Jokes | Zikoko!

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

(This interview occurs over Zoom for obvious reasons. Zikoko is trying to get their network to work.)

Zikoko: I’d like to start by saying a Happy Birthday. I’m so glad you agreed to this interview. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you.

Nigeria: I’m a busy man.

Zikoko: I thought you were a woman.

Nigeria: With the kind of shege I’m showing you?

Zikoko: Mad. I have a bunch of questions to ask sir. About the roads, light, governance, cost of living. Basically, I’m here to ask about why you’re showing us pepper.

Nigeria: Have you ever considered I’m the way I am because I’m lonely?

Zikoko: Come again?

Nigeria: There’s nobody to motivate me on days I feel down. To push me up when I falter. I need a neck. The head can’t stand alone.

Zikoko: I think I missed that. Pardon?

Nigeria: If you ask me to come again, I will beat you. I said I need to fall in love.

Zikoko: Sorry, internet. But you have a population of about 200 million people. How are you lonely?

Nigeria: With the rate at which people are leaving me, is this number still correct? Plus, it’s not like the people are going to keep me warm at night? Will they hold my hand? Buy me surprise package on Valentine’s Day?

Zikoko: So sorry for your loss. Why exactly can’t you do this life thing alone? We have a how to live your best life article you should read.

Nigeria: Are you living your best life?

Zikoko: Are the generators they’re running daily not enough to keep you warm?

Nigeria: No!

Zikoko: Oya help me understand

Nigeria: Life gets lonely, and I want someone that’ll be there for me. I’ve been a country for 62 years and not once have I ever been in a relationship. I used to have an ex, and though we were apart, at least she was alive from afar. But even Lizzie has left me forever, again.

RELATED: Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

Zikoko: But you have this enemies to lovers thing going on with Ghana

Nigeria: I see them like siblings. It can never work out.

Zikoko: So which country are you eyeing?

Nigeria: None in particular, but I do have characteristics and qualities I think my spouse should possess.

Zikoko: Oshey, let’s get it.

Nigeria: I need someone that can match my status as an African Giant.

Zikoko: *coughs*

Nigeria: You’re very foolish for that. Let me just tell you.

Zikoko: There’s cold nau. I have cough.

Nigeria: And it’s that cough that’ll kill you.

Zikoko: Small play? What did I throw and what did I collect?

Nigeria: Better behave yourself. Remember that you live in me.

Zikoko: Sorry sir, don’t be annoyed. Continue telling me your spec.

Nigeria: They also need to be rich. I’m a baby boy and I need to be taken care of. My love language is gift giving, so I want to date someone that’ll be able to do what I need. Random trips around the world, shopping sprees, dinner dates in fancy restaurants.

I also don’t eat old food. So I want someone that’ll be cooking for me every day, but will still submit to me as the head of the household.

RELATED: Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed by the Spirit of Hunger?”

Zikoko: And what will you offer them?

Nigeria: The privilege of being with me?

Zikoko: Ah? Is that all?

Nigeria: What more would they want? Also, before I forget, I want someone with a strong passport, so I can become a citizen of their country as well.

Zikoko: And you’ll give them a Nigerian passport?

Nigeria: Yes, what’s wrong with that?

Zikoko: Even you, would you collect a Nigerian passport?

Nigeria: Zikoko, you’re treading on thin ice o. Don’t be behaving like an insane. The only reason I’ve not thrown you out from here is because I want you to help me.

Zikoko: Help you? How?

Nigeria: I want you to find me someone I can build a meaningful relationship with.

Zikoko: Media company not dating app.

Nigeria: What’s a dating app?

Zikoko: It’s where people fall in love these days. You sign up on a dating app and swipe left or right based on people you find interesting or match similar values as yours. I think you should try it out.

Nigeria: Zikoko, I’m 62. Do you really think I can use a dating app?

Zikoko: We think anyone can, but honestly, you don’t have light or good network. How’ll you be able to do it? What you need is to meet someone the old-fashioned way.

Nigeria: Which is the old-fashioned way?

Zikoko: You walk up to a country and tell them how you feel about them. That you want to get to know them intimately.

Nigeria: So, colonisation?

Zikoko: Please ijn it’s 2022. We don’t do that anymore. Do you know what consent means?

Nigeria: Hm…

Zikoko: What you need right now is to find a nice African country that’s not too old for you.

Nigeria: Okay, let’s see. South Africa?

Zikoko: Have you forgotten they don’t like you?

Nigeria: Tanzania?

Zikoko: Long distance. They’re too far.

Nigeria: Benin Republic?

Zikoko: They’re too young for you. Plus, language barrier. We also think they’re in a throuple with Togo and Cameroon.

Nigeria: What’s a throuple?

Zikoko: It’s better if you don’t know. Let’s find you one person before we think of another.

Nigeria: What about Asian countries?

Zikoko: Long distance, and they’re too old for you.

Nigeria: I know who I’m going to date.

Zikoko: Who?

Nigeria: United Arab Emirates

Zikoko: You know what? Do what you want.

Nigeria: I plan to.

