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  • 5 Crazy Emotions You Feel When You Receive A Bank Alert

    5 Crazy Emotions You Feel When You Receive A Bank Alert

    Every now and then, your phone buzzes and you see a bank alert. In this moment, your mind races through a ton of possibilities. Is it credit alert? Debit? What do they want? Why are they messaging me if its not credit alert?

    Here are 5 stages your mind runs through when you receive messages from your bank.

    Credit alert

    Unarguably, this is the king of all alerts. Nothing in this life beats a credit alert notification. You watch as your account balance has swollen and you start budgeting which food platter you’re going to buy because you’re forever a foodie (no need to be ashamed. This is a safe space).

    Debit alert

    The instant you receive a debit alert, your heart starts to race. You start thinking about your weekend and all the things you spent money on. This is where the regret starts to set in as you wonder whether that tray of small chops is really worth the heartbreak your account is going through.

    Monthly account statement

    I’m sure banks send this to you so that all your reckless spending in the month is laid bare to you. Cast your eyes upon your spending habits and be ashamed. You bought that mad shoe that you’ve always wanted, but at what cost? Your monthly statement will show you the cost.

    Card maintenance fee

    First of all, why does my card need maintenance? What exactly is the maintenance? Are they changing the engine oil in the card or what? Card that is in my wallet all month? What is the meaning of this?

    SMS Notification Charge

    If there’s an award for the most annoying charge, this would take the price. Because can anybody explain why your bank is charging YOU because THEY sent YOU a credit/debit alert? Lord make it make sense.

    Birthday/Holiday Messages

    When you realise that your bank is going to charge you an SMS notification fee for the birthday and public holiday messages nobody asked them for, your blood starts to boil. Who asked them for birthday wishes? Instead of them to send you money for your birthday.

    You should check out 6 Times In Life When You’ve Secretly Considered Doing Money Rituals.

    Olufemi Fadahunsi

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  • 10 Violent Lies Every Unemployed Person Has Told At A Job Interview

    10 Violent Lies Every Unemployed Person Has Told At A Job Interview

    Unemployment is a terrible thing. It’s ten times worse in Nigeria. Today, I remembered all the promises I made before getting my current job. After talking to some friends about it, I realized we are all living the same lives.

    Here a few violent lies we have all told:

    1) “This is my dream job.”

    Truth: Help me, I don’t want to be poor.

    2) “I can work long hours.”

    Truth: I was only joking. It was just a joke.

    3) “This is how much I earned at my previous job.”

    Truth: I have inflated the peanut I was earning by 3 in the hopes that I can finally leave poverty behind. For good.

    4) “I like additional responsibility.”

    Truth: I can die if you give me more work.

    5) “In 5 years time, I still see myself in this company.”

    Truth: I am using this job to raise funds for Canada.

    6) “I work well under pressure.”

    Truth: If you stress me too much, I can die.

    Fainting man. Zikoko Half-naked

    7) It’s not even about the money, it’s about passion.”

    Truth: Yimu.

    8) “I am looking for a challenge.”

    Truth: I am super super lazy.

    9) “I don’t mind the distance.”

    Truth: Cries internally.

    10) “I am ready to resume as soon as you need me.”

    Truth: Can you just be paying me while I sit at home?

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • A Week In The Life: The Entrepreneur Working Two Jobs

    A Week In The Life: The Entrepreneur Working Two Jobs

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is Habib, the founder of Smiley socks; a fun socks company. He walks us through running a business, combining it with handling social media, and working 9-5 for two companies. 

    MONDAY:

    The first thing I do when I wake up today is to pray. After that, I map out my plans for the day. Every day I customize socks at a shop near my house for my socks business. Customers always have custom orders and I’ve to give them what they want. When I’m done at the shop, I pack the orders going out for the day and I wait for the delivery guys to come to pick up. Then I take new orders and start the work of the companies that feed me: my 9-5.

    Even though I run a business, I still work for two companies because I’ve to eat. I like both jobs because I have a flexible schedule. I handle social media content for these companies.

    There’s nothing happening today, so I get food, fire up my laptop, and I watch Archer to pass time. 

    TUESDAY:

    One thing that’s exciting about my business is the growth. Recently, we won a grant of N100,000. For us, it’s more than money. It’s the validation that we are doing something great. This is important to us because it inspires us to keep pushing. We also got into the Forbes accelerator program. Out of 5,000 businesses, we were picked. We are part of the top 200 selected businesses and now, we are looking for votes to climb up in the program. If we win, we’ll get the chance to pitch directly to Forbes and that could change our lives. 

    I usually don’t apply for these things. For the N100,000 grant, I just applied with fingers crossed and zero expectations. For the Forbes application, after my partner forwarded it, I remember grumbling and filling the form grudgingly. Imagine my surprise when both of them turned out well. 

    As a result of all the begging for votes, I’ve been getting a lot of love on my personal account. Today, some people that I consider cool on Twitter followed my account. I think this socks thingy is really helping my personal life. I now have business owners following me, and even financial coaches.

    This inspires me to do more. I spend the rest of the day creating content and asking people to vote for my business in the Forbes accelerator program.

    WEDNESDAY:

    Women are our major customers in this business. Although our socks are mostly unisex, people assume that they are for men. I think it’s because they are calf-length. We want to increase our target audience because it’s mostly women buying socks for men as gifts. To balance that, we are adding No-Show socks and these look like they are for women. We want to have products that men can buy for women as well. In addition, we are also introducing socks for children, and briefs for men.

    One of our goals is to be your one stop shop for underwear. But for now, people should buy their socks and boxers from us.

    Today, I made love emoji socks for my girlfriend. I had these plain light grey socks that weren’t moving. Nobody was buying it. So, I decided to make it more fun by adding the love emoji to it and I sent it to her. The plan was to use one stone to kill two birds: firstly, to make my babe feel nice. Secondly, to also get her to take cool photos of it because she takes really cool photos.

     She took photos which she sent to me. I posted the photos, and voila, all the light grey socks I had finished because many people ordered for the same product. 

    Today has been a win-win for me. 

    THURSDAY:

    I feel that the best content is spontaneous. You don’t plan for it, it just comes to you. At least that has worked for me, but I am not Seth Godin so don’t take my word for it. At my former 9-5, I remember doing a random Facebook post about how your birth month is equal to how much money you’d have. Then, I put random figures for each month.

