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  • 12 Nigerians Talk About Their Worst Kissing Experience

    12 Nigerians Talk About Their Worst Kissing Experience

    Kissing is supposed to be enjoyable — just like every other activity involved in the genital bumping experience. But life happens and you might jam someone who will deprive you of the necessary enjoyment. Or you could be the one who does the depriving.

    For this post, 12 Nigerians talk about their worst kissing experience.

    Lolade

    I have a small mouth which makes anyone kissing me dominate. It’s a very enjoyable thing until my churchy boyfriend decided to turn my lips to shaki from a stubborn ram. This guy chewed my lips. His lips are way bigger and he is a fast kisser and so when the kiss happened, I was completely choked. It was a real case of ‘who dey breet’. Imagine putting your lips in a hot hair straightener. That’s just how horrible it was. Of course, I woke up with my lips swollen and sore. When my coursemate saw me, she asked if I kissed a gorilla in my dreams.

    Tunbosun.

    I once kissed this babe that was packing tongue inside my mouth as if she forgot something there. Maybe she was trying to lick my throat.

    Marcos.

    I had a brief affair with a woman who thought kissing meant chomping. All she actually did was chew my lips one by one before sucking them again, one after the other. She did the same with my tongue, and for some reason that defies belief, she proceeded to lick my face. My nose, lips, cheeks, even eyes, they all got a baptismal visit from her tongue. I was too stunned (and horny) to protest. All these were accompanied by very loud slurping sounds. Her only redemption was her blow job skills. Thank goodness the affair was brief. I don’t exactly remember how the affair ended, but I was left mildly traumatized.

    Jayeola.

    He just had really really bad breath.

    Amarachi.

    He had gap teeth and he kept sucking my tongue as if he wanted to make it pass through the gap teeth.
    It was disgusting, and I think it was probably because I didn’t like him.

    Linda.

    I was very vulnerable that day so I was crying and bros brought mouth to kiss o. I didn’t mind so I said let me clean my catarrh first, but uncle said, “No need, we have been friends for years, catarrh isn’t a problem.” Next thing, bros put mouth on my nose, sucked on it, and catarrh followed. Would you believe he swallowed it and wanted to kiss me again?

    Omo I cleaned my eyes, stood up and walked away. He called me tire, I no even look back.

    Dooshima.

    I did a genital meet and greet with someone. Mans was kissing me like I killed his favourite pet. He kept using his tongue and pouring spit into my mouth. I was disgusted. And it was even more painful because I like foreplay before sex because that’s the only way I cum. But he was already pressing his dick to enter when we had just started and he was getting the kissing wrong. I just stood up and left and for days after, I kept vomiting.

    Rebecca.

    I once had a stint with this guy in my department. When the kiss eventually happened, I wasn’t that into the idea, but he waas eager and maybe that was the problem. He licked the lipstick off my lips while I sat there with my lips sealed, unwilling to let his saliva enter my mouth. When he was done, I spat repeatedly, bought a sachet of water and rinsed my mouth well. That was the last day I french kissed him.

    Ujunwa.

    Mine happened recently. The guy literally just sucked my lips, and didn’t even know how to use his tongue, I wasn’t even able to kiss back and the way he held my face, you would think he wanted to swallow my mouth. I stopped the whole nonsense and we tried again, but it was still the same thing. He was making noises like uauhn mewt mewt mewt and I had to move his mouth to my neck because God abeg. The rest of the things that went down that day was good but the kiss was a complete no.

    Pauline.

    The guy opened his mouth really wide and for a split second, I was confused as to what his intention was. Before I knew it, his lips and tongue were all over my nose and mouth and the corners of my mouth. It was a big turn off. I just stood up, went to wash my face, wore my clothes and left. Now, I hate kissing.

    Ajoke.

    I was under a blanket with this guy and we were both gisting. The conversation led into him asking for permission to lean in for a kiss, and I said yes. Honestly, I don’t think he’s a bad person but that kiss was so forceful, so much energy expended into an act that was supposed to be tender. When I was ‘released’ I had to ask him, “Is this how you kiss everyone else?” And this guy said yes. We never kissed again.

