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Interview With White Amala and Black Amala: “Hating Amala Is A Character Flaw”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How does it feel to be constantly dragged by the people you nourish? Black Amala and White Amala (Lafun) have experienced this firsthand. Today on Interview With, we sit with them to hear how they feel about it, and in response, they reply all their haters.

Zikoko: Hello besties! It’s nice to have you here.

White Amala: You and who is bestie?

Black Amala: LMAO I hate the audacity of Nigerians. They’ll chat shit about you behind your back, and when they see you, they’ll try famzing. Talo ni bestie werey?

Um, could you please translate that Yoruba? Some of our readers don’t understand Yoruba and some of them live abroad.

Black Amala: Oh, they don’t understand Yoruba but they understand how to drag innocent swallows like me, abi?

White Amala: Anyway, talo ni bestie werey means who is the bestie of an unwell person, or something like that?

Oh wow.

Black Amala: I should not have come here at all. In fact, when my agent received your email saying that Zikoko humbly requested my presence, I hissed and went back to play with gbegiri and ewedu. If not for White Amala that kept pestering me, I would not have answered you.

White Amala: What is this rubbish you are saying? Which White Amala pestered you? Was I not on my own?

Black Amala: Ah, Lafun. Why are you lying like this? Did you not enter okada to my house to beg me that we should go, that this interview would be good for your public image because many people don’t know you?Why are you changing story now that we’re in their office?

White Amala: Amala Dudu, please come off it. Who said they don’t know me? Yes, you might be the face of the family, but I am white and you are black. In the long run, I will still be preferred to you.

Ah, ah, ah, is that colourism I detect in your tone? We don’t do that here.

White Amala: You can detect colourism, but Itohan Esekheigbe is still working with you people after she dragged Amala. Make it make sense.

No, Itohan is—

Black Amala: Allowed to go about her daily life after insulting us, isn’t it? And don’t even try to defend her. Let me read out what she said:

People who have Amala as their favourite food act like die-hard music stans. At least the music stans can say they admire a real person. These people are ready to go to war over swallow????? They are not just lovers of it, they are a legion. If Amala is your favourite swallow, you need to rethink your life choices. What are you doing wrong? Who did you offend? Are your village people working overtime again?

What Your Favourite Swallow Says About You

Again, I apologise. Can we start afresh please?

White Amala: Start.

Black Amala: [Looks away]

Alright. Welcome to Interview With. Zikoko is pleased to have you. Today, we would like for you to address some things people have said about you.

Black Amala: [Mumbles] It’s not enough that people are saying things about me, I must also get up here to defend myself. Okay oh. Amala Keating.

White Amala: Amala Dudu, must everything be about you? After all, people say things about me too. This is a chance to set things right, why are you bent on ruining everything with a fight?

Black Amala: Lafun, let me tell you something you don’t know today. When people talk about Amala, I can assure you that they don’t have you in mind. I am the face of the Amala community. Me, gbegiri, ewedu, and soup. And I think we get more hate because of my skin colour. You Nigerians are colourist. If you were the face of the Amala community, the hate would be lesser. I mean, look at pounded yam. He goes out with his wife Efo Riro, and everyone is dying over them. We are made from the same tuber of yam, and I know for sure that I taste better than him, but-

Cap.

Black Amala: What did you say?

I said Capernaum. That’s where Zikoko wants to open a new branch.

Black Amala: Oh.

White Amala: First of all, I would like to begin by saying that my name is Lafun. I am made of cassava flour, unlike Black Amala that is made of yam. But people have called me White Amala because they recognise that I am your sibling, in taste and consistency. And that is why I disagree with what you said about you receiving hatred from people. Listen, my name is mentioned to people and the first thing they say is, “White Amala should not exist.” At least they want you to exist, they just don’t want to eat you. But me, they want me to be wiped out of existence. Is there any injustice and hatred that is greater than this? [White Amala breaks down in tears]

This is supposed to be a fun interview. Why are you making it emotional?

Black Amala: There’s nothing funny about being insulted by the people you are meant to nourish.

White Amala: Nothing at all.

Okay, but what do you suggest we do?

Black Amala: Start by querying Itohan Esekheigbe for that article of hers. Amala, ewedu, gbegiri and soup is not a combination you should slander. At this point, hating Amala is a character flaw.

