Humour | Page 7 of 13

12 Easy Ways To Know Your Partner No Longer Loves You

Love is not difficult; if your partner loves you, it is clear to see and know. But sometimes, you might be with someone who is showing signs that are very hard to read. You then spend the entire time wondering if they love you or not.

You don’t have to worry anymore. Here are 12 easy ways to know your partner no longer loves you.

1. If they sleep with their back turned to you.

They are already showing you their back. It’s time to start packing your load because that relationship is on its last bar. It won’t last another month.

2. If you tell them you have not eaten and they say, “Ehya, make sure you eat something oh.”

Of course, they no longer care if you die or live. They are over you. Think back to when you first met; did they not send you food, at the very least?

3. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Come if you want.”

You don cast. Better break up before you find out that they are marrying someone who is not you.

4. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Yes, you can come.”

Should you even have to ask? When the relationship started, were they not begging you to come and visit them? What changed?

5. If the number of sexual rounds reduce.

Of course, they can no longer stand you. They just want you to get up and leave their space.

6. If the number of sexual rounds increase.

Clearly, they want to enjoy what they can enjoy before they throw you out like trash. Do you want our advice? Deprive them of that enjoyment. Lock up and then break up.

7. If they don’t like you eating from their plate.

The both of you ordered rice and they still don’t want you to eat sixteen spoons from their rice? Omo, better break-up. There is nothing left for you in that relationship.

8. If they ask you to eat from their food.

They are indirectly calling you a longthroat. If I were you, I will not eat that food. It’s break-up straight.

9. If they fall asleep before you.

If this is not enough sign for you, then you need help.

10. If they fall asleep after you.

Are you a child that they have to put you to bed first? That person is infantlising you. Please leave. We want you to want better for yourself.

11. If they come back from an outing without buying you anything, just because you said you don’t want anything.

They couldn’t even make an effort?? Nah, that person no longer loves you.

12. If they come back from an outing and give you a gift even after you said you don’t want anything.

This person clearly doesn’t listen to you. Are you proud to be in a relationship where your words don’t count? You better leave. There is no more love in that relationship. It has dried up.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 31, 2021

Inside Life

break-up, Humour, Laughter, romance, Sarcasm
13 Signs Of A Stubborn Girlfriend

There are many signs of a stubborn girlfriend. But sometimes, ladies can disguise their stubbornness in a way that will make you completely unaware of this. In other words, a babe can call you “Big Head” until you enter the relationship and she actually shows you who has the bigger head.

Or she might not even need to disguise. She can be her stubborn self and because stubbornness turns you on, you will chase her and enter a relationship with her.

In any case, here are 13 signs of a stubborn girlfriend.

1. She has natural hair.

If you think we are lying, conduct a survey of naturalistas. Come back to report your findings to us.

Special Mention: Babes on lowcut. They are also on the list. Them dey try small.

2. She was born in March, June, July, August, and September.

Quick, think of all the stubborn girls you have dated in the past. What months were they born in? Oh, you see the connection now?

Special Mention: Girls born in February. Their own stubborness is incomplete, but their head dey spark sometimes.

3. She has no front hair.

Stubbornness is what removed all her front hair. Don’t do Ghana weaving, don’t do box braids, she said no. It’s not only in relationships that she shows her stubbornness, she carried it into her hair choices too.

4. She is the last born.

These ones are born with the stubbornness. It is their natural talent.

5. She has at least one brother.

That’s how she sharpens her stubbornness. Practice makes perfect, you know. That way, when you enter her life, she can display all the things she has practiced on you.

6. Her forehead is big.

Take a quick guess: what do you think is in there? One answer: STUBBORNNESS.

7. She is below 5’6″

We hate to say this, but the stubbornness is what is pressing her down. Let her stop being stubborn for a while and see how tall she will be.

8. Her shoe size is between 36 – 40.

Even you, you know we are not lying.

9. She wears glasses.

At least 80% of them. The source of our statistics? Guinness Book Of World Records, Enugu Edition.

10. She doesn’t wear make-up.

Yes, we said it. Do you have a problem with that? Show up in our office with your counter claim.

11. She wears make-up.

Again, we said it. If you have a problem with that, show up in our office with a face full of make-up and we will show you just how stubborn you are, coming to challenge something we said, instead of just accepting it.

12. She attends Unilag, Covenant University, Babcock, and OAU.

The centre of educated agberos and stubborn babes. Those schools are their headquarters.