    Hajarat.

    It was with this guy I liked him and had been wanting to kiss him for so long. Well, it turned out to be a bad idea.
    The guy’s mouth had this awful smell so I tried moving away. But he didn’t even allow me to. He held me there and kept kissing like his life depended on it. He used too much tongue too and there was a lot of saliva pouring and hard biting. See, let’s just say that was the last time I saw him.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 10 Words Nigerian Always Say Twice For Emphasis

    10 Words Nigerian Always Say Twice For Emphasis

    Emphasis has always been placed on these words for as long as Nigeria has existed, and it is blasphemous to do otherwise. Many Nigerians are guilty of this, especially nosey neighbours or that one annoying seat partner in primary school.

    1. Borrow Borrow

    This is the only way to address someone that is always borrowing people’s things, maybe Nigerians think that if they say it twice, it’ll stop the person from borrowing.

    2. Cry cry

    You will be deep in your feelings as a child, crying (sometimes unreasonably) and one yeye person will come and say, “Cry cry baby, you can cry oh.” Aunty Ngozi, no, are you mad?

    3. Fear fear

    Nigerians are very good at shaming people for being afraid of anything that scares them. To be honest, the fear of being called this has probably made people do a lot of stupid things.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Looku Looku

    This one usually follows with a slap or an insult of sorts. In fact, being called a looku looku is an insult.

    5. Scatter scatter

    This one is specially reserved by Nigerian mothers for their kids. She’ll  enter your perfectly disorganised room where you can at least find all your things, unlike the glasses she is always looking for that is always on top of her head. Somehow, you’re the scattered one.

    6. Follow follow

    If someone calls you follow follow, it’s probably because you got into trouble after following someone to do something bad.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    7. Bear bear

    This one just doesn’t make sense because how do you get “bear bear” from “beards”? But if people don’t say “bear bear” for emphasis when referring to someone growing a beard,  that means the beard is nothing to write home about.

    8. Corner corner

    This basically means that someone has done you dirty, played you wayo, or taken you fi eediat.

    9. Lie lie

    This one is complicated because it can mean so many things. If a market woman says “lie lie” in a high pitch, it means she is about to cheat you. If a child says it in a lower pitch, you are being called a liar and if two people are gossiping and one person says it, then they are simply expressing disbelief. Think about the power of emphasis, people.

    10. Copy copy

    This is when someone steals your intellectual property, style, girlfriend, slang e.t.c. The gag is to say it twice for emphasis so they can acknowledge how unoriginal they are.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Simple Ways To Snatch Someone’s Husband And Go Scot-Free

    8 Simple Ways To Snatch Someone’s Husband And Go Scot-Free

    So you like a man but you have just found out that he is married? And so? Marriage? Is that why you are downcast? You better wipe your tears and follow our advice. Collect your man, biko. That marriage is just a training ground for him to become a better husband to you.

    Here’s how to go about it:

    1. Go to his wife and let her know that you are interested.

    Come to her as a woman. The options are simple: she should either share with you or get comfortable with the fact that one day, she will wake up and he will be gone. Which one does she prefer? Let her pick her poison.

    2. If the said husband is a celebrity, find your way into his circle.

    Is he an actor? Find a way to do waka pass in the next movie he’s appearing in. Play your cards right and the next thing you know, you will waka pass into his heart and life.

    3. Let’s assume this husband is a musician.

    *Please note, this is just an assumption. You are responsible for whoever you picture in your mind.

    But let’s assume he is a musician sha. Find a way to attend his concert. Dance so he can notice you oh, otherwise they might pursue you from the concert for wasting space. When he notices you, he will bring you up. The ball is now in your court. Dance your way into holy matrimony, dear.

    4. Or maybe audition to be a back‐up singer.

    It doesn’t matter if you can sing or not. Just know how to do “Uh‐oh ouuuu” and you’re halfway there. Before they realise you are a sham, you will have become a back‐up wife. Who back‐up singing help? Certainly you.

