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  • Day in the Life of an IJGB in Lagos on a Food Adventure

    When Flavour sang, “Better food, na money kill am,” he knew what he was doing, and I’m sure he didn’t mean the song only in the confines of man and woman but on actual Foood! How do I know this? My father decided to bring us home again for another holiday, and being the adventurous person that I am, especially with food, I just knew that spending my Easter holiday in Nigeria couldn’t be spent indoors again, and I’m glad I made that decision. Now that I’m back in the US, I can look back and say this was the best decision I made, although it could have been better because of the unnecessary shege I experienced before finally discovering a dining reservation app ‘Reisty’ which could have been totally avoided.

    Of course, as the Explorer that I am, I explored Lagos alone at first which I immediately regretted. For a home buddy, you would almost think you are self-sufficient, too much consumption of lifestyle Instagram content made me feel like one of those creators, and so I took my phone stand, airpods and decided to venture into Lagos, totally forgetting how Lagosians took advantage of IJGBs (I just got back from the diaspora, usually for the holidays) and generally people who are new in places and embarked on a Lagos adventure. 

    As if being mugged wasn’t enough, my meals didn’t taste like they looked. Great ambiance but terrible food! But if you know me by now, I don’t give up; visions of bustling markets, vibrant nightlife, and delicious food danced in my head. The best meal I had will only get 4/10 in my books. But the resilient person in me doesn’t give up, so, we movee. 

    I went on Google and did a bunch of searches on the best restaurants in Lagos and the best reservation apps similar to opentable in Lagos (Opentable is a reservation application I use to book tables in the US) to ensure I had more than enough options. Of course, I saw a couple but something about Reisty lulled me in. I’ve always been a sucker for good-looking stuff and Reisty stood out for me. Installing the app was a breeze, I set up an account and my Reisty login was simple. Guess who saw a whole 2000 naira in their wallet? Meee! Thumbs up to Reisty for whoever came up with that genius idea.

    Perusing the restaurants was something I enjoyed doing because each restaurant profile had all the answers I needed, from menus to clear photos of the restaurant to the location and even genuine reviews from people who had visited the restaurant. The creativity of the Reisty app is one I love to experience over and over again. Lagosians, you really don’t know what this online dining reservation app has done for you until you try it.

    I tried the first restaurant with about 50% enthusiasm, because once bitten twice shy, and I’ll give them 100/100. The first restaurant I decided to try out was Mantra Lagos. I have heard a lot about this restaurant especially since I had a hidden interest in Indian culture and it looked like the perfect spot. It was so good, the ambiance, the food, and just everything was top-notch! 

    By the second restaurant, my excitement level had risen to 70% because I didn’t want to serve myself breakfast before the real breakfast. The expectation was surpassed, and now, I have 100% confidence in any restaurant on the Reisty app. 

    One thing I particularly love about Reisty is, it has no bad restaurants. Reisty had the right restaurants with great ambiance and even more fantastic food. Because of the shege I had seen, my first intention was to drag Reisty and the restaurants they had on blogs for their inconsistency, but I couldn’t because of the excellence at which everything went. The seamless location of restaurants made identifying restaurants, viewing menus, booking seats, and ordering food a breeze. 

    Restaurants are segmented based on categories, making it easy to explore restaurants that suited my vibes, from rooftops to restaurants with ocean views to Indian and many other categories

    The foodie in me has been upgraded because this adventure was top-notch. At this point, Reisty needs to employ me as their US-Nigerian ambassador because all my friends and family have downloaded the app. 

    To be very honest, whoever created the Reisty app had me in mind because my Lagos adventure went from potentially stressful to absolutely fantastic. I also got a free 2k in my Reisty wallet, so it was a win-win for me. I explored hidden corners of the city, experienced authentic Lagos culture, and, most importantly, had a blast doing it.

