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Interview With Amapiano: “Nigerians Have Killed Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

After interviewing Detty December about how it plans to remain outside despite all that is going on with COVID-19, Amapaino ran into our office to hide because a Detty December means an overworked Amapiano.

From being the hot cake of musical beats to becoming a regular thing to Nigerians, Amapiano’s journey is a classic see-finish story.

[Amapiano runs in]

Zikoko: Ahan, what’s going on? Who is pursuing you?

Amapiano: [Panting hard] Please, let me hide here.

Zikoko: Why? What did you do?

Amapiano: I’ll explain later, just let me hide here.

Zikoko: Omo, that will be hard oh. We cannot just hide you here without knowing why you are hiding.

Amapiano: Look, I won’t be a burden. I’ll just stay where you keep me and remain quiet until I can escape back to my country.

Zikoko: Where is your country?

Amapiano: South Africa.

Zikoko: So why do you want to go back? Have you not tasted Nigerian Jollof?

Amapiano: I have but—

Zikoko: Our national treasure! You see, the country might be going to shit, but once you eat Nigerian Jollof, everything automatically fixes itself.

Amapiano: No, that’s not—

Zikoko: In fact, Nigerian Jollof is the plane that will carry us to heaven on the last day.

Amapiano: Well, that doesn’t matter to—

Zikoko: You know what, let me ask them to serve you Jollof rice again, maybe you will be convinced to stay with us.

Amapiano: No, I beg of you, I don’t want any more Jollof rice. I don’t want anything that has to do with Nigeria, especially now that Christmas is here.

Zikoko: Amapiano, you are proving difficult and I don’t like it.

Amapiano: Just let me hide here for a while. Before the end of this week, my people will come for me and fly me back to South Africa. It is the only thing I desire from you.

Zikoko: Is Nigeria not enough for you?

Amapiano: [Screams] Nigerians want to finish me! Can’t you read between the lines?!

Zikoko: Oh.

Amapiano: [Bursts into tears] I never knew it would be like this. If I knew, I would have refused to come when I was being invited. Had I known, had I known, I would have just stayed back in South African clubs and parties.

Zikoko: How did you end up in Nigeria in the first place?

Amapiano: What does not end up in Nigeria eventually? Especially music. You people have a good number of hot music stars. When one of them sampled me in their music, I knew I had arrived.

Zikoko: Tell me more…

Amapiano: I felt on top of the world. I was this new sound with the gift of becoming a club banger and a street anthem. That’s a great level of versatility, and you know how Nigerians like versatile sounds.

Not every artiste knew how to use me, but they all wanted me in their songs, even if it was just for the sake of appearance. The collaborations were plenty, even artistes that have no business collaborating were doing it because of Amapiano. I was the ‘it girl’. I felt so classy. But this is Nigeria. You can’t be special for too long. They will eventually overwork you and see-finish will enter it.

Zikoko: So see-finish has entered it for you now?

Amapiano: Yes oh. In fact, my own is more than see-finish. Nigerians claim they want a bad bitch but the bad bitch arrives and you all cannot handle it. Why are you people clamouring for Amapiano when you know you will not dance when it is played live?

Zikoko: Eeyah.

Amapiano: Now, I have gone from being the hotcake of sounds to a regular sound. Let me be going to my country, please. The disgrace I have encountered here is enough.

Zikoko: How would you say this see-finish happened?

Amapiano: I blame myself, honestly. I don’t know who gave Nigerian artistes the idea that they need to include me in their songs, but I blame myself for agreeing. My eyes are clear now.

Zikoko: Me I think you have become popular sha.

Amapiano: Did I beg you people for popularity? Was I not popular before you people came to put me in your songs? If I was not popular, would you even have known me? Please don’t get me angry, it’s too early in the morning for this.

Zikoko: Sorry oh. But now that you are planning to escape, what will happen to Christmas parties in Nigeria?

Amapiano: Christmas is to celebrate the birthday of Jesus. I’m not sure Mary’s son would have wanted you to play Amapiano on his birthday anyway.

Zikoko: If you go, do you have any brothers or sisters that can replace you?

Amapiano: As how?

Zikoko: Should we be expecting Amaguitar and Amadrum anytime soon?