RELATED: Interview With National Grid: “Better Buy Plenty Fuel, You’ll Need It”

Itohan Esekheigbe

October 1, 2022

Inside Life, Interview With…

Funny, interview with, Jokes, love, Nigeria, nigerian independence
We’ve all been subject to clownery at some point in our lives, so in celebration of Clown’s week, we like to reveal just how much of a clown you are.

Take this quiz to find out.

Meyimi O.

August 2, 2022

In Your Feels, Quizzes

Funny, Jokes, Quiz
Are you expensive lobster that’s not for everyone or eja kika that can be bought down the road?

Find out the seafood you are by taking this quiz.

Ibukun

May 18, 2022

Long Throat, Quizzes

Jokes, seafood
Between being funny, intelligent, beautiful, unique and God’s greatest gift to earth, there’s nothing women can’t do. At Zikoko, we carry women’s matters on our heads, which is why we’re planning a party for the girliesssss.

Women are hardly ever wrong, but let’s talk about the few times they might have been. And the reasons why that happened.

Bathing with scalding hot water

Going out and being in contact with sin will make you want to wash it off with the highest temperature of water you can find. Women don’t want to live in sin, we want to be rid of it, and the best way to do that is to burn it off our skins.

Spending our savings on enjoyment

If you guys live more than once, we women know we only live once, and there’s always something to be celebrated. The same way we saved the one we use for enjoyment is how we’ll save another one for a more serious purpose.

Rewarding ourselves after an inconvenience

To be honest, this isn’t wrong; it’s a necessity. Life is already hard, and adulting is dealing with us. A little reward after a long day, week, or month doesn’t hurt anyone.

RELATED: 7 Things You Need to Stop Being Ashamed of as a Woman

Going out with our thoughts and prayers

There’s a slight chance this one is wrong sha because every woman needs some vex money. Thoughts and prayers hardly ever fail us. Nonetheless, don’t go out without a little extra cash.

Dating men

Dating men is reserved for God’s most patient soldiers. Whew. Love and light to the women who are dating Nigerian men, especially those living in Lagos.

Fitting our patience into our mini bags

Mini bags are the most befitting bags for a Nigerian woman’s patience. We’re managing the little patience we have, and we only take a little of it when we go out.

RELATED: Y2K Fashion Accessories That Are Still a Must-Have in 2022

Not ironing our clothes

Ironing is the worst chore known to man, and we women want an easy, stress-free life. Trust me when I say the sun in Nigeria is hot enough to straighten our clothes when we wear them.

RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Nigerian Women Don’t Iron Clothes

Saying we’re not hungry and then begging for our partner’s food

Making decisions is so tough, and women want it all. We also want to eat some of our partner’s food to ensure they don’t die alone if the food is poisoned.

Helping our partners keep their clothes

As you can see, we didn’t say “stealing”; we said “helping”. All women do is help you keep your clothes in a safer place, away from you and your wardrobe. You should be thanking your babe for being a forward thinker.

ALSO READ: Why Women Need to Stop Stealing Their Men’s Clothes

In case you missed it, Zikoko is bringing all the hot girls to the yard for a festival. We’ll dance, play games and shake our asses. Buy your tickets here.

Ibukun

May 12, 2022

Her

hertitude, Jokes, Women
You might think you’re surrounded by normal people until someone opens their mouth to say they like their food sizzling hot. That’s when you know that liars live amongst us. No one should like hot food, and we have reasons to back it up.

1) You look like a dog when eating hot food

When you’re eating hot food, you start moving your mouth like someone that has lost control of their tongue. Why? You’ll put food in your mouth and start doing hzhshzhzhshzhsshzhshss because the food is too hot for your mouth. Even your body knows when to reject bad things. Listen to it.

2) Why burn all the calories you’d get from the food by blowing on it?

Sounds like a waste of time. All the calories you’d have gotten from the food, you blew them away. By the time you blow one spoon of rice fifteen times before shove it in your mouth, what’s left?

RELATED: 5 Strange but Cute Food Behaviours Nigerian Mothers Have

3) Eating hot food shows lack of patience

Anyone that eats hot food doesn’t have patience. Why can’t they wait for the food to cool down? Has the food suddenly developed legs to run?

4) You won’t enjoy the food

You can’t even enjoy the food when it’s hot because you can’t taste anything. No flavour, no seasoning. Just heat and vibes.

RELATED: Interview With Food: Are Nigerian Men Possessed by the Spirit of Hunger?

5) You’ll burn your tongue

There are very few things as annoying as having a burnt tongue. Can’t enjoy food for the rest of the day because your tongue will just feeling weird.

6) Steam will nearly blind you

You’re trying to eat but you can’t see because of all the steam from the food blurring your vision. If you now use glasses? Your own is finished.

7) Hot food turns you to a dragon

If you decide to be a bad guy and eat the food without blowing it, it’ll heat the inside of your chest and you’ll start bringing out smoke from your mouth. Is that the life you want?

8) 60% food and 40% water

Because of how hot the food is, you’ll have to drink plenty of water to temper the heat. You’ll get full on time and your food will waste. In this economy?

RELATED: 11 Ways to Know Your Food Has Been Poisoned

Itohan Esekheigbe

April 7, 2022

Chopist

Food, Funny, Jokes, listicle
Seduction 101 class is now in session. In eight unstoppable ways, we’re going to teach you how to seduce the person you can’t stop thinking about. The steps are simple and very easy to follow, so let’s go.

