South flexing your money if anything happens to you.  Better spend your money now.

    “You better to save, it’s that same money that’ll save you”

    We said you should spend all your money, but you should save too sha. The economy might be too bad to save anything, but we believe in you.  Those savings might ultimately be your saviour. 

    “Life isn’t so hard. You’re the one who wants to blow”

    Ever wondered how stress-free your life would be if you weren’t trying to make it by force?

    “Don’t take nonsense from anybody, including your employer”

    You might lose your job, but that doesn’t matter because bad energy must stay far away.


    NEXT READ: 18 Motivational Quotes That Are Lowkey “Yahoo Boy” Quotes


  • 8 Popular Motivational Quotes That Actually Make No Sense

    “Never Give Up”

    What if the person is doing rubbish? Is it not better to just give up and sleep?

    “Everyone is special”

    This one is a big lie. If everyone is special, then what does “special” itself mean? Sometimes, we need to call the bluff of these aspire-to-maguire speakers.

    “Follow your passion”

    This one sounds cute until you realise that Dangote has no passion for cement. Also, it’s rich people advice. Our own theory is “follow your stomach, make hunger no kill you”.

    “You can be whatever you want to be”

    This isn’t bad advice per se, but we’re sure it’s the kind of problematic advice that made someone like Buhari keep trying until he became the president of Nigeria. We all know how that story ends.

    “What’s meant for you will not pass you by”

    Maybe if life was a movie. But in real life, if you don’t hold what’s meant for you tight, sorry for you.

    “The patient dog eats the fattest bone”

    LMAO. Why should you end up with a bone after so much patience? Is it not better for the patient dog to just go and buy food?

    “No girl will choose six packs over six cars. So stop gyming and work hard.”

    There are millions of people who don’t work out and are still poor. It’s better to have one, at least.

    “What an elder can see sitting down, small children cannot see from on top of a tree”

    If we call this witchcraft now, they’ll say we should keep quiet. What else can make an elder see better than a child?


    NEXT READ: How To Make It As a Nigerian Motivational Speaker


  • Evil Eye on Social Media: Nigerians Share Their Experiences

    The “Evil Eye” is a cast or glance at someone that may inflict harm, suffering or some form of bad luck on their lives. You know how you don’t share an important milestone or major win because you fear it’s all going to get jinxed? Well, the jinxing bit might have something to do with this “evil eye”. You know what’s even weirder? The ”looker” doesn’t have to lift an arm to cause a chain of possibly catastrophic events. God, abeg.  

    People who choose to keep their private lives away from the internet might be on to something sha.

    Evil Eye on Social Media: Nigerians Share Their Experiences

    We had a chat with some Nigerians, and their Evil Eye experiences are chilling, to say the least.

    “My sister’s baby cries every time I post her picture on WhatsApp”Funmi*, 28

    I was always posting pictures of my niece when my twin sister put to bed, and I started to notice a funny pattern: Every time I posted my niece’s picture, she would cry throughout the night without sleeping. My sister would always call me crying and saying she doesn’t know why the baby is throwing a tantrum. I started feeling weird because it happened only on the days I posted her pictures on WhatsApp. I remember posting her picture again to confirm my suspicion after noticing the pattern. It happened again and that was when I decided to pray about it. At first, I kept it to myself, but I eventually told my sister.

    “My hair falls out whenever people compliment it” Fareeda*, 26

    I have long and full hair. Anytime people see it they keep “awwwnnning” over it. But I started to notice that I lose a lot of my hair whenever that happened, especially when I was in secondary school. Anything people admired about the hair would be affected. My hairline, the healthy scalp, the length, the fullness… Large chunks of my hair would literally fall out.

    “We had a nasty fight after I posted his picture on his birthday” Fikayo*, 29

    I once posted my boyfriend’s pictures to celebrate his birthday. Afterwards, we had a nasty fight that almost led to a breakup. Mind you, this is a relationship of about three years. I remember sharing the pictures, and people I’d not spoken to in years started texting me that day, some I didn’t even have their numbers anymore. Before then, I’d only posted his picture online once.

    “I started having dreams that put my babe in bad light” — Oyin*, 28

    I remember one Sunday afternoon when my boo stood up as a single in church because there was no category for “in a relationship.” I made a fuss about it on my WhatsApp status and someone sent A DM saying she knew my relationship wasn’t going to last because I was rubbing him in everyone’s face even when we weren’t married.

    I was livid, but before I knew it, I started having dreams that put my babe in a bad light, and all I could think about was wanting to break up. Naturally, I’ve found that keeping things to myself before they happen makes them happen.

    “Posted about my new job, and it was the beginning of the end” —  Latoye*, 31

    I’d been working at this cool place for months but kept it private because I wasn’t ready to share it with anyone. It wasn’t even because I thought about jinxing it or anything; I just wanted to put in the work before making an announcement.

    The day I eventually shared the news on Twitter and WhatsApp, there was this weird presence I felt around me. The congratulatory messages poured in and some people even reposted. I got to work the next morning, and let’s just say it was the beginning of an end. Was making silly mistakes that were actually detrimental to the business. Long story short, my contract was terminated. I have a new job now, and only my family members know.

    “The company terminated her appointment after sponsoring the family visa and paying for flight”  —  Dotun*, 28

    My sister-in-law got a job in the Netherlands in March 2022. The company sponsored visas for her, her husband and their child. They were expecting her arrival in July and had even paid for their flight. By the end of June 2022, the visas were ready. Out of excitement, my sis-in-law she posted her testimony on her WhatsApp status, and two days later, the company called to inform her they don’t need her services anymore. Her flight was cancelled on July 1, 2022. She’s just recovering from the effect it had on her mental health. Thank God her husband had not resigned from his job.

    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

    Join Lagos babes for the hottest women-only party going down on May 27. Grab your HERtitude tickets here.

  • We Think Podcasters Should Talk About These Issues Instead

    Help us talk to inflation

    Can you guys help us figure out why the price of a Toyota Corolla is now ₦4 million? If you can invite inflation for a podcast episode, we promise to dash you all the mics you want.

    Becoming a millionaire’s side chic

    So many people want to enter that line of business and need solid intel. Do it for the good of the community.

    Speak to a male ashewo

    What are the career prospects? How much do they earn? What is the work culture like? What are the barriers to entry? These are the important questions.

    How to make money doing nothing

    Nobody likes stress. It’ll be best if you help us figure out how to make money without doing anything, so we can live our best lives.

    Sexual health

    We all know people won’t stop committing sin. So, why not help us by talking about sexual health on your podcast, so we can make it to hell in good health?

    How to get lucky

    Some people don’t seem to have village people in this life. They stay winning, just cruising through life with ease and softness. Can’t you find them and tell them to share some secrets with the rest of the population?

    How to spend ₦400k

    Since podcasters love to settle every issue known to man, they should help us figure out the best way to spend ₦400k. It’s just a suggestion.


    NEXT READ: Podcasts Might Be the New Pandemic, But These Are Our Faves


  • QUIZ: What Were You Born To Do?

    Take this quiz, and we’ll tell you what you’re meant to do.

  • 9 Things Every Nigerian Would Do If They Could Time Travel

    Be born somewhere else

    It’s common knowledge that if you’re born in Nigeria, life is already leading you 1 – 0. So if you somehow get to travel back in time, it’s best to just change your nationality so you don’t have to deal with all this stress to start with.

    Or japa when it was still cheap

    You always think “It can’t get worse than this”, until Nigeria shocks you. We’re sure there’s nobody who won’t take a chance to japa in 2012, right before this advanced level of pepper started.

    Dash Lord Lugard small malaria

    We’re not saying he should die o, but he should just have small malaria that’ll make him too weak to bother about forcefully amalgamating Nigeria.

    Stop Meffy from becoming CBN Governor

    We’d go back to the time he first got into the race for CBN governor and flog all the stupid policy ideas out of his head.

    Buy many bags of rice and keep

    Show us one asset that has multiplied in value more than rice has in the past few years. We’ll wait.

    Buy bitcoin in 2009

    Who needs a dinner with Jay Z when you can travel back to 2009 and buy like 2,000 bitcoins for less than $1. Then you come back to 2023 and retire to your village forever.

    Buy dollars before it crashed

    We’d be ballers by now, rolling in money that’s been rendered worthless by inflation, but ballers nonetheless.

    Not study Philosophy

    The country is already making you think about your life, so why would you play yourself by studying a course that’ll only make you think more? We’re sure the people who studied this course are going back to undo their mistake the first chance they get.

    Use their law school fees to fund their dreams

    Instead of going to law school to study to practice law in a lawless country, we’re sure some people will either eat their tuition, or use it to fund their dreams, in the hopes of becoming the next Falz.


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  • Life is Hard, so Plan a Soft Weekend Getaway

    Find a getaway partner

    You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.

    Clear your schedule

    If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.

    Quit your job

    If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.

    Go on Instagram one last time

    If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.

    Then get off social media

    Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.

    Find a hotel to stay

    You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.  

    Book a flight

    You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort. 

  • QUIZ: What Era of Your Life Are You Currently In?

    Are you chasing enjoyment in your soft girl era or running from reality in your delusional girl era? Find out here.

  • The Absolute Best Places to Meet Your Future Partner

    You’ve probably heard the saying, “God only gives you time and place. The rest is in your hands”. If you meet your future partner in any of these seven places, just know it’s a sign your relationship will be sweet.

    ATM booth

    What better place to meet your future partner than at an ATM queue? Falling in love over money is basically good vibes for your love life.

    Filling station

    This is how you know your partner has the hustling spirit everyone needs to survive. They’ll do all the struggling while you settle into that soft life.

    Police station

    Your partner will at least try to fight for your right when anything happens in life. Whether or not they’ll be able to get you justice is another issue entirely.

    Owambe

    You can tell right off the bat that they love enjoyment, and your relationship will be filled with fun. They might still show you pepper, but you’ll sha enjoy.

    Airport

    You need to start hanging around airports, and be on the lookout for people with blue passports. What’s better than a love that can take you to greener pastures?

    The beach

    You’ll only find the soft and peaceful type who won’t stress your life.   

    Someone’s marital home

    Who says the love of your life can’t be another person’s partner? Don’t let something as silly as marriage stop you from finding love.


    NEXT READ: 13 Places to Meet a Rich Bobo in Lagos


    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE
  • 2022 Dump: All the Unreal Things That Happened This Year

    2022 has been something between a horror movie and a comedy. We haven’t seen anything like it before. But just in case you’ve forgotten, here are some of the unreal things that happened this year.

    ASUU went on strike, again

    Everybody, including the government and their minions, thought they were kidding since they just ended a strike in December 2020. But ASUU said, “Hold my beer”.

    Narrator: And so they kept holding for ten solid months.

    The government banned ponmo

    We know it has next to no nutrients, but did they really have to do this? Ponmo has been there for us in this economy. It hasn’t commited any offense.

    Ooni of Ife took many wives

    The Ooni read the biblical story of King Solomon for the first time and said, “Is this your king?” He then married six wives in two months. We stan a true family man.

    They applied Snapchat filters to our beloved naira notes

    When this year started, did you ever think you’d see Ahmadu Bello’s face behind a vignette filter? Well, there’s nothing the CBN cannot do. 

    Somebody’s daddy went naked to pray for City Boy

    Upon all the shege we were shown this year, we didn’t think we’ll close out seeing someone’s daddy strip naked to pray for Tinubu, the city boy, traumatising us and the marine spirits in the process.

    The dollar hit ₦800

    Even after our friendly interview with the dollar, it went on a rampage and showed us it’s actually too sexy for Nigerians to afford. The betrayal!

    Asake charged us ₦70k for a concert

    We definitely want to meet Asake’s dealer in 2023 because this thing is getting out of hand. Ololade Mr Money decided to take his name too seriously, and yes, we’ll still pay, but that’s not the point. The audacity is loud.


    NEXT READ: 7 Accessible Places to Find Love Before 2022 Ends


  • QUIZ: If You Get 15/20 on This Quiz, You’re Winning at Adulthood

    Is adulthood going through you, or are you handling it like a pro?

    Select all the things you can relate to:


    QUIZ: How Good Are You At Adulting?

  • QUIZ: Which Nigerian Phrase Accurately Describes Your Life?

    Is your life God abeg or are you flourishing and unbothered?


    QUIZ: What’s the Colour of Your Problem?