    5. Orrrrr, kuku walk to the husband and tell him you like him.

    Who knows, he could be down for it too. Is it not Lagos men again? Besides, the ways of the Lord are mysterious and unpredictable. Confess what you hope to possess.

    6. Pray and fast, don’t forget.

    Oh, you think you can collect a whole husband without spiritual backing? I pity you oh. Wait until the fire of the Lord consumes you for trying separate what has been joined together by the soldering iron of the spirit realm.

    7. And if prayer is not your thing, do juju.

    Yes please. Don’t act shocked. Do you want the husband or not? Answer quickly please, Amadioha is waiting.

    8. Please note: anything your eyes see, take it like that oh.

    Before you come and say it’s Zikoko that gave you advice. Our hand no dey oh.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

    9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

    Dear Nigerian men (and men in the world everywhere), the matter of bum-bum washing is an important one. The agenda that men should wash their bum-bum or even take special note of their hygiene is being spread and must be abolished immediately.

    Here are the reasons:

    1. First of all, women will want to peg you.

    sex_life_-_pegging_03-01 | Zikoko!

    Women of this generation are woke to evil things. They can identify a clean bum-bum from miles away. The moment they identify you as a possessor of a washed bum-bum, they will start chasing you about with a dildo. Refuse to fall into that trap.

    2. What if you get turned on and discover that you are gay?

    Suddenly, you will be looking for men to romance you. You that you have sworn that homophobia will keep you in this country. You better wear your boxers after shitting. Clean bum-bum where? God forbid, it’s not your portion.

    3. Next thing you know, you will be shaking bum-bum on the streets.

    All because soap and water passed through that bum-bum. I rebuke it for you oh. Anything that will cause your bum-bum to shake, may it vanish from your life. Even when you want to bathe, shoot out your bum-bum so water will not touch it.

    4. Your buttocks will automatically begin to draw the attention of woke men.

    The same way we have woke women is how we have woke men. Refuse to clean your bum-bum and you will be safe from them.

    5. You’ll probably want to start shaving the hair there.

    Na from clap, dance dey start. You that the hair between your ass crack is enough to make a double drawn Peruvian wig complete with eyelashes. You better keep it that way.

    6. Next thing you know, you are changing your toothbrush after three months.

    Toothbrush that you usually use for one year or six months.

    7. Next thing you know, you are applying roll-on under your arms.

    You that you usually go out smelling like you bathed in ponmo water. They want to deprive you of your natural fragrance. You better refuse it.

    8. Next thing you know, you are wearing lingerie.

    And that begins your fall as a manly man. All because you washed your bum-bum.

    9. Next thing you know, you are looking for someone to grab your bum-bum because it suddenly feels soft.

    And that, my dear man, is the end of your life. So, keep your life. Absolutely refuse to wash your bum-bum. Why did God even give you bum-bum sef, when He could easily have given you more audacity.

    You better carry skid marks on your boxer shorts. Go about smelling the way you do. A king and more.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 12 Signs You Should Get Your Girlfriend A Children’s Day Gift

    12 Signs You Should Get Your Girlfriend A Children’s Day Gift

    When you hear Children’s Day, many of you think it’s for your little nephews and nieces and your neighbour’s children. But what of that your girlfriend? Oh, you think because she is in her 20s, she is no longer a child? Think again.

    If she manifests any of the characteristics we have listed here, please buy her a children’s day gift. At the very least, take her to an amusement park, let her play with her fellow children.

    1. If her younger sister is taller than her.

    Please buy that child a Children’s Day gift.

    2. If she has this skirt.

    You better buy her pinging leggings and yori yori blouse to complete her wardrobe. Maybe buy her hair bond too. Be her father and her lover.

    3. If she still lives with her parents.

    She will be considered an adult when she is independent. If not, the committee will still consider her a child, plis.

    4. If she types am instead of I’m.

    You’re dating a Kindergarten babe in adult abeg. If she refuses to change, she’ll be getting a children’s day gift every year.

    5. If her shoe size is between size 32 to size 40.

    Please buy her konkon shoe. Let her wear it to church to recite her memory verse.