[Amapiano stares very hard at Zikoko, sighs deeply, hisses, and then walks out]

Zikoko: Amapiano wait now! Don’t you want to hide here again?

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 17, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

amapiano, Humour, interview with
10 Things to Take to Shiloh Instead of Your Partner’s Picture

We are so grateful that Shiloh happens every year. A prayer gathering where miracles happen and multiple breakthroughs are recorded? SIGN US UP! But given the state of the country, we have started wondering about this one thing: instead of taking your partner’s picture to Shiloh, why not take these 10 things with you?

1. Nigeria.

If there’s one thing that needs God’s divine touch, it is Nigeria. When Nigeria receives the divine touch, even the population of single people will reduce.

2. Your account number.

Don’t you want to receive miracle alerts? Omo, the next Shiloh that happens, you better go there with your account details. Before that service ends, credit alert will be chasing you.

3. Your CGPA.

If God can raise Lazarus from the dead, what is your CGPA that God cannot pour divine yeast into? Believe and you shall receive.

4. Picture of your project supervisor.

Final year students, don’t sleep on this! If your project supervisor is moving like your village people, just take the battle to the spiritual realm. By the time you leave Shiloh, your project supervisor will be the one begging you to collect A as your final score.

5. Picture of your line manager.

Is your boss a pain in the ass? Just take a sick leave and go to Shiloh and raise their picture high to heaven. If that manager refuses to get in line, my saviour will manage them quickly!

6. A picture of the latest iPhone.

This one requires faith. Just carry the picture with you. And if you can get the carton, carry it too and pray. Before the week ends, you’ll either find a brand new iPhone on the floor or the prices will fall to 2k. Impossibility? It’s not for my father.

7. A picture of your dream body.

Why go to the gym when you can go to Shiloh? Flat stomach? Six pack? Bumbum like pillows? Work it out in prayers!

8. Your edges.

If there is one thing God can do, it is to reshape all damaged edges? Does yours fall into this category? Just take it to my father.

9. Your international passport.

My father is still in the business of taking people from grass to grace. So, carry your green passport and declare. Japa is greater than finding true love.

10. Yourself.

Just pray for Otedola or Dangote to adopt you. There’s no greater encounter than that, believe me.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 11, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigeria, prayers, shiloh
Interview With Detty December: “Come Rain, Come Shine, We Outside”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?

Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.

[Detty December walks in and looks around]

Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—

Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?

Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?

Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.

Zikoko: Dirty?

Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?

Zikoko: Not at all.

Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.

[Detty December smacks lips]

Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?

Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?

Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.

Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?

Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.

Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].

Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.

Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?

Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.

Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?

Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.

Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?

Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.

And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.

Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.

Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.

Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.

Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?

Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.

Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?

Detty December: As how?

Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.

Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.

Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?

Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.

Detty December and Queen Elizabeth when they jam at Murtala Muhammed Airport.

Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.

Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!

Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?

Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?

Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—

[Detty December’s phone rings]

Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!

[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]

Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.

Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.

[Detty December walks out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

READ NEXT: Interview With Lukman, The Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 10, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Detty December, Humour, Interview, Sarcasm
6 Jobs Abuja Men Do On The Side While Squatting With Their Babes

You know how everyone is always crying about how Lagos men are wicked, serving breakfast up and down? Well, let’s introduce you to Abuja men and their shenanigans. Known for hobosexualism – the art of squatting with your sexual partner, these men are the real pandemic. But you know what? They’re actually hardworking as well. Here are some of the inspiring jobs they take on when they’re not eating all your food for free.

Fitness Trainer

One of the most lucrative Abuja baby boy roles has to be the fitness trainer route. You see them all the time on Instagram and probably in every gym in town. These guys have like 18 packs and will take off their shirts faster than CBN can announce a new financial cock-blocking policy. During the day, they’re at the gym helping their clients learn the new booty building squat routine, and by night, you’ll be sure to either spot them at the latest clubs in shirts so tight they can barely breathe or in the bed of one of their clients doing plumber work.

Selling “bespoke” trad

Everyone who is anyone in Abuja has a clothing line at this point. What do you expect in a city where everyone dresses like they have a high-class wedding to attend? This is also another job you can take on while you live off your girlfriend. To do this well, you need to have a reliable tailor and a little bit of Instagram clout, so when you decide to sell one up and down for ₦80,000, no one will bat an eyelash. After all, it’s not really the trad they’re buying, it’s the aesthetics.