  • Open Letter to Nigerian Parents: It’s Okay to Fail

    Dear Nigerian Parents,

    I want to tell you an unfamiliar story. One that may seem foreign to the rhetoric you’ve pushed onto us for ages. It’s a story of imperfection, the never-ending struggle we were raised into, the constant reminder that we need to break free from the belief that it’s our duty to rise above it all and “succeed”. We even coined a name for this process, “hustle”. We adore it, worship it, and it defines every day of our lives. And if we don’t play this game and pass, we’ve failed. 

    Well, here’s a radical idea. Maybe it’s okay to fail. Because you’ve failed too. 

    You failed to see the flaw in making us live this way in the first place. In making us believe our worth was only in the things we were able to achieve, that our grades are all that matter, and that our value is conditional. We don’t hate you, but it’s not fair. Especially when you must have failed at some point in your life too. But you’re here.

    That carryover is not what’s going to end my life. Getting a C instead of an A is not the end of the world. I need you to see that I try. I hope you know not everyone can get an A. The fact that I failed once in school doesn’t mean I always will. It also doesn’t mean I’ll fail at life. But above all, I hope you know that even if I do, I’ll try again. Because it’s okay to fail.

    And I’m not alone in this, The educational system itself has failed me. Locking me out of an education for eight months. The country itself has failed, putting its citizens into worse living conditions year after year. We’ve all failed in some way. But we’re still here. The mere truth of that means we have the chance to make it better, as long as we keep trying.

    In all, I hope you don’t fail to get the message of this story, that it’s okay to fail.  As long as I don’t stay on the ground.

    I’ll keep trying my hardest.

    💌, 

    Nigerian Students

  • QUIZ: Who’s the Villain in Your Life?

    You are the Main Character, but who’s the villain in your life? Is it your job or your coconut head? This quiz will tell you.

  • Stop Wasting Precious Nights Sleeping and Try These Instead

    We’re not saying sleeping is wrong, we just think it’s a waste of precious time, so we’ve compiled a list of very fun things you can try instead.

    Eat

    While others sleep, you can stay up trying different food combos because there’s literally no one to judge you, and some foods are best enjoyed cold and in the middle of the night. For instance, eba and ogbono soup. 

    Pro-tip: If you don’t have soup, you can try ketchup

    RELATED: These 7 Foods Always Taste Better at 2 am

    Booty calls

    We know we don’t need to explain that there’ll be no sleeping involved here.

    It’s even better when it’s someone else’s babe.

    DM someone’s babe 

    Prove to her that she deserves a lover that would be with her through the darkest hours. Yes, that saying literally means midnight.

    Come back with testimony when they open the relationship for you.

    RELATED: Pros and Cons of Dating Somebody’s Boyfriend

    Practice your dance moves for when your enemies fail

    Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So if you want to dance to victory, you might as well get good at it.

    RELATED: 17 Dance Moves We All Secretly Practised In Front Of The Mirror  

    Find the nearest coven and join

    You can’t tell us you’ve never thought about this. Who knows, you might get appointed Evil Supreme Leader of the underworld, and that’s a big flex.  

    Tweet “TL asleep?” and start dragging people online

    You want to waste time sleeping when you could be giving unsolicited takes on issues you have absolutely no idea or experience of? Make it make sense, please.

    Go for a run

    We see this all the time in Hollywood movies, so why not? Just watch your back because we both know Nigeria is not the safest place at the moment.

    Take Zikoko quizzes

    How can you sleep without knowing what type of pepper you are? Or what you’ll be in your next life? Or even what political office you should hold?

    Start a fight in your relationship

    No one will accuse you of not trying to spice up the relationship. I mean, what’s better than being awake at night? Being awake with the love of your life. 

    Apply for International jobs

    You want to earn in dollars but you’re sleeping when your future employer is awake? 

    My friend, better turn on your LinkedIn job alert and get serious with your future. It might not seem like fun now, but when you start seeing all that dollar in your account, it’s definitely going to be.

    ALSO READ: Five Insane Things That Could Happen While You Sleep 

  • “We Are All Smokers in This City!” — The Life of Port Harcourt Residents Under the Soot

    In early 2016, Olaedo Elemuwa woke up to black soot covering every surface of her compound in Iwofe, Port Harcourt. She struggled to breathe, and for the rest of the day, sneezed out blackish mucus. Six years later, black soot still hangs over Port Harcourt like a cloud of impending doom.

    How are Port Harcourt residents living with the health and environmental impacts of illegal oil refining in a city once nicknamed “The Garden City”?

    Port Harcourt Soot

    “You wake up and check the time; it says 7 a.m. You look out the window, and it’s looking like 8 p.m.,” Elemuwa, who has lived all her life in Port Harcourt, says.

    Port Harcourt is a major city in the Niger Delta, the country’s oil-producing region. As home to many petroleum companies, air pollution isn’t a stranger to the city and its residents. In the last six years, black soot has spread dramatically throughout the city due to the indiscriminate burning of crude oil during the illegal refining process by oil thieves and illegal bunkers.

    In 2017, the Rivers State government set up a task force to combat the soot scourge. But the following year, Port Harcourt residents, frustrated that the promises had not yielded any tangible results, launched public protests under the hashtag #StoptheSoot

    A study by the Stakeholder Democracy Network estimates that Port Harcourt now houses five times the number of illegal refineries as it did five years ago. In that time, the total supply chain of illegally refined petroleum increased 24-fold.

    But the government has tried a few things: Nigerian law enforcement and the military have raided illegal bunkers, burning hundreds of them in the process — albeit destructive actions which only further pollute the city

    So how are residents facing life under these conditions?

    Nse-Obot Afaha, a university student at Rivers State University of Science and Technology, cleans her room multiple times daily and rarely wears white clothing. “If I wash my clothes and hang them outside, black soot quickly settles on them.” Blessing Awulotu, though, has a washing machine that spins her clothes almost dry. Then she spreads them in her sitting room.

    Health professionals predict that if the soot situation persists, it could lead to life-threatening consequences for residents in the long term. AirVisual reports Port Harcourt’s particulate matter at PM2.5 concentration, 4.8 times above the WHO annual air quality guideline value. Continued exposure to such poor air quality greatly increases the risk of respiratory infections, heart disease and lung cancer. Doctors warn that more than six million Rivers State residents are at risk of such diseases. 

    Image via Ijaw Nation

    Saviour, a Port Harcourt-based trader, tells me, “We are all smokers in this city. The only difference is that it’s soot we’re smoking.” 

    And while some residents have made lifestyle adjustments to live a little better, others have migrated — but everyone can’t leave their home. 

    Precious Nwadike, a senior nurse, has chosen to stay put after turning down an offer to move to Lagos in 2019. She doesn’t think Lagos is any better. ”It stinks and has a housing problem.” Uchechukwu* is in the second year of a four-year course at University of Port Harcourt. For Blessing mentioned earlier, she can’t just leave her booming businesses as she would have to start life afresh. Olaedo Elemuwa wants to leave the polluted city, but she would feel guilty leaving her family behind — she is especially concerned for her mother, who suffers bronchitis.

    In January 2022, the Rivers State Government put a  ₦2m bounty on each illegal refinery. Some alleged offenders have been caught — In January 2022, the Nigerian Navy arrested five suspected oil thieves after simultaneous raids. But despite the tough-talking by the state government, residents claim that the illegal business continues to boom, which makes them suspect that the state’s leadership is being lenient in tackling the menace. 

    “It’s not a secret,” a respondent who asked for anonymity says. “The governor does not need to promise anybody any money. We see these people every day and we know who they are. If the government wants to catch them; they know where to look.”

    In January 2022, a video surfaced on Twitter showing officers of the Nigerian Police force attempting to resist efforts by the government to destroy an illegal bunkering site.

    Some other residents claim that the same law enforcement agents tasked with nipping the situation in the bud are also being hired by illegal refiners. “So who will they be loyal to?” a resident of Akpajo asks.

    “It’s organised crime. Even fuelling stations buy from the illegal refineries. Drivers charge these people heavily to transport the illegal petroleum products because they know what they’re carrying. These drivers pay off mobile policemen at checkpoints on the highway between Rivers and Imo state, I have witnessed this happen too many times on  my inter-state trips,” he says.

    In the face of peril, residents continue to go about their daily lives. Awulotu tells me that people generally don’t take the situation seriously. While there is the occasional outcry, people have to work to meet more pressing needs like their daily bread. After all, “Na person wey see food chop dey protest.”

    Lack of proper sensitisation also poses a problem: many residents don’t understand the severity of the situation as the soot doesn’t have immediate consequences. “Most people don’t know how hazardous it is,” Awulotu says. “They just know that if e touch your nose, black something go comot. If you carry your leg enter house, everywhere go black. 

    “Because we’re not feeling any immediate effects on our skins, it looks like we can live with us. But I know we really can’t.”

    Public health workers are convinced that there’s been a surge in respiratory and heart diseases cases in Rivers State in recent times. But a culture of poor record-keeping and tracking means it’s difficult to say for sure. 

    In January 2022, the Nigerian federal government promised to establish three modular refineries in the Niger Delta to halt the illegal petroleum refining activities and their impact on residents in the affected locations.

    Meanwhile, Blessing Awulotu looks to the rainy season for temporary succour, as she claims heavy rains disrupt activities of the illegal refineries. Meantime, she’s masking up and hoping that sometime soon, the government will “do something.”


    RELATED: Fuel Scarcity Again? Here’s the Full NNPC Gist

  • QUIZ: Which Nigerian Song Best Describes Your Love Life?

    Answer the questions in this quiz and we’ll tell you the Nigerian song that best describes your love life. Is it; ‘The Best’ or ‘Lonely’.

    Find out:

  • QUIZ: Have You Met The Love Of Your Life Yet?

    Did you miss your chance at true love? Or you’re yet to find one? Take the quiz and we’ll tell you:

  • “I’m a Minister of Enjoyment” — A Week in the Life of a Pastor

    A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” lives two lives. She’s a trader during the day and a pastor in between/when she’s not trading. For today’s “A Week In The Life”, she talks about her decision not to be a full-time pastor, balancing a 9-5 alongside her divine calling, and the many ways she enjoys herself as a human being.

    MONDAY:

    No matter what time I sleep, my body automatically wakes up at 7 a.m. The first thing I do after waking up is to prepare a light breakfast of tea and yellow crackers biscuit. 

    Breakfast ends at around 7:15 a.m. and I spend some time replying to WhatsApp messages from the night before. At around 7:30 a.m., I’m back in my bed preparing for round two of sleep. 

    Because I live two lives, both as a pastor and a trader, my day starts and ends at interesting times. On most days, I’m up till 3 a.m. praying and so I don’t leave for my shop until around 11 a.m. Luckily for me, the business I’m into — buying and selling of children’s bags, water bottles etc — doesn’t pick up until around noon so I’m good. If I was a full-time pastor my schedule would have been way more flexible. Sadly, I love my independence and I’d rather not be at the mercy of my congregation for money for food, clothing or school fees. 

    That’s why at 7:45 a.m. I turn off my data, put my phone on “do not disturb” and start my second round of sleep. When I wake up from round two of sleep, then my day will fully begin. 


    TUESDAY:

    I’m feeling nostalgic today and reminiscing about the past. It’s funny that there was a time when I wasn’t ready to serve God. At the time I received my first divine calling, I was running a fairly successful frozen food business in the heart of Lagos, and so the idea of leaving enjoyment for God seemed impossible to me. 

    God “called” me almost nine times, through people and directly, and I just let that phone ring and ring. At the time, I was certain that I was built for enjoyment alone. 

    However, calamity struck my perfect life. The abridged version is that the person who gave me capital to set up and run my business collected everything I had built and left me out to dry. 

    And so, like the prodigal son, I ended up returning to my father’s house. Ever welcoming, I was received with open hands where I enrolled into various schools under the church. 

    Since that experience, I learnt to put God first in all my dealings. I didn’t complain when I had to stop wearing trousers and weave on. I also accepted to live by the doctrine of the church. 

    In fact, when I wanted to start my trading business, I put a list of 10 businesses I was interested in with the boutique business at the top of the list. But a spirit kept on telling me that the boutique business wasn’t for me. To be sure, I gave this list to a few pastors to pray for me and a large majority ended up picking my current business. 

    As a now loyal servant of God, I let his will be done in my life and followed suit. I can say without any doubt that following God has been the best decision I’ve made. I’m not wealthy but he always makes a way for me.

    What more can I ask for?

    WEDNESDAY:

    I’ve had an interesting Wednesday. My day started as usual; I slept late, woke up to eat, went back to bed and opened the shop by 11 a.m. 