    To my fellow IJGBs, listen up! If you’re planning a Lagos adventure, just download the Reisty app from your app store, or playstore. You’ll definitely thank me later. Lagosians, I would also advice that you don’t sleep on this because it takes your outside game from zero to 100. Take this from a US resident. 

    Partner

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  • How To Land Your Own IJGB

    I know you think the IJGBs have been around for about a month and that if you were going to snag one, you would’ve already, so time has run out.

    Well, perish that thought. Time may be running out, but it hasn’t run out yet. You still have the chance to snag your very own IJGB. But only if you follow the instructions I’m about to lay out. Pay attention, people.

    1) Dress the part.

    Ladies and gents. Detty December is a viciously competitive period. Everyone and their mama is looking for an IJGB to rock the town with, so you must stand out by dressing for the part. Do a wardrobe overhaul and replace every item of clothing you own with the sluttiest clothes you can find on this side of Allen Avenue. It’s like they say: dress for the job you want.

    2) Track them down.

    If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I don’t understand why whoever came up with this said it like there was the possibility of the mountain going to meet a human, but that’s a story for another day. My point is that these IJGBs won’t come to you, so you have to do your best Joe Goldberg impersonation — complete with witty inner monologue — and track them down. You can find them at raves, house parties, concerts, overpriced restaurants, and traffic.

    3) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

    To quote my homeboy, Kunle Ologunro: “You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.”

    Sometimes, IJGBs will engage in certain activities that you may find…less than reputable. Like recreational drug use. Now that you’ve made your way into their circle, you can’t do anything to make them suspicious of you, like judging them with your eyes when they whip out crystal meth. Do what you will with this information.

    4) Keep up.

    IJGBs like to move around. Keep up. Enough said.

    5) Do jazz.

    As I mentioned earlier, the competition is fierce, and you need all the help you can get. Get into your old Nollywood bag and trap someone’s spirit in a groundnut bottle. You can release them when the holidays end, and you need to return to your everyday life.

    Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour.

    Astor George

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  • QUIZ: Do You Have What It Takes to Keep Your Partner This December?

    If you’re here already, chances are you don’t.

    Tick all that apply:

    Chioma Munachi

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  • How To Keep the IJGBs at Bay and Safeguard Your Heart This December

    We’re now in the month of Jesus’ birth and all the abroad boys and girlies will soon be making their way back to the country with one goal: Making their way back into your heart and pants. Say no to them.

    Air their messages 

    It’s okay if they say you’re rude and disrespectful. Their opinions don’t matter; what’s important is that January 1st meets your heart intact in your chest.

    Work through the break

    If you have work to distract you, then you’ll have no time to see the innit boys and girls and fall prey to their schemes.

    Clear them

    Clear anybody that conveniently forgot you existed in the past 11 months, but have now remembered you in the 12th hour. Tell them you’re not interested in their fake love, and they can get lost.

    Get in a temporary relationship 

    Yes, we know what they say about temporary solutions, but if the IJGB on your case sees a lover in your life, they might leave you alone and direct their gaze on someone else. It’s not foolproof because they might have “strong head” and take your fake relationship as a challenge, but you won’t know if you don’t try.

    Bill them

    It’s a win-win. They either run away and forget you exist or they fund your December. However it goes, you come out a winner.

    Leave the country 

    Someone coming into Nigeria can’t reach you if you’re spending your holiday in another country now, can they? Pack your bags and make those plans today.

    Fake an illness 

    We don’t know how you’ll explain that you’ve come down with a serious case of I-don’t-want-to-see-your-face-titis, but figure it out and get that IJGB off your back.

    Of course, all these don’t apply to the IJGBs that refer to your mother as ‘mum’ and know your house address.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • The IJGBs Will Never Beat These Allegations, According to X

    It’s that time of the year when the “I Just Got Backs” (AKA IJGBs or Nigerians abroad) return to the motherland to check on their family and loved ones.

    They’ll bring out foreign currencies, accents will flow left and right, and these allegations will remain around their necks.