    I remember my MD then asking what sort of rubbish the post was. When the post got over 1 million organic impressions, he had a change of heart. Even me, I didn’t expect people to engage to that extent. After I did that post, the MD didn’t want me to ever leave the company. I sha had to leave because they were killing me. 

    If I’ve to advise anyone on how to create content for social media, I’d tell them that they should first identify their audience. Social media is about content so you must have content direction. You should understand what your audience wants, and you should also be learning as you post. I’d also tell people to add human feeling to the content they make so that it feels relatable. Instead of using 2D images, they should use human images in some of the posts. All these help with the brand tone and identity. The brand tone for my business is happiness and excitement. From how bright our images are, to the tone we engage customers, you know we are a happy brand. As a result, people know that they can come to our page if they want to feel happy or excited. 

    I have to post in-house socks content for the business today. Thank God I have outsourced the job of taking pictures to someone else. Even though I still have to guide her, she’s doing a good job. At least the last time I posted a picture she took, it got love on social media.

    Once I am done with that, I’ll probably spend the rest of my day taking care of my other content duties at my 9-5. 

    FRIDAY:

    It’s so weird that I am looking for a job. I don’t know why, but when I see a job opening, I apply. I have a business (even though I don’t make money from it). I think that’s why most of them that pay haven’t accepted me. However, I’m rejecting the ones that want me but don’t want to pay. 

    I think what’s doing me is that I did a new product management course in February. And because I’ve taken a lot of product management courses in the past, I’m now itching to work on a digital product  So, I’m always on the lookout but I haven’t seen any yet. I think this is God just telling me to focus on my business because the interview process has been wild. 

    Like I’ll go for the interviews that I think I am more than qualified for the job; I’ve certificates and I’ve ideas, but they still won’t call me. 

    Well, until today. 

    One of the companies called back to let me know that they found someone better for the role. That’s new. 

    With the kind of week I’ve had, I need to reward myself. I’m going over to The Place to order spaghetti, turkey, and berry blast. 

    I deserve it.

    SATURDAY:

    Before the lockdown, I used to go to the gym. Since COVID started, that’s no longer possible. I was even doing exercise at home but during Ramadan, I could no longer continue and I lost my streak. Now, my biceps feel soft. 

    A lot of gyms are opening up but my gym is inside a hotel and they haven’t yet re-opened. The only thing that keeps me going through today is the thought of playing football tomorrow – I need the body pain that comes with exercise because I’ve missed it.

    I’ve been staying at home since lockdown started but I’m going to play football tomorrow – may the best immune system win. 

    SUNDAY:

    Well, I missed playing football today; there goes my body pain. I went late to the field because I had to create and post content for my business. 

    I think about how sometimes business can get overwhelming because we have to do a large chunk of it by ourselves. The business structure is like this: we get our goods from our suppliers abroad, we create content, we post, and then we take orders. What gets overwhelming is taking orders and talking to customers because having to manage some customers can be difficult. One time, we had someone volunteer, but that didn’t work out.

    What I do is that I try to sort out the tasks one after the other until it no longer looks like a big deal. If I can’t deal with what’s left that day, I move it to the next day. 

    I can’t stop thinking of a future where we have more capacity. Where we are in charge of our own production. For example, we want to give back to the community and it’s been difficult. According to our partner NGO, more than 80% of public school students don’t wear socks, so we are trying to help out with that. 

    We’ve had to beg for donations to achieve this and we still need more help. If we were in control of our production process, this wouldn’t even be an issue. There’s definitely a future where we partner with a big socks company who have the production capacity but need social media strategy. That way, we both help each other solve a problem.

    Right now, the only future I can see for certain is tomorrow, Monday. I know that tomorrow, I’ll post some of the content I made today, or I may not even post at all. 

    All we can actually do is show up daily while we strive towards our future goals. The goal for today is to have sold 5,000 socks by the end of the year. 

    I think we are on track. 

    Disclaimer: story lightly edited for clarity.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • What’s the Pettiest Thing Your Boss Has Done to You? – We Asked 8 People

    What’s the Pettiest Thing Your Boss Has Done to You? – We Asked 8 People

    Having a petty boss is an example of a thousand ways to die. The mental, emotional, and life trauma from having a mean boss is unrivalled.

    Here are some of the petty things employees have experienced:

    1) Inside life.

    “My husband and I work in the same hospital and even in the same unit. He’s a senior doctor and I am a junior doctor. Anytime we fight at home, I know I am in trouble at work because, during ward rounds, my husband will keep calling me to answer all the difficult questions. Imagine putting your wife on the spot like that because of small house fight.”

    2) Petty’o’clock.

    “I resigned at my old job and my boss refused to let me go. He scheduled a meeting saying that he wanted us to discuss a way to make me stay. At the meeting, he fired me. I was so confused.”

    3) Na wa oh.

    “I disagreed with my boss over something one time but we resolved it. At least that’s what I thought. From then on, whenever someone asked to see the CEO, she’d direct them to me. Her reason was that I was trying to teach her how to run her company since I know better than her. I got tired of the pettiness and eventually left the company.”

    4) Love story.

    “My oga and I were toasting the same babe but she was feeling me more. I and the babe used to hang out after work because love was sweeting us. My oga noticed that I was the reason she wasn’t giving him face. So, every day when it was almost closing time, he’d send me on some Israelite journey to go and buy God knows what. The aim was to waste my time as much as possible so he could talk to her while I was away. The silver lining was that I’d go pick the babe from her work and we’d run the errand together or even go and eat. It was the funniest thing ever.”

    5) Civil servants.

    “During my I.T at some dead ministry, I refused to buy food for the members of staff. The main boss in charge supported me so I was protected. However, when I wanted to sign my logbook, the main boss was on leave, and school was rushing us for our signed logbook. I called him to sign and he told me to meet his second in command as he didn’t have the stamp at home.

    The second in command was one of the people I had refused to buy food for.

    She laughed at me because she saw how desperate I was. She gave me her cooler to go buy Amala for her before signing the book. Someone that even dared me to refuse or report her. I have never done a sadder walk of shame in my life; I still get angry anytime I remember.”

    6) Sorry, I laughed.

    “I don’t have experience with a boss but I have with a teacher. In SS3, we had this Biology teacher that we used to play pranks on. She just used to tell us that she’d catch us. We used to laugh because after WAEC and JAMB, who’s she catching? I graduated from secondary school and during year one registration, I needed testimonial.

