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It’s January AKA the month when more 9-5ers than usual quit their jobs because they’re ringing in the new year with a new branch of capitalism job.
This affects you as a co-worker because you’re stuck doing their work till your employer finds a replacement, if they ever do. Plan ahead by recognising these signs.
They’re unnecessarily hyper for January
TBH, the only way someone can be excited about returning to work after the holidays is if they have something exciting to look forward to. In this case, a better job. Look at that overly excited colleague with new eyes today.
They complain less
Suddenly, they no longer join you to gossip about your annoying boss and work wahala. It means they’re already one leg out. Be alert.
You start seeing them on social media
Everyone and their grandmother knows one of the first rules of the co-worker code is to block your co-workers on social media so you can rant about them in peace. Once you start seeing them on social media, it means they no longer see you as a threat AKA you’re no longer a co-worker.
Their social media posts are sus
They start dropping posts like, “Excited about what the next few months hold”. Do you really need another clue?
They ask about payslips
Who cares about tax deductions and all that math if it’s not that some other HR officer is asking for it so they can decide their benefits?
They miss meetings
Why would they care about meetings when the only thing on their mind is how to start orientation at their new company?
They go on leave or suddenly become sick
They want to enjoy as much time off as possible before resuming at their new job. If you doubt me, ask yourself how many people resign immediately after returning from leave, and you have your answer.
I love birthdays, but I hate that mine is in January. If people can change their names as often as they like, why can’t we change our birth dates too?
Stuck between December and February, January is the least exciting month of the year. Not only is it faced with so much negativity, it’s also been tagged the longest month of the year. Not because it has 31 days — after all, so does the beloved December — but because people suffer withdrawals from the holiday period, facing the consequences of all the financial decisions they made and switching back to modern slavery capitalism mode.
Growing up, I didn’t really understand this. That’s why when anyone said, “You know how January is” instead of getting me gifts or even remembering my birthday, I attributed it to being a middle child. To help people “plan” better, I usually had to start announcing my birthday at the beginning of December.
This worked with my nuclear family because every birthday from my 10th was celebrated, even if it was only with home-baked cake and Bobo drink. I’d always wondered how different it’d be if I were born at a different time in the year, not so close to the start or end — June or July, preferably. Would I still need to put in so much effort to be celebrated?
Now in my 20s, I’ve become less enthusiastic about my birthday with each passing year. Maybe it’s old age, or I’m just tired, or because I’ve joined the population of people awaiting January salary, but I don’t try to celebrate my birthday anymore. It’s just the one day I take off hating on January like the rest of the world.
I’ve gotten used to everyone complaining about being too broke in January to afford gifts or even go out. That’s why 2023 shocked me. Because for the first time, it seemed like everyone but me was excited about my birthday. They were so used to me planning my birthday weeks ahead, they were waiting excitedly for this year.
So even though I didn’t feel like doing anything, my sister kept insisting on a house party, which she went on to sponsor because, let’s be fucking for real, what money am I supposed to use? Not the salary from December that finished that same December. My friend even offered to plan while everyone outdid themselves with gifts. Now, I’m plagued with spending the rest of the year buying birthday presents for everyone — even those I’d typically not gift — because they got me something.
It’s been just a few days since my birthday, and people have already started talking about Valentine’s Day, which is in February, FGS. Guys, you had December to do all your “love” things. Can you all let January have it’s moment?
Before you join the million other people hating on January, you should know there are things you can do to help make it suck a little less.
Start doing these things if you want to get through January in one piece.
Fast
To make it better, some churches declare fasts in January. Even if you aren’t religious, you can pretend it’s because you want to lose the Christmas weight, and not because your account balance is dead and buried. You can’t go wrong with fasting.
Become an introvert
It’s not like there’s anywhere you can go. The parties are over, and most people are back to steady grinding.
But still attend owambes
People will still throw wedding parties every weekend like they’re not in this same Nigeria. That’s their own. Your own is to attend and eat free food.
Trek everywhere
Use it as a form of exercise. You can even think about your life and why you thought it was okay to finish your December salary before Christmas while at it.
