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Imagine a world where real life was actually Instagram lite, and people talked the same way they wrote their Instagram captions. What would that be like?
Hits blunt
They would make absolutely no sense
You’d be in a work meeting, trying your best to contribute your quota to capitalism and justify your salary, when your boss asked people to share ideas on a subject.
Of course, you’d immediately try to look like you’re busy thinking, even though all that’s in your head is how you forgot to warm yesterday’s leftover rice. And then the office oversabi would blurt out: “This idea felt cute, but I might delete it later”.
LMAO. You say what?
Communication? We don’t know her
On your way home, while thinking about the madness that transpired at the office, you’d jump on a danfo, ready to put the stress of the work day behind you, when you came across another wonder.
The conductor would angle his neck towards where you’re sitting beside the driver and gesture to his head. It’ll take a couple of minutes before you notice his t-shirt says, “Double-tap conductor’s head to support his brand”.
There would be a slight language barrier — and I don’t mean normal human language
You’d finally get to your bus stop, but first deciding to branch the market close to your house first to buy spaghetti for dinner, you’d meet yet another surprise.
You (to the seller): Please give me one pack of spaghetti.
Seller: This spaghetti is the best one in the market, and with shikini money, you’ll get free delivery within Lagos and Abeokuta.
You: Madam, which one is delivery again? I just want to buy and go, please.
Seller: Click the link in bio to shop the best spag. Hashtag Spaghetti sellers in Lagos, hashtag sellers of Instagram, hashtag sexy cooks in…
You: …
Confusion would reign supreme
You’d finally get home only to find your girlfriend and her besties posing in front of your door, looking sexy AF.
You: Babe, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s happening?
Babe: Happiness is being yourself.
You: I don’t get.
Babe: Looking good, doing better.
You: Is everybody alright today?
Babe (in a new pose): In love with me, myself and I.
You: …
Babe (in another pose): Only God can judge me.
You: When you people finish, you know where your house is.
You’d finally enter the apartment, confused as hell, only to wake up the next day to realise… every day would be the exact same thing.
Hmm, so you want to add me to your ‘Close Friends’ on Instagram. Thank you oh, the gesture is appreciated. Very appreciated, in fact. But to make lives easier for both of us, I want you to answer these questions.
1. First of all, are we friends?
Because if we are not friends and you add me, then this arrangement is not a mutual something. In fact, you have wasted ‘Close Friends’ slot.
2. Are we really close friends?
It’s not the one you will add me, I will now be watching videos of you and your actual close friends chopping life. Walahi talahi, I’ll cause trouble.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how interesting is your life?
Let us know now before you trap me inside Close Friends that will make me look somehow if I leave.
4. What do you plan to post in the ‘Close Friends’?
Eating spaghetti? Driving car? Singing along to Wizkid while nodding your head like an agama lizard? If those things are in your content calendar, please open the door of your Close Friends, let me leave.
5. Will you be showing nudity?
Shebi we are close friends? Please post your birthday suit, let’s appreciate the goodness of God in your life.
6. Will you be telling me dark secrets that you haven’t told anybody else?
For example, how you killed your nanny when you were 3 and your parents covered it up by sending you to Yankee. Tell me your darkest secrets abeg. After all, what are close friends for?
7. Will I see a hidden part of you that nobody else knows?
I know there is more to you than swimming pool and coding and wig and creamy pasta. Unleash the kraken and let me see.
8. Will you be chopping life and inviting me?
I cannot be watching you chop life and not get an invite. Do you want me to screen record and show your parents?
If you will not do any of these things, please remove me from that Close Friends with immediate alacrity. I appreciate your generosity, but I am not your target audience.
Not only will you able to put #SunKissed in the caption, but people will also be too focused on the illusion of flawlessness intense sunlight gives the skin in photos.
2) Take the picture from belowfor full pictures
Especially if you’re short. It makes you look taller.
3) Take a picture with a more attractive person.
People will be too focused on their beauty to notice your ugliness. And you still get points because it technically is your picture.
4) Find a beautiful background for your picture.
