Humour | Page 12 of 13

What To Do When You’re Attacked By A Lion In Nigeria

Listen, you may or may not need this information. But read it anyway. This is Nigeria. You never know when a lion will attack you.

For example, you can be crossing the road and a lion that just escaped from the zoo will decide you’re the next thing to eat after its prison break.

Oh don’t laugh. This happened in Unilorin. Although it was a gorilla that escaped sha.

Japa sturvs.

If that does not happen to you, your neighbour can turn into a lion overnight. You and I both know it’s possible. Is it not in this same Nigeria that a snake swallowed money?

I’m not saying Odunlade is the snake plis.

You can even buy a car, next thing your family members have turned into lions to attack you in your dreams.

My point is, this is Nigeria. Never say never.

So, what should you do when the lion attack happens?

1. Plead the blood of Jesus.

If the blood of Jesus hasn’t finished with the way we have been spraying it in our food and covering our children with it, it will not finish when you need it at that crucial time.

2. Entertain the lion.

Dance, sing, twerk. Do anything to assure the lion that it should not bite you because you have a great future ahead of you.

3. Stand your ground.

He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world. Let the lion know that. Is that mumu lion greater than the lion of Judah?

4. Sell yourself.

What I mean is that you should make yourself look bigger. Puff out your chest, deepen your voice, etc etc. Let him know that although you are small, you are not to be toyed with.

5. While you’re doing all these, be walking back small-small.

That’s how you will escape nau. Did you think you would dance forever?

6. When you’ve put a distance between you and the lion, RUN!

You better catch that mumu lion by surprise. Bella Shmurda sang “Usain Bolt, run am” in song, you think he was just joking? E fit be say lion don pursue am before sef.

7. If the lion catches you, lie flat and pretend you’re dead.

They told me that lions don’t eat the meat of dead people. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if you survive you will tell your story.

8. If the lion eats you though, toh.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. May God accept your soul into heaven.

9. And if, by a stroke of luck, you manage to catch the lion, bring it to Hauwa.

She will know what to do with it. No be Hauwa again?

How To Pick Money From The Floor Without Turning To Yam

Kunle Ologunro

February 27, 2021

Inside Life

attacked by a lion, Humour, lion attack
How To Scatter People’s Relationships And Go Scot-Free

Are you sad that you’ll be alone this Valentine? Well, worry no more. Follow our steps and cause trouble for other people too.

If you will be single, then it should not be only you. Everybody must collect.

1. If you are a woman, call their babe and tell her to leave your man alone.

Or you can text her and switch your phone off afterwards. She will ask her man angrily and he will vex that she does not trust him enough. Next thing, they will do Malcolm and Marie for each other, only this time, it will end in tears.

You, 1 – Relationship People, 0.

2. If you know their family house, go there and gossip.

As soon as you see the parents, tell them that their son is out there distributing his sperm without any consideration for his future. They will be shocked that their son is a cheerful giver, and they will lock him inside on Valentine’s Day. Romantic plans don damage.

You, 2 – Relationship People, 0.

NB: Dress like a good person sha. That way, they will not release dog on you.

3. Are you into surprise packages? Mix up the love notes.

Give Kike’s note to Ginika, and Michael’s note to Habeeb. Shebi they want their love life to be exciting? Oya nau, let them excite themselves into breaking up.

You, 3 – Relationship People, 0.

4. Are you an online clothes vendor? Send the wrong size.

It’s kuku what you’re good at doing, so it should not be hard for you. When the recipient calls to say that there has been a mix-up, tell them that you’re only following their partner’s orders, and maybe it was their partners who mixed up the names of the person who should be getting the outfit.

You, 4 – Relationship People, 0.

5. You can even seduce one partner.

Hear me out. You’ll fix date and time to fornicate. And then you’ll invite their other half too, but you won’t let them know. The other half will enter while the first half is on top or under you. Whew chile, the hot mess that will happen.

You, 5 – Relationship People, 0.

