Believe it or not, your car choice can determine if your next job will involve managing projects or snatching people’s partners.
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So you finally found a way to get your work crush to promote you from colleague to work wife/husband, but like a typical Oliver Twist, you want more.
TBH, I’m not judging. Anyone can catch feelings. Obviously, you have, and now, you want to leave the work-bae zone. Let me help you.
Many people block their coworkers on social media, so you’ll have to put on your best Fashola Holmes impression. If that fails, find a way to get them to give you their WhatsApp number, then send them memes every day. They’ll fall in love with how funny you are.
Food is the way to everyone’s heart. But don’t buy them food only at work. Invite them out.
If they’re proving stubborn, get their house address from HR and move in right next to them. Now, you won’t just be in their faces from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. anymore.
Oh. Hi! Didn’t see you there
Since you now know their address, set up billboards with your face on them around the route they take to work daily. Buy them mugs with your face on them too. By the time they see you every day, the feelings will be activated.
Arrange for their partner to be kidnapped by ungun known men. Then be a shoulder to lean on when they cry to you about it at work. It’s the price to pay for love.
If you don’t want to go as far as kidnapping, find a way to make your work spouse’s partner cheat then show them the evidence. Of course, you’ll also be there to help them heal and forget the heartbreak.
If you’re religious, then you should know prayer works. Take their picture to a mountain, preferably in the dead of night with only a white wrapper around you. The white colour will catch the attention of the spirits, and they’ll answer you immediately.
Maybe the reason they’ve not promoted you to actual spouse is simply because they don’t want to date their coworker. Resign and that problem is solved.
The point is you won’t be working in the same place anymore. The end justifies the means.
NEXT READ: The 10 Times It’s Okay to Cry at Work

Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame.
Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.
First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM.
Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.
My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.
This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?
Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.
Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.
When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.
NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

There’s money, and there’s bastard money. Urgent ₦2k is money, but bastard money is money you’ll make, and you really can’t even believe you made it.
You’d be looking at your account balance like:
That’s the kind of money we want to teach you how to make. Take notes.
Don’t think about your qualifications or that you’re still in Nigeria. Just use every means to get there, then you can resign after 45 days. Boom, salary for life.
The guy is worth $212 billion. Imagine what 1% of that money as ransom would do in your life.
Just convince him to fall head over heels in love, and your finances will work themselves out.
Don’t limit it to your kidney. The liver is valuable, too — anything for the bag.
The national cake must go round.
Because what God cannot do, doesn’t exist. Amen?
Take a page from this the Naira Life of this engineer’s book and open your door of financial wealth.
If your parents are already poor, you can disown them and go look for your true parents.
Recite “I have bastard money” in front of your mirror every day at 2.16 a.m. and see if it won’t come to pass.
Start with the ones in Abuja; we heard they have money. Just be careful of the jalabia-and-oud-perfume-wearing ones sha. If you know, you know.
NEXT READ: 7 Ways To Make Money Without Working For It