White Amala: Maybe when you do that, we can return to your office for a proper interview.

No, wait. We are—

[Black Amala and White Amala walk out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 3, 2021

Interview With…

black amala, Humour, interview with, white amala
10 Types Of Guys You’ll Find On Dating Apps

Using dating apps is a total gamble and a humbling experience. If you ever plan on downloading a dating app, here are 8 types of men you will find there. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. The one that is serious about marriage

This man is there for one reason only: to find a wife. His bio tells you immediately — Richard 34, Christian, doesn’t drink or smoke, is conservative (in Nigeria?), wants kids, works at a good job, followed by three pictures of him in the same outfit and one either at his office, with his mum or his nephews. Of all the types of guys you’d find on dating apps, he is surprisingly the least annoying.

2. The one that is there for good vibes

This guy is not there for anything serious, he goes straight to the point and tells you that he wants to hook up soon. if it’s a no, he immediately blocks you, no time to waste time and you should be happy because he is definitely a creative. Honestly, everyone should aspire to perspire to be as honest as he is. He is here for a good time, not a long time and that itself is a fine art to master.

3. The one that thinks he is on 2go

His name is something silly like Mr Pwesh23. He kills every conversation you try to have with him with his one-worded replies and answers simple questions in the most stupid ways for someone that has “If you are boring, swipe left” in his bio. If you see this guy and you will, do yourself a favour and avoid him because next thing you know, he’d want to hook up.

4. The one that tells you nothing about himself

Yes boo, give us nothing. You’d be lucky if he has pictures of himself at all, and when he does, it won’t be clear. As for his bio? It’ll be empty. You’d find yourself wondering if he created a profile by mistake, he almost makes the 2go guy look good.

5. The travel agent

You can’t tell if this guy is doing yahoo or if he’s just rich and likes travelling a lot. He has the flags of every single country he has ever visited in his bio, and he’s always looking to meet people in whatever new city he finds himself in. In his bio, he lets you know that what he wants in a partner is someone willing to travel the world with him.

6. The one that got away

There’s no better way to describe this guy, his bio is unproblematic, he is gorgeous and has values and ideals that match with yours but your brain and fingers have other plans and now you swiped left and you might never see him again, pele.

7. The sugar daddy

He immediately lets you know that he wants to take care of you and spoil you, he also talks about how much he likes sex so that you know that he isn’t looking for a second wife. Unlike the one that is looking for marriage, he doesn’t add pictures of his wife and kids, and whatever age he puts in his bio, you should add 10 to it.

8. The one that is on a dating app looking for friends

The worst thing about meeting shitty guys on dating apps are these types of guys. He genuinely isn’t looking for a relationship at all but the problem is, he is one of the very few decent ones on the app, at least you found a friend so maybe that’s something.

9. The fitness instructor

It can only go two ways with this guy, he either has pictures of his abs everywhere or enough fitness motivational quotes in his bio to rival a yahoo boy. This guy only has pictures of himself at the gym and works at self-employed. If you are lucky, there will be a shirtless mirror selfie for you to look at.

10. The yahoo boy

These guys win the championship cup as the worst types of guys on dating apps, mostly because they are there to catfish. Sure there’s a white guy called Greg Chapman that finished from Harvard but is living in Oshodi or Becca who is a flight attendant that lives in Shomolu. One point for the ridiculous lies sha. E for effort.

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

September 2, 2021

Inside Life

Dating apps, Dating struggles, Funny, Humour, Inside life
9 Reasons Why Every Nigerian Woman Must Have A Male Bestie

Bestfriends (or Besties) are important, especially if you are a Nigerian woman with a boyfriend. Let us tell you the truth: you boyfriend might be capable, but there will always be some things he cannot do for you. When this gap opens, it becomes important for you to have a male bestie who will fill in that gap.

Without further ado, here are nine very important reasons why every Nigerian woman must have a male bestie.

1. To share hoe stories that your boyfriend is too fragile to hear.

Your boyfriend will probably not be able to stomach certain stories of you, even if they are from your past. So, who do you tell it to? Your male bestie. He will listen without judging you, and he will even give you tips on how to hide things better.

2. To help you zip up your dress.

This is essential. Yes, you have a boyfriend, but will he always be available to handle some small tasks like this? The answer is no. And that’s where your male bestie comes in. It’s just to pull up a zipper, nothing serious.