1. Chew your lips when you’re around them

We said chew, not bite. Chew your lips as if you’re chewing ponmo. This is to hint the person that you’re going to chew their lips the same way. All that’ll be on their mind when they leave you is how they look forward to being chewed romantically.

2. Moonwalk like Michael Jackson

The moonwalk should be your regular walk. Do you know how that moonwalk always turned heads? That’s how it’s going to turn the head of your crush and immediately seduce them. The glide in your steps will guide you to their heart.

3. Walk with your hands to the back

Always walk like you’re adjusting your oversize blazer/coat. If you can’t do the moonwalk, this move is much easier to execute. Your hand to your back means you’ll always have their back. Any wise person will know that that’s the best kind of assurance.

4. Blink like there’s something in your eyes

The regular wink is old, boring and overused. Blink like there’s something in your eyes so they can walk over to help you take it out. Then make eye contact and make sure they see the future in your eyes. The future in which both of you live together happily ever after.

5. Put your hands in your mouth when talking to them

All five fingers. If you want to take it up a notch, put all ten fingers into your mouth. Let them know what that mouth does. You’re either going to be remembered as a successful throat goat or a tongue champion. You’ll sha be remembered. An act like that is impossible to forget.

6. Run away when you see them

Let them chase you till they run into your heart. Run really fast like your enemies are after you. Even if they’d never thought about you before then, they’ll remember you for running like Usain Bolt and they’ll yearn to know you better until they finally fall in love with you.

7. Make a playlist for their partner

You know how partners share things between themselves? Yep, make a playlist for your love interest’s partner. They’re going to listen to the playlist with them and know how thoughtful you are, how great your taste in music is and come looking for you. If you’re lucky sef, both partners will open their relationship for you.

8. Sprinkle holy water on them

This is the American equivalent of spilling a drink on someone. Sha make sure you’re with holy water, not normal water. The holy water is going to do all the work for you. Just ensure you spill it on their chest, very close to where their heart is located, and they’ll fall for you.

Ibukun

March 3, 2022

Inside Life

Funny, Jokes, relationships, seduction
If you look around you, you’ll spot issues that feminists are solely responsible for. In fact, scientists have said that more than half of the world’s problems are a result of the very existence of feminism and the people who practice it.

[newsletter]

1. Lesbianism

A huge part of feminism is women supporting and paving the way for each other, which we all know inevitably leads to genital meet & greets and violent scissoring. This is how lesbianism was invented and how they keep recruiting people into the act.

2. The heat in Nigeria

Feminists are too hot. Their arguments are too hot, and their bodies too. The heat they emit is fucking up the ozone layer and speeding up global warming. Why hasn’t Greta Thunberg said something about this yet?!

3. The price of fuel in Nigeria

Feminists have refused to refine crude oil themselves, and that’s why Nigeria is still importing crude oil and selling fuel at such a high price. Feminists need to come off their high horses and start refining oil or use all their knowledge to make water-powered cars. All this arguing on Twitter is not achieving anything.

4. The Nigerian passport being useless

Feminists aren’t doing enough to change the colour of the Nigerian passport. We’re not sure if changing the colour will help but they need to get to work and do something about it.

5. The quantity of Nkwobi

Feminists eat so little food because they are always watching their weight, and Nkwobi sellers seemingly market that meal to feminists. Now non-feminists have to eat so little too.

6. Nigeria getting kicked out of the Afcon

. They were too busy focusing on Maduka Okoye’s beauty, they forgot to join the men on the pitch and play with them (seeing as they want to be men so bad).

7. Exchange rate

All feminists are doing is exchanging pussy juices instead of being beneficial to foreign exchange.

8. The existence of Semo

Semo is here today because a feminist thought it was a meal worthy enough to be eaten. Gosh

9. Capitalism

Your boss stressing you out today because a group of women loved the concept of work so much, they fought for the right for everyone to work. Now everyone has to wake up and obey their employer’s call.

10. Chief Daddy 2

The movie most likely has a feminist as part of the crew. That’s enough reason for it to be on this list.

11. Bad roads

Bad roads exist because feminists won’t sit down in one place. Always moving up and down with their high-heeled shoes fighting for the rights of women and children.

12. Divorce

See, it’s feminists that started divorcing men opened other women’s eyes to men’s red flags and bad behaviour. Now, women all over the world see a reason to divorce their sweet husbands.

Ibukun

January 27, 2022

Inside Life

Feminism, feminists, Jokes
Names like Femi, Tobi, Segun… are names you hear and immediately have your guards up. Why? Bad vibes and negativity.

A few of these Yoruba names sat with us today to say their side of the story.

Femi

Femi means “Love me”, but Nigerian women and women all over the world complain when I go around looking and spreading love. But it’s the reason I was created; it’s my birthright. I am a lover, not a philanderer.

Tobi

Tobi means “Big” and my love is big enough to go around. If you need a piece of love, you know where to find me. I don’t know why Tobi is amongst the names women avoid when all I do is give many people a big piece of my love.

