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Lies | Page 2 of 2 | Zikoko!
  • 8 Lies You Need To Watch Out For In Nigerian Markets

    8 Lies You Need To Watch Out For In Nigerian Markets

    It kills me when movies make it look like clothes shopping is the most fun experience on the planet. I bet they would rethink that stance if they ever went shopping for clothes in Nigerian markets.

    Nigerian markets are designed to stress you. The whole idea is to wear you out so the sellers can successfully use Houdini-style trickery to make you buy a ton of stuff you don’t need/want, leaving you to let out a defeated “NO!” when you get home and all the shirts you bought fit like training bras.

    Remember the Houdini-style trickery I mentioned earlier? Turns out that it’s not that complex. All you have to do is listen closely to for lies so you don’t fall victim.

    Lies like:

    They actually have no idea who you are and only say this to make your lower your guard.

    They’re not from your tribe. A lot of these people are bi-lingual and switch tribes depending on whoever walks into their shop. I won’t even lie, it’s a neat trick. I’m super impressed whenever I see it happen.

    They, in fact, just called price for you and intend to cheat you. They’ll seem super convincing too, swearing on the graves of their parents who, unbeknownst to you, aren’t even dead.

    Wheeeew chile…the ridiculousness.

    These niggas will have you, a sane human, out in public chewing on leather belts and slippers like some kind of goat. Next thing you know, you’re trending on Twitter.

    It’s not the same price everywhere. They want to rip you off and just don’t want you walking off and buying it cheaper elsewhere.

    Sis (and I mean this in a gender-neutral way), that thing is not your correct size and does not fit you die. They say this when they know you can’t think straight because you’re too exhausted from walking everywhere.

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

  • All The Things We Say We Will Never Do Again But Somehow Still Do

    All The Things We Say We Will Never Do Again But Somehow Still Do

    1. “I will never call my ex again”

    Well, guess who’s calling their ex?

    2. “I will never use (insert your most frustrating network provider here) ever again”

    Then the network comes up with some ridiculously amazing tariff plan and of course, guess who’s buying a recharge card?

    3. “Data is so expensive! I’m not buying data ever again!”

    Yeeeaahh…right…

    4. “I’m never drinking (insert favourite soda here) ever again”

    Guess who’s buying a bottle of coke for lunch?

    5. “I’m never drinking alcohol ever again”

    We all know how that ends. TGIF and a bottle of Orijin…without the zero.

    6. “I’m never going on Twitter ever again”

    Uh…yeah…sure

    Now if you like food very very much, this post is just for you:

    https://zikoko.com/list/9-things-happen-like-food-much/
  • 12 Presidential Campaign Posters That Were Pure Lies

    12 Presidential Campaign Posters That Were Pure Lies

    We know that politics is a messy game and politicians can never be trusted. When it comes down to it, they’ll tell you whatever you want to hear that will get you to put your guard down.

    And then after they’ll come and be doing you anyhow.

    Their campaign speeches and posters are always full of promises. Then when they get into power, they’ll start to change mouth.

    Just look at these 12 campaign posters from the 2015 elections and see all the lies that full everywhere.
    Bros Ambode promised to “make Lagos work for all”, but the people of Otodo Gbame community beg to disagree. Lagos is not working for them at all. Like, not one bit.
    So many promises for “a better society”, but markets are getting demolished “by mistake”. Is it fair? No, is it fair?
    These ones promised us electricity, affordable kerosine and security. How much more electricity and kerosine have we had? Just how much more secure do we feel?
    Zero corruption? Discipline? Of who? By who?
    Are our passports not still being made in Malaysia? And what about the GEO bill that has been lingering in the Senate forever? What is being done about it?
    Maybe this campaign poster was seeing into the future, because it cannot be a representation of any kind of reality; whether past or current. Which inflation went down? Is it the one in formerly rotund bellies heavy with food? Okay, okay…maybe it’s that one.
    Eyss, just move away with your nonsense trust. Is it you that cannot trust Naija doctors to take care of you? We should now trust you to do what? You’re looking for our trust, where is your own?
    Erm..there’s sha still bad roads now. Infact, worse roads sef. So…hafa?
    I’m not even sure which generation they’re talking about.
    Which good term? No vacancy ko, no accommodation ni. Isn’t it another person that is there now?
    This one is just a big WAWU! All the many incidences of Fulani Herdsmen attacks and religious killings, how many have been addressed personally by the Government? Abeg, abeg…comot for here.
    Hmm! Only saviour indeed! In that case Nigeria is already doomed then. If her “only saviour” has left for medical checkup. How will we ever survive? Who will deliver us?