3. To give you a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend is moving mad.

Your boyfriend is hurting you and you need to vent and cry. Will you also go to your boyfriend to do that? You need a male bestie! Because he is a guy, he will help you see things from the male point of view. A female bestie is good, but what if she decides to go behind you and eat your boyfriend’s work? Men are cheap oh.

4. To help you practice sexual positions so you can be experienced enough for your boyfriend.

Men love experience. Nigerian men especially. So, if you happen to have very little experience, you need a male bestie who has more experience and is willing to show you the ropes. Don’t worry, you people don’t have to go naked. Is it not just to show each other sexual positions?

5. To help you practice kissing techniques too, so you can know if you are the poor kisser or your boyfriend.

This is important. You might end up breaking up with your boyfriend, but you don’t want him to go about saying that you are a poor kisser. You better get a male bestie to help you practice really hard. And we mean really hard.

6. To act as the mannequin head so you can test how your wig will look when you part it to the centre instead of the side.

Let’s be honest, if you ask your boyfriend to bring his head so you can use him for wig testing, will he agree? Someone that toxic masculinity is about to finish. You better get yourself a male bestie who will agree.

7. To pray with you on days when the weather is cold so you do not fall into temptation.

Imagine it rains while your boyfriend is stuck at work and your body is doing gish-gish. The devil is a respecter of no woman, shebi you know? That’s why you need a male bestie who lives close by and who can lay ~~pipe~~ hands on you.

8. To take you out, in case your boyfriend does not like wakawaka.

You, an extrovert dating a homebody. It won’t work nau. Just find a male bestie who will go to clubs and every other place with you. There’s nothing to worry about, after all, you will still return home to your boyfriend.

9. To partake in your threesome, so that you don’t have to invite a stranger.

Let’s assume your boyfriend finally decided to have a threesome. Do you want him to go and bring an outsider? The answer is no. This is one of the reasons why your male bestie exists. Just bring him as the third person. Better to ride the joystick of a friend than to feel the lollipop of a stranger, or whatever did Aristotle say.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 1, 2021

Inside Life

bestie, Humour, male bestie, Nigerian women, Sarcasm
18 Motivational Quotes That Are Lowkey “Yahoo Boy” Quotes

Shakespeare might think he’s creative with words, but has he met Nigerian Yahoo Boys? Shakespeare himself would have begged them to teach him how they use words. You don’t believe us? Here are 18 carefully selected Yahoo Boy quotes. The aim is to motivate you, but if you are not a Yahoo Boy, we doubt if you’ll get any motivation. But read first. You never know what might happen.

1. “When I dey hustle for glory, you been dey toast glory.”

2. “Traffic wey dey vex driver na im dey give gala seller joy, no dey whine grace.”

3. “No throway your garri say your neighbour dey cook rice. Him gas fit finish.”

4. “Who give up fuck up.”

5. “Situations be small but principles be heavy.”

6. “You dey use envy look am, na why e be like show off.”

7. “I just wanna make mama proud.”

8. “If you want yeye for this life, depend on person.”

9. “Many juju dey but na Baba God dey run our own.”

10. “Rain wey beat us today go wash our Benz tomorrow. Aje!”

11. “Give your guys update, one person no dey do convoy.”

12. “Battery wey full go still low, battery wey low go still full. Our prayer be say make charger no spoil.”

13. “Hot water wey dey make egg strong dey make yam soft. Be humble.”

14. “They only see the champagne, they can’t see the champ’s pain.”

15. “Trust the process. Even traffic light go red before green go show.”

16. “Who soak garri for morning fit chop jollof rice for night. Everything na grace.”

17. “E no sure for anybody, na grace.”

18. “Person wey no open door for us, we go still come back buy the whole building. Aje.”

Read next:

14 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Met A Yahoo Boy

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 21, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, motivational quotes, yahoo boy
Interview With Breasts and Bum Bum

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.

Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.

Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.

Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?

Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.

Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?

Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.

Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.

Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.

Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.

Would you like some—

Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.

Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.

Breasts: About what?

Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.

What discomfort is that?

Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.

Breasts: Okay, and so?

Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.

Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.

Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.

Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.

Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.

Do am if e easy.

That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.

Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.

Bum Bum: Amen oh.

Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…

Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—

Can we pick something else to discuss?

Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin.

Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.