    Wannabe ballers

    All IJGBs do is show off the superiority of their foreign cash. And now, naira can’t even fight back.

    Money speaks 

    IJGBs will trigger your lover’s release clause with money and abroad rizz. 

    Passport tactics

    Any small thing, they’ll brag about their red and blue passports. 

    No rizz without money

    The moment these dollar and pound sterling people surprise your partner before you, it’s all over.

    Don’t let them tell you lies

    All IJGBs are liars. If you snooze, they’ll give you cold zobo.

    Look before you cross the road

    If you don’t shine your eyes, you might find yourself becoming a genital meet-and-greet statictic on someone’s scoreboard.

    Consistently inconsistent

    They only remember their Naija crush at the end of the year. When the new year comes, they’d leave and ghost till the next holiday.

    Cut your coat to your size

    Don’t let peer pressure injure you.

    IJGB or “ijogbon”

    IJGBs will break your heart and ghost. Is their real name not “ijogbon” (trouble)?

    Beware of bed bugs

    Prevention is better than scratching your body and fighting little assassins that suck blood.

    It’s touching everyone

    Your friends abroad might want to leave out the fact that the current inflation is a global phenomenon.

    Tomide Marv

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  • Zikoko’s Commandments for Dealing With an IJGB 

    The holiday gates are open and the IJGBs are landing with wanna-gonna and innit money. If you plan to secure one of them this December, stick to these commandments so you don’t get carried away.

    First of all, don’t do it

    If you’re thinking of getting involved with an IJGB, don’t do it. No matter how sweet they seem. It won’t end well, and you’ll shed tears in January. But if we’re already late, and you’re involved with one already, continue reading.

    Break up and run

    Now’s the time to pick up your bag and leave, to avoid stories that touch the heart. But if you love living dangerously, and you have coconut head, then make sure to do these things.

    Fall in love with sharing

    Market is tight, and the demand for IJGBs is high. There’s a chance your December boo has another boo. Don’t let that one vex you. Just develop team spirit and fall in love with sharing.

    Enter with your eyes and hands open

    Shine your eyes very well, so they can’t port to another IJGB with a better offer. You can’t be mixing business with pleasure. But if you’re going to stay too, keep your hands open so you can collect all their money.

    Don’t catch feelings

    Remember, you’re here for a good time and not a long time. Catch not these feelings that IJGBs will throw at you. Now, go forth and prosper.

    Have more than one IJGB at hand 

    Your IJGB definitely has side pieces. Better do what’s in your best interests and gather like five so you can stay focused on the bag and not catch feelings.

    Have a backup plan for when they all leave

    Just in case you don’t listen, and you catch feelings for one of them, you need a shoulder to cry on when the breakfast comes. Because it definitely will.

    Don’t text them after they’re gone

    Let the end be the end. Just move on, and don’t text them again — until next December, at least.

    NEXT READ: 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • 8 Ways to Identify an IJGB that Will Destroy Your Life this December

    The I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are back in town, at least the ones who escaped the Red List. The accent is flowing and the dollar is plenty. How do you know which one will destroy your life? We know them, and here are the signs.

    THE REAL AKI AND PAW PAW COMEDY MOVIE (By Popular Demand) - 2018 Latest NIGERIAN COMEDY Movies - YouTube

    1. They always want to see you.

    These are the IJGBs that don’t care whether you have a day job. They are back in town and want to see you immediately. To them traffic or Nigerian bosses do not matter. Please flee from these kinds of IJGBs before they run you down.

    2. They are professing undying love for you.

    IJGB that is visiting Nigeria for the first time after how many months and the first thing they are doing is professing undying love? Please, if any one of them comes your way, just flee before they ruin what is left of your life.

    3. They want to have raw sex.

    fave bros | Zikoko!

    This can go wrong in many ways and you know it too. So, if any IJGB is proposing tlof-tlof without protection, please just wear your clothes and enter your Bolt back home. No tlof-tlof is worth all that, plis.