13. She has at least 3 female bestfriends.

These are her advisers, the fertilisers for her stubbornness. If you dig deeper, you will find that they have a WhatsApp group.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 24, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Sarcasm, signs of a stubborn girlfriend, stubborn girlfriend
6 Ways To Punish Your Parents When They Start Growing Wings

Sometimes, parents grow wings and start keeping late nights and other such things. Here are some effective ways to punish your parents and prevent matters from getting out of hand.

1. Tell them to face the wall

Tell them to face the wall and think about what they’ve done. Make sure you check on them every 20 minutes to find out if they’ve learnt their lesson.

2. Tell them to write “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again” 500 times

It can be more or less, depending on your mood, but they need to write it as many times as possible to show they’re truly sorry.

3. Change their password

If they can’t unlock their phone, they won’t be able to get in touch with those friends that are corrupting them. Restricting websites they can visit is a plus.

4. Seize their phone

If they somehow figure out the new password, just seize their phone. No phone, no problem.

5. Start giving them one piece of meat

When you start giving them one piece of meat, they will know that something is wrong somewhere. They will definitely adjust their behaviour after that.

6. Lock them in their room

This might seem extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If they keep misbehaving after you’ve tried everything, simply lock them in their room. It’s the most efficient way to punish your parents.

Tuntamilore

July 21, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Parents, punishment
8 Ways To Pick Plenty Money At A Nigerian Party

Dearest reader, tough times are now beginning to last. Gone are those days where people have decency and often refuse to pick money at parties. These days, many more people are throwing money in the air at parties and if you cannot beat them, it’s probably better to join them.

Without further ado, here’s how to pick plenty money when you are chanced to attend a party where such an act is being done.

Please note, spraying money at parties can send you to jail sha.

1. Go with fishing net.

Your hands will never be enough to do the job. We’re not even lying to you. Once they fling money in the air like this, just use your net to gather it. Work smart, not hard.

2. If you don’t have fishing net, use your kitchen sieve.

This one too will do the work. Just jump and pack money like water. People might want to beat you, but we’ll tell you how to deal with them. Just be reading.

3. Whatever you do, don’t stay in the front.

Always stay in the middle. You know why? When the money is thrown, it won’t land in front, it will go into the crowd and you will be able to catch it because you have the advantage of position.

4. Make sure your clothes are tight.

If you wear baggy clothes, someone will drag you. Remember, the market is competitive.

If you think this article is making sense, why not spray some money our way?🤑 Click here to see how.

5. Wear sneakers or shoes, not slippers.

Slippers is impractical because someone can step on your slippers while you are picking money. Besides, slippers won’t allow you run well. This thing requires sense.

6. Know how to push people.

Sorry for this advice, but the game is the game. Do you want to catch money or do you want to be a good samaritan? The choice is yours oh, Ogbuefi.

7. If they are spraying the money and not throwing it in the air, put chewing gum under your shoes.

You know how this works? You chew the gum a bit, and them gum it under your shoe in mutiple places. Then you walk into the party where the money has been sprayed. Walk around on top of the money and then carefully walk out. Repeat the process until you have packed enough money.

Here’s another example:

8. Find someone to collaborate with.

Teamwork is important in this kind of situation. Just find someone that cannot cheat you. At the end of the day, you both will calculate how much you have picked and then share it.

Don’t thank us, we are just doing our work.

How To Pick Money From The Floor Without Turning To Yam

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 17, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigerian party, picking money, Sarcasm
Interview With Sallah Ram: “I Am Someone’s Child Too”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

During Sallah period, people are more concerned about the meat they will eat than the life of the actual animal. Today on Interview With, we decided to give a voice to the Sallah Ram community so we can understand things from their own perspective.

What’s it like being a Sallah ram? What goes through their minds as the big day approaches? This interview is an eye-opener.

Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.

Sallah Ram: Mehhh.

Ehn?

Thank you, thank you. As you have listened to me, may people listen to you too.

Er… Is that a prayer?

It’s a blessing. At this point, you should not disregard my words. If the words of a dying man are valuable, can you imagine how powerful the words of a dying Sallah ram will be?

Oh wow. You sound so cool about it.

What else do you want me to do? Should I get up and fight my owners? If my destiny is to end up inside a pot of stew or to become asun, let me just collect it and go. There is no point trying to change it.

Besides, recent events have shown that cows are more likely to end up in higher positions of power while rams remain forgotten, only to be brought out during Sallah.

Who put cows in positions of power?