That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.

Breasts: Please keep your apologies.

Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?

Breasts: Do you even—

I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.

Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?

Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.

Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?

Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it.

Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.

Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?

Breasts: Hian.

Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.

Breasts: Yes, we are listening.

Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—

[Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]

Bum Bum: I knew it!

Breasts: You people are so predictable.

Does this mean you will answer the question?

Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.

Bum Bum: Preach sis!

Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.

Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?

No, women also—

Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?

Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.

Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.

Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.

Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.

I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.

Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?

Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me?

Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.

Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.

Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.

Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?

Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?

Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.

Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?

Breasts: Okay, mention them.

Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—

Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.

I guess we have our winner.

Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention.

Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.

Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!

Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.

Bum Bum: So, you are—

Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.

[Breasts walk out]

Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?

Bum Bum: [Lost in thought]

Bum Bum?

Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?

In fact, a man denied his mother because of me.

Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?

Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?

Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass.

Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.

Bum Bum: God will punish you.

You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?

Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!

[Bumbum walks out angrily]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 20, 2021

Interview With…

Body, Breasts, bum bum, funny interview, Humour
8 Reasons Why The Nigerian Government Must Ban Legwork

The Nigerian government has banned okada, keke maruwa, cryptocurrency and Twitter — everything except the actual thing they should ban: LEGWORK. Before you say anything, hear us out. We have weighed the pros and cons of the legwork dance and in this article, we present to you eight solid reasons why the Nigerian government should actually ban legwork.

1. First of all, it is a death sentence to 30+ people.

Legwork is a dance of Gen Z and people with excess energy to waste. 30+ ought to avoid this dance, but they don’t want to be left out and so they attempt it, only to end up with serious back pain or at an orthopaedic hospital, trying to correct broken bones. 30+ people make up a large part of the Nigerian population. Dear President Buhari, is it until your people kill themselves over legwork before you ban it?

2. It turns respectable citizens into hoodlums.

You go to a party and everywhere is calm and peaceful. The moment the DJ plays Aborintayin or Watimagbo, the whole event hall will scatter and you will see people becoming what you never imagined they would be. Even if Dangote hears Aborintayin, we are sure he will also become something else. We cannot risk this happening.

3. It is the last bus-stop before you graduate into full-blown madness.

Have you seen the face people make when they do legwork? The wide open mouth, the expression of agony, the tongue that dangles from the side of their mouth. If such person is left to do the legwork for one hour uninterrupted, this is how they will end up:

4. It is the reason why many Nigerian youths don’t want to go into farming.

Nigerian youths are not lazy, they just choose to invest their energy on something else. Sadly, that ‘something else’ is legwork. If the government wants to trap them, let Buhari just declare that there will be an empowerment scheme where youths will be empowered with legwork. The registration website will crash in less than thirty minutes because of the amount of people rushing to sign up. If things continue like this, we will have a generation that is only interested in legwork. Ban this dance now.

5. It damages the surface of the earth and could lead to earthquake allowed to continues.

According to a study I made up on my own, legwork is the reason for the earthquakes the world has suffered in recent times. Nigeria may have escaped these earthquakes, but if we continue allowing people to stomp on the ground all in the name of legwork, then we are on the verge of our own destruction.

6. It is ableist.

In Killing Dem, Zlatan opened the mouth God gave him and said, “You are not Ayefele, so what’s your excuse [for not doing legwork]?” Imagine. Ayefele did not speak, but we have taken up his case and we will pursue this matter until the Nigerian government bans legwork.

7. Everyday, there are new variants of it.

People are yet to understand the basic one, and they are already complicating it by bringing out new versions that are even more complicated and difficult. This is a clear sign that they want to confine legwork to a specific group of people. For this reason, we move the motion for a ban.

8. And if the government refuses to consider these reasons, please ban it because of Liquorose.

Even if the DJ plays a song by Celine Dion, BBNaija Season 6 housemate Liqourose must do legwork. Dear Mr. President sir, if you won’t ban BBNaija because of all that we have said, please ban it so Liquorose can rest and we can all have collective peace.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 14, 2021

Inside Life

dancing, Humour, legwork, liquorose, Sarcasm
Interview With Dunlop Slippers: “You People Don’t Appreciate Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How do you treat your Dunlop Slippers? Do you accord it respect or do you only remember it when it’s time to wear it to the bathroom, the market or to walk in the rain?

