Humour | Page 5 of 13

Interview With Small Yansh: “I Will Keep Shaking”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

If you’ve been anywhere around Nigerian Twitter, Instagram or TikTok, then you’re familiar with Small Yansh. After a viral video of hypeman EmmyBlaq saying “See Small Yansh dey shake oh!” went viral, Nigerians have adopted the anthem.
Seeing how Small Yansh has become the subject of fame, we decided to invite it to our office for an interview to tell us how life as a celebrity feels.

[Small Yansh shakes in]

Zikoko: Ewo, see Small Yansh dey shake oh!

[Small Yansh shakes faster]

Zikoko: E dey shake! E dey shake!

[Small Yansh shakes even faster]

Zikoko: Okay, okay. Oya stop. Let’s do the interview first and you can shake later.

[Small Yansh shakes to its seat]

Zikoko: Thank you so much for coming in today.

Small Yansh: Let’s be fast please. I have an interview with Vogue by 12.

Vogue? Anna Wintour’s Vogue?

Small Yansh: Yes oh. In fact, I would not even have answered you people. But my fame came from a Nigerian hypeman, and it won’t speak well if I carried all that fame to Vogue. After all, when I was nobody, just an ordinary Small Yansh roaming the streets, the people at Vogue did not know me.

Let’s talk about this your new-found fame.

Small Yansh: When God says it’s your time, it’s your time, that’s the only thing I can say. I mean, who would have thought that I’d one day be asked to suffocate someone? Me, Small Yansh? Ah.

Can you tell us how it happened?

Small Yansh: So, I was in the club that day, doing my own thing.

What is “your own thing”?

Small Yansh: I was just clenching together. When you are small, there is nothing else to do. Especially when I am covered in jeans. Jeans is an enemy of Small Yansh. Anytime they put me in jeans, I completely disappear. That is when I pass and people will call me bad names.

Please tell me some of these names…

Small Yansh: Ironing Board, Wall of Jericho, Pelebe, Smallie, Ten Naira Buns.

Wow.

Small Yansh: Sometimes, people even go further to compare me with other things. One day, someone said I looked like cardboard.

Ahan. As how?

Small Yansh: My brother, even me I was shocked. I didn’t know when tears started dropping from my eyes. What did I do to these people asides being small?

Ehya, sorry. But back to that night at the club… You said you were doing your thing?

Small Yansh: Yes, I was. Just moving sideways and shaking what mama gave me. And then from nowhere, this bright light fell on me. At first I froze, because I thought the hypeman wanted to insult me. Next thing I heard was, “See Small Yansh dey shake oh!”

Omo. I don’t know where that shaking ability came from. The way I started moving ehn!

Ahan, Tiger Generator.

Small Yansh: Yes oh. I had to show them that I better pass my neighbour. I was vibrating seriously. And then, the hypeman now finished me by saying, “Suffocate them with your bumbum!”

Only me with that level of power. Mr. Interviewer, I wan crase.

Wow. But do you have plans to suffocate them though? Also, who are the “them”?

Small Yansh: The “them” are my haters and people who thought I would never reach this position of influence. It’s not that I have any plans to suffocate anybody, sha. But to be given that level of power is intoxicating. Now, I can walk the streets and people will think, “This thing is small but mighty. It has the power to suffocate me if I misbehave.”

But is all that shaking not stressful? Do you have time to rest?

Small Yansh: It is stressful oh, let me not lie. With great power comes great responsibility, but I am learning to manage it. Now, I have hired an agent to take phone calls for me. I have also learnt not to appear anywhere I will be disrespected.

Interesting. When you stepped into the club that night, did you foresee that this would happen?

Small Yansh: For where? I said I just went there to chill. I even stay away from places like that because I know that someone will surely ask what I went there to do. But that hypeman was my guardian angel. He called my name and everything changed.

Thank you so much for honouring us, Small Yansh. Should we expect anything from you in the future?

Small Yansh: I cannot promise anything at this time, but one thing I know for sure is that you’ll be seeing me around a lot. I am aware that Asaba Nollywood is currently producing a movie titled Small Yansh Dey Shake.

Wow. So quick? Do giveaway, abeg.

Small Yansh: Me, I’m not even hyped. What I’m waiting for is Netflix. I want a documentary from them.

And what would the title of this documentary be?

Small Yansh: Small Yansh, Big God: Shaking My Way Into The Spotlight.

Ambitious!

Small Yansh: That’s me!

So, do you—

[Small Yansh checks time]

Small Yansh: Oops, I have to leave now. They are already calling me at Vogue.