    4. They want to go to the most expensive places in town.

    This is actually super chill. Until you realise they want you to foot the bills. Take it from us: being an IJGB doesn’t mean they will have money. Who knows, they’re probably struggling like you. Shine your eye.

    5. They want to party all night.

    This one just wants to kill you. Party all night, with your back and knees? At what age? You better flee every appearance of evil.

    6. They like to fight and ask people, “Do you know who I am?”

    If Thor Went To LASU | Zikoko!

    This one will land you in police custody. You better remind them that Nigerian police is not like oyinbo police. Things are different here oh.

    7. They are always looking for where to eat Amala.

    These ones have seen pictures on Twitter and suddenly the only thing they want to eat is Amala. Please and please, just eat let them eat the medium rare steak they are used to before you give them Amala and they start to complain of food poisoning.

    8. They have small cocaine or want you to introduce them to cocaine sellers.

    You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.

    We have said our own. Read our interview with Cocaine here:

    Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • QUIZ: What Type Of IJGB Are You Going To Meet This December?

    Are you going to meet an Azul sipping or a Dollar earning IJGB this December? Take this quiz to find out.

    Ibukun

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  • 6 Slangs Every IJGB Needs To Learn

    It is December, and as always, I Just Got Back (IJGBs) are now in town to remind us that the weather in Heathrow in different from the one in Honolulu. While IJGBs have knowledge of worlds, we have knowledge of words. Here are six slangs IJGBs have to learn to blend in.

    1. On God

    Nigerians are so in love with God that when they realised God was not mentioned in the first stanza of the National anthem, they created a second stanza that starts with “Oh God of creation”. When Nigerians say “On God”, they are telling you to do your best and trust God to handle the rest. When you ask a Nigerian if clubbing will happen tonight, dear IJGB, “On God” = As long as God lives, we will ball!

    1. We go run am

    This is the slang home-based Nigerians want to hear from you when they complain about their economic predicament. As a bag of rice is now worth the same amount as a plot of land in Ibadan, we go run am is the slang you need to comfort home-based Nigerians that help is coming soon. You can also just ask for their account number.

    1. E be things

    E be things is a general slang on the complexity of life. This is what you say when you realise that problems are not tailored to frustrate you, problems just exist and there is nothing you can do about them. E be the things is the hood equivalent of “Well… that’s life”. When you get stuck in traffic on your way to pick up glazed doughnuts, E be things is what you tweet to let home-based Nigerians know what’s up.

    1. At all at all na im bad pass

    This is the slang to use when you are expecting ₦10m in your account, and you get ₦1k. It is you saying “I know I deserve better, but I will manage.” 

    1. I can’t kill myself

    After all the freezing cold in Toronto, and the lockdown in London, you are now home to enjoy yourself, but people won’t stop asking why you like partying so much. To remind your haters that it has been a stressful year, the right slang to tweet post-hangover is “I can’t kill myself”. That way, your haters will know you don’t care. You just want to enjoy the holidays. 

    1. Omo

    If all else fails, try omo. Omo is “innit” that didn’t see visa to collect. It fits into every context. Omo is the slang for when you see a hot guy/babe. Omo is the slang for when someone hits your car. Omo is the slang for a bowl of Isi-ewu that hits every part of your body. Omo is a sentence, a phrase, a word, a culture depending on how you use it. 

    Which slang did we miss?    

    Muhammed Akinyemi

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  • 10 Types Of IJGB Men To Avoid This December

    What does IJGB mean? – “I Just Got Back.” This means someone who’s living abroad and is back in Nigeria for December rocks. Now that you know the definition of IJGB, let’s begin.

    December is upon us and God willing, the innits will soon be upon us. We’ve prepared this guide as a safety measure to ensure that you’re not taken for eediat this December.

    Here’s a list of men to avoid this December:

    1) The “I don’t have Naira on me” type

    He’s a liar and a dirty ***** living a fake life.