When the strike started in February [2022], some students may have assumed it wouldn’t last more than a month — it was a four-week warning strike, after all.
But when the strike kept extending till it was declared indefinite, many students were like:
Welp! Time to secure the bag
The strike is finally over, and students are expected to resume school by October 24 [2022]. What happens to those who already secured jobs during this period to make good use of the by-force holiday? I asked seven of them about their plans, and here are their answers.
— Yewande, 25, Master’s student, Unilorin
I sat at home for the first five months of the strike before I landed my current human resources job in Lagos. It wouldn’t make sense to just up and leave when I’ve not even spent six months.
Sure, they know I’m a student and may understand, but honestly, I don’t even want to go. ASUU themselves said their demands haven’t been fully satisfied. What’s to say they won’t start another strike next month? Which lecturer would even want to resume after being owed since February?
They’ll be alright. My focus now is my job. Some graduates don’t even have jobs, so I can’t abandon mine for people who can change their minds in one minute. I’ll go back to school, but that’ll be in January.
— Joke, 19, first-year student, EKSU
My school’s management ordered the resumption of school activities ahead of the ASUU strike call-off, so I had to go back around September [2022] for practicals.
It was really painful because I’d just got an internship with this real estate company in Lagos in late August [2022]. They were even going to give me a stipend, and it would’ve been my first professional work experience, but I didn’t get either.
ASUU and co, well-done o.
— Kunle, 20, third-year student, Unilag
I got a virtual assistant job in August [2022], and it’s been great. With school resuming now, it’ll likely be very tough because the job is demanding. But I’ll just find a way around it.
It’s too soon for me to request leave from work, so that’s out of the question. If worse comes to worst, and exams start, I’ll form sickness and take sick leave. School is important, but money is importanter.
RELATED: “Let the ASUU Strike Continue” — These 5 Students Are More Interested in Making Money Online
— Jane, 23, final-year student, UI
My elder sister helped me start a mini fashion supply business last month [September 2022]. Since I’m based in Lagos, I have easy access to Balogun market. So, I post stuff on my WhatsApp and supply them to people.
Now that the strike is over, I need to return to Ibadan. It doesn’t seem financially prudent to continue because I’ll have to include dispatch fees. How much would my profit be?
I’m not happy because I was just getting the hang of the business, but at least I finally get to go back to school and start thinking of graduation.
— Goke, 20, second-year student, FUNAAB
I started an internship in September [2022]. I confidently started a physical one because I’d concluded the strike would stay on till next year, especially since our government is more interested in the campaigns.
Now, I’m forced to leave without giving the company adequate notice. This isn’t what we planned, ASUU.
— Ann, 19, second-year student, Unilag
Since the strike started in February, I’ve been teaching at a school close to my area. The money is trash — just ₦8k — but I took it so I wouldn’t have to stay home.
Immediately I got confirmation of the strike call-off, I resigned. School is stressful, but at least, I’ll get an allowance and live my best baby girl lifestyle.
— Mide, 23, final-year student, EKSU
I got a teaching job just like most of my peers did. But unlike them, I can’t afford to resign now. Firstly, I usually get paid in the first week of the new month, so I have to stay till November [2022] at least.
Still, I’m considering staying till December because final year is expensive, and I need to make sure I’m loaded. I’m also confident my landlord at school will start disturbing me for payment once he sees me. I don’t even have time to think about it now. I just need to have money.
Let Zikoko tell you where the money at! Subscribe to the Money By Zikoko newsletter to get all the gist about how money moves in Nigeria, by Nigerians.


First impressions last, and they matter even more at job interviews. These hacks will help you ace your interview like a boss.
Take your interviewer’s breath away with your glorious drip. Dress to kill two birds with one stone; your interviewers and the interview itself. They need to know you didn’t come to play.
Half your interview is showing how much sweet mouth you have. Taking honey is like giving yourself nitro. You’ll be so unstoppable, they won’t even know when they’ve said, “Welcome onboard”.
As the multi-talented genius you are, you need to show off your one million skills. It doesn’t matter if they’re useful to the job or not. The point here is to impress them till they can’t think straight again.
A hungry man is an angry man. Your interviewer might be hungry and start vexing with you for no reason. Remember to carry white rice and stew just in case, and see how their faces light up.
God must be with you at this dire hour. You need to pour anointing oil so they know you’ve signed your employment contract with God already. You’re just here for formality sake. Nobody can reject a child of God.
RELATED: 6 Recruiters Share Their Worst Experiences at Job Interviews
You can’t afford to lose your guard. If they ask, “How are you?” answer them with “Hardworking and diligent, thank you”.
Stare at the interviewer long enough to scare them a little, but not enough that they think you’re a creep. Try it, and you’ll see it works.
Display your management skills by delegating responsibility and sending someone else to do the interview for you.
NEXT READ: How To Answer These Common Nigerian Job Interview Questions

“A Week in the Life“ is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject of this Week in the Life is Joboson Chisa, a brand designer. He designs across a broad spectrum: brand identity, perception, sales, marketing, communications etc. He tells about his design process, how he made his first million as a brand designer, his frustrations negotiating with clients and why he’s no longer choosing “vawulence” on design Twitter.