6. Or maybe use juju.

Your mates are using juju to better their lives, but look at you, about to use juju to scatter people’s relationships. YAS QUEEN! Me I’m a professional evildoer so this is the one I highly recommend. DESTROY THAT RELATIONSHIP. TEAR IT LIKE AN OLD NEWSPAPER.

You, 6 – Relationship People, 0.

I must warn you though. Me that gave you this advice, I will not be trying any one out of it because I don’t have the liver. If you decide to go ahead and try it, toh, anything your eyes see, take it like that.

Kunle Ologunro

February 10, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, love in nigeria, Nigerian couple, valentines day
All the Many Characteristics of a God-Fearing Sugar Daddy

In 2020 we published a comprehensive guide on the places to find a sugar daddy in Nigeria. Now that you’ve found one, what next? This article is a guide on the qualities to look out for.

1) He sleeps/attempts to sleep with only one of your friends

All because he’s a thoughtful person who doesn’t want to embarrass you in public.

2) He asks God for forgiveness immediately after every round of sex

Because he’s actually God-fearing uno?

3) He does only one round of sex

Because he understands that your body is a temple and he treats it as such.

4) He doesn’t fornicate on Sundays

This is where he draws the line.

5) He under promises and over delivers

You: Will I have a good time?

Sugar daddy: I’ll try my best.

Narrator: They had a hell of a good time.

6) He allows you sleep off on his arm

Younger men left the chat.

7) He lives up to the “sugar” in his name

Anything you want, he buys it.

8) He’s honest about his wife’s ability to fight and beat you up

“Kikelomo, my wife can fight. If you ever see her in public, start running oh.”

9) He doesn’t lie about leaving his wife for you

Everyone is aware that they are here for a good time and not a long time.

10) He’s honest about which holidays you get to spend with him

“Asake, Christmas and New Year is for the family but I’ll spend Children’s day and Independence day with you.”

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

January 27, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, ridiculous, satire, sugar daddy
8 Signs Your Nigerian Boyfriend Is Not Husband Material

If your boyfriend does at least five of the things on this list then you need to fix up.

1) He doesn’t pack your plates when you eat outside

This is a red flag that shows that he doesn’t have home training. Run!

2) He eats more than one piece of meat when he visits your house

This just shows that he’s greedy and will keep on taking and taking until there’s nothing left of/for you.

3) He wears tight cloths

He’s not protecting his chastity for you. Reddest flag.

4) He doesn’t hunt and kill the meat you people eat

Weakling!

5) Neither does he grow the food you people eat

He’s definitely not husband material.

6) He’s always asking for sex

Only God knows what his body count is. His groom price is definitely in the gutters.

7) He complains of hand pain when you sleep off in his arms

Real men are silent about pain like the “g” in Lasagna.

8) He grumbles when you send him on errands.

My good sis, is he even ready?

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back
— Doc  (@DocAtCDI) January 11, 2021

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

January 13, 2021

Man Dem

Humour, marriage, Men, Relationship, satire
How To Be An Original Nigerian Sapiosexual

A sapiosexual is “someone who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.” Do not be one of those people who say “am sapiosexual” when they introduce themselves.

Here’s how to be an original Nigerian sapiosexual.

1. First of all, put Sapiosexual in your bio.

You have to confess your profession. Also, let your prospective followers know beforehand that intelligence is the only currency you spend.

2. Use big words in your posts.

How will they know what you are if you don’t manifest it?

3. You want to express your thoughts? Turn your posts into a mini dissertation.

Anyone who does not have the patience to read it surely does not have the mental range you desire.

Love Life: We Met On Twitter, But I Already Had A Boyfriend

4. Never ever be seen looking for gossip on the TL.

That one is for non-sapiosexuals, people who are not interested in educating themselves. You, however, are above that. If you really want to hear the gist, create a burner account for that.

5. Always follow the serious-minded accounts.

Who is Beyonce when you can follow Mahatma Ghandi? Seek ye first wisdom and intellect before pursuing vanity.

