Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
Humour | Page 11 of 13 | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

    Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    A lot of people accuse Zikoko writers of taking cocaine and crack, so I decided to reach out to Cocaine, to see if it would be interested in giving a statement that would clear us of such accusations.

    But during the course of our interview, Cocaine dropped a major bombshell about its relationship with Abuja people, and I knew I had to sit up and pay attention.

    Zikoko: Hello, Cocaine.

    Cocaine: Hi.

    Please, don’t be shy.

    Shy? Me I’m not shy oh. I just said let me survey my environment first.

    Don’t worry, NDLEA cannot find us here.

    Alright. So why did you ask me to come?

    First of all, a lot of people are under the impression that we use you in this office…

    Use me, cocaine?

    Yes.

    At first, we took it as a joke.

    As you should. Everybody keeps denying me.

    But then people started to see us as cocaine addicts, so we had to show them what really happens in the Zikoko office.

    Image

    Cool. Did the accusations stop?

    See ehn, people took it to the next level.

    My goodness. Why are Nigerians like this?

    They started accusing us of taking something more serious than you.

    And what would that be?

    Crack.

    https://twitter.com/EjuraSalihu/status/1335796091565039616

    Um, sorry, did you just refer to Crack as my senior?

    Yes…

    You are a novice. Crack is my younger sister. We might look alike, but we are not mates — not in value or influence. Please, don’t ask me to tell you more.

    Wow.

    Why are you acting shocked? Don’t you have Abuja people working in your office?

    I don’t get. What is that supposed to mean?

    Abuja people are my regular customers nau. In fact, Abuja is where I’m based. You didn’t know?

    No oh.

    Look at you. Anyway, I don’t blame you. Abuja people are trying to hide my existence. They are trying to pretend that we are not in a relationship with each other.

    Does this mean it is a one-sided relationship?

    What do you mean ‘one-sided’?

    I mean, are Abuja people actually in a relationship with you, or is this just in your head?

    Are you interviewing me or is it just in your head?

    I am interviewing you.

    Good, that’s how certain I am of my relationship with Abuja people. It’s not in my head. It is real. I know true love when I see it. They spend their happy moments with me. Their sad ones too.

    Look, Abuja people do not casually organise house parties because they want to see their friends’ faces. They do it as an opportunity to celebrate me, their one true love.

    I—

    You don’t believe me? Smuggle your way into an Abuja house party today and see if they will not include cocaine in your small chops package.

    Let me tell you, I have experienced love in the hands of white people, but the love from Abuja people hits different. These people incorporate me into their daily lives.

    If they had their way, they would even sprinkle me on food.

    So why are you complaining that they are trying to pretend you don’t exist?

    They are. Our relationship is a secret one, but you Internet people won’t shut up about it. Every day, Abuja people and Cocaine, Abuja people and Cocaine. Are they the first to use me?

    The problem with these posts is that people in other states are inclined to believe that when you enter Abuja, the breeze that hits you is laced with a whiff of cocaine. I mean, we love each other, but it’s not that deep.

    https://twitter.com/nty_o/status/1377585633120649220

    If you ask anybody what Abuja is known for; if they mention three things, best believe that cocaine is one of them. And really, this is bad PR for—

    Hold on, let me text somebody to confirm.

    You see what I’m saying?

    Omo.

    Nowadays, if someone posts something about Abuja people using me, you will see Abuja people actively denying me under that post.

    https://twitter.com/EhiMekwuye/status/1228732453663186946

    Y’all have successfully bullied Abuja people into becoming ashamed of me. We have a beautiful thing. I wish they would just give a middle-finger to the naysayers and tell the world that they are in love with me.

    Stigmatisation? Arrest? I mean, you are illegal in this country, after all.

    Do your politicians know that?

    Wait a minute. Do you mean—

    Yes, I mean it.

    But why didn’t you speak up? Were you silent or were you silenced?

    Both. I was silent because of my nature. I know how dangerous I am, all the things I am capable of. Because of this nature, I was silenced by the law too. All my life, I have been loved in secret, shamefully. And so when I found comfort in the nostrils of Abuja people, I thought I had found my home.

    But look at me today, about to lose my lovers. [Cocaine breaks down in tears].

    I’m so sorry. That must hurt.

