jealousy | Zikoko!

Use “Bridgerton” language

Don’t be overt about it. Say something sweet that still carries the weight of your side-eye. For example: “My heart burns when I see another staring into the endless orbs that are your eyes.”

Give them the most cheeky compliment

You know those compliments that aren’t really compliments? Like telling them they look good with someone when you mostly just want to ask why they’re talking to that person? Yes, do that.

Give them the eyes

Look into their eyes as they hug that person. Let them know they just committed a crime.

Don’t use Twitter

The urge to misyarn will multiply once you open Twitter. Just don’t do it. Because even if you think pouring out your heart is harmless, everybody else will laugh at you.

If you must, be direct about it

But if you must talk on the internet, it’s better to say what’s really bothering you. Instead of throwing jabs that’ll end up embarrassing you and your partner, say something that shows you’re clearly jealous, but in a good way. People will probably find it cute.

Or use a burner account

At least, this way, you can get it off your chest without tripping anyone off.

Act surprised

Show genuine surprise about what they did that made you jealous. Something along the lines of, “Oh, you still talk to that person?”

Start your next conversation with “It’s funny how some people…”

Then insert the exact thing that made you jealous. But don’t mention names o. Let them catch their sub.

QUIZ: How Jealous Does Love Make You?

Sheriff Alimi

July 6, 2023

Ships

finesse, jealousy, Nigerian relationships, relationship twitter
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

*Amina and *Fatima had been friends for thirteen years. But one fight was enough to reveal the many times Fatima had tried to sabotage Amina, and now, the friendship is no more.

Fatima and I had known each other since we were in secondary school. She was a couple of years my junior, so we never had a reason to strike up a conversation. Almost a decade later, I started dating her cousin, and we started talking. I eventually married her cousin, so we moved from being friends to family.

Fatima always came across as someone who was lost. She’s the only child of parents who never married, so the family never really took her in as one of their own. They treated her like an outcast. I thought she was a lovely person who was judged based on other people’s prejudice. I took our relationship as family very seriously.

Since I was older, our friendship started off as me guiding her through life. I was answering her questions and helping with decisions she had to make. I shared intimate parts of my life with her. Even when her cousin and I separated, she was still in my life as a friend. She’d call multiple times a day, and we’d make out time to hang out.

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What changed?

Our first fight. One day in April (2022), she texted me to ask for my ex-boyfriend’s number. The ex was a guy I had dated after her cousin. I told her that I wondered why she was asking when she spoke to him regularly, and that’s when she started cursing me out. She said there was nothing special about my relationship with him, and if she wanted to sleep with him or take him away from me, she could.

I was completely shocked because my accusation that she was still talking to my ex was unfounded. I had no proof but just threw it out there because I noticed my ex had a lot more information about my life than I gave him. He knew about the new jobs I was working on, the people I was working with and other things I didn’t share with him.

There are three people I knew could have been responsible; a mutual friend of the ex and I who frankly doesn’t have our time, another friend of mine who doesn’t even respond to his messages, and Fatima. I thought if I brought it up, she’d deny it, but instead, it made her snap. That’s when a lot of things started to make sense; why she was always asking me extremely personal questions, and why my spirit was no longer in tune with hers. She was obsessed with my ex and our relationship.

Did she ever show signs of this obsession?

I remember when she went out with my ex and I. Immediately she got home, she called her own boyfriend and broke up with him. She told me she saw the way my ex treated me, and it occurred to her that she could do better than what she currently had. It was weird because she didn’t acknowledge how much work I put into the relationship to get that kind of treatment. If you want more then you invest more time, energy, money and emotion. She based a life-changing situation on a one-day interaction. Who does that? I tried to not look too deeply into that situation because nobody wants to settle for less. I loved her too much to deep it like that.

So, she’d never done anything to hurt you before?

In 2018, we went to a club and met a guy and his friend. The friend happened to be a celebrity, but I was more interested in doing business with the guy. We all exchanged numbers, and she told me the guy was asking her out but she’d rather date the celebrity.

