Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 

Throughout the Bond franchise, James Bond has been sent on different missions to several countries, but have you ever seen the man in Nigeria?

No, and there’s a reason why. 

If James Bond were ever sent to Nigeria, this episode of Just Imagine shows the ridiculousness that would go down.

James Bond, a white British male dressed in an expensive designer suit, is standing in the middle of Oshodi, a busy area in Lagos. He sticks out like a sore thumb.

He taps on his watch and a hologram of another white man appears.

Man: Your mission is to bring in a corrupt minister. Get an Uber to the Mushin Local Government, get your ammo and proceed to the minister’s villa to make the arrest.

James Bond: Got it, sir.

Man: You have 24 hours, Mr. Bond. Good luck.

The hologram goes off. At that moment, a danfo driver blares his horn and sticks his head out of his window.

Danfo Driver: (yells) Werey! You dey crase? You no go commot for road?

James Bond, quite confident, stares at the driver daring him to do his worst.

Annoyed, the driver stomps hard on his accelerator and charges straight for James Bond. He nearly hits him before James flies out of the way.

Danfo Driver: You for wait now! Werey! They receive call for road!

James Bond: 

The Danfo Driver throws an empty Bigi Cola bottle at James Bond’s head before he zooms off. James Bond ducks and the bottle hits a street tout.

He turns and sees James Bond standing there.

Tout: Heis Oyinbo! Na you throw bottle for my head?

James Bond ignores him and starts to walk away. The tout charges at him.

Tout: You dey crase? No be you I dey talk to?

Tout tries to hit him, but James Bond sticks a pen in his neck. This pen paralyzes the tout from his neck down. He falls to the ground.

Tout: (weakly) Jesos oooo!

This causes a scene and the other touts come to his rescue. A street fight ensues. They start to chase James Bond.

STREET

James Bond is still being chased by eight men, but he manages to lose them when he runs into a small street.

He taps on his wrist and finds out his watch is gone.

James Bond:

James Bond walks into the street and stops a yellow taxi. A taxi stops and the taxi driver looks out from the window.

Taxi driver: Where you dey go?

James Bond: Mushin Local Government.

Taxi driver: Your money is 25k.

James Bond slips into the back but the taxi driver refuses to move.

James Bond: What?

Taxi driver: (mimicking his British accent) Woh?

James Bond: (confused)

Taxi driver: Am I your driver that you will be sitting at the back?

James Bond: (further confused) What?

Taxi driver: I say come and sit for front!

James Bond moves to the front.  They drive in silence for a minute.

Taxi driver: Oga.

James Bond: Yes, mate.

Taxi driver: Can you do visa for me?

James Bond: What?

Taxi driver: Every time woh woh. I say do visa for me. I graduated since 2007 but NYSC has not sent call-up letter. So, I want to leave this country.

James Bond: You graduated? With what grade? 

Taxi driver: They didn’t give me because they rusticate me. 

James Bond: So you didn’t graduate.

Taxi driver: In my mind, I graduate.

James Bond: 

Taxi driver: I want Australia.

MUSHIN LOCAL GOVERNMENT.

James Bond walks into the local government office. He sees a secretary peeling egusi. There is also a tray of ewedu by the side.

He walks right past the secretary.

Secretary: You, you’re blind, you can’t see me to greet?

James Bond ignores her and enters right into the office but does not see anyone. He comes back out to meet the secretary.

James: Your boss is not around?

The secretary ignores him and focuses on her egusi.

James Bond: Did he leave a message for me?

The secretary starts singing a gospel song.

James Bond: (infuriated) Answer me!

Secretary: Your head is not correct! You dey crase! Na now you dey see me abi?

James Bond: I am sorry. I need some ammo for a mission.

The secretary hisses and brings out an old gun and two bullets.

James Bond:

James Bond: That’s all? Where is the AK 47? And machine guns?

Secretary: Which money will we use to buy that one?

James Bond: Grenade?

The secretary hisses and looks inside her cabinet. She brings out a grenade and gives it to James Bond.

It falls as she passes it to him. The ‘grenade’ breaks.

James Bond: …

Secretary: …

James Bond: Did you paint an egg green?

Secretary: When I tell you we don’t have money before, your ear was paining you?

James Bond: At least where is the car I will drive?

The secretary drops a car key on the table. James Bond takes it and walks out.

OUTSIDE

He steps out to find an old rickety Beetle. He looks at the secretary and she stares back.

He finally enters the car and turns on the ignition. The car refuses to start. He tries again and the car does the same.

The secretary, who is standing by the door, shouts.

Secretary: You will push it first now!

James Bond:

James Bond steps into the busy street and jumps in front of a moving car. The car skids and stops.

James Bond: Step out! I’m commandeering this vehicle!

Driver: 

James Bond: STEP OUT!

Driver: E be like say you dey crase. Come on, get out of here!

The driver tries to hit James Bond before he flies out of the way.

Driver: ODE! WAKA!

The secretary sucks on an orange and shouts from behind him.

Secretary: Just push the car we gave you and stop doing all this serenren!

James Bond starts pushing the car.

James Bond is finally driving the rickety car down an express slowly and people keep honking at him to move faster.

A police officer stops him and he parks.

Officer Kay: Hello! Who are you? Where are your papers?

James Bond: Unfortunately, I don’t have them right now.

Officer Kay: Ehn?

James Bond: I don’t have them. This car is from the government.

Officer Kay: Which work you dey do?

James Bond: I’m a spy.

Officer Kay: …

James Bond: (raises a gun and smiles)

Officer Kay: …

James Bond: …

Office Kay: (screams) Oga! I don see tiff o!

Officer Kay pulls James Bond out of the car.  James Bond fights his way out of his grasp and escapes.

Officer Kay: (shouts) I’ve mark your face! I’ve mark it!

MINISTER’S VILLA

Against all the challenges, James Bond arrives at the minister’s villa and sneaks in.

A beautiful woman is typing away on her phone and James Bond walks up to her.

James Bond: The name’s Bond… James Bond.

Woman: What now concern me?

James Bond: I am on a mission to bring the man living here to book.

Woman: Ok. But what concern me? 

James Bond: I’m 007.

Woman: Oga, do wetin you wan do and leave me. I’m busy

James Bond: I want…

The woman hisses and walks away.

 MINISTER’S LIVING ROOM

James Bond breaks into the Minister’s living room. The Minister is sitting with his wife and they have a live band and camera crew. The band is in full swing but they all stop as James Bond storms in.

James Bond: I am here to arres… (stops) Wha… What is going on here? 

Minister: We are doing music video.

James Bond: What?

Minister: Are you deaf?? Music video!

James Bond: Shouldn’t you be in a cabinet meeting?

Minister: And how will I produce music video if I am inside meeting… (hiss) Why didn’t you come fast?

James Bond: You knew I was coming?

Minister: Ehnehn now. (yells) Chidi! Bring bag for him.

A young man, Chidi, runs out with a bag full of cash and hands it to James Bond.

Minister: Use it to tush up your life (to the band) Oya continue!

The band picks up again and the Minister starts singing his gospel song.

Minister: (stops) wait. (to James Bond) Come and stand behind me. I want oyinbo to be in the music video.

Chidi pushes James Bond to stand behind the Minister and gives him a MIC.

Minister: You will be shouting BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE. Oya start.

James Bond:…

Minister:  SING!

James Bond: BLESSED THE PEOPLE THE LORD HAS CHOSEN AS HIS HERITAGE

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.