[Small Yansh shakes out]

Zikoko, screaming: E dey shake oh.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With Water: “I Have Enemies”

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Kunle Ologunro

September 24, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

DJ Kaywise, EmmyBlaq, Humour, interview with small yansh, See Small Yansh Dey Shake oh, Small Yansh
9 Ways To Know When A Games Night Is About To Become An Orgy

In Lagos (or every other part of Nigeria), games night is secret code for “orgy.” Nobody will tell you this, of course. They expect you to know that the game to be played is someone else’s genitals. To prevent yourself from entering such situations, here are 9 clear ways to know when a games night is about to become an orgy.

Read with your eyes wide open. Don’t say Zikoko did not warn you.

1. If they start with alcohol and not opening prayers.

This is a clear sign that before the clock strikes 12 in the midnight, something will be entering something else, and we are not talking about alcohol entering your body. We are talking about body parts entering body parts, genital meet and greet.

2. If they start with opening prayers and not alcohol.

Listen, don’t let them fool you with prayers. Any one who organises a games night in this country has an agenda. Either they want to sleep with one person and they need the games night as a cover. Basically, games night is a sex vigil, so when they start with opening prayer, they are asking for guidance on how to lead their rods through still waters. Be guided.

3. If they have sex cards as part of the games.

Sex cards? You already know na. The sex cards might be very mild. But this is Nigeria where everybody is horny. Trust me, they will heat up the instructions on those cards. Next thing, you will be acting out live porn, all in the name of a games night.

4. If they decide to play “Concentration.”

Forget it. They want to concentrate on you, nothing else. So when they start asking you to name condom brands as part of the Concentration game, let that be a warning sign for you.

5. If they ask you to take off an item of clothing for every game you lose.

Because you couldn’t mention an African country, they are asking you to remove your shirt. Be too slow in mentioning a Nigerian university and your trouser is coming off too. ~~Na from nakedness, orgy dey start~~ Na from clap dance dey start.

6. If they include truth or dare in the mix.

Truth or Dare in a Nigerian games night, and you think it won’t end in a genital contribution? Why do we like to deceive ourselves in this country? We even interviewed Truth or Dare and it confessed to us. Read the interview here:

Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why Are Nigerian Men So Horny?”

7. If they ask you to choose “truth.”

The only truth they want to know is the length and breadth of your secret place. They want to know how to categorise you when the genital meet and greet begins. They won’t ever ask you to talk about something that makes you happy to be alive.

8. If they ask you to choose “dare.”

They won’t ask you to choose sef. Anything you choose, they will twist it to suit their agenda. If you choose dare, best believe they will ask you to use your teeth to unbutton someone’s shirt or use your tongue to do zigizaga on someone’s weewee. Don’t ask me what zigizaga is, please. I was also informed.

9. When they start sharing condoms.

At this point, just get up and leave. Because the level of fornication that is about to happen in that house ehn, hmm. Let’s hope your genitals survive to tell the story the next day.

9 Games Night Ideas You Need To Try Out ASAP

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Kunle Ologunro

September 18, 2021

Inside Life

games night, games night in Lagos, Humour, orgy
Interview With Water: “I Have Enemies”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Water works harder than the average Nigerian civil servant. We drink water, bathe with it, cook with it, and use it for a quite a number of things. After all, it is a free gift of nature. But does Water get the respect it deserves for this hard work?

Today on Interview With, we decided to speak with Water about its job, and more importantly, to ask if it has enemies. This is an exclusive interview.

[Water flows in]

Zikoko: Hello, Water! Welcome to Zikoko.

[Water keeps flowing in]

We’re so pleased to have you and we—

[Water keeps flowing in]

Um, could you like, maybe stop flowing in? This is Surulere and—

[Water pauses]

Water: Oh, this is not Lekki?

No, not at all.

Water: Oopsie.

It’s fine. We’ll mop the floor when you leave.

[Water stops flowing in]

Water: Thank you for having me.

Can I start by asking what Lekki residents did to you?

Water: At this point, they should have gotten used to me. I mean, every time it rains, I visit them. And the reason is simple — that place was originally my territory, but because they wanted “a nice view”, they came and started building on my head. I’m just reminding them that I’ve not forgotten them.

But Afrobeats legend Fela Anikulapo-Kuti has a song titled “Water E No Get Enemy.” Isn’t this a fact?