The guy and I got really serious about work. He kept mentioning I shouldn’t bring up details of the contract with anybody. Secrecy is a big deal in the industry I work, so I didn’t think too much about it. Unfortunately, he just sent me a message telling me he had to terminate the contract. Money is not my biggest problem, so I took the loss and kept pushing.

February of 2022, we met at a work conference. After exchanging pleasantries, I brought up the fact that he terminated our contract. That’s when he told me he only did it because my “sister”, Fatima, had told him that if he was serious about her, he’d have to stop working so closely with me.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness

That’s a lot. Did you confront her about it when he told you?

I didn’t. I just thought he was saying it to get into my good graces after terminating the contract. I wouldn’t just believe what a stranger has to say about her. Especially since I didn’t even know they were dating.

It was during the fight that she brought it up. She told me a friend of ours said I was sleeping with him. But when she confronted him, he showed chats as evidence that it was only work we discussed. Then, she told him to block off the contract if it truly was only work.

It’s funny how there were so many things she did to me, and I just kept disbelieving them because I didn’t believe my friend of 13 years would try things like that.

What else did she do?

She also insisted that I sent a spy to her house to keep tabs on her. The spy in question was my former assistant who I told Fatima I wanted to rehire in March. By January, Fatima had hired her. She told me that since I didn’t need the assistant during that period, she wanted to hire the babe. I agreed. Then, she asked the girl to move in with her to lessen her commute. I didn’t orchestrate the hiring or the meeting, so how was she my spy?

When Fatima fired the assistant based on the spy allegations, she told the babe it was because I convinced her to fire her. That I said she was a prostitute. The whole concept is bizarre to me because why will I randomly call my former assistant a prostitute? I never had that conversation with Fatima. Now, the babe thinks I was gossiping about her.

Our former friend also stopped talking to me for the same reason. There are a bunch of people who feel comfortable slandering me because of Fatima’s actions.

Why do you think she did all of this?

Obsession? Jealousy? Both? She’s actively trying to ruin my life, and I don’t understand why. I’ve never done anything to her or anyone she holds dear, so I don’t know why she’s doing all of these things.

Do you think you’d ever forgive her?

I’ve already forgiven her. I try not to hold negative things in my heart against anyone, but one thing I’ve learnt is to not allow just anyone in my personal space. I let this person have enough access to me and she felt comfortable disrespecting me like this. You can call someone your friend, but they end up being a wicked person who’s simply planning your downfall.

RELATED: Sunken Ships: She Chose Jesus Over Me

Itohan Esekheigbe

May 27, 2022

Ships, Sunken Ships

jealousy, Relationship, Ships, sunken ships
Jealousy is a feeling of bitterness or resentment as a result of someone having something you desire. Like other human feelings, jealousy is also a part of interpersonal relationships. In this article, we asked eight Nigerian women to share what it felt like to be jealous of their friends and what they did about it.

Sheila, 20

I have known my best friend since I was 17 and sometime last year, I felt jealous of her. It was as if she was happy and blooming in her life while mine was going badly. I had just suffered a terrible breakup, and at the same time, she got into a relationship with someone that loves her wholeheartedly. It hurt even more because of their public display of affection. I also lost my job around that time, and my best friend got a job that paid five times more than my old job paid. I was just in a corner of my mind wishing everything was happening to me too.

When I couldn’t keep it in anymore, I told her. I didn’t want to cross the line and start resenting her. At some point, it almost affected our relationship because I withdrew into myself. I wouldn’t call her, and I’d give flimsy excuses when she tried to reach me. But I couldn’t stay away for long because she’s my best friend and not just any other person. I told her how I felt and comforted me. I was surprised at how well she handled it and felt so relieved because I don’t think I’d have reacted the same way. After I apologised, our friendship became better because we opened up more to each other. We are still best friends till today.