Because you need to let out your frustrations. Fight with danfo conductors, or just drag people on Twitter, if throwing physical blows isn’t your thing.
Drink more water
A wise woman once said, “The one whose stomach is filled with water doesn’t desire food” or something like that. To make yourself feel better, you can even say you’re doing it for clearer skin.
Become prayerful
Make no mistake, you’ll need an all-powerful force to keep you relatively sane this month. The good thing is it works hand-in-hand with fasting.
Try your hand at motivational quotes
You need to believe you can aspire to maguire because the 774 days in January will try to break your spirit. Be prepared.
The time every capitalist slave dreads is finally here. The holidays are ending, and your owner, capitalism, is about to take over.
Let’s take you through all the stages and emotions you’ll experience in the coming days.
At first, you’ll be indifferent
You’ve just been sleeping and eating for a while now, and work is the last thing on your mind… if it’s even on your mind at all.
Then, reality starts to kick in
Your office is already sending you season’s greetings and “can’t wait to see you at the office” messages. How many days was the holiday sef?
You start considering your options
You start thinking of excuses to stretch your holiday as much as possible. What if you tell oga that the only filling station in your village burned down and there’s no fuel for buses to travel back to your city? They should understand.
Before realising you have no choice
Because no matter what excuses you give, capitalism always wins. Unless you don’t have issues with poverty or sleeping under the bridge.
Cue in anger
Then you start blaming everyone and anyone for your predicament. Who even decided people have to work to survive? Whose ancestor invented work, and why do we have to suffer because of that?
You finally resume
And paste on fake smiles when the office oversabi starts talking about how much they missed everyone at the office. Stop it, Sandra. We know you’re lying.
And embrace fake humility
Have you forgotten it’s January? No buying of unnecessary amala at lunch. Better hide somewhere and drink your garri in peace if you want to survive the coming days.
Start counting down to the next holiday
How can the next holiday be all the way in April? Why isn’t Valentine’s Day a public holiday? Don’t we all need time off to celebrate the power of love?
At this point, everyone and their family members can relate to January being the longest and most challenging month of the year. We usually receive our salaries in the thick of Detty December, making it hard for us to save and plan for the new year. While this year’s January seems to be speeding, many of us may still be stuck in the financial trenches right now. We asked some Nigerian dads about their current January situation and how they’re avoiding SAPA.
“Why are we paying over N150,000 for a child who isn’t learning anything?” — Kamdi, 43
I have three kids, so it’s easy to assume I would be used to January and its wahala by now, but alas. My little one started creche this month, and because there’s a four-year gap between the baby and her older brother, we hadn’t done this creche or baby thing in a while. Omo, everything don cost! Why are we paying over N150,000 for a child who isn’t learning anything? I tried to talk my wife out of it, but I started looking like an enemy of progress, so we just went through with it. We can afford it, but I still think it’s unnecessary. How are we surviving the new cost? Well, my wife is going back to work. Last last, two incomes are better than one. But there’s no way we’re having another baby, not even by mistake.
“Our baby came early, but we’re trying to make it work” — Nsikan, 31
Being a dad changes your life. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s actually true. I’m a first-time dad and my baby who was due to come in March arrived in the last week of 2021. I can’t even begin to explain how draining it has been physically, mentally and financially. We had a solid plan, but this baby looked at us and said, “Dear sir/ma, fuck your plans.”
So far, we’ve had to dig into our savings to pay for two surgeries and his incubation since insurance wouldn’t cover everything. This is not how we planned our first time as parents, but thankfully we’d saved as much as we could. It’s annoying that I can’t complain because children — early or on time — are a gift from God and I don’t want to be ungrateful. Hopefully, this whole thing ends before the month runs out.