Water: First of all, forget that thing Fela said. Me, I have enemies. Fela was a human being so he didn’t even know what life has been like for me. But he told you people that I don’t have enemies and you believed him? It’s the audacity for me. He didn’t even come to ask me if I had enemies. The way I would have opened my register to start listing their names ehn.

Wait, what? You have a register?

Water: If you go through the kind of things I go through, no one will tell you before you start keeping a register of enemies.

It’s almost as if you people heard that water is a free gift of nature and decided that I must run all your errands and do all your dirty work for you.

Hmm. Let’s talk about skincare. People drink you for clear skin, but instead of giving them that clear skin, they spend valuable time urinating. Is this something you are proud of?

Water: You people are funny sha. Your mates that are spending money on skincare products to get clear skin, they don’t know what they are doing, abi? So you just drink me and you expect your skin to clear up. Why don’t you stop eating groundnuts first before you come and talk to me. Please ask something else before I boil here.

Still on the matter of drinking you. These days, many people no longer drink water as much as they should. How do you feel about that?

Water: How do I feel about having less work to do? Please, please, I am satisfied. Anybody that does not drink me, that is their own problem. You think I care? But tell me, what are they drinking instead?

Erm, alcohol…

Water: I beg your pardon?

It’s true oh. In fact, some of them are advocating for water to be mixed with small alcohol. They said you are tasteless.

Water: It is you that is tasteless, Mr. Interviewer. It is you that will not have taste. You better not provoke me to anger, otherwise I will flood this place.

Ah, please oh. It’s not me that said it. I am just repeating some of the things that people have said.

Water: Then be sensible about it.

Alright, I’m sorry. Let me rephrase the question. What is your relationship with alcohol?

Water: First of all, alcohol is a dirty animal that is living a fake life. And for those people drinking alcohol, that thing they are looking for, may they find it.

You mean intoxication? They said you cannot give them that.

[Water bubbles seriously]

Water: Let this be the last time.

Yes, it will.

Water: I don’t have any problem with alcohol. We do our things separately, and we are not in competition with each other. That’s all I have to say on this matter.

So you mean you don’t feel somehow when you are both at parties and people pick alcohol over you?

Water: Why should I? Besides drinking, I do other things that alcohol can never dream of. They use me to prepare the party food, when they want to make alcohol cold, they turn me into ice block and dip the alcohol inside. In fact, if you don’t want to have a nasty hangover the next day, it’s still me you need to drink, so what’s the fuss about?

Let me ask you a question.

Water: Go ahead.

Do you think you have an identity crisis?

Water: Ahan, from where to where?

I am just asking because you exist in so many forms. Sparkling water, bubbly water, distilled water, etc. Who are you trying to impress?

Water: This interview is starting to get out of hand.

Okay then, let’s go back to your register of enemies. Whose name is at the top?

Water: That’s better. First on the list are Nigerian babies.

Not Lekki residents?

Water: No, those ones are the third.

Ahan. Who is now the second?

Water: Those who use spit as lubricant.

Hei. This is a lot. Let’s start unpacking it. First of all, what did Nigerian babies do to you?

Water: Have you been used to wash a baby’s bum-bum before?

Erm, no. I use water to do the washing.

Water: God, my life is so hard. I used to think being used to brush people’s teeth was the worst. You know, morning breath, mouth odour, and all of that. But have you ever smelled a baby’s poop before? Let alone now been the element used to clean that poop. Don’t even get me started on adult shit.

Yes, that’s a territory I don’t think we should explore. Have you considered therapy?

Water: Therapy that I went that my therapist tried to drink me? Please please. You humans are very despicable.

Ehya. Your condition is critical. So, what about those who use spit as lubricant?

Water: My brother. If it’s not that I am water, I think I would be needing water to wash my eyes. Because the kinds of things I encounter on a daily basis, ehn. It’s enough to make me want to flood this earth without God’s permission. Why would you decide to use saliva as lubricant? You are about to pound each other like yam and the next thing I see is that I am being dragged out of my comfort zone and applied on the palm. In the blink of an eye, they have rubbed me over someone’s vag—

Eh, I think that’s enough visual imagery for today. Besides, isn’t saliva different from water?

Water: Saliva is 99% water and 1% protein and salts. So what are you telling me?

But what about those who sell you for ridiculous amounts?

Water: It will touch everybody. Just wait and see.

Does this mean you will leave Lekki residents alone?

Water: Why are you so concerned about them? Do you live in Lekki?

Not yet. I am thinking of moving there. I just need my hook-up business to pay.

Water: Don’t you work at Zikoko?