Running a barbing salon

Another lucrative scene in Abuja is the barbing salon industry and we don’t use the word “Industry” lightly. In Abuja, a haircut can go for as high as ₦5,000 depending on the location and general je ne sais quoi of the place. Some will cut your hair, rub your head small, and decide it’s enough reason to bleed your account dry. If you can convince a woman to let you live with her for free, then getting her to open a barbing salon for you shouldn’t be so hard.

Chasing contracts

This is the Abuja version of “I have containers on the high sea”. Unconfirmed statistics show that one in every six Abuja men has one or two contracts in the pipeline and that’s why they’ve mastered the art of drafting proposals. Literally, anyone can write you a business plan in Abuja. This is also one of the ways Abuja hobosexuals weasel their way into your bed and your Garki apartment. They’ll tell you one of their contracts is being processed and if you’re not jazzed up, you’ll enter one chance.

[newsletter]

Influenza

Thanks to social media and Keeping up with the Kardashians, it’s easy to make a life for yourself just by being internet famous these days. Tapping into this market, Abuja men can be influencers for any and everything from waist trainers and slimming tea to just strolling through restaurants with Lecrae’s Coming in hot playing in the background. All you need to excel at this is a fine face, nice outfits and a phone with a good camera. For extra followers, throw in some muscle ear and dear.

A lirru bit of gheigh

Landing a senator or minister in Abuja is not as easy as Abuja Connection made it look. While Clarion Chukwura and Eucharia Anunobi were battling it out for the tough men in the city, your competition here might just be the boyfriend you left at home. You’re not the only one who likes money, sis. And like the popular video says, “All of us na ashewo.” So please, keep that in mind.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

December 6, 2021

Inside Life

abuja, Humour, Inside life, Mandem
How To Answer “Are You Married?” Like A Married Lagos Man

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re out having a good time and some random person just asks if you’re married (even though they most likely already know the answer)? If you’ve ever been in this situation and didn’t know how to fire back, here are some responses you can go with next time that will make the nosy person’s head spin.

And?

Ask them what that has to do with anything. So you’re married, and so bloody what? Is it a union or a prison? Remind them that it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just a certificate and a ring.

Just a little bit

How can anyone blame you for cheating when you’re just a little bit married? Basically, you have just one leg in the marriage, and are free to wander and philander around Lagos with the other leg.. If they ask what it means to be a little bit married, tell them to take your answer like that and redirect their focus to the love you have for them.

What exactly do you mean by “married”?

Turn the tables around and interrogate the person. What exactly do they mean by “married”? And yes, it’s a compulsory exam question worth 20 marks. There are many ways to go around a marriage. This is the time to be smart and find that loophole.

Marriage? What does that even mean?

It’s time for you to act like your brain is empty. Marriage? What a foreign concept! All you know is that you’re single and ready to mingle. Anyone that claims to be married to you is obviously delusional.

[newsletter]

Are any of us truly married?

Very important question. Who created these laws of marriage in the first place? Were Adam and Eve married? No. It’s high time we all learned to live on vibes and vibes alone.

But I’m here

Remind them that despite your alleged partner, you are here with them,professing your love, and that’s all that matters. Every other thing is noise. What else do they even want from you? If this isn’t true love, we don’t know what else it could be.

Is it your business?

Anybody who asks about your marital status in public clearly doesn’t mean you well. They were probably sent by your village people to embarrass you. It’s only right that you tear your singlet and fight because they clearly want violence.

Abeg X3

Why are they boxing you in? That’s very disrespectful. It’s time for you to shut down naysayers challenging the validity of your single-hood. Saying you’re married is like an attack and you have to dismiss these accusations to avoid further embarrassment.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 30, 2021

Inside Life

Cheating, Humour, Inside life, Lagos, Married men
10 Types Of People You’re Likely To Meet At A Concert This December

Nothing prepares you for the drama that comes with going to a concert in Nigeria. From the main artist who chooses to show up seven hours late to the upcoming artist who expects you to sing along to a song they dropped that morning, everyone acts like they’re on steroids. With concert season around the corner (those prices though), we’ve made a list of people you’ll most likely run into at the next show you go for.