If you are still asking me that question at this stage of your life, then something is wrong with you.

No, I was just—

Oh, so you want to say you did not hear that the government is planning to create a database for cows?

Wait a minute, I’ll be sharing NIN with cow?

Oho. The database will include information about who owns them, where they come from, what type of cows they are, etc.

Imagine hearing that kind of news when you are putting your life in order because the only news you are preparing for is what date Sallah falls on. That kind of thing will break your heart, I tell you. It’s like a confirmation that you are not rated at all. I mean, I know you only want me for Sallah and you want cows every other day. But can you not make it so obvious? I am trying to write my will before Sallah so I can know who will inherit my bed.

Ehya.

The whole thing is annoying. No animal is greater than the other, that’s what I believe. But recent events have shown me and my homegirls that cows are definitely greater than all of we rams.

Why were we not invited to Anambra this weekend, for instance? And yet cows got invitations.

What’s going on in Anambra this weekend?

Ah, it’s a whole party oh. Let me gist you. Obi Cubana’s mother died and—

Wait, wait, who is Obi Cubana?

Just focus on the gist.

Okay, okay.

Ehen, so Obi Cubana’s mother died and they are doing the burial in Anambra. When we heard, we started preparing na, as per they will come and pick us to grace the occasion. Some of us were even happy that we would at least see Anambra before we die. The bus came oh, and we already lined up to enter. They just ignored us and started putting cows inside. Up to 246 cows, and no single ram.

Not even one! We had to hide our heads in shame. If that is not partial treatment, then I don’t know what to call it. Anyway, we are back to focusing on Sallah.

Wow. That’s a lot.

I tell you.

Can I ask you something personal?

Yes na.

What goes through your mind when you are about to be killed?

MY BROTHER, IT IS PLENTY!

See, this is something I did not mention earlier. Life as a ram means that all I do with my life is based around Sallah. If I decide to fall in love, I do it bearing in mind that when Sallah comes, that romance will end in tears. This is why it’s better to not have emotional attachments. Just bump genitals and keep it moving.

Life advice from a Sallah Ram?

Take it or leave it.

Some readers would appreciate it.

If I decide to bear children too, I know I’ll have to say goodbye to them by Sallah. Friendships, acquaintances, they all end when Sallah comes. All our lives, we spend it preparing for Sallah.

And are you always prepared when Sallah actually comes?

Is anyone ever prepared for death? When they are about to put that knife to my neck, I think, “So this is the point of life? I’m just here to provide nutrition to other people? For real? Like, the whole point of my life is to be fried and added to Jollof rice? Wow, Auzu billahi. What a way to tell me you don’t rate me.”

Have you tried negotiating a better ending for yourself?

As what, please? Somebody’s groomsman?

No, no. I was asking if you have spoken to animal rights activists or something.

[Sallah Ram bursts out laughing]

In this Nigeria? Animal rights activists sef dey find nutrition. I’ll go there to state my case, next thing I know, they are petting me. In one minute, I have fallen asleep. The next time I open my eyes, I am in heaven. What is now my gain? Why not kuku wait till Sallah?

In fact, I doubt if animal rights activists exist in Nigeria. Have you people finished fighting for your human rights that you now want to carry animal rights on your head? Imagine you waking up one day and saying you want to start fighting for the rights of a ram. They will look at you and ask, “Right to do what, please?”

Okay, okay, but what would you like to say to people?

I don’t have much to say. I just want to tell them that they should treat me decently. I am somebody’s child too. That I am providing you nutrition does not mean you will do me anyhow.

Do you anyhow as how?

See ehn, some people will buy me and tie me down before Sallah. Give me proper food, they won’t. Only grass. And I’m just there thinking, “Habeeb, if it was only grass they have been feeding me all this while, would you find any meat on my body? Would you be attracted to me enough to buy me and keep? Have you even seen the state of my body?”

As if that one is not enough, some people will carry me to go and fight someone else’s ram. I just look at them and think, “Tell me, Kazeem, what exactly is your problem in this life? If you want to fight, why not carry your siblings and ask them to start attacking each other? And if you don’t have siblings, please remove your jellabiya and enter Ojuelegba. Somebody will definitely give you that fight you are so desperate for.”

I—

Sorry for the long rant. I just figured I had to say it. If I’m going to be slaughtered in a few days time, I might as well get some things off my chest.

Anyway, I have to go now. I need to finish writing my will so I don’t leave my children desolate when I leave this world.