Yes, I do. Hook-up is my side hustle. 2k per night.

Water: 2k per night… Hmm. Wait, first. If you charge 2k per night, that means you are one of those who use spit as lubricant. You have met your waterloo today.

No oh, I use groundnu—

[Water drowns Zikoko interviewer]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

Read next:

Interview With APC Broom

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Kunle Ologunro

September 17, 2021

Interview With…

Fela Kuti, Humour, interview with, interview with water, Water E No Get Enemy
Interview With APC Broom

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

You have always seen the broom in the flag of the All Progressives Party (APC) political party. Have you ever wondered what it means, or more importantly, why the party chose a broom?

Also, how does the broom on the flag feel about being the number one broom in the Federal Republic of Nigeria? What are the implications of this great responsibility? Today on Interview With, we sat with the APC Broom to discuss its grace to grass story.

Zikoko: Hello and welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you.

APC Broom: Thank you, Mr. Interviewer. Me too, I am pleased to be had.

Can you please introduce yourself to the audience?

APC Broom: As how?

Just tell the readers a bit about yourself. You know, who you are, what you do, etc.

APC Broom: Oh, okay. [Balances well]. I am the First broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

As in, you and Aishat Buhari are sharing husband?

APC Broom: No, no. What I am saying is that I hold a position that no broom has ever held before. I am the broom on the APC flag, and I don’t need to tell you that APC is the ruling party in Nigeria at the moment. So, if I am the broom on the flag of the ruling party, what does that make me?

A ruling broom?

APC Broom: Yes. Just like Buhari is the ruling man and he is the first citizen of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Oh, I see. So, following that logic…

APC Broom: That means when you count the brooms in this country, I come first. In that case, I am the ruling broom. In other words, the First Broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Rulers of this country have always had inspiring backstories. So, First Broom of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, what is your backstory?

APC Broom: [Takes a deep breath] You have asked an important question, and I too will give you an important answer. See, I am a broom of humble beginnings. My parents were poor palm fronds who struggled to make us their children happy. They allowed themselves to be cut down so broomsticks could be extracted from them. And even when we were spread in the sun for days, they made us understand that it was a necessary pain to go through. Before any broom can become valuable enough, they always said, it must first pass through harsh sunlight. See me today.

Wow. Did your parents attend any school?

APC Broom: My mother did not, but my father has a diploma in ATP from Dela Furotoye’s School of Motivational Quotes.

What is ATP?

APC Broom: Aspire To Papaya.

Oh, nice.

APC Broom: Nobody in my family thought I could get to this position. Even me, I never imagined I would be where I am today, but not once did I ever give up. I mean, look at my mates. Many of them have been cut short and are being used to wash toilets or mash ewedu leaves. Many of them are being used to sweep compounds, and many more are being used to wash gutters in Orile Agege, but here I am, living like a king on the APC flag.

Small broom, big God.

APC Broom: My brother, when God says it is your time, it is your time.

How did your time come? I mean, how did you end up on the flag?

APC Broom: Mr. Interviewer, thank you for that question. Many have said that I used bottom power, that I slept my way to the top. But I am a broom, where is the bottom? Even if I have bottom sef, who will insert something inside it?

Ah, don’t say that oh. Is this not Nigeria where a man was caught sleeping with a goat?

APC Broom: But am I a goat?

No, I—

APC Broom: Anyway, I was on my own that day, trying to rest and recover. People had cut parts of my body to pick their teeth and I was just looking scatter-scatter. By the way, we should talk about that. Why do Nigerians leave toothpicks alone and instead, go ahead to break off a piece of broom and stick it inside their teeth? Did I follow you to eat the meat that is stuck in your teeth?

Some people are even worse. They will break off a piece of broomstick and use it to clean their ears. Keep at it, you hear. Just keep at it. One day, a piece of broomstick will pierce your eardrum and you will learn.

Ah, please temper mercy with johnson.

APC Broom: Mercy Johnson is in her husband’s house. Me, I will not temper any mercy with justice.

So, back to our story. You were on your own, looking scatter-scatter.

APC Broom: Yes, as I was saying. I was on my own, looking scatter-scatter and trying to see if anyone would buy me and take me home so I could at least leave the market. That was how this black car with tinted windows stopped and the driver rushed out to come and buy me. I was so excited. I thought I was at least going to enter someone’s house at last. And that was the plan.

But the person who bought me was on his way to an APC meeting, and as it turned out, they were busy redesigning the flag that time and the only thing remaining was a symbol. Sha, the meeting started. According to what I heard, they saw a cockroach flying around, and they wanted to kill it. Next thing, the driver was asked to bring me out of the car.