    However, today was the first day this month where I made over ₦50,000 revenue in one sale. And to think that minutes before the customer walked in I was flirting with the idea of going to the market because the day was slow. I was in the shop from 11 a.m. till 3 p.m. and not a single customer came in. Just as I was about to start packing, the man came to restock new bags, water bottles and socks for his kids. When he paid for the goods, I screamed internally.

    Almost immediately after he left, I got another call from someone in my congregation asking me to send my account number. I told the person not to bother but they kept on insisting and blowing up my phone with calls. According to the man, I was the only pastor who prayed for him without collecting money. Instead, I even gave him transport fare after each prayer session. 

    Reluctantly, I sent my account number to prevent him from blowing up my phone. When I saw the alert, I screamed out and shouted Jesus!

    This person who was having challenges at one point sent me ₦150,000 as appreciation. I still couldn’t believe it even when I called to thank him later in the day.  

    Although the day is ending now, I’m still excited about how much of a good day I’ve had. I hope the rest of my week is also filled with unexpected good tidings. 

    THURSDAY:

    I don’t go back to sleep when I wake up today. In fact, I wake up at 6 a.m., have a bath and leave my house by 6:30 a.m.

    Today is different because I’m going to Idumota market to buy goods for my shop. It takes roughly two to four hours, without traffic, to make the journey from my house at Iyana Ipaja to Idumota. 

    With traffic, I might as well sleep on the road. Out of the many options available to me, I prefer entering a straight danfo from the park to my house. Although it’s more expensive, it’s the most convenient. The other options drop me way off from my intended destination and usually involve trekking. Me, I no dey for Israelite journey. 

    At the market today, I received a shock. The goods I last bought from the market at ₦1,800 and sold at ₦2,500 are now being sold for ₦2,500 in the market. This means that I didn’t make a profit from the last batch of goods I sold. I have no option but to still buy a new batch like that. 

    It seems that nowadays, it takes the grace of God for businesses in Nigeria to thrive. Although I feel a little pessimistic, I’m deciding to trust in God’s plan for me. 

    I’m tired and overspent both physically and financially, but I’m grateful when I finally buy the last item on my list. The next stop is home sweet home. 

    FRIDAY:

    People always ask how I deal with the expectations that come with being a pastor. I tell them that as long as I honour God, respect the doctrine of my church and remain a good ambassador of the religion, I’m fine. These requirements don’t stop me in any way from being myself. 

    I’m not afraid of any man as long as I know that my behaviour is in line with God’s teaching. 

    Let me tell you something, I’m a minister of enjoyment. On days when I decide not to go to church or attend to customers or my congregation, I’ll run to Godly parties where I can enjoy myself. 

    Today is one of those days. For a few hours today, I’m closing my business and pastor life to attend a friend’s 50th birthday party. I’ve been looking forward to this party because my friend promised me that the DJ will play old school classics. Personally, I’m looking forward to screaming “Last night, I dreamt of San Pedro,” followed by  “Hello, is it me you’re looking for.”

    Whether it’s prayer, business or advising people, my guiding philosophy in life is that whatever I lay my hand on shall prosper, even if it’s enjoyment. Whatever I do, I must do it well and enjoy it. 


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • 15 Things You Should Know How to Do by Age 30

    Turning 30 can feel like the morning after a wild partying spree; you can still feel the euphoria from the night before, but you realise, “Oh shit. I have to get my life together or I’m die.”

    It doesn’t have to be so serious, though. None of us have totally hacked the whole getting-your-life-together thing. In fact, some of the expectations you have as you get older may very well be unnecessary pressure you don’t have to succumb to; like getting married or having ten kids to carry on the family name. No, mother. Please.

    Still, it’s not a bad idea to know how to do at least five things on this list before you turn the big 30.

    You’ve got this!

    1. Shoot shots (romantic and platonic)

    In this day and age of social media, it all starts with how you slide into DMs. Don’t slide in with bathroom slippers. Go in with your best suede shoes. You have to come correct if you want to find a BFF or love of your life.

    2 Hold conversations

    Sure, this might come naturally to some people, but you’d agree that “Wyd?” could be better off as “I noticed you do/like xyz. Can you tell me about that?” Try this angle and see if they keep ignoring your DMs.

    3. Apologise

    You have to learn to lower your shoulders and genuinely say “I’m sorry” when you’re in the wrong. It will feel uncomfortable, but you won’t die. We promise.

    4. Communicate

    Effective communication saves other people from trying to figure out what’s in your head (how you feel, or what you want, etc). This, too, can feel super uncomfortable, but it’s a skill you will be thankful for in the long-run.

    5. Cook beans without burning the house down

    Unless you want your landlord to come for you. Plus, life is less scary knowing that you have at least one survival skill – whipping up a decent meal.

    6. Cross the road

    Whatever you do, don’t start out by crossing at a T-junction. Start small; from your parlour to your room, a small street here and there. Learn this so your friends can rest knowing you won’t get yourself killed by oncoming traffic. Also, when in doubt, look left, look right, and look left again.

    7. Make semo/eba/amala/pap/custard without lumps

    This has nothing to do with being husband or wife material. It’s so you don’t waste these ingredients. Have you seen how expensive they are these days? Plus, the satisfaction you get knowing you did that shit doesn’t have part two.

    8. Identify a scam message/scammer

    You work too hard for your life savings to disappear in the blink of an eye. Stay alert in these physical and online streets, dear.

    9. Drive on a Nigerian road

    If this doesn’t kill you by the time you are thirty, then you’ll know that you’ve conquered it. Phew!

    [newsletter]

    10. Not catch feelings for everyone you talk to

    Do you like “breakfast” served to you on a golden platter? Thought as much. You’ll have to start by rewiring your brain, because you will meet A LOT of amazing people. The aim is not to fall in love with them all, but to experience them as they come and build connections.

    11. Get your finances together

    We don’t mean to sound like your mum, but she’s right. Saving, investing, taking stock and creating budgets are actually important things you should get a hang of before thirty if you don’t want to be an onigbese.

    12. Switch from generator to light with the speed of Usain Bolt

    As a Nigerian, once you’ve mastered this, add: “I am not your mate” to your social media bio.

    13. Say “NO” with your full chest

    You didn’t go through torturous years of adulting to be scared of offending people or establishing your boundaries. Las las , they’ll be fine.

    14. Shake your ass on a yacht

    A.k.a know how to enjoy life, after all, you literally get only one shot at it. And no, bingeing on Netflix for sixty hours straight doesn’t make the cut. Get your best buds and make beautiful memories in the outside.

    15. Give A-class head

    Rule number one: no teeth. Please and thanks. It’s okay to ask questions and figure out what works for your partner. That’s actually a way to hack it and make them call you names that’ll make you blush.

    If this article is giving zen vibes, then you should probably share it right away. T for tenks!

  • 10 Enjoyable Things That Make Life Ten Times Better

    Life can be tougher than leather, but the ten things on this list make everything better and bearable. Make sure you hold on to number four and eight.

    And if all else fails, number seven should ginger you to keep going.

    1. Good food

    What would you do without food? In sickness and in health, it never fails. There are some meals you will eat and begin to feel like superman has nothing on you.

    2. House parties

    When life gives you lemons, put on your party cloth, apply lip gloss and get ready to gbe body! Oh, let’s not forget the occasional free drink and cute people at some of these house parties.

    3. Photoshoots

    And…camera, pose, snap! Life’s too short not to dress up often, book a shoot and have banging photographs of you taken.

    Image source: Twiiter

    4. Memorable experiences

    If you don’t have things like bungee jumping, touring cities, hiking, riding in an hot air balloon or even snatching somebody’s bae on your bucket list, are you even ready to enjoy life? Please reconsider dear, you only live once. Besides, memories from these experiences will last a lifetime.

    5. Luxurious houses

    Whether you’re on a business or leisure trip, or even looking for permanent accommodation, you too deserve a luxurious house which reflects your aura. The coolest thing is you don’t need to sweat to find one as Aura by Transcorp Hotels lets you shop for quality hotels and apartments at the best prices in Africa.

    6. Get togethers

    Never shy away from an opportunity to host fun get togethers with amazing people – friends, family or even random travelers. When you add Aura by Transcorp Hotels to the mix, it becomes even simpler and more secure to host these get togethers. You get to choose your own hosting schedule, set your prices, house rules and review guest information before they set foot into your space. Awesome, right?

    7. Credit alerts

    Any amount of credit alert is better than all the scary debits you get the minute you step outside your house.

    8. Friendships

    There’s something about having that one genuine person you can call a friend that adds colour to your world. Good friends pull you up when you are down in the dumps. Better hold them tighter than a belt on a snatched waist or someone will snatch them from you.

    9. Vacations

    You’ve worked hard all year, and cannot come and kill yourself. So, why not plan an end-of-the-year vacation alone or with bae? And with zero stress too! With the tap of a button on Aura by Transcorp Hotels, you can access all the amazing experiences, luxury, food, photos, and parties which await you on the other side of enjoyment. Don’t wait till the last minute oh, to prevent “Had I known?”

    10. Perfumes

    Imagine if everyone walked around smelling like rotten kpomo? Tufiakwa! Thank heavens for nice fragrances that make us smell like a million bucks.

    Is enjoying life to the fullest your mantra? Yasss! Start by getting a taste of the Aura experience here.

  • 4 Ways To Achieve A Better Work-Life Balance

    In today’s world of remote working, where the lines between work hours and personal lines have been blurred, keeping a proper work-life balance can seem impossible. However, striking the right balance between work and play is important because it improves our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Because all work and no play (and vice versa), makes for a terrible life. Here are 4 tips on how to achieve a better work-life balance.

    1) Set boundaries between personal time and work hours:

    The Importance of Setting Boundaries work-life balance

    This is also necessary to avoid burnout. Avoid thinking about work when you leave the office. Try to have a separate phone and computer for work activities or if that isn’t possible, have separate browsers for work and personals emails. It’ll also help to notify coworkers about the hours you’ve set aside for yourself so they know to not reach out to you during that time.

    2) Make time to spend with yourself and loved ones:

    work-life balance

    You were an individual with a life before you took this job and you should make time for the things and activities that bring you joy. Like spending time with yourself or with family. Your job is important but don’t let it take over your whole life. It helps to make plans on a calendar so your brain makes it official. Remember that no one at work is going to care about you like your loved ones and if you leave today (or die), your colleagues will carry on without missing a beat.

    3) Don’t be afraid to unplug:

    National Day of Unplugging: work-life balance

    Technology has greatly improved life in many ways but it has also created the terrible expectation of constant accessibility. You may turn off your computer but with your phone or tablet synced up, you’ll still get notifications from work, causing stress when you’re supposed to be relaxing and meaning that the workday never really ends. By unplugging or not reacting to work updates during personal time, you build resilience.

    4) Remember to start small

    Think Big. Start Small. Scale Fast. - startupinitiative.com work-life balance

    As with any new change in life, remember to start small when it comes to achieving a better work-life balance. Doing this ensures that that the change won’t be so difficult, which could lead to you falling back into unhealthy life habits.

  • “Security Na Human Being” — A Week in the Life of a Security Guard

    A Week in the Life is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a security guard. He talks about being intimidated because of his job, forfeiting 50% of his salary to security companies and spending all his time at work. He also talks about his plans to escape it all.

    MONDAY:

    The first thing to do when I wake up na to thank my God because I no know wetin happen for night. And things dey occur. After thanking God for protection, all other things follow — bath, brush and toilet. By 6 a.m. sharp, I don pull boots to wear and my day begins. 

    I work one week on and one week off.  The week I’m on duty, like today, I run 24-hour shifts. This morning, the first thing I do is to walk around the compound to clear sleep from my eyes. In this job, I only get to sleep at night but last night was rough.

    Our small and tight security room with only one window was hot like an oven because NEPA took light. As a result, I had to carry my mosquito net and bed outside to sleep under fresh breeze. But it started to rain so I couldn’t sleep because there was no cover. Between the hot room and cold outside with nowhere to stay, I ended up not sleeping and pressed my phone from midnight till around 5 a.m. 

    This job is taxing [on the body] because even on a day like this, I still can’t afford to rest. I still have to be at constant alert: I have to open the gate for visitors, receive packages and ensure visitors are who they say they are. 

    I will try my best today but there’s only so much I can do with little sleep. One day, I’ll talk about the problem with this job where you can’t do anything else apart from it. I’ll also talk about the not so great pay.

    But today is not the day. Today is for surviving the day on minimum sleep. 