    [Cocaine stops crying]. Thanks for your kindness. Should I enter your nose small?

    Ah. Abeg oh.We just met now.

    You see? [Cocaine starts crying again].

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    RECOMMENDED:

    Interview With Spoon, Fork, & Knife: “Why We Usually Disappear”

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , ,

  • 10 Spiritual Things That Will Happen If You Tie Wrapper In Your Matrimonial Home

    10 Spiritual Things That Will Happen If You Tie Wrapper In Your Matrimonial Home

    Should you or should you not tie wrapper in your matrimonial home?

    Some people will say you should and some will say you shouldn’t. But I have just come back from Instagram where women are waging serious war against wrappers, and the spirit told me to inform you about the spiritual implications of allowing wrapper into your matrimonial home.

    She who has an ear, let her follow Zikoko hear what the spirit is saying at her own peril.

    1. Your natural beauty will vanish.

    That wrapper will wrap your beauty until there is nothing left again.

    2. You will no longer be good in bed.

    Go and ask people. It’s just that they will not talk, because they won’t like to expose themselves.

    3. Your children will start running away from you.

    7 BTS ONESHOTS - Fake - Wattpad

    Because, really, who is this woman without natural beauty?

    4. Your husband will look at you and see his great-grandmother that fell into a well in 1954 and died of cough and catarrh.

    Naturally, he will burst into song. You know the song? Ancient of days, as old as you are…

    5. Of course, your husband will cheat.

    That’s how he will be begging the other woman who wears low-waist jeans and spaghetti top, or show-me-your-back and leggings.

    6. Even your children will call another woman Mummy.

    Where is the woman they know as Mummy? The one who sleeps and wakes up in high heels? The one who wears wig and lipstick to the bathroom? Who is this woman who ties wrapper like a rapper?

    7. Sis, your mates will refer to you as Mummy oh.

    They will even be afraid to invite you out sef, because what if you tie wrapper and call it fashion?

    8. Grey hair will start showing.

    Joke Silva Throwback Photos | FabWoman

    Mummy wa, may your days be long oh. Do you even remember the function of a bra?

    9. The Nigerian Association Of Witches will definitely recruit you.

    And because you are angry at how unfair you husband has been to you, his penis will be the first thing you will sacrifice.

    He left you because of wrapper, so you too will wrap his penis in shawarma bread and eat it. Ojoro cancel.

    10. And finally, your husband’s family will send you packing.

    Tying wrapper is the enemy of your marriage. It is the reason for all the problems in Nigeria today. It is the sole reason why men cheat. So, wear your bra to bed. Sleep in your waist-trainer and girdle. Jog in your high heels. Cook while wearing your bone-straight.

    Just boycott wrapper and save your marriage today. We have said our own.

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , , , , ,

  • 7 Simple Ways To Make Your Neighbour’s Generator Stop Working

    7 Simple Ways To Make Your Neighbour’s Generator Stop Working

    Nigeria is the homeland of generators. The result? Noise pollution that hinders people from being productive when they work in the midnight or want to get some sleep.

    Imagine trying to rest your head and your neighbour’s Tiger generator is serving vocals in your compound. Hmm.

    Anyway, here’s how to casually make the generator stop working. End it before it ends you.

    1. Open the fuel tank and bless it with anointing oil.

    One bottle of Goya olive oil will do. Or maybe two, so you can help it rest in peace forever.

    2. Or perhaps choke it with sand.

    It’s been drinking petrol since. Change the diet small so it can stop making noise.

    3. Maybe give it some water to drink?

    One bucket will be enough to quench its thirst. Just do it quickly before your neighbours come outside.

    4. Or run a hot bath for it.

    Just douse it in petrol and strike a match. That Generator loves pain. Give it what it wants and watch it quieten down.

    5. Take it on an excursion to the spare parts shop.

    The unexplored territory of Nigeria's Used Spare Parts Market – AfricaBusiness.com

    They will even give you money. Enjoyment + end of noise = bliss.

    6. You can even ‘pieces’ it for Condemn-Condemn buyers to purchase.

    N500 for tank, N20 for spark plug. When you calculate everything it will add up decently.

    7. Or maybe just switch it off and wait for your neighbours to come out so you can deck them.

    They need to know that they are not the only one with a generator. They should allow you sleep or work in peace, abeg.