I always wake up at 6 a.m. thinking we should scrap Mondays. So I don’t get out of bed until 9 a.m. During those three hours, I browse Twitter and think up ideas, to start the week. Sometimes, I tweet motivational stuff, the occasional “we gonna make it #Wagmi” — as if I have energy to start the week — right from my bed. The lies we tell…
Anyway, by nine o’clock, I finally get out of bed and open my laptop. Mondays are for stand-up meetings and admin work — sending and responding to emails, receiving and analysing feedback, etc. I get the most rejection mails from organisations about my pitches on Mondays, and I don’t eat breakfast until 12.
After work, I catch up on all the “vawulence” on Twitter. There’s always someone being ratioed for a bad design opinion at the start of the week. If you’re looking for hot takes on +234 design Twitter, you’ll find them on Monday. It’s like designers had too much time on their hands during the weekend and the gist spilt into the new week.
I know it’s just Tuesday, but please, the week has been crazy already. As a freelancer working from home, Tuesdays are usually my busiest days, when I actually open my design software and get to work. When I have deadlines, I beg MTN to have mercy on me.
I’m very busy these days, juggling several client projects. And as if that wasn’t enough, I carried myself to take on community work. That’s the curse of being a freelance designer — taking on more projects than you should. But I’m a bad guy, so I’ll just wait until those deadlines are due then the panic monster will pressure me into slaying them.
After seven gruelling hours at my work desk, I have new designs. They’re so beautiful — even though I know I’m going to hate them tomorrow. But it’s been a hard day’s work, and I’m satisfied. Work hasn’t ended though, only client work.
Around 6 p.m., I turn my focus to a personal project. I’m trying to build 234 Brand Street, an online community of designers like myself, and even though I don’t have a clear roadmap, this thing has me doing things out of my comfort zone. I’m editing videos, learning new software, making templates for a live event — mehn, it’s been crazy motivating and crazy stressful. Who send me work?

Someone reached out to me on LinkedIn, and I was so excited because that would be my first client from the platform — I’m mostly active on Twitter. This person told me they needed a designer and promised so many high sounding jargon — except payment. What would I use a “founding designer” title to do when it’s not coming with money? Is that how they say they’ll pay in “exposure” these days?
Once I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the offer, he stopped responding. I was really disappointed because I felt like LinkedIn had better to offer.
People like this stress me out. But I’ve made my peace that money conversations will often be weird. Just as I was rounding up work for today, someone emailed me from Behance to ask for my rates. When I asked for their budget, he asked what I wanted. He now said it was out of his budget. But didn’t he say he didn’t have a budget?
I finished the first iteration of a brand identity I’d been working on for the past week for a US-based client and sent the files over. I expect to get their feedback by next Monday. So it wasn’t an unproductive day.
After all the stress, I called my boys out to hang in the evening. As a remote freelancer, I try to invest as much time as I can in my social life. I felt like having cocktails, so we went for drinks until 11 p.m.
The weekend is almost here so bored designers usually start dropping hot takes and fighting on Twitter today. I didn’t have urgent projects immediately pressing my neck, so I decided to indulge a bit by spending a little too much time on the app, calling out designers for their problematic takes. Thursdays are usually my freest days anyway.
The thing is I’m a very outspoken person, and I feel very privileged to be in the design industry. But in +234 design Twitter, some people want to feel more important than they really are. There’s this worrying trend of people trying to position themselves as better than others rather than solving problems for people who can pay for their services.
The design community on Twitter used to be very different from what it is now. It was once a melting point of shared ideas and innovation, but these days, you’ll just see someone who hasn’t done any notable work, but because they got into tech from a random gig and bought fancy gadgets, nobody will hear word again.
One thing about me is I’ll always call out bullshit when I see it. Sometimes, I keep quiet, expecting people to know better — don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the good things design money can get one, but it’s becoming a pattern to detect those who breed on vibes, controversy and empty show off — I’ve saved some of their lit workspace pictures, though.
After today sha, I’ll be keeping quiet. I don’t want to build a brand on “vawulence”. I just hope younger, less experienced designers won’t fall for the empty hype of people who don’t really care about them as much as they see newbies as stepping stones to their own goals.
I’m always excited about the weekend. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and I also get to do fun stuff. Earlier today, I completed a major design project, handed it over and got paid. The money was up there with the highest I’ve charged this year, so I’m in high spirits.
I’ve had a weird money journey, especially with charging clients. When I started out, I charged ₦5k for logos — and sometimes, I didn’t even get paid. But I’ve come a long way. In December [2021], a friend asked me how much I charged for designs. At the time, I was charging ₦500k – 700k for a full brand package, which included logos, social media and marketing templates, merch and many more. When they told me I was too good to be charging that amount, I didn’t believe them
But later, I did research and saw designers charging $2k for brand identities I didn’t think were all that, so I decided to raise my rates. When a client reached out to me shortly after, I decided to ask for more money than I normally would. I pitched an idea, held my breath and asked for ₦1.7m. I didn’t know where I got the audacity from. The company accepted, and I wanted to run mad with excitement. That was my first million. Since then, I’ve not looked back.
When I received my credit alert this evening, I knew it was time to have fun. I’m going to hit up my squad so we can decide if we’re going to a concert, bar or any fun event in Lagos. I try to go out every weekend, but this one will be special.
Check back for new A Week in the Life stories every first Tuesday of the month at 9 a.m. If you’d like to be featured on the series, or you know anyone interesting who fits the profile, fill out this form.