Everyone will be too focused on it to give a shit about you.
5) Intentionally make a bad face.
So people will think that you’re ugly…on purpose.
6) Use a black and white filter.
Everything looks good in black and white. Why not you?
Luxury in Nigeria is a term that doesn’t exactly mean what you think. When you imagine luxury in Nigeria, start by picturing a velvet box with satin lining. Everything will make sense after that.
1. Package everything in a velvet box that has satin inside.
Even if it’s plastic spoon you are selling. Packaging matters, dear.
2. All your items must be expensive as hell.
That’s why your store is called a luxury store. Not for broke people.
3. A carefully curated feed.
Don’t just dump photos anyhow. Post like someone that has purpose. That way, when anyone sees your page, they will be eager to open their purse and spend money.
4. No refunds.
Yes oh. Before somebody will buy pant, wear it, and then return it because it did not size them. Nigerians are wild, sis. You need to come prepared.
5. And finally, be rude.
Rude means you’re expensive and classy. Doing gentle-gentle with customers, especially Nigerian customers, will make them take you fi idiat. So, be very rude. Lock your DMs and don’t open until they offer sacrifices. Even then sef, remain cold. When you find out that they’re rich though, switch up immediately and become sweet.
If there is one thing staying at home has unlocked for many Nigerians, it’s boredom. People are bored and are seeking new ways of keeping themselves occupied. From social media challenges to texting old flames, people are bored.
Nigerian celebrities have found new ways to keep us entertained in this dire period and we have been getting music producer vs music producer battle edition on Instagram live. With these veterans comparing catalogs and jams they have produced for famous Nigerian musicians.
The first set of people to open the floor were Shizzi Vs Sarz and that edition left so many people blown away that it spurred another showdown set: Pheelz vs Masterkraft.
Here’s a sinppet from Sarz vs Shizzi:
Shizzi felt he had Sarz in the box when he played Davido's Dami Duro! Little did he know Sarz was coming with Wizkid's X Drake's number 1 song in the world!!😂😎
So, the gist is that even though they went head to head, there wasn’t a formal conclusion because Masterkraft left the battle before it ended and there was no conclusive victor.
Nevertheless, both producers put up a spectacular show and reminded us of just how rich the Nigerian music scene is. However, Twitter people who can never be trusted to behave had a lot to say about the battle.
Here are some of the more out of pocket responses to that entertaining performance from the two legends:
1) Officer, arrest this man!
Since nobody has tweeted it:
Pheelz showed that you shouldn't judge a man by his first round
— Four-eyed Edo Boy™ (@Alex_Houseof308) April 2, 2020
Masterkraft: Na we start Mr Eazi career *goes on to play one good Eazi song* Pheelz: Okay, wait here proper Eazi hit *plays Surrender* Masterkraft: pic.twitter.com/knLpxz3s44
Y’all know Nigerian humour is the maddest and undisputed champion in the world–yes I said it. Nigerians are also known to be the funniest nation, jokes apart, how else would we survive the shenanigans in the country if we don’t have a huge sense of humour?
Many Nigerians are proving that laughter is good for the soul and comedy is the prescription through social media accounts we can’t help but stan. Narrowing it down, we’ve picked 10 Instagram accounts that have us rolling over backwards, hollering with laughter:
1) Maraji
Gloria Oloruntobi is a well established brand in the comedy industry and she is keeping the fire burning with her one-man skits that are so relatable! Oh, and did we tell you that she can mimic ANYBODY?
Williams monologuing leaves everyone in tears of laughter. He kills it everytime with his #idontlikewhatihate trend and his Igbo accent and mindset to everything.
Known for his, “something jus appen right now” intro, Lasisi is the king of rants. His short videos are so funny, he delivers his complaints in the most hilarious way.
Ebiye is a great supporter of the arts, he’s one of those comedians that spotlights other acts while doing his own thing. His comedy delivery is quite amazing.