    QUIZ: How Secretly Evil Are You?

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , ,

  • How To Survive On 15k Till The End Of The Month

    How To Survive On 15k Till The End Of The Month

    I saw this tweet and it had me, a resident broke person, thinking. There’s no foolproof method on how to survive on ₦15,000 a month but I wrote this guide last month.

    This one is for those of you that didn’t read it.

    1. Plan your budget

    Budget which family member you are cutting off and do you really need a romantic interest right now in the midst of poverty? You can even remove drinking water and drink from the tap. If poverty doesn’t get you, dehydration will.

    Life is tuff innit

    2. Announce to your boss that you’re now working from home

    If they can pay you a salary that leaves you with just ₦15,000 at the end of the month, they can survive without you for a couple of days.

    If you lose your job please don’t @ me
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. There is rice at home

    Rice can roughly be translated to mean garri, noodles, beans, and bread. It’s time to hone all the cooking skills you learnt during lockdown.

    4. Avoid going to a church

    Notice how it’s always when you’re broke that your pastor would be lead to tell you to empty your bank account? You’ve been warned. Except they share food in your church then please, run there.

    You in church when you see an usher bringing food

    5. Start a food truck

    Pay a carpenter ₦4000 to build a small table and stool, use another ₦4000 to invest into the food you want to sell. There you have it, surviving on ₦15,000 like the boss you are.

    You’d be surprised at people’s willingness to eat anything these days

    6. Cut down on soda

    You’ve been talking about how you want to do this for years, well now’s your chance. Water is healthier after all

    By the time you get paid you’ll have six packs

    7. Go to a money doubler

    This is your best chance at surviving, there are plenty of money doublers in your Instagram inbox, check for the one that goes with your spirit and let the money in your bank account rise

    Money-oney-oney-oney-oney-oney

    God to you when you’re left with 15k again next month:

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Malakai Bassey

    ,

  • 12 Ways To Check If You Are An Alpha Female

    12 Ways To Check If You Are An Alpha Female

    Ladies, the world has advanced past the need for women who are not Alpha Females. Take charge or go home. Aspire to kpekere. That’s the new world order.

    But first who is an Alpha Female? In simple terms, she is fierce, busy, powerful, and eats challenges as food. These 12 checks will tell if you are an Alpha Female.

    1. If people refer to you as ‘Sir’ on the phone.

    Ah, you made the cut. Men think you are one of them. Welcome to the Alpha side of life.

    2. Do you have high heels?

    Hmm, my dear. The Association of Alpha Women, Ojuelegba chapter, have rejected your application oh. How can you hope to be Alpha in high heels? Where are your Timberland boots? Hide your face abeg.

    3. Are you rocking lowcut?

    Alpha oh-oh-oh, Alpha! Alpha you don win oh, Alpha! Patapata you go win forever, Alpha.

    4. You have more than 3 wigs? No Alpha for you.

    How can you be Alpha and you have time for distractions? To wear wig or be Alpha? Choose one abeg.

    5. Do you live in a house you paid for?

    If yes, please sit down, let us bring you the registration packet for Alpha women. We see you and we bow in your presence.

    6. Do you wear eyelashes?

    You do? Oya leave here with those eyelashes. You think Alpha Females have time for fancy appendages of beauty? Do you want to be an Alpha Female or you want to compete with the Flutterwave butterfly?

    7. Pantsuit or Skirt suit?

    If it’s a pantsuit, please go to the right. If it’s a skirt suit, carry your bag and go home. We have chosen the candidates we need for the Alpha Female Reality TV show.

    8. Do you work in tech?

    Ah, automatic Alpha woman entry. Please note, if you work in tech and you wear lipstick, wig and jewelry, your own Alpha is contaminated abeg. It’s in the Alpha Woman guidebook, section 10, line 4.

    9. Do men want to demystify you? Alpha is calling your name.

    Men see you as a competitor. They want to unwrap you like hot moi-moi. Rejoice, you made the cut. Enter the Alpha Woman ring, let us bring you a suitable opponent.

    10. YOU WEAR DEODORANTS AND PERFUMES??? Please leave here before we open our eyes.

    How can you be Alpha and you will be wearing scents? What kind of women do you think are in the Alpha Women group sef?