And you killed the cockroach…

APC Broom: Not only did I kill it. I also swept it away and kept that floor clean. That was how the leader said, “We have found our logo.”

One minute they’re lifting me in the air and hailing me, the next they are retying me and arranging my loose ends. Afterwards, they took my photos and sent them to a flag designer. All this in one day.

Wonderful.

APC Broom: It can only be God.

Why do you think APC chose a broom as their symbol? They are a political party, couldn’t they have chosen something more… significant?

APC Broom: You want the answer to that question?

Yes, please.

APC Broom: Then go to Aso Rock. It’s not me you will ask foolish questions.

No, I didn’t mean it that way oh.

APC Broom: Why do you Nigerians like to hate? You are asking why they chose a broom. PDP that used umbrella as their logo, why didn’t you go and drag them? APGA that used fowl as their own logo, shey you will go and fight them? This is Nigeria, Mr. Interviewer. Nobody knows why things happen. Anything your eyes see, take it like that and be going. It can be either good or bad, e no sure for anybody, na grace.

As for me, they saw the work I did and they realised that I would be a good symbol to show Nigerians that APC is a party that has come to sweep out corruption and every wrong thing happening in this country. Like I said, who soak garri for morning fit chop jollof rice for night. Everything na grace.

So, would you say you have achieved that?

APC Broom: Achieved what?

Swept corruption out of the country and all…

APC Broom: Shey this one dey whine me ni? Oga, I am just an ordinary broom oh. The people you should ask are your leaders in power. Besides, I want you to take a good look at me. Can you see my size?

Yes.

APC Broom: Now imagine the size of the corruption in this country. Do you think I have the capacity to sweep it away?

I—

APC Broom: Even if they bring vacuum cleaner, the level of to be cleaned will make it start to malfunction. But Nigerians love lies. And I cannot even blame them. When you have suffered for more than 19 years, even keke maruwa will look like a yacht. That’s why, when APC debuted me as their symbol, everyone was rejoicing. The price of broom went up, and at every political rally, people would carry brooms and shake in the air.

Me I was happy for my siblings, sha. At least they finally got to take a break from hard labour. They are back at it now sha, but that year, brooms were the happening babes.

Hmm. This is such an eye-opener.

APC Broom: I know what people are saying on the streets: that the APC Broom is doing the opposite of what they asked it to do; that I am sweeping corruption into the country and sweeping away the value of the Naira.

Okay oh, I agree. But can we also agree that I am sweeping Nigerians out of the country and sweeping them into better countries?

So you are responsible for the japa?

APC Broom: If you will blame me, you might as well tell the complete truth.

People have been clamouring that the APC logo be changed from Broom to Cutlass. What do you have to say about this?

APC Broom: Ordinary broom that is the party logo, the country is like this. Imagine if they change it to cutlass. What do you think will happen?

Ah.

APC Broom: Good.

Thank you so much for honouring us. Any last words?

APC Broom: People have said I do not deserve this position. I want them to know that who God has blessed, no man can curse. Also, they should know that I am just out here living my life. You dey use envy look am, na why e be like show off. But take note of this: Battery wey low go still full, and battery wey full go still low. Our prayer be say make charger no spoil.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Nigeria’s Coat of Arms

Kunle Ologunro

September 10, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

APC Broom, Humour, Interview, Interview With APC Broom
8 Easy Ways To Steal Someone’s Destiny

This life can be funny. Many people are out there with big destinies, but they don’t know how to use it. And here you are, with big ideas on how to use that destiny. How can you steal it from them? It’s simple. We already compiled 8 easy ways you can do that.

We believe you already have a babalawo that will help you convert that destiny to cash. We don’t know the process for that. What we know is the process of stealing destiny, and that is just what we are about to show you.

1. Sleep with them.

They are probably thinking, “I will wear a condom.” Well, condoms can protect people from Sexually Transmitted Diseases, but can condoms stop Sexual Transmission of Destiny? The answer is no. By the time you are done with their destiny, when they hear sex, they will run.

2. Steal their underwear.

Just pack it from the wire where they spread it and voila, free destiny has landed in the palm of your hands. The type of underwear determines the kind of destiny. Boxer shorts, you can get enough destiny to buy a 3-bedroom flat. G-string, that one will buy you an okada.