    TUESDAY:

    Today is better than yesterday.  At least, I slept without any disturbance last night. Even though it wasn’t deep sleep, because I was waking up to patrol every one hour, I still feel relaxed. 

    Today I’m looking back at how far I’ve come. I initially started life as a waiter in a big hotel in Lekki. Although the salary was small, I used to make at least two times my salary from tips and service charges before the end of the month. Unfortunately, due to some things that happened on the job, I got fired. 

    After that, I went to a sack production company. I started as a loom operator and then moved to become head loom manager. From there I moved to the quality control department. As I was enjoying my new career, the company folded and we were all sent home. 

    So that I’ll not just be at home sitting down idle, I decided to pursue security work while searching for jobs. It is going to be two years now since I made that decision. 

    I don’t mind the job because I find that security work is all about intelligence and using your head. It’s also not hard because we didn’t bring the job from heaven; we learned it here. Apart from the basics like checking surroundings, etc we didn’t cover a lot of new things during security training. Additionally, as a contract security personnel, I wasn’t taught about arms because I’m not allowed to carry them. 

    God forbid bad thing but if armed robbers attack now, as contract security, my job is to hide, take my phone and call the police. Because of this, I’m always reminding myself to use my senses on this job. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    It’s intimidating being a security man in Nigeria because most people assume you’re done for. They think because you’re wearing a uniform you can’t ever make it in life. The wiser ones among them understand that it’s Nigeria of today that’s pushing some of us to do the job. But the majority of people, you’ll greet them and they’ll reply with their nose. Nothing spoil. God is upstairs and he’ll answer our prayers one day. 

    I’m at work today thinking about how my current company has good people. This is the first place I’ve worked where people don’t look down on security people. Everyone here is a guy-man. But me, I still don’t pass my boundaries. I’ve learned to read body language and facial expressions to use in determining when to greet or when to keep quiet. 

    I’ve never been molested or insulted and I want to keep it that way. There’s no one to report to if anything happens with the client. Is it the security company that will save me? 

    The same company that told us that the customer is always right and the best we can do is record any incident in our logbook pending when a supervisor comes around. And God knows the company will always support the client because that’s where they’re seeing money. Is it the same company that collects ₦50,000 from clients and pays security people ₦25,000 that’ll protect us? 

    I can stand every aspect of this job but you see that poor pay? I hate it. By the 18th, 19th of every month, I’ve exhausted my money and I’m struggling to meet up. I think my situation is even worse because I’m a family man and many people are depending on the small money. 

    I’ll not lie to you, this work is somehow. I love the people I work with but I dislike the job. 

    THURSDAY:

    This job takes and takes and takes from you with nothing in return. The most recent thing it has taken from me is my church-going habit. Because of the nature of my shifts, I don’t attend church as much as before. I’m either working or resting because I’m tired from working. As a result of this, I spend extra time thanking God this morning. I read more Bible passages and sing more worship songs. 

    I know God is still with me. Even if I don’t frequent church regularly, I know that when I call on him he’ll be there for me, especially in my days of trouble. I trust that the God I serve is in control. 

    Once I’m done praying, my day begins. 

    FRIDAY:

    This is my last shift of the week and I’m happy today. I already have plans for my week off. Every day, for three hours, I’m learning how to drive at my friend’s place. My plan is that in the next two months I’ll master driving and become a commercial driver. Someone has promised that by the special grace of God he’ll buy me a car for Uber. At least, I know that one is better than a security job. 

    I won’t mind if I can even go from ₦30,000 a month to ₦80,000 — that’s still something. If that happens, I can even bring my wife and my boy to Lagos. Since I started this security job I haven’t been able to rent a house so I sent them to Benin to stay with my mum. Every month, from the little I earn, I try to send them upkeep but it’s never enough. 

    It’s been two years — since May 2019 — since I saw them last. I miss them so badly but I can’t bring them to suffer here with me in Lagos. This is July, the plan is that if everything goes well, I’ll bring them to Lagos by January 2022. I want us to be one big happy family again. 

    I know God is in control so I’m not too bothered. I’ve done many things before now and I’m not afraid to try new things. However, this job has taught me something: Security na human being. They no just fall from heaven and most of them, na condition make them do the work. More people should treat us like human beings. Sometimes, the insult we receive adds to our problem. It can be very painful when someone looks at you from up to toe and just concludes that you can never make it. It’s unfair. 


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • 7 Nigerians Talk About Growing Up As Gifted Kids And Dealing With Rejection As Adults

    I have often wondered what life is like for adults who grew up as gifted kids, and how they have managed to navigate adulthood. To get an idea of what their lives as adults are like, I put out a call for their stories and experiences dealing with rejection. Here are the responses I got:

    Osasu, 27.

    dealing with rejection as an adult.
    Image used for descriptive purpose.

    I finished top of my class from primary school till university. I even finished my bachelor’s degree with a first-class in engineering, but I severely flunked my masters. After completing my masters, I tried to get a job. I sent out between 40-100 applications, but most of them were rejections and near wins.

    Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I struggle to deal with the rejections. My current job was more like “oh well, at least bad as e bad”. I no longer send out job applications, I have no motivation for them anymore. It feels like I have peaked and there is nothing left for me to do – I feel like I am hanging on because I have to, not because I have something I am actively living for.

    I’m in therapy again, it’s my second attempt, and I really hope it works this time because I have lost faith in myself. Even though the thought of dying has crossed my mind, I can’t afford to die before Dr Strange and Wanda Maximoff fight in the Multiverse of madness.

    Adaeze, 20.

    When I was a kid, I won a lot of awards. I was not just the award-winning child, I was also the child parents wanted their children to be like. I was respectful, kind, funny, witty and smart. I did well in all my art classes, never sciences. Science was not my shit. I got promoted twice, I was doing way better than children in classes ahead of me. 

    I did really well in junior secondary school, I got 13As in my 15 subjects, but then I wrote my junior WAEC and got only C’s. I was not failing, but my A’s had become B’s and C’s. I think I got tired, burnt out probably. Nobody understood what was happening to me, my parents didn’t get it and neither did I. 

    I decided to become a writer, nothing prepared me for the rejection letters. I was getting them so often, like water. My parents started comparing people to me. it took therapy for me to finally start healing – my therapist used to say “failing is not a direct reflection of your worth” and that there are so many things beyond my control.

    With every failure I’d remind myself that it happens, life happens, and then I buy myself shawarma or ice cream. Sometimes I cry because it’s okay to be sad that I didn’t get what I wanted but yeah, eventually, it’s okay.

    I have had some good days. I won a scholarship, got some acceptance and then got a nice job. I also have some bad days- failed some tests, didn’t get into some fellowships, wasn’t qualified for some competitions, but I try to take each as they come.

    Tinu, 24.

    Growing up for me was like living in a boarding house. I didn’t really have a fun childhood like most people who lived with their parents must have experienced. My Dad is a disciplinarian to the core, we were not allowed to watch cartoons like other kids.

    I was an “A” student throughout my secondary school, I couldn’t risk my dad killing me for having poor grades and God made sure that didn’t happen. My brother got beaten mercilessly one time by my dad for having a “C” in mathematics. I remember when I was in  SS1, I got an “E” in economics, I had a panic attack and I was in tears. 

    I am currently in my final year of university and I have found better ways to handle failure and rejection. I have had academic-related rejections recently but I don’t feel too pained about them simply because they are secondary.

    I have a very close older friend I talk to about my wins and rejections. He always knows the right words to say at the right time. So it helps me to be sober for a moment and keep my head high again the very next second.

    Also, I received a lot of career/academic rejections in the year 2020. Now, when I experience one, my mantra is “WE MOVE”, the goal is not to stop moving.

    But low-key to be honest, rejections pain me o. I don’t sulk about it for more than a day.

    Damola, 25.

    I grew up being a smart child. I used to read a lot  and I always represented schools at debate and quiz. I went to JSS1 from Pry 4, skipped JSS2 to SS1, and by SS2 I had already passed Jamb. I was 13 at the time. I  had to wait a year before getting into university and I got done with Uni by 19.

    When I opted to go to art class in secondary school, the school principal contacted my parents to get me to change my mind and go to the science class instead. I took both arts and science in SS1.At home, a B wasn’t acceptable. It had to be an A

    Dealing with rejection as an adult is so fucking hard. One bad feedback or rejection is enough to have your week ruined. The sad part about being rejected is, it makes me play safe. 

    I only go for opportunities where I know that I’m overqualified. I know it’s bad because I’m not fully utilising my potentials but it’s easier than dealing with the pain of “not being good enough”. 

    Growing up, you’re the local champion, smartest in the room and then boom YOU’RE NOT! It’s a tough transition, I’m in my mid-twenties now and I’m still figuring it out.

    Ruby, 23.

    dealing with rejection as an adult.
    Image used for descriptive purpose.

    I wasn’t the typical all-rounder, I was a natural with words and logic, but struggled quite a bit with math. Which I guess made me stand out even more. I’d have the highest class average while I just passed maths, I always had perfect scores in most of the other subjects. 

    Being an adult has taught me to find an identity outside how well I do at work or what I achieve. I think that’s why many people can’t come to terms with rejection. They’ve been told that what makes them matter is what they can achieve. 

    I had to learn how to be happy despite whatever was happening career wise or academically.

    Jasmine, 26.

    Growing up, I was a star child. I was on scholarships for excellent performance. At one point, I was given a double promotion because ‘star girl lomo‘. I was not a local champion. Because of the nature of my dad’s job, I had to change schools every year. I was top of my class consistently in all the schools I went to.

     One time I was second in a new school but the following term, I was back to first position. I was even in a special class called ‘competition’ class. Pupils/students in that  class were trained specially to go for competitions for the school. 

    When I got into university, I started to struggle. University was so tough, I did not make a first class GPA in any semester.I was always ‘almost there but never there’. That was when I gave up.It was very depressing because I started to struggle. 

    The worst happened when I failed a course. A whole me, fail a course?. I couldn’t tell my parents because it was going to break their heart. Meanwhile, my father was always hammering first class into my brain.

    He was not aware of my struggles. Only my mom knew, and she encouraged me all the time and reminded me that I was a star. First class or not. I eventually graduated with a 2:1 which was a miracle because I was scared I was going to fail again.

    Right now, I don’t see myself as smart or anything. If I want to do good in anything, I have to work twice as hard. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes it doesn’t so I really don’t understand how this works anymore.

    I console myself that I am street smart and I can use my words when I need to.

    Tunde, 25. 

    dealing with rejection as an adult.
    Image used for descriptive purpose.

    I was always top of my class, from primary school till university. I was top of my class all through the duration of my degree. After university, I applied for a  postgraduate program in the US. I got on the waiting list. That seemed like a good thing till covid happened and the waiting list was disregarded. 

    I didn’t give up after that happened, it in fact increased my confidence. I applied to 6 more universities, I was certain one of them was going to accept me. When the first school rejected my application, I braced myself and hoped for the best. I was not going to be discouraged. 

    My friends continued to encourage me, they assured me that I was going to get in, but that didn’t happen. The fourth rejection came in and so did my doubt. I started to believe that I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. I hadn’t been able to react to the previous rejections, but the fourth one broke me. I cried. I wanted to pray and talk to god, but instead it was tears i got out. 

    I got on another waitlist and this time I was sure I was going to get in, but unfortunately, someone else got the spot. 

    I haven’t recovered from the feeling of being rejected yet, and I am taking each day as it comes. I recently got into a film school to study screenwriting and that is a big win for me.

  • Travelling Abroad Made Me Realise Sickle Cell Wasn’t My Fault

    As told to Hassan


    Let me tell you how it started. I woke up one morning in 1999 and my eyes were itchy. The more I rubbed, the more painful they got. When I eventually stopped rubbing, whitish-yellow fluid stuck to my fingers. Pus. It was supposed to be one of those mornings I ate cornflakes and watched cartoons; instead, I was wide awake, running to my parent’s room. 

    My parents panicked. One minute, I was showing them my eyes, the next, we were at the hospital. I don’t remember the drive. After some eye tests, we were told my eyes were jaundiced, and I needed to do more tests. One blood test later, I was given a sickle cell diagnosis. I was four. 

    My first thought was “what’s that?” I turned to my dad to ask, but his pupils were distant, lost in thought. And while I don’t recall what my mum was doing, I’m sure she must have been praying, hands clasped, eyes closed. 