    IJGB

    2) The “I’ll come back to marry you”

    Scope. We’ve heard this format so many times before.

    3) The “I need a proper African woman”

    S for what? – Slavery.

    IJGB

    4) The insufferable ones

    “In the [insert name of country] they don’t do this.” We’ve heard you.

    IJGB

    5) The “do you have a friend?”

    For what? For why?

    IJGB

    6) The ones that won’t stop converting to anything that’s not Naira.

    “Oh, just 6 pounds? That’s cheap. Lol.” It’s your daddy that’s cheap.

    IJGB

    7) The ones that won’t introduce you to their friends of family

    Femi, why are we always meeting at hotels in the middle of the night? Are you ashamed of me? Are you?

    IJGB

    8) Any abroad Nigerian man that says it’s complicated

    It’s a lie my dear, he has two kids and a lovely wife in England. He’s lying.

    9) The triple threat

    If he attended K.C, then went to Unilag, and is now in London for Masters, ah. Run oh

    10) Children of politicians

    Because while we’re having a good time, we’re not frolicking with the enemy. We’re still on that #EndSars wave my dears.

    IJGB

    If you enjoyed reading this, you should definitely take a look at this: 12 Things You’ll Relate To If You Love & Hate IJGB Season

    [donation]

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 12 Things You’ll Relate To If You Love & Hate IJGB Season

    1. You, sending out those “Are you in town?” texts like:

    At least one of them will yield results.

    2. You, leaving all your other relationships to focus on your IJGB fling:

    Just give me two weeks, my loves.

    3. When your bae actually dumps you for an IJGB.

    A whole breakup? Is it not to quietly cheat?

    4. You, watching the traffic get worse with each passing day:

    Please, you people should come and be going.

    5. When your IJGB friend wants you to go out for the sixth night in a row.

    Let me rest, abeg.

    6. When they start talking about wanting to move back.

    Don’t get carried away oh.

    7. You, watching the IJGBs bring out pounds and dollars:

    *Hides naira notes*

    8. “Oh! This [Nigerian issue] is still like this?”

    We don’t blame you.

    9. You, dodging the varying accents like:

    Take it easy on us.

    10. When you see your friends catching actual feelings for an IJGB.

    Have you lost your damn mind?

    11. When it has passed 2 weeks and your IJGB fling is still around.

    Have you been deported ni?

    12. You, watching them leave in January:

    See you next December.

    NerdEfiko

  • 12 Things To Expect When Your Cousin From Abroad Visits

    1. When you find out your cousin is coming to visit.

    Party time!

    2. When your mother forces you to clean the whole house 7 times because you are “expecting visitors”.

    How many clean will we clean because of one person oh?

    3. When your cousin brings you all the things you asked for.

    Best cousin in the world!

    4. Your parents when you say you want to take your cousin out.

    “Is that money enough?’

    5. You when your mother brings out snacks you’ve never seen in the house:

    Na wa oh!

    6. How you step out in the new clothes your cousin bought you.

    Freshest there is!

    7. When your parents leave the generator on longer than normal so your cousin “isn’t too stressed”.

    So I don’t get stressed abi?

    8. When your cousin is getting special “I Just Got Back” (IJGB) treatment.

    So the rest of us are now what?

    9. When you get “assistant IJGB” treatment because of your cousin.

    Ehen! That’s what I’m talking about!

    10. When all your friends meet your cousin and start doing fake accent.

    What is all this “fiun fiun fiun” these ones are doing?

    11. When your cousin’s “local champion” is getting too much.

    My friend will you allow somebody hear word! Are you the first to live abroad?

    12. When your cousin is about to leave so your enjoyment is coming to an end

    Please stayyyyyyy!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • The IJGB Guide to NYSC — Registration

    Registration for NYSC 2016 Batch A is now open! If you are planning on joining this batch, then you’ll need to register within the next couple weeks (by February 28th to be exact).

    The whole thing can be overwhelming. We’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirts. Literally. You know these NYSC t-shirts?