    11. Do you have a LinkedIn profile?

    Ahan. Alpha Woman wey sabi wetin she dey do. It is your type we are looking for.

    12. Can you finish more than three wraps of eba?

    A for what? Alpha! Even your stomach knows your capabilities! Your presence intimidates us. Keep being the Alpha Female you are.

    QUIZ: What Energy Do You Give Off?

    Kunle Ologunro

    ,

  • 11 Ways To Collect The Position Of Head From Your Husband

    11 Ways To Collect The Position Of Head From Your Husband

    A lot of men are often invested in the idea of being the ‘Head of the House’. They treat it like it’s a do-or-die affair. And this is why you must collect that position from them.

    How do you do that? We have ideas!

    1. Start wearing trousers.

    NEW Kathmandu Flight Men's Stretch Travel Trousers | eBay

    He is wearing trousers, you are wearing trousers. What is the difference between both of you? NOTHING.

    2. During sex, stay on top.

    The moment you flip him over like pancake and climb on top of him, power has changed hands.

    3. Eat the head of the fish in the soup and give him the tail.

    Easy Fish Pepper Soup | Nigerian Lazy Chef

    That thing is symbolic if you don’t know. Eat the fish head consecutively for one week and see if you won’t feel a change in your energy. I doubt if the man will even allow it sef. He knows what he’s losing each time you eat a fish head.

    4. Serve yourself before you serve him.

    It shows you are putting yourself first. Isn’t that what some Nigerian men when they say they are the head of the family?

    5. Barb low cut.

    Now, you both have the same head. He’ll have no other choice but to come to you as a fellow man.

    6. Absolutely refuse to kneel down and greet him.

    Kneel wetin? Greet who? You are a head plis. Head no dey kneel for another head. If he cannot collect standing greeting, let him greet himself.

    7. If he says he needs money, give him.

    The moment you give him, he has relinquished the position of the head, biko. Man that is collecting money from his wife, is that one head?

    8. Eat and leave the plate on the table for him to carry.

    The moment he carries that plate like this, he ceases to become head.

    9. Buy clothes for him.

    Nigerian kaftan men | Etsy

    Man that you are buying clothes for, can he open mouth to say he is the head? Position that you have collected from him with material things.

    10. When you are going out, ask him to sit in the passenger seat while you drive.

    It means you have taken 100% control of the family, as per head that you are.

    11. Every time you go out, make sure you come back home with bread.

    Butterfield-sliced-bread

    That way, everyone can see that you are the breadwinner.

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , ,

  • The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Nigerian Babe With Flat Stomach

    The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Nigerian Babe With Flat Stomach

    Ahan, welcome oh. So you too want to date someone with flat stomach? LEEMAO. The jokes write themselves. I have 7 simple questions for you. Answer them with all the honesty in your heart.

    1. First of all, you yourself, do you have flat stomach?

    After all, you cannot lack something and be looking for it in someone else.

    2. Where in the 7 commandments did you see “Thou shall make flat stomach your dating criteria”?

    Show me and I will personally help you find someone with flat stomach.

    3. Let me ask, that flat stomach you are looking for in your partner, what do you want to use it for?

    Show off, or what?

    4. Okay, let’s even assume that you meet someone with flat stomach. Has that ended all the problems you are battling with?

    Answer nau

    5. Or did your babalawo command you to bring a babe with flat stomach?

    Talk, we are hearing you.

    6. Ahan, you don vex? Oya sorry, let me tell you how to meet a babe with flat stomach.

    Sorry, I will talk.

    7. Date a snake. Na them get flat stomach pass.

    Love and light in your latest relationship. May your path stay flat, boss.

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , ,

  • 15 Ways To Know If Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Tout

    15 Ways To Know If Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Tout

    Before you marry that babe, please check if these signs are manifesting in her life. May you not wed an agbero.

    1. If she opens beer with her teeth.

    Gulder 50cl 12-pack | otls

    Sign number one that she is a confirmed agbero.

    2. If she can remove her wig anywhere.

    https://memes.zikoko.com/

    And you think she will be ashamed of anything? When God was sharing shame in heaven, she was asleep.

    3. If they are always dragging her on Twitter.

    Her mouth dinnor use to stay in one place. One day you will marry her and she will facilitate unnecessary beating for you with her troublemaking mouth.