Tunde

Tunde means “I have come again”. And that’s ~~what she said~~ because I always come bearing good tidings. A prophet is never appreciated in their own home; that’s why nobody rates me and everyone thinks I am going around doing ashewo-lite. As I come again, I want to make you cum again. That’s highly benevolent of me If I do say so myself.

Kunle

I am “A FULL house”. I’m a full-time happening babe living his life to the fullest. Say whatever you like about me and give me whatever PR you like, I know for sure that I’m a bad bitch.

Writer’s note: Kunle seems to have missed the memo.

Muyiwa

Muyiwa means “Brought this one”, and the thing I love to bring the most is sex. Men and women are always complaining about my choice and try to nitpick what gift I bring home. But it’s my choice. Do am if e easy.

Seun

People always confuse me, Seun, for a sarewagba guy named Sean. Sean is my alter-ego. Whatever they said Sean did, he did that shit. Seun, on the other hand, is a good guy. My name means “Thank you”, which is what people say after I meet them. Ungrateful haters need to stop tainting his image.

Seyi

My name means “Did this” and I am not one to avoid accountability. Emi ni mo se, I did it and the recipient enjoyed it. Seyi is a name associated with beauty. Do you want me to hide all this beauty and not share it? O wrong nau. I am sorry to everyone involved, but there’s no stopping me.

Tunji

I think I am here because people confuse me with Tunde. Yes, our Yoruba names have similar meanings, but we aren’t the same. I am a 45+ man who spends his time with his wife and kids. I may have a few girlfriends here and there, but I still think I get mixed up with Tunde and that’s the issue.

Ibukun

December 2, 2021

Man Dem

Jokes, Yoruba demon, yoruba heartbreakers, yoruba names
Nigerians are truly some of the funniest people in the world and they continue to prove it by how they keep making us laugh on Twitter despite a ban.

Here are some of the funniest tweets from TwitterNg from November 2021

The memes that came from this tweet

Yes, we know the tweet is from October but the memes were legendary.

I went to the kitchen to cook, only for me to see this on my phone😭😭😂😂😂 Omo I'm changing my passcode pic.twitter.com/Ge5rzEqLYK
— A~bisola (@abisolafestus1) October 30, 2021

1. LMFAOOO

Now you understand why we had to include the first one.

Pastors be like “I will keep this sermon short” pic.twitter.com/5sQivm14AW
— Four-eyed Edo Boy™ (@Alex_Houseof308) November 21, 2021

2. Is there anything that’s out of line to Nigerians? We guess not

No let Sanwo Olu see Davido post before e tax all orphans for Lagos State.
— UG (@UgwunnaEjikem) November 20, 2021

3. Lovers code

Ifeoma is doing it right. Whatever she’s doing is the right thing.

https://twitter.com/khagan_c/status/1464240704427810820?s=20

4. This isn’t exactly a joke, but it’s still funny.

Sanwo is protesting against Sanwo. Wetin Musa no go see for gate?

https://twitter.com/larryfeyiii/status/1465733014705655808?s=20

5. And he proudly said he attended Wizkid’s concert

The quoted tweets were smoking this man and this one is the funniest.

https://twitter.com/Shaliah88014479/status/1465613353607385096?s=20

6. LMFAOO. You have to be on Twitter long enough to understand some jokes.

LMFAO. How do people think of stuff this funny?

take? i didn't take anything from the building, they break all https://t.co/RCRr0bUDXs
— Kunle (@skinnyniggr) November 25, 2021

7. *Frantically does sign of the cross*

Nigerians don’t see a line and we love them for that.

https://twitter.com/UTisKore/status/1464936523791585282?s=20

8. We yellep

Low scream, semi loud scream, loud scream.

EFCC go start to Dey arrest orphans from Monday
— enkay jakes (@enkay_jakes) November 20, 2021

19. Netflix in a nutshell

Netflix is just an Igbo trader with a fine logo.

“Yes, we know the exact movie you are looking for, e no dey, but why don’t you check out this one that looks just like it ehn? Same actor, same script, you won’t even notice the difference nwannem”
— Old Account (@DigitalJagaban_) November 27, 2021

10. LMFAOOOO

Why does this video even exist?

Your spec https://t.co/tDV1xMiSvo pic.twitter.com/9e36LPHyuW
— Four-eyed Edo Boy™ (@Alex_Houseof308) November 24, 2021

Ibukun

December 1, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, nigerian twitter, tweet compilation, Twitter
Trust us to guess your favourite pastime by taking this quiz.

Ibukun

November 30, 2021

In Your Feels, Quizzes

amebo, guilty pleasure, Jokes
People of all ages understand what it feels like to be constantly asked “when will you marry?” especially when they have crossed a certain age.

We’ve put together a list of perfect responses to give when asked: “When will you marry?”

1. “When you stop asking me”

Let them know they are the ones tying your destiny and preventing you from getting married since they won’t stop asking you the question. The day they stop asking you the same question is the day you’ll get married.

2. “God will do it for you”

Confuse them. Let them go to bed that night wondering what God is supposed to do for them. If they won’t mind their own business, you’ll mind it for them and take it to God on their behalf.