He’s a rapper, music producer and song writer, but he just had to make this list! Ditweni’s lyrical skill is so mad and most times they border on the hilarious. As far as we are concerned, Ditweni is a good comedian with great tunes. Just watch this:
His consistent and relatable skits have a lot of viewership that we truly respect. He also features other acts in his videos, which gives his fans a double dose of hilarity.
Presented without commentary, seven of the most photographed places in Lagos would like to vent.
These are their words.
1) Lekki Conservation Centre:
“They won’t say anything because they’re nice but people are sick and tired of hearing about how you almost died of fright on the canopy walkway. Also, me, you, and Jesus know that you never learned how to play chess.So you’re fooling absolutely no one by posing with the giant chess pieceswith a pensive look on your face, you fucking fraud.”
“That being said, y’all’s patronage keeps me open so feel free to mosey on down whenever you feel like deceiving people on Facebook into believing that you have an active social life.”
2) Lekki-Ikoyi Link Bridge:
“I don’t have the stats to back this up (because I’m a bridge) but I’m pretty sure Kim Kardashian has nothing on me when it comes to being photographed. At first, I loved all the attention I was getting. I’m pretty much a discount Golden Gate bridge rip-off so it makes sense that literally every photographer wanna-be with a cheap camera would want a picture of me at sunset or some shit like that. But now, the other bridges are beefing me (Third mainland bridge hasn’t spoken to me in years). It’ll be great if y’all just chill with the pictures for a little while so the other basic bridges can stop feeling bad.”
“Also, to all those people who run across me, pretending to exercise while they cruise for sex, I’m judging the hell out of you.”
3) Nike Art Gallery:
“You might pretend like you’re here to admire the over 7000 pieces of art in me but the truth is you couldn’t care less about art. You’re only here to take the 30 pictures you’ll upload to Instagram over the next 15 weeks. And you know what?
That’s perfectly fine.
Be sure to show up with frizzy hair, dressed in a tie & dye shirt, fanny pack made out of beads, and rusted nose ring so that when you upload four of the pictures to Twitter with some incredibly cliche caption like, “Art is Life,”you’ll blend in perfectly with the woke crowd.”
4) The Tea Room:
“Some of you make me wish my interior wasn’t so pretty. My price list isn’t even insane like some of these other restaurants engaging in highway robbery on a daily but you people just come in, get the cheapest thing on the menu and dive into the flowers to start photoshoots. You disgust me.”
5) Hardrock Cafe:
“If all you do when you come here is take pictures with the sign outside, who’s going to eat my wildly overpriced burgers, huh? WHO’S GOING TO EAT THEM?!”
6) Nok by Alara:
“You know what? I’m not even offended. If someplace tried to sell me three pieces of gentrified puff puff (insanely spelt as pof pof ) for₦800, I’d only go there to take pictures too.”
7) The Cathedral Church Of Christ:
“All y’all sinners need to take your china phones with 5-megapixel cameras and get the hell out of me! GET OUT! GO! So help me, I will call on lightning to strike…”
In another episode of celebrities clapping back at rude people online, we have Davido VS a fan.
It all started when a video of a little boy singing Davido’s hit song “IF” went viral a few days ago.
Davido saw this, was touched by it, reached out to the boy and promised to take care of his family from now on.
A lot of people praised Davido for having a good heart and helping the less privileged.
But there is always that bad belle that shows up to say nonsense. That person that can’t just see a good thing being done and be happy. That was this person.
Now this could’ve gotten lost in the sea of positive comments under Davido’s post but it didn’t and honestly we are glad.
Because terrible people like this need to be put in their place. So when Davido replied with this
We were like
And like
Then like
This should teach trolls that they can’t just come online, say nonsense and get away with it every time.
Random person on Instagram, it is good for you. Next time don’t be rude.
If you enjoyed this, take this quiz to see if you are more Wizkid or Davido.
Celebrities. Sometimes you look at them and it seems like they’re heavenly beings but that’s not true. They’e just like us. They mess up and embarrass themselves just like everybody else. To prove this, here is a list of 5 times Nigerian celebrities messed up on social media.