    6. If her hand cannot reach the top shelf or the ceiling fan.

    The same way you have been helping her to achieve great things, help her achieve that feeling of childhood again. Buy her a gift!

    7. If she owns any of these sandals.

    Image

    Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” Buy Chinenye of Galilee a new pair of sandals so she can join other children to meet the Lord.

    8. If she runs before crossing the road.

    Girlfriend that does not have courage, is that one an adult? It’s very sure she’s still in children’s church.

    9. If she cannot spell.

    Image

    You too, judge it. Doesn’t she deserve a gift? Maybe Queen Primer.

    10. If she cannot solve Maths.

    Test her. If she fails, take her to the amusement park to meet her fellow kids.

    11. If she is the last born.

    Clearly, you are dating a child. Text her to wish her a happy children’s day!

    12. If her name is Princess or Mama.

    Image

    My dear, you know what to do. Buy that poor child a gift.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • How To Sleep Your Way To The Top In Nigeria

    How To Sleep Your Way To The Top In Nigeria

    Succeeding is hard in this country. Even when you make it, you are accused of ‘sleeping your way to the top’ even though you were wide awake. How then does one sleep their way to the top, since people will accuse you of doing it regardless?

    We have ideas. It’s time to sleep your way to the top. Goodbye to working hard!

    1. Look for an upstairs apartment and rent.

    Your mattress will be upstairs too, won’t it? Congratulations, you have slept your way to the top.

    2. Don’t attend job interviews.

    Just find a comfortable spot in your place of worship and sleep. Divine connection through sleep. Which top is higher than heaven? None. Not even Kiliminjaro.

    Help yourself so that God can help you oh.

    3. If you do attend any job interview, ask them to offer you a bed to sleep.

    They’ll do it. You know why? It’ll show you as a unique candidate who has everything under control, and that is who they want in their organisation. Look at you, sleeping your way into an employment.

    4. Are you planning to sleep with someone? Stay on top.

    We don’t mean sleeping – sleeping oh, were are referring to the actual sleeping – sleeping. You know the vibes. *wink*

    5. Hailing a ride? You better sit on top.

    Any sleep that will catch you, let it catch you there. You need to manifest your topmost ambition before anything. That’s the truth.

    6. Any elevator you enter, sleep in it as it takes you to the top floor.

    May God guide your journey as you sleep your way to the top. May you not experience nightmares in your sleep.

    Kunle Ologunro

    ,

  • Interview With Follow Come Earpiece: “Why I Get Lost Easily”

    Interview With Follow Come Earpiece: “Why I Get Lost Easily”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    The Follow Come Earpiece is a very important phone accessory. Good music, great sound quality, but there is just one problem: it gets missing easily.

    Today on Interview With, Follow Come Earpiece explains what exactly is going on.

    Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

    Follow Come Earpiece: Omo, you are welcome oh. Just hurry up with the interview, I have a lot of things to do, so I cannot afford to waste too much time here.

    What do you mean by waste too much time?

    Ahan. Is that part of the interview questions?

    No, I’m just curious.

    Curious about what?

    Okay, let me break it down.

    Oya nau, carry hammer and pieces it so I can understand.

    We have interviewed a number of subjects: Crayfish, Cocaine. Even Lagos and Traffic. They were all patient and they didn’t hurry…

    So what are you driving at?

    I’m saying that you are the first interview subject who seems to be in a hurry.

    [Slow clap]. Na wa oh. Do you know who I am?

    Erm—

    Because I agreed to sit down in your yeye office and answer questions, you think you can waste my time or something? My dear, go and ask about me oh. I’m a hot cake on these streets. Do you think it’s easy to be a follow come earpiece?

    Let me tell you, many people are willing to give out their kidney. But when it comes to dashing someone their follow come earpiece, that is where they draw the line. In other words, I am very valuable. If you stand by the roadside and me too I stand by the roadside, there is a very high chance that I will find someone to give me a lift before anybody looks at your side.

    Ha.

    Deal with it.