    My story had started without me realising it. I would slowly come to understand that my life had changed. At first, all I had to do was be careful. But then I attended a birthday party, and because I wanted to feel “normal,” I ended up dancing until I landed in the hospital. 

    That birthday incident changed everything. 

    The first thing to go was my freedom. I now had rules: no playing in the rain, check. No swimming, check. No birthday parties, double-check. My childhood became a recurring theme of sitting out activities. 

    In the rare event that I was invited out, my friends would spend the entire day worrying about me. I was never able to enjoy those outings. 

    This continued until I got into university. As a child, my family took turns taking care of me. But in school, there was nobody to do that for me. I had to look out for myself, in addition to the tedious school work. 

    There is nothing more stressful than living with sickle cell as a Nigerian student. For non-sickle cell people, uni stress was just uni stress. For me, uni stress meant hospital visits, missed tests and exams. In some cases, I had to write exams from the hospital bed.

    Keeping friends was also a private hell. My friends would say, “Precious, do you think you should come out with us tonight, because of your health?” All I heard was “You’re going to slow us down”, “We’re not going to have fun because of you”, “You’ll land in the hospital.”

    Dating was another thing entirely. I’d meet the most interesting people, and the moment I disclosed my condition, I’d get long messages saying: “I think you’re amazing, but I don’t think I can handle this.” 

    The messages broke me and made me blame myself. Then I travelled to the UK for my masters in 2018. 

    The care I received changed my perspective. During hospital visits in Nigeria, health professionals would say, “Weren’t you here last month?” or “See you soon.” I would feel guilty and apologise every time I fell sick. In the UK, health professionals would remind me that I had no control over my health. At some point, they asked if I fully understood my diagnosis. They “educated” me about sickle cell, but more importantly, they made me feel seen by really listening to me. 

    I started to live more freely. I went out if I wanted to. My motto changed from “if I fall sick, I’ll ruin people’s plans” to “if I fall sick, I’ll go to the hospital.” 

    I enjoyed this freedom until I returned to Nigeria. There was a clash between my old identity and my newly-won identity. I had gone from the shielded child to someone comfortable expressing herself. I no longer saw myself as a sick person who couldn’t have fun. This led to friction between me and family members unwilling to understand and respect the new me.

    At this point, it had been more than 15 years since my first sickle cell diagnosis. There was a new Precious. Someone who spoke out against insensitive religious people, people who told me to pray away my sickness or that children of God didn’t fall ill. Or the ones who told me to just declare the word of God: as if it were that easy. 

    For a while, these comments almost made me feel less of a Christian, like my faith was not strong enough. I went from being a religious person to resenting the church. I started to despise the so-called religious Christians. 

    Another set of people believed I was exaggerating the pain. They expected me to be used to it by now. Their insensitivity annoys me, but that’s a story for another day. 

    https://twitter.com/bmtforpreshgaza/status/1403037416571772932?s=19

    I’m choosing to focus on the positives, like making quality friends. Friends who have an unspoken rule: “When Precious is in the hospital, we’ll take turns looking after her. No questions asked.” Friends like Salem King, aka chief caretaker, who says, “Precious, you’re not a burden.” Friends who make my journey feel less lonely by showing up for me. 

    My journey has been bittersweet. Living with sickle cell has given and taken from me. For someone who didn’t start making friends early, I now have the most amazing friends in the world. 

    When you come from a large family [six siblings] like mine, you crave independence quickly. This need is heightened if you’re the only one living with a long term condition. You grow up angry. Angry that your family members don’t understand you. Angry that no one stands up for you. Angry about your search for miracles from one church to the other. Angry that despite everything, you still need your family’s help. 

    Living with a chronic illness means I can’t refuse help from people no matter how independent I get. I teach emotional intelligence for a fee, and the fee pays for my drugs and a few hospital bills. Still, there are things I can’t do on my own. I can’t drive myself to the hospital when I’m having a crisis. I can’t look after myself when I’m on admission. 

    I’m tired of depending on people, but there’s nothing I can do. In the first quarter of 2021, my friends started a GoFundMe. It’s for a bone marrow transplant to give me a new genotype, curing me of sickle cell. 

    Immediately I announced this development, I got heat from two sides. Firstly, from my conservative northern family. They were furious that I embarrassed them by “announcing” my illness to everyone. The Christians were also enraged because they felt I betrayed God by choosing to follow science. 

    They’ll all be fine. 

    I’m doing this for me. I’m also doing this based on my newfound knowledge of God. He’s understanding, kind and he loves me.

    I’m not naive to think that it’ll be smooth sailing. But I’ll pick the pain of surgery and raising money over the pain of surviving sickle cell for 25 years.

    I’m going to fight with all I’ve got — till the end. For myself and my friends who’ve been through everything. For everyone who has suffered with me, held my hands and cried with me. 

    I’m doing this for us. 

    And when I finally get my surgery done, I’ll throw a Precious 2.0 party. I can’t wait to finally start living without thinking I’m a burden to people. 

    I’m going to learn how to swim, how to ride a bike. I look forward to dancing in the rain without fear. Most importantly, I’m going to reclaim my childhood.

    Click here to donate to Precious:


    GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/77dde500

    Flutterwave : https://flutterwave.com/pay/crg78jsohnxo

  • 4 Nigerians Tell Us What It’s Like Working at a Nigerian Startup

    On social media, many people often joke about wanting to work in tech or in startup companies in general so we decided to ask a few people who already do what that really is like.

    Cynthia, 28.
    I was excited when I got the startup job at first because I loved the company’s mission, and founder as well. They painted this impressive image online of who they were, what problems they were trying to solve, and what their work culture was, so when I got in, it was a dream come true, until it wasn’t of course.

    The first thing I noticed was that their ‘vision/mission’ was just something cute to say and get funds because, in truth, they were far from what they preached internally.

    There were so many worst parts but I’ll tell you the one that stuck out to me. No matter how great you did in your role, they’d never agree to send you a good recommendation letter. I once heard the founder telling HR to say and I quote “He got along well with his co-workers” finish. They did not even say anything about his work, this guy worked very hard.

    The weirdest thing was the founder openly being partial to team members she liked. I know she had a right to like whom she wanted but she did it without tact and it had a bad impact on the company culture.

    It wasn’t all bad though, my team members were the bomb and we’re mostly friends till this day. Because startup cultures are sometimes toxic, you and your colleagues bond well. One thing I enjoyed about the startup culture was the energy and the feeling that you’re doing something to make the world better for someone else, so that’s pretty cool.

    I know you didn’t ask me but I think that investors should look at the rate of team churn in businesses before investing because most of these startup leaders need lots of leadership training. Can you believe we had about 20 people resign in less than one year, with some of them spending 2 months before resigning? It wasn’t a huge team so 20 people meant the company literally started afresh.

    People should generally look at the churn rate before joining some companies. If they’re always hiring for the same roles, let your legs hit your head as you’re running away. Also, the HR at your startup is not your friend!

    Victor, 35.
    I have almost exclusively worked with tech startups since I started working and I won’t say it has been bad, to be honest. I just want Nigerian startup founders to stop acting like they’ve invented or founded the biggest thing since sliced bread. At my last job, I left because the founder spent most of his time being condescending to staff and belittling them. It is weird because you hired them because they are good so why go back to tell them they are stupid and should be ashamed. One day, he was shouting at a junior product manager and told her that when he was her age he was doing this and that. That was when I thought to myself ‘guy, one day it will be your turn and with your temper, you’ll do something that you’ll regret.’ I think the startup space is pretty great to work in and stuff, but it’s great when compared to traditional working spaces. On its own, man it isn’t all that. A person is expected to do the workload of three people, be on the clock 24/7, never complain and deal with rude founders/bosses.

    Patrick, 27.
    Nigerian founders are probably the ones that’ll kill their companies. It’s a bit weird seeing them pretend to be nice considerate people on social media but you that work with them will be wondering when you’ll see that version of them. My boss fired an intern the day her mother died because she came late. Many of these companies can’t retain people because the moment people actually work for them, they immediately start looking for a new place to run to because of the toxic work culture. Last year, my boss fired me because he saw me looking at calls for job applications on my laptop. I didn’t even bother doing back and forth, I was already fed up. I think startups aren’t a bad place to work at because it tends to be more progressive but some of these founders need an attitude adjustment. You are not Batman, breathe sometimes.

    Diane, 22.
    The workload almost drove me mad. I was employed as an intern as the first and then promoted to content associate. As an intern, I was doing the work of a full-time staff and was paid 60,000. I was handling social media, posting on their blog and everything. When I was promoted to content associate, my salary was increased to 120,000. The amount of content I was pushing out and for a company that was actually doing well, being paid 120,000 was an insult. I would be asked to do work on weekends, and even at night. God forbid. I quit there immediately I got a better offer.

  • I Paused My Life At 18 To Take Care Of My Terminally Ill Sister

    As told to Hassan.

    A couple of weeks ago, I overheard a doctor talking to an ex-patient. The tenderness in the doctor’s voice piqued my curiosity. During the course of the conversation, he sounded incredulous because someone had died. For someone so used to death and dying, the doctor was visibly shaken. A few prodding questions, a couple of phone calls and consent later, I had the story that led to this article. 


    My sister died at 11.47 p.m. on Friday. I’m not sure what her last words were, but she must have probably called out for me, saying, “Mummy, don’t leave me.” 

    Mummy? I can tell that you’re a little confused. To understand why she used to call me mummy, we need to go back to the beginning. 

    ***

    4 years ago:

    My sister was a vibrant, playful, four-year-old child. At least until the pain came. Young children in pain can’t fully express themselves with words because of their limited vocabulary. However, they show discomfort by either writhing in pain or becoming dull and withdrawn. In my sister’s case, it was the latter. She quickly became a shadow of herself; solemn and reclusive. Her withdrawal worsened so much that her dad, who’s actually my brother, had to beg me to take her to the hospital. 

    My first question was, “Where’s her mother?” to which he replied, “She abandoned me and ran off with another man.” — we’ll get to her uselessness later.

    So, thus began our journey of doctors, syringes and repeated rounds of diagnostic tests.

    ***

    Everyone who saw us at the hospital always asked: “Is she sick?” or “Is she visiting someone?” To which I smiled and responded, “She’s sick.” The next thing was for them to say: “How can a child this active and pain-free be sick. What’s wrong with her?” With a tight smile, I’d say: “Nephroblastoma“, pause, and add “a cancer of the kidneys.” The response would be a characteristic “Oh…”

    Another question I always got was “Who’s she to you?” To which I’d reply, “my sister.” Since we were related by blood [her dad, my brother], I preferred calling her sister rather than my niece.

    It took us six months before we got her diagnosis. In that period we had gone from one general hospital to another in Lagos before finally landing at the University of Ilorin Teaching Hospital. This change had required leaving my job in Lagos to take of her for six months in Ilorin. In that time frame, we experienced one major surgery, numerous rounds of chemotherapy, multiple blood transfusions, and various forms of brokeness. 

    Her dad would shuttle between Lagos and Ilorin and send money, grudgingly. 

    630 Nigerian Children Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

    Her mother simply never showed up or called. The most effort she made was to send her sister to take a photo of the sick child. 

    My sister got tired of waiting for her mother to show up, and she started to say: “Iya Amirat [name of my sister’s immediate older sibling] didn’t come to see me, so she’s not my mummy. You’re my own mummy.”

    This newfound bond made things tricky for me because she was always scared that I’d leave. She never let me out of her sight. She’d follow me if I had to go buy medicines, or even if I was going to the toilet. One time, she yanked off her drip because I was going to get medicine outside the hospital compound. She was definitely not letting her new mummy go so easily. 

    One thing that struck me about that period was that all the kids in the ward who had similar symptoms as my sister died. Some died while on admission, others, like my sister, died after a brief period of recovery. The doctors kept asking if we lived near a refuse or telecommunication mast or anything that might have predisposed her to the illness. To which I always answered, “No”. Then they’d scratch their head trying to figure out how best to help her. 

    The solution always came back to chemotherapy.

    One round of treatment cost us ₦15,000. And she had to undergo treatment three times a week. This was minus treatment for some of the side effects of chemo, and minus the tests she had to take before starting chemo. Every treatment cycle involved her hair falling out, a bout of malaria, a lot of blood samples, and her dad complaining that he didn’t have money. 

    When her dad asked us to return to Lagos, I didn’t put up a fight. At that point, I was tired of his complaints and I was also tired from uprooting my life. That’s how we abandoned the treatment halfway to restart our lives in Lagos. 