1. That time Oge Okoye stole dogs from Instagram and did naming ceremony for them.
We all remember this. Oge Okoye stole a picture of American reality show star, Kenya Moore’s dogs and claimed them as hers. She even gave them different names! A Kenya Moore fan page on Instagram discovered Oge Okoye’s lie and exposed her to the world (i.e Nigeria) and in the process, referred to her as “some lady in Africa”. Nigerians went on social media and mercilessly dragged Oge Okoye by her weave and even started the #OgeOkoyeChallenge where people posted pictures of stuff that was obviously not theirs and then claimed to own it. One question remains on the minds of Nigerians tho, Just how many times has Oge Okoye done stuff like this in the past?
2. That time Tuface lied about collaborating with R.Kelly
The year was 2009. Tuface Idibia had just released the “Unstoppable” album. Tuface announced that he had a song coming out that he had done with American R&B superstar, R.Kelly and Nigeria collectively freaked out. We couldn’t wait for the song to drop. When it finally did, people were disappointed because something about the song was off. The beat used in the song had already been used in an old R.Kelly song and this made people question its authenticity. A few months after this, R.Kelly came to Nigeria for the ThisDay music festival and inside sources revealed that R.Kelly claimed to have never heard of Tuface before and laughed at the song they had supposedly recorded together. The inside sources also revealed that R.Kelly said to have made that beat a long time ago and Tuface probably found it somewhere on the internet. Tuface’s manager insisted that the song was legit and that R.Kelly recorded his part and sent it in. A classic case of lying to cover up more lies. Tuface and R.Kelly (with a bunch of other African artists) eventually recorded a song together named “Hands Across The World” so I guess you could say this was a case of Tuface predicting the future. LOL
3. That time Skiibii faked his death as a publicity stunt
There is a high chance that you don’t know who Skiibii is. Let us tell you why.
Skiibii (whose name sounds like an STD) is a Five Star Music music artiste that debuted in 2015 and in an attempt to quickly raise his popularity levels, decided it would be a good idea to fake his death and eventual resurrection in what eventually became known as the worst publicity stunt in Nigerian entertainment history. Five Star Music lied about him dying (releasing the picture above), lied about him ‘defeating death’ and then when Nigerians figured out that the whole thing was a hoax, they released obviously staged hospital pictures. Nigerians can’t be deceived tho so they dragged Skiibii and the entire record label on social media. The funny thing about this is that after the whole thing, Skiibii still did not blow. LOL!
4. That time Lizzy Anjorin destroyed us with her English
https://youtube.com/watch?v=BORgtEvWNDQ
It was supposed to be a cute video of her playing with her dogs. Things went wrong when one dog (named ‘Pretty’) got pissed at the other dog (named ‘Terror’) for some reason and began to attack him. Lizzy decided to step in and separate the fight and in the process screamed, “Pretty stop it! Stop JEALOUS!” when she should’ve said, “Stop being jealous”. Nigerians had a field day with this one on social media.
5. That time Denrele fell off the stage while dancing
https://youtube.com/watch?v=UIJ4KZmdy5Y
In 2015, the manic TV presenter that we know and love, Denrele Edun, was dancing violently on stage at an event in Port Harcourt when he tripped on his trademark insanely long braids and fell off the stage. It was freaking hilarious. It was funny until we found out that the accident resulted in him breaking his neck. That made it funnier. I swear we are not terrible people.
If you enjoyed this, read this next article to see really old pictures of some Nigerian celebrities.
So there’s been a wave of people taking advantage of cheaper internet rates to use Instagram as a digital store. But among them are people who just want to scam you. Here’s how to spot them.
1. Their accounts are always set on private.
What are you hiding?
2. You have to send a request, so they can size up the mumu in you before they add.
“This one is a mumu.”
3. Their products are always extremely cheap.
So you can order plenty things.
4. And the only comments you’ll see are nice ones.
“This shoe is lovely!”
5. In fact, if you check well, you’ll see that there may be no comments at all.
Why are they deleting comments?
6. When you ask how they accept payment, they say it’s pay before service.
Why can’t I pay on delivery?
7. And when you ask for guarantee, they give you a long ass essay about trusting them.
Who trust help?