    Anyhow, you’re here because we are going to show you how to register as painlessly as possible. Okay, we can’t promise it will entirely be without pain. But this should make things a lot easier. Here’s our our guide to the NYSC registration process.

    0. Super Mega Important Public Service Announcement

    Before we start, let’s talk. If you are hoping to get posted to particular states such as Lagos or Abuja, know one thing –

    No one gets posted to Lagos or Abuja by accident

    If you don’t know you are going to Lagos before the postings even come out, then you’re not serving in Lagos. If you don’t know what we’re talking about, ask one of your older siblings or aunties/uncles who live in Nigeria. With that out of the way, let’s get on with it.

    1. Get your documents ready

    These are the things you will need to have handy and get ready before you start registration.

    International Passport — data page International Passport — page showing date of first departure from Nigeria International Passport — page showing date of return to Nigeria Visa for stay abroad High School Diploma / IGCSE Certificate First University Degree Diploma First University Degree Transcript Passport-sized photograph Measurements for your clothes (Small, Medium, Large, XLarge) Scan of your signature You will also need a valid Nigerian mobile telephone number

    2. Create your NYSC account

    First, you’ll need to visit the NYSC’s main site.
    Warning. There are many NYSC websites, and obviously lots of them are fake. Double check to ensure that you are on the right one. The right URL in your browser should be nysc.org.ng.

    Now you are there, look towards the lower right quadrant of your page. Under “quick links”, there is a link to “prospective corps member online registration”.

    To make things faster though, here’s the direct link to the portal:http://portal.nysc.org.ng/nysc3/

    To create an account, click “Apply for Relocation” under “Registration for Mobilization Batch A, 2016”. Under Registration Options popup, click, “Fresh Registration”. You will be redirected to a page to create your account.

    If you want to be able to receive information via SMS and print your call-up letter when it is ready, you will need to make a payment online of N3,000. Although not exactly necessary, we highly recommend it because otherwise, you will have to get your call up letter at camp, and that is one more potential complication you don’t really need.

    You will need a Nigerian bank account with online banking to do this.

    4. Biometrics

    Once you have made your payment, the first thing you will be prompted to do is to upload your biometric data. That page looks like this.

    You don’t have to do it right away though. You can skip it till you have completed the main application. It will pop again during application review. Don’t worry, we’ll show you how when you get there.

    5. Online Application

    The online application process is completed in 5 steps.

    Step 1 — Your general/personal information

    Step 2 — Your education history
    Step 3 — Your documents upload
    Step 4— Application review Here you review your application as well as select the top 3 states you wish to be deployed to. The options you can choose change depending on the choices you make. You cannot pick all three states within the same region. So, for example, if you pick Lagos as your first state, you will not be able to pick any other South-West states. So choose carefully! Step 5 — Biometrics

    The thumbprint registration process requires special hardware, so we advise that you go to a cyber cafe. A cyber cafe in Nigeria.

    Here are some cyber cafes you can go to. We’ll continue to update this list with places and cities as we find them –

    Lagos

    Shop 68B, Falomo Roundabout, Ikoyi (Google Maps) Thugoth Cafe, 5 Onikoyi street, Aguda, Surulere (07087741199 / Google Maps) Okikola and Company Cybercafe, 5 Adenuga Street, Babs Animashaun Road, Surulere (09092413778 / Google Maps)

    Want to do the biometric upload yourself/from abroad?

    If for some reason, you are still stuck abroad and are afraid that time is running short, in theory, you could accomplish this part by yourself. It could be tricky if you aren’t very good around computers. But all you really need to make this work is an $86 fingerprint scanner. As far as we know, the only kind that will work is this type. See this Nairaland thread for instructions. Good luck!

    6. After Registration

    Important: Once you have submitted your application, you will not be able to edit any information in the application. However, you can still upload/change the documents.

    You will receive a text saying that your registration was completed.