3. “I don’t want my life to be like yours”

To be fair, this isn’t actually an insult, it’s an honest reply. You simply don’t want your life to be like theirs. It’s a nicer way of telling them to go and work on themselves.

4. “Any money wey I get now, na for enjoyment, no worry about my future”

Definitely not the answer they expected, but it’s the answer they deserve. Let everybody face their front and focus on the thing that’s bothering them the most.

5. “Are you jealous of me?”

It’s only jealousy that can make anyone invested in your singleness. They can only imagine that life and they want to have it too, but can’t tell you.

6. “Let’s trade places”

Tell them to give up their marriage for you since they care so much about your singleness. You’ll be shocked sha because some people are going to willingly trade places with you.

7. “Crazy things are happenings”

Them asking you “when will you marry?” is crazy thing number 1, your singleness is crazy thing number 2. No one knows which of these things is crazier than the other but crazy things are happening nonetheless.

Ibukun

November 26, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, marriage, marriage questions
Memes are a very effective way to communicate how you feel without using words. There’s no one you’ll send you’ll send a meme to who won’t understand what you are saying, except, of course, they are a millennial or baby boomer.

Here are a couple of memes to send to your boss when you need a raise.

1. The “why are you doing this to me” meme.

If your boss sees this meme and doesn’t know you are starving; that boss is wicked. This meme is a cry for your help, but your desperation isn’t jumping out nonetheless. You are begging for that raise, but you aren’t desperate.

2. The “laughs maliciously” meme.

Send this meme when they make jokes on Slack or any of the group chats you are both in. Let your boss know you are malicious of their salary and how rich they are and you want the same for yourself.

3. The “your money is safe with me” meme.

Only send this meme when you are putting minimal effort into your job, but you want plenty of money regardless of the quality of your work. Encourage your employer to take a chance with you.

4. The “I’ve taken this matter to Babalawo” meme.

This will let them know it’s above you now and whatever happens to them is none of your business. You have done your bit, it’s time for them to do theirs.

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

5. The “I’ve taken matters into my hands and I command you to give me a raise” meme.

Send this to your boss first thing in the morning, make sure it’s the first thing they wake up to. If they don’t have you on their mind all through the day, come to our office to fight with us.

6. The “My God is going to deal with you” meme.

This meme has to be sent with a little message, something like “me, praying about a raise” so your employer won’t just open the meme and laugh. Let them know you’ve taken their matter to God.

7. This meme is self-explanatory.

Send them this meme every day for a week and you’ll be sure to get a raise. You are clearly begging your boss because your life depends on it.

8. The “I’m not one to be messed with” memes.

Let that employer know you are the one to be played with and you’ve said what you said about wanting a raise. Of course, they’ll tremble when they see this meme and give you a raise before the day is over.

Ibukun

November 24, 2021

Inside Life

Employee, Employers, Jokes, Raise, salary
Your parents definitely warned you about eating in places you aren’t sure of, but did you listen? Anyway, we are here to continue the work your parents started, and we hope you listen this time before you go and eat food that they have poisoned.

1. The food is too sweet.

Any meal you eat that’s too sweet and seems like it has been prepared by a top chef has most likely been poisoned. They made the food too sweet so you won’t taste the poison and know about their deadly plan. Abort mission after eating one bite.

2. The food is not sweet.

Anyone who cooks food for you that is not sweet clearly hates you. The effort into poisoning you was so minimal. You need to throw the food away and report the person to the police immediately.

3. The waiter served the food with a smile on their face.

Your first question should be, “Why does this waiter enjoy their job so much that they are smiling?” Any waiter that’s too friendly is working with the restaurant to give their customers poisoned food.

4. The waiter didn’t serve the food with a smile on their face.

Once the waiter is frowning, you should already know the waiter hates their job and their life, now imagine how the cook feels? They are probably even more stressed out and won’t hesitate to add a few drops of poison to customers’ food.

5. The food is expensive.

These ones are disguising o! They don’t want you to know you are using your money to buy something made to harm you so they kuku made it expensive.

6. The food is cheap.

Prices of foodstuffs have gone up, so why is a restaurant selling food so cheap if they aren’t using their customers for money rituals? You sef, fink about it. It’s sus and they should be reported to EFCC, NDLEA and NAFDAC.

7. They served the food in fine china.

They only served you in fine china, so you won’t know the evil they are plotting. We have to give these ones extra credit because they tried. They want to take you out in style. A for effort!

8. They served the food in ugly plates.

Isn’t this obvious? They are serving you with a plate that’s not fit for kings and queens because they hate you.

9. The food is plenty.

This meal and the delicious meal are in the same group chat. Whoever serves you a lot of food wants to effortlessly show you pepper. They either want you to deal with indigestion or have food poisoning. Reject that meal today.

10. The food is not plenty.

Imagine how potent the poison has to be for them to serve you such a small portion of food. Everyone involved in the production of that meal should be handed over to the police smh.

11. The food was cooked by someone you don’t know.

It is never wise to eat a meal cooked by someone you don’t know. They could have poisoned you because of something you did 10 years ago and do not remember.

Maybe you should cook your own food yourself and stop doing ojukokoro all over the place smh!