    In my secondary school, to get a testimonial, all the teachers that taught you in SS3 must sign for you. I had forgotten all about the woman until I entered her office. It turned out she had been patiently waiting for me. There and then, she told me the criteria for her signing was for her to give me five strokes of the cane. I wanted to enter the ground that day.

    I collected my five strokes like a hard guy but the thing entered because I thought I had escaped.”

    7) Ahan.

    “I resigned from my old place of work because of how toxic it was. My old boss called my new boss to say I didn’t resign but she fired me. I was so dumbfounded. She did fire me but that was after I resigned. Thank God the HR babe at the old place stepped in on my behalf.”

    8) Wawu.

    “My girlfriend is my boss and the management is cool with it. I work for a start-up and everyone calls each other by their first name. Whenever my babe and I are fighting like this, she’ll call me by my government name and even add Mr. to it. It’s the most annoying thing ever. I hate it with a passion.”

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • What’s The Hardest Part Of Being A Creative? – We Asked 10 People

    What’s The Hardest Part Of Being A Creative? – We Asked 10 People

    Creative/kriːˈeɪtɪv/adjective.

    1. relating to or involving the use of the imagination or original ideas to create something.

    nounINFORMAL

    1. a person whose job involves creative work.

    Creative is a broad term that covers a wide variety of things. Basically, anyone who brings an original idea to live, regardless of medium, qualifies as a creative.

    I gathered a bunch of people who qualify under this category and they shared the hardest part of their process with me.

    Kay/Writer.

    “The term creative doesn’t always sit well with me…I am not sure why. I think the hardest part is getting through those moments where the work swings from being fun to being hard. And it’s a very fickle thing…constantly moving. I can start out writing a piece and it’s really flowing and something takes away my attention and I lose that flow. It’s hard getting back to it.

    Two things: it’s either I continue and trudge on till the end, or I go away and close my laptop. But if it’s something that has to do with a deadline, we die there. If it’s not something that has a deadline, I wait for the flow to come back -That could take weeks or months.”

    Isokorevieno/Artist.

    “For me, it’s improving and using social media at the same time. I’m particular about growth in my work. Almost obsessed with it. I am in the process of learning that I can’t constantly create shareable works for social media. So, sometimes I go off, and I notice a drop in followers. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t get to me. So, there’s the battle of whether to create “content” for social media and grow my following or focus on my personal growth, which I believe is more important for the industry I want to get into. Long term, I guess the two will eventually intertwine.”

    RhymeMarvel/Rapper.

    “Damn. Honestly, it’s just the constant self-doubt…you know how good your art is but you don’t know if you’ll ever get the recognition and by extension, the royalties you deserve. Music is just saturated. Some people with less talent do well so it’s somehow.

    But we keep the faith and keep working sha. I am making music for me first because the creative zone is heaven on earth. We’ll see when I package a project and put it out there if I get my validation.”

    Daltimore/Fashion designer.

    “Omo, the hardest part is not having funds to create the idea as much as I would like to. Also, not being able to market what I create because I am not a popular name yet. I think another hard part for me is the business of it.

    I hate business and marketing.

    I just want to create and not worry about profit.”

    Pelumi/Photographer.

    “I think the hardest part has to be getting my work out there. Reaching a wide audience. So, I am trying all form of social media and hoping for a break.”

    Boyin/ Resident scammer.

    “The hardest part is actually doing the work. I’ll procrastinate 7 million times before I actually start doing what I need to do. When I have work to do is when Twitter becomes interesting. Then this book I haven’t read in 17 years becomes a must-read. Doing that work is my own issue.”

    Uzor/Conceptual Photographer.

    I swear the creative journey is like a prison. I work on images for weeks in my head with so many doubts. I feel like a prisoner inside my own body.

    For me and my work, the hardest part will be worries of execution. That a piece may not fit the pre-conceived vision in my head. In a nutshell, what I shoot on ground may not match what I imagined.”

    Kunmi/Blogger.

    “I don’t know if I feel like I’m a ‘creative’. Lately, with writing, it has been more of finding a balance with sharing but also keeping certain things to myself. And not being a fraud.

    With blogging it feels like you are sharing the happenings in your life with people that didn’t ask you. Sometimes, I wonder if I might overshare.

    Then the fraud part is me actually doing the things I write and read about. Not just posting it.”

    Daniel/ Content god.

    “Finding inspiration is the hardest part. When I get an idea, I’m able to run with it pretty quickly. But getting that idea can be a real hassle. Especially when I’m feeling burnt out.”

    Fu’ad/30+ gang.

    “Work-life balance is a lie. Creativity is largely an interpretation of how we process, understand, and share our world with people.

    What that means is that, when the core of your existence in the labour force revolves around your creativity, you’re always working because you’re always interacting with the world and saying, oh shit, that’d look nice in a sentence. Oh shit, I should take a photo. Oh wow, I wonder what it’d look like if I made the thing you just said into an interactive website.

    A stock trader goes home on Friday and comes back on Monday. A creative goes home to look for their muse.”

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • A Week In The Life Of A Nigerian Firefighter

    A Week In The Life Of A Nigerian Firefighter

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    The subject for this week is *Kunle, a firefighter. He walks us through duty, sacrifice, and the desire for a better quality of life.

    MONDAY:

    I wake up by 5:00 am today. I am up early because work resumes by 6:45 am. Before resuming at work, I have to drop my wife at her place of work. So, I wake up early to get a head start.

    We run three shifts at work and we take turns rotating through them. I am on morning duty this week and this means that I will be working for 24hrs straight. After this, I will be off duty for 48 hours. 

    When I get to work, the first thing I do is check the appliances; the hose, the engine, the fire suits. This is to ensure that they are functioning properly against the next fire emergency call we may get. However, no matter how many precautions we take, sometimes, our appliances still mess up. 

    I remember my first day on the job where my crew and I turned out to put off a big fire. When we arrived at the scene, I could see people applauding us for coming so early. Some were even thanking us. I felt so proud to be recognized as a fireman.

    Our problem started when it was time to put out the fire and the fire engine for pumping water didn’t work. We tried getting it to work using various methods but still no show. While we were doing this, the crowd was getting angry and they started piling stones to throw at us. As God would have it, another fire truck came around and rescued us. No matter what happens, that single incident is a moment I won’t ever forget.

    It can be annoying because we go through so much to get to the fire scene only for the crowd to turn on us. It’s even scarier when I think about it because fire servicemen don’t carry arms and the mob knows this.