“I hate that rent is in January, but I think I have a system” — Toye, 30
Paying rent stresses me out. I’ve always hated the idea and it’s probably the main reason why I didn’t move out of my parent’s house until I was married. My wife and I moved into a new apartment in 2019 and it’s expensive AF. Renewing our rent in 2020 almost made me cry because honestly, I suck at saving. I tell myself I’ll put cash away, but I just never seem to do it. Two years ago, to avoid stories that touch, I started saving aggressively, using one of those saving apps that deduct money from your account. It worked out well for 2021’s rent. This year, I’m ready to pay rent at the end of the month. I’m now so used to these things that I have a savings account for everything down to the next PlayStation because heaven knows my wife will buy me a white collared shirt again.
“My wife lost her job, but we meuve” — Nonso, 28
Everyone else keeps saying that January is moving with speed this year, but for me and my family, it’s literally crawling. My wife lost her job in November last year and it’s been crazy for us. It’s not like we’re dying or anything, but losing one source of income changes the dynamics in your home. My wife suggested that she and the kids move in with her parents since they have money. I feel weird about it, but I don’t have a choice and I know it’s temporary, pending when we get back on our feet. It’s good to know that all I have to worry about is rent and school fees, let them sit there and eat grandpa and grandma’s money abeg.
“Everything is unnecessarily expensive in December, so I sit at home” — Louis, 30
My pro-tip for surviving January as a dad, a man, Nigerian or human being is to sit your ass at home in December. I’ve noticed over the past few years that December is just expensive for no bloody reason. All the car-hailing apps are on a permanent surge, restaurants decide it’s time to print out new menus, concerts that used to be N5,000 for regular tickets become N25,000 and everyone just starts to move mad with money. I try to create fun and affordable plans for my kids, because I owe them a good time before life starts to give them gbas gbos. Outside this, no other plans for December. I sit at home through the month, so when January comes with rent, school fees, black tax and all its other burdens, I’m not out here looking like a big fool.
After “Detty December” comes “E choke” January, but that will not be your portion. If you follow these six tips religiously, “insufficient funds” will have nothing on you.
Pro tip: Number two always works.
1. Break up with your partner
You guys can make-up later, but you have to remain focused on securing the bag. Break up now, love won’t feed you.
2. Take Buju’s advice
Don’t go outside ooo. There’s debit alert everywhere. You never know where you’ll enter and your account will suddenly become minus 100k. Take heart ehn; it’s only a while. The outside is not running away.
3. Befriend your boss
Who else has the future of your account balance in their hands if not your boss? Start dusting their shoes and washing the plates they use for lunch at the office. If you don’t see your salary in January, at least you know who to fight (not us, plis).
4. Start planting what you’ll eat in January
Why spend money on food when you can harvest? See, carry hoe and watering can and transform that barren backyard of yours into a food court.
5.
Stock up on vibes and Insha’Allah
For every event, hangout or fun memory you make, keep a portion of the vibes aside for rainy days in January. It’s just thirty days, insha’Allah, you will survive.
6. Fast and pray
If people ask how come you are beginning to look thin and poor in January, tell them you are observing a special prayer and fasting period for supernatural blessings. Kabaya!
7. Lock your funds till mid January
Then throw away the key and forget you have anything called money somewhere. Your January self will thank you.
If your salary has finished or you’re on your last leg, I welcome you. Seeing as I fit into one the categories above, I asked 10 people how they’d manage their last ₦10,000 till the end of the 100 days of January.
When are we collecting the salary we'll spend in January?
1) “Bless the money so it can multiply like Jesus did.”
2) “How can you manage 10,000 for 100 days?”
3) “Fast, and use the money to break your fast at the end of the month.”
4) “Put that ₦10,000 in Cowrywise, not Piggyvest. Cowrywise because they won’t let you break the bank no matter how hard you try.”
5) “Don’t forget to cry every morning. You’ll need it to get through the day.”
6) “Buy Bitcoin and pray it doesn’t cast.”
7) “Just try not to breathe because Lagos air alone is ₦2,500.”
8) “I’m averse to suffer head so I’ll fist buy beer and pepper soup. Then I’ll use the change to rent a gun. I should be sorted after one or two operations.”
9) “I’m sorry, I can’t relate.”
10) “I’ll first buy ₦5,000 suya to calm myself down. Then I’ll think of the next step.”
How would you manage ₦10,000 till the end of January? Let us know in the comments section!