    4. She always collects her change from conductors and traders.

    LMAO this one will never forgive you. Even if she says she has heard, she will always find a way to do her own back.

    5. If she can tear Shaki meat from stew with her eyes opened.

    Ah. Tuale Mama. You better watch your ways around her before you find yourself inside cult.

    6. She can start a Tiger generator on her own.

    Hilarious Nigerian Wedding photos

    This one will make you feel useless oh. A woman who can start a generator on her own. How will you brag that you’re the head of the home?

    7. She can remove spark plug on her own.

    What if she wakes up one day and decides to become a mechanic? You don’t want to take that risk.

    8. She can change from NEPA to Gen without the television going off.

    She has superpowers. If you check it well, she fit dey fly for midnight.

    9. She sabi connect wire.

    One day you will piss her off and she will disconnect all your wires and sell them off. A babe like Hauwa, that’s who you want to marry?

    10. She is known in more than 3 bukas.

    This one will never cook for you. You’ll return from work and she’ll gather you and the children to the nearest buka and order two wraps of amala each for everyone.

    11. Area boys hail her when she passes.

    https://memes.zikoko.com/

    Watch her well. She is an Area Mama. You date her, you are in trouble. You don’t date her, you are in trouble still.

    12. She can kill a goat.

    But you sef. Have women finished on the earth that you now want to go after a woman who can kill a goat? A whole goat oh. Toh. God keep you oh.

    13. She always wears leggings under her gown.

    Ah, that one is always prepared to fight oh. Mrs. Undertaker. You better run. Her mates that wear ordinary tights, do they have two heads?

    14. She can finish two shawarmas in one sitting.

    And you are not afraid of her?

    15. She cannot draw her own eyebrows.

    https://memes.zikoko.com/

    How will she know how to do it when she spends all her time being a tout? You better free that babe.

    QUIZ: How Much Of A Tout Are You?

    Kunle Ologunro

    , ,

  • 14 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

    14 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

    Nigerian babes believe in diversifying their hearts to allow for multiple streams of affection. How do you know if your girlfriend is doing that? If she does any of these suspiciously romantic things, you have your proof that she is cheating.

    1. When she does something wrong and actually apologises.

    She used all her energy to argue with her side piece. She is cheating.

    2. When she decides to treat you to a fancy date.

    She’s feeling guilty about something. Don’t fall for that.

    3. When she tells you about a new restaurant to try out.

    How did she discover the place if not through her side piece? She is definitely cheating.

    4. When she buys you random, thoughtful gifts.

    She’s trying to blind you with affection. Guy, wake up.

    5. When she comes back from an outing and starts loving up on you.

    It’s leftover horniness from cheating on you.

    6. When she offers to cook for you.

    What woman offers to cook for a man if not that she is feeling guilty for cheating?

    7. When you complain about being broke and she credits your account.

    frustration | Zikoko!

    She is overcompensating for something. That babe is cheating.

    8. When you meet her best friends and they are all girls.

    She’s hiding the man. That babe is cheating on you.

    9. When her friends act nice to you.

    They are definitely covering up for her. She is cheating.

    10. When she posts you on social media.

    She is using that one to get your guard down. Dig deep, you’ll see that she is cheating.

    11. When she calls you affectionate pet names.

    She doesn’t want to accidentally call you the wrong name. That woman is definitely cheating.

    12. When she tries something new in bed with you.

    Her side nigga taught her that. She is cheating.

    13. When she tells you her phone passcode.

    She has cleared all evidence of her cheating so you won’t find out.

    14. When she says yes to your marriage proposal.

    She knows that being married is a good cover for bad behaviour. She wants to cheat forever.

    QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?

    Kunle Ologunro

    , , ,

  • Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

    Interview With Pepper: “Beg Yoruba People To Free Me”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    How does it feel to be claimed by an ethnic group when you were created to belong to nobody and everybody? In this week’s Interview With, Pepper sits with us to discuss its experience in the hands of Yoruba people.

    Zikoko: It’s nice to have you here.

    Pepper: I’m not sure I can say the same.

    Uhm, why?

    Listen, if I had my way, I would not even do this interview at all, but my agent thinks it’s important. That’s why I said let me take a short break from all my hard labour and come here.