    For me, fire doesn’t scare me. What scares me is the mob. Fighting the fire is not a problem because we have been trained to do that. Rescuing people is not an issue because you derive joy in doing that. However, doing these things at the site of the operation without any form of protection from a mob is scary. 

    All of these are why I spend the first part of my shift inspecting the equipment and ensuring that they are in good working condition. After I am done, I spend the rest of the day sitting with my colleagues and waiting to see if we get a fire call. Sometimes, if we get lucky, there may be no fire. Other times, we respond to 4 – 5 fire calls in one shift. 

    No matter what happens, I have a long day ahead of me. 

    THURSDAY. 

    I have been off work for the past two days and I am not eager to resume today. I have spent the last two days alternating between resting and spending time with my family. I have been catching up on a series called three percent on Netflix. It’s an old series but it’s still so good. But now, work resumes all over again.

    Don’t get me wrong, even though I am hesitant to resume, I still love my job die. I am a proud fireman. Although I didn’t grow up dreaming of putting out fires and rescuing people, I have come to love the work. For me, It started out as a job to do because of the economy. However, during the training school to become a fireman, I fell in love with it. 

    As a layman, I used to think fighting fire is to just pour water into the fire. But in the training school, I had to do some Chemistry and Physics to understand what supports fire, the kind of extinguishing element for different types of fires.

    Fire contains three elements – air, heat, and fuel. So, if you want to extinguish a fire, you have to take one element out of the three to improve your chances. Also, depending on the cause of the fire, you use a different approach. For electrical fire, you don’t expect to just go there with water because if you do, you can get electrocuted. There are certain steps you need to take if at all you get called up with water to fight an electrical fire. The first thing to do is to put off the source of power before fighting with water. 

    If it’s oil fire, that is a fire caused by oil spillage, using water only adds fuel to the fire. This is because oil stays on top of the water. So, as the water is splashing and running, it carries the oil and extends the fuel. In this scenario, the best agent to make use of is foam. It will engulf the fuel; it will contain it by eliminating the air supply. So, wherever the oil has spread to, the foam forms a blanket around it and stops it there.

    Before going to training school, I did not know that and I just assumed all fire could be combatted with water.

    Another thing this job has shown me is that a lot of fire accidents are caused by negligence. Car fires are caused mostly by issues that have been there but the owner has been ignoring. For residential areas, the majority of house fires are caused by A.C. Not switching off your A.C when you are going out and then electrical power coming on and setting off a spark that starts a fire. The root of every fire is mostly negligence.

    I don’t want to think about all of these. I am just focused on surviving my shift. I am looking forward to the weekend. I hope I get to rest but I know my wife will most likely drag me out on Saturday. She enjoys shopping. She defends her reason for making me drive from the mainland to the Island with the fact that shopping is relaxing for her. It’s therapeutic. Women sha. 

    Last last, that one is still better than all these fire talk. 

    SUNDAY.

    The most annoying thing about this job is the disrespect. Disrespect from fellow motorists who will be dragging road with you when you are rushing for an emergency. Disrespect from the mob at the scene of the fire who want to throw stones because we were late as a result of stubborn motorists. 

    Today, at the scene of a fire, some of the touts tried to collect our equipment. They wanted to put out the fire themselves. I kept telling them that it’s not their job and they should allow us to work in peace. At the end of the day, we had to reach a compromise. We allowed them to carry less sensitive materials so they could feel useful. Because we don’t carry arms, things can get tricky really fast. So, it’s up to your discretion to navigate these things especially when it comes to the touts at fire scenes. They know that we don’t carry weapons so all we can really do is find a middle ground with them. 

    For active fires, a squad puts it out. The squad consists of 4 men. They are numbered 1-4. Number one is the officer in charge, the branch man. Number two is the pump operator and he operates the appliance; pumping water and regulating pressure. Number three is the assistant branch man who assists the branch man and sometimes swaps with him if he’s tired. He also assists in carrying the hose. Number four is the messenger. Sometimes, at the scene of the fire, there is a distance between where the branch is located and the appliance pumping water. The messenger stands as an intermediary between the number 1 and 2. He helps to relay information like turning on of water, an increase in hose length, and adjustment of water pressure.

    I am playing the role of assistant branch manager today.  So, I am behind the branch manager(my boss) who’s trying to put out the fire. He’s going too close to the fire and I have to constantly pull him back. He tells me that there’s a spirit that possesses you when holding the branch that makes you want to put out the fire at all costs. Me, I no dey do pass myself. I am not trying to be a hero. 

    I can’t wait for this fire to die down because I need to call my wife. I am sure she has been worried about me. I didn’t tell I was going to a fire site. I like telling her after we are done. I can’t stand her being constantly worried because of the nature of my job. 

    WEDNESDAY. 

    The funniest question I get asked as a fireman is if I have life insurance. It never fails to crack me up. Ordinarily, we should have but we don’t. For a fireman, the most honorable thing that can happen is to be buried and given salute. And that’s it.

    I have heard of families chased out of the barracks on the death of the breadwinner who was an officer. There’s a family where the parents who were officers died. The father died in the line of duty and the mother died in a road accident. After allowing their children to stay in the barracks for a while, they were told to evacuate.

    Many officers see this and they know that if they die in the line of duty, this is the fate that will befall their family. I have heard some of my superiors tell me that on getting to the scene of a fire and seeing that there was no chance of putting out the fire, they turned back. They said they met an impossible task and an already agitated mob who were cursing them for being late. It just made sense to turn back without entering into the scene. You can only do what you can do, you can’t kill yourself. At the end of the day, you didn’t set the place on fire.

    As I go to work today, I just pray that I return home safely. When my mum heard that I joined the force, she kept on begging me. “O fe ma pana, jor. Ma pà mí”. I consoled myself with the fact that if I don’t do it, someone else will do it – somebody has to do it. 

    I remember when I watched one inspiring Chinese movie about firemen titled Brave Heart and I went to work with ginger the next day. After comparing the facilities in that movie with my own surrounding at work, I asked myself: “Is this where I want to give my best to?” I just relaxed oh.

    I won’t even lie, there are perks that come with being an officer; I don’t have to constantly renew my car papers. Also, I get away with a couple of things here and there. But that doesn’t balance it out in any way. 

    Anyhow, I still show up because I am a fireman. I am dedicated to the job. It’s actually a thing of joy to serve your country if only your country recognizes it. Firemen across the world, the respect they get…I have not been outside the country, but I was told that firemen don’t pay for fares. They go to the supermarket to buy groceries and there’s a certain percentage they get as a discount. Fire service is respected and it’s a very prestigious job In Europe and other countries, but this is the country where I find myself. What can I do?