    Nigerian politicians are just one kind, and this next post is proof:

    https://zikoko.com/list/10-times-meme-aptly-described-nigerian-politicians/
  • 5 Things You Can Do To Avoid A Yanma-Yanma NYSC Posting

    1. Claim you are pregnant.

    Sorry, baby on board!

    2. Go and forge a wedding certificate.

    I need to cling to my beloved.

    3. Borrow somebody’s toddler and carry them to register.

    Who will help me take care of my baby?

    4. Claim you have one funky disease.

    It’s called “INoFitPhobia”.

    5. Just don’t bother doing NYSC. You will kuku not die!

    I am not doing!
  • 10 Incredible Lies We All Stupidly Believed Growing Up

    1. When your mom told you your stomach would pain you if you sit down on a mortar.

    …because you  sat on it that morning!

    2. When you started your period and your mom said you’ll get pregnant if a boy touches you.

    But Tunde touched me in class o!

    3. When they told you not to beat your junior brother with stick or he’ll become impotent.

    It doesn’t make sense!

    4. When your dad told you your shadow will chase you in the midnight if you keep playing with it.

    And you thought hiding would help your case.

    5. When they lied that you’ll lose your voice if you spit on the road.

    And you believed without evidence o!

    6. When they said evil spirits will chase you if you hiss at night.

    Is it that deep?

    7. How you rushed your beans when your mum said it will make you very tall.

    But you’re still short though!

    8. You, when you swallowed an orange seed and your mom said a tree will grow in your tummy.

    A whole tree in my tummy!

    9. When they said your tummy will gum together if you swallow chewing gum.

    Yeepa!

    10. When you were making funny faces and your grandma said your face will remain like that forever.

    Ah! Abeg oh, it was just small play!
  • If You Know A Semi Professional Liar You Can Relate

    If You Know A Semi Professional Liar You Can Relate

    1. When you suggest they tell the truth.

    Never! Not when lying is still an option.

    2. When they start retelling a story you told them, but start adding embellishments.

    Na wa oh!

    3. When you almost catch them in one of their lies but they’re able to tap into a higher level of lying and escape.

    Just look at!

    4. When they finally get caught in a lie and you expect them to apologise, they’re like:

    Sorry for yourself!

    5. How you react when they say “honestly” or “truthfully”.

    Na so.

    6. How they react when someone lies to them.

    Oh so now you know how people feel!

    7. When they are finally telling the truth but nobody believes them.

    But what did they think would happen?
  • 15 Lies You’ll Hear When A Nigerian Guy Likes You

    15 Lies You’ll Hear When A Nigerian Guy Likes You

    1. “You look familiar.”

    The Nigerian pick-up line as old as our independence.

    2. “I only want to get to know you.”

    He actually means “know” in the biblical sense.

    3. “I just want us to be friends.”

    The screensaver lie. He is still planning you.

    4. “I’m single.”

    Single = Less than 3 women.

    5. “I have a girlfriend but we are having issues.”

    He is the “issue”.

    6. “I’m going to leave her for you.”

    Don’t hold your breath.

    7. “You’re the only girl I’m talking to.”

    You’re not even the only girl he is talking to that second.

    8. “She is just a friend.”

    Yeah, they’ve been “friends” for 5 years and they have 2 children.

    9. “I’m ignoring other girls because of you.”

    Na so.

    10. “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

    Save it.