Ehya. May your soul rest in peace.

And you too.

No thanks.

Ahan, you don’t want to rest in peace?

Not now, please.

Okay, whenever you choose, may your soul rest in peace.

I rebuke you.

Okay, fine. May you not rest in peace.

You know what?

What?

You actually deserve to be slaughtered for Sallah.

[Zikoko and Sallah Ram attack each other]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Also read:

Interview With Food: “Are Nigerian Men Possessed By The Spirit Of Hunger?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 16, 2021

Interview With…

Humour, Sallah meat, sallah ram
11 Ways To Identify A Struggling Nigerian Babe

Streets are tough, but Nigerian babes are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any babe who manifests any of these signs, please run. That madam is broke and has nothing to offer you.

Stay woke, kings.

1. If she is still in the university.

This is the number one marker of a struggling babe. If you date her, the only thing she will bring to the table is past questions and Dr. Ojewole’s ECN 211 handout. My guy, abeg flee.

2. If she works at a 9 – 5.

LMAO this one is clearly still struggling. If you date her, just know you will carry all the expenses, because how much will they pay her at the 9 – 5 if not money for creamy pasta? You better leave her alone.

3. If you cannot give you at least N200K when you have an emergency.

God forbid poverty for you oh. Imagine dating a babe that does not have spare N200k lying in her account. What are you doing in that kind of relationship?

4. If she is between 21 -25.

Please and please just go. Babes in this age bracket are the founding members of the struggling babes association, Nigerian chapter. Date them at your own risk.

5. If she owns this shoe.

This is their signature shoes. You know where they wear it to? To eat creamy pasta that they didn’t pay for. You don’t believe us? Throw one leg of this shoe into a Lagos restaurant. Honest to God, you will hit a struggling babe about to lift her third forkful of pasta into her mouth.

6. If she wears thrift.

Please oh, leave that struggling madam alone and go for a babe who can comfortably wear Deola Sagoe to ShopRite.

7. If she has less than 5 wigs.

Clearly, that poor babe is struggling. Leave her on her own, please. When she has money, let her come back to the relationship.

8. If she has no egdes.

Guy, run oh. Clearly that babe has lost one struggle. Enter a relationship with her and you will end up losing more.

9. If she is not up to 5’9″

She might not be struggling financially, but there are other factors she is struggling with. Free that babe, abeg, make she carry her wahala dey go.

10. If she is the first daughter.

Ah, you want to date a family woman? You better leave her before you enter the relationship and join her in her struggles.

11. If she is still alive.

Toh, I see you like struggling a lot. Someone is battling all the many things life is throwing at her and you still want to date her? You better settle for a dead babe so you can both rest in peace.

If she cannot click the link below to dash Zikoko money, RUN.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 10, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Laughter, Sarcasm, struggling babe
7 Simple Ways To Win The Heart Of A Nigerian Sapiosexual

These days, many Nigerian sapiosexuals are on the loose, and they are looking for babes who can match their intellectual appetite. How then can you win the heart of a Nigerian sapiosexual and remain there forever? Well, that’s what we are here to teach you.

1. When you meet for the first time, stylishly tell them you have an IQ of 120.

It’s not like you have that IQ, but just say it. I swear, the way they will toast you ehn! They have finally found their intellectual match. Do you know how hard that can be in this Nigeria where many babes are only interested in entertainment news and the colour of Beyonce’s pant?

2. If you want to gift them anything, please make it a copy of Merriam Webster’s dictionary.

A thoughtful and edifying gift from a thoughtful person? Ah, you don win. You have captured their heart with your love.

3. If you don’t want to appear too forward, you can start with a current affairs pamphlet.

It’s small, but it shows you are attuned with your country’s history. If you want to finish things, just casually mention that you know Goodluck Ebele Jonathan studied Zoology. I swear, you have killed the sapiosexual. If you lower your eyes, you’ll see their rock hard erection.

4. If you want to go on a date, please choose a museum.

You are there to display your highly complex brain. Shawarma date cannot show that, please. Don’t embarrass us.

9 Questions To Ask On A First Date To Be Sure You Have Found ‘The One’

5. When they barb gorimapa, lick their scalp.

This is an act of physical intimacy. And it’s unusal too, which is just one thing Nigerian sapiosexuals like.

6. Want to talk dirty to a Nigerian sapiosexual? Recite the national anthem.

‘Arise o comptriots, Nigeria’s call obey…’ By the time you reach the national pledge, they’ll be the ones begging you to ravish them.