    I don’t want to think about it. I am looking forward to the end of the day. When I get home, I will watch my favourite Bollywood movie “We Are Family”. Even though I have seen it countless times, it’s the perfect bonding movie for a family. Any day I come back home in one piece is a good day. That’s why I try to spend as much time as possible with my family.

    Glossary:

    “O fe ma pana, jor. Ma pà mí” – You want to be putting out fire, please don’t kill me.

    This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • We Asked 6 Nigerian Teachers How Covid-19 Is Affecting Them

    We Asked 6 Nigerian Teachers How Covid-19 Is Affecting Them

    If you’ve ever taken an online course, then you know how hard it can be. And this is you as an adult who knows the importance of these things, let alone a child who just wants to watch Nickelodeon in peace.

    Curious about how learning has been outside a classroom, I asked Nigerian teachers how the experience has been.

    Kola – 28.

    “The major challenge has been the novelty of passing information via a screen. This is not even about using computers and all. It has been difficult to pass knowledge because this is a new technology for both the teachers and the students in these parts. Most times, we use some measure of fear to make the students sit still and focus, but that effect is not the same over a screen.”

    Alex, 26.

    “A major challenge is timing. The student that had the longest attention span was 1 hour. Over time, they got tired because they are also affected by what is happening. To them, the fact that they are not in the classroom gives them the idea that they are meant to be relaxed. Not having to dress up and get into traffic makes them feel like they are on holiday. So, if you tell them that they have to come online at this time, and they have to do that every day, what happens is that they lose interest.

    So, it’s not as effective as them showing up physically everyday. They don’t get the chance to be tired if it’s physically. They may be tired but they have to see it through.”

    Bode, 24.

    “I run a private tutorial center and it’s a bit more expensive to run an online class than offline. There are many factors. Firstly, we are making lesser money per hour online because of reduced hours. Students are only taking 30 mins to an hour lesson as compared to 2 – 3 hours of lessons.

    Secondly, parents are not ready to pay as much as before because they are cutting costs. So, lesser revenue and increased expenditure.

    Thirdly, internet and power are such a big issue that sometimes you wonder why you bother. It’s so easy to give up after the tenth “can you hear me?”

    Kehinde, 27.

    “I tutor IELTS and since the exam got suspended, students haven’t been coming. Many of them think the world is ending and IELTS won’t matter again. So, I haven’t had any students in a while. It has been a tough couple of months as this is my main hustle. I am just grateful that my wife has a job because it would have been terrible for us.”

    Biola, 27.

    “I run a tutorial center for WAEC and JAMB in Mushin. My business model is a large crowd paying small money so I can make a turnover. I optimize for one thousand students paying N1,000. But now that Government has said we should lockdown, I have been losing money everyday – No crowd.

    I thought of going online but the students can’t even afford data to watch the videos. I am confused about how to help them. At this point, it’s not even about the money, it’s about helping kids who are already at an obvious disadvantage. I feel sitting at home may widen that disadvantage compared to their richer counterparts who can afford online home tutorial.”

    Tosin, 23.

    “I am happy oh. Thank God for COVID so I don’t have to show up in any useless school. I don’t know why NYSC sends graduates to teach. I don’t think there’s any NYSC teacher that enjoys teaching. Let them lock us down till this foolish NYSC is over.”

    You should totally read this next: We Asked 5 Nigerian Students How They Dealt With Failing A Course.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • A Week In The Life Of A Call Center Agent At The Suicide Hotline

    A Week In The Life Of A Call Center Agent At The Suicide Hotline

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.

    Today’s subject is **Mark, a psychologist who is a call center agent at the suicide hotline. He walks us through his battle with faith, the need to help people, and the challenges that come with his job.

    MONDAY:

    I wake up early no matter what because I don’t sleep for long. Today, I wake up by 6 am because I was up reading till 2:30 am. 

    The first thing I do when I wake up is to check the morning news on my Chrome browser. I do this for an hour because by 7 am, messages from work start to come in. I am the head of the counselling department and this means that junior counsellors who have issues with their clients come to me for help.

    I man the hotline and usually, calls start to come in by this time. To ensure the efficiency of the hotline, I weigh the importance of each call and act appropriately. That is, if a caller just needs someone to talk to, I divert them from the hotline to a nearby counsellor so as to free up the hotline. However, if the caller sounds panicky and desperate, I attend to them because it is an emergency and every second counts.

    Whenever a call comes in, I gauge the person’s tone, accent, and diction and tailor myself to the person. This is to prevent miscommunication. It’s important for the caller at the other end to feel that they are talking to someone who understands them. So, depending on who’s calling, I speak either English, Pidgin, or my tiny Yoruba.

    Today is a slow day. I eat breakfast by 11 am, I have my bath by noon. I spend the rest of the day browsing through Psychology Today and Medscape.

    TUESDAY:

    I don’t sleep much at night because the majority of calls come in at night and early in the morning. It helps that I am not a deep sleeper so even if I doze off, I am up once the hotline starts to ring.

    Today, an elderly woman called crying about her daughter who was being violent. She was asked to run a couple of tests but she couldn’t afford it and coupled with the lockdown, she had no hope of raising the money. I had to comfort her over the tears and give her hope that it would be fine. That’s all I could do because I couldn’t help financially. After the call, I felt really broken because I just gave her temporary relief that wasn’t going to solve anything. The most annoying part of this job for me is the feeling of helplessness. 

    Helping people over the phone is tricky. One wrong tone or an out of place statement can either make or break a caller. So, I have to be patronising yet firm. For example, many people call crying and one thing you must never do is tell them to calm down. This is because it invalidates their feelings and makes them feel like a cry baby. So, I tell them it’s okay to cry and re-assure them that I am here for them. I keep repeating that I am there for them so that as they are crying, my voice keeps ringing to them. Eventually, this helps calm them down. Then, I carefully ask for specifics and try to narrow down the problem. Some of these calls last for an hour and I have to be non-judgemental and actively listen. 

    After doing all of this, it saddens me when I can’t proffer a lasting solution to someone’s problem.

    I am in a low mood so I distract myself with Youtube. I watch the Voice which is one of my favourite shows. There’s a rendition of Whitney Houston’s ‘I have nothing’ by one the contestants and that makes it easy to forget my troubles. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    Working this job has limited the number of people I talk to. My colleagues are my only friends because they are the only ones I can rant to about the job. These cases are confidential and that means I can’t discuss them with people outside of work, even if the person is my father. It’s my colleagues I rant to, cry to, and are there. I have over 300 unreplied messages on Whatsapp because I am usually tired to start texting after work.