    Things were going well until one year later when the illness returned. Before then, she had returned to her playful self. I had also been saving from my salary to finally attend University. Our fairy tale was shattered because the sickness came back with twice as much force. Her breathing was the first to struggle, then the pain came along.

    Once again, we found ourselves back at the hospital from which we had run.

    ***

    We had barely spent a week in the hospital when my sister gave up. I’ll never forget the time because at 11:30 p.m. on that day, I had rushed to the pharmacy to get some drugs for her. At that point, she was already gasping for air. The doctor met me on my way back from the pharmacy and pulled me aside. She told me, “Your sister has given up.” I replied, “Is she sleeping?” Then the doctor said, “She’s dead.” To which I replied, “Dead bawo?”

    At that moment, I wanted to give up. I felt betrayed. After all we had gone through, she abandoned me. How could she be gone like that? I had just asked her a few minutes ago what she wanted to eat, and she had responded. What happened to our promise of beating this illness together? Did those words hold no meaning to her? 

    Looking back, the signs were there that it was her last week. She had to bend to breathe, she was always in pain, and had to lie in the foetal position to be comfortable. But we had passed through worse, so I thought this too would pass. 

    I take consolation in the fact that God knows best.

    ***

    Pain ages people. It turns adults into wizened old people, and it makes adults out of children. Part of the reason I miss my sister a lot is that we related like age mates. Even though I was eighteen at the time and she was barely five, we found a lot of common ground in conversation. I found that I could talk to her about my struggles and she could also confide in me. 

    In addition to her precociousness, she was also smart. My sister knew the name of her favourite doctors, the name of tests like Full Blood Count, or medical jargon like PCV. She also quickly learned to associate hospital gates with a lot of pain. 

    There were also extreme mood swings where things got thrown at you. Or she could become so lively and animated that you had no choice but to participate in her joy. 

    I sometimes feel guilty that her father didn’t have enough money for us to stay back and finish the treatment. Then I also get angry that her mother never showed up. In her short life, my sister learned that pain could be both physical and emotional. For that reason alone, I can’t ever forgive her mother. There’s a part of me that still believes that if her mother was present she might have held on for longer.

    I’m grateful for the experience. I’ve come to understand how precious the gift of life is. I’m grateful for the time I got to spend with my sister, however short. Most of all, I’m grateful for the privilege to be the mother she never had.


    Editor’s Note: 

    Balikis, the subject of the story shared her story to spread awareness of Nephroblastoma and to also seek ways the Nigerian government can help in the early detection of the illness. 

    [donation]

  • When I’m In Front Of A Camera, I Feel Like Wizkid Or Davido — A Week In The Life Of A Pornstar

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Juliet Simone, and she’s a pornstar. Juliet tells us about some of the stereotypes she faces in her line of work, managing her family’s expectations with her job, and how powerful she feels when she’s in front of a camera.

    MONDAY:

    I’m awake every day between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. I stand up from my bed by 6:30 am today, and the first thing I do is check my phone to see if there are any messages I missed while asleep. Then I start my morning ritual — I drink Seaman ogogoro to clear my eyes, do some squats to keep my body fit [because I don’t want to have a fat stomach], and look for something to eat. I’m done with my routine by 11 a.m. After that, I make content for my paying subscribers — I have a WhatsApp group where people pay ₦5,000 per month to see my nudes, watch me masturbate, rant or just dance. It would have been easier to manage the subscribers if I could go live on Instagram or Twitter, but I’ve been banned on both apps. I’m grateful that at least I still have my Snapchat account where I can post even though I don’t fully understand how to use that app.

    I don’t have time to be worried about Snapchat because there’s work to be done, and my major “headache” now is entertaining my subscribers on WhatsApp. I’ll video call my over 20 subscribers in batches of seven. The signs are clear that I have a long day ahead of me.

    TUESDAY:

    I don’t shoot porn videos every day because I don’t own a personal camera. Instead, I have to shoot once or twice in a week depending on the schedule of the actors, video crew and location. There’s a lot of planning that goes into making these videos. We travel outside Lagos, sometimes as far as Badagry, to make them. You can’t just say you want to act porn in your room or a hotel in Lagos. From the screams and moans alone, oversabi people will call police to arrest you for trying to murder someone’s daughter. There’s also the part of choosing the men I’m acting with because I have a preference — neat, honest, and willing to show face on camera — that must be followed. After making my choice, I invite the person for lunch to gauge them before we go for routine [HIV, Hepatitis, etc] tests. Then we can now shoot a video. 

    During video shoots, I tell my men that it’s acting we’re acting so they shouldn’t get carried away thinking it’s their girlfriend they’re fucking. I also make it clear that they must not cum in me —  they can cum on my laps, face, tummy but not inside me — because the viewers want to see the sperm.

    Anytime I’m stressed, I remind myself that it’s my channel that these videos are being uploaded to and that makes me happy. I’m excited anytime I look at my money counting and see that it’s dollars. I can’t wait till it’s plenty so I can cash out. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    People ask me if I’m shy to have sex in front of a camera. Me, Juliet, shy for what? For why? I even think I’m addicted to the camera. I’ve been acting for a while, so I’ve gained confidence. Although I started acting porn three years ago, my dream was to always get into Nollywood, so I grew up participating in dramas, teen plays and being a drama queen. I wasn’t shy when I used to act for people, why will I be shy now that it’s my channel?

    Anytime I’m in front of the camera, I feel like I’m Wizkid, Davido or even Burna Boy, and all these people are coming to look at me. I won’t lie, the first time I acted in a porn video, I didn’t know it’d go far. It wasn’t until my brother in Dubai called to say: “Juliet, you don dey act porn?” I was “Shoo, this thing is international now? This is my chance to shine.” In fact, during lockdown, I became famous again because one of my videos did like two million views. I noticed that anytime I passed my street, boys would be looking at me. It was one of my male friends that now gave me the gist that someone downloaded my video and people started sending it to themselves. Sometimes, too much of the attention in real life makes me shy, so I stay indoors. Other times when I want to do my werey, I wear my shades and don’t give them face. Is it pussy they’ve not seen before? Is it dick they’ve not seen before? — it’s everywhere. And if anybody comes to challenge me that why am I acting porn, I’ll also challenge them that why are they watching porn. Wetin carry their eyes go there? Are they also pornstars?

    THURSDAY:

    I’ll say this anywhere: I’m not addicted to sex. It’s just that I can’t see dick and run. I know that pata pata na you go tire because I don’t see sex as stress. I also don’t pay attention to that thing they call body count — how does it affect me? I can’t count how many guys I’ve fucked.  I also know that I’ll stop acting one day. I’ll move into “pure” acting and make money from my old videos. By then I’d have settled down with the man of my choice that loves me. I’m not worried because I’ve swimmed into the world and seen what’s there. 

    For the moment I’m making my money and facing my business. I’ll advise people to do the same and leave judgement between me and God. I am at peace with my God.

    FRIDAY:

    I have a few secrets. My mum thinks I’m an actress in Nollywood, and although my siblings know what I do for a living, they didn’t cast me. My dad is dead, so he doesn’t need to know. Sometimes, people whisper to my mum but I encourage her to ignore them. As far as I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rob or collect anyone’s money illegally, my life doesn’t concern anybody. If my siblings could go from an initial violent reaction when they found out I was acting porn to a cordial one, people’s opinion don’t matter much to me. 

    Another secret is that I enjoy slow fucking and not knacking-knacking like you’ll see in porn videos. I think that’s even a major reason why it’s difficult to enjoy sex while acting. If I like the guy and we’re done shooting, I’ll ask him to come and have the slow sex that I like.

    My last secret is that I don’t make friends with people outside the porn industry because they won’t understand me. And insult can even enter. But if you’re in my industry, how can you abuse me when we’re partners in crime? Even if you abuse me, it’ll be work-related — you’ll say I didn’t cash out last month or my video quality is poor — and I know you’re correcting me. Let me tell you a secret: The people insulting me about pornography will grab this opportunity I have if they see it. Them go too rush am. 

     SATURDAY:

    I can’t help but think about the pornography industry here in Nigeria because there’s potential that we’re not tapping into. There’s a lack of trust amongst us, so we don’t collaborate. You’ll watch Oyinbo porn and you’ll see crossovers and collaborations making people money. But Nigerian slogan is “Everyone be on your shoe oh because na only you know as your shoe dey pain you.” I know there’s the opportunity to make money. When I was still upcoming and working for people, I’ve made around ₦300,000 and above per month before. As long as we don’t combine resources, we can’t regulate and grow the industry. 

    I’m always looking for people to collaborate and work together because I want to blow to the extent where I can establish a business for my mum and myself. Once I remove black tax and set up a passive source of income from my old videos, then I’ll stop acting porn. Maybe then I’ll finally be free to pursue my childhood dream of acting in Nollywood.


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

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  • Naira Life: 10 Must-Read Stories

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    As we anticipate the 100th episode of the Nairalife series, here are 10 must-read episodes from the series:

    1) The Firstborn Who’s Playing Breadwinner On A ₦104k/month Salary

    I like this story for a couple of reasons. First, it’s a story about the dark underbelly of city life. I also like it because the #NairaLife before it was about a designer. Except that the previous designer was earning 10 times more than this designer was earning. When you read these stories side by side, it’s an early #Nairalife lesson for me in how a ton of factors, beyond talent, drive success.

    Read here.

    2) The Housewife Living Her Best Life With Zero Salary

    This housewife shook the internet. Why? She tried everything. 9-5’s, entrepreneurship, and you know what she chose? To be a housewife. What exactly is ambition?

    Read here.

    3) The Hustler Staying Hopeful At ₦25k/month

    The suffering in this one is immense. This guy literally trailed off whatever path he’d dreamed for himself. I can’t stop thinking about that one exam he couldn’t pay for…

    Read here.

    4) Still Fighting For Her Future at ₦60k/month

    Marriage can come at a steep cost for women, and no Nairalife epitomises this more than any. Shortly after the marriage, she got pregnant. And then everything changed.

    Read here.

    5) Bills? Over ₦6 Million/Year. Income? She Has No Clue

    This was such a wholesome conversation for me. But it was a very valuable moment of inflection for the subject. It helps that it was hilarious too.

    Read here.

    6) This 70-year-old Woman Sacrificed Every Kobo For One Goal

    I really enjoyed this one because it was the first #Nairalife peek into the 70s and 80s. This woman went through it. She remains the oldest subject of Nairalife till date.

    Read here.

    7) The Student Who Went From ₦3k/month To ₦1 Million

    Some #NairaLife stories mess up your insides. But some of them fill you with hope. This story of how one skill transformed the life of a student and his family will forever be close to my heart.

    Read here.

    8) The #NairaLife Of The Woman Who Went From Maid To Magnate

    This is my favourite NairaLife outlier story. It doesn’t get more extreme than going from maid to magnate.

    Read here.

    9) #NairaLife: How Did She Grow Her Income By Almost 600%? Language

    This is another outlier story that I really love. There’s time, chance, and a wild income jump!

    Read here.

    10) The #Nairalife Of A Depression

    It’s common to hear people talk about “Oh, go to therapy.” This Nairalife is about what it’d look like if people went to therapy. Frankly, the subject of this Nairalife even got lucky.

    Read here.

  • “I’m Not Scared Of Death, But Old Age Terrifies Me” — Man Like William

    What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.

    “Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.


    The subject for today’s “Man Like” is William. He’s a husband, father and entrepreneur. He talks about being scared of old age, the benefits of contentment and why a supportive partner is everything.

    What was it like growing up?

    I had everything on a platter of gold to an extent because Popsi worked in an oil servicing company before he retired. My primary school was okay. In secondary school, I was fine. When I entered university, I was on a Mobil scholarship, so money was never an issue. Even NYSC was smooth. It was post-NYSC, when I got married, that things started to hit me.

    What happened?

    I had my “I’m now a man” moment.

    Haha. I want to hear about it.

    Before marriage, I was a YO man. That’s what you young people call OYO these days — On Your Own. Let me give you context. As a corper, I was being paid ₦21,000 as a pharmacist. I was also earning a ₦7,500 allowee. This was at a time where my mates were earning ₦6,000 monthly. I had scholarship money saved up from university and had also done the mandatory one-year internship for pharmacists, where I made more money. While my mates were taking buses to their NYSC camps, I was catching flights. 

    Ahan. 

    So, I was making money, saving and spending mainly on myself. When I decided to settle down and start a family, it hit me that I had to carefully make major decisions because it was no longer only me. 