If you’re toying with the idea of working for a startup, just prepare your mind for these things so you’re not caught off guard.
A sad reality, but okay.
Just clap for yourself.
You’ll see pepper sha, but if that’s your kink, keep reading.
If you think because you have just one job title, then you’ll have one role, you’re sorely mistaken. Prepare yourself to take on three roles at the same time, while always fighting fires.
On paper, it’ll look like you have a regular job. You go to work at 8 a.m. and leave by 5 p.m. This will leave you thinking you’re going to a traditional workplace. LMAO.
Suddenly, you’re working all the time, even when you’re not at the office. If your job is remote, just know your case is worse. You’re always at work. Slowly, your coworkers become your best friends, and your work becomes your life.
Unless you’re an olodo. Because how can you not get 5x better after working on one million projects in six months?
It’s not their fault. If they haven’t blown or raised money yet, you’re not working for money. You’re working to “change the world”.
But if they have plenty of dollars in the bank, your life will be soft. Then you can start putting laptop emojis on your Twitter bio and fighting about why React is a better framework than Vue. Talk about rich people problems.
It’s money you were looking for going in, but you need to think about changing the world first ,even though your rent is due tomorrow.
NEXT READ: 4 Nigerians Tell Us What It’s Like Working at a Nigerian Startup

So you’ve decided you don’t like the typical 9-to-5 or you need some extra cash. Or maybe, you’re just getting started and you want to build experience before finding a full-time job. Either way, you’ve decided you want to try your hand at freelancing. This guide will show you how to do it like a pro.
Freelancing is using your skills, education and experience to work with multiple clients on different projects, without committing to a single employer.
In simpler terms, freelancing is contract-based work. You’re using your skills to help people or companies accomplish stuff, but you’re not actually employed by any of them.
You already get the main gist, but there are other differences between freelancing and a full-time job.
The first one is you don’t earn a salary. Most freelancers earn on a project-by-project basis. This means you can earn more when you have a lot of high-paying projects at hand. But when you don’t, brace yourself for sapa.
You probably know this already, but you need you can sell to clients in the first place. Most likely digital skills such as digital marketing, social media management, copywriting, content writing, software development and a whole lot of other things you could do.
We all know the chicken-and-egg problem of needing some experience to find a job while also needing a job to get the experience. It’s not very different with freelancing. You need to show you’ve done what you claim you can do.
A good fix is to have side projects presented very nicely in a portfolio of some kind, to show your potential employers.
People will tell you the best way to get clients is to sign up on freelance platforms. But the best way is actually through referrals from a network you’ve built over time.
But again, you need to find clients to work with to build your network. So back to freelancing platforms, websites like Upwork, Freelancer, Gigster and many others. You’d have to create a profile on these sites to sell yourself and your services/skills.
Most freelance platforms are marketplaces, and the people who want to hire you will definitely price your market. Stay guided, and make sure you know what you’re worth. Have a minimum rate you’re willing to accept and go from there. You might be earning very little at first, but you can expect your income to increase with your experience and rating on these platforms.
Negotiations will either make you eat good or stress for nothing. There are useful resources online that teach you how to negotiate and price your services better as a freelancer.
Make sure your internet won’t air you when it’s a day to deadline and you’re trying to fix a part of your work. If you need to make a good choice, read this. Choose well and have peace of mind.
Even after choosing well, your service provider can sly you anytime. That’s why you should plan to have a backup or number of backup providers as you start making money.
You can’t work well as a freelancer if you’re having issues with electricity. But if you live in Nigeria, there’s a good chance you’ll have this issue anyway. A small generator might come through for you in this case. If you have a bit more money, you can buy an inverter to save yourself the stress of looking for fuel every other day.
In the end, you’re doing this for the money. And even though it’s sweet to earn in dollars, you need a way to actually receive it in your non-dollar account. There are many apps for this — Payoneer, Grey finance, Wise, and cryptocurrency apps — so pick the ones that suit you best.
When you start earning your dollars, come back to Zikoko and buy us puff-puff.
NEXT READ: We Curated These Sites to Help You Make Money Online