    I don’t have to worry about a significant other because I am not in a relationship. I have never been in a relationship because I don’t have time and there are so many time wasters out there. See, I don’t like stress. 

    The only downside is that on days like today, where I feel very very lonely after talking to a lot of people on the phone, I have no one to cuddle. I just want to cuddle and not have to say anything or even rant. The loneliness brings on a  bout of sadness.

    I shrug it off by going to sleep. Sleep always refreshes me and chases the loneliness away.

    THURSDAY:

    As a hotline handler, I respond to a variety of calls. Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, suicide. Since the lockdown started, the majority of calls I have gotten are panic attack related and they happen in the middle of the night. In the past, I used to get a rough estimate of 50 calls in a month, but these days, I have been getting up to 150 calls. 9 out of 10 people who call are women because men don’t talk about their issues or they drown them with unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    Early this morning, a lady called that she was having panic attacks. She was scared for her family because she’s far away from them and even with the lockdown, the number of reported cases keeps increasing. Another person called that the death rate has gone up so much that she can’t step out of the house anymore. She doesn’t know what to do and she’s panicking. Someone else called that they are lonely and the loneliness is affecting their psyche and making it hard to breathe. I had to reassure all of them that it would be fine.

    In between all of these, someone woke me up with a call on the hotline telling me that their Facebook account was hacked and they needed my help. I was shocked because I am used to people at the other end of the line crying or struggling to breathe. Being asked to help with a hacked Facebook account in the middle of the night is new to me. 

    These calls sometimes make me very sad. I have considered handing over the hotline because I keep wondering why people are suffering. My conclusion is that people suffer because of the actions of other people and that makes me sad. Will the world ever be better? It’s hard to believe in God when I have front row seats to human suffering.

    These thoughts are making me sad and I can feel an oncoming panic attack. I request for a counsellor to talk to and I call and rant away my feelings.

    FRIDAY:

    I wish I was on the frontline supporting. It’s not like I don’t enjoy helping through the hotline, I just feel that there’s more I should be doing to help. The guys at the front need all the help they can get. I am fueled by the need to help people. If I wasn’t a psychologist, I would have been a nurse.

    I have always been drawn to helping people since I was young. My earliest memory is of secondary school while I was in the band. There was this kid in the orchestra that was doing very poorly so he got picked on a lot. He was always crying, so one day, I went over to comfort him and promised to help him. Then, I was a flutist and he was a violinist. I went out of my way to teach him how to play and practised with him. Even though he was part of the team, he wasn’t allowed to play in concerts because of how bad he was. 

    I remember one day as we were packing up after a concert and he started to play. The other members were shocked about how much he had improved and even asked how he got so good. I remember him laughing shyly and just looking at me. Since then, I knew I had to keep helping people.

    As I am not on the frontline helping people, I am helping as much I can from the hotline. I plan to read the Alex Cross series by James Patterson today. 

    It’s Friday, please, let me unwind small. 

    SATURDAY:

    The greatest skill you can have as an emergency hotline handler is the ability to separate personal life from work. Especially in this work that is the boundary between life and death. Maybe because I have mastered this, I don’t hesitate to blast rude customer service agents when I am on the other end. I believe that if I can do my own job without being sour, other professionals should be able to do theirs too.

    Today, I am conducting interviews for new counsellors to support our efforts. Our recruitment process is very intense and we are not sorry about it. There is the interview phase where only 30% make it, then, a training phase where we cut them down again. Finally, we have the assessment phase which is the interview phase raised to the power of 5. 

    You can be disqualified for just uttering the wrong statement or not being knowledgeable enough on how to handle or refer cases.

    I always tell the new recruits, the conversation is over the phone so that means you have to be very careful. You have to be empathetic, you don’t utter careless statements, you don’t dismiss and you don’t judge. You listen and reassure and try to find common ground. Then finally, you refer them as appropriate.

    I enjoy teaching and seeing others gain knowledge, It makes me feel helpful.

    The only thing I love more than helping people is eating junk food. After the interviews are over, I look forward to ending the day with a hot wrap of shawarma or meat pie. Or both. It all depends on how I feel at the end of the sessions. 

    SUNDAY:

    Before the pandemic started, I stopped attending church. So, it makes no difference whether there is lockdown or not. I am staying put on my bed.

    I have so many questions that religion hasn’t been able to answer satisfactorily. I am sick and tired of people telling me I can’t understand the things of the spirit with the carnal mind. It just feels like the church is a scam because, from my work, I have a lot of questions that need answers. Why are we here? Why are people suffering? How were we created? 

    As a science student who understands genotype and phenotype, I know all of us can’t have these varied genes if God created only Adam and Eve. That’s such a big question that needs an answer. Okay, so God destroyed the entire race and there’s just Noah and his ark. So, one family gave birth to all the races? The stories just don’t add up for me. 

    Also, there was so much politics at play with people playing power games in the church. I just got tired of the lies, politics, sabotage and I quit. 

    I spend the rest of my day thinking about a future where I have better answers and more stability. Marriage is not in my plan or anything. I want to have children but only because I love taking care of people. I will adopt them though.

    I want to be a professor, travel the world while living in Nigeria. I also want to start African psychology because a lot of our treatment for mental illness is rooted in Western treatments. Imagine telling someone from Mushin to do Yoga? I want to develop treatment plans specific to Africa and teach them at various universities.

    At the end of the day, when my time is up, I want to be remembered as an amazing teacher who loved to help people.

    This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 5 People Share Their Workplace Backbiting Experience And It’s Wild

    5 People Share Their Workplace Backbiting Experience And It’s Wild
    backbiting

    “Are your colleagues at work your friends?” – Plato asked.

    If you have worked a corporate job then you know that slyness and backbiting can be the order of the day. People trampling on other people to get ahead. Trying to play eye service games to look better to the boss of all bosses. Or just throwing you under the bus (no rhyme intended).

    Curious about this, I asked people to share the worst things that have happened to them at work.

    Here are some of the responses:

    Oluwatope/24/Doctor.

    “I don’t know if this counts because it happened during NYSC. The clinic nurse asked me to write an exeat for someone. She basically threatened me to write it, so I did.