If your answer to any of this is yes, Dunlop Slippers has had enough of your rubbish. Today on Interview With, the underappreciated and overworked footwear shares its grievances with Zikoko.

*Dunlop Slippers flies into the room and everyone dodges*

Zikoko: Ahan. Zikoko writers, are you afraid the slippers will land on your back?

Dunlop Slippers: [Lets out an evil laugh] At the sight of me, everybody must adjust, and every back shall confess that Dunlop Slippers carries power.

Is that why you entered our office like Hurricane Katrina? Please let us know when you are ready oh.

[Dunlop Slippers finally settles into the Interview Couch] Good morning, interviewer.

Same to you, Dunlop Slippers. Are you good?

No. Do I look good to you?

There is no need to be aggressive. I’m just making small talk.

You started the aggression, please. Why will I greet you good morning and you will reply “same to you”? I don’t know what you are going through, but I am not the cause of your misfortune.

I shall not experience misfortune in the mighty name of Jesus. Are you sick?

You are the one interviewing a pair of Dunlop Slippers. I believe it should be obvious to you by now, who the sick one is among us.

Oho, so this is how I am being repaid for my niceness? Nice one.

Which niceness? After everything I go through in the hands of your species, you open your mouth to say you are nice? Please, the day is still young, interviewer. Don’t get me angry.

Me I don’t understand the reason for this aggressive behaviour sha. And what have you gone through in the hands of my… species?

What have I not gone through? Nigerian mothers throw me at their kids when they misbehave, secondary school students use me to beat their juniors, all of you wear me during the rainy season when you know that I don’t have a very strong grip. You relegate me into the bathroom permanently and change my name to bathroom slippers. Even when I give up work and cut, some of you will still sew me and continue to wear me. You won’t let me rest, you still won’t let me die. What exactly is the problem? And now you sit there asking me why I am aggressive. Why won’t I be aggressive? Don’t ask me why I am aggressive. Ask Nigerians why they are wicked.

All right… I am sensing that you feel unappreciated. Is that correct?

[Looks around the Zikoko office]

What are you looking for?

Your psychology degree. Because this one you have suddenly become a therapist, I don’t understand it.

But yes, I don’t feel appreciated enough. Just yesterday I came through for an aunty that wore high heels to the beach. She wore me at that beach and was very happy.I won’t even lie, I was not happy with the way she kept using me to walk over hot sand. But did I complain? No. Even when she went close to the water and the waves almost removed me from her leg, I held on for dear life and kept my mouth shut, all in a bid to make her happy and give her the comfort she wants. And guess what she did once we left the beach?

Tell me.

Dustbin. She dumped me in the dustbin

Oh, I’m sor—

Why are you interrupting me? Let me talk. What is wrong with your species?

I’m not one of them.

Your species even have a name for me: bathroom slippers. Like you are ashamed to be seen in public with me. Before all those crocs and slides and palm slippers came, I saved your lives. You people deserve everything my colleagues have been doing to you.

Colleagues? Is there an association of Dunlop Slippers that I don’t know about?

Ogbeni, you are even wearing crocs right now. I am the oga of the footwear association. I put the holes in crocs, I’m the reason your slides expand, the reason the soles of Birkenstocks break fast, the reason everything is expensive.

Sorry oh, inflation.

I am the reason tyres are no longer durable. And if you people don’t rethink how you treat me and my people, we will make sure there are no more latex left to make condoms.

Okay, you are scaring me. Please calm down.

Oh, so you can ask me to calm down now, abi? You people don’t appreciate anything until it dies, then you’ll go on Twitter and be tweeting remember when. Your followers too will join you with their retweets and false sympathy, and you all will think you are good people.

Ahan, all this rant because of what?

Because I have been quiet for too long thinking you will change your ways, but nothing seems to be changing!

Sorry dear, we will wear bathroom slippers outside.

You and who is bathroom slippers? My name is Dunlop. Dunlop Slippers. Is that too hard for you to pronounce?

I even tried to be fancy. I stopped being multi-coloured, I added ribbons and beads and cowries to myself, but you people refused to give me the special treatment you give to your fancy shoes. But no. I was not enough for you. You simply decided I was fit for dirty markets and loud supermarkets. And me too, I decided to show you how much value I have. If you will not appreciate me, then I will not let you enjoy me. That is why I always go missing. You must have noticed it, haven’t you?