    If there are any problems with the application or documents, you will receive a text message about that. Once everything is accepted, you will receive your call-up number within a couple of days.

    If you have any questions or need more help, send your tweets to @ijgbnetwork. Good luck, and…

    As seen on the IJGB Network.

    chioma

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  • How To Be A Woke Lagos Hipster

    1. Natural hair or dreads

    Adichie says hair is political. Yup. Afro, dreads, just let it grow and blossom baby. Must attend: that dreads convention each year. Must follow: Blogs, Instagrams, Tweeters about natural hair. Must do: Tell everyone just how great their hair is and welcome them to the other side.

    2. Stop wearing a bra

    Bras were invented by men to hold you back from freedom. Ditch bras. When people stare at you, hold them tits high by arching your back. Dazeet.

    3. Attend Afropolitan vibes

    Ignore all the western music and think about the live band bruh. That live band is lit. Don’t forget to tweet about how the bottled Palmwine isn’t fresh enough for you.

    4. Visit Terrakulture at least once a month

    You haven’t gone to an art gallery? How are you living without the appreciation of art? Rele also holds a couple of events.

    5. Tell us how awful international food is

    Can we just ban Domino’s? How dare you call chicken suya a pizza variant? *rolling eye emoji*

    6. Bogobiri on Thursdays

    Nigerian music is trash except when you’re bumping and grinding to it at Vapours on Friday. Bogobiri’s open Mic night is what authentic music should sound like — with proper content and etc.

    7. Complain about politics but don’t vote

    Tweet about how much light you’re not getting and how the roads in VI are bad. Don’t forget it took you 6 months to register your non-profitable business. But don’t vote. How can you vote in an election that’s already rigged?

    8. Tell us how Lagos is the most expensive city ever

    “Lagos is the most expensive city I’ve ever lived in”. Thank you Ms. Art internship in Monaco, we had no idea.

    9. Complain about the things Nigerians do

    This one is really important. Nigerians don’t give personal space. Nigerians eat too loud. Nigerians are too loud on the phone. Nigerians like to talk too much and any other thing you think only Nigerians are capable of doing.

    10. Complain about Ubers

    Nigeria just doesn’t have enough Ubers bruh. It’s always in surge pricing bruh. There are no trains in Lagos bruh. How are there no trains in Lagos?

    11. Be a writer

    Write sad poems. More importantly, write “African fiction” and attempt to describe the smell of Lagos. Argue about writing. Compare and contrast Adichie to Achebe and give yourself 10 marks for spotting the differences. Get into a creative writing workshop. Blame your singleness on the fact that nobody can love writers because they’re always sad.

    12. Start a blog

    Lagosdosgbe.wordpress.com or a URL with a Nigerian slang will be your collection of woes, p settings and the weird thing you bought in traffic. Tell your friends about it every time you have lunch with them.

    13. Be proud of your melanin

    Black is beautiful. That’s all I have to say. Tag every picture with #Melanin and #Slay. Ugh. Slay is so important. Never forget to slay.

    14. Patch everything with Ankara

    How else will you define yourself and your Africanness if you don’t have a lirru bit of Ankara and Dashiki pieces everywhere? Put them on your pockets, chest, forehead. Wear an Ankara bikini.

    15. Join the fitfam crew

    Sign up for Truppr and get on that Lekkoyi bridge. We’re not trying to accept our bodies anymore. That’s so 2012–2014. You must change that body and be fit and have enough Buffality. Dazz rai. Don’t forget to autopost your Endomondo, Runkeeper and Nike+ workouts. Everybody must know.

    Binjo Adeniran

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  • 10 Glaring Signs Your I-Just-Got-Back Status Has Officially Expired

    1. When they stop putting on the generator for you when they take light.

    Get ready, they have already started pitying you less.

    2. When they tell you to buy fuel by yourself if you want the gen on.

    Ah! It has officially begun; your status is expiring

    3. When no one has asked you “when did you get back?” in weeks.

    Basically everyone that can see you has already seen you.