    All medical exeats have to be signed off by the state coordinator before it becomes valid. Unfortunately, the state coordinator knew the person I wrote the exeat for and couldn’t believe the “illness”. So, he summoned the clinic nurse. I heard that the nurse told the state coordinator that she had no idea when it was written and then asked to summon the doctor that wrote it.

    On getting to the office of the state coordinator, I heard her shouting “why did you forge this illness for so and so person?” “you are making us look bad in the clinic” she then promised the state coordinator to deal with me. I was too shocked to process what was even happening. I tried to talk but she threatened to beat me up with soldiers. Even though this was 2 years ago, anytime I remember, I get angry all over again. I can’t imagine anyone being that wicked.”

    Tayo/25/I.T.

    “I once had this intermediate boss who would ask me for tight favours. I would offer to do it at a later time. Preferably when I was done with my daily KPI. She’d say it was fine and that she understood.

    However, it turned out that in management meetings, she was telling them “I was difficult” to work with. This is the same person that would tell me “I don’t want to be a bother” “I understand”. What kind of person says one thing to you and says something completely different behind you?

    I hate eye service. I hate passive aggressiveness. Don’t say we are cool and be poisoning me behind my back. She slowly ruined my reputation at work and that made me lose interest in the job.”

    Kemi/27/Healthcare.

    “This one was funny. I was working in a hospital where the staff used to get kickbacks from inflating the cost of drugs, or in some cases, sell their own medicines. I naturally am not interested in that sort of thing. Not because of moral superiority or anything, but because the profit from that business can’t change my life. I can’t risk my license for N5,000 per day. It’s not like I have money but I know I won’t be broke forever.

    So, on my first day at work, they propositioned me and I told them that I wasn’t interested. I explained that I didn’t judge them nor care. The person who approached me said he understood. It turns out that he went to tell the others that I think I am better than them. I am proud and think they are all beneath me so I don’t want to associate with anybody.

    If it wasn’t shocking to me, I would have been annoyed. It was just surprising that someone said he understood and went behind me to say this.”

    Ekene/28/Accountant.

    “Oh, do I have a story for you. Picture this: My company makes end of the year shirts every year. Over 10,000 pieces. Members of staff are encouraged to submit designs and the winner is awarded the contract based on a voting system. So, I won one year like that. My boss then approached me to execute the contract. Proper stand-up guy, so I said no wahala.

    He wanted a 60/40 sharing ratio with him taking 60 percent because he was executing. I told him that I drafted, pitched, and won the contract and I was willing to do 50/50. He refused. I said no wahala and took my contract somewhere else. So, it turned out that my boss complained during a management meeting that he doesn’t like the quality of my design. That people on the team have also been complaining.

    He then went ahead to pitch another design (his own) at a lesser price. But the management team really liked my design and now realizing that the contract could be executed for cheaper, told me what was happening. They were willing to stick with me as long as I reduced my price. To cut a long story short, I reduced cost and 1 million naira profit cut to N300,000.

    I still swear for that guy till today. Bastard. God will punish him.”

    Ifeoma/29/Microbiologist.

    “Someone at work almost made me go to jail. I started work at a new lab sometime last year. For some weird reason, when I joined they changed the rules. New employees were prevented from running tests without supervision. Also, we weren’t allowed to collect blood samples so we didn’t get to sign in the sample collection book.

    Someone came to run HIV test at our lab. I don’t know if there was a sample mix up, but the result came out as positive. So, normal protocol, we sent him to the HAART center. They re-tested before anything and found out that he was negative. They repeated the test three times and told him that he was negative.

    Normal na, baba was angry and carried police to our lab to pack everyone for emotional distress. When they were investigating, they asked who took his sample and the colleague called Mr Y screamed my name and said I “signed” in the book. That’s where the story burst.

    He had been on leave before I resumed so he didn’t know about the update where new workers couldn’t sign in the book. That’s how my other colleagues started saying “Ify can’t sign or collect samples because she’s new.”

    My guy was shocked. That’s how he started confessing that he realized his mistake after posting the result but he was ashamed. So, he decided to blame it on the new person because it was more believable.

    I was speechless. Am I not someone’s child? lover? a human being?

    I cried for days ehn. I still cry when I remember that incident. I don’t have friends in that company till today because of that incident.”

      Click here for happy thoughts.

      Hassan Yahaya

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    • A Week In The Life Of A Flight Attendant

      A Week In The Life Of A Flight Attendant

      “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week

      Today’s subject is *Tunde. A 29-year-old flight attendant of mixed heritage who tells us that part of the training to become a flight attendant involves learning how to deliver babies.

      flight attendant

      MONDAY:

      I wake up early today even though I haven’t really slept. The people in the Economy cabin kept me up all night with their many complaints and demands: “Do you have Poundo and Egusi?” “Is there Banga soup?” I prefer working in the Business-class cabin because the people there are usually more relaxed and less demanding. Money does that to you. Especially if you are rich in Nigeria. This is a Lagos bound flight and there are a lot of important people seated in Business-class. I spot a current Governor, a Senator, an Actress, and a Minister. 

      I have been to over sixty countries but there’s still no experience quite like going back home to Lagos. Getting to make the announcements in the local languages and the people screaming in delight because they feel seen and heard – The passengers screaming, my colleagues asking in jealous voices: “What are you saying?” “The passengers are responding” “What’s the secret?”, all eyes on me. In these moments, I know I was born for this job.

       As we approach the airport, I get up to make the announcements and inform the passengers to fasten their seat belts. After doing the English and French versions, I make the announcements in Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, and Pidgin. The passengers start to clap wildly because they can’t believe their ears. They are usually surprised when they see that I am not fully black because being addressed in a Nigerian language is rare on an international flight. It’s even rarer to see someone who is of mixed heritage that is so fluent.

      It’s 5:00 pm when we touch down in Lagos. We will be here for 36 hours before leaving again. As we get off the plane to leave for our hotel, some of the ground staff sight me and they start to scream. “Our favorite flight member”, “Welcome back sir.” They collect my bags, hug me, and ask about my family. The Captain doesn’t look too pleased with all the attention I am getting. He asks why I am getting this kind of treatment. I reply, “I am a Nigerian prince and I am from the royal family in Nigeria. And there’s no hiding place for a golden fish.”

      The Captain doesn’t seem very pleased with this reply.

      At the hotel, the Captain orders us not to go anywhere because he can’t guarantee our safety. I laugh. Why do I need to be safe guarded in my own country?