Ibukun

November 23, 2021

Inside Life

Food, Funny, Jokes, poison
Being a bad bitch is gender non-binary and anyone can be a bad bitch, so rest your mind. All you need to do is follow our super easy tips and you’d be a bad bitch before the week is over.

1. Eat only pasta.

Pasta was made specifically for baddies; it’s the unspoken secret meal that opens the pathway to your bad bitch supernatural abilities. Don’t make the mistake of cooking the pasta yourself, you have to buy it and eat it from an overpriced Lagos restaurant.

2. Wear only ashewo clothes.

What’s the point of being a baddie if it’s not the first thing people see? Make sure your shorts are super short and you are very invested in Lagos fashion and cut out clothes. Ensure you dress like you are straight out of “pretty little things” website.

3. Be a Gemini or a Scorpio.

Scorpios are the baddest babes that ever walked the face of the earth, followed closely by Geminis. Every real bad bitch needs to have a drop of toxicity and Geminis and Scorpios have that in excess.

4. Have nothing less than 5 tubes of lipgloss.

Lipgloss is an essential tool in unlocking your baddieness. Every baddie needs to constantly moisturize their l̶i̶e̶s̶ lips.

5. Only carry mini bags.

As a bad bitch, you have no business carrying any bag that can fit more than your patience, your lipgloss and your phone. Any other thing can be left in the bags or purses of other ordinary bitches.

6. Only wear boots.

Come rain, come sunshine you must only wear boots. You need the boots to stomp on ordinary bitches and you also need them to complete your drip. Regular shoes are for regular people and you aren’t a regular person, you are a bad bitch.

7. Follow the teachings of Bobrisky.

Bobrisky is the most original bad babe in Nigeria and you need to heed every piece of advice she gives. Whatever has worked for her in the past is definitely going to work for you too.

8. Get a nose ring.

Nose rings are the key to unlocking your inner bad baddie (forget whatever we said about it being lipgloss). Every certified bad bitch has a nose ring.

Ibukun

November 12, 2021

Inside Life

Astrology, bad bitch, Funny, Jokes
Getting a man’s name tattooed on your body as a show of love is a very questionable thing, except he’s dead of course and you got the tattoo to immortalize him. However, if you want to get a man’s name tattooed on your body simply because you love him, we’ll need you to sit back and think of your action.

Here are some serious questions to ask yourself before tattooing a man’s name on your body.

1. Is everything alright at home?

You need to be sure everything is fine on the homefront before you proceed. Do your parents love you, do you have spiritual problems, do you need to get delivered from spiritual problems you have no hand in? Those are some of the things you need to know. You can also ask your parents some of those questions to be sure everything is fine at home.

2. Is the name biblical?

Let the name atleast be biblical and by biblical, we don’t mean a name in the Bible. No, we mean a name that can be turned into a Bible passage, like Matthew.

3. Do you not like your body?

You are a beauty and a spec and you don’t need his name on your body to confirm that. Even if you don’t like your body, that man’s name on it won’t make it better.

4. Are you ready to endure the disgrace?

First and foremost, the disgrace is going to be plenty, very very plenty and it’s probably going to make you a story woman. Are you ready to explain to one million people why you have a man’s name on your body even though you no longer talk to him? Think about it.

5. Is the name fanciful enough?

Please note, I am not talking about names like Tunde, Tunji or Chukwudi [sorry to men with those names]. Is the name atleast fancy enough with a good meaning? If not, kindly abort the mission.

6. How common is the name?

A common name is a good option, you can walk down the road and find another man with that name to date. Names like Kunle, Tobi and Femi are good options here, not Alexandria.

7. Why you don’t love yourself.

If you truly love yourself enough, you won’t get a man’s name tattooed on your body. If you truly love yourself, you won’t date men, but that’s another conversation.

8. Do you like the name enough to claim it’s yours?

When the love fails and your foolishness is staring you in the face, would you like the name enough to claim it’s yours? Very unlikely.

Ibukun

October 29, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, love, Men, tattoo
The fact that you can no longer remember the pain of being dropped on your head doesn’t mean you might not be living with long term side effects. You’ll know by some of your actions whether or not you were dropped on your head as a child.

Here are a few clear signs.

1. You like drama.

You either start the drama or get drawn to it. Everyone knows you live for some sort of commotion. It’s part of the follow come with being dropped on your head.

2. You like to date questionable people.

Your friends and family have all given up on fixing you and advising you. You enjoy dating people who give you headaches. What others see as red flags, you see as roses.

3. You enjoy making morbid jokes.

Everyone knows you for being notorious for making morbid jokes and not knowing when to read the room. You can read every other thing asides from a room that’s uncomfortable with the jokes you are making.

4. You never practise what you preach.

It’s a little shocking that you even preach. You often go as far as giving good advice, but it’s impossible for you to take your own advice. Everyone comes to go for advice even though they know you have small skoin-skoin.

5. You live your life like you have a spare one at home.

Maybe you have a spare one at home. Who knows? If you could survive something as severe as being dropped on your head as a child, it’s obvious you have many extra lives to play with.

6. You are not as rich as Dangote, but you spend more money than he does.

Oh, in this case, you fell on your head as a child and also as an adult. You are irredeemable.