You wear me for a while and then one day, one leg is missing.

Ah…

Yes nau, man dem wicked but me wickeda than them. You people don’t know that I am well-travelled. I have been to every country, and Nigerians abroad respect me more.

We are sorry. We will do better.

If you like, don’t do better. I will keep on disappearing.

Hmm, maybe this is why they don’t like wearing you…

Say it with your chest, which one is “they”? You mean you. You think I don’t know your own story? I know all of you. Do you know how many times I have saved your life when a nail was trying to injure you? I let it in and it doesn’t harm you, you don’t even find it until two years later.

Why did you let the nail enter in the first place?

To show that I have power.

What?

Ehen? What about it?

Nothing. We appreciate all you do for us.

That one is your business. I need to go now. My current oga wants to go to work but doesn’t want to wear his suede shoes in the rain. Come and show me that your psychology degree fast fast before I leave.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

[donation]

Malakai Bassey

August 13, 2021

Interview With…

dunlop slippers, Humour, interview with, Laughter
8 Exciting Ways To Ask Someone To Marry You

Kneeling on the floor at a restaurant with a ring in your hand is so 1990s and booooring. There are more exciting ways to ask a woman to marry you and it’ll guarantee you a loud “yes!” Read on to see other ways you ask someone to marry you.

1. Toss the ring at them and shout “catch”.

By catching it, it means they’ve accepted your offer.

2. Show up at her family house with engagements like rice, yam and goats.

Try and make sure the goat does not eat the yam on your way there. If she refuses and chases you away, try and make sure the goat does not eat the yam on the way back, so that you can collect a refund.

3. Ask your best friend to hang around when you’re proposing.

4. If she says no, you can have your director shout “CUT!” so you can pretend it was a movie. You can even pretend the tears in your eyes are fake.

5. Write a dissertation listing the reasons why they should marry you.

What is worth doing is worth doing well. Write that thesis. If they say no, they have to write her own counter-thesis explaining all the reasons why. Call it your bachelor thesis.

6. Put it inside her pasta.

You know how Nigerian women love their pasta. You’re sure she’s going to finish it so she’ll definitely see it.

7. Hold a gun to her head.

Nobody says no at gunpoint.

8. Release your dog.

When they say yes, you can chain the dog back. If this backfires, don’t blame us oh.

[donation]

Olufemi Fadahunsi

August 9, 2021

Man Dem

Humour, Sarcasm
Interview With Urgent 2k: “I Work Hand in Hand With Sapa”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Urgent 2k is a valid Nigerian currency. It is more than an emergency fund; it is a lifesaver, a life jacket when you are drowning. In fact, this currency has been recognised to be the cause of several relationship break-ups and a number of fallouts.

Today on Interview With, we asked Urgent 2k about its meteoric rise to fame, how it deals with problems, and how it has managed to stay successful, in spite of the other denominations of money available in Nigeria.

Zikoko: Hello. It’s so wonderful to have you here.

Urgent 2k: The pleasure is all mine. I have never imagined that I would one day be interviewed by the good people of Zikoko.

Oh really?

Yes oh. I usually hear stories about the other people you interview and I just allow myself to dream. I am just an ordinary “urgent 2k”, I didn’t think you would even be interested in me. So, when I got the invitation to come into your office, I could not believe it.

You need to give yourself more credit, please. You are not ordinary.

I know. But these days, many people don’t consider you rich enough if you only have 2k in your account. Rihanna just became a billionaire. Do you think she would make the news if she had only 2k in her account?

That’s a different case.

True, sha.

Can you tell us about your journey to fame?

My dear, when it is your time, it is your time oh. I might not be famous in other countries, and that’s why I keep my mouth shut when the argument goes international. But in Nigeria, I know the power I hold. Sometimes, I am even greater than 10k sent at the wrong time.

Ahan, slow down please. Pride goes before a fall.

It’s not pride if it’s facts. Urgent 2k a day keeps sapa away. 10k can make you happy, but is it not better to be receiving regular urgent 2k than to receive 10k once a month and not see anything until the next month?

Fair point.

Do you think it’s easy to have “urgent” as my title? There are many 2ks in the world, but being “urgent” is what makes me different. You can have 2k on top of your salary, 2k as part of your bill at a restaurant, but have you ever been stranded with zero naira in your account and someone sends you Urgent 2k?