      At night, I wait till everyone is asleep before sneaking out of the hotel to visit my family on the mainland. I will be back before my crew members wake up tomorrow. How can I be living like a prisoner in my own country?

      TUESDAY:

      I oversleep, so I wake up late. I say reluctant goodbyes to my family and promise to come back as soon I can. I quickly rush to the hotel and I am lucky that the roads are free. I see the captain as I enter the hotel but he seems distracted. He looks like he wants to say something but he stops himself.

      I go up to join my crew members for breakfast and they fill me in. Apparently, the Captain spent the night with a sex worker and she stole his wallet. The Captain is worried about how to report it at headquarters without implicating himself. I laugh so hard because it serves him right.

      That’s what he deserves for telling me on the bus to the hotel that the announcement in local languages is distracting. I guess he isn’t used to not getting all the attention. I don’t blame him, it’s the many women who throw themselves at pilots that I blame. Treating them like gods and allowing them take advantage of them. Rubbish. 

      After breakfast, I go up to my room to sleep. I need to rest because we are leaving for Europe early the next morning and I must be smart and alert on the flight. 

       WEDNESDAY:

      Thankfully, I am working in the Business-class cabin today. I check the passenger list on my iPad to see passengers that have checked in and the ones that are yet to check-in. One passenger catches my eye. An 80-year old woman traveling alone but seated in Economy cabin. She immediately reminds me of my grandmother who I love very much. I make up my mind to help out in the Economy section. Even though the people there can be somehow, I must see her. I console myself with the fact that the Economy cabin is where the fun is.

      After sorting out my tasks in Business-class, I go over to check on her. I get another pop-up on the iPad that today is her birthday. I go up to her and wish her a happy birthday. Mama seems surprised and she’s wondering how I know today is her birthday.

      I smile.

      I can be dramatic, so no one is surprised when I start to sing “happy birthday to you.” And I trust my people in Economy to carry the song with me. No forming in Economy.

      After the song, people stand up to go hug mama, shower her gifts, and dash her money. I am moved by the kindness of strangers and it takes everything in me not to cry. Mama starts to address everyone and tells us about how she was expecting a quiet birthday because this is a solo trip. I can’t hold it any longer so I rush out of Economy to find a place to cry.

      It’s beautiful when someone starts something that they think is not a big deal and other people take it up and it turns out to mean a lot to the recipient. These moments make me emotional.

      After we land, the crew members gather to take photos with mama and we give her the Captain’s hat to wear. Her kids call, she picks and says “Don’t call me, I am with all my children at the airport.” This makes us laugh.

      After I get to my hotel, I recall the experience of the day and I cry happy tears. These are the moments I live for in this job.

      THURSDAY:

      I am going to Asia next. What this means is that I have to do a meal prep. I can’t eat Asian food because I am scared of eating something my system will disagree with. I am going to spend my day shopping at the nearest African market. Thankfully, my hotel room is equipped with a kitchen so I am good to go. All I need to do now is get the raw materials.

      I prepare Egusi, Jollof rice, and Efo riro for my trip. I put them in the freezer and set out the bags to carry them in. I also make sure that my portable microwave which goes wherever I go is in good shape. I don’t trust hotel staff with my food so it’s better I control the whole process from start to finish. I also check that all my favourite flours are packed and ready to go.

      I go to bed dreaming of eating Amala and Efo riro when I land in Asia.

      FRIDAY:

      I wonder why people are scared of turbulence. I see it as rocking a baby to sleep. Whenever it happens, it makes me feel very sleepy. The only thing though is that whenever a plane is experiencing turbulence, I pity people who are in the Economy cabin.

      All the pressure to balance is on the engine which is located at the back so I can’t even imagine how all the noise and rocking must feel to people there. Well, my job trains me for everything; to be a police officer, security officer, comforter, and to even deliver babies. I have never delivered a baby in the air, but I look forward to it.  

      I go over to reassure some of the passengers and calm them down. As I make my rounds, I notice a red light flashing by the engine that I have never seen before. I quickly call my colleague’s attention and he says it’s perfectly normal. His reply doesn’t seem convincing.

      flight attendant

      I still like my life so I call in to the flight deck to ask for someone to come take a look. The person comes over and explains that there is nothing to be worried about and the flashing light is perfectly normal.

      All is well again. I continue to reassure the passengers that there is nothing to be worried about.  

       SATURDAY:

      We are staying in Asia for 48 hours. Today, the crew and I are trading experiences on the job and people are sharing some of their escapades. Someone tells us about how sex on a plane should be on our bucket list if it hasn’t happened yet. The reason is that where the crew members sleep is close to the engine room and the noise from the engine drowns out all other sounds. The beauty is that you can moan as loud as you want without anyone hearing a thing. 

      Another person shares a story of how a passenger was wanking themselves on their flight. The passenger unzipped their pants and started playing with themselves. Apparently, the passenger had one too many bottles of wine to drink so he was feeling horny.

      I remember my own experience with a couple in the Business-class cabin. I had tucked them in for the night in separate beds and I left to quickly attend to something. On my way back into the cabin, I noticed that the husband’s bed was empty. I assumed he had gone to the toilet. However, I noticed movement on his wife’s bed. I realized that they were double instead of single. I quickly went up to them to remove the duvet and said: “Excuse me sir, what are you doing? Go back to your bed, sir”. He was already touching his wife and getting comfortable. I was like “No, no, no, not on my flight.” “We only have 4 more hours to go so please manage.” He didn’t look too pleased but he had to obey. If I had reported him, he could have been banned from flying.

      I retire to my hotel room wondering why people get hornier in the air.

      SUNDAY:

      We are leaving very early tomorrow morning for Europe.Then from there, back home to Lagos.  I need more rest because I am tired. But I must go to church. I look for a local church around me that I am comfortable with and I email them. They send a car to pick me up —  they seem excited to have me. Because of the nature of my job, I am always a first timer in whichever country I find myself.

      After the church service, I go back to the hotel. For me to feel well rested, I have to sleep at my usual bedtime in Nigeria because that’s what my body clock is used to. If not, I will mess up my sleep cycle. It’s still afternoon here but it’s already night back at home. So, I close the blinds and force myself to sleep.

      I fall asleep dreaming of my next flight to Lagos. I dream of making announcements on the public address system and my people cheering me on. I also dream of being treated like royalty back home and being given the accolades I deserve. I may be an ordinary employee at work, but I am a prince back in Nigeria.

      This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

      Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out. Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.

      Hassan Yahaya

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