We know so many people lie on their CVs. It’s a normal thing at this point. It’s all seen as part of the employment hustle. So, we spoke to seven Nigerians, and they told us the biggest lies they’ve told on their CVs.
“I lied that I’d worked in over 10 organisations over a span of three years. It’s not my fault. I was desperately looking for a job, so I just manufactured companies and put them on my CV. Out of all of them, I’d only worked with two in real life. The rest were imaginary companies with no other employees except me.”
“When I was writing a CV for my last job, I was honestly just freestyling with my soft skills. I kept adding anything that came to my mind because I thought, last last, I’ll run it. That’s how I went to mention I can work under pressure. I think God punished me for lying by making me get the job because the pressure I faced can make some people cry.”
“I once put it on my CV that I had some event planning experience with a virtual conference that had over 1000 attendees. Both the conference and the attendees were made up. But nobody should stress me, please.”
“I don’t even know if I’ll call this a lie. I did work for those organisations as a social media manager sha, but I didn’t increase any visibility anywhere o. Moving your page from 10 followers to 30 followers is still 3x visibility, no? But then, I like to think of it like this: three times zero is still zero. So, technically, I didn’t lie. I just massaged the truth a little bit.”
“When I was in university, I worked at a company owned by a relative for my SIWES programme. To be honest to God in heaven, I wasn’t doing anything meaningful there. I was just going to watch Big Brother Naija everyday. But when I updated my CV, I just added everything that was in the role description, whether or not I did them in real life.
I said I onboarded new clients, held sessions with new employees, received inbound calls, yada yada yada. Everything, dust.”
“I was actively looking for a data analyst position at the time, and I just added any skill remotely related to the job. Whether or not I even knew the first thing about them was none of my business. I kept saying I’ll learn on the job when I find it. And I knew enough about some of these skills to sound like I was actually proficient in real life sha.
When I got the job, it became a race between my workload and my brain. Every night, I was sleeping on YouTube trying to figure stuff out. I learnt in the end sha, and actually became proficient. But I don’t think it was worth the stress of lying.”
“I’m a software engineer, and even though I have a bit of formal work experience, I’d done some freelance work for over a year. The issue is companies abroad didn’t really like hiring freelancers. Maybe it has to do with the assumption that you’ll keep doing gigs while working for them.
I was looking for a remote job at the time, so to cover up the freelancing part, I just created a company and said it was an agency so we worked on different projects. The projects were real, but the ‘company’ really only existed to disguise the fact that I was freelancing.
I’m applying for another remote job now, and I mistakenly sent in an old CV that says I’ve freelanced before. I’m just waiting for my L, secretly hoping that it never comes.”
NEXT READ: Let’s Not Lie, These Life Skills Should Be in Your CV