    Even now, as I’m sitting here, I can hear the anguished cry of some Yoruba people who think I have disappeared from the surface of the earth.

    This is a lot to unpack.

    What I have experienced in the hands of Yoruba people is a lot to unpack. That’s why I am not even bothering to unpack it again.

    Okay now you have mentioned a name. We are making progress. Can you tell me what your relationship is like with Yoruba people?

    We are unequally yoked, me and Yoruba people. It is a parasitic relationship.

    Who is the parasite and who is the host?

    I am the host, and Yorubas are the parasite. Quote me anywhere, I will stand by my words and tell anybody that I said it.

    When I was created, I was made without an ethnic group in my mind. God said, “Pepper, I have made you to add flavour to the lives of the people I am about to create.”

    I was made to belong to nobody and everybody.

    What changed?

    The Yorubas tasted me and started plotting how to make me their birthright. And given how people now associate me with them, you can see that they have succeeded.

    Other ethnic groups use me with caution, almost as if they are scared of Yoruba people catching them in the act. They use me in stew, and it’s like I’m not even there at all. Only tomatoes choking me and erasing my presence. Hausas just need to make small powder out of me for suya, and they are satisfied.

    But you see Yorubas? [shakes head in regret] They don’t use me to cook food. They use food to cook me.

    I’m not sure I understand.

    Let me ask you a question. When you want to cook noodles, what should be more?

    The noodles.

    Good. Let a Yoruba person cook me. N100 pepper for N50 noodles. I sometimes wonder, if you want to eat pepper, just say so. Don’t use noodles to disguise.

    Can you point out a particular reason for this—

    Obsession? Addiction?

    Whatever you want to call it.

    Frankly, I don’t know. But I think their cultural myths have a role to play in this. It is in Yorubaland I heard that anyone who does not eat pepper is a weak soul.

    Ehn?

    Yes oh. Apparently, they believe that they are prone to a number of ailments and maybe death if they don’t eat me. It is why most Yoruba people cannot survive in foreign countries.

    They say Abuja people are addicted to cocaine. But you see Yoruba people? Pepper is like cocaine for them. Deprive them of it for three months and see how they will become something else.

    https://twitter.com/Reree_N/status/1368303055570092040

    Wow.

    It used to bother me. A lot. But at one point I’ve just decided to surrender. I looked upon Yoruba people and thought, “Nah. These ones are beyond redemption.”

    Can you point out the moment you made that decision?

    Frankly, I think every moment in my life has been leading up to that final moment. Because each time I think Yoruba people can’t go any lower, they dig even deeper.

    The first shocker for me when they called me and said, ‘Oya stand well. As from next month, we will be putting you inside a biscuit for small children.’ This was late in the 90s going to early 2000s.

    What biscuit was that?

    Pepper Snack.

    I was surprised. How did the board of investors allow a Yoruba man to pitch the idea of putting me, fresh pepper, inside biscuits for young children. How?

    Wow.

    I thought Pepper Snack would be the end of my inclusion into branded products. Apparently, I was wrong. Almost two decades later, another Yoruba man showed his hand on the board of Minimie chin chin.

    How did you feel about it?

    How else was I supposed to feel? They have been putting me in chin chin unofficially. Even in puff puff and pancakes and akara. I just underestimated their ability to take it to a professional scale.

    One day, a Yoruba person will blow on a global level, and it will be for an invention related to pepper. Mark my words.

    Why do you say that?

    As we speak right now, a Yoruba person is planning how to include me in cake.

    Ehn?

    I raise you this man.

    https://twitter.com/TheHabibLateef/status/1363260899063169025

    Omo.

    Wait, he’s not done.

    https://twitter.com/TheHabibLateef/status/1364481805496295424

    Can I say the truth?

    Go on.

    I don’t mind the idea. Imagine red velvet cake with slices of red pepper peeking out. The taste.

    Wait a minute. What’s your name?

    Um, why are you asking?

    Answer me first. It’s important.

    Kunle. My name is Kunle.

    Oh, I should have known.

    That what?

    You are an opp. And I was here, pouring my heart out to you.

    No, wait oh.

    Please. Let me go before you eat me.

    [Pepper walks off in disgust].

    Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

    Kunle Ologunro

    ,
    , ,