    Marriage became the difference between seeing and buying a nice tennis shoe I’d eventually dash out and telling myself to save. When a baby came into the picture, I had to buckle up. 

    It wasn’t easy the first time my wife told me a tin of SMA Gold had finished under two weeks. I was like, we have to buy another one? That was when I knew it was not child’s play. I had to be a man or else I’d run into money issues. Although I was fortunate that my wife was employed; it made the “pressure” easier. But you know how it is na. You don’t want to start sharing responsibilities that early. You don’t want to say you buy this, while I buy other things. You still want to say, “Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll handle it.” But that was before oh, now that things have hit hard, omo, we are sharing this thing. I can’t come and kill myself. 

    Scream. 

    How did you decide your wife was “the one”?

    In the past, my criteria used to be physical appearance. I painted an ideal picture growing up — complexion, height, accent, physique. As I got older, I realised that beyond looks, manners are important. 

    I can’t stand bad manners and people who aren’t respectful. I also don’t believe a person will change in marriage. At least, not unless they decide to. For me, I looked at the criteria I wanted and screened people for them. I won’t say because you have a fine face let me go ahead and marry you. It won’t work because it’s for better or for worse. 

    I’m with you. 

    Another thing I looked out for was some measure of financial independence. You see all those people you meet and haven’t dated but they are already telling you about their sick parent or bad phone, I avoid them. I was fortunate to meet someone who fits into what I wanted.

    Single people are shaking.

    [laughs]

    I’ll be honest with you, there’s no 100% person. Not you, not your spouse. What I was looking for was cut down to let’s say 70%  because I wanted someone tall. However, as I grew older, I realised that the only thing that matters is that your partner gives you peace of mind. Every other thing is an addition.

    You can’t see me, but I’m furiously jotting down.

    Lol.

    I was going to ask: what scares you?

    Two things scare me. The first is poverty. Not being able to afford what I want is a major fear for me because I’ve come from a background where I was able to get anything. At least, most things.  

    Recently, I’ve seen myself wanting a few things and checking my balance to say, “No you can’t afford this.”  Some people out there look at me as someone comfortable, but I still look at myself when I want to get something. These days, I’m asking myself questions like, “Is it necessary? Is it a need?”

    I ask myself how will I survive if I don’t have money, to the point where my kids will ask for something and I can’t give it to them or I have to ask people to help me pay school fees for my kids? That scares me. 

    Me too.

    My other fear is old age. I fear that a time will come when I wouldn’t be able to take a step without fidgeting especially when I get up from the bed to urinate.  I’m not even scared of death. I don’t want to be dependent on people.

    I saw my dad go through that. Sometimes Popsi would tell me he’s going to ease himself and before he gets to the restroom, he’d have done it on himself. They used to call my dad baby boy when he was younger because he could jump around and he was the life of the party. All of a sudden, old age made him into something else. Kudos to my mum because I know what she went through. 

    I don’t look forward to it because I don’t want to be a liability. 

    Mahn. What now gives you joy?

    If you consider Nigeria’s wahala, you’ll look for joy and not find oh.

    Lmaoooo.

    On a more serious note, apart from my family, looking inwards gives me joy. My joy is not based on the external. I’ve learned not to place my joy in material things because it’ll break your heart. I’m armed with the knowledge that I have a measure of good health. 

    At least for now. I find joy in my sound health because I know I can leverage on opportunities when they come. A measure of belief and spirituality also gives me joy. Spirituality is a belief, and it’s a major source of joy for a lot of people. Having something you believe in makes tough times easier to handle.

    Interesting. Tell me about a time placing your faith in material things broke your heart.

    After my NYSC year, I didn’t practise as a pharmacist. Instead, I got a job at the bank. Fast forward a couple of years later, I left the job.

    I left with a lot of hope. I was telling myself that in two years, I’d set up a retail pharmacy and blow. I put all of my hope into it. After a year plus, I realised it didn’t give me what I was looking for. Also, I lost a lot of money. 

    I dusted myself and re-invested in another pharmacy business which is currently threading the path of the first one. I also remember at some point in my life, I used to think that once I got something, I’d be made for life. Especially when I wanted my job at the bank. And guess what? After getting some of them, I didn’t stop seeking for more. It left me wanting more and more. All of these are material things. 

    That’s why politicians keep stealing billions. The money doesn’t give them the kind of joy they’re searching for. It plunges them into a further search for joy and happiness. I live every day as it comes. I tell myself today is a beautiful day, and I want to be happy. Joy, happiness, all these things are a personal decision. 

    Has anything threatened your new mantra? 

    Sometimes when life gives you what you don’t expect, it reduces your ego, your masculinity. Men believe what makes them men is their spending power. To comfortably boast and say, “Do you know who I am?” And be able to back it up. But when you watch businesses fail in front of you, it’s easy to feel less of a man. 

    One day, my wife looked at me and said, “You’re feeling moody these days.” I was like, I don’t know what the problem is. She looked at me and said: “You’re thinking about money right?” I just smiled. Unconsciously, even if you want to be tough, these things have a way of getting to you. 

    I’m sorry. How have these things changed you as a person? 

    Life is weird because you never know when it’ll give you that hard knock, especially in Nigeria. What makes you a man is that when you get the knock, you don’t stay down. You have to keep trying and hoping something works. There’s a time for everything and if your “time” doesn’t come, you have to ask yourself: “Are you happy?”

    I want you to answer the question. Are you happy? 

    Yes.

    What are the things that make you happy?

    Contentment. If I have a CRV and it’s taking me to where I want to go, I’m fine with it. This doesn’t mean I’ll not hustle for more. But I’ll ask myself: do I have a car? Yes. Does it do what I want? Yes. Why do I want a better one? — is it because I envy someone driving a better car? 

    While doing my best, I must be content with where I am right now. I must also carry the hope that I’ll be better. Things will be better. For me, this is better than jumping the gun and looking for money at all costs. If I’m content, I’ll be happy. My new definition of masculinity involves learning to be a simple man. 

    Lit. How’s your wife taking all this?

    Remember that time she asked if I was thinking about money? I smiled and didn’t say anything. She told me not to worry, that the current financial situation wasn’t a big deal. Having a partner that tells you not to worry during a tough time is a blessing. When I heard her soothing voice, I was like, it’s all good. We’re in this together. It’ll pass. 


    Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.

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  • 6 Nigerians Narrate Their Near-Death Experiences

    Close shaves with death have a way of putting things in perspective; all the ice cream you decided not to eat because of fitfam, all the sex you didn’t have because you were saving yourself for marriage, all the trips you didn’t take because you were saving money. A close brush with death isn’t as uncommon as you’d think. You probably just didn’t notice the time a car almost hit you, or when you just missed an ill-fated vehicle or the time you contracted a virus but your antibodies barely saved the day.

    Others aren’t so lucky. They’ve had to stare death straight in the face, for some people, multiple times. I spoke to six of those people.

    Tobi, 24

    I was eight and spending the holiday at my Grandma’s. Like every eight-year-old, I was bored and constantly seeking things to keep me busy. One day, I found a paint bucket with one side of the handle broken off. I ripped it off and started swinging it in the air like a sword. Soon, I got bored of that too.

    I looked around and saw a rarely-used electric socket and the devil decided to use me. “What would happen if I stuck in the bucket handle?” I thought. So I poked in one end of the metal in one of the socket holes and turned it on. Nothing appeared to be visibly happening so I thought maybe I needed to plug in the other end too. I forgot I’d left the socket on and grabbed the metal handle.

    The shock flung me to the other end of the room. I was unconscious for a while. I couldn’t move for a while, couldn’t breathe properly and noticed that all the veins on my palms were white. When I was eventually able to move, I didn’t even bother to turn off the switch. I just left the room. After the veins on my palm returned to normal, I summoned the courage to turn off the socket. I tried removing the handle from the socket but it appeared to be stuck so I left it there.

    Femi, 30

    Every year, something is trying to kill me. I’ve been shot at, survived four car accidents and a plane crash landing in Morocco. Funny thing was, the flight was already overbooked and had to fight for a seat on it.

    The one that almost took me happened in 2016. One time, while I was travelling from Lagos to Abuja, we were waylaid by armed robbers around Lokoja. We fled into the bush and while I was running, a bullet hit the laptop in my backpack.

    Another time, I had driven five hours to go beg my ex who was apparently already dating someone else. I cried all night. On my way back, I slept off while driving. I crashed into the embankment, which was the only thing stopping me from falling down a cliff.

    The most poignant experience happened a  years ago. I had gone in for an appendicectomy. It went seamlessly until, post-surgery, the pain of the stitches became unbearable. I kept asking for painkillers and this cute nurse, for whatever reason, kept pumping me with morphine.

    Now, I’d never had morphine in my life, so I was what doctors call “opioid-naive.” I had a bad reaction to it and stopped breathing. As I was slipping into unconsciousness, I could make out blurry outlines of people rushing to my side with oxygen and other equipment. Then everything went black.

    It felt like I was in a vacuum. No sound, no light, no movement. I couldn’t even make out where I was. It was pitch black. I was aware of my own presence but nothing else. Just suffocating blackness. I have no idea how long this lasted but all of a sudden everywhere lit up. Turned out it was a doctor shining a pen torch in my eye.

    I don’t know which one disappointed me the most, that there is something on the other side or that it is just black and empty. I wonder if that’s what nothingness is.

    JayJay, 22

    During the lockdown, my sister and I were heading back from my aunt’s place after spending two weeks with for Eid. My mom was alone and sick at home, so we had to break Ogun state lockdown rules to go home. The driver of our bus was pretty reckless. We didn’t thin pay it much mind; after all, most bus drivers are reckless. My sister and I were quite uncomfortable, but we chalked it up to being worried about our mum’s health. 

    Right after MFM camp, a trailer crashed into our speeding bus while it was trying to avoid another motorcycle. My sister was seated in the middle, so she got off lightly with a few bruises. I wasn’t so lucky. After we collided with the trailer, my right leg slipped and was stuck between bus’ doors. When a car behind slammed into the bus, I was jolted forward and left leg twisted behind me.  I would 100% sure I would have died. My saving grace was that I held my travelling bag in my laps instead of in the boot, out of sheer laziness. It helped cushion me from slamming against the seat in front of me.

    The bus seat came crashing down on us and when the bus stopped, the passengers were stomping on my twisted leg while trying to get out of the bus. Meanwhile, my right leg was still stuck in the door.

    The pain was excruciating. I kept screaming in Yoruba until I lost consciousness. I woke up a few minutes later, still stuck in the bus. My sister was beside me, crying and screaming for help. I was dragged from the bus to the side of the road. The other passengers twisted the broken leg back in place. It was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt.

    I was taken to the hospital and put in a cast. I couldn’t walk for weeks. The funniest part was, instead of worrying about my life, I kept wondering if my boyfriend would still date me if my legs we amputated, LOL. I even told my sister to call him first, instead of my mother. Luckily, my legs are fine and my boyfriend was supportive. These days, I call him when I’m on buses so he can distract me because I still have panic attacks from the accident.

    Richard, 27

    It was just after my university graduation. My parents called me to congratulate me and me to stay in school till I could come home. I, being the good kid they thought I was, lied and said I had no plans. Meanwhile, we were planning on a graduation party. It was the first party I’d ever attend because I’m pretty boring. I definitely did not want to miss out on my first party. I even snuck out of school to buy an outfit for the party.

    Sunday evening, the big boys in school pulled up with their rides and I tagged along with my coursemate who was going to the same party. We stopped at Shoprite, Lekki and bought more alcohol more than we had fuel in the car. I’d never tasted alcohol at the time either so I was excited. We arrived at the party and was astounded by the amount of weed and alcohol available and the number of girls there. We partied all night. I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes (it was my first time smoking too). My friends then offered me weed and alcohol till I was in a state of stupor. 

    A couple of hours later, I was still up but staggering. Everyone I came with was with drunk or high. The driver said he was fine and could make it back to school before 7 am. I couldn’t offer to drive because I couldn’t at the time. We set out for school and I dozed off on the way. I woke up on the Third Mainland Bridge and found that the guy driving had slept. I shouted and he woke up, but it was too late for him to do anything. We were headed straight for the lagoon.

    The car vaulted up the concrete guardrail and stopped, the front tire literally hanging by an inch off the iron guardrails. Had I not woken up, we would have plunged straight into the water at full speed. My mom called by 7 am, saying she just felt like checking on me, not knowing that I was inches from certain death a few minutes ago. It was weird as hell. I’m thankful I’m still here today.