    11. “I’m not like other guys.”

    He means he is worse.

    12. “I’d never cheat on you.”

    He actually means he’ll never get caught.

    13. “I don’t play games.”

    He will now turn you to PlayStation.

    14. “I love you.”

    After just 5 minutes of meeting you. Oshey, Disney Prince.

    15. “I’m ready for marriage.”

    You’ll now end up engaged for 10 years.
  • 11 Excuses Nigerian Politicians Give For Our Problems

    11 Excuses Nigerian Politicians Give For Our Problems
    And sometimes by excuses, we mean lies.  In some cases, they cannot even be bothered to excuse their behavior.

    1. “Why don’t we have fuel?”

    2. “What is being done about those stealing Nigeria’s money?”

    3. “Why don’t we have electricity?”

    4. “Why is there a lack of women’s rights in Nigeria?”

    5. “What is the cause of the high unemployment rate?”

    6. “Why is the government not paying workers’ salaries on time?”

    7. “Why’s the value of the Naira reducing so much?”

    8. “Why is Nigeria in so much debt?”

    9. “What is the current situation with Boko Haram?”

    10. “Why is there so much corruption in Nigeria?”

    11. “Why’s the educational system so bad?”

  • A Lady’s Reply To Being Told She’s Beautiful Is Giving Us Life!

    A Lady’s Reply To Being Told She’s Beautiful Is Giving Us Life!
    So this young lady did something that some women will never do. At least, not until they’ve reached a certain level of trust with whoever it is.

    An admirer told her she was stunning after seeing her display picture.

    What she did next was brave and hilarious at the same time.

    She sent the guy a picture of what she looked like without her face beat to the gods.

    https://twitter.com/leahsvnchez/status/712314747467788288
    After sharing the photo, she commented “this how I look in real life“.

    You can imagine the guys reaction.

    https://twitter.com/leahsvnchez/status/712368839217061890
    He still thought she was beautiful!

    Well done to the girl for showing her real face!

    [zkk_poll post=25796 poll=content_block_standard_format_5]
  • 10 Most Common Lies Nigerians Tell

    10 Most Common Lies Nigerians Tell
    In a lot of instances, Nigerians are quick to dish out excuses or complaints and most of the time, it is really hard to believe them. Here are a few of the regular lies that roll from Nigerian lips.

    1. “I am not at home”

    From creditors to landlords to people who you really do not want to see, this is the number one lie Nigerians tell whoever is home with them to tell on their behalf.

    2. “I’m broke”

    When it is time to contribute, or to spend money, or to buy aso-ebi this is the number one lie. We don’t know if Nigerians are really broke or they are just overly frugal.

    3. “I am stuck in traffic”

    This lie is really particular to Lagosians, and comes in handy because of the regular traffic jams. People could even use this as an excuse to be late to their own funerals.

    4. “I’m a little bit down”

    This is handy for; “Can you come help us set up this event?” “Can you come for the youth meeting?” “Can we get married today?” Nigerians will use this lie to get out of any commitment.

    5. “Trust me I’m not lying”

    This lie is the default red flag for “I am a huge liar”. We have gotten used to it now and we can use it to detect liars from 100 kilometers away.

    6. “I ran out of credit”

    This one works for every situation when you did not communicate properly; ” Why did you not call to inform us?” “Why did you not tell us you were about to die?” Perfect lie to get out of being blamed.

    7. “I’m almost there”

    This is probably a universal lie but Nigerians use this at will. It gets really annoying especially if the person running late has the keys to the house and you really want to use the bathroom.

    8. “Don’t worry I will handle it”

    Nothing screams “I am incompetent” more than this lie. Nigerian tailors use this one like they say “good morning”. When someone tells you this, keep an eye on everything they do.

    9. “My house is not that far”

    Residents of Ajah, Epe, outskirts of Abuja,

    10. “I will pay you back next week, trust me”

    Nigerians do this habitually, well not all Nigerians but the chronic debtors will throw this lie out just to get you to part with your hard earned money. Beware!