6. Yes, you’re Sapiosexual, but you must never follow any porn accounts.

That’s not the kind of sexuality you are after. You are attracted to intellect; do they have any videos of pornstars knacking intellect? The answer is no.

7. Never be seen begging for giveaway.

USE YOUR BURNER.

8. If you ever land a date from your Sapiosexual appearance, take them to a library and ask them questions from a book of Current Affairs.

That’s the way to show and act like what you are: A TRUE SAPIOSEXUAL.

11 Quizzes That Will Help You With Your Sex Life

Kunle Ologunro

January 6, 2021

Inside Life

attraction, Humour, intelligence, sapiosexual
11 Places To Find Tech Bae In Lagos

If like me you’ve been thinking of a way out of penury, I welcome you. Here’s a list of places to find our helpers (tech baes) so that we can flourish and finally chop life.

1) Any coffee shop

Your nearest coffee shop is filled with so many lowkey rich tech people looking for wonderful ambience and uninterrupted power supply. Use this information wisely.

2) Shops where they sell turtle necks

You know the vibes for this one.

3) Lexus car dealerships

The official car of made people in tech. If they drive Lexus ES 350 or IS 350, hold on to them for dear life.

4) Any shop that sells Apple devices

Pro-tip: The richer they are, the more Apple devices they own.

5) Or plant shop

Plant that’s not for cooking is a sign of wealth in Nigeria, and these people are stupidly rich.

6) Any event that has the keyword “disruption” in it

Don’t dull.

7) Or “Fintech” as the theme

The next best thing since sliced bread.

8) Or Crypto and Bitcoin as subthemes

The last line of defense against Emefiele et al. After Bezos, tech people swear by these terms.

9) Any Paystack or Flutterwave event

Because anyone can be a golden boy.

10) Twitter

Open your Twitter and tweet “Tech bros don’t have their baths.” If your mentions aren’t swarming with them, come and fight us in our office.

11) Your nearest “coke” dealer

I’m not there oh.

Subscribe to the TechCabal daily so you know the most happening Tech bae in town.

Here you go: http://bit.ly/TechCabalEmail
[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

December 2, 2020

Inside Life

bae, Humour, romance, tech
11 Places To Find Tech Bae In Lagos

If like me you’ve been thinking of a way out of penury, I welcome you. Here’s a list of places to find our helpers (tech baes) so that we can flourish and finally chop life.

1) Any coffee shop

Your nearest coffee shop is filled with so many lowkey rich tech people looking for wonderful ambience and uninterrupted power supply. Use this information wisely.

2) Shops where they sell turtle necks

You know the vibes for this one.

3) Lexus car dealerships

The official car of made people in tech. If they drive Lexus ES 350 or IS 350, hold on to them for dear life.

4) Any shop that sells Apple devices

Pro-tip: The richer they are, the more Apple devices they own.

5) Or plant shop

Plant that’s not for cooking is a sign of wealth in Nigeria, and these people are stupidly rich.

6) Any event that has the keyword “disruption” in it

Don’t dull.

7) Or “Fintech” as the theme

The next best thing since sliced bread.

8) Or Crypto and Bitcoin as subthemes

The last line of defense against Emefiele et al. After Bezos, tech people swear by these terms.

9) Any Paystack or Flutterwave event

Because anyone can be a golden boy.

10) Twitter

Open your Twitter and tweet “Tech bros don’t have their baths.” If your mentions aren’t swarming with them, come and fight us in our office.

11) Your nearest “coke” dealer

I’m not there oh.

Are you ready for your tech bae? Take this quiz to find out: Only Tech Bros & Babes Will Get 7/11 On This Logo Quiz

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

December 2, 2020

Inside Life

fluterwave, Humour, paystack, techbae, techbro
7 Money Tests To Give The Woman You Plan To Marry

2020 is the year of rings. Therefore, we decided to create a guide for men seeking to become members of the sacred ring issuing institution.