7. You deliberately voted for Bubu.

Look around you, are you proud of that decision? If your answer is yes, it’s obvious you fell on your head again as an adult.

8. You litter and throw things out of moving vehicles.

You are one inch away from being in the same category with people who fell again as adults. Why are you littering the place? Do you not have home training or manner? Let’s blame your behaviour on that bad fall.

Ibukun

September 29, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Jokes, Nigerians, slander
There are too many people on these streets claiming to be what they are not. At least five people out of six claim to be a bad bitch, even when they do not have the range or ability for it.

Anyway, we have decided to put you all in your place. If these signs manifest in your life, then it means you are not the bad bitch you actually think you are.

1. You catch feelings quick.

Someone will text you everyday for two weeks and you have already caught feelings. Do you really think that’s an attribute of a bad bitch?

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

Your parents are housing you and you want to come out and claim bad bitch. Which money will you use to paint town red? Your pocket money?

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

Please just rest. Don’t drag anything, just quietly renounce the title of bad bitch and live a honest life.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

Even songs, you are crying. You think being bad bitch is about being Nkiru Sylvanus’ intern? Abeg comot for here.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

Even if they are distributing bad bitch forms for free, it will never reach you. Just focus on your studies, eh?

6. You are the second born.

You got leftover baby clothes from the first born. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t qualify.

7. You moan during sex.

Something you are supposed to chest and keep quiet. Ask the real bad bitches, they don’t even do pim.

8. You attend Covenant University.

Hmmm. It is well. Please dissociate yourself from being a bad bitch before your school authorities decide to abolish bad bitches worldwide.

9. You have a babyface.

Nature has already denied you access to the bad bitch circle. Please rest.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

Ah, please go and do change of name before you even think of calling yourself a bad bitch, abeg.

11. Your name is Blessing.

Sorry dear, even if you change your name, you still cannot be a bad bitch. Having Blessing as your name has forever robbed you of that chance.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

Instead of you to be learning how to do these things, you are trying to be a bad bitch. Do you even have your priorities aligned?

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

Smart parents. They already know you don’t have the potential for it.

14. You have less than five wigs.

More importantly, what will your life as a bad bitch look like?

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

At this point, just give up. If they call bad bitches and you answer eh, we will personally find you and cane you.

16. You eat semo.

Please get out of here, cultist.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 1, 2021

Inside Life

bad bitch, Humour, Jokes, Laughter, Sarcasm
Streets are tough, but Nigerian men are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any man who manifests any of these signs, please run. That guy is broke and has nothing to offer you.

Stay woke, queens.

1. If he is a poet.

These ones are the original owners of the word struggle. They will serenade you with romantic lines and even give you one or two orgasms while at it, but when it’s time for them to drop something, best believe they can drop dead. Flee, my babe.

2. If he works at a start-up.

Yes, forget all you have heard about tech bros. The only ones that are not struggling are the ones in Paystack and Flutterwave. You see the rest of them? Struggle with a sprinkle of scaling and growth.

3. If he is always hungry.

The typical Nigerian man. See ehn, if you meet any and the first thing he’s concerned about is if you can cook fresh stew or make pap, just gather your wig under your armpit and run before you enter everlasting struggle.

4. If he is a musician.

Yes, they look good and babes are rushing them. But if you check their account balance ehn, it’s emptier than a doll’s head. Just collect the song and the orgasm they will offer. You see financial capabilities? It’s not from them biko.

5. If he doesn’t have a beard.

Someone does not have a beard and you think he’s not struggling? Listen, he is struggling with forces and principalities that even you cannot see.

6. If he has a beard.

Surely you know he kept it so he can be struggling with it until you come into his life and he can transfer the chaos to you. You better run.

7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.

He might look chic and alte, but listen, mans is going through existential struggles. Enter it and you too will collect.

8. If he still lives with his parents.

Um, do you still want us to talk, or will you take the hint already?

9. If he lives alone.

Clearly that guy is struggling with a lot of interpersonal problems and they are so much that had to move out of the house. Get it?

10. If he is good in bed.

That means he cannot offer you anything else, so he wants to use knacks to finish your life until you are confused on whether to stay or leave. May the compass of your life lead you aright.

11. If he is not good in bed.

Of course he is struggling in the bedmatics part. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself?

12. If he has a powerbank.

Yes please, Twitter people have said that powerbank is a sign of struggle. Just take it that way.

13. If he is still alive.

Since you have all these demands, you might as well just settle for a dead guy so you can be free of struggling forever and you both can rest in peace.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 18, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, Laughter, Sarcasm, struggling man
Being Nigerian is a lot of things, both good and bad, at the same time. It is about feeling pride in the Nigerian people, culture, music and cuisine but being ashamed of the Nigerian government and other bad things about the country. We brought you the memes that perfectly describes how it feels to be Nigerian at various points in time.

1. When you lie to your parents about your results

2. When the Nigerian police “invite” you to the station

3. The Nigerian government every three minutes:

4. When your student department association asks how you spent the money for social night

5. When PHCN takes the light while you were ironing cloth for your interview

6. What your Nigerian parents think will happen if you travel to the village for Christmas

7. When the Nigerian government sees a successful startup

8. When your fiance who has a blue passport is mad at you

9. When the government announces another bad policy.

10. But last last,

If you liked these memes then you’ll love Zikoko Memes. Stay sharp because it’s coming real soon. Follow Zikoko Memes on Twitter.