3. Cook for them.

Any man or woman that you cook for, you have collected their destiny. Just add a boiled egg to the food and make sure they eat it whole. You don’t believe us? Read this article:

5 Nigerians Talk About Being Initiated Into Witchcraft Through Food

4. Swallow their semen.

They’ll probably think you are freaky. Especially in this Nigeria where everybody is an aspiring pornstar. This will be the easiest. Just tell them to give you that semen. As they are pumping it and you are swallowing it, you are collecting every bit of their destiny. Once you are done, wipe your mouth and wear your clothes. E don be for that guy.

5. Taste their menstrual blood.

This is a double-edged sword. If you, as a woman, use your menstrual blood to cook stew for the man, you have collected his destiny. There is no greater kayanmata. But if the man tastes your menstrual blood on his own accord, sorry dear, but your destiny don leave you go be that oh. So, it’s a game of wit. May the best menstrual blood taster win.

6. Find their barbing salon and steal their hair.

Just one tuft is enough. Why else do you think some people carry poly bag to the barbing salon to pack their hair after the barber is done cutting? Outsmart them. You can even open a barbing salon for this reason. Destiny Barbing Salon. They won’t even know that they are barbing their destiny away.

7. Run a wig rental business.

Buy a very fancy wig, and start renting out at very cheap prices. For example, 24 inches bone straight for 2k per day. People will patronise you big time. They won’t know that you are using it to gather destiny. Before they realise it, you have already cashed out and you are doing giveaway on Twitter. Who gon’ check you boo? NOBODY. Periodt!

8. Ask them nicely.

Honestly, some people are tired of their destinies, if you ask nicely on a good day, they fit dash you. Besides, what do you stand to lose from being polite? If they refuse, then you can confidently say you asked them nicely and they refused.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 9, 2021

Inside Life

how to steal destiny, Humour, stealing destiny
10 Places To Make Over ₦30k Per Day From Selling Akara

There is a matter of national urgency we must attend to: many Nigerians are of the opinion that you cannot make ₦30k per day from selling akara. In this Nigeria where akara is competing with the National Cake? When we heard it, we were disappointed. Some people may perish for lack of knowledge, but if you listen to us, that will not be your portion.

Here are 10 valid spots to sell akara and make over ₦30k per day. Start peeling your beans now.

1. Cemetery.

Imagine selling akara to dead bodies who have not eaten anything since their soul departed from this sinful world? Only you, dominating that market and covering distribution from grave to grave. Believe me, you will make nothing less than ₦50k per night. In less than one month, you will be a silent millionaire.

2. Dammy B’s Night Market

If you don’t know her, Dammy B is the Madam of those people that sell anything sellable. Just go to her and beg her to help you. I swear, one client that she will introduce you to can buy like ₦500k akara in one week. You think they call her Dammy B for nothing? The B in her name stands for “Bundles of Cash.” That should tell you what to expect.

7 Things We Want To Buy At The Night Market

3. Aso Rock.

Imagine selling akara to Buhari himself. Ah, you are made forever. If they catch you there sha, you may end up in jail, but fortune favours the bold my dear.

4. House of Assembly.

Just camp outside so they can see you and patronise you before they go in for the meeting. As they are deliberating on taxes, let them be munching your akara and wondering just how much to tax lazy akara sellers who cannot meet daily target of ₦30k.

4. Winners Chapel.

You mean to tell me that you can’t make ₦30k per day from selling akara to these people? Come off it, abeg. You know what you should do? Tell them your akara was what was shared at the Last Supper and see how people will rush you like hot Jollof.

5. Redeem Camp.

Ahan, just look at. If you cannot market your akara to this mammoth crowd, then you are the source of your own problem oh.

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6. Hell Fire.

These people are hungry. Imagine how they will feel to hear that you can now buy akara at the Hell Fire Cafeteria. If you want to finish the business, just add pure water to it as jara. Omo. You go too sell.

7. Coven meeting.

Witches are people too nau. They need something to snack on while plotting to kill Iya Ramo’s first son. For them, you can fry the akara with palm oil. It will look like blood to them and they will rush you. You don’t even need to make ₦30k per day if you have the witches support.

8. ATM queues

You can sell on credit to people here. Operate on a policy of trust. As soon as they withdraw their money, they come and pay you. Some of them can even buy more to take home to their family.

9. Road to heaven

They said the road is long and narrow. Imagine if you camp there and you’re selling akara. If you don’t make ₦30k, come and arrest me

10. Going door to door with a gun and forcing 100 people to buy 300 naira akara.

If everything else fails, remember that violence answereth all things. Don’t dull.