    When did you become aware of this power?

    I have always known that I was quite valuable right from birth. Imagine being created by the same people that created the phone. There’s a level of power that comes with that. But then people started using me and praising my worth, and it just occurred to me one day that, “Wait oh. I be hot cake.” And that was when my shoulder pad became higher.

    https://twitter.com/Cchharm/status/1249328471219810305

    And let’s be fair, I work hard. I make sounds clearer, I bring out the lyrics you cannot hear if you buy an earpiece from a mallam. I give you all the beats. It’s only fair that people praise my work. It’s not easy to be who I am and do what I do.

    Interesting.

    You know what’s more interesting? The fact that if you steal me, they can take you to court.

    Ehn?

    Ask Law students nau.

    Let them go and study their Law, go to Law School and come back, there is no problem. We both know that one day one day, they will represent my best interests in the court of law. Imagine being so powerful that you can feed people by giving them something to keep them busy.

    But don’t you think you might be… um, a little overhyped?

    It is you who will be overhyped. Mr Interviewer, this is your last warning. You say one more rubbish and I am out. I need to be stolen or get lost so I can stop working.

    Wait, wait. You need to be what?

    I NEED TO BE STOLEN. S-T-O-L-E-N. I need someone to steal me. What part of that do you not understand?

    The whole thing.

    What did you graduate with?

    Shirt and trouser. It was hot, so I didn’t wear suit.

    I—

    How do they hire you people in this office? How were you hired? Don’t bother answering, please. Don’t kill what is left of my last brain cell. But let me explain what I mean to you. You probably won’t understand, but I’ll take it as my service to humanity.

    Thank you.

    See, life as a follow come ear piece is hard. Day after day, I have to stay focused. People crushing on me left and right, ears begging me to come inside them, but I cannot allow myself to be distracted. I have to stay on top of the game, you know?

    Besides, Nigerians will overwork me if I give them the chance. They will use me to watch movies, play many songs, and when I am supposed to be at home resting, they will still carry me out and use me again. All because I am follow come. I no come this life to suffer, dear.

    So…

    I intentionally get lost. Is it not when you see me that you will use me?

    Omo.

    And if getting lost does not work, I seduce people. I enter their eyes so they can steal me. At least my workload can change for a while. When I get to the new place, I then figure out an escape plan. That’s how I have been living my life. I give people quality sounds for a while, and then I find a way to get lost or stolen. This is Nigeria. You better learn how to be wise or people will kill you with work.

    You can imagine: someone’s phone will be stolen or lost, and instead of them to free the follow come earpiece, people will be begging them for the follow come earpeice. We will not be unfortunate, please.

    Before we go, is there anything you’d like to tell your users?

    I just want them to use me carefully. And if they refuse, I pray that other people will use you the way you plan to use me.

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 8 Struggles People With Small Hands Can Relate To

    8 Struggles People With Small Hands Can Relate To

    Having small hands has its perks on some good days, like if your fork, spoon and knives decide to hide behind a cupboard you don’t stress because you can reach it, your entire hand can also get to the bottom of any snack you’re eating, but it’s not always good times. Here are 8 struggles people with small hands face.

    1. People are always measuring their palms against yours

    You have either found yourself in a relationship through “let’s measure our hands” or people just use you to make themselves feel better, there is no in-between.

    2. You can never find jewellery that fits

    Especially rings and bracelets. The moment you find one that fits, you wear it forever.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. You look cute when you flip people off

    Whether it’s you giving them the middle finger or saying waka your small hands won’t allow you to be great, people always end up laughing.

    4. You cant open large jars

    Small hands are limiting like that, The amount of breakdowns people with small hands have after trying to open a jar is just sad.

    5. Shaking people is an awkward experience

    Their hands always swallow yours and they squeeze too hard and most times your entire palm can only hold two or three of their fingers.

    6. Your phone falls a lot

    You dare not hold your phone with anything else in your hands because it will fall, your friends are always laughing about the number of times your phone falls on your face in a day.