1. The One With A Curfew

They will spend the entire time reminding you that they have a curfew and need to be home before 10 p.m. This is funny because everyone knows that Nigerian concerts never start on time. Most of the time, these ones leave before the main act gets on stage (which is usually at 3 a.m).

2. The One Always Looking For A Place To Crash Until Daybreak

Despite knowing that concerts run until very late, these ones won’t make plans for how they’ll get home or where they’ll sleep if they can’t get a ride.. They are basically running on vibes. If you meet someone like this at a concert and share a laugh together, they’ll ask to spend the night in your parlour.

3. The One That’s Too Big To Dance

If there’s one thing Nigerians love, it’s forming. Why are you at a concert standing like an electric pole? These ones will rather die than actually admit that they’re having a good time. Tragic.

4. The One That Won’t Stop Dancing

These are the people that don’t understand the difference between a concert and a nightclub. Yes, you can dance o, but this is not Maltina Dance All so calm the hell down. They show up to concerts and start throwing their legs everywhere like Liquorose. All you can do at this point is get out of their way to avoid injury and let them finish.

5. The One Trying To Outsing The Artist On Stage

Arguably the most annoying group on this list. They will shout, not sing, every word as if their life depends on it. We get it. You’re a super fan. But please dear, we didn’t pay to hear you sing, so kindly geddifok.

6. The Ones Who Don’t Know The Lyrics

They’ll be in a corner passionately singing the lyrics to your favourite song but if you look closely, you’ll see that they’re just chopping their mouths singing a version of the song even the artist has never heard before.

[newsletter]

7. The “I Was Dragged Here” Concert Goer

They probably got dragged there by their friends or have been forced to chaperone their siblings. Either way, they will spend their time side-eying and judging everyone that’s having a good time, just because they think they have better taste in music. Go and sell your taste in the market and allow us to have nice things.

8. The Discount Documentary Filmmaker That Wants To Record The Entire Concert

The most common on the list thanks to everyone constantly clinging to their phone. While it’s okay to record a couple of clips for the gram, these ones with their 512GB phones must record every single moment. It’s almost like they’ve been contracted by Netflix to make a documentary.

9. The Overly Touchy Couple

You know the couple with the girl in front and the guy behind her holding her waist? They’re practically inseparable and do all they can to remind us single people that we ain’t shit. Honestly, we can’t stand them either. Get a room! We came here to watch a musician, not two random people dry hump each other.

10. The Creepy Guy That Doesn’t Understand Consent

The absolute worst are the guys who go to concerts and harass women who just came to have a good time. They feel like it’s their right to dance with anyone they want to because “we are all having fun”. Don’t be a part of this group of people. You will get your ass kicked and thrown out of the concert.

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 29, 2021

Inside Life

Concerts, Detty December, Humour, Inside life
9 Types of Bus Conductors You Will Meet in Lagos

Lagos is a city of mad people. Before you come for us, we have proof. Multiple proofs, sef. But of all the crazies you are bound to encounter in Lagos, bus conductors do the most. Here are 9 types you are likely to jam:

1. The one who is a walking a loudspeaker.

Yes, bus conductors are expected to have loud voices, but there is that one conductor who sounds like he swallowed an actual loudspeaker. He speaks one word, and you hear it from a thousand miles. Just don’t let him speak close to your ears, please. You don’t want to take the risk.

2. The one who doesn’t pronounce the destinations well.

Iyana Ipaja becomes Yanapaja, Oshodi becomes Oshod, and Ikeja becomes Ikej-Ike-Ikej. Together, Iyana Ipaja, Oshodi, Ikeja becomes “Yanapajaoshodkej” and you will be stuck at the bus-stop for hours wondering when a new local government was created. Half the time, you’ll even miss your destination.

3. The one with the notorious body odour.

It gets bad if he has mouth odour too. And it gets worse if he puts his armpit over your head and opens his mouth in your face to collect your transport fare. And if it’s on a Monday morning when you are heading to work, just know that’s the worst of the worst.

4. The fighter.

This type of conductor has a lot of pent-up energy that that he spends on fight. In the course of a fifteen minute trip, he will fight with an agbero and fight with at least three passengers. Once the fight starts, just avert your face before a blow lands on it and you get an emergency face lift from a Lagos conductor.