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Kunle Ologunro

September 9, 2021

Inside Life

30k per day, akara selling, Humour, Sarcasm
12 Funniest Nigerian School Names

When it comes to naming school’s in Nigeria, most people use their names to make it easy but the rest of them go to the deepest, wickedest parts of their brains and come up with the funniest Nigerian school names.

1. Olodo grammar School

First of all, Yes, It’s a perfectly normal Yoruba name but come on. Everyone knows how Olodo Is mostly used as an Insult, these people are basically setting these kids up for bullying later in life.

2. Disney School

Does Disney know that they have a school somewhere in Nigeria? Do the kids randomly burst into songs when life gets a little too much? why does this exist?

3. Joliday Nursery School

How do you even tell your friends that you attended Joliday nursery school? Are kids forced to be jolly and merry 24/7 in this school?

4. Pinky& The Brain School

What was going on in the principal’s mind when they named this school? is this a school for lab mice? Is their motto “Try to take over the world!” This is certainly one of the funniest school names in Nigeria.

5. Facebook nursery and primary School

Someone alert brother Mark, I know damn well that they did not get permission to use this name. Why are Nigerians like this?

6. Defeat Corruption International School

I think we should enrol every politician in Nigeria into this school, maybe they could learn a thing or two after a few years.

7. Tiny Tits school

We are convinced that they meant to say Tiny Tots because nothing about the name of this school makes sense. How did they even get to register the school with a name like this?

8. Massacre School

Everything about the name of this school sounds like a fucking threat. Do they beat kids for fun in this school?

9. Ashawo School

I have several questions. How does this exist? Is this a joke? Do they pimp students out? Parents can’t possibly see the name of this school and pay for their kids to attend this right? right??

10. Divine Corona private school

This would have been a perfectly normal-ish name for a school if we weren’t in a pandemic with the same name. Kids that attend this school definitely get bullied a lot, children can be very mean.

11. Twinsland International College

They didn’t even try to name this school at all, what exactly were they on when they came up with this? Do they only accept twins? What about triplets, aren’t they technically twins plus one?

12. President Barack Obama High School

Abolish Nigerians. Who lets people get away with things like this? Is this a money-laundering front? How did they create a school anthem from a name like this? They should arrest all the people involved in the creation of this school, to be honest. The award for the funniest Nigerian school names definitely goes to them.

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Malakai Bassey

September 8, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, insidelife, Nigerian Schools
8 Things to Carry in Your Car When Driving in Lagos

Driving in Lagos will run you mad. One minute, you are a saint, the next minute, you are winding down your window to shout oloriburuku at someone who just almost took out your side mirror. But why raise your voice when you can improve the quality of your madness?

If you ever want them to fear you in Lagos, here are 8 things you must always carry in your car.

1. Calabash and red cloth with three cowries.

This one is for when they stop you at a toll gate or an agbero tries to collect money from you. Always put your money inside it. When you are harassed for money, take it from the calabash. Believe me, they will ask you to be going with your money.

2. Army sticker.

Not everybody who has that “NIGERIAN ARMY” sticker on their windscreen is a part of the army. But who will stop them and ask? Everybody is always afraid of them, and this is why you must get the sticker too. Whatever you do sha, don’t get into trouble with the real army. Zikoko ~~will not~~ cannot save you then.

3. Koboko.

This one is multi-purpose. If someone blocks your car in the parking lot and they still have the nerve to insult you, this one will teach them a lesson. And if any driver bashes your car and tries to move mad, just come down and flog the living daylight out of them. Again, if this person can fight, Zikoko cannot help you.

4. Bathroom slippers.

Wo, any driver that overtakes you in traffic, just wind down and fling it at them. Don’t worry about how you will hit the mark, once the slippers enter your hand, you will feel it.

5. Police cap on the dashboard.

This one can backfire. Too many people have beef with policemen. But they won’t beat you sha. The worst that will happen is that they will offer you N50 bribes when they see you coming towards them.

6. Pankere.

This one is for when a fellow driver misbehaves. Just signal for them to wind down. They will think you have something important to say. Just serve them one on the head — tawai! And speed off.

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7. Duvet.