8. They keep calling to know when you will transfer the money to their accounts.
“When will you pay for the goods, please?”
9. And if you check their numbers on True Caller, you’ll see BS names like ‘Mades Closet’ or ‘Trumps Collections’.
Trump. Really?
10. They always give you some account number they opened remotely.
So you can never trace it with ease.
11. People of God, the moment you transfer that money, they block you on WhatsApp and Instagram.
That’s right.
12. And that’s when you know you’ve been scammed.
You’re in soup!
13. Shout out to all the Instagram vendors that have scammed and are still scamming people.
There are over 7 billion people on earth today with obviously diverse cultures and ways of life. But why should food cause a huge fight between people of different nationalities?
It all started when Love & Hip-Hop Star, Tammy Rivera shared a picture of a plate of Pounded Yam and Egusi on her Instagram.
Those who found it disgusting commented saying the egusi looked really nasty.
And Nigerians brought the rage of their ancestors (and fuel queues), calling them slaves for daring to bash their beloved Egusi soup.
And then it became a full blown war between Nigerians and anybody that thought Egusi looked gross.
Some Nigerians bashed other people’s foods.
And people’s education and English speaking skills were questioned.
When did weaves and make up have anything to do with Egusi soup?
And while this messy fight was going on, Tammy explained to a fan who really wanted to know how she fell in love with Egusi.
Why are they cursing themselves on another person’s Instagram page over food?
When people that have to queue all night for fuel are calling people with constant supply of electricity slaves.
Not even all Nigerians like Egusi soup but Nigerians still went in to fight like…
When you try to ignorantly bash a Nigerian food but Nigerians came for you like..
Not all foods will be appealing to everybody, we all have our different preferences. However, people should learn about other cultures before commenting or simply just unlook!
Whoever said pictures never lie definitely does not live in this century.
Instagram’s official account on the app has a tradition of engaging their followers by throwing creative photo challenges with various hashtags.
These 11 photos were taken with the aim of creating an optical illusion by simply placing objects or people in different positions and taking the photos from various perspectives.
Brows are usually raised at older men who hold unnecessary conversations and consequently make advances to underage girls.
What are you even looking for, sir?
Tyga broke his first record of dating underage girls at 25 when he landed his current girlfriend Kylie when she was just 17.
Because, catch them young.
He dropped a single titled “Stimulated” with questionable lyrics focused on intercourse with a younger girl.
Could he be referring to his girlfriend? Maybe. The internet world made little noise about it and got with the program after a while because she was only a year younger than 18.
But like the proverbial leopard that never changes its spots, Tyga was alleged to have been in love with and keeping in close touch with a 14 year old Instagram model and singer.
Wow!
Molly O’Malia then came out in (crocodile) tears to the press after a blurred picture of her was plastered on a magazine, blaming her for breaking Tyga and Kylie up in November, 2015.
She mentioned how he slid into her DMs and constantly messaged her, asking her to FaceTime with him more than once.
Tyga has gone on TMZ to say he was only interested in her singing talent but the press and blogs aren’t having any of it.
Launched in 2014 by 25 year old Nigerian, Angela Nwandu, The Shade Room is one of the fastest growing gossip blogs in America.
Following the death of her mother and separation from her father, she went through several forms of abuse in the foster system and still managed to bag a scholarship to study Accounting at Loyola Mary Mount University.
Few lessons can be learned from her style of work and gradual takeover of the blogging world and here are some of them:
Rather than posting just celebrity thirst traps, Angela is able to find the juiciest celebrity amebo on Instagram. If Rick Ross makes a comment, she sees it. If Nicki Minaj likes a photo or unfollows someone, The Shade Room notices. We’re not saying Instagram is only good for amebo though.
Not every time steal people’s pictures, sometimes credit your sources. The Shade Room plans on buying images once the company is able to afford exclusive photos.
3. Celebrities are your friends.
In the shade room, celebrities like Chris Brown and Khloe Kardashian have felt comfortable enough to air their views without trouble in the comment section. In simple terms, don’t “carry your shoulder up”.