7. When you eventually have sex, moan the names of Nigeria’s past and present head of state.

They hang your legs on the window, scream Yaradua! They grab you in places we cannot mention, scream Tafawa Balewa! They choke you, purr Nnamdi Azikwe. Just do as we say and watch your sapiosexual have the most intense orgasm of their life.

How To Be An Original Nigerian Sapiosexual

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 10, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigerian sapiosexual, sapiosexuals
Interview With Lai Mohammed’s Cap: “I Am Not Like My Oga”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigeria’s Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, has been caught in a lie a few times too many. In fact, someone on Nairaland made a thread of top 50 lies he has told over time. At a point, Nigerians began to blame his lies on the cap that he wore.

The cap reached out to Zikoko for an interview so it could clear its name. Let’s just say that things didn’t go the way we expected them to.

Zikoko: Hello.

Lai Mohammed’s Cap: It’s good to see you.

That one is your business.

Ahan, why?

Me I don’t want wahala. Let’s just finish this interview so you can go before your owner starts looking for you.

I assure you, there can be no trouble. Shebi I was the one who entered you people’s office with my two legs? Believe me, I’ll say what I have to say and leave here before people notice that I’m missing.

Alright, start.

First of all, I didn’t choose this life. It chose me.

That is what you all say.

Believe me. Listen, when I was being sketched on a notepad, even my designer did not think I would end up this way. In fact, when they finished making me and my siblings, they just dumped us together in one nylon and kept us in the shop. It was only one cap they used to advertise the rest of us, and that was me. One day, I just saw that they packed me and siblings inside one bag and took us away. Next thing I knew, I was on someone’s head.

I saw that the head was strong, and that the hair on it was scanty and white. I was even scared. It was when the person looked in the mirror that I saw it was Lai Mohammed. I screamed.

Chai!

Yes, he’s a politician, but that’s not enough reason to be happy. Nigerian politicians have a special reason for wearing caps which nobody knows. Should I say it?

Go on.

They receive curses everyday. The caps they wear is how they dodge some of these curses.

You don’t mean it.

Look, my master Lai might be a liar, but me his cap, I cannot lie to you. Tell me, when last did you see any Nigerian politician without a cap?

Hmm.

I know what I am saying. I could give you a list of names if you think I’m lying.

But wait oh.

Yes?

You are changing the story here, please.

As how?

People are saying that it is when Lai Mohammed puts you on that he becomes—

A liar?

I didn’t say that. Don’t kobalise me, please.

So what does he become?

An editor of true events…

See, you can say all you want, but I know that I stand for the truth. I was designed to be a cap of truth. I just ended up in the hands of a man who has dragged my reputation down the mud.

Do you know how painful it is? That man has soiled my name for life. Any respectable person cannot wear me and go scot free. People will call that person a liar. This breaks my heart.

This cap, you are lying.

Ehn?

Yes, I said what I said. You this cap, you are capping.

So even after all I said, you still think I am a liar?

Yes.

Oya prove it.

We all know Fashola to be a responsible man…

Okay…

But he put you on, and he became Fashola Holmes, a detective who was discovering camera.

That’s the mistake you are making. You think Fashola tells the truth 100%? If you believe that, then I have a plot of beach to sell to you.

My point is, you too, you are responsible.

Responsible for what?

Your owner can be a liar, but when they put you on, the lie multiplies.

I-

That is when Lai’s mouth will assume multiple shapes. He already has you on; the lies can flow easily.

Hmm. I see you don’t like the truth.

We like the truth. We just don’t want to hear it from you.

In that case, you must pay.

Pay for what?

For calling me a liar, of course! I carried myself into your office, cleaned up my act and said let me rebrand ahead of the 2023 elections so that a new politician can pick me up, but you have chosen to spoil that market by calling me a liar, abi?

Very good. [Begins to dial a number]

Who are you calling? Don’t try rubbish oh.

Shebi I am the liar? I will kuku lie that lie today. I will show you that I did my internship under Lai Mohammed. If they don’t ban you, call me a bastard.

Hmm. You this cap, come and be going oh. We don’t want wahala, please.

Hello Daddy Lai. It’s me, your cap. I’m at this office and they said that you are a liar, and that you want to destroy Nigeria.

Ah, I did not say that oh.

Their address? It is at Number-

[Zikoko runs away.]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 9, 2021

Interview With…

Humour, Lai Mohammed, Lai Mohammed's Cap, satire
How To Graduate With A First Class Degree From Any University In The World

Today was my convocation from UNILAG, and I graduated with a first class. In this article, I’ll show you exactly how I did it.