[donation]

Olufemi Fadahunsi

November 17, 2020

Inside Life

Jokes, Memes, Nigeria
WARNING: Only try these things with people who understand that you’re joking. I will NOT be held responsible for the ensuing gbas gbos if you try this with someone you’re not friends with.

1) Remind them that they’re spending all that money on skincare products and still aren’t getting any results.

“So that thimble-sized bottle of vitamin c serum isn’t doing anything? LMAO”

2) Send them any picture you see on social media of people with clear skin.

“Look at your mates. Do they have two heads?”

3) Randomly look at their face and say, “Hmm. That’s a new pimple”.

“Well, looks like your face is just full of surprises.”

4) Casually mention how their face reminds of the road leading to Badagry.

“I just remembered the time a car I was in broke down on the way to Badagry. It ‘s your face that reminded me sef. The road was rough as hell and…”

5) Tell them they look like the moon emoji if it was more realistically textured.

Then watch them break down in tears…or stab you in the face.

Astor George

September 15, 2020

Inside Life

Jokes, skincare
1. This one about the formula for ice.

2. This one about the true nature of Anions.

3. This one about the real reason chemists like Ammonia.

4. This one about not leaving footprints.

5. This one about chemical workers.

6. This one about the Joker.

7. This one about the floating book.

8. This one about a popular TV show.

9. This one about the most important rule.

10. This one about a quiet laugh.

11. This one about the Marvel universe.

12. This one about the real reason no one believes Atoms.

13. This one about bros.

14. This one about free beer.

15. This one about a clique.

16. This one about a second date.

17. This one about an excited mole.

18. This one that is basically an excuse for when you make a bad chemistry joke.

19. This one about why chemists are so optimistic.

20. This one about the short conversation between a proton and a neutron.

21. This one about the fate of every sick chemist.

22. This one about the dumb ass chemist…..or dumb ass bartender.

Depends on how you look at it.
23. This one about why we’re ending this here.

More Zikoko!

10 Times In Life When It’s Better To Be A Fat Person

Astor George

June 6, 2017

Oldies

chemistry, Funny, Jokes, Nigerian, science, student
1. You will agree that this guy has become the official meme-face of 2017.

https://twitter.com/SemilooreAkoni/status/860969824926781441

2. With expressions like this:

3. And this:

4. And this immortal one:

5. So here’s a compilation of the most hilarious memes we could find using this guy’s face:

Adds jollof rice, fried rice, puff puff, salad, plantain, samosa, peppered snail, chicken, beef, pepper soup.

Summer body goals: pic.twitter.com/GoNDbUrORj
— YINGIBOERE (@yingi_flemmming) May 8, 2017

When Anthony Joshua visits Nigeria and his Grandma orders him to go wash plates. pic.twitter.com/OQ1deQAQC2
— nenibeh (@mhagayr) May 8, 2017

Nigerian: *Brings out onions, tomato, lettuce, cabbage, curry, thyme, parsley, sweet corn, garlic, ginger, shredded beef*.
Indomie: pic.twitter.com/9NWIpGkhja
— . (@akingbayo) May 5, 2017

https://twitter.com/sayrusty/status/861607370480390144

https://twitter.com/iam_AbdulAxis/status/861534346129408000

Lights up rambo paper
Lights up mosquito coil
Sprays insecticide
Sleeps inside mosquito net

Mosquitoes: pic.twitter.com/UfOAR6bVBX
— madam ricebox 🍛 (@aishatu_gali) May 7, 2017

https://twitter.com/IamDamilosky/status/859377431072866305

https://twitter.com/LeAmbivert/status/862062341495672832

https://twitter.com/sire_liljosh/status/862569797191516160

https://twitter.com/sire_liljosh/status/862200904518430721

https://twitter.com/SemilooreAkoni/status/857702419702198273

https://twitter.com/The_improviser/status/862189735917342720

https://twitter.com/BillionTwiTs/status/859720350384500737

https://twitter.com/SemilooreAkoni/status/860892543164219392

https://twitter.com/omoissy/status/860923971054821376

Nicky Minaj giving out money like ….
And our own Artists will block you for correcting their English …. pic.twitter.com/FyaLbAINEE
— #BeejayFANTA💪🇳🇬🌙 (@iam_Bjlee) May 7, 2017

https://twitter.com/EmiNiTybaba/status/861519185448493056

https://twitter.com/iam_AbdulAxis/status/861671383042052096

https://twitter.com/king_talent/status/861837456093696001

Davido: Expecting baby number 2
Banks W: Engaged
2baba: celebrating wedding anniversary
Don jazzy: pic.twitter.com/4qeclqPtLt
— Zak (@zak__01) May 9, 2017

https://twitter.com/omoissy/status/861915217428705280

https://twitter.com/pyepar/status/861935645895348224

https://twitter.com/I_pissVodka/status/861947525523288064

https://twitter.com/FanAnticsFC/status/862080763780616194

Ronke Otega

May 11, 2017

General

hilarious, Jokes, meme, Nigerians