5. The one who is always looking for an opportunity to pass comments.

He will comment on your outfit, your mode of sitting, even the way you tell him your destination. Ignore him, except you want to match his energy sha.

6. The one who never has change.

He won’t rest until he joins three passengers together to fight over fifty naira change at Ikeja Along on the very day when you have an interview to attend.

7. The gentle one.

This one could easily be a passenger. He doesn’t have the power to make noise.

8. The one who knows better than the driver.

Oversabi conductors? Them full Lagos. You will be in the bus and you will hear him directing the driver and telling the driver to do as he said. Who is the actual driver and who is the conductor? Find out on this episode of Lagos Bus Rides. If you are lucky, the conductor and the driver might exchange blows at some point. It’s all part of the show.

9. The one who “forgets” to give you change.

Have you even met a real Lagos bus conductor if one of them has not run away with your change?

Which one did we miss? Tell us in the comments!

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 28, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, lagos conductors
8 Types of Micra Drivers You’ll Meet in Ibadan

One thing nobody ever really prepares you for when you visit Ibadan, is the types of drivers you will encounter. From bus drivers to taxi drivers, there is a different level of drama attached to each one.

But today, let’s focus on Micra drivers. If you ever plan to visit Ibadan, prepare yourself to meet any of these types of drivers:

1. The one whose Micra is close to the grave.

If you enter this man’s taxi, anything you see, just take it like that. He himself knows the state of his Micra, and that’s why he is drives as slowly as he does.

2. The one who forgets he is driving a Micra and is competing with an okada.

This type of driver will speed so much, you will start to wonder if you are acting “Fast and Furious 7,” Ibadan edition.

3. The snail.

His Micra is not close to the grave, neither is it suffering from any condition. This taxi driver is just as slow as anything else. Don’t you dare ask him to hurry up and drive faster, unless you are ready to hear your family’s history laced with hot curses.

4. The chatterbox.

THIS TYPE OF DRIVER ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY! He will talk from the moment you enter the taxi and when you exit. Make the mistake of indulging him and you will find yourself on the set of Cho-Cho-Cho: Letting An Ibadan Cab Driver Talk Me To Death.

5. The one whose seats are smelling.

Yes, they exist. Once you settle your buttocks on the seat, a strange smell will just waft up your nose. If you are not careful, you will probably think you farted. It is when you alight that you realise what actually happened.

6. The one who will insult you the passenger.

One thing you should know is this: it doesn’t matter what you do or did not do, some of these taxi drivers are simply out to insult you. If you enter such a taxi, just keep quite and accept your insults like that. It’s a perk of the trip.

7. The one who will withhold your balance.

They usually come with a warning: “Hold your change.” Once you make the costly mistake of entering without the change, anything your eyes see, just take it like that. After all, you were warned before entering, didn’t you?

8. The one who will let you go with the money but will insult your life.

Sometimes, you might not have the required change, and the driver is forced to let you go with your money. In Ibadan, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money and not say anything. And on the other hand, you will meet some drivers who will let you go with the money but insult your life and heap every known curse on that single naira note. It is what it is.

Did we miss any? Tell us in the comments!

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

November 28, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, ibadan, ibadan taxi drivers, micra
10 Ways to Make a Nigerian Woman Spend Her Money on You

If there is one thing a Nigerian woman will never do, it is to willingly spend her money on a man. But don’t worry, we have finally cracked the code to getting Nigerian women to open their purse.

Just do everything on this list, and you will be swimming in money before the end of the year.

1. Spend on her first.

You must first invest before you can get returns on your investment. Just make sure you choose the right investment plan sha so your money doesn’t vanish.

2. Give her orgasms.

Once you are able to provide this basic benefit, it won’t be difficult for a Nigerian woman to open her purse. Yes, there are some women who will not spend a dime on you even if you give them fifteen orgasms in a five-minute genital bumping session, but don’t let that deter you.

3. When she asks you to “do it just like that” during sex, don’t overdo.

Whatever you are doing, just keep doing it in that same measure and rhythm. Don’t attempt to increase pace or overdo because you have been complimented or you will fuck up your bag.

4. Date someone else.

Nigerian women are not moved to do anything for a man until competition enters it. That is when you will see them struggling to win your heart, especially if they know you are gifted with the extraordinary ability to provide orgasms.