    7. Keyboards are your enemy

    Typing is a tedious experience for you, especially if the keyboard is wide. Tying fast must sound like a myth to you. Sorry, the world is cruel.

    8. You can’t carry anything

    Especially that big popcorn they sell in the cinema. How many times has it fallen from your hands? Society has been mean to you for way too long.

    If you liked this, you should read about people that struggle with small feet here

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Struggles People With Small Feet Can Relate To

    7 Struggles People With Small Feet Can Relate To

    Small feet might look “cute” but the struggle Is real when it comes to finding shoes that you like. As if being Nigerian is not bad enough, why do people have to deal with small feet? I’d like to talk to whoever is in charge but for the main time, here are 7 things people with small feet can relate to.

    1. Trouble finding a specific shoe

    You don’t even bother, is it someone that is buying their shoe from the kid’s section that will see 10-inch heels to step on their man’s neck? Nigerians would invite you for a wedding and say you should wear Gbegiri yellow shoe, where would even start from?

    2. Having to add extra holes in your shoes

    Imagine going from adding extra holes in your school shoe as a child to adding extra holes to your heel strap because your feet refused to just grow. The ghetto for real.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. Buying your shoes from the kid’s section

    Do they make cool kids shoes these days? Yes, but omo, everyone can still tell abeg there’s just something about the shoes. You’ll be feeling fly in your Chelsea boots next thing, PJ masks theme song plays when you walk.

    4. People making fun of your “baby feet”

    Every time “aww it’s so cute you could wear baby shoes” Thanks Bose, nobody asked for your comment abeg. Some people even make a point by trying to fit their big legs inside the shoe you struggled to find.

    5. You can never borrow someone’s shoe

    You cant share shoes with your siblings, partners, friends. Omo, life is tough for the small of feet.

    6. You stuff your shoe

    Especially sneakers, it’s almost like they can’t make it in an exact size, so you either stuff it or you have custom made shoe pads. It’s fine sha this world is not our final home, it not by big feet.

    7. You cant find socks that fit

    “One size fits all” All people do is lie sha. Somebody should come and explain why the socks are folded two times over in that shoe then if it really is one size fits all.

    If you enjoyed reading this, you can find more here.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 13 Signs You Are Dating An Evil Spirit

    13 Signs You Are Dating An Evil Spirit

    If you are in a relationship and you’d like to know if you are dating an evil spirit, here are clear signs. If your boyfriend or girlfriend does at least five things on this list, you better pack your load and run.

    1. They kiss with their eyes open.

    Normal people kiss with their eyes closed. If your own partner does it with their eyes wide open, they are probably gauging the best way to donate you at their monthly meeting.

    2. They prefer injection to pills.

    You too, think about it. This kind of person will feel no pain when it’s time to use you for sacrifice.

    3. They swallow their pills without water.

    Ah. Run ohhh.

    4. They sleep with their legs on the wall.

    They will probably call it a good way to get blood flowing, but hmmm. Nigerian Airways, evil spirit edition. Flee that relationship NOW!

    5. They chew their medication.

    What’s the assurance that they won’t chew your flesh when the time comes?

    6. They sleep with their eyes open.

    Even when they are asleep, they are still monitoring you. God abeg oh.

    7. They eat Semo.

    You sef. Is this flag not red enough? Is it until you see 666 on their head???

    8. They enjoy avocado.

    You still want to remain in that relationship, abi? Okay oh. Maybe they have initiated you without your knowledge sef.

    9. They eat before brushing.

    Isn’t this premium evil spirit behaviour?! How can you eat before you brush your teeth?

    10. They do asfdjhjs when eating hot food.

    If hot food does not faze them, don’t think your tears will faze them when it’s time to drag you to the midnight meeting.

    11. They chew their swallows.

    Someone chews eba and you don’t think they are from the marine kingdom?? Okay nau.

    12. They snore.

    They are communicating with their fellow evil spirits. BRING OUT THE HOLY WATER!

    13. They don’t snore.

    This one has upgraded to premium evil spirit plan. Till they will finish you, you will not know.

    You better run.

    Kunle Ologunro

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