Demola, 21

I didn’t have a lot of female friendships growing up, so I didn’t know how to navigate them. It was when I got in university, I started having small groups of female friends. I have always been drawn to outgoing and attractive people and when I realised people would befriend me to access them, it hurt. I couldn’t help but envy them. I had a particular friend who was also my roommate. Visitors would bring gifts and MONEY to our room. I need to emphasise on the money. I was a broke student who got ₦10k a month as allowance and here was someone getting ₦15k because someone liked her skin. HER SKIN.

I think it affected my perception of her. I started turning her into a villain in my head to rationalise the way I felt. I called her shallow and materialistic. I called her some ableist slurs too. Some of these things I said to her face, some I didn’t. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with her. I didn’t think it was right to still be friends with someone when I felt that way about them. I tried to reach out to her recently, but it hasn’t been the same. We still talk and send stickers to each other, but it’s not the way it used to be between us.

Audra, 26

I was jealous of my best friend after we finished NYSC. We were both job hunting, and it took longer than we expected. One day, I sent her the link to a job that we both applied to and she ended up getting it. That made me jealous. What did they see in her that they didn’t see in me? I never said anything to her about it. I just dealt with the feelings on my own until I found something.

Anita, 21

I am part of a group of five friends. We are all in our final year of university, same department and everything. Some of us are closer to others than some are but we still move about together. This final year opened our eyes to the jealousy some of us were feeling towards others. One person was jealous of another because a lot of guys were always on her matter. Another one was jealous because the other person is thick and she is slim.

I am more of the bookish type. I realised that when I do better than them, they’re not so happy but when they do well, they’re happy. Not solely because they did well, but because they did better than me, who is supposedly the nerd. Sometimes I get upset when I introduce a male friend to the group and he starts getting closer to another one of them. I have learnt that jealousy is normal in friendships, but it’s what one does with it that matters. Do I go behind the other person and do evil or I wish the other person well and learn to live with the fact that someone will have something I want and that’s fine.

Ewatomi, 24

In my diploma days, I had a friend I did everything with. But when we switched to a degree programme, she met new friends and I was left behind. I felt alone and jealous of her closeness with others. I won’t lie; sometimes I cried about it. It took me months to move on. I didn’t do anything because I had to be okay with the fact that she was happy even if it wasn’t with me. Although, our relationship was never the same. I couldn’t treat her the same way I did when it was just two of us.

Amaju, 31

When I was still in university, I had a friend I was very close to. She knew my family and I knew hers. We were in the same department, same hostel, same everything. At that time, I didn’t see how I felt about her as jealousy. I thought it was more of a competition because of our strong personalities. We had similar tastes in everything. The only difference to me was that she always had it before I did. I noticed that I would intentionally not tell her if I was buying a new phone or getting a new laptop or moving to a more expensive hostel because I just wanted to feel like I won.

It affected our friendship a lot because there was no trust. I did not feel like she genuinely liked me and that made me feel bad about myself. We grew apart because there was a lot of backstabbing. I feel like I did myself a disservice cause I approached her and tried to make things work between us, but I guess the friendship had lasted its course. I think now that I may have misread her actions towards me as being jealous, hence reciprocated with bad behaviour. I take full responsibility cause my insecurity had the best of me.

Alex, 29

In 2020, three of my closest friends were making progress in their lives; career, love life, etc. It was weird because on one hand, I was happy for them but I also started to get depressed because it felt like I just gagged the whole year away. The worst part was not being able to talk to them about it because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling without them thinking I didn’t want the best for them. I didn’t do anything rash, but I had to sit with the discontent for quite awhile. Even when they noticed and tried to help, I couldn’t be honest with them. I was afraid that it meant I didn’t love my friends.

Thankfully, another friend said something to me I’ll never forget: “We are constantly subconsciously comparing ourselves to the closest people in our lives”. That helped me feel like less of an evil person, which was the thing compounding my sadness. I learned that jealousy is a perfectly fine human emotion, and it’s how you deal with it that matters. I was finally able to share it with them and they were quite understanding. We are cool now.

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Mariam Sule

February 6, 2021

Her

female friendships, Friendship, jealousy