Graduating with a first class degree is one of the most celebrated feats in academia around the world. Imagine having “Graduated with a first class degree from Harvard University” on your résumé. Amazing stuff.

In this article, whether it’s UNILAG or Harvard you want, I’ll show you how to graduate with a first class.

1. First of all, get into the school.

This is the hard part. We can’t help you get admitted into any university, but once you do, we’ll take it from there. If you’ve already passed this stage, keep reading.

2. Don’t attend classes.

Don’t waste your time attending classes. You have better things to do with your life. Use all that time to hustle because you already know that no matter what, you will graduate with a first class.

You’re welcome.

3. Make friends.

Friends are important in life, yes. But in this plan, they are very important. You’ll see why. And don’t just make two or three friends o. Be friends with almost everyone in class. The more cliques you’re in, the better.

4. Learn how to use Canva.

Canva is a free online tool for photo editing. No, this isn’t an ad. This is your key to being a Harvard graduate. Go and learn how to use Canva today.

5. Get a clear picture of your set’s graduation list.

Image source: DNB Stories

This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. That “pass” that they gave you is not for you, don’t worry. It’s their sons and daughters that will graduate with pass, not you.

6. Edit your name into first class.

Just like that, you’re a first class graduate

When we were asking you to learn how to use Canva, you thought we were joking. Who will edit your name for you now?

7. Share it with your friends and family.

My mother when she sees this

If you do a good job editing your name, share it with your parents. You are the first-class child they’ve been looking for. All your older siblings in the mud.

8. Add it to your CV.

Abi is that not why you were looking for a first-class degree in the first place?

9. Remember those friends we asked you to make? Let them back up your lie.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

[donation]

David Odunlami

July 6, 2021

Inside Life

First class, graduates, Graduating, Humour
11 Things To Carry With You Before Entering The Lagos Dating Scene

If you think you can enter the Lagos dating scene empty-handed and come out with a successful relationship, that is a very big lie. Before you enter that warzone, here are 11 important things you must carry with you.

1. Pankere.

This one is to flog that person who ghosted you after one date where you thought you both had a genuine connection. They’re most likely the first person you will jam in the Lagos dating scene. Flog that bastard with all your strength.

2. Scanner.

This is necessary so you can detect the man who will be fortunate from the one that will be unfortunate. Given how the Lagos dating scene is, both the fortunate and the unfortunate have mixed together and it can be hard to know who is who.

3. Anointing oil.

This is for spiritual guidance so you can choose the bone of your bone. You might say that you don’t believe in spiritual things, but let me tell you, even a time-waster can disguise as the love of your life. Please take my advice, I have been there and I know how it feels.

4. Broom.

Oh yes, there will be witches and wizards in the Lagos dating scene. You might need to carry out impromptu deliverance oh.

5. Panadol.

One thing is sure in the Lagos dating scene: headache. Even someone that you did not date will give you headache. Abeg, enter that battle ground armed with all your medicine.

6. Oxygen mask.

Yes oh. You need an inhaler. Some people’s beauty with take your breath away. And yes too, some people’s bad breath will literally have you gasping for breath.

7. Fresh stew.

Oh you cannot go empty-handed into the Lagos dating scene if you are hoping to catch a man oh. There are a lot of hungry people there. Just find someone whose hunger you can manage. Trap him with food and take him home. He will suffer when he enters, but at least you have collected the relationship you want.

8. Vibrators.

If you think you will find orgasms in the Lagos dating scene, you lie. It’s not that you cannot find it, you can. But the suppliers are few and they are in constant demand. Before it reaches your turn, you might want to be your own boss and provide orgasms for yourself.

9. Tape measure.

Many will lie about their height. You better carry your own tape rule to measure so you can confirm for yourself.

10. Scissors.

A lot of people in the Lagos dating scene are still attached to their ex, their crush that will NEVER date them, their mother, etc. If you want to date them meaningfully, you need to first cut this attachment off. I suggest you soak that scissors in anointing oil first.

11. Big stone or something heavy.

This one is for when you finally find the love of your life after a long period of searching and meeting unfortunate people who turned your heart to toy. Ask the love of your life to kneel down, raise up their hands and close their eys. Then place the stone on it. Next time, they will arrive on time instead of letting you suffer.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 3, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Inside life, lagos dating scene