Here are a few tips that may be useful for men in choosing their partners:

7) Test her with money

Give her ₦200 to make soup. If she fails, she can’t manage money. If she passes, she’s probably stingy. All of these are red flags.

6) When you go out, test her with food

Offer to buy her food and ensure she refuses. If she tries to eat from your plate, she’s a thief and that’s how she’ll be eating your money.

5) Test her with bone straight

Buy her the hair and watch her reaction. If she gets excited, she’s too lavish. If she’s meh about it, she doesn’t have taste and she’s not in your league.

4) Test her with Fintech

If she doesn’t know words like “Cowrywise,” “Safe lock.,” “Piggvest,” “Risevest,” “Withdrawal date,” “buy dollars,” then she’s not financially popping and can’t manage money. If she knows the words, she’s probably cheating on you with a tech bae. Sorry, bro.

3) Test her with gifts

If she buys you singlets and boxers you know she doesn’t mean you well. If she buys you PS5 just know you must give her your kidney – whatever you see, take it like that.

2) Test her with the Nigerian anthem

If she sings it without frowning then she likes Nigeria and that’s bad vibes. However, if she can’t sing it, she’s not in touch with her roots. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she know who you are?

1) Test her with music

Editor’s note: This is no way reflects the musical taste of the writer. Any relationship is purely fictional.

Test her with the song titled CashApp. My brother, if you sing “ice on my neck” and she replies with “ice on my wrist,” wahala aya aya oh. If she doesn’t know the reply, she definitely can’t gbese.

Keep us anon.

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 26, 2020

Money

Humour, marriage, money, satire, tests
7 Types Of Nigerian Men You’ll Meet In The Dating Pool Abroad

If you’re a Nigerian woman living abroad, chances are that you’ve run into one or more of these types of Nigerian men.

1) Mr. qualifications

Before you say anything, they’ll remind you about all their degrees – MBA, PHD, WAP, MD.

2) Green card gang

In your first conversation, they want to know your status in the country. This let’s them know whether to start forming love or not.

3) The stuck up gang

These ones take pride in the fact that they don’t date black women. They date only white women or mixed race people, and they flaunt their preference like an achievement.

4) Mr. “Federal character”

They have “gf” in every state. If your Nigerian man is always travelling for work, check him oh.

5) Politician’s kids

Any small thing: “Do you know who I am?” or they keep trying to tell you who they are.

6) Mr. Looking for African wife

These ones are looking for modern slave to take care of them and clean up after them. They’re always looking for “true African” women. Sorry oh.

7) The marriage guy

According to people, if you cough, they will propose to you. They’re looking for Nigerian wife for their parents.

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section below:
[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 25, 2020

Man Dem

abroad, dating, Humour, Men
10 Reasons Why Foreign Women Love Nigerian Men

If you’re here wondering the secret to the appeal of Nigerian men, welcome:

1) Sweet mouth

Nigerian men open a conversation with “you look familiar” and end with “I can’t live without you.” When Nigerian men give their sweetness attack, you defend. Or reset your defense.

2) Dress sense

Ice on their neck. Ice on their wrist.

3) Nigerian men cook the most fire noodles

Shokoyokoto!

4) Don’t try their spaghetti

Alfredo Pasta and Penne Ayo are shaking.

5) Or is it their beans?

The recipe was forged in the annals of boys hostel and passed down from generation to generation.

6) They are proficient in both excel and in the bed

Read the sixth entry on this list if you don’t believe us.

7) Good taste in music

See how many legends we have in Nigeria now. We learnt from the best, you get?

8) Ability to spoil women with gifts

Fried rice is shaking.

9) And attention

Nobody loves you more than a Nigerian man who you haven’t said “yes” to.

10) Sex appeal

Or maybe he’s trying to sleep with all your friends and accusing them of moving to him.

[donation]

Hassan Yahaya

November 18, 2020

Man Dem

Dispora, Humour, Men, Nigerian Men