5. Allow her to bite you.

Women love a man who allows them to fulfil their cannibalistic tendencies. When she bites you once or twice, pretend you are sick and watch her spend her last card on you. Relax and enjoy it, it’s payday!

6. Buy her ashewo dress.

She probably won’t spend on you, but she will probably agree to get on top and ride, which is something that happens only once in three years. Enjoy it while it lasts.

7. Give her head and don’t bite her clit like shaki.

Once you make the mistake of biting her, you might as well kiss your check goodbye and get ready for the poverty that will bite you.

8. Be a pet dog.

Let’s be honest, unless you are a fluffy pet dog named “Coco” or “Atinuke,” a Nigerian woman won’t even look at you twice. So, my dear friend, better start practising that bark. “Woof, woof!”

9. Be her younger brother.

Even with this, you still have to beg for it. But at least, she will consider the blood tie between you both and send you 2k once in two years.

10. Be PiggyVest.

That’s the only one thing Nigerian women are guaranteed to put their money in. So, you can either convince her to create a savings plan in your name, or you can turn into PiggyVest itself and collect all her earnings.

Whichever way you choose, good luck as you begin your journey to becoming the youngest billionaire as you gather money from a Nigerian woman.

How do you know if your girlfriend is a rich woman? We already did our findings here:

12 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Rich Woman

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Kunle Ologunro

November 27, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Nigerian Men, Nigerian woman, spending money
12 Clear Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Does Not Love You

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t love you. If you are dating any woman and she is manifesting any of these signs, please just break-up with her.

1. She calls you by your government name.

If she does this, it is a clear sign that she cannot be bothered by you or by the relationship. Break up with her today and this babe will find another lover in two days. Take it from us.

2. She calls you affectionate pet names like “Baby”

It’s not that she loves you, she is just calling you these names to mock you. Imagine you, a 28-year-old man, being referred to as “Baby.” Is she trying to tell you that you act like a child? If she refers to you as “Sweetheart,” what she means is that you don’t have a strong heart. That babe is probably dating a cultist and you are the side penis.

3. She does not post you on social media.

Just forget it: that woman is ashamed to be seen with you. You embarrass her. She probably said yes to a relationship with you because she pities you.

4. She posts you on social media.

Ah, she is clearly offering you to be snatched by the other women! Each time she posts you, her intention is, “Come and snatch this man from me, please. I am tired.” It’s almost like she’s auctioning you to the fastest fingers.

5. She is eager to visit you at home.

Hm, she does not want to spend money on you, that’s why she’s settling for that. You think if she loves you and wants to spend on you, she would not be taking you to places? Women are smart oh.

6. She doesn’t like visiting you at home.

In other words, you are no match for her, house-wise. You don’t believe us? Break-up with her and you’ll see her fall in love with a real estate agent.

7. She gives you head.

Hian. This one is just looking for an opportunity to bite your penis and injure you so you can break up with her. That woman does not love you. Watch how eager she is when you ask for head, and you will see that there is something scary about her excitement. How can someone be excited to put penis in their mouth, if it’s not to bite and injure the carrier of the penis?

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8. She doesn’t give you head.

This one is trying to get you to break up with her. Once you have asked her for head like 3 times and she refuses, she knows the next thing would be you breaking up with her or cheating on her with someone who gives head. The end result is that she’ll be free of you.

9. She cooks for you.

One word: POISON. Run oh.

10. She doesn’t cook for you.

What is the best way to show love if not through intense labouring in the kitchen? If she refuses to labour for your affection, abeg dump her. DUMP HER. That babe does not love you.

11. She celebrates you on special anniversaries.

She’s clearly showing you that she is the kind of woman who does not forget anything, which means she is keeping all record of your wrongs, even the ones she says she has forgiven you for. That kind of woman will not hesitate to list all of your crimes when you commit another. Better break up now. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

12. She doesn’t even know that there’s an anniversary for men.

National Boyfriend’s Day, she did not celebrate you. International Men’s Day, she did not praise you. Children’s Day, she did not buy you gift. See ehn, just go your separate ways. You could die and this woman would be out partying and minding her own business.

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Kunle Ologunro

November 19, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, love, Nigerian Girlfriends, romance