    Ayo, 28

    I’ve had a couple of experiences. One time, I was in a major car crash on my way to the club after I had lied to my parents that I was going to a vigil. Funny enough, that’s not my closest shave.

    In 2006, I was standing on a balcony in secondary school with some of my friends. A crush of mine at the time called me to go buy food for her. I pretended not to hear and continued to talk to my friends. They were teasing me about my crush sending me on errands so it made me more determined to ignore her.

    Suddenly, she came over to where I was and dragged my shirt. That was probably what saved me. Immediately she pulled me from where I was standing, the second-floor balcony we were standing on gave way, and I was hanging in the hands of my crush, by my collar. Other classmates rushed to pull me up to safety.

    Three people died and many more were injured. One of my friends who I was standing with had to have major surgery on his head. I owe my life to Victoria.

    Chizy, 31

    I’ve had a few near-death experiences,  from surviving 2 ghastly motor accidents before I was 9, to slipping in the pouring rain and hitting my head on a slab and passing out. No one found me till I woke up, but the one that stuck with me was Christmas eve of 2015.

    I overdosed. My folks had travelled to the east for Christmas while I stayed behind in Abuja, alone in the house. My friends and I were supposed to go to a block party, so I drank a mix of codeine and Sprite. The party was supposed to start at 11 pm. By 10:30 pm, I started feeling uneasy, like my lungs weren’t filling up to capacity. I was short of breath and dizzy, so I told my friends I was gonna head home and crash a little before the party. 

    When I got home, I could barely walk. I collapsed on the sofa and nothing was working except my eyes. I knew I was in trouble. Before I passed out, I remembered to turn on my  side to minimize the risk of asphyxiation (choking to death)., I woke up by 8 am the next morning to see that I had indeed vomited. I could have choked and died in a pool of my own vomit.

    Read: 6 Nigerians Narrate Their Wildest Experiences When They Ate Weed Edibles

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  • “People Ask Me For Body Parts” – A Week In The Life Of A Mortician

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject for today is Mr A, a mortician. He talks about his first day on the job, people asking him for human parts, and why he lives intentionally.

    MONDAY – TUESDAY:

    The sound of my phone ringing is the first thing that wakes me up today. Mid-sleep, I hear my boss shouting at the other end: “What do you know about the body that’s smelling in the department?” “Come to work now!” Before I can explain myself, she cuts the call.

    I jump up from bed, have my bath and quickly rush down to work.

    From the gate, I see people covering their nose. The source of the odour is a three-day-old body in the morgue. When the body got to the mortuary, the relatives couldn’t pay for embalming, so my boss didn’t release the necessary ingredients even after I pleaded for the go-ahead while the family members were out raising money. But now, because of the escalated smell, everyone is suddenly feeling charitable. 

    At the office, my boss is shouting, so I remind her of her role in our current situation. This calms her down. I then state my case: We can’t embalm the body until late at night because there’s no protective gear and I don’t want house flies from the body to lay eggs on me. I don’t want to carry a disease that’s not my own before people say I got an infection from being promiscuous. The government doesn’t care about our safety, so we must protect ourselves. Before I’m even done talking, the ingredients for embalming have appeared out of nowhere – she just wants the smell gone by this time tomorrow.

    I tell her that all we can do is wait until midnight.

    Midnight:

    I like working at night because there’s no disturbance. I work faster because I have complete focus. Embalming is meant for social gathering, for people to pay last respects to the body in open caskets. In some cases, it’s used to “beautify” bodies that have been deformed through accidents – it helps hold the body together for a befitting burial. 

    The embalming ingredients we use are sodium chloride, water, eosine and hydro formalin. Contrary to what people think, we don’t remove the organs when we embalm bodies. We mix the ingredients in a keg and set a line [in the femoral artery or humerus] for the body so that the fluid enters into the body. However, before doing anything, we first wash the body. [Editor’s note: Morticians don’t worry about smell after a while because it becomes part of the job]

    I can tell that it’s going to be a long night ahead. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    It’s funny that I started working with dead people because of the living. My old job didn’t allow me to spend time with my family and that’s why I chose this job. 

    One day, my friend asked if I was open to any other work and I said why not? As long as they pay me a salary and it doesn’t disturb family time, I’m ready. That’s how I started this work. 

    I’ll never forget my first day here because they put me on night duty. I sat down outside and my head doubled in size. I couldn’t sleep because someone on night duty shouldn’t be sleeping. I was just consoling myself that shebi day will break, today is today. That’s how I did the first night, then I did the second night too. 

    Then I now learned how to bath dead bodies.

    I was so scared to hold their hand because I was worried that any small touch would disconnect the shoulder. I used to think that embalming made the skin parboiled, therefore any small touch would break the body. It wasn’t until one day when my senior colleague shouted at me to hold the hand that I got over myself. That’s how I used confidence to scrub the back of the corpse. Since then, I’ve become an expert. I can now bathe a body at any time of the day without help. 

    Today, I’m just thinking that with all my skill, someone should just come and tell me: “Let’s be going to America.”

    THURSDAY:

    Something happened at work today that made me happy. A man with a jeep came to the mortuary asking for “small human meat,” and my colleagues and I handled it well. I was glad to know that we haven’t allowed evil people to mix with us in this department.

    I’m still wondering why someone would ask me for the flesh of a human being that I can’t create. So that curses will come to me? Or my children? God forbid. 

    He offered me ₦5 million and even houses. Little does he know that the bible has chained my hand and money can’t confuse me. My colleagues and I told him to check back in some days because when you pursue them away like that, they’ll be targeting you. They feel that you now know their face and what they do. The plan is that after some days, we’ll say that there are no fresh bodies because we embalm them immediately they come in. We’ll also say that if we cut out anything, we have no way to preserve it, so it’ll start smelling. That’s the story we are going with because even the bible says that bless thy child that uses wisdom to do things. 

    I remember another case where a woman came asking for cotton wool from the mouth of a dead person. She said she needed it to cure her daughter. I know that it’s used as a commanding tone when mixed with juju: if they tell you to stop, they don’t born you well not to stop. She even offered me money, but I told her that since it’s “healing,” there’s no need for money. I told her that I wished I could help, but we had no corpse with an open mouth. I then advised her with a sad face to try another mortuary.

    Another time, a man came for that same cotton wool because his wife was wayward. This one even offered to soak it in the mouth of the corpse himself. So, I asked him if he’d bring any of his family members so he could soak it by himself for as long as he wants. For his family member, he can do whatever he likes because it’s unfair to ask me to do that to another person. I think that’s the first person I lost my temper for.

    The problem with many people is that they don’t wait for God’s time. I know that if I’d been allowing such people, I would have built an estate by now. I’m not rich and I’m not poor, but I’m okay with my life.

    FRIDAY:

    This work has opened my eyes to many things especially how the world works. The wahala on a dead body is far more than the one on a living person and if you have eyes, it’s a lesson for how you live your life.

    I heard of a case where the husband brought the wife to the hospital and she died. Then the woman’s family now claimed that the man divorced her, so he can’t bury her. To prevent a fight, the management told them to settle the matter in court. It has been almost five years and the woman’s family has refused to show up in court. Not even once. The body has been in the morgue since then. I heard that every Friday, the man still goes to the mortuary to check on his wife. He can’t even give her a proper burial, he can’t do anything. In this job, I have seen many cases like that.

    I thank God for this understanding because it has made me focus on my family. I am the same age my father was when he died. His death meant that I couldn’t further my education, but I thank God for mum. She tried with what she had and I’m sad she didn’t get to enjoy more. I tell myself that if God can spare my life this long, there’s no reason why I should not spend all my money making sure my children go farther than I did. 

    Today, I’m thanking God for his mercies in my life. I can proudly say that I have one daughter who’s a university graduate, and another child about to enter the university. What more can I ask for? 

    SATURDAY:

    I was telling someone today that money is not everything. If you give me a hundred million on one hand, and you put 10 minutes of advice, on the other hand, I’ll drop the money.

    Advice will take me farther than money will or can. If I start with a hundred million, I’ll misbehave because money is a spirit. It’ll push me to talk to people that I should be avoiding. I know that I’m not a saint, so I know that I’ll offend many people.

    I like this work because it reminds me to caution myself against the distraction of life. Life is simple, and you shouldn’t take anything hard. You should be humble. If you’re in a post, remember that one day, you’ll return to the soil. If you have that constant reminder, nothing will be too much to dash out. 

    See them here [dead bodies in the morgue], they can’t raise their hands, they can’t bathe themselves, they can’t do anything. See the morgue [opens vaults to show dead bodies], this is where we all end. 


    Editor’s note: Name changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • 10 Ways Attitude To Work Differs In The First Month VS After One Year

    If you’ve ever worked a job for an extended period of time, then you’ll relate to this.

    1) Punctuality:

    First month: I must get to work early.

    After one year: Let me sleep 30 minutes more. I’ll lie that police stopped me.

    2) Attitude towards KPI:

    First month: I must die for the company.

    After one year: I can’t kill myself.

    3) Attitude towards salary:

    First month: Oh my God, this is a lot of money.

    After one year: You people pay me peanuts for the amount of work I do.

    4) Behavior at work:

    First month: Hi.

    After one year: My peeeeoooppleee! How una dey?

    5) Attitude towards overtime:

    First month: I’ll work public holidays and weekends.

    After one year: Jesus died so we may live. I no do.

    6) Toilet manners:

    First month: I’m going to wash my hands in the toilet.

    After one year: I dey go shit.

    7) Gratitude level:

    First month: This is a glorious opportunity.

    After one year: It’s all a scam.

    8) How you respond to “Do you love your job?”

    First month: It’s the best thing ever.

    After one year: We thank God. Once there’s life, there’s hope.

    9) Attitude towards criticism at work:

    First month: I must be perfect so they don’t find fault in my work.

    After one year: No one ever died of insult.

    10) Loyalty:

    First month: I’m going to work here till I die.

    After one year: In case you see anything, I’m open to new opportunities.

    Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments section.

  • It’s A Pity That These Adult Problems Don’t Get Enough Credit

    If you’re an adult then you’ll relate to one or more of these adulting problems we all face:

    1) Deciding on what to eat.

    Rice, bread, rice, bread – Rinse and repeat. I can’t decide on what to eat for more than three days before I start to repeat food.

    2) Deciding on what to wear.

    Especially on a first date. Or when they say “work casual.”

    3) Knowing how to ask for a raise at work.

    No manual for this one oh.

    4) Learning to say NO to black tax.

    If anyone figures out how to do this, let me know.

    tired

    5) Time management.

    Help! The weekend is never enough and the week days are too long.

    6) Making friends after university.

    Friendships after a certain age just doesn’t slap like before. In many cases, it feels guarded.

    7) Dealing with impostor syndrome.

    Generally just learning that everyone is faking it until they make it. It’s just that everyone seems so well put together.

    8) Deciding to switch place of worship.

    Good luck explaining to your parents why you want to switch from their church or even religion.

  • 5 Times Cold Eba Can Save Your Life

    Cold Eba gets a lot of slander, and if it was human I’m sure it would have taken “legal steps”. But when I still used to go to Church, I remember the Pastor once saying that the foolish things of this world will be used to confound the wise. So yes, cast not away that cold eba. It just might save your life.

    I present to 5 times cold eba can save your life:

    1. WHEN YOU HAVE HOT SOUP

    2. WHEN IT’S A DAY OLD

    3. When You Don’t Want a Bitter Aftertaste

    Oyinbo say “what is dead may never die”, and feminists say “you can’t shame the shameless”. In other words, if you want to have a meal that dosen’t leave your tongue feeling one kain, try cold eba. It’s cold anyway, you taste buds will be numb to it.

    4. When You’re Looking For A Sleeping Pill

    One of those people who have trouble sleeping? Try cold eba. Once the heavy coldness hits the pit of your stomach, you’ll start snoring like a bricklayer in no time.

    5. When You Want To See Tekno Angry

    https://twitter.com/gidifeedtv/status/1228666533553025024?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1228666533553025024%7Ctwgr%5E&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.kemifilani.ng%2F2020%2F02%2Fsinger-tekno-laments-over-strong-eba-video.html

    I really don’t know why you’ll want to see Alhaji Tekno angry, but then again, he’s only human. So if you have anger issues and you’re this close to committing suicide, Tekno has shown that you can rob your kporororo in Eba’s kpotokpoto. WHATEVER.

    We also have premium gist on eba’s younger brother, Garri. Read up: 5 Garri Combinations That Will Give You Stomach Orgasm.