This is not to show that you are violent. In fact, it is to show that you have enough time for rubbish. If someone overtakes you rudely and you finally get to overtake them, just block their path and pull out your duvet. Now balance on your seat and fall asleep. That place they were rushing to get to, we will see where they will get there. Just pray this person has not read this article because…

8. Blended pepper.

You can also use ground pepper. Just pour it in an empty Ragolis bottle and pierce the cap. Anyone that moves mad next to you, wind down and squirt some pepper in their face. Ojoro cancel ojoro. Their father.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 8, 2021

Inside Life

driving in lagos, Humour, koboko, madness, Sarcasm
How To Get Married Without Letting People Know

Are you looking to get married to your sweetheart without losing the love of your life? You can do it. Just follow everything we say in this article. We will tell you what to post, what to wear, and how to act. Don’t worry, nobody will catch you.

Here’s what to do:

1. Post one person publicly, but date another one secretly.

That way, when news of your wedding leaks, people can defend you by saying, “Ahan, no oh. S/he was dating this person and they were posting each other publicly.” Before they realise the real truth, you go don born like two children.

2. Don’t throw a wedding party.

Clearly, that goes without saying. If there’s no evidence of a wedding party, then what will they use as proof? And if you throw a wedding party, don’t fret. Do the following things:

3. Post a photo of yourself in your outfit and caption it: “Groomsman duties.” Or, “Maid of honour things. Showing up for my best gal.”

Nobody go know say na you dey do the do.

4. Tweet/post the following things:

a. “Having a small event with friends and family.”

b. “Not me planning to lose my virginity again tonight.”

c. “Damn, I look good today.”

d. “If you are in love with me, this is your last chance.”

e. “This place has fine men/women. I’m leaving here with one of them.”

f. “Not me being overdressed for a church event.”

g. “What a day.”

h. “The DJ at this wedding is lit oh. Ahan.”

i. “Trust nobody.”

j. “Why are these people throwing confetti on me ffs?”

5. Be a Yoruba man.

If you are a Yoruba man, getting married without letting people know is your speciality. You don’t need any tips from us. Keep doing the things you do, Femi. May your reign last long, and may your empire never crumble.

6. Be an Igbo woman.

Although, as an Igbo woman, people will eventually know you got married. It’s just the person who was planning to get married to you before that will find out later when news of your marriage to someone else pops up. Anyway, keep going to your hometown, babes. We see you.

Read next: 11 Ways To Win The Heart Of An Igbo Woman

7. As for the rest of you, follow our advice oh.

Zikoko is showing you the way. Follow who know road.

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Kunle Ologunro

September 4, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, igbo woman, Sarcasm, Wedding, yoruba man
8 Annoying Things Nigerian Women Should Stop Using As Their Love Language

It is one thing to understand what love language is, it is another thing to try to pass off something else as a love language. To whom it may concern (side eyes Nigerian women), this post should be a wake up call for you to actually sit down and discover your love language.

Stop doing these annoying things and calling them love language.

1. Biting.

I don’t get this sha. Why bite your partner to show that you love them? If you are practising cannibalism, just say so. Don’t use love language as an excuse to cover your bad habits, you little vampire.

2. Eating from your plate of food when theirs is there.

We both ordered rice and beans, so what is your spoon doing inside my plate, please? Remove it dear. That’s not a love language, let me eat and be satisfied, don’t shorten my ration.

3. Stealing hoodies.

Thief. It’s why a relationship will end and her wardrobe will be full of hoodies. Drop that hoodie, please. We can see each other’s nakedness, but hoodie is where I draw the line.

4. Stealing t-shirts.

Listen and listen good, if any Nigerian woman steals your t-shirt, please steal her blouse too. In this house, we believe in gender equality.

5. “Big Head”, “Goat”, and other non-romantic words.

If you want to insult your partner, insult them with your full chest. Which one is “Big Head” and “Goat” when you know that his head is actually big and that he is a stubborn goat? Why are you using your partner’s personal flaws as a term of endearment?

6. Wanting to be cuddled all night long.

Do you not fear body pain, this woman? You want your partner to wake up looking sleep-deprived and in search of Panadol because they held you all night long. Haba, fear God nau.

7. Disturbing your sleep.

Please and please. If the person you are dating is asleep, LET THEM SLEEP! They did not send you to be a wicked person. Yes, there is no rest for the wicked, but there is no part that says the partner of the wicked should not rest. Let’s know what we are doing, please.

8. Flooding you with fifty-seven pictures of them wearing the same outfit.

“Have you seen a fine girl today?” Yes, I have. Fifty-seven photos of you wearing the same outfit will not change that. You want to hear the truth? Many men just gas you up without actually downloading the photos. Let fine girl use up her phone’s storage space, please.

QUIZ: What’s Your Love Language?

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Kunle Ologunro

September 3, 2021

Inside Life

dating women, Humour, inside, love language