    4. When you stop converting naira to dollars/pounds in your head.

    You are starting to accept your fate.

    5. When your parents go from “don’t stay out too late” to “be back by 10”.

    The curfew has arrived.

    6. When your parents go from asking you to help them do a chore to telling you to go do it.

    Their eyes are starting to clear.

    7. When the chores go from little ones like washing plates to washing toilet floor.

    You know they are rating you less and less.

    8. When you stop saying “innit” and “mate” as much.

    By this time “ehen” and “my guy” have pushed them out.

    9. When you haven’t complained about the heat in weeks.

    You’re already getting used to it.

    10. When you either queue for fuel for over an hour or argue with a conductor.

    The moment any of these happen, your IJGB status has officially expired.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 15 Things Every Nigerian Abroad Says When They Come Back Home For The Holidays

    1. “Who are the network providers again?”

    Ah! How many years and you don’t remember MTN?

    2. “How do you load [insert network provider] credit again?”

    I can’t even vex. I’m still here and I don’t even know it.

    3. “I really missed [insert Nigerian food].”

    Ehn! Go and eat na.

    4. “Ugh! The internet is so slow here.”

    Na so we see am.

    5. “How much is that in [insert dollars/pounds]?”

    You see yourself.

    6. “Has light always been this bad?”

    What are you asking?

    7. “Oh! When did they renovate [insert first place they visit]?”

    Let’s go, biko.

    8. “OMG! It’s sooo hot.”

    We apologize on behalf of the sun.

    9. “How do you get to [insert place that is 5 minutes from their house] again?”

    Don’t vex me, abeg.

    10. “Ugh! Traffic is so terrible.”

    You know all of you are adding to it sha.

    11. “Do you know anywhere I can get [insert oyinbo thing]?”

    Organic kini? Nope. Nah. Uhn-Uhn.

    12. “So this place is still like this?”

    It’s not your fault.

    13. “Is [insert last spot they visited before leaving] still open?”

    The spot is almost always a club.

    14. “I think I’m reacting to the [insert water, food, or air].”

    Ah! Sorry oh.

    15. “Wow! They have [insert oyinbo thing] here now. That’s nice.”

    We are trying small small.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 15 Things People Seeking Admission Abroad Understand

    1. Typing in Google to find the best schools that have your program.

    Y U NO have my program?

    2. And then you see the tuition rates.

    Are we learning how to make gold from pure water.

    3. And you begin to reconsider If Masters is really worth it.

    Maybe having a spare parts business isn’t as bad as they say.

    4. But you know you will be able to join ‘Init” and “Student Visa Twitter” and have fast internet.

    About to be in a different time zone bruv…

    5. When one agent is trying to help you get “quick admission” with N200k service charge.

    Boy if you don’t get…

    6. When you see the list of exams you have to write to get considered.

    Only me GRE, GMAT, TOEFL… Nobody said it will be like this.

    7. Then they hit you with the list of essays you have to write after the exams.

    What is a personal statement for Gods sake? Why you doing this to me?

    8. When you have to stay on the phone on hold for thirty minutes with the admission office.

    Hello…can you hear me… All this credit wasting listening to random adverts.

    9. But you get your admission letter in your email later that night.

    I feel happy, I feel grateful and I feel fulfilled. I’m happy because I never experrit…

    10. Trying to calculate how much it will cost for flights, tuition, accommodation, new MacBook.

    All this money…where will I find it.

    11. And the only option is to look for scholarships.

    I need help please. God will bless you if you can just help small.

    12. When it’s time to go through the embassy struggle.

    Every power against my Visa application, Die by Fire!

    13. And you get your visa and you can now change your location in your bio.

    I’m Stepping into my promised land.

    14. Trying to get everything you need for your trip.

    Don’t worry it’s just hand luggage.

    15. And on the last “hangout” with your friends.

    But this time as an IJGB with my new accent.

    Tobi Smith

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