4. Obstacles can be overcome.
Despite getting shut down twice, they managed to recover the over 2 million followers on their Instagram account. This sounds familiar but we’re not mentioning names sha.
Issues such as the Black Lives Matter hashtag and a bit of politics have been mentioned on the platform. Unless you like being known for being only good at spreading gossip sha.
6. Avoid blogging about seriously controversial issues.
After the dramatic events that followed the release of a transgender woman’s photo with Rich Homie Quan, extremely sensitive information such as private sexuality are no longer discussed on The Shade room.
Meet Gloria Oloruntobi, a Covenant University student who has unlocked all known levels of lip syncing and impression making on Instagram. She makes her lip sync videos via the musical.ly app.
Relationship goals. All over twitter…all over Facebook, we see great photos of couples and just say: Relationship goals. I don’t disagree, I think that the internet knows exactly what the ideal relationship looks like, tbh.
So let’s learn. This time from Timi Dakolo and his wife, Busola Dakolo’s Instagram pages. They have the most natural looking love I’ve ever seen. From time to time, I just go through their Instagram to motivate myself. They make it look sooo easy. His instagram page is chock full of his wife’s pictures, so there’s no mistaking how important she is to him:
When he called her his tomorrow and forever
https://instagram.com/p/5JjxIdP1xO/
Aww shucks!
When she said he’s her Man Crush Forever
https://instagram.com/p/027B4BQMUS/
Look at that happy smile.
When he called her all these uber sweet names on her birthday
https://instagram.com/p/trhx1eP1wA/
She’s his little basketballer.
When they worked up a sweat…together
https://instagram.com/p/7LgGulP12V/
You know what they say…
When they showed that couples can goof around together…
https://instagram.com/p/0_GU09QMSF/
….so they will stay together.
When she traveled and he couldn’t stop posting pictures of her
https://instagram.com/p/6oqDIov195/
Ugh…cuteness overload.
When he tried to teach her how to dance
https://instagram.com/p/t7lMM1P16a/
I want!
When we saw their stunning wedding magazine cover
https://instagram.com/p/nfOuCBQMX5/
Look how natural they are together…
Everytime they make marriage look so easy…and fun
https://instagram.com/p/mMxGKGQMfa/
https://instagram.com/p/yWe93-QMcy/
This is the love everyone wants
When they did Karaoke together…
https://instagram.com/p/mN06uwQMWh/
He even loves her voice. Guys take note.
When he told the world he was obsessed with her smile
https://instagram.com/p/sfGgblv1-M/
See!!!
When he ‘dressed’ her up for church
https://instagram.com/p/tM6cZOP14F/
They pray together.
This picture where they just look absolutely perfect together
https://instagram.com/p/3HcCLewMR8/
Them sneakers though!
When they played truth or dare. Guys!!!
https://instagram.com/p/tutEEhv1zy/
Side eye at you.
When he publicly thanked her for making him beans and dodo
https://instagram.com/p/qFMqvJv15E/
He doesn’t take her cooking for granted.
Which she served in his football club’s jersey
https://instagram.com/p/tLlApxv12b/
I’m going to ignore the fact that it’s an Arsenal jersey.
When he followed her to the hair salon…and hung out there
https://instagram.com/p/qOsvwcP178/
Yet you complain.
Their kids look so frigging adorable
https://instagram.com/p/rJZRYBv18I/
Family of life.
And it’s a given that she was his muse for the hit song, “Iyawo Mi”
https://instagram.com/p/qbINfrP1wL/
Don’t you just love them?!
All I saw on their Instagram page was love. Everywhere. They make me so warm and cuddly inside. I wanna get married now! Share this with your friends. Everyone has to see this love!
If we’re being honest, success isn’t something that can be defined with simple terms. Basically, success means different things to many people.
Kai! We know we don’t have home training at Zikoko, but some of you really need to kneel down and raise up your hand.
There are over 7 billion people on earth today with obviously diverse cultures and ways of life. But why should food cause a huge fight between people of different nationalities?