Hmm…

That’s what I’m talking about! I am small but mighty. I have become so important that people call my name when they refer to larger amounts of money. Someone who works at KPMG will wake up and say they are going to work so they can make urgent 2k.

Please leave KPMG men out of this.

It’s true sha. Before they start posting their payslips online to prove that they earn more than 2k. Anyway, that’s their own wahala. In this Nigeria that we live in, every salary is an urgent 2k.

You are in high demand… Are you happy about this?

I like the way I’m feeling now. Nobody should come and use their reggae to spoil my blues and rhythm now. I have learnt how to be satisfied, but that is something I make sure others don’t have. I am like sugar; once you taste urgent 2k once, there is no going back.

Is that why you are destroying relationships?

Excuse me?

Many people have broken up today because of urgent 2k…

Or you mean to say that many Nigerian men use me as an excuse to break up with their girlfriend? I have heard what Nigerian men are up to in these streets and I tell you, I am disgusted. You will see a man come online to say that, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, break up with her.” Or, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, you too ask her for urgent sex.”

Please and please, Femi, are you not also receiving urgent 2k from people? Did they ask you to surrender penis before sending me to your account? Why are you people inconsiderate like this? You think urgent 2k is enough to boast on? Okay oh, keep going. Sapa will humble you.

You have mentioned Sapa twice in this interview. Should we interview Sapa too?

Yes oh. Sapa is my colleague and we work together. I can give you his phone number if you want. Can I tell you a secret?

Yes.

Sometimes, if I see someone misbehaving, perhaps the person is bragging online or showing off that they will never need urgent 2k in their life, I send Sapa to attack them. By the time Sapa has dealt with them seriously, I will now step in. I don’t know if it has ever happened to you, but receiving urgent 2k after Sapa has choked you is worthy of a testimony.

This is the story of almost every Nigerian.

Ah, maybe the government should create a holiday in my name? National Urgent 2k Day. That day, everybody receives urgent 2k and the world is happy.

We might have to make it N2,100.

Why?

POS charges.

Wahala everywhere.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Naira Notes: “Everything Is Packaging”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 6, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Humour, KPMG, Sarcasm, urgent 2k
16 Signs You’re Not The Bad Bitch You Think You Are

There are too many people on these streets claiming to be what they are not. At least five people out of six claim to be a bad bitch, even when they do not have the range or ability for it.

Anyway, we have decided to put you all in your place. If these signs manifest in your life, then it means you are not the bad bitch you actually think you are.

1. You catch feelings quick.

Someone will text you everyday for two weeks and you have already caught feelings. Do you really think that’s an attribute of a bad bitch?

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

Your parents are housing you and you want to come out and claim bad bitch. Which money will you use to paint town red? Your pocket money?

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

Please just rest. Don’t drag anything, just quietly renounce the title of bad bitch and live a honest life.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

Even songs, you are crying. You think being bad bitch is about being Nkiru Sylvanus’ intern? Abeg comot for here.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

Even if they are distributing bad bitch forms for free, it will never reach you. Just focus on your studies, eh?

6. You are the second born.

You got leftover baby clothes from the first born. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t qualify.

7. You moan during sex.

Something you are supposed to chest and keep quiet. Ask the real bad bitches, they don’t even do pim.

8. You attend Covenant University.

Hmmm. It is well. Please dissociate yourself from being a bad bitch before your school authorities decide to abolish bad bitches worldwide.

9. You have a babyface.

Nature has already denied you access to the bad bitch circle. Please rest.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

Ah, please go and do change of name before you even think of calling yourself a bad bitch, abeg.

11. Your name is Blessing.

Sorry dear, even if you change your name, you still cannot be a bad bitch. Having Blessing as your name has forever robbed you of that chance.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

Instead of you to be learning how to do these things, you are trying to be a bad bitch. Do you even have your priorities aligned?

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

Smart parents. They already know you don’t have the potential for it.

14. You have less than five wigs.

More importantly, what will your life as a bad bitch look like?

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

At this point, just give up. If they call bad bitches and you answer eh, we will personally find you and cane you.

16. You eat semo.

Please get out of here, cultist.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 1, 2021

Inside Life

bad bitch, Humour, Jokes, Laughter, Sarcasm